Tori Jameson Kingston (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
theateroflove) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
dreamlikenewyork2018-08-14 03:17 am
theateroflove) wrote in dreamlikenewyork2018-08-14 03:17 am
"This, I promise you."
Who: Tori Kingston and Cassidy Cohen
What: Taking Steps
Where: White Plains, NY
When: After this
Tori handed Cassidy her strawberry sundae over her shoulder where she was sitting on the park bench watching some ducks swim across the nearby pond. On the drive home from White Plains to visit Justin in hospital, they decided to stop at a park for ice cream. He sat beside her, nursing his own sundae, but his was doused in caramel syrup and peanuts. “You okay? You’ve been quiet since we left the hospital. It’s got to be tough seeing him like that.”
Cassidy shot Tori a sheepish smile when he caught her in the middle of her deep thoughts. She plucked the spoon from the ice cream and swirled it through the syrup. “Weird, huh? Considering I met him in hospital when he wasn’t much better than this. I’m not sure if you knew that or not. He gave me a lot to think about, which is kind of his specialty. I think something you probably know more than anyone how hard it is to see someone you love in hospital, no matter how many times you see them there. It really doesn’t get easier, you know?”
“I do,” Tori murmured, nodding. He scuffed the tip of his Converse in the gravel at their feet. “The last time I saw Andi was via Skype. It was the night she died. Maybe around an hour or two before she did. I’d just finished the show and she called me up. I should’ve known it was different to the other times, but that didn’t even cross my mind because she still had another ten to twelve months to live, according to the doctors. Something in her voice, the way she said goodbye. I still lie awake some nights, replaying the conversation over in my head. You just wish you could take it all away for them, help in some way to ease it. But that’s cancer. Everyone feels like that about cancer. For Justin, he’s got to face the stigma. People wondering why he’s suicidal when, on the face of it, he has a great and perfect life. Or, he’s got so much money, how come he doesn’t pay for the best healthcare? All the while, judgemental assholes failing to understand that he already has it, and it’s still not enough because he’s seriously ill. It just sucks. People wonder why introverts exist. It’s because they’re fed up dealing with dickheads thinking they know best about other people’s lives. Shit, I sound bitter,” he added with a laugh, shaking his head.
Cassidy gave him a soft smile and took his hand, squeezing it. “No, you don’t sound bitter. You sound compassionate and empathetic. And sad. I’ve heard so much about Andi, I feel like I know her, or was even good friends with her. Sash keeps her memory alive like a boss. He talks about her all the time, as if she’s still here. Sash has these feelings about things he can’t describe, and I think by this point, we’re all 100% convinced she is watching over Justin. I think it’s so sweet to think she played matchmaker with them when she was still here, and still making sure Jus sticks around for Sash. Jus is really special to all of us. You don’t know how glad we are he found Sash. Honestly, he really shouldn’t still be here. Since the first day I met him, there’s always this lingering fear in my gut that I’ll get a phone call one day to say he’s completed. He’s like a brother to me. No matter how good healthcare he has, how many good hands he’s in, it can still end up like this… how he is now.”
Tori searched Cassidy’s face with a tiny frown that was a mix of confusion and concentration. “I didn’t know most of that. I’ve heard Sash say things like he’s pretty sure Andi still watches over us, and I know Justin’s classified suicidal most of the time. But I’m still learning most of this stuff. Sash and I are close. We always have been by default of Andi, but when it comes to Justin, Sash is… it’s not guarded. That’s not the word. I think he’s just respectfully honouring Justin’s privacy. Sometimes I wonder if I’m asking the wrong questions, about things that I really don’t need to know.”
“It’s not that. Not even close. It’s fatigue. A different sort of fatigue. When you have a mental illness or you’re caring for someone with one, it’s draining. I think with Sash, it’s not that he’s guarding you or holding you off from certain things. It’s just hard for him to talk about and he probably loses track of who knows what. We all know most of what Justin’s been through, save for whatever has happened recently. I’m just pretty sure whatever it was recently was huge. Justin has huge parts of his childhood that he doesn’t remember, and the stuff he does is horrible. Don’t feel you can’t ask Sash about it, though. I know he’ll tell you as much as he can, answer any questions.” With the subject of Justin inevitably passing between them, Cassidy couldn’t help thinking back on what he had just said when visiting him in hospital. “Can I talk to you something? Something, um… a little embarrassing. Maybe for both of us. Let me just start by saying that Justin is a really wise, but determined, bitch. Even when he’s sick and he makes me think. He also makes me see when I’m driving myself crazy, because even though his own head is messed up, he’s just a real sweetheart giving other people advice or being an amazing friend to talk to. But he was outright tell me when I’m being basic.”
