Liam Kristopher Morgan (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
wannabesurgeon) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
dreamlikenewyork2019-05-20 03:55 am
wannabesurgeon) wrote in dreamlikenewyork2019-05-20 03:55 am
"As I see the moonlight shining in your eyes."
Who: Liam Morgan and Damien Larson
What: Alone Time
Where: Cape Cod, MA
When: After this
After the emotional rollercoaster that was their Karaoke night, Damien and Liam decided to take a moonlit walk along the beach once they got back to Brandon’s beach house. What Damien really wanted to do was beeline to Merlin and Brandon’s room to check how Merlin was. He had sent them both texts but no answer had come from either of them. Liam managed to alleviate Damien’s stress of not getting a response by reminding them that there was probably a significant chance Merlin and Brandon were either asleep or having much-needed intimate time alone together. Whether they were sleeping or having sex, it was their business. They didn’t need everyone rapping on their door and disturbing them. Merlin’s breakdown at the bar was evidence this was an emotional mountain to conquer and they had barely started the climb.
Liam gave Damien’s hand a soft squeeze as they walked slowly along the shore. “You okay, love? You’re quiet and I can tell you’re still worrying about Merlin. He’s fine, I promise. Brandon’s not going to let him not be.”
Damien looked up from where his eyes had been on the sand, giving Liam a sheepish smile. “Yeah, sorry. My heart’s still hurting from seeing him break down like that. Even if I fucked up my rights to it, my reflexive reaction is still to try to shield my baby brother from hurt. I know they’re okay. I do. I mean, Merlin even ninja’ed a perfect engagement ring for Brandon. I just wish this could be easier for them, that’s all.”
“They’re doing really well, all things considered. There’ll be these moments. We can’t keep sticking our noses in when they want to try to work through them together. Think about it from their perspective, put yourself in their shoes. Say it was us, say it was me who broke down like that over trying to take care of you when you were ill. We’d work through it together, right? I know the us we are now would and when we were feeling better, we’d make sure the people we cared about knew we were okay. Just give them time. It’s not that he doesn’t need help, it’s just that this is Brandon’s job.” Liam released Damien’s hand and slipped his arm around his waist. “Let’s sit and watch the waves. There’s something I want to talk to you about anyway.”
“Should I be worried Merlin made himself sick, though? He ain’t given himself an ulcer or something, has he?” Damien maybe just needed a tiny weeny bit more reassurance but then he fully intended to take Liam’s wise advice and let Merlin and Brandon navigate their pain together. He nodded and they moved to the dry sand to sit down, pressed close, arms around each other. “Uh-oh, that sounds heavy. Should I be nervous? Because I am.”
Liam kicked his shoes off so he could bury his toes in the sand. He rubbed Damien’s back and shook his head. “He had a panic attack, love. You could hear he was hyperventilating when he sung the last few lines before he cut himself off. You’ve seen me have panic attacks. I always feel better after I throw up. Chill, don’t stress. They would ask for help if they needed it. And no, you don’t need to be nervous. I just want you to open up to me a bit about something… namely, HIV scare?”
“Ah… that,” Damien murmured, drawing his lip between his teeth. “I had a bad club experience after our second breakup. Around the same time I tracked down the cunt who lured you to that evil fuck who raped you. I was starting to spiral, I guess. Maybe that’s when things started to get messed in my head. I went to a gay club and I took pills, drank a lot. Stupid amounts of booze. Hooked up with some dude on the dancefloor and next thing I know, I’m waking up naked in a pool of my own sick in a dingy hotel room. It was rough sex. I was in a lot of pain, had bruises and scratches all over me. I won’t TMI you but it was obvious it was unprotected. I dunno how consensual it was, I don’t remember any of it. I went straight to the ER and waited to see Riley. He checked me over and thought it looked like I’d been assaulted. He put me straight on PEP, even though the early HIV test seemed clear, I still have to wait out the three months to be sure. It was just awful. All my own stupidity but still awful. I was so fucking trashed, I’d even pissed and shit myself.”
With a sigh, Liam moved his hand from Damien’s back to first nurse his head and then feather his fingers through his hair. “Fucking hell. Please tell me you didn’t just try to go through all that alone as some sort of punishment for fucking up. PEP is harsh and horrible. Was someone taking care of you? You should’ve called me.”
“Even if we were broken up? I was fucking ashamed and embarrassed. I dunno if I could’ve called you even if I wanted to. I was convinced you hated me.” Damien rested his head on Liam’s shoulder and caressed his thigh. “I mean, it was ages ago now. I don’t wanna get all emo over it but yeah… it was horrible. I stayed with Riley. He was great. He had to work, obviously, but he made sure I had everything I needed. I could barely get outta bed for weeks. About the only time I did was to piss and shower. Or when I had explosive diarrhea. Like, it anything was a public service announcement for using protection, it was the simultaneous barfing and shitting my guts out from the side effects. That’s why I really fucking feel for what Wes is going through, poor kid.”
Liam nodded, pressing his lips together with mutual sympathy. “He’s not well but he’s pushing on like a trooper. I would’ve helped you even if we were broken up, babe. I’m a doctor, I would’ve helped. We’ve both nursed each other through sickness when we were together. It wouldn’t have been anything to be embarrassed about. They’re harsh drugs. That’s the tough reality. Not on par with chemo but still harsh on the system. Do you ever think about where we would be now if we hadn’t broken up? I can’t even lie, I’ve been thinking about it a hell of a lot…” he confessed, watching the silvery trail of light from the moon on the surface of the water.
Damien felt a lot of comfort and reassurance in Liam telling him he should have called him. They couldn’t wind back the clock but it was comforting that they were getting back on track here. He wanted Liam to be the one who took care of him when he was sick for the rest of his life. “Oh, yeah. A hell of a lot. We’d be married. It’s hard to avoid thinking about with Merlin and Brandon in wedding-mode. I kinda wish we just were and none of the shit happened. I know I gotta own the fuck-ups, though.”
“Maybe we could put it right…” Liam suggested quietly, biting his lip when he turned his gaze back to Damien. The swishing of the waves on the shore was a comforting soundtrack to what was inevitably going to be an emotional conversation for them.
Damien’s gaze shot back to Liam, floored by what he was saying. Maybe it was a joke or some lighthearted teasing but he knew Liam’s tone when he was pulling the piss. He knew his telltale smirk. But he wasn’t quite convinced that wistfulness about what could’ve been or reminiscing of their good days could ever lead to back to what they had before. “Get engaged again? Are you serious?”
“Or married,” Liam murmured with a shrug. He cleared his throat and started tracking his fingertips through the sand. The disjointed roads his fingers made in the sand reminded him of the chaotic paths their relationship had taken. “If neither of us need the big white wedding thing. We could just do it, put it all right. Get back to the start…” he added, quoting The Scientist, a song they now came to associate with their relationship.
