Cassidy Mae Cohen (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
ifeelthelove) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
dreamlikenewyork2018-08-10 03:24 am
ifeelthelove) wrote in dreamlikenewyork2018-08-10 03:24 am
"Hospital gowns, so you know you should be sleeping."
Who: Cassidy Cohen, Tori Kingston, Justin Campbell and Sasha Stanford
What: That's what friends are for
Where: White Plains Hospital, NY
When: After this
With her arms wrapped around a large bouquet of ‘happy flowers’, Cassidy stuck her head around the door of Justin’s hospital room with a hesitant smile. Tori was in tow with a brown paper shopping bag full of some other gifts Cassidy picked up when she struggled to find anything she deemed an appropriate present for Justin’s current situation. She was totally objectifying her connections and Justin’s status to bend the ‘family only’ rules of the ICU. Thankfully, Mark’s exceptional negotiation skills had visitation extended to Justin’s friends, as seeing them would help his emotional and psychological recovery. Assuming he was up to visitors (the chance he would be had been abou 50/50 when Cas last checked), and they could visit him in the small window of visiting hours they let the rules be bent.
“Hey…” Cassidy murmured, coming up to Justin’s bed. “How’s the patient feeling?” She knew better than to take anything with Justin at face-value. How he looked on the outside could be completely different to how he really was. Hell, had they all learned that lesson again the hard way. Right under their noses, Justin had been using hard drugs and being tormented by his exacerbated mental demons. He had actually gotten up on stage and delivered his usual flawless performance to a full house with a standing ovation when he was borderline psychotic and high on Ice. Justin’s face-value was never just face-value.
And even then, his face-value wasn’t so good right now. He had lost so much weight since she last saw him. He was white as the sheets on the bed he was occupying, he had the gastric tube in his nose that she knew from reports from Sasha and his family that he was being fed much-needed nutrition through because he couldn’t take anything by mouth yet. Sasha was sitting beside him, rhythmically stroking his blonde hair while they watched something on an iPad together.
Sasha gave Cas and Tori a smile, and then looked at Justin sympathetically. “Sore and tired,” he replied for Justin, waiting to see if Justin was up for visitors. It wasn’t his call to make. If the past 48 hours were anything to go by, he might not be up for much more than a few hellos. A lot of it was spent crying, either because he was in pain, or because the anticipated post-op depression had set in with a fiery passion. The slightest little thing was making him teary, which is why Sasha was sticking close right now. Justin needed the comfort. But all in all, he was actually coping really well and the ketamine had blatantly helped. Even if he was sore, tired, feeling depressed, he was the most stable Sasha had seen him in a long time. Like the surgeon reminded them on his rounds this morning, most people even without a mental illness would be feeling sore and sorry for themselves after a major operation.
“Sore and tired,” Justin agreed with a weary smile, voice husky and hoarse sleeping so much, having a tube down the back of his throat and spending so much time on oxygen support. “You guys came all this way to see me? I don’t think I’m dressed for the occasion. Happy flowers,” he added when Cas was close enough to the end of his bed to see what she was holding. He had always said his favourite flower were ‘happy flowers’, anything bright and colourful that lit up a room. No matter how bad he was feeling, he still enjoyed having happy flowers near.
Sasha knew Justin and Cas had a special connection during times like these. Cas had a mental illness of her own, though it was on a much lesser scale than the mess in Justin’s head. They met in Four Winds, and Justin saw her like a sister, one he easily confided in. Justin could get overwhelmed trying to keep up with a four-way conversation. Sasha wanted the chance to catch up with Tori anyway, so he stood up. “Wanna go get a coffee in the cafeteria, dude? These two can talk each other’s ears off for awhile.” He leaned over and kissed Justin’s head, then his forehead, and then his lips. “I’ll be back in a little while, baby. If you need me back sooner, just get the nurses to call my cell. I know you’ll be in good hands,” he added, giving Cas a smile.
Cas watched the boys leave and then pulled the chair Sasha just vacated up close to Justin’s bedside. She put the flowers on his portable table and then tucked her hand over his. “Hey, you. You’re looking like hell, but I hear you’re doing a bit better up here, thanks to a healthy dose of ketamine,” she said, tapping her temple with her manicure fingertip. She was still getting used to this new style Ajay stamped on her for her branding as a plausible actress. She loved what he did, but she still felt like she was an interloper. “Just so you know, I don’t know the full story. Sash has been pretty clear to us all that you’ve been to the hell of all hells, but there’s a lot you need privacy with. So, we don’t even have to go there. I just wanted to see you, see how you were holding up. You poor thing.”
“I’m a walking disaster movie,” Justin agreed, only partway joking because it wasn’t far off the truth. When shit happened to him, it happened with the force of an Apocalypse. He was surprised he hadn’t caused a plague of locusts. “Yeah, I am. It’s a surreal feeling, though. Like, physically, I feel absolute shit. My body catching up with all the shit I pulled on it. And don’t get me wrong, I can’t stop crying. Like, Sash struggled to get the knot on my gown undone quickly this morning and it was like I was at a freaking funeral. The nurse took away some of my flowers that were dying, I was bawling. Everything’s overwhelming and I’m completely wiped of energy, so the depression’s there, but they think that’s more to do with the situation and everything I’ve been through. But my head feels… I don’t even know how to describe it. Balanced, I guess. Like, when I’m sick, it feels like a ship stuck in a storm. Now it’s like it’s getting through the storm. Deep, huh?” He laughed a little, but it was still hurting his stomach and he winced, putting his hand against the dressings beneath his gown.