Fatigue. That made a lot of sense to Tori now he had it spelled out to him. He had been worrying he had offended Sasha in some way or wasn’t supportive enough. Something had been going on, but he hadn’t been able to put his finger on it. Fatigue captured it. Sash was emotionally fatigued and when he was ready, he would probably be back to his usual self. Until then, he was just focusing on taking care of Justin, one day at a time. But Cas jumped away from the subject and sounded nervous. Or was it scared? He gave her a smile, trying to put her at ease. “You can talk to me about anything. Is it something bad? Should I be worried?”
“I don’t think so. I guess I should footnote it with, I’m glad you’re so close to Sash because of what he’s going through. I’m pretty sure you’re just as sweet, kind, thoughtful, empathetic as he is.” If Cassidy didn’t have icecream in her hands, she would probably be wringing them by now. Her stomach was buzzing with nerves and worry that she was about to scare Tori away when she really, really liked him. She liked how much they laughed together, how easy he was to work with, and how much he cared about his family, and Sasha. She just didn’t think she was good enough for him, but Justin had talked her through that and basically told her to quit the basic and get her finger out. He was right.
Tori nodded with a little shrug. “Sash in an incredible guy, and to be honest, if I was gay, I’d probably have had a crush on him. That’s Zeke’s domain, though. Crushed on Sash, didn’t know he was gay, only found out by the time Sash had fallen epically hard for another guy, who he now wants to marry some day. Things happen for reasons, right? He’s one of the special people in the world, that just bring good to everything. If some of that has rubbed off on me, I’m glad. Mom would be proud to hear that. He’s like another son to her.” He could see from the look on Cassidy’s face that she had something big on her mind here. He thought it might be the fact she’s trans, because she was holding back on him. If it wasn’t that, maybe she just wasn’t all that into him how he was with her. He hoped it wasn’t that. “Are you okay? I mean, with this? Us dating? I think we’re dating… Um, we haven’t really labelled it, I guess.”
“We are!” Cas said quickly, eagerly. She caught her lip between her teeth with a shy nod. “We are dating. And I know I’ve probably been accidentally giving you mixed message with that, and I’m sorry. It was subconscious. I self-sabotage without always knowing. That’s part of what I was talking to Justin about. He sees it, see? Because he knows what it’s like. It’s easier to see someone else’s troubles or challenges than it is your own…”
Tori smiled at the confirmation, and he was glad he was having this talk, whatever it was they needed to hash out. “I can understand that. Andi used to say that. It’s easier to think about other people’s problems than your own. She always preferred to talk or hear about other people than about her cancer or what was happening with her treatment. I just want you to know that you can trust me. You can talk to me, or if there’s anything I can do to help, I want to. Trust me, I’ll get tips from Sash if needed. And if you need time, or me to do something in a certain way, just let me know. I’m here for you, okay? Whatever you need to tell me. I don’t want you to be scared to open up to me. I can handle it. Sash can be my Obi Wan.”
“A job I’m sure he would ace… pun intended.” Cassidy couldn’t help but laugh at that image of Sasha as Obi Wan. It was sweet Tori was eager to help in any way he could. “Okay, um… you know Justin and I met in Four Winds. The mental health facility. But let me just say that I have really good medication, and things aren’t bad now I’ve had my surgery. The thing is, I have clinical depression and associated dysphoria. I also have an eating disorder and have been suicidal. Justin even talked me down once. I’d had a few admissions to Four Winds before I met him. Even though it’s all controlled with medication now, I still doubt myself, think I’m a burden or even disgusting sometimes. And, um… I’m really uncertain how I’m supposed to navigate sex. I like where my body finally is now, but I don’t know much about how I’m supposed to use it, or if it even really looks like or feel like it’s supposed to. I’m a virgin and barely know anything about my new body. If all that is too much, please just tell me because I don’t want to lead you on.”
“Cas, Sash told me some of this stuff. Just in a respectful summarised way. That doesn’t change how I feel about you either. In fact, honestly, if you were sick like Justin, all I’d want to do is take care of you. I want to spend time with you, have fun, get to know you more. All of you, every part, no matter what those parts are made up of. And if the sex thing scares you, or you’re not ready, then it’s not important. We don’t have to think about it. That’s not what any of this is about, I want you to know that.” Even if Tori had been having significant dreams about Cas that woke him up needing to jerk off, but that was part and parcel with being a guy.