“Fuck,” fell from Damien’s lips before he could stop it, gaping at Liam. “You… really wanna marry me? Like… now? After everything?”
“I don’t have a static black and white answer to that, so I’ll just try to explain where my head’s at,” Liam explained, because he had been through so much in his life that there was just no such thing as mainstream anymore. He had to learn along the way to listen to his heart and gut. It was the only way he could deal with his depression and anxiety. “I feel like we - both of us, plural - fucked up what we had for the wrong reasons. I feel like back then, we were totally ready to settle down with each other and it’s what we both wanted. It’s what should’ve happened. That’s where we should be at now. I think our second attempt at dating after our first breakup was drowned out by trying to fix what we fucked up, which was never going to work. I’ve been thinking the more and more we spend time together that that missing link is that we just should be married. We can do-over what we did wrong. It’s not a third chance. It’s just a reset, back to factory settings, which I really feel is marriage for us. I think if we do that, it’ll be something static to fight for and it cancels out the fuck-ups. But I’ll admit, the more I think about, the less I care about an actual wedding. It’s the being married, the marriage. That’s not what it’s about. I don’t even know if I’m making sense here.”
Damien didn’t even try to pretend to himself this wouldn’t make him emotional. It would - it was - and he got teary listening to how Liam was reasoning out his thoughts. For one, he knew this was all so honest and open because Liam was well and he had been well since Damien got back to New York. Save for when he had the brief panic attack in Jersey, which was directly related to sex, always a difficult topic for Liam. He could tell how grounded Liam was by how calmly he had accepted Damien’s return and let himself be open to exploring what that meant for them, for their reunion. So, yeah, after everything they had been through, after Damien thinking Liam would never want to be in breathing space near him again, damn right he was tearing up. “Fucking hell, I never thought I’d hear you say something like that to me ever again,” he said with a teary laugh of disbelief. “Have I lost consciousness and having some really, really realistic hallucination? You really still wanna marry me? Just no wedding?”
Liam shook his head and fond smile on his lips. He flicked a little sand onto Damien’s foot. “Not no wedding. I’m not making radical ultimatums. That’s not fair and it’s not what either of us want. I’m not saying that we have to do anything one way or else we’re done. We’d have a ceremony but I’d mostly feel like it was just sealing the deal. Not that I think this is a deal. Sorry, I’ll probably keep tripping all over this because there’s no real precedent here. I just wanted to put it out there as a possibility so we can talk about it. All the shit we encountered in the past, where we went wrong, it was because we stopped talking about it. Or you tried to fill in your own gaps about what I needed rather than just talking it through. So, this time, I’m telling you that I think this is what I need and I think we could make it work. Now you can tell me what you need. And if you feel like that might be that you really want a wedding someday and rather do it traditionally, then we keep talking.”
Damien was shaking his head and moved to kneel in front of Liam on the sand, putting his fingers to Liam’s lips. “We don’t need to keep talking about this bit. We don’t. I don’t need a wedding. After these last few weeks, it’s more important to me to make sure Merlin and Brandon get theirs. But I do need a marriage… with you. It’s all I’ve ever needed since you proposed to me and I don’t think I ever stopped. Marry me? Let’s do this. I just wanna know that you’re sure.”
Liam held up a finger. “One proviso, one I know will be important to you. Talk to Merlin about this. You arced up when you found out he and Brandon had gotten engaged, not wanting them to elope or do some quick City Hall deal. We can’t do this unless you keep him 100% in the loop so he’s not blindsided as your little brother and doesn’t feel you’re trying to steal his thunder. He’s your priority here but you don’t need me to spell that bit out to you. We wouldn’t be here if he wasn’t. At the end of the day, in a few months time, we’ll still have each other… I hope.” He smiled at Damien. “But Merlin and Brandon might not. They might not have years, decades, whatever, to make their memories like I hope we do. It’s something we’d probably have to sit down with our families and explain.”
“Yeah, that is important. Fuck, I would never want him to feel like we were stealing his thunder. Or that I don’t see how important it is for them to make those memories. I’ll talk to him. So, we don’t make any decisions either way until I find out how he would feel about me getting married in the exact same way I didn’t want him to? Fucking hell, saying it out loud, it sounds nuts and I can’t be entirely convinced he wouldn’t wanna bitchslap me. Now I’m shitting myself.” Damien sat back on his haunches, biting his lip as he looked up in the distance to Brandon’s house where the lights were on in the ground floor but nothing upstairs was alight. Merlin and Brandon were probably asleep. He knew they both needed the rest while Brandon’s side effects were manageable on his chemo break days. He looked over Liam’s face. “Did I scare you out of wanting a wedding?”
“Our final decision can wait. At least the cards are on the table. It’s kind of a little nuts but we get to make our own rules. We’ve been through enough to deserve that. He’s not going to bitchslap you for talking to him. It sounds to me like that’s all he really wants from you.” Liam grabbed the front of Damien’s shirt and flopped back onto the sand, pulling Damien with him. “No, you didn’t. You’ve just got to remember I’ve had two failed engagements. I don’t want to rack up another one. It made me start realising that the wedding wasn’t so important to me anymore. It’s really just a formalized ceremony and a party anyway. We can have fun at Merlin and Brandon’s party. All the people we care about will be there.”
Damien looked up at the stars. They were lucky to have a crystal clear night. It was a little chilly by the water but nothing jackets couldn’t combat. “It’s all real heavy, huh? Like, I can get swept up in all this and feel excited as fuck that we’re even talking about getting married but I don’t want you to feel like it means I forget any of what brought us here. I’m not forgetting what my little brother is battling. Or that you and me both have stuff that goes on in our head that’s gonna give us good and bad days. But this is seriously the happiest I’ve felt in a very long time and I thought I was there when we were making love in Jersey.” He took Damien’s hand to hold. “I want my baby brother to have that same feeling for a very long time, not just months, at the most.”
Liam laced their fingers, enjoying the peacefulness of their surroundings. The sea air was helping him think and clear his head a lot. “It is heavy but I think the good outweighs the bad. At least, so far. It’s impossible to predict and outcome for Brandon but I know Lachie will be doing everything he can to find a match for Brandon. I have a feeling with Brandon’s announcement going up, numbers of potential donors will surge. They just have to be careful not to drench resources and search smarter, isolating the best options. Or they could waste time. The thing is, even if they find a match, it’s going to get harder and more terrifying once they start that process. I think having this time now, getting married, making some memories while they can, it’s been the best call for them. How did your folks take the news their baby’s getting married to guy he’s only known a few months? Do they think you’re nuts for trying to give us a third chance?”
