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[breakablehearts]

Thinking about going back to DWB for awhile.

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[headingforsomething]

If this is something fun, can I come?

[breakablehearts]

Doctors Without Boarders? Well, you would probably make a fun nurse.

[headingforsomething]

I nearly did nursing, you know. Wait, you want to go back overseas? Is this because of what happened to Justin? I heard you were incredible up there. You're the only reason he's still here.

[breakablehearts]

Did you really? What made you change your mind? I'm contemplating my options. Feeling a little lost and alone right now, so probably not the best mindset to make big decisions on. No, Justin's the only reason he's still here. He was very strong.

[headingforsomething]

I wanted to be a singer more. Daddy told me to follow my heart, not my head. That's steered me well up until recently. Won't going all the way to a strange country make you feel even more alone? You're a selfless person, Sam. He won't be feeling strong.

[breakablehearts]

There's no doubt you're made to do that. You listened to your calling. I felt I had a rewarding purpose over there. No, he's not. He's very shellshocked.

[headingforsomething]

I'd probably be a terrible nurse. Too much of a hot-headed streak. Not the same rewarding purpose you feel here? I mean, you just saved your nephew's life, even if you won't take the credit for it. I want to give him a hug, but I know he's fragile at these times. How about you? How are you?

[breakablehearts]

That's not a bad quality. From what Justin says, you're very caring yourself. He calls you his big sister. People over there have no hope, but keep living. People here have all the hope and stop living. Give him a few days. When he gets treatment, he'll be in a better frame of mind. Me? Not too good.

[headingforsomething]

Is it good nursing practice to want to go out and head-hunt all the people who hurt my patients? That's... really fucking accurate. Did something set him off? I didn't think so. How could you be? Is this why you want to leave?

[breakablehearts]

I know it's definitely good big sister practice. It's easy to exist. Living and being a good person, an entirely different thing. He's got and infection. It aggravated the bipolar. No, not directly. Just questioning my place here, that's all.

[headingforsomething]

I kind of love being a big sister. I don't want to just exist. I want to live and love passionately. What about you? Shit, what sort of infection? Best Twin and Uncle in the World ever?

[breakablehearts]

Never stop being that. Justin needs you. See, that's the right way to look at life. I want to live and love passionately too, just probably less vibrant than you're destined for. They don't know yet. They're erring on a UTI at the moment. I don't know about that, but I try my best.

[independenceday]

I'd hate to see you go.

[breakablehearts]

I'm sure you'll be fine.

[independenceday]

I could be, but maybe I'd rather not have to find out. What's going on, Sam?

[breakablehearts]

That's a question you even need to ask?

[PM]

[independenceday]

I assume it has to do with what happened with Justin, but I'd also think that would make you want to be here more, not less.

[breakablehearts]

My nephew just nearly jumped to his death in front of me. Or were you the only person who didn't hear about that? None of this is about me wanting to be anywhere.

[independenceday]

I know, Sam. I know, and there are no words to even begin to describe what that must've been like for you. I just... don't want you to go. And I'm sure your family doesn't, either.

[breakablehearts]

You didn't ask me how he was or anything. My family all have families of their own.

[independenceday]

I'm sorry. I thought you wouldn't want to be bothered when you were focused on him. Just the same, Sam. They all have families of their own, but you're their family, too.

[breakablehearts]

I've actually felt really alone through this whole thing.

[independenceday]

Everyone's been concerned about Justin, and understandably, but you haven't had anyone to lean on yourself... Christ, Sam. I'm so sorry. If it's not too late to come and check in on you, I'd like to. I genuinely thought that you'd be tied up with your family and focusing on Justin and not need extra distractions from people outside the situation.

[breakablehearts]

Ali came to see me, even though Sunshine is probably terrified. Justin shuts down after an episode and doesn't want people near him for awhile.

[independenceday]

You must be stressed out of your mind. I'm glad Ali came by. Is he at least getting the treatment he needs to get back on steadier ground now? How are you doing with everything? If that's not a stupid question to ask.

[breakablehearts]

I'm worried about Mark and his heart. Justin has early stage septicemia from an infection somewhere in his body. They're treating it with broad spectrum antibiotics. He didn't tell anyone he was feeling strange because he said he always feels strange. He was in a really bad way. He's settled right down now, though. I'm feeling like... He could have done it right there in front of me. I'm just in shock. Feeling sort of numb.

