"I don't want to miss a thing..."

[lastfirstkiss]

Who? Nick Matheson and Jeff Hinton
What? Last chance to get it right
When? Saturday morning
Where? The Matheson house, Florida

Jeff had been known to make a crazy decision here and there in the past. It wasn't something that he was ashamed of. It was just a part of who he was. It was how he and Richie had ended up with matching BFF lip piercings (which had then led to Richie nearly bleeding to death, and a stern bitching out from Karla), and now it was how he'd ended up on a flight to Florida in the early hours of Saturday morning, determined to get a chance to make this relationship with Nick work out. He was falling for him, but like Richie, Nick hadn't quite gotten the attention that he deserved as a part of Jeff's life when they were just starting off dating. So he'd let Caden and the second understudy know that he would be out of town unexpectedly, just in case Justin couldn't perform for whatever reason, and hopped the first plane he could get.

Once he'd arrived in Florida, he took the address that he'd gotten from Curtis, and hailed a cab, handing the address over to the driver. The nervous feeling in his stomach was overwhelming, but Nick had said he needed passion and fun... two things that Jeff was usually never lacking in, but clearly hadn't been providing in the relationship. And he couldn't think of anything much more hardcore than flying to Florida from New York to see the person that he cared about. A quick stop off had him picking up some flowers, too, and then he was arriving in front of the beautiful Matheson home. He went to the door and rang the bell, nervousness overwhelming him to the point he was wondering if this was all a bad idea.

The door opened to what Jeff assumed had to be Nick's little brother... younger, but very similar in appearance, and Jeff asked for Nick himself. The younger guy turned to call over his shoulder for Nick, and Jeff stood there awkwardly, flowers in hand, hoping he wasn't going to get the door shut in his face.

Comments

[artsdesire]

Harry was 15 now. Nick couldn't believe it. His little brother was 10 years younger than him, but Nick still (and probably always would) see him as the little tiny rugrat running around tearing the place up when Nick was trying to study for exams and get his art projects done to perfection to get the best leg up from high school into a top art college. As it was, Harry just told him the night before that he lost his virginity two days ago. He had been excited as all fuck to tell his big brother that particular news, and Nick had to fight off the urge to pull the 'WHAT?! YOU'RE TOO YOUNG, GO DO YOUR HOMEWORK' card. Whether he liked it or not, Harry had his puberty, he had hit that age, and apparently had a boyfriend. Nick knew his little brother was gay. He had come out to his family about six months ago. Of course, it had been no big deal. He was content and happy in himself. That was all that mattered. At the time, Harry had grilled Nick about gay sex, but Nick still wasn't prepared for his youngest sibling to grow up.

So, needless to say, Harry was bouncing around the house like he was the Energizer Bunny on crack, and his boyfriend was going to be coming over some time that day to meet Nick. Which is exactly what Nick assumed the shout for him to come was about. "Yeah, yeah, I'm coming!" he called back from up the stairs. He had been in the middle of testing his BSL and giving himself his injection. He was dressed casually because he was going to go to the beach, despite being winter, to go do some sketching to try to clear his head a little. He bounded down the stairs and nearly tripped the fuck over when he saw Jeff standing there. He looked up at the ceiling with a sigh, mumbling, "For fuck's sake."

[lastfirstkiss]

The truth was, Jeff hadn't entirely thought out what he was going to say when he saw Nick, because ultimately, he didn't know how Nick would react to seeing him here at all. He had tried to plan for different possibilities, but ultimately, he was here now, and Nick didn't look all that impressed, but he also hadn't slammed the door in Jeff's face, so there was that window of opportunity, one way or another. He gave Nick a sheepish smile and held the flowers out to him. "I came here to tell you to your face that I'm sorry. And that I don't want to walk away from this without really giving it the chance and the attention that it deserves. And if you want to tell me to get lost, I'll totally understand. I just couldn't wait until you came back to tell you all of this. And telling you in a text wasn't good enough for me."

And now he was just going to stand in the door awkwardly, looking at Nick and hoping for some sort of answer that wasn't a Go fuck yourself or a You need to go. This was his last chance to try to get this right, and he was damn sure hoping that he was going to be able to pull it off. "I know it's probably really random, but I just... I had to try to get this right. I couldn't lose you without a fight."

[artsdesire]

"Oh, I do want to tell you to get lost. No mistaking that," Nick told him, giving him an even look. "The text would've been pointless too, because you cut those conversations off whenever we get to something important too. I get more valuable response out of my sister's gerbil." There was no doubt about the fact he was feeling bitchy after everything. He could have a bitch streak a mile wide when he needed to, and if Jeff was going to treat him like a twat, he was going to get treated like one in return. "How many chances do you fucking want? I'm pretty sure I've been more than generous with those."