Cassidy pushed her hair out of her face and tucked it behind her ear, meeting Tori’s eyes intently. “But that’s the thing. The only thing that scares me about it is if I’m not what someone expects me to be. You. Not what you expect me to be. Not… female enough. I don’t know. All this stuff in my head, it whirs around and clogs up, but it doesn’t always make sense to me. I thought for so long that if I just have the surgery, everything would be right. I would be like any other person born in the right body. It didn’t end up like that. It was a much more huge transition and adaptation than I anticipated. It’s taken me a long time. But… I-I want it. I think I’m ready. I don’t just want to do it for the sake of it, though, to test drive everything. I want it to be meaningful and special, when the time is right. Justin helped me see that I was probably pulling back from you and giving you the wrong idea, that maybe I wasn’t into you. It’s really, really not that.”
Tori put his icecream down. If it melted, so be it. He put his arm around Cas and gave her a soft kiss, and rubbed his nose against hers with a gentle smile. “Thank you for telling me and guiding me through what’s going on in your head. Can I just say straight up that the reason I’ve been holding back talking about this sort of stuff is because I didn’t want to offend or upset you. But I can’t deny I’ve been thinking about it. A lot. More than I should be admitting. I think you’re gorgeous, and I have since the first moment I saw you at the theatre that day. You being trans hasn’t affected how I feel about you, and I actually think it’s pretty amazing. You’re you, and I adore you. That’s just a part of you I find beautiful too. The thing is, I’m technically a virgin myself. There was this almost-thing when I was drunk at a party, but it was awkward and before we could do anything more than, like, a bit of foreplay, I guess, I was sick all over the place. Thankfully not on her, but only just. Apparently I’m really not good with alcohol,” he added with a sheepish laugh.
“Aww, you poor thing! You must’ve been so embarrassed. You and Sash both embarrass so easily, and get this adorable blush. I’m sorry that happened, but you probably would’ve regretted it anyway.” Cassidy laughed, but she was rubbing his back and gave him an affectionate kiss. “This is another thing Jus called me out on, you know. For some reason, I had it in my head that you were just… experienced. Very, very experienced. Out of my league. I don’t even know what that means, I just assumed I wouldn’t be attractive or something. Did I mention my meds work really well? Because I’m not exactly sounding convincing of that, am I? I mean, um… do you have any questions? Anything at all, I’ll answer it.”
“I would have. Without a shadow of doubt. If I was sober, I’d never have done it. It was a showbiz party, so I was feeling a little pressured to fit in once I got the pretty prestigious role. I was like a fish out of water over in London. Don’t get me wrong, I loved it. It’s the most amazing city and I’ll spend the rest of my life going back there, but I never felt at home. I was homesick, missed my family, felt awful for not being here for Andi. She would’ve kicked my ass if I gave up the opportunity, though. And look? It lead me here. Now I have an even more incredible role and I got to meet you, and all your amazing friends. Life is weird sometimes. I think we’re supposed to tiptoe through some fuck-ups to find the right track, or some other Dumbledory wise way of the world. Or maybe Justiny?” Tori laughed with her, rubbing a hand over his face because it was still an embarrassing story, but one he wanted to share with Cassidy because it was part of him. “Hey, I was so sure you were out of my league. That first day I met you, I thought you were the gorgeous girl I had ever seen. Incredible style, amazing hair, makeup that made your eyes look so beautiful. Cas, I’m about as attracted to you as any guy could be for any girl. Do you know how many times I’ve had to make myself scarce when I watch you doing your dance training? I get why you’re driving yourself nuts, but you don’t have to. Maybe we can figure this stuff out together, now we’ve established we’re both pretty inexperienced with all this stuff? I just have one question. I don’t want to sit here and interrogate you. I’d rather learn as we go. But I’m curious, bearing in mind untimely erections and all, do you not like your body? I don’t mean dysphoria. I understand that. I just mean, the surgery, confirming your gender. Do you not like what they did? I guess I just want to know if there’s anything I can help with on that front.”
When Cassidy realised Tori was implying that he was getting erections over her, she giggled and felt herself blushing. She didn’t expect it to feel so nice to be told something like that. It had turned into a beautiful day, and she was feeling so comfortable and content here chatting to Tori. She was so glad Justin gave her a proverbial kick up the butt with it. She took a bite of her icecream when that question came and the reason she didn’t answer straight away was nothing to do with not wanting Tori to ask it. She wanted to think about it rather than letting her insecurities put out a panicked answer that wasn’t really accurate. “I do. But for a long time, it didn’t feel like me. I always thought when it was over and done with, healing and everything, I would finally feel right. Only, I felt detached from it for a long time. I didn’t know what to do with it. Which probably sounds funny, I know. But girls born with a female body have their whole lives to be used to it. I never had that. I had a whole life of a body that didn’t feel like mine. I guess that’s why the thought of sex has been so overwhelming. Typical virgin things, like I don’t really know what to do with a guy’s body for sex either, but on top of that, not so much with my own. I felt like I should somehow instinctively know when I had the equipment to match the brain, but… nope. That was part of the whole makeover thing. Trying to help me feel more me. And it did help, I love having a Stylist. Who wouldn’t? That was all aesthetics, though. Not the actual parts of me I need to know how to operate.”
