William Benjamin Jackson (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
musthavebeenlove) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
dreamlikenewyork2019-11-12 09:28 pm
musthavebeenlove) wrote in dreamlikenewyork2019-11-12 09:28 pm
"This is our new beginning, got to make some new decisions."
Who: Will Jackson and Justin Campbell
What: New Chapters
Where: En-route to Vermont
When: After this
Just when Zeke thought Justin couldn’t get more extra with his love of sing-a-longs, Karaoke, and road trip music, before they even leave New York, he whips out a Portable Karaoke System that Sash apparently got him for his birthday. And Zeke had been all over it, desperately needing some fun after a chaotic few months of treatment.
Will had come over to tell him that Justin and Sash suggested going on a weekend road trip so Justin and Will could have time catching up about where Will was up to writing Justin’s book and, while they were busy, he and Sash could hang out. At the last minute, they invited Cas and Tori too, all piling into to Sasha’s mom’s 7-seat teal Peugeot SUV to drive up to Justin and Sasha’s lakehouse in Vermont that Justin’s dad bought off Andi’s parents in trust. It was an investment for the future but it was pretty cool they owned a property together and that it used to be Andi’s. Zeke, Sash, and Tori all had fond memories of the place from when they were younger and would come here for family holidays. It was a seriously cool road trip, and the best part was, he was on a chemo break so he didn’t feel too bad in general.
The first part of the trip had literally just been an epic sing-a-long with Justin leading while they shared around piles of junk food and Dory swapped from lap to lap, in her element. For the first time in ages, Zeke felt completely relaxed and happy, hopeful, even. Which said a lot because he had been struggling with the news of how quickly Brandon went downhill after his and Merlin’s wedding. Before that, Zeke had been having chemo with Brandon and they struck up a cool friendship, united over barf bags and tears of frustration. Will had also been a big part of that. They had all been starstruck when Merlin brought Brandon into the mix, out-of-the-blue, where they all discovered Brandon Blake was not only gay but hot for Merlin’s ass. Cancer wasn’t a thing anyone wanted to bond over, but that’s what happened, considering Will, too, was a leukemia survivor and he talked about his own fight with Brandon. Now he was in an intensive care isolation ward fighting for his life. It sucked but it was exactly the reason they had to remember the special and happy things in life because it was way too fragile than anyone wanted to admit.
Justin had kicked off with Money for Nothing playing, complete with the drum solo of well-honed air-drumming he had played many, many times on real drums, using the microphone as a pretend drumstick. This was one song he had played all the instrumentals on and lead sing-a-longs with the audience at some of his charity performances. He hiked the volumed up and kicked them all up with an enthusiastic, “Sing it, bitches!”
They were about halfway into their trip when they all decided to stop at a diner for something to eat. Justin and Will planned to find a spot to sit alone so they could chat a bit because Will wanted to do some work on his laptop while they were on the road. But while the rest of them chose a booth to sit, Sash and Justin had headed to the bathroom and Zeke only realised they had been in there for a lot longer than it took to pee when they both exited, coming out into the diner with Sasha tucking his shirt in and Justin raking his fingers through his hair. Zeke’s eyebrows shot up. “Did you two seriously just…?”
Justin shot them a smirk when Sasha slid into the booth and he leaned over, giving him a kiss. “Have you seen his arse in these jeans?” He took the small box of pills Sasha got out of the pocket of his jacket and gave to him. “Now, behave yourselves, kids. I don’t wanna have to put you in the naughty corner.”
He Sash, Zeke, Cas, Tori, and Dory to it and went over to the far end of the counter where Will was sitting on one of the stools with his notebook. Justin gave him a kiss on the cheek and plopped onto the stool next to him, grabbing the menu. “I have no clue where we last left off, love. Sorry. Zeke’s looking well. You guys going okay?”
“Yeah, we’re awesome. I mean, besides him being sick. It’s kind of brought us closer together, though. I get how it is for him. I can see you and Sash are doing awesome too,” Will laughed, noticing too that they came out of the bathroom with definite sex hair. “Making up for lost time being out-of-action, huh? That was usually the sign you were getting better. I didn’t think he would be into, like, random diner bathroom sex. Being ace and all.”
Justin smirked as he read over the menu, trying to find something like that would leave him feeling like he wanted to hork all over the place. Since this peritoneal dialysis thing had been put in him, he barely had an appetite. Plus, trying to get back to work, he would automatically watch what he ate. He didn’t like processed shit because it wasn’t good fuel for the high-impact dancing he did. That wasn’t to say he was a total buzzkill. He still liked candy and junkfood when he was chilling out and he was hardly about to turn into a pretentious vegan shit. “He’s ace, not impotent. That just means he doesn’t experience sexual attraction, but he makes up for it in romantic attraction. You know how it is for me anyway, so it works for us. We just fit. Still no movement on this stuff with Zeke?”
“There’s movement. Just not, you know… intercourse. Does that word always sound weird to you when you say it out loud too?” Will snorted in amusement, closing the menu once he decided on a burger. “It should feel weirder for us to talk about this stuff, shouldn’t it?”
Justin closed his menu too and leaned on the counter with a shrug. “Yeah, it sounds all fucking clinical and stuffy, two things sex should never be. But I don’t think it should be weird. Maybe some people think it should be but, I mean, you were the first person I ever trusted sexually. You were the one who showed me what real sex should be, that it wasn’t… a weapon, aggressive, controlling. Come into my true sexuality. Now there’s a wankish way to describe it,” he joked and the waitress came over to take their order, beaming at him all over again. She must have a face ache by now with how much she was doing it when she asked him for a selfie. He ordered a chicken club, holding the bun with no fries and a Diet Dr Pepper.
Will laughed when Justin quickly averted the conversation away from his past with a joke. It was typical Justin. He was so glad they were able to get to a place where they could still be friends. For awhile there, he had been so convinced Justin would hate him forever. He ordered a burger with fries and a side of gravy. He was an Aussie, chips were best with gravy on top. He watched the young waitress pretty much trying to flirt with Justin, smirking. He had dated him long enough to know a lot of girls adored gay guys. Justin was as gay as gay could be, but there had definitely been fans who thought they could turn him. Or they were just so smitten with him, they automatically tried to flirty with him. Justin was charismatic, so he was easy to like and enjoy being in the presence of. He had that starpower, though only those closest to him knew what was truly behind that facade. “I bet she’s totally picturing you and Sash naked in her head. She’s got that fangirl vibe to her.”
Justin gave Will a light whack on the shoulder. “She’ll have to fight Cas. She’s our Fag Hag Queen and always will be. So, what’s movement, then? With Zeke, I mean. I know we’re supposed to be talking about the book and stuff but honestly, so much has happened lately that I’m still processing. I’m not sure what I want to include or leave out. You probably need to drill me more in privacy so I can spill my guts and figure it out. I don’t want it to end up all over socials or TMZ. Life really bites me in the arse sometimes, you know?”
Will pressed his lips together and nodded, giving Justin a little nudge with his shoulder. “I do, and it’s okay. We go at your pace.” He was going to ask him about this whole mum not being his real mother thing but he figured Justin would ease into it when he was ready. The waitress placed their drinks in front of them and moved away again, albeit with great reluctance written all over her face but Justin had taken his phone out and using it to pretend to look busy. That was a move Will had seen him pull a billion times when he met his quota of fan contact for the day. He poked at the ice in his Coke. These places always used way too much ice. “Like, handjobs and making out. He still can’t get it up but he gets me off. He wanted to try and blow me but with the chemo nausea and all that, not exactly conducive. It’s okay, though. I don’t feel like I need it. It doesn’t always work for me either.”