Harry came bounding back down the stairs then, backpack on, earbuds in and Nick grabbed him by the sleeve as he tried to pass and plucked one of the buds out of his ear. "Hey, Mom asked you to call to call Nonna to tell her about your award for dance before you go anywhere, Haz. Don't make me post those baby nudie pics on Facebook. You know I'll do it. Put these in some water," he added, taking the flowers from Jeff and passing them off to Harry. He took Harry's phone from his pocket and handed it to him also. When his baby brother was on his way, albeit with a frustrated teenager sigh at being cockblocked on his way to do teenager things, Nick was back to looking at Jeff.

[lastfirstkiss]

"I'm pretty sure you're well within your rights on that," Jeff replied. "I haven't exactly put my best foot forward, and I'm well aware of that. I also knew that texting wasn't going to help much, so I came here to talk to you face to face... what I should have been doing from the start here." He didn't argue against Nick's bitch streak, because he'd brought it all on himself and he knew that. It was deserved. He'd copped it from Richie, too, and both of them had every right to be pissed off at Jeff for things lately. But all he could do now was try to clean things up the best he could and save the relationships he had with people he cared about... if there was anything left to save. "Just one," Jeff finally answered. "One more chance, and if I don't get it right this time, you can walk away and I won't follow again."

Nick's brothering skills were clearly well above par... actually kind of reminding Jeff of Alex when they were younger. But then the other guy was looking at him again, and Jeff knew that he had to speak now or forever hold his peace, all wedding style. "All I ask is for a chance to talk to you, and if, ultimately, you still want me to go, I will. I'll get a flight back to New York tonight. All I ask is just hear me out first. And after that, it's up to you. I mean, honestly, even that part is up to you. You can clearly send me back right now if you want. I just... really hope that's not what you want to do."

[artsdesire]

Ultimately, Nick hadn't gone through with sleeping with Jeff. There wasn't enough spark there for him to feel like that was the natural next step with any of this. Nick wasn't really the casual sex type of guy. He did it occasionally, because he was a hot blooded and passionate guy who sometimes had needs. But ultimately, he was looking for a committed and loving relationship that could have the passion as well as all the other nice things that came along with that. To this point, he hadn't been convinced he had that chemistry with Jeff. Initially, he most definitely thought there was potential, then everything just hit a brick wall. There was only so much waiting a guy could do before the penny dropped you weren't at all high on the priority list. He had better things to do with his time than pine away for someone who put everything else before you.

"I've given you a lot of chances to talk to me, Jeff. All I'm getting a resounding 'no fucks to give' from you. I don't appreciate any conversation being cut off in the middle and I'm putting that straight to you. I found it offensive and it hurt. I don't care if you thought it wasn't going to sort anything out. Don't cut me off or you'll never see me again. All you needed to say was that we should talk about it in person, but you didn't even do that," he said, shaking his head. "Not feeling anything is worth fighting for here, so you're going to have to do better. I'm not looking for a part-time fuck buddy. I can get those anywhere."

[lastfirstkiss]

"I'm sorry," Jeff said, the apology genuine. "I know that I've had a lot of chances. And I know that I came across as careless. But I don't want just a random fuck buddy, either. I'm looking for something special. I felt like we connected in a way that could lead to something special, but then, I didn't put in the effort I should have. I could make excuses for that, but I'm not going to, because when you care about someone, you don't make excuses for not showing them you care. You just man up and do better. That's what I want to do, because you deserve it. Just in the short time we've known each other, I can already see that you're a great guy. You deserve to be treated like one. I promise not to cut you off anymore. I've made my share of mistakes and bad choices along the way. I don't have excuses. I just want to do better, because I want a chance to see if the spark we had between us at first could become something special. I think it could."

He was looking directly at Nick, because this was one of those things he really didn't want to fuck up. He had come far too close to fucking up his friendship with Richie, too, and that wasn't acceptable to him. Sure his job had changed, his schedule was different. But that didn't mean that was an excuse for falling down on what being a friend meant, or on what dating meant, either. "If you'll give me this last chance, I swear I'll make it worth your time," Jeff told him.

[artsdesire]

"Sparks don't turn into anything from nothing," Nick pointed out. He didn't think the dating thing was rocket science. Generally, the way it worked as there was a mutual attraction that made you want to spend more and more time with the person. That it began to take a priority in your life if there was a spark, and you worked to turn it into a flame. And sometimes, you met someone so special, the flame was there right from the start and it was undeniable. It burned so hard and fast, you couldn't enough of each other. Right now, having a sandwich and playing with a Slinky felt like it would be more appealing than giving this another go and it crashing and burning again. "You just blow so hot and cold. I have no idea how to take you."

