Brandon Blake (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
signofthetimes) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
dreamlikenewyork2019-05-17 03:07 am
signofthetimes) wrote in dreamlikenewyork2019-05-17 03:07 am
Entry tags:
- [character] brandon blake,
- [character] damien larson,
- [character] jace hartley,
- [character] jesse hartley,
- [character] liam morgan,
- [character] merlin blake,
- [character] noah fitzpatrick,
- [character] wesley knight,
- [scene] rp,
- [ship] jesse/jace,
- [ship] liam/damien,
- [ship] merlin/brandon,
- [ship] noah/wesley
"Just touch my cheek before you leave me, baby."
Who: Brandon Blake and Merlin Larson with Wesley Knight, Noah Fitzpatrick, Jesse Hartley, Jace Hartley, Damien Larson, and Liam Morgan
What: Karaoke reality checks
Where: Cape Cod, MA
When: After this
“Dude, I can’t believe you can just walk around here and no one even notices you,” Wesley said to Brandon as he walked hand-in-hand with Noah by Brandon and Merlin.
They were wandering down a quaint little street in the town, trying to find a place to eat. Or at least a place those who could eat could order food and those who felt sick at the thought of it - Brandon and Wesley - could just chill, like a bar or something. Liam and Damien were trailing behind them with Jesse and Jace, letting the younger of the pack decide where they wanted to go. They couldn’t go too far because Brandon didn’t have the strength to walk very far but he was managing the slow pace and he seemed to be feeling okay. He and Merlin had their arms around each other and people were passing by Brandon without even a second glance. Granted, the fact he had covered his hair in a bandana, had the hood up on his hoodie and was wearing reading glasses probably threw the scent off.
Brandon shrugged, smirking. “Well, the ones who don’t believe I’m dead already probably aren’t looking for me. No one knows I own property here. I’ve never made it public knowledge. That’s why I love it here. It’s easy to blend in, especially holding hands with another guy,” he said, giving a sweeping gesture with his hand.
“Whoa, wait - hold on!” Damien came up beside Brandon and grabbed the hand he was just waving. “Do I spy with my little eye a fucking impressive rock? When did this no-so-little deal-sealer appear, hm?” He gave Merlin a grin, wondering how his baby brother found the time to ring shop in the wake of him and Brandon mutually deciding to get married. Merlin told them there hadn’t really been any official proposal, so there hadn’t been a pre-planned engagement ring. Now there was one and it was one of the coolest rings Damien had seen. Second only to the custom engagement ring Liam had made for him out of one of his guitar strings and equal to Jace’s diamond and mystic topaz engagement ring and Justin’s ring with sheet music of his and Sasha’s song engraved on it. This style was so Brandon. He pulled Brandon into a smoosh-hug. “Holy fuck, my baby brother’s getting married!”
Now Wesley was taking Brandon’s hand for a look. “Shit, how did I miss this? Daaaaaamn, it’s really happening. Look, I get to be Best Man to the dude who has this taste in jewellery, bitches.” He tugged on Brandon’s hand so Noah could have a look too.
“Jesus, guys, you know my arm is actually attached to me, right?” Brandon laughed but he let them all have a look at what Merlin gifted him the evening before on the beach when they went to watch the sunset together. It had bowled him over because they hadn’t been doing anything the traditional way. There didn’t seem to be a need for an engagement ring but now he had it, he didn’t want it any other way. Everytime he looked at it or felt it on his finger, he got this burst of love for how big Merlin’s heart was, wanting him to at least have a little bit of traditional in the way they decided to get married. Everything else was beholding to the leukemia so Merlin took back control of this one little thing and Brandon thought he was incredible for it.
Merlin laughed too, snorting in amusement as he returned Damien’s hug. “What, y’all have known me since forever and you really thought I wouldn’t do something like this? Pfft, amatuers. I gave it to him last night. I didn’t see why we had to forego an engagement ring just because he’s sick. Oooo, look! Karaoke! Let’s go there!” He grinned, pointing to a bar a couple of doors up with a chalkboard out the front advertising their Karaoke night. Whoever wanted to eat could get food and anyone who didn’t could enjoy the entertainment… or not. He had to admit, he had witnessed some horrific Karaoke in his time. He had been spoiled by Justin’s mic-hogging at their chillout Karaoke nights with the squad. They had some great singers in their midst and those who weren’t so good hammed it up enough for it to still be awesome and fun.
“Yeah, I’m in!” Jace agreed, bouncing up and down beside Jesse when they were taking their turn checking out Brandon’s engagement ring. Jace, personally, hadn’t spent a lot of time with Brandon because so much had been going on but they had a cuppa together after lunch and they got to know each other a little. But he hadn’t even noticed the ring then because Brandon was doing the sweater-paws thing because he had felt the chill of the sea air on the deck. “Not that I sing but I love laughing at people who think they can and can’t,” he added, smirking.
Brandon’s eyebrows shot up at Merlin’s enthusiasm. “You’ll sing? Seriously? I didn’t realise you sang, I thought you just danced and acted. Wait, that sounds reductive, sorry. That’s not what I mean. I just didn’t think you sang in Footloose.” He was trying his hardest not to get turned on by the thought of hearing Merlin sing.
“Merl’s a Karaoke boss,” Wesley informed him proudly, giving Merlin a little nudge with his shoulder. “Seriously, he sings incredibly. He was the lead in three musicals in high school.”
Merlin blushed. “Jeezus, I don’t think I’m that good. Y’all have seen who my co-star is. A trained singer, though? Yeah. I wouldn’t have gotten the job if I couldn’t sing because the final rounds of auditions were one-on-one with Justin. Like, I seriously slept for two days after it, it was that full-on.”
“Looks like you’ll have to put your money where Wesley’s mouth is, baby bro,” Damien said, smirking as he wrapped his arm around Merlin’s shoulders and led him to the bar. It was a far-sized place and Karaoke night must be a good money-spinner for them because almost all tables were taken. He wondered what Brandon’s chances of being recognised here were but when they were seated, he was wedged into the large booth between Merlin and Wes. The blending in thing would probably still work.
Brandon accepted the menu he was passed, pulling the bandana a little more down over his forehead. He definitely wouldn’t be contributing to the Karaoke that night because it would blow his cover. He barely skimmed the menu before he put it aside. He had zero appetite and he knew if he even tried to tackle a meal, he would just throw it all up again. He woke up headachy and nauseous that morning, spending some time keeping the toilet bowl company, so he conceded defeat and went back to bed for a few hours while Merlin hung out with Damien and Jesse. When he woke up around lunch time, he was doing much better. Better to the point of waking up with Merlin spooning him led to them making love with a fully-compliant body so he could hardly complain. He always got a boost of feeling wellness after they had sex but a lot of that was probably just emotional fulfilment.
“You don’t have to eat, darlin’. Just order some tea,” Merlin suggested, pushing Brandon’s menu away out of sight. He was conscious of Brandon’s bad morning but they definitely did have that upswing once he got a little more sleep. His chemo-break days were really precious time when he could manage through the side effects a little better so they had to cherish them. “Are you gonna be okay being around the meals when they come out? They all sound pretty heavy.”
There was a girl up at the Karaoke mic singing a P!nk song and she had a great edgy voice. Brandon thought it was nice to just chill out a little with Merlin and his family. He nodded and patted Merlin’s thigh beneath the table. “I’m good. Don’t stress.”
Merlin wasn’t fully convinced of Brandon’s words but he always had that underlying protectiveness for him, wanting to make sure he didn’t suffer if he didn’t have to. The eight of them sat and chatted about some aimless topics while they decided what to order and listened to the people who had the courage to get up and take the Karaoke mic. Merlin ordered the chicken club sandwich with extra salad on the side. Sometimes Brandon might nibble on veggies if he had an iota of an appetite. He had pretty much eliminated meat unintentionally because it was too heavy for his stomach. He really wanted to give Brandon a kiss and a cuddle but in a busy bar like this, it was impossible to predict if anyone might see beyond Brandon’s hoodie and glasses and snap pics of them on their phone. This was one of those moments where the sting of Brandon’s closeting set in.
“Alright, baby bro. If I get up first, will you go up and sing for your man? You know he wants you to,” Damien bargained with Merlin, reaching over to offer to shake on the deal.
“I second that!” Wesley jumped in. He had been watching Brandon and Merlin for the last few minutes and they were all heart-eyes and protective gazes at each other. It really must be hard for them not to be able to publicly display affection in public areas. Noah was sitting with his arm draped around Wesley’s shoulders while they waited for the meals to come out, like it was the most natural thing in the world, and they had barely started dating. Merlin and Brandon were engaged and they couldn’t even hold hands while they sat next to each other.
Merlin scrunched up his nose, giving a self-conscious shrug. “Seriously?” He did know how much it meant to Brandon to see him do his thing, though. He still hadn’t quite worked out how to pull that off whilst juggling everything else but he planned to talk to Justin about it when they got back to New York.
Brandon laughed, shaking his head. “You don’t have to, sweetheart. If you don’t want to, I’ll live.” As soon as the words were out of his mouth, though, the impact of them hit him and he shifted awkwardly in his seat. He picked his ice water up for a long sip to soothe the sting of them.