“Yeah, Merlin was saying that about chemo too. Things were functioning okay for Brandon when they first met but his dick gave up the ghost eventually. I think they did they whole Viagra thing for their wedding night. Has Zeke thought about that? I hear it works. I remember you wanted to try it back with us too, when you had that bad patch.” Justin exhaled and glanced up at the TV behind the counter, tugging his lips to the side. “It’s cool you guys are together. Zeke’s one of the nicest guys on the planet. He won’t hurt you. You won’t hurt him. It’s nice.”
Will glanced over at the booth where Zeke was with their friends, laughing at something Cas was staying. “He got a script and had it filled, but I think he’s scared it won’t work. At the same time, I just don’t think he’s feeling well enough. With it being stomach cancer and having the bag and that, you know? He jokes about it probably being the prime time to let me fuck him because he won’t fart or, you know, other embarrassing stuff that can happen with anal. I just don’t think he feels sexy, even if he is. That side of things, I don’t know for sure. I was still a kid when I was sick. I didn’t think about sex. He’s got so many scars on his gut too, he’s embarrassed by them. Do you get embarrassed by your scars with Sash, or did in the early days?”
Justin shrugged, sipping his drink. “No, not really. But Sash and me were slowburn on that stuff when we first started dating. He didn’t have the urges, so we took our time. There’s no embarrassment anymore. It gets easier and we live together, so that helps. We’ve seen each other through all the embarrassing stuff. He was epic shy, though. He still is sometimes. Zeke just doesn’t sound ready and that’s okay. He probably thinks he should be but you know as well as anyone that being a cancer survivor when you’re younger, you’re delayed in all that stuff on some level. Have they said yet if he’ll have the bag permanently?”
“That’s what I tell him, that it’s okay not to be ready. I think he wants to be ready but actually being ready is another story. We’ve talked about it. The whole, we can still pretty much do it because we’re two guys and only need one working dick to manage but he wants it the whole two-way thing. It’s nicer that way anyway. That’s what I remember most about our first time. The give and take, it was really nice. Now, after everything, I don’t even know how you managed it, how you even wanted me to touch you. I wouldn’t have blamed you if you never wanted to…” Will found his gaze shifted to Justin’s left hand where his diamond engagement ring was prominent. That still felt unusual on some level, but not in a bad way. Maybe wistful more than anything, what could’ve been. He was so happy he found Sasha, who was everything he needed and deserved. It was pretty cool knowing they made a promise to get married one day. He noticed Sasha now wore an opal and diamond ring on his left ring finger too, so Justin must have reciprocated the gesture. Opal was Justin’s favourite stone because his Aussie grandmother gave him an opal the first time she met him. “Tara doesn’t think so. She’s hopeful if they rest his bowel for a few months once he gets to remission, it will heal enough to resume normal functioning. He’s got just enough of it left to function on its own. That’s one thing I’ll give Z. He’s got so much hope and fighting spirit.”
Justin smiled and nodded, giving Will a pat on the back. “He does, he’s a great guy. But you have too. I know with what happened with us, you probably don’t believe it but hope and fighting spirit are two of your biggest qualities. It’s kinda where we went wrong, when you think about it. It’s two things I don’t really understand. My psyche doesn’t process it the same way.” He tracked the tip of his straw through the ice in his drink and went quiet for a few moments, thinking about what Will said about their sex life, how he learned to be intimate in a loving way. “None of that ever had to happen, what I went through as a kid. She wasn’t even my mum. She kidnapped me, stole me from my real mum… and dad. I had Stockholm Syndrome, how I kept believing what she was doing to me was love. I could’ve been a normal kid.”
Will shook his head, watching Justin’s face closely. He heard the shift in his tone, voice dropping. “That’s so heavy, mate. I just… I can’t even fathom it in my head, what it would be like to discover that. You went and stayed with her for a bit, yeah? Your real mum? What’s she like? Zeke said that Sash told him she really looks like you.”
“Yeah, she’s amazing. Like, so pretty and kind. I got her eyes and she’s fair like me. It’s just… really fucking mindblowing, my head hasn’t really caught up. She’s a Professor of Music at Yale. She has all this orchestral music talent. She’s playing with the Symphony Orchestra, and how she teaches. Her dad, my grandfather, is a music producer. He’s worked with some huge names in the 80s and 90s. Then there’s my grandmother. She’s a dancer. She owns a dance studio but she used to be a professional dancer, and then a choreographer. It’s a complete fucking mindfuck. This is where I came from and I never knew it. I missed my whole fucking life, feeling like I was some sort of faggy freak wanting to do this stuff. At least, before I got to New York and it was embraced.” Justin shrugged, shaking his head. “I mean, don’t get me wrong. I’m happy. I had a few days with them and they’re great and all, but they’re still stranger so far. I’m their blood, I came from them, but they’re strangers. That feels shitty on some level. I feel cheated, as much as I did with not having my dad. I don’t get what I did in a past life to deserve what’s heaped on me in this one. It’s like, just as I think life can’t get anymore fucking weird, the universe goes, hold my beer.”
Will gave a soft laugh at this, shaking his head too. “But the band-aid’s ripped off now. You know and you’ve met them. They’re your family and you can get to know them now, have a relationship with them. It’s not too late. Just like with your dad. And… like, I don’t want to do that thing I always did that made you uncomfortable, being a Pollyanna, trying to look on the bright side of life. It’s just, I think you deserve this. The love and the family that adores you and protects you. You used to have no one and now you have so many family members who love you unconditionally. Anyone who loves you would hope that for you. But I get it, it’s got to be confusing as hell and exhausting trying to process it all. It really means everything changed for you now, but at the same time, things are still static around you.”
“Yeah, no. I mean, it’s okay. I get that you’re not trying to be all positive platitude overdose. I need that right now, people to remind me of the good stuff. My head’s still coming outta the suicide attempt. Which… fuck, I don’t even know what led me there this time. I was okay. It was just one of those times that I went from zero to one-thousand manic before anyone realised what was happening, least of all me. Even with all this happening, finding out I have a new family to love me, having a guy I’m so in love with, it hurts, having my work, and… everything, those thoughts are still thrumming away softly beneath the surface. How I feel too soul-exhausted to process this, it would be easier to just switch myself off for good. Shit, that’s the one thing I never know how to get other people to understand. How I can have all this now and still be suicidal. That’s where I’m kinda locked, though… with the book, I mean. What to put in, what to leave out. How I can use it to help people see what my life’s like. I don’t know how to pick and choose without prying open a can of worms that was my childhood.” Justin dropped his elbow onto the counter and rubbed his forehead with his fingers. His head always felt physically heavy when he started talking about these things.
“You want my opinion, as a writer and as someone who loves you and seen what you fight daily? Put in the parts you understand that makes you you. What you don’t understand yet, or don’t know how to fully explain, you keep that for yourself and for Sash, for your family. Because they all hurt and grieve with you for the pain you’ve had, and still have every single day. You don’t need to tell the world you survived sexual abuse. You can just say you were abused as a child. You don’t need to tell them how many suicide attempts you’ve had, or how they played out. You can just say you’ve had a lot of attempts. You don’t owe anyone anything. I know you feel like you do sometimes, because you get sick and it knocks you out of action with your work. You want to justify that because you feel guilty you’re impacting on your fans supporting you. Plus, you feel a really heavy burden to promote awareness of mental illness and PTSD, and helping other people who battle them. But this book? It’s not about anyone else, it’s about your life. It’s up to you how you tell it,” Will insisted, giving Justin a smile because he could almost see the cogs of his mind whirring, processing, compartmentalizing.
