dreamlikenewyork | "Yes, it's true, just a connection to someone, something."

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"Yes, it's true, just a connection to someone, something."

Who: Jace Hartley, Autumn MacDonald, Casey MacDonald and Jesse Hartley
What: That awkward moment you have the same dad
Where: Cohasset, MA
When: Afternoon after THIS

Jace had forcefully begged Evan to discharge Jesse before medically advised. His argument was that it couldn't be against doctor's orders when he lived with the freaking doctor. He had just needed Jesse home, because trying to process all this in hospital with a fucked brain wasn't working. Then, lying awake together in bed the night before, Jesse said if he was going to meet his real father, it had to be now so the guy saw him at his worst. He didn't want to get so far into the process that he thought he had a perfectly functioning illegitimate son, only to get freaked the fuck out by the epilepsy. Jesse had already gone through way too much rejection in his life to be dragged through a hell like that.

So, Nana came to the rescue again when Evan couldn't get the shifts off work and she drove Jesse and Jace to Massachusetts, to a little town called Cohasset. It was a long drive, and Jesse was completely wiped out with Jace not far behind. But this had to be done, or it was going to drive Jesse crazy. Jace didn't know how well his husband was coping with it. Jesse just seemed numb in shock, and probably would struggle to actually believe it until he met his real father, saw what he looked like, what sort of a man he was.

Nana was waiting in the car in the drive, and would wait there for them as long as they needed, she promised. Jace as holding Jesse up around the waist and adjusted his messenger bag over his other shoulder so he could reach up and ring the doorbell. He kissed Jesse's cheek, hating how ill he still looked. "It's going to be okay, whatever happens, baby. I promise. I'm here," he murmured to him while they waited for someone to answer the door.

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Jesse's hands were a little shaky when he accepted the glass of water, but it was with much gratitude. He met Casey's gaze when he sat beside him and then offered up these obviously extremely difficult details about his father. And he was crying, but who could blame him for that? If there was one thing Jesse was fortunate to be blessed with, it was compassion. It was why he loved his job. If what they were saying was true and accurate, losing their father had to have been a huge impact on them and probably still very painful. That was why Jesse felt bad intruding on them like this. He hadn't expected to hear this man had died. In fact, he expected to come here and to be told it wasn't true, because that would have been the easier option. None of this was easy. If he was feeling better, he would have been better equipped to process it. He just couldn't believe any of this was happening.

After sipping the water, he nodded a little and was losing the battle with his own tears. He wished he had a chance to meet this guy, and wondered how it would have been if he learned all this and he was still alive. This hurt more than if he had been rejected outright, and it was still screwing with his head that he had more siblings when he had absolutely no relationship with his younger sister. His parents succeeded in turning her against him, saying he was a sinner. She was already on the same path they were. "I'm really sorry about all of this. I only found out yesterday, Jace just the day before. Normally I would... deal better. I don't know. I've been sick lately, that's all. None of this is... I-I just don't have a good relationship with my own parents. Or any. They disowned me because I'm gay. I guess I just hoped..." he tried to explain, but still felt like he was invading their private space, their privacy, their home.

This was probably the point they could use a little more elaboration on the subject. Jesse was really trying here, but he was so drained. Thank fuck they weren't just rejecting him and turfing him out. He had gone through too much of that already. If that happened, Jace wouldn't have been accountable for his own actions. He managed to inherit Evan's protective streak now he had his perfect match who was the love of his life, and he would do anything he was humanly capable of to take care of him. But damn, did he need a lie down and a sleep because his own head was feeling like it was spinning. He had reduced brain capacity at his disposable on a good day, but after this last week, he probably had the cerebral functionality of a jellyfish.

He stood by Jesse, still softly feathering his fingers through his hair to soothe him, even just a little, while he listened. He watched Casey and then glanced back to Autumn. "I don't know how much you know about us. I know it can be a small world sometimes, and I see to get into some notorious situations. We've probably got a lot of connections along the line. Like, Reecy. Jude and Lorenzo are two of my biggest customers. And, um, Maggie and Scott. Jesse's best friend Damien is engaged to Scott's brother. My best friend's little brother is Justin's best friend. The list goes on, so I know this is all a mindfuck. Trust me, I'm an expert in mindfucks." He pointed to his head. "Brain injury, that's what caused my epilepsy. Jesse has it too, we actually met in a doctor's clinic. But his was caused by meningitis when he was a kid. Seven years old, which is where these copies came from... those medical records. He's been in hospital because he's had a couple of bad seizures this past week."

Autumn reached through the rails on the stairs to rub Casey's back, because this was still a painful and heavy thing for him to carry. He had been incredibly close to their dad -- maybe more so than any of the rest of them, because their interests were so similar... even down to Casey's dream of being an architect someday, just like Dan had been. And it had been Casey who'd seen their father die, while begging him not to, a pain Autumn couldn't even begin to imagine. She wouldn't interrupt Casey as he tried to bond with Jesse, even in some small way. This guy who she knew, if only by reputation and brief meetings, was her big brother, just like Casey and Callum. Instead, she waited until he was finished to let Jesse and Jace speak, too. This was a huge thing for all of them, and that meant that they needed to take it all into account.