“I’ve been reading about the stem cell transplant process, what happens to the patient. You’re right, it’s fucking terrifying. Even the first step where they put him on mass doses of chemo and radiation to fully kill the cancer and his immune system or whatever. I dunno how Merl will hold up through all that and I think it’s gonna be even harder when he has a wedding ring on his finger. But we just gotta take care of him, make sure he knows he ain’t alone for any of it. Do you think Brandon has a decent chance surviving that stuff?” Damien kicked his shoes off too, content to settle in for a little while lying on the beach with Liam. He knew later they would go to bed and make love but for now, the talking was nice and the silver lining was, it prevented Damien wanting to check Merlin and Wes were okay every five minutes.
Still, he did take his phone out and shoot Wes a quick text, just in case he needed anything. Damien’s mom had been on the phone to him the day before yesterday telling him she didn’t know what Wes was going through because Merlin told her it was private but asked him to take care of him as much as he did Merlin. “They were shocked but they understand why. I know they struggle a little with the fact Merlin’s got to be a secret and they probably worry that’ll take its toll eventually. But they know this is what Merlin wants and that Brandon makes him happy. They would never pull the overbearing parent card. My folks just aren’t like that. They want us happy. They’ve conquered a lot of their own prejudices over the years now having two LGBT+ kids. They don’t even go to church anymore. Not after how Jesse’s mother treated him when he came out. But they freaking love you, babe. They’re proud I had the balls to try again and fight for you, now I have meds and back to feeling more myself.”
“Brandon has all the odds in his favour because he was in peak fitness for his age pre-cancer. Beyond peak, even. He would have to be to do the filming he does. He also had no pre-existing medical conditions. He’s in the best position he can be. I think once he married Merlin and there’s a sturdy foundation of their relationship as he goes into the tough fight, that will help him through. That stuff can be more powerful than medicine sometimes. Liam rolled onto his side, propping his head up on his hand and slipped his other hand beneath Damien’s button-up. “Were you hospitalized over there with your dysthymia? I know you said you spent a bit of time in rehab drying out but I just realised you didn’t go into specific detail about how you were diagnosed and found meds that helped. Sometimes, it takes trial and error with antidepressants. I’ve noticed you’re a little low some mornings. Have you had a medication review since? Sorry, I’m not trying to doctor you. I just want to make sure you’re getting the best care.”
Damien nodded slowly, looking up at Liam before he pulled him down into a kiss. His lips had looked so inviting and his eyes were bright and attentive in the moonlight. He got caught up in the moment and couldn’t resist the urge to kiss him, even if they were navigating over some more deep topics. Then he closed his arms around Liam in a hug, breathing him in and basking in his warmth. “You smell amazing. I missed having you this close to me. Do you know how many times I had to avoid fragrance counters at duty free because I’d catch your cologne and feel homesick. But not for home, for you. I’m glad Brandon has Merl. I remember all the times if I was feeling shitty or sick, you would be there to hold me and take care of me. I think we were good at that stuff together when it was all going well. But, yeah, I had about a week in a psych unit. It was after rehab and when I told them in the ER I felt suicidal. It was okay. Just a little confronting, I guess. Probably not the best facility available. They strongly suggested I fly home for my health and wellbeing but I couldn’t, obviously.”
Liam suspected this might have been the case. Being British, he knew the National Health in the UK and how it worked. He left the ball in Damien’s court how much he wanted to tell him or even when he wanted to bring it up. Considering they had just decided to get married at some point, whether sooner or later, now was the time to at least put it out there that he cared about what happened, even if they had been broken up at the time. He swept Damien’s hair back from his face, brushing his thumb over his lips. “If you’d have told me that, I would’ve flown over to see you there. You’re probably not going to believe that considering things had probably started with Pax and me by then but I would’ve. Because I know how scary those places are and I know how scary it is to be diagnosed with a mental illness. I wouldn’t have wanted you over there dealing with that alone. We didn’t end on nasty terms, we just… ended.”
Damien started to get emotional hearing that and he closed his eyes, drawing in a shaky breath. But he nodded. “I do believe you. And you wanna know something? I had to have picked up the damn phone twenty… thirty times while I was in there to call you. Not just to tell you. To try to apologise and make it better somehow, I dunno. So fucking much went through my head when I was trying to get dry and then when they medicated me. I just couldn’t. I was scared to be rejected and have my heart broken all over again. I know all that was my own bed I had to lie in and stuff but I was just… just…”
“Vulnerable,” Liam murmured with an understanding nod.These conversations weren’t easy to have but they knew they would encounter these difficult waters as they reunited and got used to being in a relationship together again, being intimate, confiding the harder stuff. “Did you have anyone supporting you or helping you through. I don’t mean paid medical staff.”
“Brendan,” Damien had to remind him with a helpless shrug. “Who hasn’t returned any of my calls or texts since I told him we were getting back together. I’m absolutely fucking dreading going to work with Justin on a day he’s there. I hate it because I never wanted shit to end badly with him. I wasn’t stringing him along. I think he’s just pissed because the last we spoke, he was telling he was breaking up with Trey and maybe even blames me for shit going south with him. I dunno. He was there for me, though. He was doing work on a West End show for a few months and he came to visit me each day and then I stayed with him for a couple of weeks. It was after I was getting back on my feet that we started sleeping together.”
Liam moved back so he could sit on the sand again and coaxed Damien with him. He wrapped his arms around him with a sigh. “Well, I think overall, it’s been a fucked up experience for everyone involved. Just keep trying to reach out to him to try to apologise. That’s all you can do. He’s allowed to be pissed and need time to accept what’s happened. That said, I don’t know a hell of a lot about music other than through Scotty but as a Sound Engineer and working for both Justin’s shows and the Footloose tour, wouldn’t he be meeting with venues in the lead-up to the tour?”
Damien frowned, tilting his head. “Yeah, maybe… I didn’t think about that. Things have just been so full-on with Merlin and now Wes, I’ve been distracted. Oh, and getting things back on the right track with you,” he murmured, giving Liam another soft kiss. “I’ll be working with Justin when I get back to the City. We did a bit of work before we left for here but it was only looking at setlists and shit. I was so freaking excited about the tour but now I’m just nervous. Stressed, even. About leaving Merlin and Wes. Leaving you,” he added, shaking his head.
“Are you saying you don’t want to do it anymore? If you’re wavering, you should tell Justin and his team ASAP. But practically, love, Justin’s only doing one show per city and it’s not every state. There’ll be gaps between each place too, so he can rest. You can fly home after each show or every second show, something like that. We’ll all make sure Merlin and Wes are taken care of. This is a massive opportunity for a career, love. It could very realistically earn you a recording contract. That’s the first thing you told me when you told me Justin scouted you to be his supporting act. Don’t let your head get in the way,” Liam insisted, rubbing Damien’s arm.