Justin took his phone out of his pocket again and quickly Googled some of the media that hit when he was kidnapped as a baby. He handed the phone to Will to see. “It was a massive deal when it happened, national news. A baby disappearing from a hospital without a trace. Dad thinks that’s why the cunt took me away to some pissy little Southern town in the middle of nowhere and registered my birth as a home birth. All that she was involved in, someone with connections was probably sorting it. I dunno. I feel sick when I try to think about it too much. That’s the thing, though. If I talk about this publicly, in the book, anywhere… I’m going to need to link it back to this. It could attract media arseholes. They might try to dig up what happened to me. I dunno if I’m in the right emotional place for that, or if I’ll ever be. But at the same time, I don’t wanna keep my birth mum a secret. Dad thinks if I feel I wanna talk about it, put it out there, I can just cover it by saying I’ve got dissociative amnesia and don’t remember much of my childhood. I mean, it’s not fully a lie. There’s a lot I don’t remember. Then it means I pry open shit about it being Complex-PTSD but maybe that’s something that might help me to put out there? It’s what led to the bipolar and being suicidal. It’s what gave my psychosis. It’s not even about hiding, it’s just that there’s things in my life I want private because it’s really hard to deal with and makes me sick to keep prying the wounds open.” He looked over at Sash, who was showing Tori something on his phone. Any decision he made would directly impact on Sasha too, which was a huge deciding factor to him.
“He has a lot of anxiety, yeah?” Will murmured, following Justin’s gaze over to Sasha. “I saw him have a panic attack, it was full-on. Like, as epic full-on as any panic attack can be. You worry about him, that’s natural. That needs to come into it when you decide too. Maybe it might be cathartic for you to get some of this down in words, in an understandable narrative about what makes you Justin Campbell. That was one of the reasons why you came to me and wanted me to write this. You wanted your fans to understand what has brought you to where you are and what you juggle to achieve it. The working title is Bipolar and Broadway: The Justin Campbell Story. Those are the things you wanted to most focus on. And all this stuff, it contributes to the bigger picture. It’s not going to be all heavy and deep stuff. You have a hell of a lot of fun, happy, exciting memories and experiences you want in there too.”
Justin scrunched his face up with a nod and sat back when the waitress delivered their plates but this time he didn’t make eye contact so she didn’t try to engage him again. He just busied himself taking a sip of his drink and waited for her to move away again. “Sash’s anxiety is PSTD-related too and it’s gotten really bad. Physically bad. It makes him sick. Literally. I blamed myself at first but he’s sat me down and made me understand it links back to his dad, to growing up with a severely disabled father, to losing his best friend to aggressive cancer. He stresses now because he worries about me and that’s just part of him. I don’t mean to worry him or scare him. He doesn’t show it but he’s really shaken from finding me after I took all those pills and had to give me CPR until the paramedics arrived. Like, he legit had a breakdown. That’s between you and me for the moment. He hasn’t spoken about it to anyone but his family. He’s a huge part of my decision-making process. He wants me safe. I want him safe. Maybe that’s the whole ultimate goal… what keeps me and everyone I love safe, what I only want them to know. Us, our family, our friends. It’s like I need this invisible force-field around them. Anything beyond that, I wanted carefully censored and constructed so it doesn’t bite me in the arse later. Can you be real with me for a bit, does me talking about this, about being with Sash, make you uncomfortable? I worry about that.”
“No,” Will promised without hesitation, shaking his hand. He put his hand over Justin’s, giving it a reassuring squeeze. “Not at all. It’s actually really special to me that you trust me with it. I know how huge it is for you. Sash is an awesome guy, I love him. He brought Zeke to me, after all. I’m glad we can have this dynamic. You’re forgetting that I know what this is like for him. I’ve been there. I’m glad I can still be part of your life and that we trust each other enough to be able to talk like this. You know none of this will go beyond me. I know I sucked at other parts of our relationship when I freaked out and got scared, but I always kept your privacy and always will. Same goes for Sash, he’s part of you now. I mean, you guys are gonna get married one day! That’s so cool.”
Justin gave Will a smile but soon followed it with a hug. “I know and thank you. You’ve got no idea how priceless that is to me. There’s no one else I would trust with writing this for me. Actually… did you know Winston just joined our PR team as Media and Communications Manager? I mean, not just for me, but my company and for the charities? You don’t want a job, do you? You could probably work with him as an assistant, learn from him as you go. There’s a lot coming up with the tour and everything attached to that. He’s pretty much overseeing anything officially put out there for us. Winnie’s, like, the most sweetest person on earth. We’re going to be Co-Guideparents to Baby Chester. Oh, man, I’m so excited about that.”
Will’s mouth dropped open and he gaped for a few moments. “Are… you serious? Do you know how much I love Winston’s work? I remember you talking ages ago about how your dad was working to build a company in your name that interlinked all the stuff you do, but it’s legit happening now? Holy shit. You think he would want to work with me? I don’t know if I’m good enough…” He scratched the back of his neck self-consciously. “You’re going to be a Guideparent! That might be the coolest thing ever. I love hanging out with Milo and being uncle. It’s my favourite thing. How much longer has she got before the baby comes?”
“I’m legit serious!” Justin laughed and gave Will a light slap on the forehead. “Hey, you’re good enough! I dated you long enough to know that. You just don’t believe in yourself. But that’s okay, we’ll all do it for you. You’re writing my biography, aren’t you? The thing about the company is we get to pick and choose who works with me and I want people I know and trust. You could learn so much from Winston. Like, hands-on to what you’re going to do in college after your gap year. If you’re interested, I’ll ask him. Did you hear he’s dating Jude now? Oh, yeah… how’s Milo going? I haven’t been to The Bondi in so long, being sick and all. We should all have a big party there one night again. We used to do that so much back then, hey?”
“Wow, fuck. You don’t have to do this, you know. I mean, shit… I remember the first time I really sat down and had a conversation with Sash. It was the middle of the night the first time we went to Vermont, I’d just started dating Zeke. You were just out of hospital. He called me out on feeling weird that he had a book deal to write his dad’s story, knowing I was a writer and all. Pretty much just told me I was being basic and reminded me I’m a writer, even if I haven’t had anything published. Told me he was just doing it because his dad couldn’t write his own story. It was a seriously special chat for me, I saw how much he was your soul mate in that moment, just from how kind he was being to me when he didn’t have to be. It was a big turning point for me, because he also helped me realise it was okay to have feelings for Zeke.” Will was quiet for a few moments then and cleared his throat. “I wanted to ask if you wanted me to leave stuff about us out of your story. I won’t be hurt or upset if you do. I know how hard it was on you.”
Justin paused in cutting the corner of his chicken, eyebrows raising. “I’m telling my story. Why would I leave my first love out? I’ve never wanted to just score out what we had, or erase the fact we ever happened. You know that’s not what I’ve wanted to do. It hurt when we broke up and when we did, I really believed I’d never do the love thing again. But not because of you or what happened. Because of me, what loving me means. I know it’s not fucking easy. You did look after me, Will. You just didn’t realise you couldn’t save me from myself. Still a big part of me. When I met you, I didn’t believe I was capable of being loved. Not in the real way. I didn’t even know what it was. You showed me. So, why would I leave that out? Is it going to be hard for you to work through to write it?”
Will shook his head, smiling. “No. I think it’s just going to be strange to write the words from your point of your. Wait, strange isn’t the right word. More surreal, I guess. It’s not that you didn’t tell me how you were feeling back then but I know your experience filtered through the bipolar and PTSD lens is probably going to be a good experience for me. Towards the end there, the second time we broke up, you more just shutdown and blanked me, which is exactly what I deserved. But I didn’t know what you were going through. It was around the time of Bondi and everything too. Maybe I’m a bit scared of what you’re going to say.”