He was heading out of the large foyer area of the house to go to the kitchen to put the kettle on. If they were having this conversation, he needed an espresso. Harry was sitting at the breakfast bar chatting in fluent Italian to their grandmother. He was a typical teenager with a million different things on his plate, but he was a good kid. His parents rarely needed to discipline him because he was already so disciplined with his dance. He wanted to succeed and he was committed to it. Their grandparents adored hearing about all their grandkids' achievements. But seeing Nick and Jeff come in, Harry got up and politely left the room after grabbing a bottle of coconut water from the fridge. "Do you want a coffee?"

[lastfirstkiss]

There was no denying the truth to what Nick was saying. Sparks were nice, but they didn’t carry a relationship beyond the first meeting or so. It was the spark that started the attention, but if no effort was put in going forward from that, there wasn’t going to be anything more than just that – sparks. “I know,” Jeff said with a nod. “I know that you can’t just snap your fingers and make a great relationship happen. Even though you wouldn’t know it to see the way I’ve acted lately. I’m sorry for that. But even with that, sorry isn’t going to fix anything. The only way to fix anything or move anything in the right direction is to step up to the plate and put in the effort that a relationship deserves. And I know I haven’t done that, but I’m here because I want to show you that I’m willing to go the extra mile, and I will.”

Nick’s brother looked so much like him that Jeff couldn’t help but shake his head a little. He looked a bit like his siblings, but not as much like them as Harry looked like Nick. He gave Harry a wave as he disappeared down the hallway, and turned back to Nick. “Yeah, a coffee sounds nice,” he said. He was exhausted from getting up so early for his flight, and coffee would probably help. He wanted to be able to sit here and have a real conversation, not be exhausted and struggling. “I bet it’s nice being back home with your family again. I remember you telling me before how close to them you are.”

[artsdesire]

At the coffee machine, Nick just sighed and shook his head to himself. This wasn't how any of this dating thing was supposed to feel and that was why he had been trying to pull the plug on it. It wasn't what he wanted, and Jeff could just move on and do his thing somewhere else. Nick was fine being single. He didn't need a relationship to complete him, he never had. He had one because it enhanced his life, not made it feel like it was just all slapped together like a dog'd breakfast. He didn't even know what he was supposed to talk to Jeff about right now. That easy conversation ability that you didn't have to think about seemed to have been completely eradicated. He felt awkward, he couldn't deny that. "You say 'stepping up to the plate' or 'put in the effort' like it some sort of weighted obligation you have to force yourself to commit to. If that's how this is feeling to you, then I just don't see the point in this, Jeff. No fucking relationship should be 'going the extra mile'. Can you hear yourself right now? Can you see why I'm not convinced any of this is worth sinking time into? If that's all it feels like to you, just go home. There's no point. I'm not doing any relationship that boils down to hard work just to get it to get off the ground and feeling like every friggen conversation is forced because you're obligated and fallen into panic mode when you realise I'm pulling the plug. Because that's all most of our shit has been lately."

At this, Nick just looked at Jeff from the coffee machine for a few lingering moments and then got onto making the coffee. If their 'relationship' had been working, Jeff wouldn't need to 'remember' him telling him how close he was to his family. He would know like second nature because Nick was in touch with them all every day. If this was a working relationship, Jeff would automatically be part of the family, no questions asked. He just didn't say anything to it. If Jeff couldn't get a clue as to why he was so pissed off about this whole thing, then they were just kidding themselves anyway.

[lastfirstkiss]

"It's not like that at all," Jeff protested, though he realized from Nick's words just how it had come across. "I don't think it's some hard, miserable job to date you. But I think you're worth my time and my effort... Worth doing those special little things that you're supposed to do when you care about someone. And I do care about you, Nick. I want to show you how much I care. It doesn't feel hard to want to spend time with you or anything. I understand why you're thinking that's what I meant, but it's not. It's just a matter of this being something that's worth it to me. You are worth it to me, and I don't want to just walk away from this without knowing that I gave it what it deserved... That's all I mean."

He paused, folding his hands over in front of him quietly. As a kid, he'd had pretty serious ADHD. It could still come out, but he'd learned ways to deal with it, as well as taking medication for it. And this was hardly the sort of situation where he wanted to let his ADHD get the better of him. It was important. Nick was important, and he had feelings for him that went above and beyond just thinking that he was a hottie... which was also true. Nick was clearly more than a little put off, and Jeff couldn't blame him for that. "I can't imagine how crappy I must've made you feel. I'm sorry, Nick."

[artsdesire]

"You think that, do you? You seem to do a whole lot of thinking and not a lot else. Excuse me for not wanting to put up with that shit. I'm pretty sure at this point, you need to just go back to New York and give me the space I need. I'm not sure what you felt like you were achieving coming here, but I promise you, you're not going to get what you want. When I look at you, I see your lips moving but I can't believe what's coming out of them, because I've already been a pussy waiting this long for it to turn into something special... I don't even know what that something is. Never even had a chance to work that shit out." The landline phone was ringing then and Nick picked it up and answered it while he multitasked making the coffee. It was his grandfather in Italy, obviously just having heard the news of Harry's phone call and wanted to gush about how proud he was of his grandson for his dance awards.