Tori cuddled her close with a grin. “Well, I’ve got to say, the aesthetics work really well for you, because you’ve been driving me wild since the moment I met you. Beyond aesthetics, even though I still have dreams about that dress and those boots you were wearing the day we met. I think you’re funny, and talented, and smart. All of which drive me just as wild. So, I promise, none of this is just about skin-deep. I don’t want you to feel pressured about anything to do with your body. I’m happy to take a step at a time and just enjoy it, now we’ve established we’re officially dating. I want you to know that if the time ever comes for us to take the next step together, I know I’ll love everything about you. I’ve done a little reading on Google about the type of operation you would’ve gone through, about how hard it would’ve been for you through recovery and that’s just the physical stuff. I don’t want you to worry. I think you’re amazing and gorgeous, and I still will through whatever steps we take.”
“Are you sure? Because… I have scars, and I’m not even sure how attractive it all is down there. I’ve been thinking about that stuff too. With you. A lot. Hell, so much. Which is part of what I was talking to Justin about. How he knew he was ready with Sash, or how Sash knew he was ready at all. It’s all worked out well for them, even through the tough crap, and they’re so romantic together. Intuned and they just connect so easily. But I thought if Justin can figure it out after all he’s been through, and Sash navigates is, even if he’s Ace, then I’ve just got to find my way. I just never anticipated meeting someone as sweet as you who wanted me like that. Because really, you’re amazing too. I want to take these steps with you, I just… I don’t know if I really want to wait. I think I’m ready. At least, to start aiming for it? But if you’re not, I’ll totally understand. We need to find a place for both of us, figure out what works for us.” Cassidy went back to her icecream, still feeling hesitant with this stuff, but not as awkward as when they first started to talk.
“Scars are beautiful, Cas. Your scars aren’t really scars, they’re part of the journey to get the body you should’ve been born with. If we’re going to do this, I want you to think of something between now and then. When we get there, it won’t be about sex. We’ll be making love. Together, because of how we feel about each other. Okay? Every little inch of you, I find beautiful and that is what it will be all about.” Tori cupped her face in his hand and started to kiss her softly, slowly at first. It was easy to get caught up in it, the first steps of experimenting what they were talking about. He felt those same excited stirrings inside and before he knew it, the kiss was pretty heated. He had to pull away with a bashful laugh, cheeks warm. “Ahhh… see? This is what you do to me, sweetheart. I have absolutely no control over this, I’m sorry,” he said hastily, trying to pull the hem of his shirt down over his lap.
Cassidy put her fingers to her lips with a giggle. She loved hearing him call her sweetheart and knowing she was contributing to him getting an erection was pretty thrilling in itself. She couldn’t help but look and it didn’t look like he was lacking in the package department at all, even if she only caught a glimpse before he was covering it with embarrassment. “That’s one thing I never want you apologising for. You’re just making me wonder what you look like without your pants, to be honest,” she added coyly and hooked her finger in the collar of his shirt to pull him back into the kiss. Eventually, she was the one to break it this time. “Do you want to stay over at my place tonight? Just… you know… first steps?”
“Yes… but I have another idea. You don’t have to say yes, but maybe we could check into a hotel? Somewhere nice with those fluffy bathrobes and room service. We can chill out and talk some more, watch a movie, just spend time together.” Tori remembered Sasha saying this sort of thing was the key to how he and Justin made it work. No matter what was going on, they made time to be together, alone, away from the world. Whenever they needed to, they made sure they did it. “My treat. We can call it our first official date. After work tonight, if you like.”
“Yeah,” Cassidy said, grinning. “Let’s do that. That sounds incredible. Oh my god, I have no idea what to pack for something like that. Are you sure? Let me pay half. Do you want me to find a place?”
Tori shook his head. “No, no. I want to do this for you. Leave it all to me. You just have to go to work, do your amazing sexy leading lady thing, and I’ll take care of everything else. Don’t pack too much. We want to fully objectify those bathrobes, remember? Now c’mere. I totally haven’t finished making out with my girl yet.” He pulled her into his lap and resumed the kiss where they left off.