“Don’t be. I’m not going to pull some epic dick move and wanna trash you or anything. I’ve never trashed you and never will. That would be the same as saying I regret dating you and I don’t. You hit the nail on the head there. It was around the time of Bondi, so it’s not going to be some ranty bullshit like, yeah, I tried to drown myself then I broke up with my boyfriend and my parents’ marriage fell apart and it was my fault. It was a point in my life where everything changed and I was really sick. I think our relationship was just collateral damage. We were either gonna sink or swim at that point - pardon the pun - and it was a turning point. That’ll be the context, I think. I don’t wanna give the whole world a blow-by-blow of anything at that point in my life. I was too sick to be able to commentate in a way that wouldn’t end up rambly BS.” Justin shrugged, dipping the chicken into the aioli and taking a bite. “So, you’re probably nervous writing about Sash and me starting off then too, hey? Do you wanna talk about it?”
Will laughed, shrugging too. “That goes without saying but it’s more curiosity than anything. I don’t know a lot of how it all happened, beyond the Make-a-Wish thing. I know you said you want to dedicate a chapter to Andi, which is awesome. I also know that’s not going to be easy because she passed away just after you guys met. Sash must’ve gone through some awful shit when that happened. By the time I came back to New York, you guys were well-established and, like, weeks from getting engaged. You got outed in London, didn’t you?”
Justin groaned, even if he had his mouthful, nodding. He held his hand up while he chewed and washed it down with a sip of his drink. “Some fan took pictures of us cuddling waiting to get on the London Eye because it was fucking freezing. It wasn’t even that I was hiding. It was nothing like that. People made it into a whole dumb bullshit thing of speculating if I was still with you and cheating on you with Sash, all because I never confirmed you and I broke up. Like, fuck them. I don’t owe fans any of my personal life and I’m never swaying from that. I share some things because it’s just nice to, but I’m not obligated to give a running commentary of my love life. Still, it lead to all this spec about who Sasha was and blah blah blah. We’d actually been out in public together a lot by that point. That was just the first someone invaded our privacy taking pictures and posting them on socials. You know what it was like. I dunno, I think working through my relationship with Sash, I’ll have to figure out how much I wanna put in or leave out. I mean, his sexuality for one. There’s an easy jump from talking him being ace to speculation about our sex life, which is too far. People have legit given him hate because they falsely believed he doesn’t put out and I shouldn’t have to go without because I’m famous or some shit. Like, what the fuck is that? It shits me. So fucking ignorant. Like, say you were in my shoes, you wouldn’t want rando strangers speculating about your sex life with Zeke.”
“Fuck, no,” Will agreed, shaking his head. He glanced between Justin and Sasha, thinking about all they had been through to just make a relationship work before even thinking about anything else. “People are dicks. You can tell sex doesn’t make Sash uncomfortable. He jokes about it and has a laugh at being ace with everyone. It’s just different for him but it’s no one’s business but you guys. Still, I know promoting LGBT+ awareness is important for you, so I know talking about this in your book will be too. You and Sash should work through those parts together, then let me know what angle you want to take with it. I know you champion all of us in the squad who identify on the spectrum. It’ll probably be a vital part of what you want to talk about.”
“Totally. There’s gotta be dialogue about this stuff and I have the exposure. It’s one of the biggest reasons I do what I do, wanna do more than I do, even. It’s hard to explain, but that side of things keeps me going. It’s a purpose. That, and the mental illness stuff. The C-PTSD is harder… I think about that a lot because even just explaining what it is, how it’s different to just general PTSD, it’s going to flag I went through some heavy shit when I was younger, for a long time. I want to talk about the hard shit but that it’s not all bad. I mean, fuck. It’s far from all bad. The opportunities and privileges I’ve been given… when I got to New York, I was pretty much Walking Dead. I dunno how I was still alive. It takes a lot to pull off what I do. I couldn’t do it without everyone around me helping me.” Justin toyed with a piece of tomato and ended up pushing it to the side of the plate because it was too soggy and he was already getting full. “How’s your book going, though? The novel you were writing. Please don’t tell me it’s still shelved.”
“Jus, jeez… I lost confidence in the story,” Will had to admit sheepishly. He felt kind of stupid saying it out loud too, knowing what Justin achieved even when he was sick. He had been copping out on his own writing, he knew that. But figuring out how to get back to it was hard shit. “Besides, I’ve got loads to keep me busy.”
Justin looked at Will in quiet contemplation for a few moments and then placed his fork down on his plate. “You don’t think it’s a valid story worthy of being written? Your protagonist is a cancer survivor trying to figure out how to live again after remission, with all the struggles and setbacks. You don’t think you’re more than equipped to be the one to write that? You could talk to Zeke about it, you know. I read parts of what you’d written and it’s really good. You don’t lose confidence in your own story, you lose confidence in you. But you can get it back.”
“You’ve never lost confidence in your story?” Will asked him quietly, knowing that he had just been hit with some much needed Justin Campbell Voice of Truth, aka, a slap by the reality police, but nice. No matter how bad their relationship ended, he never stopped valuing Justin’s advice or opinions because he knew they came from a place that had survived horrible awful things to get there.
“Never,” Justin confirmed with a shake of his head. “It’s the one thing I have complete control over. It’s why I am who I am now. Some of it’s really fucking awful. I’ve experienced evil. But it’s still mine to tell however I need to tell it, as much of it or as little of it as I like. And there’s people out there who have been through the same shit I have, or others who haven’t and want to understand. That’s why I know everyone’s story is important to tell in some way. It’s why I love music. It often can say things I don’t know how to say myself. For you, it’s writing. You can’t let that go, love. Or you’ll look back one day and wish you never stopped, feeling like it’s all too late. You’re dating someone who’s going through the battle again. Isn’t that the perfect time to put your words on paper? I bet someone like Zeke is a person who would love to read your novel.”
Will took a deep breath and then let it out in a rush. “I forget how easy you are to talk to sometimes. I convince myself you won’t want to listen. I don’t even know why. You know my head fucks me up sometimes.”
“Yeah, I do,” Justin laughed and gave Will a nudge with his shoulder. “I’ll always wanna listen. You shouldn’t forget that. You’re a fucking master at de-valuing yourself. Uncle Alec said things like that are like a physical injury, you know. If you sprain your ankle and keep walking on it, it’ll never get better. You have to tell yourself to stop so it can heal. What’s the worst that can happen? You finish it and it doesn’t get published? But you’ve still written a novel and you can still keep trying. If you work with Winston, you can learn even more about being a human-interest writer. I know that stuff interests you. It’s the sort of writing you wanna do.”
Will laughed softly, putting the remnants of his burger down with a shake of his head. “It blows me away you still remember all this stuff. That you even have room for it in your brain with everything else going on. It is, though. It’s exactly what I want to do. I love Winston’s style of writing.”
“My head can be a weird, fucked-up, wonderful, nutty place. Like that’s a secret. But c’mon, I’d never forget that stuff. I still care about you, you know. Just because we’re not in love, doesn’t mean we can’t still love and care for each other. I don’t want you to forget that, okay? Here…” Justin sat forward and pulled Will into a hug, patting his back. “I wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t for what we had and I’ll always cherish that. Never forget that. I wouldn’t have gotten the Footloose role without you and I wouldn’t have known I’m loveable without you. No one will ever take that away. I never replaced you with Sash. He was just the next chapter of my story that came after yours.”