"Casey's gay, too," Autumn replied with a shrug. "Our dad's only concern with who any of us slept with was always that they be good people and treat us right. He would've loved you, Jesse. Our mom will love you, too. She's going to want to get to know you guys. You're a part of my dad, and the two of them loved each other like crazy. But we're going to take that as it comes. No rush." She patted Jesse gently on the shoulder, not wanting to upset him or make him feel any worse. "Our other brother Callum is really awesome, too. I'm sorry you grew up with shitty family who don't like who you are, but I can promise you, that won't be the case here. Cross my heart. If you want us to be your family, I can at least speak for myself and promise you that I will be. I can't speak for anyone else, but I know my mom and brothers pretty well, and I'm pretty sure I know how they'll feel about it, too." She glanced at Jace, shaking her head in disbelief at all the close connections. "Casey's boyfriend is Maggie's youngest brother, Sonny. He's here, but he's asleep. Not feeling well at the moment."

That was something Casey just couldn't fathom... having parents who literally turned their back on you because of who you were. You didn't make yourself gay. You couldn't turn gay. You just were. Casey never really had any distinct 'coming out' because he never needed to. Callum knew he was gay before he even knew himself. He picked up on the fact Casey wasn't into guys like he was and tossed the idea out to Casey that maybe he was into guys instead and hadn't really thought about it yet. It was true too. From there, it just evolved and there was nothing to question. He just liked boys, and Callum liked girls. Or, to be more accurate, Callum actually swung both ways but he had only officially dated girls so far. How could parents reject their child?

And with Jesse sitting here like this, and the way Jace was scrambling to try to explain for him, there was no way Casey could harbour any hostility for them. Of course their father had a single bachelor lifestyle before he started his family. He had been a really loveable guy. This was just as hard as fuck for him because he struggled. "You guys are married. I'm glad you got that far to know you don't have to hate yourself just because you think your parents don't accept you. I just... I need you to know right off that Dad's death was really fucking hard for me. How it happened, and all that. I... I didn't cope. I've actually been diagnosed with PTSD after what happened, so sometimes, I might just lose my shit or need to just not talk about Dad sometimes. A lot of the time. Sometimes I need to just go away and not be near anyone. I don't want you guys to think it's anything you've done or said, that's all. This is weird and I don't really know how the fuck to process it, but we're not just going to turn you away. Not if you're family."

"I'll get a DNA," Jesse insisted. Damn, he had the biggest headache known to man and it was like his brain was swollen and trying to reject anything else going into it. "Not because I think you guys need the actual proof like I'm ignoring everything you're saying here. I'm not, I promise you that. I just need it for me, because I'm really struggling to take all this in. My whole life has been caged in religious ideal, that what is in the bible is dictatorial and correct. Anything else is wrong. They wanted me to marry a girl from our church, and have children within the first year of marriage. That was something expected of my parents too. They told me about it all the time, because it took them three years to have a kid..." He paused with a shake of his head. "And now I hear that apparently Dad didn't even do the fucking job at all. There's ten years between my sister and me. I don't know why I'm so shocked to hear I'm not his. It's just when you have those pressures forced on you for so long, it's really hard to shake yourself out of it. I would be in a very dark place right now if I hadn't met Jace."

He took Jace's hand and kissed his fingers softly, because he was so fucking grateful this angel came into his life when he did, helped him turn that corner of the bad place he was in... poised with a ticket home to South Carolina to do exactly what his parents tried to force on him because he felt so lost and alone here in New York. "I... I can't even begin to imagine how any of you coped with losing your dad. Or being there when it happened. This is why I feel terrible just landing on your doorstep like this. I didn't expect it to go down like this. I didn't really think much about it. I just knew if I didn't act now, I never would. But then it would eat me alive wondering about him. And Jace doesn't deserve having me miserable like that over something I could have sorted out from the get-go. Most of my life, I've felt disconnected. Like something was missing. Now I know why."

Jace crouched down in front of Jesse again when he started to talk, softly rubbing his back with soothing circles and was ready to take the glass from Jesse if his hands were too shaky to keep holding it. "We've only been married just under three months. We'd been together a year and a bit before that. If there's one thing we both understand, though, it's trauma. We know you don't just get to flick a switch in a few months and it's all better. It changes you a lot. Some days, life's just too hard to face. I get those sorts of days all the time. Either everything pisses me off because I'm pissing myself off out of frustration, or I don't even want to get out of bed because nothing seems to be working. It's going to be heavy having us in your life, so don't think for a minute that it's going to be a tough gig getting to know you guys better after what you've been through. It's just a meeting of minds, and it just so happens that mine is very broken, Jesse's can be semi broken, and Casey's is probably battered and bruised. We get how hard it is, and some days, it will be really fucking hard."

He kissed Jesse's forehead and sighed softly because there was no way to shield Jesse from the difficulty of this and the struggles of taking it in and accepting that things were going to be different now. For all of them. "You can ask us anything. I mean, between us, we'll probably have the answers on some level. Jesse's mother is a real piece of work, though. When I confronted her about this, she wanted to try to make out like he was flawed, gay, and being punished by god because he shouldn't have been created out of wedlock or some bullshit. It wasn't her genetic fault he was gay and non-conforming, it was clear your dad's fault. Jesse's been made to feel like he's not wanted or is damaged for just being himself a lot, so coming here today has been a really huge hurdle to try to get over."

"Look, none of this is an easy thing for any of us," Autumn said. "I mean, our dad's been gone a while, but in a lot of ways, it still feels like we just lost him and it's really hard for us. But trust me, I'm pretty sure that none of us negates how hard this has to be for you. It was really brave of you to come here, Jesse. I'm not sure I could've done it in your place. I just wish we could give you the dad you should've had instead of just our memories of what he was like. There's so much... We could never begin to really explain everything about him, but we can tell you the parts that mean the most to us. And we can sure as hell assure you that he was an amazing guy, and it's pretty damn obvious he passed that down to you." It was obvious to her how much Jace and Jesse loved each other in the tender way that Jace was comforting his other half. "None of us are going to just be able to snap our fingers and make this an ideal situation, but we can all figure out what's next together."