It was on the tip of the tongue for Cas to ask if there was anything she could do to help, but rationally, she knew they would already be doing everything they could for Justin to help him. Not to mention how perfect Sash was for him and was born a caring genius. Instead, she just started sweeping her thumb softly back and forth over the back of his hand. There was no such thing as too much comfort. “Very, but you and that disgustingly talented creative brain of yours has always best described how things are for you to the rest of us with metaphors. See? I remember. Even that first day way back when I stuck my nose into your private moment at the piano at Four Winds, you did that. You always knew we can’t ever know what it’s truly like for you, but you still try to help us understand. Sash said some of your old memories were coming back, that were lost with dissociation. I’m pretty sure it’s okay that you cry as much as you need, no matter why you’re doing it. None of us even need to know why, just that you need it and you’re doing the best you can to survive it.”
Justin lowered his gaze down to his hands, coming to rest on his engagement ring, which they were letting him wear again now they were confident he wouldn’t need to be rushed back for anymore surgery. Even if he took it off every night to perform, it felt weird not having it on in hospital. Even through his admission to Four Winds where he was sick as a dog, they still let him wear it. It didn’t fit his finger as perfectly anymore now he had lost weight, but he was wearing another thing, snug-fitting ring with it to keep it in place. “Let’s just, um…” He exhaled slowly, controlled, through his mouth to try to work through this. “I… was pretty much used as a… a rented toy… for a pedo ring. Not just once. For years. M-My mother… she…” But he couldn’t go any further. His stomach twisted and nausea threatened with that sourness rising in his throat. He nearly choked on it, but he swallowed back a coughed retch, eyes closed and biting down on his lip. Luckily, it only eventuated into a few coughed hiccups, still enough to cause pain with his stomach contracting.
Cas felt a horrible feeling flood her, like ice water being tipped over her. It was like she forgot how to form words with her mouth, but seeing Justin veer extremely close to being sick knocked her out of the wave of shock. She grabbed the little disposable bowl sitting by him on the bed, holding it up for him if he needed it, but he seemed to work himself through it. She rubbed the nape of his neck, more attempts to offer some comfort. When tears started to drip down her face, she set the bowl in his lap and quickly wiped them away while he had his eyes closed. Not that she would be able to hide it from him, but she didn’t want to upset him more. What he had just revealed to her, no one would ever have thought someone would do to him. Suddenly, the heavy drug use that hadn’t been kept a secret from their friend squad made sense. If these memories had come rushing back to him, of course he would want to try to drown them and annihilate them in any way he could manage. All they knew before was one of his mother’s boyfriends had sexuall abused him for an ongoing period when he was around nine years old. Which was all he remembered, and to him, that probably felt like a whole, fully-formed memory at the time. Then it had slowly come to light Justin likely had ongoing history of dissociation and psychosis during times of trauma, where he blocked out what really happened. She knew much of his childhood was lost, or patchy at best. No fucking wonder. But even as he said this, she sensed it wasn’t near the whole picture. “I still love you more than I have words to say, JC. You know that?” She said, wrapping both her hands around his and kissing his fingers.
Justin was teary again himself because apparently that was what he was best at right now. He opened his eyes and saw Cas was too. He wasn’t surprised, she had always been so empathetic. She had a huge heart and loved with so much force. It was one of the first things he learned about her, and one of the things he loved most about her. It was how they got so close so quickly. She really was like a sister to him. “Thanks, Cas. I think I really need to hear that right now. I was told my whole fucking life that I wasn’t loveable.” His voice dropped to a tight, angry whisper but he didn’t let it consume him. He just bit the inside of his lip and took some time to pull himself back together, even if ‘together’ was inaccurate of what he was achieving at the moment. Some sort of desperate imitation of it, but better than nothing. “A-Anyway, tell me about Tori. Please tell me you two have finally gotten your crap together.”
It wasn’t a subtle shift of subject, but Cas knew then what Justin just confided in her was clearly an horrific and difficult subject for him to navigate. The signs of trauma were there, the way his body reacted physically with nausea and tears in the blink of an eye. He wanted her to know, but he didn’t want to - or couldn’t - talk about it. “Actually, he just invited me to fly to Florida for the night with him for a date to Disneyworld. Apparently he’s as big a Disney nut as I am. Not even in a forced way to try to get in my pants. He had photographic evidence. Every Halloween up until he moved to London, he dressed as his favourite Disney characters and he has a little tattoo of Sebastian the crab on his buttcheek. Apparently. He only told me that, but if it’s true, I think I may have found my soulmate,” she laughed, wiping the remaining tears from her eyes with the back of her hand.
Justin smirked at her, this subject being a much easier one for him to navigate. He could see the telltale blush creeping into her cheeks. “Well, maybe you’ll get a chance to see it for yourself. You said yes, right? Okay, look. We haven’t had much chance to talk lately, I know. I’ve been… someone else. Something else. Not there. But you need to try to stop letting your head get in the way of your heart. If I never learned how to do that, I’d be dead. I know it’s scary and I know fear is a huge fucking demon waiting to pounce, but Sash has told me a lot about Tori, and he’s one of the genuine ones, Cas. He’s the real deal. He wouldn’t be doing any of this if he wasn’t totally sure. I know you’re ready for all this.”
“I said yes, but--” As soon as the b-word was out of her mouth, Cas caught herself falling into the same pattern she had been locked in basically her whole life. Or at least since she became aware she was ‘trans’ and not like other girls. It was easy to catch herself here, because she knew that no matter how sick or how much pain Justin was in, he would call her on that BS. That was why she loved him so much. He kept it real, he was honest, and he saw the world in a way that no one else really could. “I just… how did you know it was okay to put your whole heart on the line with Sash? How did you know he was worth the risk? How did you know he was more than you could ever hope for? Because I know you had to have fought through those demons. I know you’ve had them all inside you, but you got through it. Figuring out the how is always where I seem to screw it up. You’re right, I’m ready. So freaking ready, but I just don’t know what the hell I’m doing.”