Merlin reached over and shook Damien’s hand. “Alright then. Let’s go.” He nudged Wes to slide out of the booth so he could join Damien heading up to the dude organising the Karaoke volunteers. He had no idea what the hell he was going to sing and was even more overwhelmed with the lengthy catalogue when a copy was placed in his hands to flip through. Especially since Damien was going to ditch the Karaoke machine to borrow one of the musician’s acoustic guitars and took the mic freestyle instead. As is his prerogative being a musician who just finished an indi tour of Europe. When Damien gave Liam a smile across the room and started singing a cover of Show Me Heaven, Merlin knew the significance. It was a song Liam sung to Damien at Luke’s bar in the early days of their initial relationship and pretty much sealed the deal for them. For one, Damien hadn’t known Liam could sing (not that he ever had aspirations to do it professionally), and two, it was probably about the moment Damien’s dick decided there would never be another as worthy for it than Liam’s. If there were two people Merlin was rooting for in this world to find something akin to a happily ever after - with undoubted challenges - it was Damien and Liam.
Listening to Damien sing to Liam was so special for Merlin and it distracted him from the fact he was supposed to be preparing to take the mic after Damien. He was swaying to the song, shooting Liam proud as fuck little brother looks. There was something about the way Liam was looking at Damien but he couldn’t put his finger on what it was. Something huge, though. Was that the way he looked at Brandon? Probably something like it. What was also hitting Merlin here was how much Damien had grown as a musician. He had asked Justin why he chose Damien to be his supporting act out of basically a fuckton of options and Justin told him he saw Damien play in London when he was over there. Now he knew why.
When Damien finished, Liam was the first person out of his seat applauding him but Merlin was just as enthusiastic at the side of the stage, completely forgetting he was up next. “What song, dude?”
Merlin did a double-take at the guy standing there with his iPad, nodding expectantly at the song catalogue Merlin had tucked under his arm to applaud his brother’s song and watching some guy in a suit approach Damien as he handed the guitar back and stepped off the stage with a encouraging pat to Merlin’s shoulder as he passed. “O-Oh, um… sorry…” He fanned through the catalogue, feeling like he was being put on the spot. Nothing seemed worthy enough and he was suddenly nervous as all hell. The stage fright was setting in and so was the watery mouth. If he didn’t just get up there, he was going to puke so he quickly pointed to Angel in the Morning in the catalogue and got up to take the Karaoke mic.
Merlin’s hands were shaky and his voice wavered when he first started to sing, the lyrics flashing up on the screen off to his right. He got through the first verse but it was far from confident singing. He was suddenly realising he couldn’t look at Brandon while he was up there trying to get the lyrics out. He took the mic away from his mouth before he even got to the first chorus and his throat started to feel restricted. He took a deep breath, wetting his lips before he moved into the chorus.
Just call me angel of the morning, (angel)
Just touch my cheek before you leave me, baby
Just call me angel of the morning, (angel)
Then slowly turn away from me
Wesley saw the exact moment early in the song where Merlin’s nerves turned into the slippery slope of emotions. He knew Merlin well enough to know when he just wasn’t okay. “Oh, no,” he murmured, going to pull himself out of the booth to go help him but Damien caught his arm to stop him, giving him a little shake of his head. Damien was right, Merlin was trying to do this for Brandon the best he could, no matter how hard it was. Wesley let his butt drop back into the booth, even if he was starting to feel teary himself seeing Merlin’s emotions so raw and on display here.
Merlin couldn’t stop it. The words made him tear up and his voice got even more shaky but he did his best to try to push through the next verse, the words swimming on the screen as he blinked away the tears trying to win out here. Shaking his head a little, he regained just a sliver of composure but he knew if he looked in Brandon’s direction, he was going to lose his shit in front of all these people. A couple of tears escaped and slid down his cheek. He had to ignore them. He just had to fucking get through this so Brandon at least had a memory of hearing him sing.
Maybe the sun's light will be dim
And it won't matter anyhow
If morning's echo says we've sinned
It was what I wanted now
And if we're victims of the night
I won't be blinded by the light
The last words hitched and he made the mistake of glancing up and caught sight of Brandon’s face in the booth. Everything just hit him in a rush, emotions flooding him before he could deflect any of it. The song was making him think things he had been trying his best to hold off any which way he could manage it. Then the song veered straight into the chorus and it was too quick and the lyrics crushed something inside him.
Just call me angel of the morning, (angel)
Just touch my cheek before you leave me, baby--
“I-I’m sorry… I… I c-can’t--” That was when he broke down completely. He released the vice-like grip around the mic which had his his knuckles aching with pain, it was so tight and dropped it, bolting off the stage to run out of the bar.
Noah quickly grabbed Wesley’s arm as soon as Merlin lost his footing and ran. On the other side of the booth, Brandon was already fighting his way off the bench seat to go after him. “C’mon!” Noah pulled him out of the booth and ran up to the stage, picking up the mic and resuming the song for Merlin, barely missing a few beats. He put his arm around Wesley’s waist and coaxed him to sing with him. The least they could do to help was make sure Merlin’s song wasn’t a lost cause because he couldn’t finish it. Back in the booth, Jesse, Jace, Damien, and Liam all stood up and cheered them on, starting to sing along to the rest of the chorus with them.
Merlin could still hear the song as fought his way through the crowd to find the exit, bumping into people because he couldn’t see where he was going through the tears. Not even just tears, these were sobs that had taken over his entire body and he didn’t know where it came from. It hit so quick, it was like being punched in the face and the gut all at the same time. He knew he made it outside when the cold air engulfed him but he didn’t get too far before he hit a fence or a barrier, banging his knees. He leaned over, burying his face in his elbow and let the sobbing win out.
“Merlin, baby… hey, it’s okay. I’m here. I’ve got you.” Brandon came up beside Merlin, wrapping his arms around him. He stroked his fingers through Merlin’s hair and kissed his head, feeling awful for pushing him to perform. He caught himself on that train of thought, though. He knew he didn’t push him, that wasn’t what this was about. Merlin was upset because he was overwhelmed whenever he had to face thinking about Brandon dying. That wasn’t an overwhelmed you could just dial yourself back from, tell yourself to calm down. Brandon learned that the hard way. The downside of accepting reality and trying to make the most of the time they had left was was acceptance took time too. Just because you wanted it, didn’t mean it just happened. Nothing in life worth having was like that.
Merlin couldn’t even get words out at first. He could barely get air in or out. He felt for Brandon’s hand and gripped hold of it and would only realise later that it was painful for him because Brandon didn’t let on. Not while Merlin was in tears. “I-I… c-can’t… I… I can’t… say goodbye. I don’t… don’t wanna say--” More sobs took over when even trying to just explain what his feeling was impossible. He couldn’t get the words out and he wasn’t even sure what words he was trying to get to work. Brandon was right beside him, he could feel his warmth and the secure pressure of the hug against his side, but it did nothing to reassure Merlin this would be okay. It only made him fear more that sooner rather than later, he would have to wake up one morning and Brandon no longer had a heartbeat. That thought triggered an absolute panic shooting through him and he started to feel like he couldn’t breathe.
Just as Brandon noticed Merlin seemed to be hyperventilating through his tears, Merlin retched and put a hand up to his mouth. All that did was make a mess when he threw up after working himself up too much to pull himself back. Brandon caught his arm to hold it away so Merlin didn’t accidentally try to touch his face. “Aw, sweetheart.” He combed Merlin’s hair back off his face and massaged his back with some little soft circles. “It’s okay. I’m here. I’m still here…”
By the time he was done, Merlin was emotionally feeling like he was hit by a bus but he suspected being hit by a bus might be less painful than the confronting reality the person you were so in love with, it hurt, could die in a matter of months and there wasn’t a single thing you could do to try to prevent it. “I think I feel a bit better now,” he murmured with a cough, trying to catch his breath while he was still leant over, hands braced on his knees.
“Yeah, I don’t know what you had to eat earlier, baby, but from the looks of it, I’m not surprised you feel a bit better getting it out of your system. Did you throw a party while I was napping?” Brandon asked, smoothing Merlin’s hair back from his sweaty face. He took some some Kleenex from the little pack in his pocket he always kept on him and patted away some of Merlin’s tears and wiped his mouth for him.
Merlin pushed himself up but he was a little lightheaded and needed to use Brandon to steady himself. “Yeah, I… we raided the kitchen and…” He couldn’t finished but it wasn’t important. His face crumbled and he dissolved into tears again, though not the hysterical sobbing he had been doing a few minutes ago. It was more in the realms of hopeless weeping than anything else. He buried his face in against Brandon’s shoulders, wrapping his arms around Brandon’s waist, forgetting what a mess he’d made of his hand and the front of his shirt when the need to throw up had hit him without warning when he was starting to feel like he couldn’t breathe.
Brandon returned the embrace, closing his eyes as he rested his cheek to Merlin’s head. “I would do anything to make this easier for you, baby. I want to promise you the world and right up on top of that list would be promising you I’ll make it through this. I would if I could. But you know what? You don’t have to be okay. Because I’m not. I don’t want to say goodbye to you either but, baby, if the time comes, we have to. Don’t let me go without saying goodbye.”
“I don’t wanna do this. I don’t wanna be here.” Merlin pulled away and went to wipe his eyes but realised he had made a mess of himself. It really didn’t help his current tearful state. It made him want to curl up in a ball right there on the spot because everything felt hard, even clearly conveying his feelings. He didn’t know if it was tiredness or feeling like these last couple of weeks had been emotional whiplash but every time he attempted to get more words out, the tears just kept coming. It was hardly New York-level busy here in this little Cape Cod town but he felt like a bug under a microscope and the fact he couldn’t stop his tears and he had sick on his shirt was making him feel worse. The evening had started out so well, so the derailing was confusing.