Will veered close to tears, not realising how much he needed to hear this and hug it out with Justin. “Thanks, Jus. You have no fucking idea how much I needed to hear this.”
LOG, COMPLETE
What: New Chapters
Where: En-route to Vermont
When: After this
Just when Zeke thought Justin couldn’t get more extra with his love of sing-a-longs, Karaoke, and road trip music, before they even leave New York, he whips out a Portable Karaoke System that Sash apparently got him for his birthday. And Zeke had been all over it, desperately needing some fun after a chaotic few months of treatment.
Will had come over to tell him that Justin and Sash suggested going on a weekend road trip so Justin and Will could have time catching up about where Will was up to writing Justin’s book and, while they were busy, he and Sash could hang out. At the last minute, they invited Cas and Tori too, all piling into to Sasha’s mom’s 7-seat teal Peugeot SUV to drive up to Justin and Sasha’s lakehouse in Vermont that Justin’s dad bought off Andi’s parents in trust. It was an investment for the future but it was pretty cool they owned a property together and that it used to be Andi’s. Zeke, Sash, and Tori all had fond memories of the place from when they were younger and would come here for family holidays. It was a seriously cool road trip, and the best part was, he was on a chemo break so he didn’t feel too bad in general.
The first part of the trip had literally just been an epic sing-a-long with Justin leading while they shared around piles of junk food and Dory swapped from lap to lap, in her element. For the first time in ages, Zeke felt completely relaxed and happy, hopeful, even. Which said a lot because he had been struggling with the news of how quickly Brandon went downhill after his and Merlin’s wedding. Before that, Zeke had been having chemo with Brandon and they struck up a cool friendship, united over barf bags and tears of frustration. Will had also been a big part of that. They had all been starstruck when Merlin brought Brandon into the mix, out-of-the-blue, where they all discovered Brandon Blake was not only gay but hot for Merlin’s ass. Cancer wasn’t a thing anyone wanted to bond over, but that’s what happened, considering Will, too, was a leukemia survivor and he talked about his own fight with Brandon. Now he was in an intensive care isolation ward fighting for his life. It sucked but it was exactly the reason they had to remember the special and happy things in life because it was way too fragile than anyone wanted to admit.
Justin had kicked off with Money for Nothing playing, complete with the drum solo of well-honed air-drumming he had played many, many times on real drums, using the microphone as a pretend drumstick. This was one song he had played all the instrumentals on and lead sing-a-longs with the audience at some of his charity performances. He hiked the volumed up and kicked them all up with an enthusiastic, “Sing it, bitches!”
They were about halfway into their trip when they all decided to stop at a diner for something to eat. Justin and Will planned to find a spot to sit alone so they could chat a bit because Will wanted to do some work on his laptop while they were on the road. But while the rest of them chose a booth to sit, Sash and Justin had headed to the bathroom and Zeke only realised they had been in there for a lot longer than it took to pee when they both exited, coming out into the diner with Sasha tucking his shirt in and Justin raking his fingers through his hair. Zeke’s eyebrows shot up. “Did you two seriously just…?”
Justin shot them a smirk when Sasha slid into the booth and he leaned over, giving him a kiss. “Have you seen his arse in these jeans?” He took the small box of pills Sasha got out of the pocket of his jacket and gave to him. “Now, behave yourselves, kids. I don’t wanna have to put you in the naughty corner.”
He Sash, Zeke, Cas, Tori, and Dory to it and went over to the far end of the counter where Will was sitting on one of the stools with his notebook. Justin gave him a kiss on the cheek and plopped onto the stool next to him, grabbing the menu. “I have no clue where we last left off, love. Sorry. Zeke’s looking well. You guys going okay?”
“Yeah, we’re awesome. I mean, besides him being sick. It’s kind of brought us closer together, though. I get how it is for him. I can see you and Sash are doing awesome too,” Will laughed, noticing too that they came out of the bathroom with definite sex hair. “Making up for lost time being out-of-action, huh? That was usually the sign you were getting better. I didn’t think he would be into, like, random diner bathroom sex. Being ace and all.”
Justin smirked as he read over the menu, trying to find something like that would leave him feeling like he wanted to hork all over the place. Since this peritoneal dialysis thing had been put in him, he barely had an appetite. Plus, trying to get back to work, he would automatically watch what he ate. He didn’t like processed shit because it wasn’t good fuel for the high-impact dancing he did. That wasn’t to say he was a total buzzkill. He still liked candy and junkfood when he was chilling out and he was hardly about to turn into a pretentious vegan shit. “He’s ace, not impotent. That just means he doesn’t experience sexual attraction, but he makes up for it in romantic attraction. You know how it is for me anyway, so it works for us. We just fit. Still no movement on this stuff with Zeke?”
“There’s movement. Just not, you know… intercourse. Does that word always sound weird to you when you say it out loud too?” Will snorted in amusement, closing the menu once he decided on a burger. “It should feel weirder for us to talk about this stuff, shouldn’t it?”
Justin closed his menu too and leaned on the counter with a shrug. “Yeah, it sounds all fucking clinical and stuffy, two things sex should never be. But I don’t think it should be weird. Maybe some people think it should be but, I mean, you were the first person I ever trusted sexually. You were the one who showed me what real sex should be, that it wasn’t… a weapon, aggressive, controlling. Come into my true sexuality. Now there’s a wankish way to describe it,” he joked and the waitress came over to take their order, beaming at him all over again. She must have a face ache by now with how much she was doing it when she asked him for a selfie. He ordered a chicken club, holding the bun with no fries and a Diet Dr Pepper.
Will laughed when Justin quickly averted the conversation away from his past with a joke. It was typical Justin. He was so glad they were able to get to a place where they could still be friends. For awhile there, he had been so convinced Justin would hate him forever. He ordered a burger with fries and a side of gravy. He was an Aussie, chips were best with gravy on top. He watched the young waitress pretty much trying to flirt with Justin, smirking. He had dated him long enough to know a lot of girls adored gay guys. Justin was as gay as gay could be, but there had definitely been fans who thought they could turn him. Or they were just so smitten with him, they automatically tried to flirty with him. Justin was charismatic, so he was easy to like and enjoy being in the presence of. He had that starpower, though only those closest to him knew what was truly behind that facade. “I bet she’s totally picturing you and Sash naked in her head. She’s got that fangirl vibe to her.”
Justin gave Will a light whack on the shoulder. “She’ll have to fight Cas. She’s our Fag Hag Queen and always will be. So, what’s movement, then? With Zeke, I mean. I know we’re supposed to be talking about the book and stuff but honestly, so much has happened lately that I’m still processing. I’m not sure what I want to include or leave out. You probably need to drill me more in privacy so I can spill my guts and figure it out. I don’t want it to end up all over socials or TMZ. Life really bites me in the arse sometimes, you know?”
Will pressed his lips together and nodded, giving Justin a little nudge with his shoulder. “I do, and it’s okay. We go at your pace.” He was going to ask him about this whole mum not being his real mother thing but he figured Justin would ease into it when he was ready. The waitress placed their drinks in front of them and moved away again, albeit with great reluctance written all over her face but Justin had taken his phone out and using it to pretend to look busy. That was a move Will had seen him pull a billion times when he met his quota of fan contact for the day. He poked at the ice in his Coke. These places always used way too much ice. “Like, handjobs and making out. He still can’t get it up but he gets me off. He wanted to try and blow me but with the chemo nausea and all that, not exactly conducive. It’s okay, though. I don’t feel like I need it. It doesn’t always work for me either.”