“Cas, it’s not dating, or who we’re dating, or even starting to date where our demons are. It’s our demons with ourselves. Not them, us. As soon as you realise that and give yourself permission to take it a step at a time to adjust, it starts to make sense. Also give them permission to take it at the same pace and learn with you. Sash was no expert. He had learning to do as well. About dating, about me, about everything, really. Just as much as I was trying to navigate. So, we did it together. And I think that’s how we got so strong and it wasn’t really hard. It was hard at times, but collectively, it was easy because it felt right. Learning it was part of the fun. Discovering him, getting to know him. Like, what makes him smile or laugh, what his little habits or mannerisms were, what he likes he doesn’t like. Even the not-so-fun parts like his migraines or anxiety, things he’s scared of, how some days he gets really angry that his dad had to be disabled or Andi had to die from cancer. That’s what it’s all about, Cas. When all that starts falling into place, I guess the things like sex and being intimate just happen naturally.” Justin shrugged, thinking back on his early days with Sasha, how it eventuated and played out. “We never planned our first time. I don’t even think we anticipated it so much. He didn’t have the urges, I wasn’t ready until it happened. Then it just did. It was nice. No matter how simple and calm it was, it was still pretty mindblowing. I remember it crystal clear. Right down to, like, how soft his skin was, the cologne he was wearing, feeling the ways his curls looped around my fingers when I ran my fingers through his hair. It’s kind of what it’s like every time for us, even when things are going to shit. Even then, it’s comfort. But this.” He pointed to his stomach, scrunching his nose up. “Fuck knows how long I’m out of action.”
Cas nodded, smiling as she fought off a sigh of relief hearing that he was sounding much more like himself now. He could articulate his thoughts in a way that made sense and weren’t frenzied or scattered. The last time she had seen him in person, he had been high on Ice and psychotic. She was pretty sure he didn’t even remember the night, let alone anyone who was there. Sash had kept them updated since Justin had been hospitalised, but the general consensus was that he didn’t remember his psychotic episodes. That had to be worse on drugs. “See, all that. That’s what I want. I think it’s always what I’ve wanted, but I just got so caught up with thinking I had to make sure I fit my new body, I let my dumb head get in the way. Through all the shit you and Sash face, this part you always get right. He’ll wait however long it takes. Don’t stress.” She paused and looked over behind her at the door, making sure Sasha and Tori weren’t on their way back in, then she looked back to Justin with a sheepish grin. “I’m falling for him, JC. Like, so hard. We’ve been rehearsing together more with you out of action, and we’ve been having lunch together every day because we totally don’t have the same nutrition willpower as you have. But none of it’s been an official date, until now. And he wants to take me to Disneyworld!” she squealed.
“Always get it right? Cas, I let him have unprotected sex with me when I could’ve had HIV exposure. I mean, I don’t remember much about it and I don’t even remember using the drugs, but we don’t always get it right. When we do, though, I’m pretty sure it’s exactly the type of thing people hope they’ll find one day. But even then, it’s not a huge deal for us. It’s important, but other things are just as important. Other things make sex more special too. So, it’s a bigger picture that you can’t forget. It’s one of those stop and smell the roses things. No matter what you do, or how much you anticipate it, it’s still going to be terrifying when you get there. But I think he’ll know how to help you through it. I’m pretty sure he’s not overly experienced himself. Sounds like a typical workaholic.” Justin knew the theatre business and how easily it was to throw yourself entirely into the art. Tori had worked hard to get to where he was, and had even attending a prestigious performing arts school in England. Justin was looking forward to working with him more when he was better, assuming this wasn’t the one time he didn’t get back up when he was knocked down. “Aim to make memories, Cas. If you focus more on that, the sex just kind of happens when it’s ready to happen. Like, you’re definitely straight, right? That’s not part of what’s blocking you? I’m only asking because just doing it was how Sash figured his sexuality out. He came into all this assuming he was just bi and late-blooming, as his mom puts it.”
Cas softly tapped Justin’s nose, feathersoft because she didn’t want to hurt him with the nasogastric tube he was saddled with. “That was a symptom of your sickness, cutie. It wasn’t you fucking your sex life up. I’m pretty sure from what I’ve seen, you’re pretty epic at your sex life when you’re well. You’re also engaged to an Ace guy, so I don’t think he’s going to mind if you’re out of action, and even if he wasn’t Ace, he hurts with you. The last thing he’ll be thinking about while you’re recovering is sex. Even on some of your best of best days, Sash doesn’t think about sex. So, that’s one thing you don’t have to stress about. You’re going to be a good patient and let him take care of you. Lots of cuddles and kisses, which, and don’t quote me because clearly I’m not directly experienced, seem nicer sometimes anyway. Isn’t that what this whole bigger picture thing is about? Which you’re totally right about. I feel like… okay. I know you’ll be honest with me, especially when you’re feeling so shitty. Do you think I’m self-sabotaging? Or am I maybe a lesbian and don’t know it? Can that be a thing? I know things with Merlin just eased off because we were both not ready. He’s doing great getting to know his real family more and all that. We were good. Just more like best friends good, and I think maybe he might think he’s gay. But that’s beside the point. I just feel like I’m romance Kryptonite with guys. I’m trying not to think it’s because I’m trans, but what if it is? Am I just always going to be single and alone because I wasn’t born with this?” She gestured at her lap and sighed, rubbing her forehead. “I’m sorry. You’re too sick for me to be dumping all this on you.”