“Be here with me? Do this relationship?” Brandon felt bad having to ask for that clarification out loud but Merlin was inconsolable and an inner anxiety was building when Merlin avoided what he just said about saying goodbye. But he could school himself quickly enough to realise it was probably just Merlin’s emotions making it difficult to communicate. Just the day before, he re-proposed to Brandon and gave him the beautiful ring, which he was proudly showing his family before they went into the Karaoke bar. Nothing but an emotionally-triggering song had happened to change that. Just not quite quick enough to stop himself causing another wave of Merlin’s tears and he felt like a cunt for it.
Merlin had driven Brandon’s SVU into town with Noah and Wes in the back. Liam drove one of the other cars with the rest of them. Brandon gave Merlin a little pat-down, trying to find which pocket the keys were stashed in. “Let’s go back to the house, baby. I think we need a little time alone together.” The last thing he wanted was Merlin getting himself worked up into another panic attack but he was pretty sure he could ask any of his doctors about the impact of all-but terminal cancer on loved ones and anxiety or panic attacks about the impending doom of possible death rapidly dawning on them wouldn’t be unusual. He put his arm around Merlin again, rubbing his shoulder while he steered him back in the direction they parked just a little bit back. As much as he didn’t want the fact advertised, Brandon needed a disability parking permit in any event he didn’t have access to VIP drivers. He was trying to fly under the radar here, so he couldn’t exactly get out of a chauffeur-driven limo in a town this size. With the medication he was on, he couldn’t drive far either but he would be able to get back to the beach house fine. He dug his phone from his pocket, shooting a quick text to Damien and Jesse.
Taking Merlin back to the house. He’s so upset, he’s made himself sick. Don’t worry, I’m taking good care of him. I think we need a little alone time.
It was only around ten minutes on the road before they made it back to the beach house. Merlin was starting to calm down a little but the weepiness seemed to have set in for the long haul. “We’re going to take a bubble bath, okay? Put some candles on, switch out the lights. We can just hold each other.” One thing Brandon had in all his properties were large baths. He found warm baths soothing and spent a lot of time stewing away on things in them over the years. Now he had a partner, he applauded his design tastes because the tubs were big enough that no one needed to be squashed to soak in them together. He could just clean Merlin up. Wipe his face and his hands, help him change his vomit-splashed shirt. That wouldn’t be soothing or recalibrate Merlin’s frayed emotions.
The bath was about half full by the time Merlin found his voice again and the tears finally stopped. He was sitting on the closed toilet lid with wads of toilet paper shredded between his fingers, watching Brandon prepare the bath. Brandon had already discreetly gotten Merlin out of his soiled button-up and came over to crouch in front of him with a warm damp cloth to wipe his face with lingering soothing pats. “I really wanted to be okay singing for you.”
Brandon gave him a soft faint smile, nodding. “I know you did, sweetheart. And I really think you were, at least at first. This hit so quick. I’m sorry I got upset yesterday about it all and made you feel pressured to give me something. I’m trying to take the high road with all this, make the right noises about time running out and accepting the reality but if I’m honest, I really don’t want to fucking die. It scares me that I might. I know the cancer might not be in your veins, but I’m in your heart and that’s exactly the same thing. I think you have a beautiful voice.” He threaded his fingers through Merlin’s hair, letting the curls spiral his thumb. “Just when I think it’s impossible to fall any more in love with you, you just go, challenge accepted.”
“Even with ugly crying and making myself sick?” Merlin rested his head on Brandon’s shoulder, exhaling heavily. He closed his arms around Brandon, knowing the only way to drag themselves through yet another emotional explosion was resuming the intimate closeness and togetherness. “You know the whole let’s have a wedding and make memories thing? Way fucking harder than I could’ve known. I dunno if I’m gonna make it through. What if I can’t stop crying on the day? I think I had a legit panic attack about you dying. In a Karaoke bar. I dunno if I can make it through a wedding looking semi-human.”
Brandon rubbed Merlin’s knee, pressing his lips together through a resolute sigh. “I actually think it’s beautiful crying. I don’t think anyone who loves us would expect us to get through the day looking Vogue Brides-ready. It’s not about being or looking perfect. It’s not even about the wedding. I’m so worried about what I’m doing to you…” he had to finally admit, his voice dropping as he took Merlin’s hand. He lowered his gaze to their hands, brushing his thumb softly back and forth over his knuckles.
Merlin shook his head, cupping Brandon’s face in his hands. “You aren’t doing anything to me. You’re sick and that’s not your fault. I know what you’re meaning here. You think if we weren’t dating, it wouldn’t be happening. You wouldn’t be hurting anyone. But fuck that. We are. I’m just not as indestructible as I wish I could be. I have this sick knot in my gut that doesn’t seem to wanna go away. It’s getting worse because time’s running out. Losing you is feeling more and more real. And I feel sick.”
Brandon bit his lip, turning his cheek into Merlin’s hand and closing his eyes while he enjoyed the soft touches. “I’m worried I’m making you sick, baby. What can I do to help? I’m serious here. I’m so worried. Will you at least see a doctor when we get back? Just for a check up.”
“I don’t need to. It’s just stress, that’s all. But if it’ll give you peace of mind… okay. I’ll make an appointment with the doctor when we get back. I just haven’t been sleeping very well. Sleep seems like…” Instead of finishing that thought, Merlin scrunched his face up and slowly scratched his forehead. “Better get the bath or it’ll overflow when we both get in.”
Brandon gave Merlin a lingering gaze but instead of saying anything, he nodded and used Merlin as a brace to pull himself up to shut the taps off. The water was a perfect temperature, just a small amount of bubbles and some essential oils that were supposed to be good for sensitive skin chemo caused. He stepped out of his boxers and peeled his tank top off, then stepped into the bath and waited for Merlin to join him. As soon as they were immersed in the water, he pulled Merlin close to him and held him. “Stress can make people sick. I just want to make sure you’re okay. Maybe we can try some of those sex therapy things tonight. It might help you relax to sleep. I know why you can’t, baby. You don’t talk to me about that stuff though. You bottle it all up because you think it’ll upset me.”
Merlin closed his eyes, taking a few moments to breathe through his raw emotions. He was still fragile and shaky from the Karaoke breakdown. “Okay, I worry you won’t wake up sometimes. I have bad dreams some nights too. It ain’t every night. It’s just, like, patches of days where it all gets too much. And I know, maybe I could see about getting something to help me sleep when it gets bad but I don’t want that. I wanna be able to wake up if you need me in the middle of the night. Because you do sometimes. You just do. You get sick, you get nosebleeds, you have bad pain where you can’t even make it to the bathroom alone sometimes. Sometimes, you need to get there urgently too. So, I ain’t taking sleeping pills. I’m only bottling because it will upset you and I want some of this to be good. When we’re good, we’re really good.”
“I’m not allowed to be upset that you’re hurting? That’s not fair, sweetheart. Don’t you get upset when I’m hurting? You’re pulling back on this stuff with me the more ill I get. Then it explodes like this tonight or like you did when weren’t medicated. I realised just how much you were bottling up when had no filter and it was all pouring out of you. It’s just been more tonight. Can you just promise me to try to keep talking to me about how you’re coping? Or not coping, even.” Brandon nuzzled Merlin’s temple and kissed his cheek. He softly scooped the water with his hand and let it trickle through his fingers to Merlin’s chest. “Or if you can’t talk to me, talk to Wes, or Damien and Jesse. Anyone. Just don’t hold it all inside.”
Merlin sighed, eyes closed as he focused on Brandon’s tender touches and kisses. Beneath the bubbles, he caressed Brandon’s stomach. “If it’s any consolation, I don’t realise I’m doing it. Which I realise is probably no fucking help at all. I’m not consciously holding things back from you. These… explosions hit me outta the blue too. I guess I don’t always know I ain’t coping until it’s making me lose my shit. It probably wouldn’t be as bad if I could sleep better.”
Brandon kissed Merlin’s head. “I understand, baby. There’s nothing black and white about any of this. No easy solution or any shit like that,” he murmured, pulling back a little so he could see Merlin’s face. They lay there together amongst the bubbles, gazing at each other in the dim candlelight. “Maybe you need to concede defeat on a normal sleep pattern like I’ve had to? Sleep when you feel sleepy. I can pay to have a nurse on hand maybe every second day. Would that ease some of the stress trying to be switched on for me all the time? Maybe we can get you something like melatonin to help. It’s natural, you’ll be able to rouse from it if you need to.”
Merlin nodded, humming softly in agreement. Brandon looked beautiful in this light. He lifted his hand to Brandon’s head, playing with his hair. Having this private and intimate time together in a relaxing bath was soothing. He could feel his anxiety starting to trickle away. “That might help, yeah. I… it hurts knowing you’re worsening to the point I can’t juggle it more on my own. I’m sorry but that just… hurts. I thought I could do this but I’m tired all the time and my gut is all twisted up and sore on the bad days because I feel like I’m failing you. I know I’m not. I need my head to shut up on that stuff.”
“Merlin, sweetheart, I knew I would get here. I mean, I hoped chemo might slow it down. I really did. I deluded myself with that. You do so much for me and I wouldn’t want it any other way. I want you right there at my side through all of this. You’re my Number One, okay? But not to the sacrifice of your health and wellbeing. We’re seeing those signs so we need to find ways to tackle it. That’s all. I’m not going to hire help to take over. Just for back-up. Then on the days you’re not holding up so well, you can rest. Does that sound okay? Maybe Jesse or Liam could suggest someone they know. I’m happy to take recommendations. I’m getting teary myself now, shit.” Brandon wiped his hands at his eyes, trying to push it away.
Merlin caught Brandon’s hand, taking it away from his face. “Maybe we’ll feel better if we have a cry together. It’s not like it hasn’t helped before, right? I wanna make love but I dunno if I’m in the right headspace right now. Fuck cancer. Fucking hell…” He somehow managed to get a little closer in the tub, wrapping his arms around Brandon’s waist, tucking his face into Brandon’s neck.