"It might be our dad's fault," she teased with the slightest hint of a playful smile. "I mean, he has a pretty impeccable record of making queer babies... and atheist babies. I'm the only totally straight one in the family, and even then, that doesn't mean I've never experimented with girls. Dad's babymaking skills were clearly not up to Christian snuff. But he would've wanted you, Jesse. Just exactly the way you are. Epilepsy and homosexuality and anything else that lead to awkward moments down South. No offense, but your mom sounds kind of awful. No wonder you feel like you're not wanted." She shook her head. "We'll find our way to deal with this, no matter what we do, Jesse. We're a pretty close-knit family. We stick together, and we stick up for each other. You're one of us, so that means we'll stick up for you, too."

Casey had always been the quieter one of their family. Autumn was an actress in all her glory who demanded a lot of attention growing up, no matter what it took. Callum's place was behind the camera, and he was a bit of a party animal but not to the detriment of his work. Casey had been the quiet and unassuming artist, okay to let his brother and sister step forward and shine. So, he was sitting here now quietly processing everything, trying to decide what it meant for them all, and as a family. They weren't just finding out they had another brother, they were getting Jace too, and Jace's family would be connected with theirs by default. Plus, they both had illnesses, so it was going to be a lot of trial and error understanding that. He knew nothing about epilepsy except that it meant a person had fits. Jesse had a few of those recently and now he looked like hell, so there was obviously a lot more to it than just having fits. Jace mentioned he had a brain injury too, so that had to be huge.

Casey was overwhelmed but he wasn't freaking out. It was more just a bewildered sense of WTF and now starting to feel like he wished he knew Jesse sooner. "Um, did you guys come all this way from New York just now? Because that's a hell of a hike. Do you want to come sit down in the living room where it's more comfortable and we can make a tea or coffee?" he suggested, pointing behind him with his thumb. "Dad designed this whole home. It's pretty epic. His most cherished project ever, and it fits our family like a glove. But you want to know something? All along in the design process, he was so insistent there had to be two extra bedrooms. Mom always said no, we only needed one guest room, but he said we needed an extra one. So, when you come here to visit, you can stay over."

That was seriously amazing for Jesse to hear. When they had pulled up, despite not feeling well at all, he had admired how gorgeous and huge the house was. Even the gardens had been perfect. So much love had to have gone into this, to have made it perfect in every way for his family. How had everything been turned upside down to this? It felt like it was something that should be happening to someone else, not to him. You heard about these sorts of things happening, but he never thought he would be one of them. The father he always knew wasn't his father. This whole time, it was another man who created him. One who had amazing talent to design this home, to make a beautiful family who adored him. How did it have to be him that died? It was the same cruel, cruel twist of fate that had Jace being hit by a car, or Beau getting cancer twice in his life. It didn't seem fair, and Jesse was very close to just sitting there and crying because it was all very overwhelming.

Thankfully Casey was inviting them to stay for a little while and move to somewhere more comfortable. Sitting on the stairs definitely wasn't ideal for him. "Tea, please. If that's okay? We can't drink coffee. Caffeine can be a trigger. This place, it's... just incredible. This town feels so welcoming, and you guys. You had every right to be completely freaked out by this. To be angry, to be... anything but welcoming. You're just like... you're like the Turners. This past year and a bit of my life, I've been completely welcomed into their family, and I knew this is what it should have felt like all along. Not like I was fighting against every part of my life just to get some peace and feel like I had somewhere to belong. Not without it's trials, though. It was a really hard thing for their family to let someone else into Jace's life and trust that they had his back, and I know it's going to be the same for you. But I just want you to know that I'd never want to cause you anymore pain, and honestly if this is too much after your dad's death to handle, I'll completely understand if you can't face this."

Edited 2015-05-04 12:26 (UTC)

Jace could see that Jesse was shivering sitting there. It wasn't so much that he was feeling cold, just that one of the downsides of the post seizure phase was that he felt the cold much like you did when you had the flu. "Your mom's lucky I didn't choke her with a bible," he offered bitchily because he couldn't hold it all back. He was taking his leather jacket off so he could help Jesse into it to keep him warm. He had been really shaken and upset by the encounter with his Jesse's mother in South Carolina. It had actually disturbed him to see it in action, see how much this woman was so self-focused on her own reputation because she believed some story in a book was more important than her own son. Though, now all this had come out, Nana had pointed out that she probably resented Jesse quite distinctly for being a constant reminder of how much she screwed up in the past. To the point all she saw was his flaws and ways he wasn't the good little religious boy he was raised to be. He had been for awhile. He had conformed, stifled down the most beautiful parts of him, but then he needed to escape because he was dying inside.

"You don't have to offer them an escape route, baby. They don't need one. Even if this is hard, family doesn't quit on you when shit gets tough. And if they do, they're not your real family. Can you stand for me? Here, take it slow," he urged gently, taking Jesse's hand and wrapping his other arm around his waist to help him up off the step. Once he was up, he stayed standing with him for a few moments until Jesse got his bearings being back on his feet again. The inevitable dizzy spell would hit, like how you felt when you got up too quickly sometimes, but with the added pressure and pain feeling in your head with the accompanying few moments of wondering you were about to lose your lunch. "You're a part of their dad they didn't even know they had an hour ago. No one with heart would just be all 'Cool story, bro... see ya' later'."