Justin gave a little shake of his head and took Cassidy’s hand again. “Cas, you’re being neurotic, girlfriend. And trust me, considering the mental place I’ve been in recently, I can say that.” He took some time to think about how to navigate through her questions. He was drugged up on about the best pain drugs out there and he was sure his mind and body were still whacked from all he had been inflicting upon them for weeks. He knew this was an important conversation and he didn’t want to fuck it up. Cas also wanted him to be honest with her because she wasn’t being honest to herself. “First, I’ve seen how you look at Tori. You’re so not a lesbian. Second, yes. You’re self-sabotaging. But that’s okay, because you know self-sabotage and it’s a comfort zone, even if it’s not a healthy one. Sex is far from a comfort zone if you haven’t done it before. I’m sure it’s about a hundred times worse for you being trans and still adjusting to your real body. Here’s the thing, though. Tori is so into you. He has been from the first day he met you, and that was before he even knew you were trans. So, it’s not an issue for him. In fact, I’m pretty sure he just sees you as the beautiful girl you are. He wouldn’t be wanting to spend more time with you if he didn’t feel like that. Give yourself the permission to enjoy this, Cas. I know that’s hard for people like us. But honestly, it’s the best thing I ever did when I met Sash. I would’ve missed out on a hell of a lot of amazing moments that helped me hate myself a little little if I hadn’t. You’ll know inside, in your gut, in your heart, when you’re ready to have sex. Just wait for that, don’t let worrying about it ruin everything else. When it does happen, and if it’s with Tori, I think it’ll be an amazing experience for you. Go easy on him, too. You put out the wrong vibes, he might start thinking you’re just not that into him.”
Cassidy was nodding with everything Justin was saying. She wrapped her hands around his, using it as some sort of pseudo-life preserver to cling to. “How do you make it work, JC? I mean, how do you make it work with Sash, even with all the stuff in your head? The self-sabotage stuff. Because even in the early days, you guys were so great together. I could see in your face how amazing you thought he was. I don’t want to give Tori the wrong vibes. I want to give him the all the right ones, because I like him so much and he’s such a sweetheart. Wait. You said before you didn’t think he was experienced. Does that mean he’s a virgin? We haven’t talked about that stuff or anything. Not even close. Shit, should I ask him? Or does it even matter? Please tell me to shut up at any time. You look tired. Do you need to sleep?”
“I’m never going to tell you to shut up, Cas. Unless, of course, I’m having a psychotic episode, in which case, I don’t really know what the fuck might come out of my mouth. I need to sleep for about a year, don’t stress. I look like this all the time at the moment. Can you do me a favour and pass me that pillow at my feet? I just need to move a little. My stomach’s hurting.” It took some maneuvering, but he shuffled on the bed a little and stuck one of his feet out the side of the blankets because he was feeling a bit hot. Poor Sash’s prime job at the moment was helping Justin shift in the bed when he felt sore or uncomfortable. Or generally being on hand if he got sick or started to cry at random things. Justin had no idea what he did before he met Sasha, but he was so glad he did. “I really don’t know how I make it work. Most of the time, I don’t think I am, but I think it boils down to Sash just being Sash. A lot probably has to do with the fact we have fun and laugh a lot with each other. We talk about everything. I guess that’s the biggest key. Communication. From day one, we talked. Talking was pretty much what started this whole thing because I knew there was no way I could convince him to shelve his anxiety to sing in front of millions of people if he didn’t trust me. I was honest with him about the stuff in my head, though. I didn’t try to dilute it or hide it. I couldn’t really, but I told him more than I thought I would. He and my parents are the only people who know my full story. A lot of stuff came back to me with Sash talking to me. Don’t underestimate the power of talking. I think that’s the key, Cas. To figuring this out for yourself. Don’t be scared to talk openly to him. Tell him how you’re feeling. I don’t know if he’s a virgin, but that’s probably something he might want to talk to you about if you open the lines of communication.”
Cassidy stood to get the pillow for Justin and stood close to help him get into a position he was a little more comfortable with. She felt helpless seeing him in pain. It was hard to believe he was a firecracker on a Broadway stage looking at him now. He really did look like he had been fighting in a war. It was amazing how much power a brain had over you when it wasn’t functioning normally. “You’re right,” she murmured, settling back in the chair. She patted his arm softly, nodding more to herself than to him. “I was worried if I told him everything, it would scare him away.”
Justin nodded and gave her a wry smile. “I get it. I felt the same with Sash. Once I started talking to him, it was easy to open up. Before I knew it, we were zapping up literally hours talking without even realising. And, well, see? A lot of the time we could’ve been having sex, we preferred to talk instead, so there’s that. You know, Ace fiance and all that. That’s what I’m saying, Cas. Just… listen to The Beatles. Let it be. And it’ll just be. It’ll do its thing and you’ll get more used to each other, which also makes it easier. I mean, we could totally play dirty and I could grill Sash for more details, but it’ll mean so much more to you if Tori tells you himself.” He bit down on his lower lip and closed his eyes, his breath hitching through a twist of pain. “Sorry, I’m starting to feel a bit tiredish and sick again. I’m so sorry. I think I need to rest. Or throw up. I can’t tell yet.”
Cas shot out of her seat again, grabbing the bag for him in case he was sick. “Hey, sweetie… it’s okay. I’m just going to call the nurse for you. Just close your eyes and rest. Do you want me to go find Sash for you? Oh, yep, you’re starting to turn an interesting shade of… I don’t know what there. I’ll go find Sash.” She kissed the top of his head quickly in lieu of giving him a hug and risking hurting him, and hurried off to hunt down Sasha.