“Shh, let’s just try to relax. I don’t want you getting worked up again. C’mon, not much else can beat a cuddle, bubbles, and naked, right? We don’t have to think about anything else right now. I don’t want you getting a migraine. Don’t forget, we’ve still got to think about wedding plans. Now that you’ve asked me twice, we can’t avoid that, you know. You know, I’m really freaking clueless about anything to do with weddings. I’ve hardly even been to many. Invited to more than I can count but only actually rocked up to a handful and all they involved were how much cash could be splashed around to look good in People magazine. Let’s not do anything like that,” Brandon quickly added, focusing on rubbing his hands up and down Merlin’s back, trying to help him de-stress.
“Are you telling me that you don’t make it your life’s blood to turn up to all the societal weddings in couture to get paid off when you tag them on your billion Instagram wedding selfies? Never! Doing fame wrong, darlin’.” Merlin even managed to smirk at this. Before he knew Brandon personally, he probably would have assumed he was one of those A-List party types. What he knew now was that Brandon did the bare-minimum A-List anything. Even if they had gone public about their relationship and their wedding, it wouldn’t be your typical celebrity BS. “I feel tired thinking about it. I think the things I care most about would be having my family and friends there, our vows, and our rings. And an excellent photographer and videographer. Memories. Wait… can we have anything?”
Brandon snorted and grabbed the rolled up facecloth to wet in the water. “I would literally rather string myself up by my ballsack and a fish hook than make a habit of attending celebrity weddings. I also won’t have a single regret not inviting anyone who isn’t personally special to me as a guest. Ever. Even when we come out together down the track if we ever get that chance. Which is probably going to sound hypocritical when I shamelessly lean on my fame here and say, yeah, my beautiful man can have anything he wants for our wedding, I don’t give a fuck what it is. If you want it, we can have it. Money really is no issue.” He offered Merlin the cloth if he wanted to wash his face.
“Well, then, I totally want gold toilets like Eddie Murphy has in Coming to America and Queen as our wedding band.” Merlin lifted his head, giving Brandon a smile with his joking outlandish requests. He took the cloth but didn’t think much about his face. He squeezed some of the warm water onto Brandon’s shoulders because they couldn’t have the water level over his central line that was covered in a waterproof dressing, watching the candlelight flicker off his face. Brandon had dark hair so he often went with the rugged five o’clock shadow look if he couldn’t be bothered to shave for a day. Merlin loved it but he did also love how Brandon always made sure he shaved he was going down south with his mouth in the bedroom. He did appreciate not getting beard-rash in certain places. “No, I just think I wanna do it at sunset. It was so beautiful watching it with you yesterday, the colours in the sky were incredible.”
Brandon laughed at at Merlin’s exaggerated requests. “Eh, Queen’s much better to see in concert with VIP tickets. I’ll pass on the gold toilet right now. I’m not keen to see my mirror image in the bowl when I’m hurling into it. The sunset sounds incredible, though. I’ll have Montana look into times so we can make sure we don’t miss it. Maybe that’s a theme we can go with? You were so mesmirized by the colours yesterday, you looked so at peace taking them all in. Actually, there’s something I’d love, even if I might not be able to actually eat it. Black Forest wedding cake. What’s your favourite flavour? Maybe we can have one tier my flavour and one tier yours? We should probably think about the wedding party? Are we doing that?”
“I’m so jealous of you right now. I bet you know them personally, don’t you? I know Jus and Sash met them at the Bohemian Rhapsody premier. Wow, yeah… I like the idea of sunset colours for the theme. I think you’re so adorable still wanting a special cake even if you’re not sure you can eat it. I was pretty much raised on our Gramma’s choc-hazelnut praline buttercream cake. Basically tastes like Nutella in cake form. I’d love something like that at our wedding. She’d get a real kick outta that. So would basically my whole family but…” Merlin shifted in the water so he was lying tucked beneath Brandon’s arm and traced little circles in the bubbles on Brandon’s stomach. “I’m really conscious that we’re not public. I haven’t told anyone else in my family that I’m dating you. I have a huge extended family and some of them aren’t so, uh… discreet. They know I’ve come out as pansexual and because we’re extended, not everyone approves of that and most don’t even really know what it is. Not that they would be invited anyway but even the ones who accept my sexuality are connected to some of these others. They know I’m in a relationship with a guy in the business because your car was spotted in our drive when we were home. I’m not ready for anyone to know I’m getting married simply because they’ll try to invade my privacy. So, it’s really only my New York chapter I’ll have at the wedding. I think I’d like my grandparents there, though. They would never spill the beans. I’ve asked Wes to be my Best Man but I’d be okay if we didn’t have a wedding party per se… or we could maybe share one.”
Brandon traced his tongue over his lips, quietly listening as Merlin talked about his family. He was still rubbing Merlin’s back but his mind shifted a little when Merlin confirmed he had asked Wesley to be his Best Man. Brandon 100% expected and anticipated that would happen as soon as they decided to get married. He also knew Merlin would want his family and friends from New York there. That’s why they figured here in Cape Cod was a discreet enough place for a intimate wedding but not too far a drive from New York. It was manageable. But other than some of his staff, there weren’t anyone else Brandon could invite because most of them didn’t know he was gay. Norm and Jean also wouldn’t be able to come as they would never fly. It was hard but he knew he could Skype them in for the ceremony.
“Your grandparents should be there, of course. I’ll pay for the flights for anyone you want to come up from South Carolina. I…” he began but hesitated, wondering if he should even go down the path he was thinking. “So, I have a best friend. Not exactly like you and Wes because we were locationally separated when I accepted the contract with the show and moved the New York. He was my best friend since middle school. He was a foster kid too but he lucked out with a great family. They actually moved to Australia once he and their daughter finished high school. We were all in the same year. We stayed in touch. I’d visit him, he’d visit me. He’s bi and just so it’s out there, yeah, we had sex but only once and there was alcohol involved. Something shifted. He wanted to give it a shot of something more but it would’ve been long distance because he has an established career in Australia. He thought it was because I didn’t want to come out and I was choosing money over being my authentic self. We had a big fight. Also with alcohol involved. We lost touch. I’ve been thinking this whole time that I should’ve tried to contact him to tell him about the cancer. I just kept losing my nerve. Now I know he would’ve found out about it like everyone else and he would know about Autumn, knowing it’s all farce. Not that he would ever betray me by outing me. That’s not what I’m saying here. I’m just saying that… I think I want to invite him to our wedding? I’m just scared he’s not going to reply. He’s actually a high profile concert photographer, I bought him his first professional camera and paid for him to set up his own photography studio to follow his dream. His Instagram went viral about three years ago and his career surged. He’s based in London now. I’d give anything to ask him to be my Best Man.”
Merlin sat up beside Brandon, grateful the double-size of the bath allowed him to. His mouth was hanging open a little as he listened but not because he felt Brandon should have mentioned this sooner. That wasn’t how they worked. He knew there was a lot about Brandon’s life he still had to learn. It was because whatever they argued about and fell out over, it would likely be nothing in the face of cancer and Brandon’s possible death. “The tall guy in a lot of photos on your photo wall at home. Dark curly hair. Is that him? What’s his name? You need to call him, sweetie. You just… have to. Even if he doesn’t wanna be your Best Man, you have to talk to him about being sick. Just reach out and make amends before it’s too late. And I don’t mean if you don’t beat this. I mean, before you get too sick to mend things with him. You don’t need me to tell you life’s too short. I’m glad you told me.” He took Brandon’s hand and kissed it, then cuddled it to his chest.
“Yeah, that’s him. Jaxson Colt. Jaxson’s spelt with an X. I’m so terrified but now I know we’re getting married, I want him there. I just have a feeling he’s either going to ignore my call or turn down the invite. I bet you’re thinking right now how one person can have so many fucked up relationships in his life, huh? The thing about Jax is that he never wanted anything out of me. Not even when I made it big. He wasn’t even trying to force me out of the closet when we fell out, he was just upset that I was being exploited.” Brandon growled softly in frustration, resting his head back against the rim of the tub.
“Are you serious? Jaxson Colt? Hang on… I need to check something.” Merlin frowned and then rose up to his knees to reach where they had both put their phones when they came into the bathroom. He shook his hand out to ditch the bubbles and excess water, concentrated when he scrolled to Instagram to find what he was looking for. It took a little bit to find the post he was after but when he did, he shook his head and showed the screen to Brandon. “Holy fuck, he’s only totally Justin’s tour photographer. Justin posted this picture of himself and his band at a charity concert about six weeks ago and tagged your guy in it. There, his caption says it. He’s going on tour with Justin. If that ain’t a sign, darlin’, nothing is.”
In his shock at hearing what Merlin was saying, Brandon narrowly avoiding knocking Merlin’s phone in the water. “Oh my fucking god…”
Merlin put his phone back and sunk back down in the water, looping his arms around Brandon again. “Just give it some thought, okay? If there’s a time that might be right to make amends, this is probably it. Are you scared about talking to him about the cancer now he would know another way?”
“No. Not really that. I guess it’s more fear that if he doesn’t want to make amends, it might be my last chance. I don’t know if I could handle it if he told me to go fuck myself. And I don’t know how to tell him I could be terminal. I’m a fucking coward, I know. Fuck.” Brandon puffed his cheeks out with a held breath then let it out slowly. “I don’t want to stress about this now. You had a panic attack and made yourself sick. Let’s just chill, okay? I just want to hold you. I’m starting to feel wiped out again.”