"Casey's right," Autumn agreed with a smile. "We can definitely sit down together and get more comfortable. We have plenty of tea. Mom's kind of a tea fiend, so she has all different kinds. Something light on the caffeine for you guys, though. No worries. And he's right about the other room, too. Mom never understood why Dad wanted two spare rooms, but he was insistent on it. Maybe deep down, there was a part of him that sensed there was someone missing in our family. One of the guest rooms is a little smaller, but the other one is the same size as the rooms he built for me, Case, and Cal. It's your room if you want it. Anytime you're here. You've definitely got a place here. You're our brother, of course you do. Dad wouldn't have wanted it any other way for you. The bed's big enough for you and Jace both." She gently patted Jesse's shoulder with a small smile. "You're our family, Jesse. We want you here."

Autumn listened to what Jace was saying and agreed with every word. "I can't wait for you to meet Mom and Cal. You'll love them, too. Mom's every bit as wonderful as dad was, and Cal's amazing, too. Here I was my whole life thinking I only had two incredible people for brothers, and all this time, I've had a third incredible brother, too. Jace isn't wrong at all. The last thing we want is you to disappear just as quickly as you showed up. We do want you to get to a more comfortable seat, though, because it's pretty damn obvious you're not feeling your best. That's okay, too. We don't mind you staying as long as you need. In fact, if at any point you don't feel up to talking and need to have a lie down, just let us know. We'll show you to the guest room and get you tucked in for a good nap. The beds are the comfiest of the comfy. You'll sleep like a baby here."

Casey led them through to the sprawling living room. Their dad never wanted a separate rumpus room for the kids to separate from the adults. He wanted them all to have a big enough space to be together, and the wall by the window had large baskets that had been filled with their stuff as kids because they all had such differing interests in toys. You could Autumn in one corner with her mini microphone singing 'Tomorrow' to an audience of stuffed animals and dolls, and Callum tearing up the carpet with his toy truck collection, while Casey would sprawl on a mat with a pile of colouring books and Lego. Casey couldn't help but wondering what Jesse's thing would have been when he was a kid. When Jesse and Jace were sitting on one of the sofas, he collected a blanket from the back of the armchair and gave it to Jace for Jesse so he could get comfortable. "What do you guys do? I mean, I really don't know anything about you, but I want to. What were you like as a kid growing up, Jesse? If you were sick so young, did that screw shit up for you growing up?"

He held his hand up. "Hold that thought for a minute while I grab the tea. And again, typical dad, he had this thingo installed so we don't even have to wait for a kettle to boil." He hurried to the kitchen and grabbed his mom's biggest teapot with some mugs, the sugar pot, milk and grabbed a packet of cookies from the pantry to put it all onto a tray to take through to the living room. "We have movies. Of Dad, I mean. Cal's always been interested in film. He's studying it at Harvard. He got a video camera when he was a kid, so he was always making home movies. There's loads. Um... right up to when Dad died. The funeral even, but let's not do that. It wasn't... yeah, I don't want to watch that." It was the second worst day of his life, second only to the accident that killed his father.

Movies of their dad? Jesse took a few moments to process that, wondering what it would be like to see the guy who was supposed to be his father as close to in the flesh as he could get. All this information was coming at him hard and fast. Casey's twin brother was a Harvard student, Autumn in a leading role on Broadway, their dad a top architect who did things like design amazing housing to perfectly match his family. There was a deep sense of regret and loss setting in for Jesse, a niggly emotional feeling in his gut that he missed out on all this. That would be something he would need time to work through, and luckily he had Jace. They would probably talk things out a lot in the coming weeks. Jesse was feeling like he needed a couple of weeks down time to just hole up with his husband and lick his wounds after all this. The rest would do them both a lot of good.

"Um... well... I was a stifled, obedient Catholic kid who jumped whenever his parents said how high, went to church three times a week, and bible study on other days. I was supposed to grow up and go into teaching like my father because he's from a long line of teachers. It was expected. But that was never going to happen. I wanted to be a nurse, and it was only because I got a scholarship that they let me do it. Which I did, and it got me away from them while I lived on campus, and then did my placements. I'm an RN with specialties in Emergency and Trauma nursing. But now after meeting Jace and having him become the most important thing in my life, I've started a course to become a Nurse Practitioner in Brain Injury Medicine. I take some casual shifts at the hospital when I can, and in six months, I'll work on placement in the brain injury unit and high dependency with brain-injured patients. Me falling sick just made them stifle me even more. They even pulled me out of Little League, the only social life I had as a kid, because they were convinced I got meningitis off one of the kids there... though now I realise it was probably more Mom thinking she was being punished for her sin." He scratched forehead, feeling self-concious because his upbringing sounded so completely weird to normal people, no doubt. "Don't worry, I'm 100% Atheist now. Completely shed all things religious because it brought me nothing but misery. I couldn't believe in any existence of god after hearing what Jace suffered through. Are you sure you would want to share your family movies with me?"

"Best nurse ever," Jace had to emphasise. Maybe he was biased, but he was also right. Jesse was officially his carer now. He was even in charge of Jace's financial business with his disability payments and what was remaining of the massive compensation and insurance pay-out he got once he was classified clinically disabled. He nursed Jace through the worst days of his illness, made sure he ate properly, took his medications exactly when he needed to. Not to mention all those really hands-on things Jace needed after he had seizures and had literally no functioning capacity. He tucked the blanket in around Jesse's lap and then settled into the spot beside him. "Jesse was one of Lewis' primary nurses after everything that just happened to him. He stayed for hours after each shift sitting with him so he didn't have to be alone when Lorenzo couldn't be there."