“Jesus fuck no. I want it more than fucking anything. Probably just as much as I wanna finally swear to you we’ll be in this for better or worse. It ain’t just having the chance to be his supporting act. His entire team network are awesome. All the professionals he works with, I’ll get a chance to experience that. I don’t wanna toss away my dream right when someone’s handing me the route in on a silver platter.” Damien closed his eyes and hung his head, trying to swallow away the lump of emotion creeping into his throat. “I’m scared Brandon’s gonna die and I won’t be here for Merlin when he needs me more than he ever has his whole life. I’ve been talking to my folks and we dunno how we’re gonna get him through if Brandon doesn’t make it.”
A sad frown crept to Liam’s face and he rubbed little circles to Damien’s back as he listened. “You’re going on a US tour, love, not being deployed to the Middle East in the military. You know if something happens, Justin’s team are going to let you be on the next flight home. Merlin’s part of their family, they’re more than aware of the precariousness of the situation. Sasha’s best friend passed from leukemia. No one is going to stop you getting back to your brother if he needs you. You can’t let your head sabotage this. You know you need to do it, even if it’ll be hard. And you’re going to love every fucking minute of it.”
Damien turned his gaze to Liam. “If you get some days off in a row that crossover with the tour dates, will you fly out to see the show wherever we are? I’m gonna miss you. I don’t want me being away to fuck up the leeway we’re making this time. That worries me just as much as everything else too. What if this’ll only work if we can have the time together to keep working on it?”
“Of course I fucking will. Just try to stop me,” Liam promised, resting his head against Damien’s as they sat there cuddled up close, working through more of this groundwork to get their relationship right this time. “I know we’ve put a lot of emphasis on the need to have physical time together to really work on getting back on track and succeeding this time but at the end of the day, I still work crazy hours so me being on-call at the hospital for thirty-two hours or whatever isn’t any different to you going away to work. We’re not going to let work drive a wedge. We’ve been through too much for something minute as that to shake our foundations. There’s Skype and Facetime too. We’ll be fine. We just need to stay mindful and we need to keep communicating, love. Especially the tough stuff. I want to know if you’re having a bad day or struggling so I can support you. I promise I’ll tell you the same.”
Damien couldn’t keep his hands off Liam. Not in a sense he had a constant urge to tear Liam’s clothes off and throw him onto the nearest flat surface. That had never been what they were about. Damien loved sex, there was no doubt about that. But he had always known Liam was a rape survivor so nothing about their relationship had ever been based on sex. It was just something they had the luxury of when Liam was well and they could make love without stressing him. It was more that he just wanted to feel Liam close. He wanted to hold his hand, spoon him, caress him with tender little touches, sit pressed up beside him, snuggle while they watched TV… all that stuff was what he missed the most. He was stroking Liam’s thigh, fingertips mapping out parts of Liam’s body just because he could. “Have you spoken to Paxton? I didn’t know if this was a subject I should raise or not. If you’re not comfortable with me talking about him, it’s cool. I totally respect that. I’m just rooting for you guys. I don’t want to see you lose a lifelong friendship because I know how important he is to you.”
For Liam, it wasn’t an off-limits topic. “We’ve been emailing and working through it. He said he had a feeling if you ever came into the picture again and wanted to put things right that I’d probably get back together with you. That’s the thing about Pax and me, love. I’ve told him everything and always have. This distance between us has been hard. But he knows everything I went through when our relationship was so rocky. I think he and I are going to be fine once he gets back to NYC and we have the chance to talk. We still have to work through the cheating thing before we even get to my decision to reunite with you. That’s the thing. At the end of the day, he still cheated so he and I probably wouldn’t have given dating another chance anyway. It’s too important to focus of mending our friendship going forward. We still need each other a lot.”
Damien knew there was a lot of water under the bridge with them. “Everyone’s gonna think we’re nuts for thinking about getting married, you know. I thought Merl was a lil’ bit nuts when he dropped the bomb that Brandon was his fiancé. I nearly fell off the freaking chair. I didn’t know if his lack of meds had just pushed him over the edge or something. But now, I get it. I really do. The more I think about it, the more I get it. The thing is, it’s easy to be concerned Brandon’s nearing the end but there’s still a chance he’ll live. If he does, they’re married. What do they do then? Get a divorce and go back to a normal relationship timeline?”
“What’s a ‘normal relationship timeline’, thought?” Liam asked with a shrug. He knew Damien could be a chronic overthinker at times. They both shared that trait. But where Liam’s was more trauma-related resulting from his PTSD, Damien always tried to reason things out so he could understand where all the cookies were crumbling. He had to learn the hard way that trying to look too far into the future could cause more problems than they were dealing with in the present. Things didn’t always work out how you anticipated. “I think they’re both really conscious they’d be still married if Brandon goes into remission. It’s probably a big part of why they decided to do it. I don’t think their decision was made naively. But you should talk to Merlin about this. Ask him. He’ll talk to you about it. It’s just been a tough couple of days. Get him when he’s feeling better. He’s got his meds, he’ll be working through his emotions with Brandon. I think you need to sit down with him and just chat so you get better insight into his thought processes. You have to remember he’s in a state of pseudo-grief for Brandon already. He’s grieving someone who is still living and breathing in his arms. Nothing can stop that. It’s just one of the awful things that comes with cancer. You can’t switch off the what-ifs and you can’t delude yourself that it’s all going to be okay either.”
Liam was giving Damien a lot to think about. He gave Liam a soft smile born of the helplessness he felt over helping Merlin. “I think a big part of it is just not wanting to let go of the fact my baby brother is an adult now. But he is and he’s fucking nailing it. Still blows my mind he got Brandon. I’m happy for him, just… in a way that makes me wanna fucking cry because it hurts.”
Liam tightened his cuddle and nuzzled Damien’s temple. “I know, love. And you’ve just got to feel it. There’s nothing that will really take it away. Just champion the happy parts because that’s what they’re trying to do. And look at it this way, in the next couple of weeks, you’re going to be Brandon Blake’s brother-in-law.”
“Damn, when you put it like that,” Damien laughed, turning his head so their lips could meet in a slowly kiss neither were in a hurry to cut short. “Wanna head back to the house? I wanna take you bed so freaking bad.”
Liam smiled and pushed himself up on his knees, offering Damien his hand to get up off the sand. “Yeah, let’s go to bed. We’re going to conveniently steer you directly past Merlin and Brandon’s room and let them sleep, aren’t we?” he said pointedly, brushing the sand from his jeans once he stood up.
“Reluctantly,” Damien agreed, laughing at the knowing smile Liam was giving him. Once they were standing, he stepped up to Liam, putting his hands on Liam’s hips. “I love you so much. If only I let you talk me down all those times I fucked us up in the past.”