“Me too. That’s enough brain power for one night,” Merlin agreed in a soft murmur. He lifted his head to kiss Brandon slowly. “I love you. We’re doing this together, okay? Promise after our bath we can go to bed and spoon the hell outta each other?”
Brandon’s ability to smile through the stress returned and he nodded, taking another soft kiss. “Sounds perfect, sweetheart.”
LOG, COMPLETE
What: Karaoke reality checks
Where: Cape Cod, MA
When: After this
“Dude, I can’t believe you can just walk around here and no one even notices you,” Wesley said to Brandon as he walked hand-in-hand with Noah by Brandon and Merlin.
They were wandering down a quaint little street in the town, trying to find a place to eat. Or at least a place those who could eat could order food and those who felt sick at the thought of it - Brandon and Wesley - could just chill, like a bar or something. Liam and Damien were trailing behind them with Jesse and Jace, letting the younger of the pack decide where they wanted to go. They couldn’t go too far because Brandon didn’t have the strength to walk very far but he was managing the slow pace and he seemed to be feeling okay. He and Merlin had their arms around each other and people were passing by Brandon without even a second glance. Granted, the fact he had covered his hair in a bandana, had the hood up on his hoodie and was wearing reading glasses probably threw the scent off.
Brandon shrugged, smirking. “Well, the ones who don’t believe I’m dead already probably aren’t looking for me. No one knows I own property here. I’ve never made it public knowledge. That’s why I love it here. It’s easy to blend in, especially holding hands with another guy,” he said, giving a sweeping gesture with his hand.
“Whoa, wait - hold on!” Damien came up beside Brandon and grabbed the hand he was just waving. “Do I spy with my little eye a fucking impressive rock? When did this no-so-little deal-sealer appear, hm?” He gave Merlin a grin, wondering how his baby brother found the time to ring shop in the wake of him and Brandon mutually deciding to get married. Merlin told them there hadn’t really been any official proposal, so there hadn’t been a pre-planned engagement ring. Now there was one and it was one of the coolest rings Damien had seen. Second only to the custom engagement ring Liam had made for him out of one of his guitar strings and equal to Jace’s diamond and mystic topaz engagement ring and Justin’s ring with sheet music of his and Sasha’s song engraved on it. This style was so Brandon. He pulled Brandon into a smoosh-hug. “Holy fuck, my baby brother’s getting married!”
Now Wesley was taking Brandon’s hand for a look. “Shit, how did I miss this? Daaaaaamn, it’s really happening. Look, I get to be Best Man to the dude who has this taste in jewellery, bitches.” He tugged on Brandon’s hand so Noah could have a look too.
“Jesus, guys, you know my arm is actually attached to me, right?” Brandon laughed but he let them all have a look at what Merlin gifted him the evening before on the beach when they went to watch the sunset together. It had bowled him over because they hadn’t been doing anything the traditional way. There didn’t seem to be a need for an engagement ring but now he had it, he didn’t want it any other way. Everytime he looked at it or felt it on his finger, he got this burst of love for how big Merlin’s heart was, wanting him to at least have a little bit of traditional in the way they decided to get married. Everything else was beholding to the leukemia so Merlin took back control of this one little thing and Brandon thought he was incredible for it.
Merlin laughed too, snorting in amusement as he returned Damien’s hug. “What, y’all have known me since forever and you really thought I wouldn’t do something like this? Pfft, amatuers. I gave it to him last night. I didn’t see why we had to forego an engagement ring just because he’s sick. Oooo, look! Karaoke! Let’s go there!” He grinned, pointing to a bar a couple of doors up with a chalkboard out the front advertising their Karaoke night. Whoever wanted to eat could get food and anyone who didn’t could enjoy the entertainment… or not. He had to admit, he had witnessed some horrific Karaoke in his time. He had been spoiled by Justin’s mic-hogging at their chillout Karaoke nights with the squad. They had some great singers in their midst and those who weren’t so good hammed it up enough for it to still be awesome and fun.
“Yeah, I’m in!” Jace agreed, bouncing up and down beside Jesse when they were taking their turn checking out Brandon’s engagement ring. Jace, personally, hadn’t spent a lot of time with Brandon because so much had been going on but they had a cuppa together after lunch and they got to know each other a little. But he hadn’t even noticed the ring then because Brandon was doing the sweater-paws thing because he had felt the chill of the sea air on the deck. “Not that I sing but I love laughing at people who think they can and can’t,” he added, smirking.
Brandon’s eyebrows shot up at Merlin’s enthusiasm. “You’ll sing? Seriously? I didn’t realise you sang, I thought you just danced and acted. Wait, that sounds reductive, sorry. That’s not what I mean. I just didn’t think you sang in Footloose.” He was trying his hardest not to get turned on by the thought of hearing Merlin sing.
“Merl’s a Karaoke boss,” Wesley informed him proudly, giving Merlin a little nudge with his shoulder. “Seriously, he sings incredibly. He was the lead in three musicals in high school.”
Merlin blushed. “Jeezus, I don’t think I’m that good. Y’all have seen who my co-star is. A trained singer, though? Yeah. I wouldn’t have gotten the job if I couldn’t sing because the final rounds of auditions were one-on-one with Justin. Like, I seriously slept for two days after it, it was that full-on.”
“Looks like you’ll have to put your money where Wesley’s mouth is, baby bro,” Damien said, smirking as he wrapped his arm around Merlin’s shoulders and led him to the bar. It was a far-sized place and Karaoke night must be a good money-spinner for them because almost all tables were taken. He wondered what Brandon’s chances of being recognised here were but when they were seated, he was wedged into the large booth between Merlin and Wes. The blending in thing would probably still work.
Brandon accepted the menu he was passed, pulling the bandana a little more down over his forehead. He definitely wouldn’t be contributing to the Karaoke that night because it would blow his cover. He barely skimmed the menu before he put it aside. He had zero appetite and he knew if he even tried to tackle a meal, he would just throw it all up again. He woke up headachy and nauseous that morning, spending some time keeping the toilet bowl company, so he conceded defeat and went back to bed for a few hours while Merlin hung out with Damien and Jesse. When he woke up around lunch time, he was doing much better. Better to the point of waking up with Merlin spooning him led to them making love with a fully-compliant body so he could hardly complain. He always got a boost of feeling wellness after they had sex but a lot of that was probably just emotional fulfilment.
“You don’t have to eat, darlin’. Just order some tea,” Merlin suggested, pushing Brandon’s menu away out of sight. He was conscious of Brandon’s bad morning but they definitely did have that upswing once he got a little more sleep. His chemo-break days were really precious time when he could manage through the side effects a little better so they had to cherish them. “Are you gonna be okay being around the meals when they come out? They all sound pretty heavy.”
There was a girl up at the Karaoke mic singing a P!nk song and she had a great edgy voice. Brandon thought it was nice to just chill out a little with Merlin and his family. He nodded and patted Merlin’s thigh beneath the table. “I’m good. Don’t stress.”
Merlin wasn’t fully convinced of Brandon’s words but he always had that underlying protectiveness for him, wanting to make sure he didn’t suffer if he didn’t have to. The eight of them sat and chatted about some aimless topics while they decided what to order and listened to the people who had the courage to get up and take the Karaoke mic. Merlin ordered the chicken club sandwich with extra salad on the side. Sometimes Brandon might nibble on veggies if he had an iota of an appetite. He had pretty much eliminated meat unintentionally because it was too heavy for his stomach. He really wanted to give Brandon a kiss and a cuddle but in a busy bar like this, it was impossible to predict if anyone might see beyond Brandon’s hoodie and glasses and snap pics of them on their phone. This was one of those moments where the sting of Brandon’s closeting set in.
“Alright, baby bro. If I get up first, will you go up and sing for your man? You know he wants you to,” Damien bargained with Merlin, reaching over to offer to shake on the deal.
“I second that!” Wesley jumped in. He had been watching Brandon and Merlin for the last few minutes and they were all heart-eyes and protective gazes at each other. It really must be hard for them not to be able to publicly display affection in public areas. Noah was sitting with his arm draped around Wesley’s shoulders while they waited for the meals to come out, like it was the most natural thing in the world, and they had barely started dating. Merlin and Brandon were engaged and they couldn’t even hold hands while they sat next to each other.
Merlin scrunched up his nose, giving a self-conscious shrug. “Seriously?” He did know how much it meant to Brandon to see him do his thing, though. He still hadn’t quite worked out how to pull that off whilst juggling everything else but he planned to talk to Justin about it when they got back to New York.
Brandon laughed, shaking his head. “You don’t have to, sweetheart. If you don’t want to, I’ll live.” As soon as the words were out of his mouth, though, the impact of them hit him and he shifted awkwardly in his seat. He picked his ice water up for a long sip to soothe the sting of them.
Merlin reached over and shook Damien’s hand. “Alright then. Let’s go.” He nudged Wes to slide out of the booth so he could join Damien heading up to the dude organising the Karaoke volunteers. He had no idea what the hell he was going to sing and was even more overwhelmed with the lengthy catalogue when a copy was placed in his hands to flip through. Especially since Damien was going to ditch the Karaoke machine to borrow one of the musician’s acoustic guitars and took the mic freestyle instead. As is his prerogative being a musician who just finished an indi tour of Europe. When Damien gave Liam a smile across the room and started singing a cover of Show Me Heaven, Merlin knew the significance. It was a song Liam sung to Damien at Luke’s bar in the early days of their initial relationship and pretty much sealed the deal for them. For one, Damien hadn’t known Liam could sing (not that he ever had aspirations to do it professionally), and two, it was probably about the moment Damien’s dick decided there would never be another as worthy for it than Liam’s. If there were two people Merlin was rooting for in this world to find something akin to a happily ever after - with undoubted challenges - it was Damien and Liam.