"And I'm a... well, a mixed bag sort of person. I can't actually officially hold a job because I can't have set hours. I also can't go to college or learn. I haven't done a single day of schooling since the accident because my brain won't retain structured fact. Um, I can look at something on a page and know what it says, but as soon as I look away, it's gone. The only way I can learn knew things is to do them over and over and over again until they form more of a habit to me. I'm okay with things like typing or writing or looking at stuff on the internet where it's just putting something down and not needing to retain what it actually is. The only part of my brain that seems to work completely is the artistic part of it. I design and draw, it's a sort of therapy. I have to do it every day to keep my brain functioning. I design bespoke fabrics for Ambrosiere and I design tattoos. I'm also a tattooist. My awesome boss trained me and I was able to learn how to do it by having free reign to ink without thinking about it. I design ink for people and, when I can, do the work for them." He gave Jesse a gentle nudge. "Your family too now, remember?"

Autumn smiled at Jesse as he sat down and Casey ran off to get tea for everyone. "If there's one thing to be somewhat grateful for in not growing up with us, it's that you were never coerced into one of my performances. Casey and Callum always got stuck being the Cowardly Lion and Scarecrow or something... Then again, I bet you would've made a perfect Tin Man, and then we would've had a full set of us. All of us have always been different, but Dad and Mom always encouraged it. Did you always want to be a nurse? I probably would've had you seeing to all my stuffed animals back then. You know, whenever they got booboos or something." She smiled as Casey returned with the tea and cookies, giving her brother a little pat on the shoulder. They were a touchy feely family overall, and Autumn could only hope they wouldn't overwhelm Jesse and Jace, though it appeared that they, too, were the touchy feely type. "A Nurse Practitioner in Brain Injury? That's pretty hardcore. I remember Rosie telling me how you were Beau's nurse, too. All the Greshams are really close, and Maggie always teased me that I was their long-lost sister, because I'm a ginger, too."

She took a seat on the sofa next to Jesse and gave him a nod. "Of course we want to share the home movies," she said, giving his arm a soft squeeze. "You're our family, now. And Dad... We can tell you about Dad all day long, but it won't be the same as you being able to see him on film... You have to hear his laugh. It's the best laugh in the world." She couldn't help it -- she was tearing up then, not only because she missed her father herself, but because Jesse would never be able to hear his laughter in person, or be hugged by him -- he really did give the best hugs ever. "I'm so sorry you didn't get to know him, Jesse. But we'll make sure that anything we do have to show you, we will." She glanced over at Jace with a smile, "I've seen lots of your work. You're brilliant. I can't wait til I actually get to sit down with you and have my ink done, too."

Casey perched on one of the armchairs while he listened closely to what Jesse and Jace were saying. He was also suddenly worrying about how Callum would deal with this. Callum was a bit of an enigma sometimes. Casey had always thought he was the stronger twin, being born first. Because of that, he took on the big brother role of the family. "Um, how old are you? I can't tell if you're older or younger than me. Or if Jace is older or younger." The things they were learning about Jesse here where amazing. He was a nurse, which was admirable to start with, but not just that, a nurse in trauma and emergency medicine. The things he must see. Then to top it all off, he was further specialising now in brain injury medicine because of Jace and Casey was really just sitting there gaping for a few moments because he felt his cheeks heating up. He hadn't even been able to cope with college or any of his ambitions after their dad died because he had been going to follow in his footsteps, and probably even take over the company now. He hadn't been able to do anything since their dad died.

Then Jace had these incredible cool jobs, even if he didn't call them jobs, without even having gone to college, which was comforting. There was also the fact he and Jace both had artistic tendencies towards art. That was what Casey had lost himself in after their father's funeral. Photography, trying to see the world in colour again and not just a miserable monotone. He still hadn't found the right recipe. He was still battling depression every day. Could all this change things? When all was said and done, he would have a new brother in the city with him and he was finding himself wanting to spend more time with Jesse and get to know more and more about him.

"I've just turned twenty-five and Jace has just turned twenty-two. April Fools baby," Jesse explained with a tired laugh and a point at Jace. "My birthday was only three days ago, but I was completely out of it in hospital. All this happened really early in the morning of it, I think. I've mostly lost track of the days, but Jace told me on the trip up here. We'll be three months married on the fourteenth of this month. We got married on Valentine's Day. Seriously the best day of my life," he had to add, looking at Jace with an adoring smile that he could never stop. No matter how hard things were, he never stopped thinking how lucky he was to find his soul mate. How amazing it was that he and Jace matched so well. They hardly ever had actual arguments and the only conflict that really arose between them was when Jace was having bad days and his moods were affected. Though, it was usually Evan who was on the receiving of that and more recently, Christian copped a serve.

He took Jace's hand and loosely let their fingers entwine now he was actually sitting somewhere comfortably that was neither in motion or hard on his butt. "I nursed Beau, yeah. It gave him a lot of leeway to be discharged from hospital earlier. He had already been in there so long and his family needed him home. It's the best place to be after you've suffered such an emotional onslaught as cancer. But it also gave me freedom to take care of Jace. He fell quite ill at the end of last year over Thanksgiving. He was unconscious and stuck having repeated seizures for quite some time. It gave me a timeout from the hospital and some wiggle room to plan our wedding. Trauma can be quite taxing."