[independenceday]

The heart attack that he had was due to stress, wasn't it? I can see why you'd be worried. Christ, the poor kiddo. He's so used to feeling strange that he doesn't know when it's a strange he should warn someone about? Do they know what sort of infection or what's caused it? Is this the first time you've been there when he was that close to suicide? That has to have been terrifying. I'm just glad you were there, awful though it may have been.

[breakablehearts]

They don't tend to look for the source once septicemia presents because it can life threatening if untreated. I'm going to try to talk to him, just so he knows I'm not upset with him. Mark was angry at me, he just needed something to blame. It's okay. Stress isn't good for Mark's heart, no. I've only ever seen him after his suicide attempts. It's confronting. They think he was psychotic just from how he was hysterical and not making much sense towards the end.

[independenceday]

Oh my god... The poor kid could've died anyway, even if he hadn't wanted to hurt himself. I think that's a good idea, sweetheart. From what I hear of Justin, he's a sweet kid with a big heart who hates hurting anyone he loves. Mark and Justin are both lucky to have you. I think with an infection that dangerous, even someone with no history of mental illness would be in pretty terrible shape. Justin's just got that extra struggle on top to deal with. When are you going to go and speak to him? Do you know yet?

[breakablehearts]

Justin's condition is never a "normal" stable. You tend to see him on little highs and lows, which is what they consider stabilised for him. Just between you and me, Justin's condition stems from childhood sexual abuse. Only those very close to him know that. He's been quite open about other parts of his illness and substance issues, but this isn't something he has ever made public. None of us can directly understand his trauma and I think that's why his fight or flight kicks in. He's talking to me on Facebook. I hope he'll let me come see him. He's gone off to the Rainbow Room to spend time with the kids there. He's a gifted kid. Music and performing are one thing that tends to break his mental cycle.

[independenceday]

So there's always the fear in place that he could seem okay, and then end up having a break and being really hurt or worse. Oh, my god. Sexual abuse of a minor is probably the worst thing I can imagine. I hope whoever did it to him is buried under the jail now. I hope he'll let you come and see him, too. I know after seeing him in such a bad place, you want to see him recovering and let him know that you love him.

[breakablehearts]

Fear yes, but there's also the fact it's not just a fear, it's a reality. He was very minor. I'm not just talking pre or early teens here. I'm pretty sure he's under something. Seeing him recovering is sometimes the hardest part.

[independenceday]

Less of a fear and more of a very painful knowledge. Oh, my god. It kind of makes me want to commit grievous bodily harm against anyone who would do anything like that. I think about my own boys. I would do ANYTHING to keep them safe. I can't understand wanting to hurt a kid so badly. His recovery time's pretty damn rough, too, huh?

[breakablehearts]

He has a very fight or flight instinct with his illness. We've had near-misses when he's nearly run out into traffic of jumped off balconies. He had his first attempt when he was 14 and walked in front of a truck that stopped just in time. We just can't ever know when his mind might snap. Usually there's a trigger. I don't understand how any person can deliberately harm another. But kids, it's just an evil beyond us to explain. He just can't always tell us what he's thinking and feeling when he's recovering. His psych describes it as being like his software is scrambled without a CTRL+ALT+DELETE fix.

[independenceday]

He just panics and runs? Holy shit, that must be terrifying. So you have to find a balance between not wanting him to always feel like he's being watched like a hawk, but also still keeping an eye on him just in case. The only people I want to harm are the people who hurt kids in the first place. So it's basically a matter of having to wait on things to catch back up again?

[breakablehearts]

Sort of. It's not a general panic. It's a whole lot of trauma-induced responses that kind of converge in one collision and impacts on him all at once. His mind doesn't have the rational filtering process those who are mentally healthy have. When this happens, there's no separation of responses. No fear, paranoia, or panic all in their own capacity. It's all one blow and when he is manic, he can't put the brakes on it. Everything is amplified. With his mind spiralling out of control like that, his mental response is to stop it. Which usually means suicidal ideation. He also has a history of self-harm, because the physical pain receptors disrupt the mental responses. I know it all sounds very clinical. His condition is complex. He deserves all the respect and honour he gets for fighting a tough battle. He's really fighting a war all on his own. We can't watch everything he does. He only began to heal once he had the outlet of performance, so we can't take that away from him. He needs to rest. His mood will usually drop significantly before he stabilises again.