“Yeah, Merlin was saying that about chemo too. Things were functioning okay for Brandon when they first met but his dick gave up the ghost eventually. I think they did they whole Viagra thing for their wedding night. Has Zeke thought about that? I hear it works. I remember you wanted to try it back with us too, when you had that bad patch.” Justin exhaled and glanced up at the TV behind the counter, tugging his lips to the side. “It’s cool you guys are together. Zeke’s one of the nicest guys on the planet. He won’t hurt you. You won’t hurt him. It’s nice.”
Will glanced over at the booth where Zeke was with their friends, laughing at something Cas was staying. “He got a script and had it filled, but I think he’s scared it won’t work. At the same time, I just don’t think he’s feeling well enough. With it being stomach cancer and having the bag and that, you know? He jokes about it probably being the prime time to let me fuck him because he won’t fart or, you know, other embarrassing stuff that can happen with anal. I just don’t think he feels sexy, even if he is. That side of things, I don’t know for sure. I was still a kid when I was sick. I didn’t think about sex. He’s got so many scars on his gut too, he’s embarrassed by them. Do you get embarrassed by your scars with Sash, or did in the early days?”
Justin shrugged, sipping his drink. “No, not really. But Sash and me were slowburn on that stuff when we first started dating. He didn’t have the urges, so we took our time. There’s no embarrassment anymore. It gets easier and we live together, so that helps. We’ve seen each other through all the embarrassing stuff. He was epic shy, though. He still is sometimes. Zeke just doesn’t sound ready and that’s okay. He probably thinks he should be but you know as well as anyone that being a cancer survivor when you’re younger, you’re delayed in all that stuff on some level. Have they said yet if he’ll have the bag permanently?”
“That’s what I tell him, that it’s okay not to be ready. I think he wants to be ready but actually being ready is another story. We’ve talked about it. The whole, we can still pretty much do it because we’re two guys and only need one working dick to manage but he wants it the whole two-way thing. It’s nicer that way anyway. That’s what I remember most about our first time. The give and take, it was really nice. Now, after everything, I don’t even know how you managed it, how you even wanted me to touch you. I wouldn’t have blamed you if you never wanted to…” Will found his gaze shifted to Justin’s left hand where his diamond engagement ring was prominent. That still felt unusual on some level, but not in a bad way. Maybe wistful more than anything, what could’ve been. He was so happy he found Sasha, who was everything he needed and deserved. It was pretty cool knowing they made a promise to get married one day. He noticed Sasha now wore an opal and diamond ring on his left ring finger too, so Justin must have reciprocated the gesture. Opal was Justin’s favourite stone because his Aussie grandmother gave him an opal the first time she met him. “Tara doesn’t think so. She’s hopeful if they rest his bowel for a few months once he gets to remission, it will heal enough to resume normal functioning. He’s got just enough of it left to function on its own. That’s one thing I’ll give Z. He’s got so much hope and fighting spirit.”
Justin smiled and nodded, giving Will a pat on the back. “He does, he’s a great guy. But you have too. I know with what happened with us, you probably don’t believe it but hope and fighting spirit are two of your biggest qualities. It’s kinda where we went wrong, when you think about it. It’s two things I don’t really understand. My psyche doesn’t process it the same way.” He tracked the tip of his straw through the ice in his drink and went quiet for a few moments, thinking about what Will said about their sex life, how he learned to be intimate in a loving way. “None of that ever had to happen, what I went through as a kid. She wasn’t even my mum. She kidnapped me, stole me from my real mum… and dad. I had Stockholm Syndrome, how I kept believing what she was doing to me was love. I could’ve been a normal kid.”
Will shook his head, watching Justin’s face closely. He heard the shift in his tone, voice dropping. “That’s so heavy, mate. I just… I can’t even fathom it in my head, what it would be like to discover that. You went and stayed with her for a bit, yeah? Your real mum? What’s she like? Zeke said that Sash told him she really looks like you.”
“Yeah, she’s amazing. Like, so pretty and kind. I got her eyes and she’s fair like me. It’s just… really fucking mindblowing, my head hasn’t really caught up. She’s a Professor of Music at Yale. She has all this orchestral music talent. She’s playing with the Symphony Orchestra, and how she teaches. Her dad, my grandfather, is a music producer. He’s worked with some huge names in the 80s and 90s. Then there’s my grandmother. She’s a dancer. She owns a dance studio but she used to be a professional dancer, and then a choreographer. It’s a complete fucking mindfuck. This is where I came from and I never knew it. I missed my whole fucking life, feeling like I was some sort of faggy freak wanting to do this stuff. At least, before I got to New York and it was embraced.” Justin shrugged, shaking his head. “I mean, don’t get me wrong. I’m happy. I had a few days with them and they’re great and all, but they’re still stranger so far. I’m their blood, I came from them, but they’re strangers. That feels shitty on some level. I feel cheated, as much as I did with not having my dad. I don’t get what I did in a past life to deserve what’s heaped on me in this one. It’s like, just as I think life can’t get anymore fucking weird, the universe goes, hold my beer.”
Will gave a soft laugh at this, shaking his head too. “But the band-aid’s ripped off now. You know and you’ve met them. They’re your family and you can get to know them now, have a relationship with them. It’s not too late. Just like with your dad. And… like, I don’t want to do that thing I always did that made you uncomfortable, being a Pollyanna, trying to look on the bright side of life. It’s just, I think you deserve this. The love and the family that adores you and protects you. You used to have no one and now you have so many family members who love you unconditionally. Anyone who loves you would hope that for you. But I get it, it’s got to be confusing as hell and exhausting trying to process it all. It really means everything changed for you now, but at the same time, things are still static around you.”
“Yeah, no. I mean, it’s okay. I get that you’re not trying to be all positive platitude overdose. I need that right now, people to remind me of the good stuff. My head’s still coming outta the suicide attempt. Which… fuck, I don’t even know what led me there this time. I was okay. It was just one of those times that I went from zero to one-thousand manic before anyone realised what was happening, least of all me. Even with all this happening, finding out I have a new family to love me, having a guy I’m so in love with, it hurts, having my work, and… everything, those thoughts are still thrumming away softly beneath the surface. How I feel too soul-exhausted to process this, it would be easier to just switch myself off for good. Shit, that’s the one thing I never know how to get other people to understand. How I can have all this now and still be suicidal. That’s where I’m kinda locked, though… with the book, I mean. What to put in, what to leave out. How I can use it to help people see what my life’s like. I don’t know how to pick and choose without prying open a can of worms that was my childhood.” Justin dropped his elbow onto the counter and rubbed his forehead with his fingers. His head always felt physically heavy when he started talking about these things.
“You want my opinion, as a writer and as someone who loves you and seen what you fight daily? Put in the parts you understand that makes you you. What you don’t understand yet, or don’t know how to fully explain, you keep that for yourself and for Sash, for your family. Because they all hurt and grieve with you for the pain you’ve had, and still have every single day. You don’t need to tell the world you survived sexual abuse. You can just say you were abused as a child. You don’t need to tell them how many suicide attempts you’ve had, or how they played out. You can just say you’ve had a lot of attempts. You don’t owe anyone anything. I know you feel like you do sometimes, because you get sick and it knocks you out of action with your work. You want to justify that because you feel guilty you’re impacting on your fans supporting you. Plus, you feel a really heavy burden to promote awareness of mental illness and PTSD, and helping other people who battle them. But this book? It’s not about anyone else, it’s about your life. It’s up to you how you tell it,” Will insisted, giving Justin a smile because he could almost see the cogs of his mind whirring, processing, compartmentalizing.