Jace brought Jesse's hand up so he could kiss his fingers. "We're going to make up for that too. Soon, when you're feeling better. I still feel awful that I slept through you getting sick and you were just... lying there. I've barely been able to sleep since, save for after I got back from South Carolina and my brain just gave up the ghost for awhile and didn't want to deal with the emotions anymore. I literally do not remember arriving back in New York or even getting to my bed. I just woke up the next morning feeling hungover and knowing I had to come tell you what had happened. Then I knew you wouldn't come here if you had any time to analyse it once you started to feel better..."

He glanced towards Autumn and Casey. "That wouldn't have been anything against you guys. Jesse doesn't want to burden anyone. He's had a lot of hard knocks by people not supporting him for various reasons, including his illness. He was scared to come here to you guys, or to you dad. We didn't expect it to happen like this. But he wanted to come now, when he was still ill because then he would have known right up if your dad didn't want to know about it, care about it, or deal with it. Like ripping off a band-aid. And it's not easy. The epilepsy thing is hard, and so is having someone in your family who is sick. It's really painful sometimes, and I know he's probably sitting here thinking he doesn't want to be the source of anymore pain than you have been through already. Because I know him. He puts everyone else before himself. When people hurt him, he feels like it's his fault and he deserved it."

"You two are so sweet you're gonna give me a cavity," Autumn teased, but entirely in the spirit of playful sibling teasing, with a big smile to make sure Jesse and Jace knew that it was only a joke. "Seriously, though, seeing you two making it work together after everything you've been through is enough to give a girl hope that amazing relationships do still exist. I kind of thought that Dad and Mom would pretty much be the ones from the last generation who got it right as far as relationships go, but you guys make it look pretty enticing." She got comfortable in her seat, watching her new found brother and his husband sitting there, working through the emotions this day had brought them.

"Well, just for the record, Jesse, you're not a burden to us. We know you're not well and it can be full on, but we're your family. I mean, I know we only just found out, and it may not totally feel like family yet, but none of us has ever given up on the others, and we don't plan to start anytime soon. But trust us... You leaving here without us getting the chance to know you better as our brother? Would be a hell of a lot more painful for us than adjusting to having a big brother who's ill. You're a part of our dad, Jesse... And we lost him, but any parts of him we can hold onto and treasure? We're going to do it as long as we can."

Casey watched Jesse and Jace with a small smile. He had been lucky finding Sonny. It had been purely by accident when they both were on the train moving to New York. Sonny had an infectious personality and he had brought some light into Casey's life when he really, really needed it... but not in a way he tried to deny Casey his depression and heartache over his dad. In fact, Sonny had been a rock for him, and huge source of support. He was easy to talk to. It sounded like Jesse and Jace had a similar sort of beginning, so Casey could appreciate it. It was just really hard for him to think about caring for a disabled partner. It had been hard enough trying to help Sonny with a gastro bug, but this was something Jesse faced every single day of his life.

"How do you do it?" he asked Jesse... or maybe even both of them... quietly. "Losing Dad nearly killed me. I've never stopped feeling like it should have been me. But you guys went through shit and you just make this work, you keep going for each other. And... and how did you get a brain injury, Jace? Jesse, you just know how to take care of him unconditionally because you're a nurse? Just... how do you cope with something this hard every day? I can barely get up most days. I have to talk myself into it. Some days, it doesn't work."

Jesse knew he didn't know the full story of this family, or even remotely close to that. That also meant they didn't know much about him, or his past. Now Jace's past, because Jace was his family. Along the way, they were going to have to open up about the really painful things, and Casey was trying to open those lines of communication here. They could small-talk for a long time and still learn things, but there was no right or wrong way to do this. It was all going to be hard. "Jace was hit by a car when he was eleven. Just over ten years ago. He was walking across the road to meet his best friend so they could walk home from school together. He was on the pedestrian crossing, with the right of way, and a drug dealer woman drunk and high on drugs just ploughed into him. It was horrific. He should have died. He was in a coma for many months, his family had actually been deciding about switching the life support off but they couldn't do it. The woman's son was in the car with her and he didn't realise she was trashed until she was in there. He ended up in a wheelchair, Jace came out of it with a bad brain injury which caused the epilepsy. You can't really notice it until you're looking for it, but Jace has scarring down the side of his face, the worst of it is hidden by his hair."

"As to how we do it? You can't choose who you fall in love with. Jace and me, we bonded over the same struggles and pain. Once you have that part figured out, it means you aren't alone and none of it seems as hard when you have someone who understands, who listens, who just holds you if you need to be held. The good far outweighs the bad. Jace's injury and his illness are just part of him. It means we hurt together, and that's how we do it. It has nothing to do with my nursing abilities. That just helps with the bare logistically stuff because he gets really very sick with the fits. Evan, who's a doctor, has been his carer for years. I've taken over now. Whatever happens, whatever turn his life was taking, he would still need a medical professional to be his carer. His medications all have to be monitored, some days he needs help shaving, showering, dressing. Needs help with meals, getting to doctors appointments... it's a big long list. It's just how it is. Beyond all that, he's the most amazing person I've ever met. He hasn't made my life harder, he's made it easier. When you find someone who fits you, you don't need to just deal with the pain. You still feel it, you just don't feel it alone," he explained softly.