LOG, COMPLETE
What: That's what friends are for
Where: White Plains Hospital, NY
When: After this
With her arms wrapped around a large bouquet of ‘happy flowers’, Cassidy stuck her head around the door of Justin’s hospital room with a hesitant smile. Tori was in tow with a brown paper shopping bag full of some other gifts Cassidy picked up when she struggled to find anything she deemed an appropriate present for Justin’s current situation. She was totally objectifying her connections and Justin’s status to bend the ‘family only’ rules of the ICU. Thankfully, Mark’s exceptional negotiation skills had visitation extended to Justin’s friends, as seeing them would help his emotional and psychological recovery. Assuming he was up to visitors (the chance he would be had been abou 50/50 when Cas last checked), and they could visit him in the small window of visiting hours they let the rules be bent.
“Hey…” Cassidy murmured, coming up to Justin’s bed. “How’s the patient feeling?” She knew better than to take anything with Justin at face-value. How he looked on the outside could be completely different to how he really was. Hell, had they all learned that lesson again the hard way. Right under their noses, Justin had been using hard drugs and being tormented by his exacerbated mental demons. He had actually gotten up on stage and delivered his usual flawless performance to a full house with a standing ovation when he was borderline psychotic and high on Ice. Justin’s face-value was never just face-value.
And even then, his face-value wasn’t so good right now. He had lost so much weight since she last saw him. He was white as the sheets on the bed he was occupying, he had the gastric tube in his nose that she knew from reports from Sasha and his family that he was being fed much-needed nutrition through because he couldn’t take anything by mouth yet. Sasha was sitting beside him, rhythmically stroking his blonde hair while they watched something on an iPad together.
Sasha gave Cas and Tori a smile, and then looked at Justin sympathetically. “Sore and tired,” he replied for Justin, waiting to see if Justin was up for visitors. It wasn’t his call to make. If the past 48 hours were anything to go by, he might not be up for much more than a few hellos. A lot of it was spent crying, either because he was in pain, or because the anticipated post-op depression had set in with a fiery passion. The slightest little thing was making him teary, which is why Sasha was sticking close right now. Justin needed the comfort. But all in all, he was actually coping really well and the ketamine had blatantly helped. Even if he was sore, tired, feeling depressed, he was the most stable Sasha had seen him in a long time. Like the surgeon reminded them on his rounds this morning, most people even without a mental illness would be feeling sore and sorry for themselves after a major operation.
“Sore and tired,” Justin agreed with a weary smile, voice husky and hoarse sleeping so much, having a tube down the back of his throat and spending so much time on oxygen support. “You guys came all this way to see me? I don’t think I’m dressed for the occasion. Happy flowers,” he added when Cas was close enough to the end of his bed to see what she was holding. He had always said his favourite flower were ‘happy flowers’, anything bright and colourful that lit up a room. No matter how bad he was feeling, he still enjoyed having happy flowers near.
Sasha knew Justin and Cas had a special connection during times like these. Cas had a mental illness of her own, though it was on a much lesser scale than the mess in Justin’s head. They met in Four Winds, and Justin saw her like a sister, one he easily confided in. Justin could get overwhelmed trying to keep up with a four-way conversation. Sasha wanted the chance to catch up with Tori anyway, so he stood up. “Wanna go get a coffee in the cafeteria, dude? These two can talk each other’s ears off for awhile.” He leaned over and kissed Justin’s head, then his forehead, and then his lips. “I’ll be back in a little while, baby. If you need me back sooner, just get the nurses to call my cell. I know you’ll be in good hands,” he added, giving Cas a smile.
Cas watched the boys leave and then pulled the chair Sasha just vacated up close to Justin’s bedside. She put the flowers on his portable table and then tucked her hand over his. “Hey, you. You’re looking like hell, but I hear you’re doing a bit better up here, thanks to a healthy dose of ketamine,” she said, tapping her temple with her manicure fingertip. She was still getting used to this new style Ajay stamped on her for her branding as a plausible actress. She loved what he did, but she still felt like she was an interloper. “Just so you know, I don’t know the full story. Sash has been pretty clear to us all that you’ve been to the hell of all hells, but there’s a lot you need privacy with. So, we don’t even have to go there. I just wanted to see you, see how you were holding up. You poor thing.”
“I’m a walking disaster movie,” Justin agreed, only partway joking because it wasn’t far off the truth. When shit happened to him, it happened with the force of an Apocalypse. He was surprised he hadn’t caused a plague of locusts. “Yeah, I am. It’s a surreal feeling, though. Like, physically, I feel absolute shit. My body catching up with all the shit I pulled on it. And don’t get me wrong, I can’t stop crying. Like, Sash struggled to get the knot on my gown undone quickly this morning and it was like I was at a freaking funeral. The nurse took away some of my flowers that were dying, I was bawling. Everything’s overwhelming and I’m completely wiped of energy, so the depression’s there, but they think that’s more to do with the situation and everything I’ve been through. But my head feels… I don’t even know how to describe it. Balanced, I guess. Like, when I’m sick, it feels like a ship stuck in a storm. Now it’s like it’s getting through the storm. Deep, huh?” He laughed a little, but it was still hurting his stomach and he winced, putting his hand against the dressings beneath his gown.