He held the phone to his ear with his shoulder and made the coffee at the coffee machine while he chatted in Italian to his grandfather. He assured him he was looking after himself, and that yes, Harry had done fantastically with his award. That was part of their family unit, you celebrated as a whole, no matter how many miles were between you. His granddad inevitably asked about his love life, because the older man hadn't, at all, liked Nick's ex when they had been overseas. He wanted him to find a nice, lovely and kind person to settle down with and enjoy. At this, Nick was looking at Jeff, really not convinced he was in the running for this goal his grandpa had. Instead, he just told his grandfather he had no luck yet, but he would keep him posted and they ended the call, expressing their love to each other. "Yeah? Maybe that's one of the biggest problems of all then."

[lastfirstkiss]

Jeff wasn’t going to stay and keep pushing Nick if it wasn’t beneficial, and it seemed to only be making things between them worse. He didn’t want to do that. He wanted to improve things, not make them worse. “If that’s what you want, then I’ll go,” Jeff told him. He wasn’t going to push. “I know that you have no reason to believe me, because I haven’t given you one. But that’s why I came here. I wanted to show you that I meant what I said. That I’m serious, and I’m not going to just walk away from you without giving this everything that it deserves. I want to have something special with you. And I know that what I’ve been doing isn’t going to sustain that.” He sighed softly and shook his head. “But I’ll go. If that’s what you want for me to do, I’ll go.”

“Maybe it is,” Jeff agreed, after Nick had ended the call… In Italian, which only took Jeff back to their first meeting. “I haven’t been thinking about how you’re feeling, and I should’ve been all along. You do deserve better than that, Nick. Trust me, I know. More than anything, I’ve realized that over and over again.”

[artsdesire]

Nick just wished it wasn't something Jeff had to 'realise'. This whole thing was depressing him, and on the tail of promising himself he wouldn't let another damaged relationship make him feel the way the one with his ex had. He was angry and upset, and it was why he needed the time to get his head together and figure out what he was feeling in his heart. His gut was telling him to abort mission, without a doubt. "I'm pissed off and I'm hurt and I need space. I told you that before I left for here. I told you I didn't want to talk to you, and I meant it. And I'm pretty sure after everything, I'm entitled to that. Stay if you want, I don't care. But I still need space to figure out if I could be bothered still trying to make any of this work when all it has been are false starts."

He pushed Jeff's coffee over the counter to him and picked up his own mug. "You can show you that you meant what I said by respecting that right now, I'm too pissed off to talk to you. Can you see what you did? You're trying to prove a point that you're going to be better by cutting off a text message conversation completely without warning. You pulled the plug again and I'm supposed to just be 'Yay, Jeff! Let's kiss, make up and fuck!'. No. That's not at all how I feel."

[lastfirstkiss]

Jeff took the coffee that Nick gave him. He wasn't a big coffee drinker anymore, but one didn't hurt, and he did like coffee, even if he didn't drink tons of it at a time. "Nick, I'm sorry," Jeff told him softly. "You're right. Coming here when you'd said you needed time away from me wasn't fair. I should've respected what you said. The truth was, I just didn't want to let this end without at least trying to show you how much I care. But ultimately, I wasn't taking in what you were asking for, and that wasn't right. Nick, I'll go. If you need space, my staying here and trying to push a conversation you're not ready to have isn't going to help anything. It's only going to make things that much worse, and I don't want that."

He took another sip of his coffee, because if he was going to be turning around to get right back on a flight, it only made sense to at least try to wake up a little. "For what it's worth, I didn't expect you to want to kiss, make up, and fuck. Not even close. I just hoped maybe we could start to talk things out together and maybe start to fix them. If we can't, that's okay. I get that, too. I just really wanted to try. That's all."

[artsdesire]

Nick threw up his hands in frustration. "Not only do you not actively converse with me until I'm telling you to piss the fuck off, but you don't listen to me. This is too much goddamn hassle for me. It's too messy and I don't like it. This is my family time. I told you that. Right now, there's nothing at all between us that I would remotely consider you as an extension of my family. And I just don't care if that's a hurtful thing to say to you, because everything you've been actively not saying to me has been as hurtful as fuck. I shouldn't have to ask for anything. Who wants a fucking relationship where you have to ask for shit for it to work? I certainly don't. I can't think of anything worse."

He shook his head. "Not on my family time. You haven't earned the right to cut into my family time yet. Not even close. It takes someone very fucking special and amazing to have that right." That could be what was upsetting him the most. Whatever it was he had been trying to make work with Jeff, there had been no immediate urge to tell his family about it and share it with them. That felt foreign and uncomfortable for Nick. It was what he based most things in his life on.