Edited 2015-05-07 14:53 (UTC)

Jace was just nodding as he listened to Jesse explain it all. His hand was tightly holding Jesse's and his thumb was stroking his knuckles. Everything Jesse was saying was completely true, even if it was still hard for him to hear how much help he needed. It was never something you really got used to. You accepted it, because you couldn't change it, but you still wished you could be normal and didn't have all those incapacities or need to be a burden on anyone. For now, he knew it was important Jesse spent the time talking to the siblings he never knew he had, so Jace remained quiet, his eyes just trained down to his and Jesse's linked hands.

There wasn't even anything he needed to add at this point. Jesse was covering it fine and Jace knew that it was a special thing for him to be sharing with his new family so that they could build an appreciation for what Jesse's life was like. Yes, he was sex on legs with a smile, dimples, body and ass that wouldn't quit, but his life wasn't a walk in the part. He was a really hard worker, even still on the days he didn't have to officially work. The carer role was all of this and then some. Even when Jace was at his worse, Jesse had to feed him, help him use the bathroom, clean up after him if he was sick or messed himself when he was having a fit. No words could really cover any of that, and he knew Jesse was censoring the worst parts for Jace's modesty. You had none of that when you were an epileptic. Seizures stole all that from you. But if they were going to be part of Jesse's life, these were the things that were really good for them to be talking through and learning. "My dick still works, though. Just in case anyone was wondering about the disability in that area. Ours both work. Completely consummated marriage. Just not all of the time. Obviously we can't be having hot husband sex when either of us are like this. Besides, his stops working for awhile after a fit. My works, but I forget how to use it."

It was overwhelming for Autumn realizing just how much catching up there really would be to do over the next few days and weeks, months and even years. They had literally missed out on their entire lives with their brother, and Autumn needed more than anything to get to know him better. She wanted to have a special relationship with him like she did with Casey and Callum, and the more she listened to him and watched him with Jace, the more she knew she wanted to get to know Jace well, too. The two of them were broken in their own ways, but really? Who wasn't? Autumn knew that she was in her own ways... So were Casey and Callum. Especially since losing their dad. Maybe in the end this would be a beautiful thing for all of them... Having extra people to lean on when things got hard... extra love to go around.

"You guys... what you have is really something special," she said softly, thoughtful as she spoke. "So many assholes are in this world trying to pull all the focus to themselves and how hard their lives are, and the both of you are just... focused on each other. I wish more of the world were that way. It's kind of gorgeous." She meant it, too. They had been through more hell in their lives than most could imagine, but they'd managed to still be looking outward instead of drawn in on themselves... It was apparently how they'd ended up together... By virtue of the openness and kindness that seemed to very much be a part of both of them. "How soon did you guys know that each of you was The One for the other?"

Casey was kind of just sitting there like a stunned mullet with his mouth hanging open a little while Jesse explained what had happened to Jace. After the terrible accident that claimed their dad's life, Casey had felt alone and like no one could understand how it felt to have been in the accident. He had been trapped in the car with his dad and had to be cut out of the wreck, the whole time holding his dad's hand and begging him to be okay. It had been an horrific experience and one he had never been completely able to talk about. Everyone knew what had happened, but Casey had never been able to talk about the actual event. Now here they were hearing about Jace, who had been the victim of just as terrible a trauma. Casey had been lucky to escape the accident with no long-term physical injuries, but Jace had a brain injury that he would have for the rest of his life. And now they had another brother who was ill, and it was a hell of a lot to wrap their heads around.

He couldn't help but look at Jace to try to see the scars, but it was hard in this light and he didn't want to stare him down. He continued to just listen, taking in what they were both saying. Jace's clarification was amusing, without a doubt. They seemed like an incredibly connected and loving couple. That couldn't be an easy thing to pull off when there were challenges. Even with him and Sonny, sometimes things got strained when Casey had rough days. Sonny had learned it was best to just give him some space then. "Did your mom never even give you some sort of... sign, or anything like that about this? That you might've been our dads? I mean, I know that's got to sound like a stupid question. We've always been lucky to have had open and honest parents. I know that if Dad knew about you, you would have been in our lives. You both would have. Hell, Dad would probably have wanted to walk you up the aisle at your wedding. He... he would've been proud. He was proud of all of us. He would have wanted to know you."

Jesse did managed to give Jace an amused smirk at what he said. He couldn't have said it more accurately himself. Jace wasn't always the most filtered of conversationalists, but you got used to that when you were around him frequently. He was honesty and open, and if you happened to get him on a bad day, there was even less filter there. Sex could be a bit of an issue, there was no doubt about that. Ever since they met, they were both very physically affectionate and sexual with each other. Hell, other than a bit of sightseeing, their honeymoon mostly comprised of being naked and lying around their suite just relaxing together and making love. But it wasn't possibly when one of them were sick or had been sick. Their seizures were extremely draining on their bodies and they needed recovery time. It was hard when the time you really wanted to just curl up and seek comfort in the person you loved was when you weren't feeling the best.