LOG, COMPLETE
What: Taking Steps
Where: White Plains, NY
When: After this
Tori handed Cassidy her strawberry sundae over her shoulder where she was sitting on the park bench watching some ducks swim across the nearby pond. On the drive home from White Plains to visit Justin in hospital, they decided to stop at a park for ice cream. He sat beside her, nursing his own sundae, but his was doused in caramel syrup and peanuts. “You okay? You’ve been quiet since we left the hospital. It’s got to be tough seeing him like that.”
Cassidy shot Tori a sheepish smile when he caught her in the middle of her deep thoughts. She plucked the spoon from the ice cream and swirled it through the syrup. “Weird, huh? Considering I met him in hospital when he wasn’t much better than this. I’m not sure if you knew that or not. He gave me a lot to think about, which is kind of his specialty. I think something you probably know more than anyone how hard it is to see someone you love in hospital, no matter how many times you see them there. It really doesn’t get easier, you know?”
“I do,” Tori murmured, nodding. He scuffed the tip of his Converse in the gravel at their feet. “The last time I saw Andi was via Skype. It was the night she died. Maybe around an hour or two before she did. I’d just finished the show and she called me up. I should’ve known it was different to the other times, but that didn’t even cross my mind because she still had another ten to twelve months to live, according to the doctors. Something in her voice, the way she said goodbye. I still lie awake some nights, replaying the conversation over in my head. You just wish you could take it all away for them, help in some way to ease it. But that’s cancer. Everyone feels like that about cancer. For Justin, he’s got to face the stigma. People wondering why he’s suicidal when, on the face of it, he has a great and perfect life. Or, he’s got so much money, how come he doesn’t pay for the best healthcare? All the while, judgemental assholes failing to understand that he already has it, and it’s still not enough because he’s seriously ill. It just sucks. People wonder why introverts exist. It’s because they’re fed up dealing with dickheads thinking they know best about other people’s lives. Shit, I sound bitter,” he added with a laugh, shaking his head.
Cassidy gave him a soft smile and took his hand, squeezing it. “No, you don’t sound bitter. You sound compassionate and empathetic. And sad. I’ve heard so much about Andi, I feel like I know her, or was even good friends with her. Sash keeps her memory alive like a boss. He talks about her all the time, as if she’s still here. Sash has these feelings about things he can’t describe, and I think by this point, we’re all 100% convinced she is watching over Justin. I think it’s so sweet to think she played matchmaker with them when she was still here, and still making sure Jus sticks around for Sash. Jus is really special to all of us. You don’t know how glad we are he found Sash. Honestly, he really shouldn’t still be here. Since the first day I met him, there’s always this lingering fear in my gut that I’ll get a phone call one day to say he’s completed. He’s like a brother to me. No matter how good healthcare he has, how many good hands he’s in, it can still end up like this… how he is now.”
Tori searched Cassidy’s face with a tiny frown that was a mix of confusion and concentration. “I didn’t know most of that. I’ve heard Sash say things like he’s pretty sure Andi still watches over us, and I know Justin’s classified suicidal most of the time. But I’m still learning most of this stuff. Sash and I are close. We always have been by default of Andi, but when it comes to Justin, Sash is… it’s not guarded. That’s not the word. I think he’s just respectfully honouring Justin’s privacy. Sometimes I wonder if I’m asking the wrong questions, about things that I really don’t need to know.”
“It’s not that. Not even close. It’s fatigue. A different sort of fatigue. When you have a mental illness or you’re caring for someone with one, it’s draining. I think with Sash, it’s not that he’s guarding you or holding you off from certain things. It’s just hard for him to talk about and he probably loses track of who knows what. We all know most of what Justin’s been through, save for whatever has happened recently. I’m just pretty sure whatever it was recently was huge. Justin has huge parts of his childhood that he doesn’t remember, and the stuff he does is horrible. Don’t feel you can’t ask Sash about it, though. I know he’ll tell you as much as he can, answer any questions.” With the subject of Justin inevitably passing between them, Cassidy couldn’t help thinking back on what he had just said when visiting him in hospital. “Can I talk to you something? Something, um… a little embarrassing. Maybe for both of us. Let me just start by saying that Justin is a really wise, but determined, bitch. Even when he’s sick and he makes me think. He also makes me see when I’m driving myself crazy, because even though his own head is messed up, he’s just a real sweetheart giving other people advice or being an amazing friend to talk to. But he was outright tell me when I’m being basic.”