Listening to Damien sing to Liam was so special for Merlin and it distracted him from the fact he was supposed to be preparing to take the mic after Damien. He was swaying to the song, shooting Liam proud as fuck little brother looks. There was something about the way Liam was looking at Damien but he couldn’t put his finger on what it was. Something huge, though. Was that the way he looked at Brandon? Probably something like it. What was also hitting Merlin here was how much Damien had grown as a musician. He had asked Justin why he chose Damien to be his supporting act out of basically a fuckton of options and Justin told him he saw Damien play in London when he was over there. Now he knew why.
When Damien finished, Liam was the first person out of his seat applauding him but Merlin was just as enthusiastic at the side of the stage, completely forgetting he was up next. “What song, dude?”
Merlin did a double-take at the guy standing there with his iPad, nodding expectantly at the song catalogue Merlin had tucked under his arm to applaud his brother’s song and watching some guy in a suit approach Damien as he handed the guitar back and stepped off the stage with a encouraging pat to Merlin’s shoulder as he passed. “O-Oh, um… sorry…” He fanned through the catalogue, feeling like he was being put on the spot. Nothing seemed worthy enough and he was suddenly nervous as all hell. The stage fright was setting in and so was the watery mouth. If he didn’t just get up there, he was going to puke so he quickly pointed to Angel in the Morning in the catalogue and got up to take the Karaoke mic.
Merlin’s hands were shaky and his voice wavered when he first started to sing, the lyrics flashing up on the screen off to his right. He got through the first verse but it was far from confident singing. He was suddenly realising he couldn’t look at Brandon while he was up there trying to get the lyrics out. He took the mic away from his mouth before he even got to the first chorus and his throat started to feel restricted. He took a deep breath, wetting his lips before he moved into the chorus.
Just call me angel of the morning, (angel)
Just touch my cheek before you leave me, baby
Just call me angel of the morning, (angel)
Then slowly turn away from me
Wesley saw the exact moment early in the song where Merlin’s nerves turned into the slippery slope of emotions. He knew Merlin well enough to know when he just wasn’t okay. “Oh, no,” he murmured, going to pull himself out of the booth to go help him but Damien caught his arm to stop him, giving him a little shake of his head. Damien was right, Merlin was trying to do this for Brandon the best he could, no matter how hard it was. Wesley let his butt drop back into the booth, even if he was starting to feel teary himself seeing Merlin’s emotions so raw and on display here.
Merlin couldn’t stop it. The words made him tear up and his voice got even more shaky but he did his best to try to push through the next verse, the words swimming on the screen as he blinked away the tears trying to win out here. Shaking his head a little, he regained just a sliver of composure but he knew if he looked in Brandon’s direction, he was going to lose his shit in front of all these people. A couple of tears escaped and slid down his cheek. He had to ignore them. He just had to fucking get through this so Brandon at least had a memory of hearing him sing.
Maybe the sun's light will be dim
And it won't matter anyhow
If morning's echo says we've sinned
It was what I wanted now
And if we're victims of the night
I won't be blinded by the light
The last words hitched and he made the mistake of glancing up and caught sight of Brandon’s face in the booth. Everything just hit him in a rush, emotions flooding him before he could deflect any of it. The song was making him think things he had been trying his best to hold off any which way he could manage it. Then the song veered straight into the chorus and it was too quick and the lyrics crushed something inside him.
Just call me angel of the morning, (angel)
Just touch my cheek before you leave me, baby--
“I-I’m sorry… I… I c-can’t--” That was when he broke down completely. He released the vice-like grip around the mic which had his his knuckles aching with pain, it was so tight and dropped it, bolting off the stage to run out of the bar.
Noah quickly grabbed Wesley’s arm as soon as Merlin lost his footing and ran. On the other side of the booth, Brandon was already fighting his way off the bench seat to go after him. “C’mon!” Noah pulled him out of the booth and ran up to the stage, picking up the mic and resuming the song for Merlin, barely missing a few beats. He put his arm around Wesley’s waist and coaxed him to sing with him. The least they could do to help was make sure Merlin’s song wasn’t a lost cause because he couldn’t finish it. Back in the booth, Jesse, Jace, Damien, and Liam all stood up and cheered them on, starting to sing along to the rest of the chorus with them.
Merlin could still hear the song as fought his way through the crowd to find the exit, bumping into people because he couldn’t see where he was going through the tears. Not even just tears, these were sobs that had taken over his entire body and he didn’t know where it came from. It hit so quick, it was like being punched in the face and the gut all at the same time. He knew he made it outside when the cold air engulfed him but he didn’t get too far before he hit a fence or a barrier, banging his knees. He leaned over, burying his face in his elbow and let the sobbing win out.
“Merlin, baby… hey, it’s okay. I’m here. I’ve got you.” Brandon came up beside Merlin, wrapping his arms around him. He stroked his fingers through Merlin’s hair and kissed his head, feeling awful for pushing him to perform. He caught himself on that train of thought, though. He knew he didn’t push him, that wasn’t what this was about. Merlin was upset because he was overwhelmed whenever he had to face thinking about Brandon dying. That wasn’t an overwhelmed you could just dial yourself back from, tell yourself to calm down. Brandon learned that the hard way. The downside of accepting reality and trying to make the most of the time they had left was was acceptance took time too. Just because you wanted it, didn’t mean it just happened. Nothing in life worth having was like that.
Merlin couldn’t even get words out at first. He could barely get air in or out. He felt for Brandon’s hand and gripped hold of it and would only realise later that it was painful for him because Brandon didn’t let on. Not while Merlin was in tears. “I-I… c-can’t… I… I can’t… say goodbye. I don’t… don’t wanna say--” More sobs took over when even trying to just explain what his feeling was impossible. He couldn’t get the words out and he wasn’t even sure what words he was trying to get to work. Brandon was right beside him, he could feel his warmth and the secure pressure of the hug against his side, but it did nothing to reassure Merlin this would be okay. It only made him fear more that sooner rather than later, he would have to wake up one morning and Brandon no longer had a heartbeat. That thought triggered an absolute panic shooting through him and he started to feel like he couldn’t breathe.
Just as Brandon noticed Merlin seemed to be hyperventilating through his tears, Merlin retched and put a hand up to his mouth. All that did was make a mess when he threw up after working himself up too much to pull himself back. Brandon caught his arm to hold it away so Merlin didn’t accidentally try to touch his face. “Aw, sweetheart.” He combed Merlin’s hair back off his face and massaged his back with some little soft circles. “It’s okay. I’m here. I’m still here…”
By the time he was done, Merlin was emotionally feeling like he was hit by a bus but he suspected being hit by a bus might be less painful than the confronting reality the person you were so in love with, it hurt, could die in a matter of months and there wasn’t a single thing you could do to try to prevent it. “I think I feel a bit better now,” he murmured with a cough, trying to catch his breath while he was still leant over, hands braced on his knees.
“Yeah, I don’t know what you had to eat earlier, baby, but from the looks of it, I’m not surprised you feel a bit better getting it out of your system. Did you throw a party while I was napping?” Brandon asked, smoothing Merlin’s hair back from his sweaty face. He took some some Kleenex from the little pack in his pocket he always kept on him and patted away some of Merlin’s tears and wiped his mouth for him.
Merlin pushed himself up but he was a little lightheaded and needed to use Brandon to steady himself. “Yeah, I… we raided the kitchen and…” He couldn’t finished but it wasn’t important. His face crumbled and he dissolved into tears again, though not the hysterical sobbing he had been doing a few minutes ago. It was more in the realms of hopeless weeping than anything else. He buried his face in against Brandon’s shoulders, wrapping his arms around Brandon’s waist, forgetting what a mess he’d made of his hand and the front of his shirt when the need to throw up had hit him without warning when he was starting to feel like he couldn’t breathe.
Brandon returned the embrace, closing his eyes as he rested his cheek to Merlin’s head. “I would do anything to make this easier for you, baby. I want to promise you the world and right up on top of that list would be promising you I’ll make it through this. I would if I could. But you know what? You don’t have to be okay. Because I’m not. I don’t want to say goodbye to you either but, baby, if the time comes, we have to. Don’t let me go without saying goodbye.”
“I don’t wanna do this. I don’t wanna be here.” Merlin pulled away and went to wipe his eyes but realised he had made a mess of himself. It really didn’t help his current tearful state. It made him want to curl up in a ball right there on the spot because everything felt hard, even clearly conveying his feelings. He didn’t know if it was tiredness or feeling like these last couple of weeks had been emotional whiplash but every time he attempted to get more words out, the tears just kept coming. It was hardly New York-level busy here in this little Cape Cod town but he felt like a bug under a microscope and the fact he couldn’t stop his tears and he had sick on his shirt was making him feel worse. The evening had started out so well, so the derailing was confusing.
“Be here with me? Do this relationship?” Brandon felt bad having to ask for that clarification out loud but Merlin was inconsolable and an inner anxiety was building when Merlin avoided what he just said about saying goodbye. But he could school himself quickly enough to realise it was probably just Merlin’s emotions making it difficult to communicate. Just the day before, he re-proposed to Brandon and gave him the beautiful ring, which he was proudly showing his family before they went into the Karaoke bar. Nothing but an emotionally-triggering song had happened to change that. Just not quite quick enough to stop himself causing another wave of Merlin’s tears and he felt like a cunt for it.