It was on the tip of the tongue for Cas to ask if there was anything she could do to help, but rationally, she knew they would already be doing everything they could for Justin to help him. Not to mention how perfect Sash was for him and was born a caring genius. Instead, she just started sweeping her thumb softly back and forth over the back of his hand. There was no such thing as too much comfort. “Very, but you and that disgustingly talented creative brain of yours has always best described how things are for you to the rest of us with metaphors. See? I remember. Even that first day way back when I stuck my nose into your private moment at the piano at Four Winds, you did that. You always knew we can’t ever know what it’s truly like for you, but you still try to help us understand. Sash said some of your old memories were coming back, that were lost with dissociation. I’m pretty sure it’s okay that you cry as much as you need, no matter why you’re doing it. None of us even need to know why, just that you need it and you’re doing the best you can to survive it.”
Justin lowered his gaze down to his hands, coming to rest on his engagement ring, which they were letting him wear again now they were confident he wouldn’t need to be rushed back for anymore surgery. Even if he took it off every night to perform, it felt weird not having it on in hospital. Even through his admission to Four Winds where he was sick as a dog, they still let him wear it. It didn’t fit his finger as perfectly anymore now he had lost weight, but he was wearing another thing, snug-fitting ring with it to keep it in place. “Let’s just, um…” He exhaled slowly, controlled, through his mouth to try to work through this. “I… was pretty much used as a… a rented toy… for a pedo ring. Not just once. For years. M-My mother… she…” But he couldn’t go any further. His stomach twisted and nausea threatened with that sourness rising in his throat. He nearly choked on it, but he swallowed back a coughed retch, eyes closed and biting down on his lip. Luckily, it only eventuated into a few coughed hiccups, still enough to cause pain with his stomach contracting.
Cas felt a horrible feeling flood her, like ice water being tipped over her. It was like she forgot how to form words with her mouth, but seeing Justin veer extremely close to being sick knocked her out of the wave of shock. She grabbed the little disposable bowl sitting by him on the bed, holding it up for him if he needed it, but he seemed to work himself through it. She rubbed the nape of his neck, more attempts to offer some comfort. When tears started to drip down her face, she set the bowl in his lap and quickly wiped them away while he had his eyes closed. Not that she would be able to hide it from him, but she didn’t want to upset him more. What he had just revealed to her, no one would ever have thought someone would do to him. Suddenly, the heavy drug use that hadn’t been kept a secret from their friend squad made sense. If these memories had come rushing back to him, of course he would want to try to drown them and annihilate them in any way he could manage. All they knew before was one of his mother’s boyfriends had sexuall abused him for an ongoing period when he was around nine years old. Which was all he remembered, and to him, that probably felt like a whole, fully-formed memory at the time. Then it had slowly come to light Justin likely had ongoing history of dissociation and psychosis during times of trauma, where he blocked out what really happened. She knew much of his childhood was lost, or patchy at best. No fucking wonder. But even as he said this, she sensed it wasn’t near the whole picture. “I still love you more than I have words to say, JC. You know that?” She said, wrapping both her hands around his and kissing his fingers.
Justin was teary again himself because apparently that was what he was best at right now. He opened his eyes and saw Cas was too. He wasn’t surprised, she had always been so empathetic. She had a huge heart and loved with so much force. It was one of the first things he learned about her, and one of the things he loved most about her. It was how they got so close so quickly. She really was like a sister to him. “Thanks, Cas. I think I really need to hear that right now. I was told my whole fucking life that I wasn’t loveable.” His voice dropped to a tight, angry whisper but he didn’t let it consume him. He just bit the inside of his lip and took some time to pull himself back together, even if ‘together’ was inaccurate of what he was achieving at the moment. Some sort of desperate imitation of it, but better than nothing. “A-Anyway, tell me about Tori. Please tell me you two have finally gotten your crap together.”
It wasn’t a subtle shift of subject, but Cas knew then what Justin just confided in her was clearly an horrific and difficult subject for him to navigate. The signs of trauma were there, the way his body reacted physically with nausea and tears in the blink of an eye. He wanted her to know, but he didn’t want to - or couldn’t - talk about it. “Actually, he just invited me to fly to Florida for the night with him for a date to Disneyworld. Apparently he’s as big a Disney nut as I am. Not even in a forced way to try to get in my pants. He had photographic evidence. Every Halloween up until he moved to London, he dressed as his favourite Disney characters and he has a little tattoo of Sebastian the crab on his buttcheek. Apparently. He only told me that, but if it’s true, I think I may have found my soulmate,” she laughed, wiping the remaining tears from her eyes with the back of her hand.
Justin smirked at her, this subject being a much easier one for him to navigate. He could see the telltale blush creeping into her cheeks. “Well, maybe you’ll get a chance to see it for yourself. You said yes, right? Okay, look. We haven’t had much chance to talk lately, I know. I’ve been… someone else. Something else. Not there. But you need to try to stop letting your head get in the way of your heart. If I never learned how to do that, I’d be dead. I know it’s scary and I know fear is a huge fucking demon waiting to pounce, but Sash has told me a lot about Tori, and he’s one of the genuine ones, Cas. He’s the real deal. He wouldn’t be doing any of this if he wasn’t totally sure. I know you’re ready for all this.”
“I said yes, but--” As soon as the b-word was out of her mouth, Cas caught herself falling into the same pattern she had been locked in basically her whole life. Or at least since she became aware she was ‘trans’ and not like other girls. It was easy to catch herself here, because she knew that no matter how sick or how much pain Justin was in, he would call her on that BS. That was why she loved him so much. He kept it real, he was honest, and he saw the world in a way that no one else really could. “I just… how did you know it was okay to put your whole heart on the line with Sash? How did you know he was worth the risk? How did you know he was more than you could ever hope for? Because I know you had to have fought through those demons. I know you’ve had them all inside you, but you got through it. Figuring out the how is always where I seem to screw it up. You’re right, I’m ready. So freaking ready, but I just don’t know what the hell I’m doing.”