Fatigue. That made a lot of sense to Tori now he had it spelled out to him. He had been worrying he had offended Sasha in some way or wasn’t supportive enough. Something had been going on, but he hadn’t been able to put his finger on it. Fatigue captured it. Sash was emotionally fatigued and when he was ready, he would probably be back to his usual self. Until then, he was just focusing on taking care of Justin, one day at a time. But Cas jumped away from the subject and sounded nervous. Or was it scared? He gave her a smile, trying to put her at ease. “You can talk to me about anything. Is it something bad? Should I be worried?”
“I don’t think so. I guess I should footnote it with, I’m glad you’re so close to Sash because of what he’s going through. I’m pretty sure you’re just as sweet, kind, thoughtful, empathetic as he is.” If Cassidy didn’t have icecream in her hands, she would probably be wringing them by now. Her stomach was buzzing with nerves and worry that she was about to scare Tori away when she really, really liked him. She liked how much they laughed together, how easy he was to work with, and how much he cared about his family, and Sasha. She just didn’t think she was good enough for him, but Justin had talked her through that and basically told her to quit the basic and get her finger out. He was right.
Tori nodded with a little shrug. “Sash in an incredible guy, and to be honest, if I was gay, I’d probably have had a crush on him. That’s Zeke’s domain, though. Crushed on Sash, didn’t know he was gay, only found out by the time Sash had fallen epically hard for another guy, who he now wants to marry some day. Things happen for reasons, right? He’s one of the special people in the world, that just bring good to everything. If some of that has rubbed off on me, I’m glad. Mom would be proud to hear that. He’s like another son to her.” He could see from the look on Cassidy’s face that she had something big on her mind here. He thought it might be the fact she’s trans, because she was holding back on him. If it wasn’t that, maybe she just wasn’t all that into him how he was with her. He hoped it wasn’t that. “Are you okay? I mean, with this? Us dating? I think we’re dating… Um, we haven’t really labelled it, I guess.”
“We are!” Cas said quickly, eagerly. She caught her lip between her teeth with a shy nod. “We are dating. And I know I’ve probably been accidentally giving you mixed message with that, and I’m sorry. It was subconscious. I self-sabotage without always knowing. That’s part of what I was talking to Justin about. He sees it, see? Because he knows what it’s like. It’s easier to see someone else’s troubles or challenges than it is your own…”
Tori smiled at the confirmation, and he was glad he was having this talk, whatever it was they needed to hash out. “I can understand that. Andi used to say that. It’s easier to think about other people’s problems than your own. She always preferred to talk or hear about other people than about her cancer or what was happening with her treatment. I just want you to know that you can trust me. You can talk to me, or if there’s anything I can do to help, I want to. Trust me, I’ll get tips from Sash if needed. And if you need time, or me to do something in a certain way, just let me know. I’m here for you, okay? Whatever you need to tell me. I don’t want you to be scared to open up to me. I can handle it. Sash can be my Obi Wan.”
“A job I’m sure he would ace… pun intended.” Cassidy couldn’t help but laugh at that image of Sasha as Obi Wan. It was sweet Tori was eager to help in any way he could. “Okay, um… you know Justin and I met in Four Winds. The mental health facility. But let me just say that I have really good medication, and things aren’t bad now I’ve had my surgery. The thing is, I have clinical depression and associated dysphoria. I also have an eating disorder and have been suicidal. Justin even talked me down once. I’d had a few admissions to Four Winds before I met him. Even though it’s all controlled with medication now, I still doubt myself, think I’m a burden or even disgusting sometimes. And, um… I’m really uncertain how I’m supposed to navigate sex. I like where my body finally is now, but I don’t know much about how I’m supposed to use it, or if it even really looks like or feel like it’s supposed to. I’m a virgin and barely know anything about my new body. If all that is too much, please just tell me because I don’t want to lead you on.”
“Cas, Sash told me some of this stuff. Just in a respectful summarised way. That doesn’t change how I feel about you either. In fact, honestly, if you were sick like Justin, all I’d want to do is take care of you. I want to spend time with you, have fun, get to know you more. All of you, every part, no matter what those parts are made up of. And if the sex thing scares you, or you’re not ready, then it’s not important. We don’t have to think about it. That’s not what any of this is about, I want you to know that.” Even if Tori had been having significant dreams about Cas that woke him up needing to jerk off, but that was part and parcel with being a guy.