“Third time lucky,” Liam murmured, giving Damien a wink.
LOG, COMPLETE
What: Alone Time
Where: Cape Cod, MA
When: After this
After the emotional rollercoaster that was their Karaoke night, Damien and Liam decided to take a moonlit walk along the beach once they got back to Brandon’s beach house. What Damien really wanted to do was beeline to Merlin and Brandon’s room to check how Merlin was. He had sent them both texts but no answer had come from either of them. Liam managed to alleviate Damien’s stress of not getting a response by reminding them that there was probably a significant chance Merlin and Brandon were either asleep or having much-needed intimate time alone together. Whether they were sleeping or having sex, it was their business. They didn’t need everyone rapping on their door and disturbing them. Merlin’s breakdown at the bar was evidence this was an emotional mountain to conquer and they had barely started the climb.
Liam gave Damien’s hand a soft squeeze as they walked slowly along the shore. “You okay, love? You’re quiet and I can tell you’re still worrying about Merlin. He’s fine, I promise. Brandon’s not going to let him not be.”
Damien looked up from where his eyes had been on the sand, giving Liam a sheepish smile. “Yeah, sorry. My heart’s still hurting from seeing him break down like that. Even if I fucked up my rights to it, my reflexive reaction is still to try to shield my baby brother from hurt. I know they’re okay. I do. I mean, Merlin even ninja’ed a perfect engagement ring for Brandon. I just wish this could be easier for them, that’s all.”
“They’re doing really well, all things considered. There’ll be these moments. We can’t keep sticking our noses in when they want to try to work through them together. Think about it from their perspective, put yourself in their shoes. Say it was us, say it was me who broke down like that over trying to take care of you when you were ill. We’d work through it together, right? I know the us we are now would and when we were feeling better, we’d make sure the people we cared about knew we were okay. Just give them time. It’s not that he doesn’t need help, it’s just that this is Brandon’s job.” Liam released Damien’s hand and slipped his arm around his waist. “Let’s sit and watch the waves. There’s something I want to talk to you about anyway.”
“Should I be worried Merlin made himself sick, though? He ain’t given himself an ulcer or something, has he?” Damien maybe just needed a tiny weeny bit more reassurance but then he fully intended to take Liam’s wise advice and let Merlin and Brandon navigate their pain together. He nodded and they moved to the dry sand to sit down, pressed close, arms around each other. “Uh-oh, that sounds heavy. Should I be nervous? Because I am.”
Liam kicked his shoes off so he could bury his toes in the sand. He rubbed Damien’s back and shook his head. “He had a panic attack, love. You could hear he was hyperventilating when he sung the last few lines before he cut himself off. You’ve seen me have panic attacks. I always feel better after I throw up. Chill, don’t stress. They would ask for help if they needed it. And no, you don’t need to be nervous. I just want you to open up to me a bit about something… namely, HIV scare?”
“Ah… that,” Damien murmured, drawing his lip between his teeth. “I had a bad club experience after our second breakup. Around the same time I tracked down the cunt who lured you to that evil fuck who raped you. I was starting to spiral, I guess. Maybe that’s when things started to get messed in my head. I went to a gay club and I took pills, drank a lot. Stupid amounts of booze. Hooked up with some dude on the dancefloor and next thing I know, I’m waking up naked in a pool of my own sick in a dingy hotel room. It was rough sex. I was in a lot of pain, had bruises and scratches all over me. I won’t TMI you but it was obvious it was unprotected. I dunno how consensual it was, I don’t remember any of it. I went straight to the ER and waited to see Riley. He checked me over and thought it looked like I’d been assaulted. He put me straight on PEP, even though the early HIV test seemed clear, I still have to wait out the three months to be sure. It was just awful. All my own stupidity but still awful. I was so fucking trashed, I’d even pissed and shit myself.”
With a sigh, Liam moved his hand from Damien’s back to first nurse his head and then feather his fingers through his hair. “Fucking hell. Please tell me you didn’t just try to go through all that alone as some sort of punishment for fucking up. PEP is harsh and horrible. Was someone taking care of you? You should’ve called me.”
“Even if we were broken up? I was fucking ashamed and embarrassed. I dunno if I could’ve called you even if I wanted to. I was convinced you hated me.” Damien rested his head on Liam’s shoulder and caressed his thigh. “I mean, it was ages ago now. I don’t wanna get all emo over it but yeah… it was horrible. I stayed with Riley. He was great. He had to work, obviously, but he made sure I had everything I needed. I could barely get outta bed for weeks. About the only time I did was to piss and shower. Or when I had explosive diarrhea. Like, it anything was a public service announcement for using protection, it was the simultaneous barfing and shitting my guts out from the side effects. That’s why I really fucking feel for what Wes is going through, poor kid.”
Liam nodded, pressing his lips together with mutual sympathy. “He’s not well but he’s pushing on like a trooper. I would’ve helped you even if we were broken up, babe. I’m a doctor, I would’ve helped. We’ve both nursed each other through sickness when we were together. It wouldn’t have been anything to be embarrassed about. They’re harsh drugs. That’s the tough reality. Not on par with chemo but still harsh on the system. Do you ever think about where we would be now if we hadn’t broken up? I can’t even lie, I’ve been thinking about it a hell of a lot…” he confessed, watching the silvery trail of light from the moon on the surface of the water.
Damien felt a lot of comfort and reassurance in Liam telling him he should have called him. They couldn’t wind back the clock but it was comforting that they were getting back on track here. He wanted Liam to be the one who took care of him when he was sick for the rest of his life. “Oh, yeah. A hell of a lot. We’d be married. It’s hard to avoid thinking about with Merlin and Brandon in wedding-mode. I kinda wish we just were and none of the shit happened. I know I gotta own the fuck-ups, though.”
“Maybe we could put it right…” Liam suggested quietly, biting his lip when he turned his gaze back to Damien. The swishing of the waves on the shore was a comforting soundtrack to what was inevitably going to be an emotional conversation for them.
Damien’s gaze shot back to Liam, floored by what he was saying. Maybe it was a joke or some lighthearted teasing but he knew Liam’s tone when he was pulling the piss. He knew his telltale smirk. But he wasn’t quite convinced that wistfulness about what could’ve been or reminiscing of their good days could ever lead to back to what they had before. “Get engaged again? Are you serious?”
“Or married,” Liam murmured with a shrug. He cleared his throat and started tracking his fingertips through the sand. The disjointed roads his fingers made in the sand reminded him of the chaotic paths their relationship had taken. “If neither of us need the big white wedding thing. We could just do it, put it all right. Get back to the start…” he added, quoting The Scientist, a song they now came to associate with their relationship.