Merlin had driven Brandon’s SVU into town with Noah and Wes in the back. Liam drove one of the other cars with the rest of them. Brandon gave Merlin a little pat-down, trying to find which pocket the keys were stashed in. “Let’s go back to the house, baby. I think we need a little time alone together.” The last thing he wanted was Merlin getting himself worked up into another panic attack but he was pretty sure he could ask any of his doctors about the impact of all-but terminal cancer on loved ones and anxiety or panic attacks about the impending doom of possible death rapidly dawning on them wouldn’t be unusual. He put his arm around Merlin again, rubbing his shoulder while he steered him back in the direction they parked just a little bit back. As much as he didn’t want the fact advertised, Brandon needed a disability parking permit in any event he didn’t have access to VIP drivers. He was trying to fly under the radar here, so he couldn’t exactly get out of a chauffeur-driven limo in a town this size. With the medication he was on, he couldn’t drive far either but he would be able to get back to the beach house fine. He dug his phone from his pocket, shooting a quick text to Damien and Jesse.
Taking Merlin back to the house. He’s so upset, he’s made himself sick. Don’t worry, I’m taking good care of him. I think we need a little alone time.
It was only around ten minutes on the road before they made it back to the beach house. Merlin was starting to calm down a little but the weepiness seemed to have set in for the long haul. “We’re going to take a bubble bath, okay? Put some candles on, switch out the lights. We can just hold each other.” One thing Brandon had in all his properties were large baths. He found warm baths soothing and spent a lot of time stewing away on things in them over the years. Now he had a partner, he applauded his design tastes because the tubs were big enough that no one needed to be squashed to soak in them together. He could just clean Merlin up. Wipe his face and his hands, help him change his vomit-splashed shirt. That wouldn’t be soothing or recalibrate Merlin’s frayed emotions.
The bath was about half full by the time Merlin found his voice again and the tears finally stopped. He was sitting on the closed toilet lid with wads of toilet paper shredded between his fingers, watching Brandon prepare the bath. Brandon had already discreetly gotten Merlin out of his soiled button-up and came over to crouch in front of him with a warm damp cloth to wipe his face with lingering soothing pats. “I really wanted to be okay singing for you.”
Brandon gave him a soft faint smile, nodding. “I know you did, sweetheart. And I really think you were, at least at first. This hit so quick. I’m sorry I got upset yesterday about it all and made you feel pressured to give me something. I’m trying to take the high road with all this, make the right noises about time running out and accepting the reality but if I’m honest, I really don’t want to fucking die. It scares me that I might. I know the cancer might not be in your veins, but I’m in your heart and that’s exactly the same thing. I think you have a beautiful voice.” He threaded his fingers through Merlin’s hair, letting the curls spiral his thumb. “Just when I think it’s impossible to fall any more in love with you, you just go, challenge accepted.”
“Even with ugly crying and making myself sick?” Merlin rested his head on Brandon’s shoulder, exhaling heavily. He closed his arms around Brandon, knowing the only way to drag themselves through yet another emotional explosion was resuming the intimate closeness and togetherness. “You know the whole let’s have a wedding and make memories thing? Way fucking harder than I could’ve known. I dunno if I’m gonna make it through. What if I can’t stop crying on the day? I think I had a legit panic attack about you dying. In a Karaoke bar. I dunno if I can make it through a wedding looking semi-human.”
Brandon rubbed Merlin’s knee, pressing his lips together through a resolute sigh. “I actually think it’s beautiful crying. I don’t think anyone who loves us would expect us to get through the day looking Vogue Brides-ready. It’s not about being or looking perfect. It’s not even about the wedding. I’m so worried about what I’m doing to you…” he had to finally admit, his voice dropping as he took Merlin’s hand. He lowered his gaze to their hands, brushing his thumb softly back and forth over his knuckles.
Merlin shook his head, cupping Brandon’s face in his hands. “You aren’t doing anything to me. You’re sick and that’s not your fault. I know what you’re meaning here. You think if we weren’t dating, it wouldn’t be happening. You wouldn’t be hurting anyone. But fuck that. We are. I’m just not as indestructible as I wish I could be. I have this sick knot in my gut that doesn’t seem to wanna go away. It’s getting worse because time’s running out. Losing you is feeling more and more real. And I feel sick.”
Brandon bit his lip, turning his cheek into Merlin’s hand and closing his eyes while he enjoyed the soft touches. “I’m worried I’m making you sick, baby. What can I do to help? I’m serious here. I’m so worried. Will you at least see a doctor when we get back? Just for a check up.”
“I don’t need to. It’s just stress, that’s all. But if it’ll give you peace of mind… okay. I’ll make an appointment with the doctor when we get back. I just haven’t been sleeping very well. Sleep seems like…” Instead of finishing that thought, Merlin scrunched his face up and slowly scratched his forehead. “Better get the bath or it’ll overflow when we both get in.”
Brandon gave Merlin a lingering gaze but instead of saying anything, he nodded and used Merlin as a brace to pull himself up to shut the taps off. The water was a perfect temperature, just a small amount of bubbles and some essential oils that were supposed to be good for sensitive skin chemo caused. He stepped out of his boxers and peeled his tank top off, then stepped into the bath and waited for Merlin to join him. As soon as they were immersed in the water, he pulled Merlin close to him and held him. “Stress can make people sick. I just want to make sure you’re okay. Maybe we can try some of those sex therapy things tonight. It might help you relax to sleep. I know why you can’t, baby. You don’t talk to me about that stuff though. You bottle it all up because you think it’ll upset me.”
Merlin closed his eyes, taking a few moments to breathe through his raw emotions. He was still fragile and shaky from the Karaoke breakdown. “Okay, I worry you won’t wake up sometimes. I have bad dreams some nights too. It ain’t every night. It’s just, like, patches of days where it all gets too much. And I know, maybe I could see about getting something to help me sleep when it gets bad but I don’t want that. I wanna be able to wake up if you need me in the middle of the night. Because you do sometimes. You just do. You get sick, you get nosebleeds, you have bad pain where you can’t even make it to the bathroom alone sometimes. Sometimes, you need to get there urgently too. So, I ain’t taking sleeping pills. I’m only bottling because it will upset you and I want some of this to be good. When we’re good, we’re really good.”
“I’m not allowed to be upset that you’re hurting? That’s not fair, sweetheart. Don’t you get upset when I’m hurting? You’re pulling back on this stuff with me the more ill I get. Then it explodes like this tonight or like you did when weren’t medicated. I realised just how much you were bottling up when had no filter and it was all pouring out of you. It’s just been more tonight. Can you just promise me to try to keep talking to me about how you’re coping? Or not coping, even.” Brandon nuzzled Merlin’s temple and kissed his cheek. He softly scooped the water with his hand and let it trickle through his fingers to Merlin’s chest. “Or if you can’t talk to me, talk to Wes, or Damien and Jesse. Anyone. Just don’t hold it all inside.”
Merlin sighed, eyes closed as he focused on Brandon’s tender touches and kisses. Beneath the bubbles, he caressed Brandon’s stomach. “If it’s any consolation, I don’t realise I’m doing it. Which I realise is probably no fucking help at all. I’m not consciously holding things back from you. These… explosions hit me outta the blue too. I guess I don’t always know I ain’t coping until it’s making me lose my shit. It probably wouldn’t be as bad if I could sleep better.”
Brandon kissed Merlin’s head. “I understand, baby. There’s nothing black and white about any of this. No easy solution or any shit like that,” he murmured, pulling back a little so he could see Merlin’s face. They lay there together amongst the bubbles, gazing at each other in the dim candlelight. “Maybe you need to concede defeat on a normal sleep pattern like I’ve had to? Sleep when you feel sleepy. I can pay to have a nurse on hand maybe every second day. Would that ease some of the stress trying to be switched on for me all the time? Maybe we can get you something like melatonin to help. It’s natural, you’ll be able to rouse from it if you need to.”
Merlin nodded, humming softly in agreement. Brandon looked beautiful in this light. He lifted his hand to Brandon’s head, playing with his hair. Having this private and intimate time together in a relaxing bath was soothing. He could feel his anxiety starting to trickle away. “That might help, yeah. I… it hurts knowing you’re worsening to the point I can’t juggle it more on my own. I’m sorry but that just… hurts. I thought I could do this but I’m tired all the time and my gut is all twisted up and sore on the bad days because I feel like I’m failing you. I know I’m not. I need my head to shut up on that stuff.”
“Merlin, sweetheart, I knew I would get here. I mean, I hoped chemo might slow it down. I really did. I deluded myself with that. You do so much for me and I wouldn’t want it any other way. I want you right there at my side through all of this. You’re my Number One, okay? But not to the sacrifice of your health and wellbeing. We’re seeing those signs so we need to find ways to tackle it. That’s all. I’m not going to hire help to take over. Just for back-up. Then on the days you’re not holding up so well, you can rest. Does that sound okay? Maybe Jesse or Liam could suggest someone they know. I’m happy to take recommendations. I’m getting teary myself now, shit.” Brandon wiped his hands at his eyes, trying to push it away.
Merlin caught Brandon’s hand, taking it away from his face. “Maybe we’ll feel better if we have a cry together. It’s not like it hasn’t helped before, right? I wanna make love but I dunno if I’m in the right headspace right now. Fuck cancer. Fucking hell…” He somehow managed to get a little closer in the tub, wrapping his arms around Brandon’s waist, tucking his face into Brandon’s neck.