Justin took his phone out of his pocket again and quickly Googled some of the media that hit when he was kidnapped as a baby. He handed the phone to Will to see. “It was a massive deal when it happened, national news. A baby disappearing from a hospital without a trace. Dad thinks that’s why the cunt took me away to some pissy little Southern town in the middle of nowhere and registered my birth as a home birth. All that she was involved in, someone with connections was probably sorting it. I dunno. I feel sick when I try to think about it too much. That’s the thing, though. If I talk about this publicly, in the book, anywhere… I’m going to need to link it back to this. It could attract media arseholes. They might try to dig up what happened to me. I dunno if I’m in the right emotional place for that, or if I’ll ever be. But at the same time, I don’t wanna keep my birth mum a secret. Dad thinks if I feel I wanna talk about it, put it out there, I can just cover it by saying I’ve got dissociative amnesia and don’t remember much of my childhood. I mean, it’s not fully a lie. There’s a lot I don’t remember. Then it means I pry open shit about it being Complex-PTSD but maybe that’s something that might help me to put out there? It’s what led to the bipolar and being suicidal. It’s what gave my psychosis. It’s not even about hiding, it’s just that there’s things in my life I want private because it’s really hard to deal with and makes me sick to keep prying the wounds open.” He looked over at Sash, who was showing Tori something on his phone. Any decision he made would directly impact on Sasha too, which was a huge deciding factor to him.
“He has a lot of anxiety, yeah?” Will murmured, following Justin’s gaze over to Sasha. “I saw him have a panic attack, it was full-on. Like, as epic full-on as any panic attack can be. You worry about him, that’s natural. That needs to come into it when you decide too. Maybe it might be cathartic for you to get some of this down in words, in an understandable narrative about what makes you Justin Campbell. That was one of the reasons why you came to me and wanted me to write this. You wanted your fans to understand what has brought you to where you are and what you juggle to achieve it. The working title is Bipolar and Broadway: The Justin Campbell Story. Those are the things you wanted to most focus on. And all this stuff, it contributes to the bigger picture. It’s not going to be all heavy and deep stuff. You have a hell of a lot of fun, happy, exciting memories and experiences you want in there too.”
Justin scrunched his face up with a nod and sat back when the waitress delivered their plates but this time he didn’t make eye contact so she didn’t try to engage him again. He just busied himself taking a sip of his drink and waited for her to move away again. “Sash’s anxiety is PSTD-related too and it’s gotten really bad. Physically bad. It makes him sick. Literally. I blamed myself at first but he’s sat me down and made me understand it links back to his dad, to growing up with a severely disabled father, to losing his best friend to aggressive cancer. He stresses now because he worries about me and that’s just part of him. I don’t mean to worry him or scare him. He doesn’t show it but he’s really shaken from finding me after I took all those pills and had to give me CPR until the paramedics arrived. Like, he legit had a breakdown. That’s between you and me for the moment. He hasn’t spoken about it to anyone but his family. He’s a huge part of my decision-making process. He wants me safe. I want him safe. Maybe that’s the whole ultimate goal… what keeps me and everyone I love safe, what I only want them to know. Us, our family, our friends. It’s like I need this invisible force-field around them. Anything beyond that, I wanted carefully censored and constructed so it doesn’t bite me in the arse later. Can you be real with me for a bit, does me talking about this, about being with Sash, make you uncomfortable? I worry about that.”
“No,” Will promised without hesitation, shaking his hand. He put his hand over Justin’s, giving it a reassuring squeeze. “Not at all. It’s actually really special to me that you trust me with it. I know how huge it is for you. Sash is an awesome guy, I love him. He brought Zeke to me, after all. I’m glad we can have this dynamic. You’re forgetting that I know what this is like for him. I’ve been there. I’m glad I can still be part of your life and that we trust each other enough to be able to talk like this. You know none of this will go beyond me. I know I sucked at other parts of our relationship when I freaked out and got scared, but I always kept your privacy and always will. Same goes for Sash, he’s part of you now. I mean, you guys are gonna get married one day! That’s so cool.”
Justin gave Will a smile but soon followed it with a hug. “I know and thank you. You’ve got no idea how priceless that is to me. There’s no one else I would trust with writing this for me. Actually… did you know Winston just joined our PR team as Media and Communications Manager? I mean, not just for me, but my company and for the charities? You don’t want a job, do you? You could probably work with him as an assistant, learn from him as you go. There’s a lot coming up with the tour and everything attached to that. He’s pretty much overseeing anything officially put out there for us. Winnie’s, like, the most sweetest person on earth. We’re going to be Co-Guideparents to Baby Chester. Oh, man, I’m so excited about that.”
Will’s mouth dropped open and he gaped for a few moments. “Are… you serious? Do you know how much I love Winston’s work? I remember you talking ages ago about how your dad was working to build a company in your name that interlinked all the stuff you do, but it’s legit happening now? Holy shit. You think he would want to work with me? I don’t know if I’m good enough…” He scratched the back of his neck self-consciously. “You’re going to be a Guideparent! That might be the coolest thing ever. I love hanging out with Milo and being uncle. It’s my favourite thing. How much longer has she got before the baby comes?”
“I’m legit serious!” Justin laughed and gave Will a light slap on the forehead. “Hey, you’re good enough! I dated you long enough to know that. You just don’t believe in yourself. But that’s okay, we’ll all do it for you. You’re writing my biography, aren’t you? The thing about the company is we get to pick and choose who works with me and I want people I know and trust. You could learn so much from Winston. Like, hands-on to what you’re going to do in college after your gap year. If you’re interested, I’ll ask him. Did you hear he’s dating Jude now? Oh, yeah… how’s Milo going? I haven’t been to The Bondi in so long, being sick and all. We should all have a big party there one night again. We used to do that so much back then, hey?”
“Wow, fuck. You don’t have to do this, you know. I mean, shit… I remember the first time I really sat down and had a conversation with Sash. It was the middle of the night the first time we went to Vermont, I’d just started dating Zeke. You were just out of hospital. He called me out on feeling weird that he had a book deal to write his dad’s story, knowing I was a writer and all. Pretty much just told me I was being basic and reminded me I’m a writer, even if I haven’t had anything published. Told me he was just doing it because his dad couldn’t write his own story. It was a seriously special chat for me, I saw how much he was your soul mate in that moment, just from how kind he was being to me when he didn’t have to be. It was a big turning point for me, because he also helped me realise it was okay to have feelings for Zeke.” Will was quiet for a few moments then and cleared his throat. “I wanted to ask if you wanted me to leave stuff about us out of your story. I won’t be hurt or upset if you do. I know how hard it was on you.”
Justin paused in cutting the corner of his chicken, eyebrows raising. “I’m telling my story. Why would I leave my first love out? I’ve never wanted to just score out what we had, or erase the fact we ever happened. You know that’s not what I’ve wanted to do. It hurt when we broke up and when we did, I really believed I’d never do the love thing again. But not because of you or what happened. Because of me, what loving me means. I know it’s not fucking easy. You did look after me, Will. You just didn’t realise you couldn’t save me from myself. Still a big part of me. When I met you, I didn’t believe I was capable of being loved. Not in the real way. I didn’t even know what it was. You showed me. So, why would I leave that out? Is it going to be hard for you to work through to write it?”
Will shook his head, smiling. “No. I think it’s just going to be strange to write the words from your point of your. Wait, strange isn’t the right word. More surreal, I guess. It’s not that you didn’t tell me how you were feeling back then but I know your experience filtered through the bipolar and PTSD lens is probably going to be a good experience for me. Towards the end there, the second time we broke up, you more just shutdown and blanked me, which is exactly what I deserved. But I didn’t know what you were going through. It was around the time of Bondi and everything too. Maybe I’m a bit scared of what you’re going to say.”