“Fuck,” fell from Damien’s lips before he could stop it, gaping at Liam. “You… really wanna marry me? Like… now? After everything?”
“I don’t have a static black and white answer to that, so I’ll just try to explain where my head’s at,” Liam explained, because he had been through so much in his life that there was just no such thing as mainstream anymore. He had to learn along the way to listen to his heart and gut. It was the only way he could deal with his depression and anxiety. “I feel like we - both of us, plural - fucked up what we had for the wrong reasons. I feel like back then, we were totally ready to settle down with each other and it’s what we both wanted. It’s what should’ve happened. That’s where we should be at now. I think our second attempt at dating after our first breakup was drowned out by trying to fix what we fucked up, which was never going to work. I’ve been thinking the more and more we spend time together that that missing link is that we just should be married. We can do-over what we did wrong. It’s not a third chance. It’s just a reset, back to factory settings, which I really feel is marriage for us. I think if we do that, it’ll be something static to fight for and it cancels out the fuck-ups. But I’ll admit, the more I think about, the less I care about an actual wedding. It’s the being married, the marriage. That’s not what it’s about. I don’t even know if I’m making sense here.”
Damien didn’t even try to pretend to himself this wouldn’t make him emotional. It would - it was - and he got teary listening to how Liam was reasoning out his thoughts. For one, he knew this was all so honest and open because Liam was well and he had been well since Damien got back to New York. Save for when he had the brief panic attack in Jersey, which was directly related to sex, always a difficult topic for Liam. He could tell how grounded Liam was by how calmly he had accepted Damien’s return and let himself be open to exploring what that meant for them, for their reunion. So, yeah, after everything they had been through, after Damien thinking Liam would never want to be in breathing space near him again, damn right he was tearing up. “Fucking hell, I never thought I’d hear you say something like that to me ever again,” he said with a teary laugh of disbelief. “Have I lost consciousness and having some really, really realistic hallucination? You really still wanna marry me? Just no wedding?”
Liam shook his head and fond smile on his lips. He flicked a little sand onto Damien’s foot. “Not no wedding. I’m not making radical ultimatums. That’s not fair and it’s not what either of us want. I’m not saying that we have to do anything one way or else we’re done. We’d have a ceremony but I’d mostly feel like it was just sealing the deal. Not that I think this is a deal. Sorry, I’ll probably keep tripping all over this because there’s no real precedent here. I just wanted to put it out there as a possibility so we can talk about it. All the shit we encountered in the past, where we went wrong, it was because we stopped talking about it. Or you tried to fill in your own gaps about what I needed rather than just talking it through. So, this time, I’m telling you that I think this is what I need and I think we could make it work. Now you can tell me what you need. And if you feel like that might be that you really want a wedding someday and rather do it traditionally, then we keep talking.”
Damien was shaking his head and moved to kneel in front of Liam on the sand, putting his fingers to Liam’s lips. “We don’t need to keep talking about this bit. We don’t. I don’t need a wedding. After these last few weeks, it’s more important to me to make sure Merlin and Brandon get theirs. But I do need a marriage… with you. It’s all I’ve ever needed since you proposed to me and I don’t think I ever stopped. Marry me? Let’s do this. I just wanna know that you’re sure.”
Liam held up a finger. “One proviso, one I know will be important to you. Talk to Merlin about this. You arced up when you found out he and Brandon had gotten engaged, not wanting them to elope or do some quick City Hall deal. We can’t do this unless you keep him 100% in the loop so he’s not blindsided as your little brother and doesn’t feel you’re trying to steal his thunder. He’s your priority here but you don’t need me to spell that bit out to you. We wouldn’t be here if he wasn’t. At the end of the day, in a few months time, we’ll still have each other… I hope.” He smiled at Damien. “But Merlin and Brandon might not. They might not have years, decades, whatever, to make their memories like I hope we do. It’s something we’d probably have to sit down with our families and explain.”
“Yeah, that is important. Fuck, I would never want him to feel like we were stealing his thunder. Or that I don’t see how important it is for them to make those memories. I’ll talk to him. So, we don’t make any decisions either way until I find out how he would feel about me getting married in the exact same way I didn’t want him to? Fucking hell, saying it out loud, it sounds nuts and I can’t be entirely convinced he wouldn’t wanna bitchslap me. Now I’m shitting myself.” Damien sat back on his haunches, biting his lip as he looked up in the distance to Brandon’s house where the lights were on in the ground floor but nothing upstairs was alight. Merlin and Brandon were probably asleep. He knew they both needed the rest while Brandon’s side effects were manageable on his chemo break days. He looked over Liam’s face. “Did I scare you out of wanting a wedding?”
“Our final decision can wait. At least the cards are on the table. It’s kind of a little nuts but we get to make our own rules. We’ve been through enough to deserve that. He’s not going to bitchslap you for talking to him. It sounds to me like that’s all he really wants from you.” Liam grabbed the front of Damien’s shirt and flopped back onto the sand, pulling Damien with him. “No, you didn’t. You’ve just got to remember I’ve had two failed engagements. I don’t want to rack up another one. It made me start realising that the wedding wasn’t so important to me anymore. It’s really just a formalized ceremony and a party anyway. We can have fun at Merlin and Brandon’s party. All the people we care about will be there.”
Damien looked up at the stars. They were lucky to have a crystal clear night. It was a little chilly by the water but nothing jackets couldn’t combat. “It’s all real heavy, huh? Like, I can get swept up in all this and feel excited as fuck that we’re even talking about getting married but I don’t want you to feel like it means I forget any of what brought us here. I’m not forgetting what my little brother is battling. Or that you and me both have stuff that goes on in our head that’s gonna give us good and bad days. But this is seriously the happiest I’ve felt in a very long time and I thought I was there when we were making love in Jersey.” He took Damien’s hand to hold. “I want my baby brother to have that same feeling for a very long time, not just months, at the most.”
Liam laced their fingers, enjoying the peacefulness of their surroundings. The sea air was helping him think and clear his head a lot. “It is heavy but I think the good outweighs the bad. At least, so far. It’s impossible to predict and outcome for Brandon but I know Lachie will be doing everything he can to find a match for Brandon. I have a feeling with Brandon’s announcement going up, numbers of potential donors will surge. They just have to be careful not to drench resources and search smarter, isolating the best options. Or they could waste time. The thing is, even if they find a match, it’s going to get harder and more terrifying once they start that process. I think having this time now, getting married, making some memories while they can, it’s been the best call for them. How did your folks take the news their baby’s getting married to guy he’s only known a few months? Do they think you’re nuts for trying to give us a third chance?”