Cassidy pushed her hair out of her face and tucked it behind her ear, meeting Tori’s eyes intently. “But that’s the thing. The only thing that scares me about it is if I’m not what someone expects me to be. You. Not what you expect me to be. Not… female enough. I don’t know. All this stuff in my head, it whirs around and clogs up, but it doesn’t always make sense to me. I thought for so long that if I just have the surgery, everything would be right. I would be like any other person born in the right body. It didn’t end up like that. It was a much more huge transition and adaptation than I anticipated. It’s taken me a long time. But… I-I want it. I think I’m ready. I don’t just want to do it for the sake of it, though, to test drive everything. I want it to be meaningful and special, when the time is right. Justin helped me see that I was probably pulling back from you and giving you the wrong idea, that maybe I wasn’t into you. It’s really, really not that.”
Tori put his icecream down. If it melted, so be it. He put his arm around Cas and gave her a soft kiss, and rubbed his nose against hers with a gentle smile. “Thank you for telling me and guiding me through what’s going on in your head. Can I just say straight up that the reason I’ve been holding back talking about this sort of stuff is because I didn’t want to offend or upset you. But I can’t deny I’ve been thinking about it. A lot. More than I should be admitting. I think you’re gorgeous, and I have since the first moment I saw you at the theatre that day. You being trans hasn’t affected how I feel about you, and I actually think it’s pretty amazing. You’re you, and I adore you. That’s just a part of you I find beautiful too. The thing is, I’m technically a virgin myself. There was this almost-thing when I was drunk at a party, but it was awkward and before we could do anything more than, like, a bit of foreplay, I guess, I was sick all over the place. Thankfully not on her, but only just. Apparently I’m really not good with alcohol,” he added with a sheepish laugh.
“Aww, you poor thing! You must’ve been so embarrassed. You and Sash both embarrass so easily, and get this adorable blush. I’m sorry that happened, but you probably would’ve regretted it anyway.” Cassidy laughed, but she was rubbing his back and gave him an affectionate kiss. “This is another thing Jus called me out on, you know. For some reason, I had it in my head that you were just… experienced. Very, very experienced. Out of my league. I don’t even know what that means, I just assumed I wouldn’t be attractive or something. Did I mention my meds work really well? Because I’m not exactly sounding convincing of that, am I? I mean, um… do you have any questions? Anything at all, I’ll answer it.”
“I would have. Without a shadow of doubt. If I was sober, I’d never have done it. It was a showbiz party, so I was feeling a little pressured to fit in once I got the pretty prestigious role. I was like a fish out of water over in London. Don’t get me wrong, I loved it. It’s the most amazing city and I’ll spend the rest of my life going back there, but I never felt at home. I was homesick, missed my family, felt awful for not being here for Andi. She would’ve kicked my ass if I gave up the opportunity, though. And look? It lead me here. Now I have an even more incredible role and I got to meet you, and all your amazing friends. Life is weird sometimes. I think we’re supposed to tiptoe through some fuck-ups to find the right track, or some other Dumbledory wise way of the world. Or maybe Justiny?” Tori laughed with her, rubbing a hand over his face because it was still an embarrassing story, but one he wanted to share with Cassidy because it was part of him. “Hey, I was so sure you were out of my league. That first day I met you, I thought you were the gorgeous girl I had ever seen. Incredible style, amazing hair, makeup that made your eyes look so beautiful. Cas, I’m about as attracted to you as any guy could be for any girl. Do you know how many times I’ve had to make myself scarce when I watch you doing your dance training? I get why you’re driving yourself nuts, but you don’t have to. Maybe we can figure this stuff out together, now we’ve established we’re both pretty inexperienced with all this stuff? I just have one question. I don’t want to sit here and interrogate you. I’d rather learn as we go. But I’m curious, bearing in mind untimely erections and all, do you not like your body? I don’t mean dysphoria. I understand that. I just mean, the surgery, confirming your gender. Do you not like what they did? I guess I just want to know if there’s anything I can help with on that front.”
When Cassidy realised Tori was implying that he was getting erections over her, she giggled and felt herself blushing. She didn’t expect it to feel so nice to be told something like that. It had turned into a beautiful day, and she was feeling so comfortable and content here chatting to Tori. She was so glad Justin gave her a proverbial kick up the butt with it. She took a bite of her icecream when that question came and the reason she didn’t answer straight away was nothing to do with not wanting Tori to ask it. She wanted to think about it rather than letting her insecurities put out a panicked answer that wasn’t really accurate. “I do. But for a long time, it didn’t feel like me. I always thought when it was over and done with, healing and everything, I would finally feel right. Only, I felt detached from it for a long time. I didn’t know what to do with it. Which probably sounds funny, I know. But girls born with a female body have their whole lives to be used to it. I never had that. I had a whole life of a body that didn’t feel like mine. I guess that’s why the thought of sex has been so overwhelming. Typical virgin things, like I don’t really know what to do with a guy’s body for sex either, but on top of that, not so much with my own. I felt like I should somehow instinctively know when I had the equipment to match the brain, but… nope. That was part of the whole makeover thing. Trying to help me feel more me. And it did help, I love having a Stylist. Who wouldn’t? That was all aesthetics, though. Not the actual parts of me I need to know how to operate.”