"I knew pretty much straight away that Jace was special. He was different to everyone else. I hadn't talked to s single person in my life like I had him, and that was just the first day I met him. The last guy I tried dating was an absolute disaster. He didn't make me feel... much of anything except not wanted and a burden. In fact, it left me almost about to fly back home to South Carolina and just go back to a life of being what my family wanted me to be. By that point, all my life felt like was a constant fighting to just have someone give me comfort without feeling like I was in the way, not the right person, not good enough, not worth the effort. Then there was Jace. He struck up a conversation with me so easily and I was smiling within about a minute of him opening his mouth. I hadn't smiled in ages. There's not some big, elaborate identification of The One like a bolt of lightning from the big fairy in the sky. You just know in your gut you don't want to let them go. And he made me feel like he wanted me near him." He met Jace's gaze with a soft smile, still holding his hand. "No, nothing. But then I fell into line like a perfect Catholic son for most of my life. When I ran away to New York to try to escape the depression and suffocation I was feeling knowing I was gay, they refused to accept it when I told them. They told me while I was still going through that phase and until I listened to God's Will and admitted to my sinning of lying with a man, I wasn't welcome back there. And I'm... I'm sure your dad was amazing. I am. I don't doubt it. It's just very hard for me to fathom having a father like that. The one I grew up was very strict and very distant. Very patriarchal."

Over the recent months, Jace knew Jesse and Kevin had come to peace on some level with each other. Jace had spent a lot of time talking to Kevin and making sure he knew how he had made Jesse feel so that any further potential relationships Kevin jumped into, he wasn't going to risk hurting someone else. At the same time, nothing with Jesse had been an effort for Jace. It had just been so natural and easy. He didn't have a single worry of being epileptic with him, or being disabled. Jesse had just been beautiful, kind, honest, caring, tender. They were all things Jace needed, and could give in return. Yes, they had slept together the night of their first date, but it had also been in the wake of a whole day spent together talking, and then more talking when Jace invited Jesse back to his home. They had been going to watch a movie, but something between them sparked and they ended up sharing their first kiss... that didn't stop there. It wasn't even a 'It just happened' scenario. It had been a slow progression. The kiss had been amazing and then it got more heated and more deep. Then they were making out pretty heavily and hands got involved. They knew what was going to happen, and they knew that the next day, they would figure out what came next.

"I had a bad seizure the morning after our first date. We'd spent the night together but I woke up not feeling well. Which is basically all I remember until my brain stopped holding me hostage and he was still there. He had helped me with it, didn't freak out, knew what needed to be done. I knew then that there was no question at all that he could take care of me and I could be content and relaxed with him. Any times in the past I attempted to date - much to Evan's horror because he was poised to belt anyone who hurt me - I had been extremely on edge, and the guys didn't get it. It made me feel like the epitome of a disabled burden. Like no one would ever be able to see beyond the brain injured epileptic to me, just Jace. So, I guess our realisation about the whole The One things progressed differently to most people. But I just want you guys to know that to bring Jesse into your family with all this, you need to be really patient with him. Especially when he's ill. He's got a long, long history of being hurt and rejected, and I'm not going to let anyone else do that to him. Hell, it took me about three months before I started to let even Damien, his best mate, be alone with him again. That aside, it's very hard to process anything at a normal pace when you have epilepsy or recovering from seizures. There's no doubt your dad was a great guy, but all this is new to Jesse. He's never had anything that remotely resembles it. It took him a little while to be okay with even my family."

There was no doubt that Jace and Jesse had a beautiful relationship with the kind of love, dedication, and selflessness that any couple should aspire to. Autumn couldn't deny the fact that there was a tiny part of her thinking about Brendan and wondering if she'd fucked things up beyond the chance of repair, or if there was ever a chance of them dating and maybe finding something special of their own. It was something she was going to have to face one way or another eventually, but right now, she just wanted to treasure this time with her brothers and brother-in-law. This was something she had never dreamed of or imagined. When her parents had gotten married, her dad had become utterly devoted to his wife and kids, the picture of a great family man. It had never occurred to Autumn or her brothers to imagine his having been younger once, and having hooked up with random women on work trips. It was a lot to take in, but Autumn wasn't angry or hurt by it. As far as she was concerned, Jesse was her brother, and her dad's choices before he was married didn't effect her perception of him as her dad. It mostly just made her sad for Jesse that he'd never known what an amazing father he had. Casey was right... Their dad would've wanted to stand proudly beside his son on his wedding day, regardless of the genitalia of the person who he was marrying. Honestly, that was a hard thing to think of for her, because she'd been so sure she was going to share a similar moment of her own with her beloved dad. But at least she, Casey, and Callum, if they were ever married, would know that their dad, wherever he might be, wasn't judging them for their choices. Jesse hadn't married Jace with that knowledge... He'd married him despite knowing how much he was judged by his relatives at home, which said a beautiful thing about their love and their relationship.

"So from the start, you knew there was something special," Autumn replied. "And obviously the feeling proved to be true, because here you are... Both of you gorgeous and with a happy relationship, even if everything isn't always sunshine and lollipops. I know that it can't be easy letting us into things, either. Especially when you've both faced a lot of rejection and a lot of hurt along the way. But thank you for giving us a chance to be your family. We would've been from the very start if Dad had known, I can promise you that. We're pretty full on as a family, honestly. Lots of love and hugging and all that good stuff, but promise us you'll tell us if we're ever overwhelming or if you need us to just let you be alone or with Jace for a bit. We won't take offense. Casey sometimes needs the downtime with Sonny... I have my moments, too. I can be a bitch, and sometimes I just need alone time to chill the fuck out and stop being such a bitch. I know it's different, but everybody needs some time to themselves sometimes. If it makes you feel any better, Jace, I'm crazy protective of Case and Cal, even though they're older than me. I will be of Jesse, too." It was true, too. No doubt about it. She would kill for any of her brothers, without a doubt in the world. That included Jesse now, and she wasn't questioning it. He was her brother. End of story.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

"Yes, it's true, just a connection to someone, something."

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