“Cas, it’s not dating, or who we’re dating, or even starting to date where our demons are. It’s our demons with ourselves. Not them, us. As soon as you realise that and give yourself permission to take it a step at a time to adjust, it starts to make sense. Also give them permission to take it at the same pace and learn with you. Sash was no expert. He had learning to do as well. About dating, about me, about everything, really. Just as much as I was trying to navigate. So, we did it together. And I think that’s how we got so strong and it wasn’t really hard. It was hard at times, but collectively, it was easy because it felt right. Learning it was part of the fun. Discovering him, getting to know him. Like, what makes him smile or laugh, what his little habits or mannerisms were, what he likes he doesn’t like. Even the not-so-fun parts like his migraines or anxiety, things he’s scared of, how some days he gets really angry that his dad had to be disabled or Andi had to die from cancer. That’s what it’s all about, Cas. When all that starts falling into place, I guess the things like sex and being intimate just happen naturally.” Justin shrugged, thinking back on his early days with Sasha, how it eventuated and played out. “We never planned our first time. I don’t even think we anticipated it so much. He didn’t have the urges, I wasn’t ready until it happened. Then it just did. It was nice. No matter how simple and calm it was, it was still pretty mindblowing. I remember it crystal clear. Right down to, like, how soft his skin was, the cologne he was wearing, feeling the ways his curls looped around my fingers when I ran my fingers through his hair. It’s kind of what it’s like every time for us, even when things are going to shit. Even then, it’s comfort. But this.” He pointed to his stomach, scrunching his nose up. “Fuck knows how long I’m out of action.”
Cas nodded, smiling as she fought off a sigh of relief hearing that he was sounding much more like himself now. He could articulate his thoughts in a way that made sense and weren’t frenzied or scattered. The last time she had seen him in person, he had been high on Ice and psychotic. She was pretty sure he didn’t even remember the night, let alone anyone who was there. Sash had kept them updated since Justin had been hospitalised, but the general consensus was that he didn’t remember his psychotic episodes. That had to be worse on drugs. “See, all that. That’s what I want. I think it’s always what I’ve wanted, but I just got so caught up with thinking I had to make sure I fit my new body, I let my dumb head get in the way. Through all the shit you and Sash face, this part you always get right. He’ll wait however long it takes. Don’t stress.” She paused and looked over behind her at the door, making sure Sasha and Tori weren’t on their way back in, then she looked back to Justin with a sheepish grin. “I’m falling for him, JC. Like, so hard. We’ve been rehearsing together more with you out of action, and we’ve been having lunch together every day because we totally don’t have the same nutrition willpower as you have. But none of it’s been an official date, until now. And he wants to take me to Disneyworld!” she squealed.
“Always get it right? Cas, I let him have unprotected sex with me when I could’ve had HIV exposure. I mean, I don’t remember much about it and I don’t even remember using the drugs, but we don’t always get it right. When we do, though, I’m pretty sure it’s exactly the type of thing people hope they’ll find one day. But even then, it’s not a huge deal for us. It’s important, but other things are just as important. Other things make sex more special too. So, it’s a bigger picture that you can’t forget. It’s one of those stop and smell the roses things. No matter what you do, or how much you anticipate it, it’s still going to be terrifying when you get there. But I think he’ll know how to help you through it. I’m pretty sure he’s not overly experienced himself. Sounds like a typical workaholic.” Justin knew the theatre business and how easily it was to throw yourself entirely into the art. Tori had worked hard to get to where he was, and had even attending a prestigious performing arts school in England. Justin was looking forward to working with him more when he was better, assuming this wasn’t the one time he didn’t get back up when he was knocked down. “Aim to make memories, Cas. If you focus more on that, the sex just kind of happens when it’s ready to happen. Like, you’re definitely straight, right? That’s not part of what’s blocking you? I’m only asking because just doing it was how Sash figured his sexuality out. He came into all this assuming he was just bi and late-blooming, as his mom puts it.”
Cas softly tapped Justin’s nose, feathersoft because she didn’t want to hurt him with the nasogastric tube he was saddled with. “That was a symptom of your sickness, cutie. It wasn’t you fucking your sex life up. I’m pretty sure from what I’ve seen, you’re pretty epic at your sex life when you’re well. You’re also engaged to an Ace guy, so I don’t think he’s going to mind if you’re out of action, and even if he wasn’t Ace, he hurts with you. The last thing he’ll be thinking about while you’re recovering is sex. Even on some of your best of best days, Sash doesn’t think about sex. So, that’s one thing you don’t have to stress about. You’re going to be a good patient and let him take care of you. Lots of cuddles and kisses, which, and don’t quote me because clearly I’m not directly experienced, seem nicer sometimes anyway. Isn’t that what this whole bigger picture thing is about? Which you’re totally right about. I feel like… okay. I know you’ll be honest with me, especially when you’re feeling so shitty. Do you think I’m self-sabotaging? Or am I maybe a lesbian and don’t know it? Can that be a thing? I know things with Merlin just eased off because we were both not ready. He’s doing great getting to know his real family more and all that. We were good. Just more like best friends good, and I think maybe he might think he’s gay. But that’s beside the point. I just feel like I’m romance Kryptonite with guys. I’m trying not to think it’s because I’m trans, but what if it is? Am I just always going to be single and alone because I wasn’t born with this?” She gestured at her lap and sighed, rubbing her forehead. “I’m sorry. You’re too sick for me to be dumping all this on you.”