Tori cuddled her close with a grin. “Well, I’ve got to say, the aesthetics work really well for you, because you’ve been driving me wild since the moment I met you. Beyond aesthetics, even though I still have dreams about that dress and those boots you were wearing the day we met. I think you’re funny, and talented, and smart. All of which drive me just as wild. So, I promise, none of this is just about skin-deep. I don’t want you to feel pressured about anything to do with your body. I’m happy to take a step at a time and just enjoy it, now we’ve established we’re officially dating. I want you to know that if the time ever comes for us to take the next step together, I know I’ll love everything about you. I’ve done a little reading on Google about the type of operation you would’ve gone through, about how hard it would’ve been for you through recovery and that’s just the physical stuff. I don’t want you to worry. I think you’re amazing and gorgeous, and I still will through whatever steps we take.”
“Are you sure? Because… I have scars, and I’m not even sure how attractive it all is down there. I’ve been thinking about that stuff too. With you. A lot. Hell, so much. Which is part of what I was talking to Justin about. How he knew he was ready with Sash, or how Sash knew he was ready at all. It’s all worked out well for them, even through the tough crap, and they’re so romantic together. Intuned and they just connect so easily. But I thought if Justin can figure it out after all he’s been through, and Sash navigates is, even if he’s Ace, then I’ve just got to find my way. I just never anticipated meeting someone as sweet as you who wanted me like that. Because really, you’re amazing too. I want to take these steps with you, I just… I don’t know if I really want to wait. I think I’m ready. At least, to start aiming for it? But if you’re not, I’ll totally understand. We need to find a place for both of us, figure out what works for us.” Cassidy went back to her icecream, still feeling hesitant with this stuff, but not as awkward as when they first started to talk.
“Scars are beautiful, Cas. Your scars aren’t really scars, they’re part of the journey to get the body you should’ve been born with. If we’re going to do this, I want you to think of something between now and then. When we get there, it won’t be about sex. We’ll be making love. Together, because of how we feel about each other. Okay? Every little inch of you, I find beautiful and that is what it will be all about.” Tori cupped her face in his hand and started to kiss her softly, slowly at first. It was easy to get caught up in it, the first steps of experimenting what they were talking about. He felt those same excited stirrings inside and before he knew it, the kiss was pretty heated. He had to pull away with a bashful laugh, cheeks warm. “Ahhh… see? This is what you do to me, sweetheart. I have absolutely no control over this, I’m sorry,” he said hastily, trying to pull the hem of his shirt down over his lap.
Cassidy put her fingers to her lips with a giggle. She loved hearing him call her sweetheart and knowing she was contributing to him getting an erection was pretty thrilling in itself. She couldn’t help but look and it didn’t look like he was lacking in the package department at all, even if she only caught a glimpse before he was covering it with embarrassment. “That’s one thing I never want you apologising for. You’re just making me wonder what you look like without your pants, to be honest,” she added coyly and hooked her finger in the collar of his shirt to pull him back into the kiss. Eventually, she was the one to break it this time. “Do you want to stay over at my place tonight? Just… you know… first steps?”
“Yes… but I have another idea. You don’t have to say yes, but maybe we could check into a hotel? Somewhere nice with those fluffy bathrobes and room service. We can chill out and talk some more, watch a movie, just spend time together.” Tori remembered Sasha saying this sort of thing was the key to how he and Justin made it work. No matter what was going on, they made time to be together, alone, away from the world. Whenever they needed to, they made sure they did it. “My treat. We can call it our first official date. After work tonight, if you like.”
“Yeah,” Cassidy said, grinning. “Let’s do that. That sounds incredible. Oh my god, I have no idea what to pack for something like that. Are you sure? Let me pay half. Do you want me to find a place?”
Tori shook his head. “No, no. I want to do this for you. Leave it all to me. You just have to go to work, do your amazing sexy leading lady thing, and I’ll take care of everything else. Don’t pack too much. We want to fully objectify those bathrobes, remember? Now c’mere. I totally haven’t finished making out with my girl yet.” He pulled her into his lap and resumed the kiss where they left off.
LOG, COMPLETE