“Shh, let’s just try to relax. I don’t want you getting worked up again. C’mon, not much else can beat a cuddle, bubbles, and naked, right? We don’t have to think about anything else right now. I don’t want you getting a migraine. Don’t forget, we’ve still got to think about wedding plans. Now that you’ve asked me twice, we can’t avoid that, you know. You know, I’m really freaking clueless about anything to do with weddings. I’ve hardly even been to many. Invited to more than I can count but only actually rocked up to a handful and all they involved were how much cash could be splashed around to look good in People magazine. Let’s not do anything like that,” Brandon quickly added, focusing on rubbing his hands up and down Merlin’s back, trying to help him de-stress.
“Are you telling me that you don’t make it your life’s blood to turn up to all the societal weddings in couture to get paid off when you tag them on your billion Instagram wedding selfies? Never! Doing fame wrong, darlin’.” Merlin even managed to smirk at this. Before he knew Brandon personally, he probably would have assumed he was one of those A-List party types. What he knew now was that Brandon did the bare-minimum A-List anything. Even if they had gone public about their relationship and their wedding, it wouldn’t be your typical celebrity BS. “I feel tired thinking about it. I think the things I care most about would be having my family and friends there, our vows, and our rings. And an excellent photographer and videographer. Memories. Wait… can we have anything?”
Brandon snorted and grabbed the rolled up facecloth to wet in the water. “I would literally rather string myself up by my ballsack and a fish hook than make a habit of attending celebrity weddings. I also won’t have a single regret not inviting anyone who isn’t personally special to me as a guest. Ever. Even when we come out together down the track if we ever get that chance. Which is probably going to sound hypocritical when I shamelessly lean on my fame here and say, yeah, my beautiful man can have anything he wants for our wedding, I don’t give a fuck what it is. If you want it, we can have it. Money really is no issue.” He offered Merlin the cloth if he wanted to wash his face.
“Well, then, I totally want gold toilets like Eddie Murphy has in Coming to America and Queen as our wedding band.” Merlin lifted his head, giving Brandon a smile with his joking outlandish requests. He took the cloth but didn’t think much about his face. He squeezed some of the warm water onto Brandon’s shoulders because they couldn’t have the water level over his central line that was covered in a waterproof dressing, watching the candlelight flicker off his face. Brandon had dark hair so he often went with the rugged five o’clock shadow look if he couldn’t be bothered to shave for a day. Merlin loved it but he did also love how Brandon always made sure he shaved he was going down south with his mouth in the bedroom. He did appreciate not getting beard-rash in certain places. “No, I just think I wanna do it at sunset. It was so beautiful watching it with you yesterday, the colours in the sky were incredible.”
Brandon laughed at at Merlin’s exaggerated requests. “Eh, Queen’s much better to see in concert with VIP tickets. I’ll pass on the gold toilet right now. I’m not keen to see my mirror image in the bowl when I’m hurling into it. The sunset sounds incredible, though. I’ll have Montana look into times so we can make sure we don’t miss it. Maybe that’s a theme we can go with? You were so mesmirized by the colours yesterday, you looked so at peace taking them all in. Actually, there’s something I’d love, even if I might not be able to actually eat it. Black Forest wedding cake. What’s your favourite flavour? Maybe we can have one tier my flavour and one tier yours? We should probably think about the wedding party? Are we doing that?”
“I’m so jealous of you right now. I bet you know them personally, don’t you? I know Jus and Sash met them at the Bohemian Rhapsody premier. Wow, yeah… I like the idea of sunset colours for the theme. I think you’re so adorable still wanting a special cake even if you’re not sure you can eat it. I was pretty much raised on our Gramma’s choc-hazelnut praline buttercream cake. Basically tastes like Nutella in cake form. I’d love something like that at our wedding. She’d get a real kick outta that. So would basically my whole family but…” Merlin shifted in the water so he was lying tucked beneath Brandon’s arm and traced little circles in the bubbles on Brandon’s stomach. “I’m really conscious that we’re not public. I haven’t told anyone else in my family that I’m dating you. I have a huge extended family and some of them aren’t so, uh… discreet. They know I’ve come out as pansexual and because we’re extended, not everyone approves of that and most don’t even really know what it is. Not that they would be invited anyway but even the ones who accept my sexuality are connected to some of these others. They know I’m in a relationship with a guy in the business because your car was spotted in our drive when we were home. I’m not ready for anyone to know I’m getting married simply because they’ll try to invade my privacy. So, it’s really only my New York chapter I’ll have at the wedding. I think I’d like my grandparents there, though. They would never spill the beans. I’ve asked Wes to be my Best Man but I’d be okay if we didn’t have a wedding party per se… or we could maybe share one.”
Brandon traced his tongue over his lips, quietly listening as Merlin talked about his family. He was still rubbing Merlin’s back but his mind shifted a little when Merlin confirmed he had asked Wesley to be his Best Man. Brandon 100% expected and anticipated that would happen as soon as they decided to get married. He also knew Merlin would want his family and friends from New York there. That’s why they figured here in Cape Cod was a discreet enough place for a intimate wedding but not too far a drive from New York. It was manageable. But other than some of his staff, there weren’t anyone else Brandon could invite because most of them didn’t know he was gay. Norm and Jean also wouldn’t be able to come as they would never fly. It was hard but he knew he could Skype them in for the ceremony.
“Your grandparents should be there, of course. I’ll pay for the flights for anyone you want to come up from South Carolina. I…” he began but hesitated, wondering if he should even go down the path he was thinking. “So, I have a best friend. Not exactly like you and Wes because we were locationally separated when I accepted the contract with the show and moved the New York. He was my best friend since middle school. He was a foster kid too but he lucked out with a great family. They actually moved to Australia once he and their daughter finished high school. We were all in the same year. We stayed in touch. I’d visit him, he’d visit me. He’s bi and just so it’s out there, yeah, we had sex but only once and there was alcohol involved. Something shifted. He wanted to give it a shot of something more but it would’ve been long distance because he has an established career in Australia. He thought it was because I didn’t want to come out and I was choosing money over being my authentic self. We had a big fight. Also with alcohol involved. We lost touch. I’ve been thinking this whole time that I should’ve tried to contact him to tell him about the cancer. I just kept losing my nerve. Now I know he would’ve found out about it like everyone else and he would know about Autumn, knowing it’s all farce. Not that he would ever betray me by outing me. That’s not what I’m saying here. I’m just saying that… I think I want to invite him to our wedding? I’m just scared he’s not going to reply. He’s actually a high profile concert photographer, I bought him his first professional camera and paid for him to set up his own photography studio to follow his dream. His Instagram went viral about three years ago and his career surged. He’s based in London now. I’d give anything to ask him to be my Best Man.”
Merlin sat up beside Brandon, grateful the double-size of the bath allowed him to. His mouth was hanging open a little as he listened but not because he felt Brandon should have mentioned this sooner. That wasn’t how they worked. He knew there was a lot about Brandon’s life he still had to learn. It was because whatever they argued about and fell out over, it would likely be nothing in the face of cancer and Brandon’s possible death. “The tall guy in a lot of photos on your photo wall at home. Dark curly hair. Is that him? What’s his name? You need to call him, sweetie. You just… have to. Even if he doesn’t wanna be your Best Man, you have to talk to him about being sick. Just reach out and make amends before it’s too late. And I don’t mean if you don’t beat this. I mean, before you get too sick to mend things with him. You don’t need me to tell you life’s too short. I’m glad you told me.” He took Brandon’s hand and kissed it, then cuddled it to his chest.
“Yeah, that’s him. Jaxson Colt. Jaxson’s spelt with an X. I’m so terrified but now I know we’re getting married, I want him there. I just have a feeling he’s either going to ignore my call or turn down the invite. I bet you’re thinking right now how one person can have so many fucked up relationships in his life, huh? The thing about Jax is that he never wanted anything out of me. Not even when I made it big. He wasn’t even trying to force me out of the closet when we fell out, he was just upset that I was being exploited.” Brandon growled softly in frustration, resting his head back against the rim of the tub.
“Are you serious? Jaxson Colt? Hang on… I need to check something.” Merlin frowned and then rose up to his knees to reach where they had both put their phones when they came into the bathroom. He shook his hand out to ditch the bubbles and excess water, concentrated when he scrolled to Instagram to find what he was looking for. It took a little bit to find the post he was after but when he did, he shook his head and showed the screen to Brandon. “Holy fuck, he’s only totally Justin’s tour photographer. Justin posted this picture of himself and his band at a charity concert about six weeks ago and tagged your guy in it. There, his caption says it. He’s going on tour with Justin. If that ain’t a sign, darlin’, nothing is.”
In his shock at hearing what Merlin was saying, Brandon narrowly avoiding knocking Merlin’s phone in the water. “Oh my fucking god…”
Merlin put his phone back and sunk back down in the water, looping his arms around Brandon again. “Just give it some thought, okay? If there’s a time that might be right to make amends, this is probably it. Are you scared about talking to him about the cancer now he would know another way?”
“No. Not really that. I guess it’s more fear that if he doesn’t want to make amends, it might be my last chance. I don’t know if I could handle it if he told me to go fuck myself. And I don’t know how to tell him I could be terminal. I’m a fucking coward, I know. Fuck.” Brandon puffed his cheeks out with a held breath then let it out slowly. “I don’t want to stress about this now. You had a panic attack and made yourself sick. Let’s just chill, okay? I just want to hold you. I’m starting to feel wiped out again.”
“Me too. That’s enough brain power for one night,” Merlin agreed in a soft murmur. He lifted his head to kiss Brandon slowly. “I love you. We’re doing this together, okay? Promise after our bath we can go to bed and spoon the hell outta each other?”
Brandon’s ability to smile through the stress returned and he nodded, taking another soft kiss. “Sounds perfect, sweetheart.”
LOG, COMPLETE