“Don’t be. I’m not going to pull some epic dick move and wanna trash you or anything. I’ve never trashed you and never will. That would be the same as saying I regret dating you and I don’t. You hit the nail on the head there. It was around the time of Bondi, so it’s not going to be some ranty bullshit like, yeah, I tried to drown myself then I broke up with my boyfriend and my parents’ marriage fell apart and it was my fault. It was a point in my life where everything changed and I was really sick. I think our relationship was just collateral damage. We were either gonna sink or swim at that point - pardon the pun - and it was a turning point. That’ll be the context, I think. I don’t wanna give the whole world a blow-by-blow of anything at that point in my life. I was too sick to be able to commentate in a way that wouldn’t end up rambly BS.” Justin shrugged, dipping the chicken into the aioli and taking a bite. “So, you’re probably nervous writing about Sash and me starting off then too, hey? Do you wanna talk about it?”
Will laughed, shrugging too. “That goes without saying but it’s more curiosity than anything. I don’t know a lot of how it all happened, beyond the Make-a-Wish thing. I know you said you want to dedicate a chapter to Andi, which is awesome. I also know that’s not going to be easy because she passed away just after you guys met. Sash must’ve gone through some awful shit when that happened. By the time I came back to New York, you guys were well-established and, like, weeks from getting engaged. You got outed in London, didn’t you?”
Justin groaned, even if he had his mouthful, nodding. He held his hand up while he chewed and washed it down with a sip of his drink. “Some fan took pictures of us cuddling waiting to get on the London Eye because it was fucking freezing. It wasn’t even that I was hiding. It was nothing like that. People made it into a whole dumb bullshit thing of speculating if I was still with you and cheating on you with Sash, all because I never confirmed you and I broke up. Like, fuck them. I don’t owe fans any of my personal life and I’m never swaying from that. I share some things because it’s just nice to, but I’m not obligated to give a running commentary of my love life. Still, it lead to all this spec about who Sasha was and blah blah blah. We’d actually been out in public together a lot by that point. That was just the first someone invaded our privacy taking pictures and posting them on socials. You know what it was like. I dunno, I think working through my relationship with Sash, I’ll have to figure out how much I wanna put in or leave out. I mean, his sexuality for one. There’s an easy jump from talking him being ace to speculation about our sex life, which is too far. People have legit given him hate because they falsely believed he doesn’t put out and I shouldn’t have to go without because I’m famous or some shit. Like, what the fuck is that? It shits me. So fucking ignorant. Like, say you were in my shoes, you wouldn’t want rando strangers speculating about your sex life with Zeke.”
“Fuck, no,” Will agreed, shaking his head. He glanced between Justin and Sasha, thinking about all they had been through to just make a relationship work before even thinking about anything else. “People are dicks. You can tell sex doesn’t make Sash uncomfortable. He jokes about it and has a laugh at being ace with everyone. It’s just different for him but it’s no one’s business but you guys. Still, I know promoting LGBT+ awareness is important for you, so I know talking about this in your book will be too. You and Sash should work through those parts together, then let me know what angle you want to take with it. I know you champion all of us in the squad who identify on the spectrum. It’ll probably be a vital part of what you want to talk about.”
“Totally. There’s gotta be dialogue about this stuff and I have the exposure. It’s one of the biggest reasons I do what I do, wanna do more than I do, even. It’s hard to explain, but that side of things keeps me going. It’s a purpose. That, and the mental illness stuff. The C-PTSD is harder… I think about that a lot because even just explaining what it is, how it’s different to just general PTSD, it’s going to flag I went through some heavy shit when I was younger, for a long time. I want to talk about the hard shit but that it’s not all bad. I mean, fuck. It’s far from all bad. The opportunities and privileges I’ve been given… when I got to New York, I was pretty much Walking Dead. I dunno how I was still alive. It takes a lot to pull off what I do. I couldn’t do it without everyone around me helping me.” Justin toyed with a piece of tomato and ended up pushing it to the side of the plate because it was too soggy and he was already getting full. “How’s your book going, though? The novel you were writing. Please don’t tell me it’s still shelved.”
“Jus, jeez… I lost confidence in the story,” Will had to admit sheepishly. He felt kind of stupid saying it out loud too, knowing what Justin achieved even when he was sick. He had been copping out on his own writing, he knew that. But figuring out how to get back to it was hard shit. “Besides, I’ve got loads to keep me busy.”
Justin looked at Will in quiet contemplation for a few moments and then placed his fork down on his plate. “You don’t think it’s a valid story worthy of being written? Your protagonist is a cancer survivor trying to figure out how to live again after remission, with all the struggles and setbacks. You don’t think you’re more than equipped to be the one to write that? You could talk to Zeke about it, you know. I read parts of what you’d written and it’s really good. You don’t lose confidence in your own story, you lose confidence in you. But you can get it back.”
“You’ve never lost confidence in your story?” Will asked him quietly, knowing that he had just been hit with some much needed Justin Campbell Voice of Truth, aka, a slap by the reality police, but nice. No matter how bad their relationship ended, he never stopped valuing Justin’s advice or opinions because he knew they came from a place that had survived horrible awful things to get there.
“Never,” Justin confirmed with a shake of his head. “It’s the one thing I have complete control over. It’s why I am who I am now. Some of it’s really fucking awful. I’ve experienced evil. But it’s still mine to tell however I need to tell it, as much of it or as little of it as I like. And there’s people out there who have been through the same shit I have, or others who haven’t and want to understand. That’s why I know everyone’s story is important to tell in some way. It’s why I love music. It often can say things I don’t know how to say myself. For you, it’s writing. You can’t let that go, love. Or you’ll look back one day and wish you never stopped, feeling like it’s all too late. You’re dating someone who’s going through the battle again. Isn’t that the perfect time to put your words on paper? I bet someone like Zeke is a person who would love to read your novel.”
Will took a deep breath and then let it out in a rush. “I forget how easy you are to talk to sometimes. I convince myself you won’t want to listen. I don’t even know why. You know my head fucks me up sometimes.”
“Yeah, I do,” Justin laughed and gave Will a nudge with his shoulder. “I’ll always wanna listen. You shouldn’t forget that. You’re a fucking master at de-valuing yourself. Uncle Alec said things like that are like a physical injury, you know. If you sprain your ankle and keep walking on it, it’ll never get better. You have to tell yourself to stop so it can heal. What’s the worst that can happen? You finish it and it doesn’t get published? But you’ve still written a novel and you can still keep trying. If you work with Winston, you can learn even more about being a human-interest writer. I know that stuff interests you. It’s the sort of writing you wanna do.”
Will laughed softly, putting the remnants of his burger down with a shake of his head. “It blows me away you still remember all this stuff. That you even have room for it in your brain with everything else going on. It is, though. It’s exactly what I want to do. I love Winston’s style of writing.”
“My head can be a weird, fucked-up, wonderful, nutty place. Like that’s a secret. But c’mon, I’d never forget that stuff. I still care about you, you know. Just because we’re not in love, doesn’t mean we can’t still love and care for each other. I don’t want you to forget that, okay? Here…” Justin sat forward and pulled Will into a hug, patting his back. “I wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t for what we had and I’ll always cherish that. Never forget that. I wouldn’t have gotten the Footloose role without you and I wouldn’t have known I’m loveable without you. No one will ever take that away. I never replaced you with Sash. He was just the next chapter of my story that came after yours.”
Will veered close to tears, not realising how much he needed to hear this and hug it out with Justin. “Thanks, Jus. You have no fucking idea how much I needed to hear this.”
LOG, COMPLETE