Justin gave a little shake of his head and took Cassidy’s hand again. “Cas, you’re being neurotic, girlfriend. And trust me, considering the mental place I’ve been in recently, I can say that.” He took some time to think about how to navigate through her questions. He was drugged up on about the best pain drugs out there and he was sure his mind and body were still whacked from all he had been inflicting upon them for weeks. He knew this was an important conversation and he didn’t want to fuck it up. Cas also wanted him to be honest with her because she wasn’t being honest to herself. “First, I’ve seen how you look at Tori. You’re so not a lesbian. Second, yes. You’re self-sabotaging. But that’s okay, because you know self-sabotage and it’s a comfort zone, even if it’s not a healthy one. Sex is far from a comfort zone if you haven’t done it before. I’m sure it’s about a hundred times worse for you being trans and still adjusting to your real body. Here’s the thing, though. Tori is so into you. He has been from the first day he met you, and that was before he even knew you were trans. So, it’s not an issue for him. In fact, I’m pretty sure he just sees you as the beautiful girl you are. He wouldn’t be wanting to spend more time with you if he didn’t feel like that. Give yourself the permission to enjoy this, Cas. I know that’s hard for people like us. But honestly, it’s the best thing I ever did when I met Sash. I would’ve missed out on a hell of a lot of amazing moments that helped me hate myself a little little if I hadn’t. You’ll know inside, in your gut, in your heart, when you’re ready to have sex. Just wait for that, don’t let worrying about it ruin everything else. When it does happen, and if it’s with Tori, I think it’ll be an amazing experience for you. Go easy on him, too. You put out the wrong vibes, he might start thinking you’re just not that into him.”
Cassidy was nodding with everything Justin was saying. She wrapped her hands around his, using it as some sort of pseudo-life preserver to cling to. “How do you make it work, JC? I mean, how do you make it work with Sash, even with all the stuff in your head? The self-sabotage stuff. Because even in the early days, you guys were so great together. I could see in your face how amazing you thought he was. I don’t want to give Tori the wrong vibes. I want to give him the all the right ones, because I like him so much and he’s such a sweetheart. Wait. You said before you didn’t think he was experienced. Does that mean he’s a virgin? We haven’t talked about that stuff or anything. Not even close. Shit, should I ask him? Or does it even matter? Please tell me to shut up at any time. You look tired. Do you need to sleep?”
“I’m never going to tell you to shut up, Cas. Unless, of course, I’m having a psychotic episode, in which case, I don’t really know what the fuck might come out of my mouth. I need to sleep for about a year, don’t stress. I look like this all the time at the moment. Can you do me a favour and pass me that pillow at my feet? I just need to move a little. My stomach’s hurting.” It took some maneuvering, but he shuffled on the bed a little and stuck one of his feet out the side of the blankets because he was feeling a bit hot. Poor Sash’s prime job at the moment was helping Justin shift in the bed when he felt sore or uncomfortable. Or generally being on hand if he got sick or started to cry at random things. Justin had no idea what he did before he met Sasha, but he was so glad he did. “I really don’t know how I make it work. Most of the time, I don’t think I am, but I think it boils down to Sash just being Sash. A lot probably has to do with the fact we have fun and laugh a lot with each other. We talk about everything. I guess that’s the biggest key. Communication. From day one, we talked. Talking was pretty much what started this whole thing because I knew there was no way I could convince him to shelve his anxiety to sing in front of millions of people if he didn’t trust me. I was honest with him about the stuff in my head, though. I didn’t try to dilute it or hide it. I couldn’t really, but I told him more than I thought I would. He and my parents are the only people who know my full story. A lot of stuff came back to me with Sash talking to me. Don’t underestimate the power of talking. I think that’s the key, Cas. To figuring this out for yourself. Don’t be scared to talk openly to him. Tell him how you’re feeling. I don’t know if he’s a virgin, but that’s probably something he might want to talk to you about if you open the lines of communication.”
Cassidy stood to get the pillow for Justin and stood close to help him get into a position he was a little more comfortable with. She felt helpless seeing him in pain. It was hard to believe he was a firecracker on a Broadway stage looking at him now. He really did look like he had been fighting in a war. It was amazing how much power a brain had over you when it wasn’t functioning normally. “You’re right,” she murmured, settling back in the chair. She patted his arm softly, nodding more to herself than to him. “I was worried if I told him everything, it would scare him away.”
Justin nodded and gave her a wry smile. “I get it. I felt the same with Sash. Once I started talking to him, it was easy to open up. Before I knew it, we were zapping up literally hours talking without even realising. And, well, see? A lot of the time we could’ve been having sex, we preferred to talk instead, so there’s that. You know, Ace fiance and all that. That’s what I’m saying, Cas. Just… listen to The Beatles. Let it be. And it’ll just be. It’ll do its thing and you’ll get more used to each other, which also makes it easier. I mean, we could totally play dirty and I could grill Sash for more details, but it’ll mean so much more to you if Tori tells you himself.” He bit down on his lower lip and closed his eyes, his breath hitching through a twist of pain. “Sorry, I’m starting to feel a bit tiredish and sick again. I’m so sorry. I think I need to rest. Or throw up. I can’t tell yet.”
Cas shot out of her seat again, grabbing the bag for him in case he was sick. “Hey, sweetie… it’s okay. I’m just going to call the nurse for you. Just close your eyes and rest. Do you want me to go find Sash for you? Oh, yep, you’re starting to turn an interesting shade of… I don’t know what there. I’ll go find Sash.” She kissed the top of his head quickly in lieu of giving him a hug and risking hurting him, and hurried off to hunt down Sasha.
LOG, COMPLETE