“I’ve been reading about the stem cell transplant process, what happens to the patient. You’re right, it’s fucking terrifying. Even the first step where they put him on mass doses of chemo and radiation to fully kill the cancer and his immune system or whatever. I dunno how Merl will hold up through all that and I think it’s gonna be even harder when he has a wedding ring on his finger. But we just gotta take care of him, make sure he knows he ain’t alone for any of it. Do you think Brandon has a decent chance surviving that stuff?” Damien kicked his shoes off too, content to settle in for a little while lying on the beach with Liam. He knew later they would go to bed and make love but for now, the talking was nice and the silver lining was, it prevented Damien wanting to check Merlin and Wes were okay every five minutes.
Still, he did take his phone out and shoot Wes a quick text, just in case he needed anything. Damien’s mom had been on the phone to him the day before yesterday telling him she didn’t know what Wes was going through because Merlin told her it was private but asked him to take care of him as much as he did Merlin. “They were shocked but they understand why. I know they struggle a little with the fact Merlin’s got to be a secret and they probably worry that’ll take its toll eventually. But they know this is what Merlin wants and that Brandon makes him happy. They would never pull the overbearing parent card. My folks just aren’t like that. They want us happy. They’ve conquered a lot of their own prejudices over the years now having two LGBT+ kids. They don’t even go to church anymore. Not after how Jesse’s mother treated him when he came out. But they freaking love you, babe. They’re proud I had the balls to try again and fight for you, now I have meds and back to feeling more myself.”
“Brandon has all the odds in his favour because he was in peak fitness for his age pre-cancer. Beyond peak, even. He would have to be to do the filming he does. He also had no pre-existing medical conditions. He’s in the best position he can be. I think once he married Merlin and there’s a sturdy foundation of their relationship as he goes into the tough fight, that will help him through. That stuff can be more powerful than medicine sometimes. Liam rolled onto his side, propping his head up on his hand and slipped his other hand beneath Damien’s button-up. “Were you hospitalized over there with your dysthymia? I know you said you spent a bit of time in rehab drying out but I just realised you didn’t go into specific detail about how you were diagnosed and found meds that helped. Sometimes, it takes trial and error with antidepressants. I’ve noticed you’re a little low some mornings. Have you had a medication review since? Sorry, I’m not trying to doctor you. I just want to make sure you’re getting the best care.”
Damien nodded slowly, looking up at Liam before he pulled him down into a kiss. His lips had looked so inviting and his eyes were bright and attentive in the moonlight. He got caught up in the moment and couldn’t resist the urge to kiss him, even if they were navigating over some more deep topics. Then he closed his arms around Liam in a hug, breathing him in and basking in his warmth. “You smell amazing. I missed having you this close to me. Do you know how many times I had to avoid fragrance counters at duty free because I’d catch your cologne and feel homesick. But not for home, for you. I’m glad Brandon has Merl. I remember all the times if I was feeling shitty or sick, you would be there to hold me and take care of me. I think we were good at that stuff together when it was all going well. But, yeah, I had about a week in a psych unit. It was after rehab and when I told them in the ER I felt suicidal. It was okay. Just a little confronting, I guess. Probably not the best facility available. They strongly suggested I fly home for my health and wellbeing but I couldn’t, obviously.”
Liam suspected this might have been the case. Being British, he knew the National Health in the UK and how it worked. He left the ball in Damien’s court how much he wanted to tell him or even when he wanted to bring it up. Considering they had just decided to get married at some point, whether sooner or later, now was the time to at least put it out there that he cared about what happened, even if they had been broken up at the time. He swept Damien’s hair back from his face, brushing his thumb over his lips. “If you’d have told me that, I would’ve flown over to see you there. You’re probably not going to believe that considering things had probably started with Pax and me by then but I would’ve. Because I know how scary those places are and I know how scary it is to be diagnosed with a mental illness. I wouldn’t have wanted you over there dealing with that alone. We didn’t end on nasty terms, we just… ended.”
Damien started to get emotional hearing that and he closed his eyes, drawing in a shaky breath. But he nodded. “I do believe you. And you wanna know something? I had to have picked up the damn phone twenty… thirty times while I was in there to call you. Not just to tell you. To try to apologise and make it better somehow, I dunno. So fucking much went through my head when I was trying to get dry and then when they medicated me. I just couldn’t. I was scared to be rejected and have my heart broken all over again. I know all that was my own bed I had to lie in and stuff but I was just… just…”
“Vulnerable,” Liam murmured with an understanding nod.These conversations weren’t easy to have but they knew they would encounter these difficult waters as they reunited and got used to being in a relationship together again, being intimate, confiding the harder stuff. “Did you have anyone supporting you or helping you through. I don’t mean paid medical staff.”
“Brendan,” Damien had to remind him with a helpless shrug. “Who hasn’t returned any of my calls or texts since I told him we were getting back together. I’m absolutely fucking dreading going to work with Justin on a day he’s there. I hate it because I never wanted shit to end badly with him. I wasn’t stringing him along. I think he’s just pissed because the last we spoke, he was telling he was breaking up with Trey and maybe even blames me for shit going south with him. I dunno. He was there for me, though. He was doing work on a West End show for a few months and he came to visit me each day and then I stayed with him for a couple of weeks. It was after I was getting back on my feet that we started sleeping together.”
Liam moved back so he could sit on the sand again and coaxed Damien with him. He wrapped his arms around him with a sigh. “Well, I think overall, it’s been a fucked up experience for everyone involved. Just keep trying to reach out to him to try to apologise. That’s all you can do. He’s allowed to be pissed and need time to accept what’s happened. That said, I don’t know a hell of a lot about music other than through Scotty but as a Sound Engineer and working for both Justin’s shows and the Footloose tour, wouldn’t he be meeting with venues in the lead-up to the tour?”
Damien frowned, tilting his head. “Yeah, maybe… I didn’t think about that. Things have just been so full-on with Merlin and now Wes, I’ve been distracted. Oh, and getting things back on the right track with you,” he murmured, giving Liam another soft kiss. “I’ll be working with Justin when I get back to the City. We did a bit of work before we left for here but it was only looking at setlists and shit. I was so freaking excited about the tour but now I’m just nervous. Stressed, even. About leaving Merlin and Wes. Leaving you,” he added, shaking his head.
“Are you saying you don’t want to do it anymore? If you’re wavering, you should tell Justin and his team ASAP. But practically, love, Justin’s only doing one show per city and it’s not every state. There’ll be gaps between each place too, so he can rest. You can fly home after each show or every second show, something like that. We’ll all make sure Merlin and Wes are taken care of. This is a massive opportunity for a career, love. It could very realistically earn you a recording contract. That’s the first thing you told me when you told me Justin scouted you to be his supporting act. Don’t let your head get in the way,” Liam insisted, rubbing Damien’s arm.
