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[breakablehearts]

Thinking about going back to DWB for awhile.

Comments

[independenceday]

So there's always the fear in place that he could seem okay, and then end up having a break and being really hurt or worse. Oh, my god. Sexual abuse of a minor is probably the worst thing I can imagine. I hope whoever did it to him is buried under the jail now. I hope he'll let you come and see him, too. I know after seeing him in such a bad place, you want to see him recovering and let him know that you love him.

[breakablehearts]

Fear yes, but there's also the fact it's not just a fear, it's a reality. He was very minor. I'm not just talking pre or early teens here. I'm pretty sure he's under something. Seeing him recovering is sometimes the hardest part.

[independenceday]

Less of a fear and more of a very painful knowledge. Oh, my god. It kind of makes me want to commit grievous bodily harm against anyone who would do anything like that. I think about my own boys. I would do ANYTHING to keep them safe. I can't understand wanting to hurt a kid so badly. His recovery time's pretty damn rough, too, huh?

[breakablehearts]

He has a very fight or flight instinct with his illness. We've had near-misses when he's nearly run out into traffic of jumped off balconies. He had his first attempt when he was 14 and walked in front of a truck that stopped just in time. We just can't ever know when his mind might snap. Usually there's a trigger. I don't understand how any person can deliberately harm another. But kids, it's just an evil beyond us to explain. He just can't always tell us what he's thinking and feeling when he's recovering. His psych describes it as being like his software is scrambled without a CTRL+ALT+DELETE fix.

[independenceday]

He just panics and runs? Holy shit, that must be terrifying. So you have to find a balance between not wanting him to always feel like he's being watched like a hawk, but also still keeping an eye on him just in case. The only people I want to harm are the people who hurt kids in the first place. So it's basically a matter of having to wait on things to catch back up again?

[breakablehearts]

Sort of. It's not a general panic. It's a whole lot of trauma-induced responses that kind of converge in one collision and impacts on him all at once. His mind doesn't have the rational filtering process those who are mentally healthy have. When this happens, there's no separation of responses. No fear, paranoia, or panic all in their own capacity. It's all one blow and when he is manic, he can't put the brakes on it. Everything is amplified. With his mind spiralling out of control like that, his mental response is to stop it. Which usually means suicidal ideation. He also has a history of self-harm, because the physical pain receptors disrupt the mental responses. I know it all sounds very clinical. His condition is complex. He deserves all the respect and honour he gets for fighting a tough battle. He's really fighting a war all on his own. We can't watch everything he does. He only began to heal once he had the outlet of performance, so we can't take that away from him. He needs to rest. His mood will usually drop significantly before he stabilises again.