“Jesus fuck no. I want it more than fucking anything. Probably just as much as I wanna finally swear to you we’ll be in this for better or worse. It ain’t just having the chance to be his supporting act. His entire team network are awesome. All the professionals he works with, I’ll get a chance to experience that. I don’t wanna toss away my dream right when someone’s handing me the route in on a silver platter.” Damien closed his eyes and hung his head, trying to swallow away the lump of emotion creeping into his throat. “I’m scared Brandon’s gonna die and I won’t be here for Merlin when he needs me more than he ever has his whole life. I’ve been talking to my folks and we dunno how we’re gonna get him through if Brandon doesn’t make it.”
A sad frown crept to Liam’s face and he rubbed little circles to Damien’s back as he listened. “You’re going on a US tour, love, not being deployed to the Middle East in the military. You know if something happens, Justin’s team are going to let you be on the next flight home. Merlin’s part of their family, they’re more than aware of the precariousness of the situation. Sasha’s best friend passed from leukemia. No one is going to stop you getting back to your brother if he needs you. You can’t let your head sabotage this. You know you need to do it, even if it’ll be hard. And you’re going to love every fucking minute of it.”
Damien turned his gaze to Liam. “If you get some days off in a row that crossover with the tour dates, will you fly out to see the show wherever we are? I’m gonna miss you. I don’t want me being away to fuck up the leeway we’re making this time. That worries me just as much as everything else too. What if this’ll only work if we can have the time together to keep working on it?”
“Of course I fucking will. Just try to stop me,” Liam promised, resting his head against Damien’s as they sat there cuddled up close, working through more of this groundwork to get their relationship right this time. “I know we’ve put a lot of emphasis on the need to have physical time together to really work on getting back on track and succeeding this time but at the end of the day, I still work crazy hours so me being on-call at the hospital for thirty-two hours or whatever isn’t any different to you going away to work. We’re not going to let work drive a wedge. We’ve been through too much for something minute as that to shake our foundations. There’s Skype and Facetime too. We’ll be fine. We just need to stay mindful and we need to keep communicating, love. Especially the tough stuff. I want to know if you’re having a bad day or struggling so I can support you. I promise I’ll tell you the same.”
Damien couldn’t keep his hands off Liam. Not in a sense he had a constant urge to tear Liam’s clothes off and throw him onto the nearest flat surface. That had never been what they were about. Damien loved sex, there was no doubt about that. But he had always known Liam was a rape survivor so nothing about their relationship had ever been based on sex. It was just something they had the luxury of when Liam was well and they could make love without stressing him. It was more that he just wanted to feel Liam close. He wanted to hold his hand, spoon him, caress him with tender little touches, sit pressed up beside him, snuggle while they watched TV… all that stuff was what he missed the most. He was stroking Liam’s thigh, fingertips mapping out parts of Liam’s body just because he could. “Have you spoken to Paxton? I didn’t know if this was a subject I should raise or not. If you’re not comfortable with me talking about him, it’s cool. I totally respect that. I’m just rooting for you guys. I don’t want to see you lose a lifelong friendship because I know how important he is to you.”
For Liam, it wasn’t an off-limits topic. “We’ve been emailing and working through it. He said he had a feeling if you ever came into the picture again and wanted to put things right that I’d probably get back together with you. That’s the thing about Pax and me, love. I’ve told him everything and always have. This distance between us has been hard. But he knows everything I went through when our relationship was so rocky. I think he and I are going to be fine once he gets back to NYC and we have the chance to talk. We still have to work through the cheating thing before we even get to my decision to reunite with you. That’s the thing. At the end of the day, he still cheated so he and I probably wouldn’t have given dating another chance anyway. It’s too important to focus of mending our friendship going forward. We still need each other a lot.”
Damien knew there was a lot of water under the bridge with them. “Everyone’s gonna think we’re nuts for thinking about getting married, you know. I thought Merl was a lil’ bit nuts when he dropped the bomb that Brandon was his fiancé. I nearly fell off the freaking chair. I didn’t know if his lack of meds had just pushed him over the edge or something. But now, I get it. I really do. The more I think about it, the more I get it. The thing is, it’s easy to be concerned Brandon’s nearing the end but there’s still a chance he’ll live. If he does, they’re married. What do they do then? Get a divorce and go back to a normal relationship timeline?”
“What’s a ‘normal relationship timeline’, thought?” Liam asked with a shrug. He knew Damien could be a chronic overthinker at times. They both shared that trait. But where Liam’s was more trauma-related resulting from his PTSD, Damien always tried to reason things out so he could understand where all the cookies were crumbling. He had to learn the hard way that trying to look too far into the future could cause more problems than they were dealing with in the present. Things didn’t always work out how you anticipated. “I think they’re both really conscious they’d be still married if Brandon goes into remission. It’s probably a big part of why they decided to do it. I don’t think their decision was made naively. But you should talk to Merlin about this. Ask him. He’ll talk to you about it. It’s just been a tough couple of days. Get him when he’s feeling better. He’s got his meds, he’ll be working through his emotions with Brandon. I think you need to sit down with him and just chat so you get better insight into his thought processes. You have to remember he’s in a state of pseudo-grief for Brandon already. He’s grieving someone who is still living and breathing in his arms. Nothing can stop that. It’s just one of the awful things that comes with cancer. You can’t switch off the what-ifs and you can’t delude yourself that it’s all going to be okay either.”
Liam was giving Damien a lot to think about. He gave Liam a soft smile born of the helplessness he felt over helping Merlin. “I think a big part of it is just not wanting to let go of the fact my baby brother is an adult now. But he is and he’s fucking nailing it. Still blows my mind he got Brandon. I’m happy for him, just… in a way that makes me wanna fucking cry because it hurts.”
Liam tightened his cuddle and nuzzled Damien’s temple. “I know, love. And you’ve just got to feel it. There’s nothing that will really take it away. Just champion the happy parts because that’s what they’re trying to do. And look at it this way, in the next couple of weeks, you’re going to be Brandon Blake’s brother-in-law.”
“Damn, when you put it like that,” Damien laughed, turning his head so their lips could meet in a slowly kiss neither were in a hurry to cut short. “Wanna head back to the house? I wanna take you bed so freaking bad.”
Liam smiled and pushed himself up on his knees, offering Damien his hand to get up off the sand. “Yeah, let’s go to bed. We’re going to conveniently steer you directly past Merlin and Brandon’s room and let them sleep, aren’t we?” he said pointedly, brushing the sand from his jeans once he stood up.
“Reluctantly,” Damien agreed, laughing at the knowing smile Liam was giving him. Once they were standing, he stepped up to Liam, putting his hands on Liam’s hips. “I love you so much. If only I let you talk me down all those times I fucked us up in the past.”
“Third time lucky,” Liam murmured, giving Damien a wink.
LOG, COMPLETE