Billy Ringo Willis (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
tomorrowneverknows) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
dreamlikenewyork2015-01-11 12:48 am
tomorrowneverknows) wrote in dreamlikenewyork2015-01-11 12:48 am
"I want to know, have you ever seen the rain..."
Who: Billy Willis with Reecy Chester (co-written) and then Ajay Bellerose
What: Operation: Ajay is Billy's world
Where: Vermont
When: After THIS
Five hours in the car with Billy as on edge as someone with OCD in a room with mismatched tiles on the wall was a long haul for Reecy. But true to her word, she didn't hesitate at all driving him to Vermont to get to Ajay. In the end, Ajay's long-lost brother had given Billy the address he needed and they hit the road about midnight. Billy didn't talk about much beyond explaining to her what went down with Ajay. In the process, more of Ajay's condition came to light beyond what he had told her at Caden's get-together that night. Like, the fact a bulimic's state of mind could be just as volatile as any person's with a mental illness.
That was when Reecy had gone quiet because of what happened with Winston. Here was Billy trying to cross borders to get to his man because he was worried about her, and she had tried to deny Winston that connection with someone he cared about. And who the fuck was she even to judge? She was single. She had been single a very long time. She had an abysmal hook-up at New Year with Billy's brother, who she still felt fleeting urges to castrate for making her feel like a cheap trick. After the conversation at the start of the trip, Billy's thoughts got scattered and he began to talk himself in circles with worry. So Reecy plugged in her iPod for some background noise and tried to coax him to sleep. Billy being the chivalrous guy he was (seriously, how the fuck were he and Jude brothers?!), he told her he couldn't sleep while she drove him all that way.
But now they had made it into Vermont, pushing 6am. They were parked on the side of the road with her hazard lights on in the pouring rain while Billy was leaning out the passengers side door when he told Reecy he felt like he was going to throw up... for the third time on the trip. All had been false alarms and still nothing was coming to fruition. Reecy rubbed his back soothingly. "You're just worrying yourself sick, chickie. C'mon, it's not far now. Do you think you're going to hurl or we're safe to keep going? I'll buy you a McMuffin from Mickey D's. Look at that sign post, see? He's practically in reaching distance. Don't fold at the last hurdle or I'll drag you up to his doorstep and dump you there."
Billy shook his head. He felt sick. He kept convincing himself he was going to be sick, but nothing happened once Reecy pulled over each time. He was just getting wet sitting there staring at the dirt under his feet. He swivelled back around in the seat and pulled the door shut. "I just have this awful sick feel lump in my gut that I'm going to get there and his dad or his stepmom will tell me he's not there. Then what? He's gone from New York. He took all his stuff from our place, and he said he was on a train going to Vermont. What if it was all a lie? What if he's dead? What if he Got off at a stop between New York and here, and threw himself off a bridge? What if he's at some diner somewhere eating himself to death? What if he gets sick again and should be at a hospital for help? What if the thing in his gut gets infected? I helped him with all that, you know. He couldn't really managing it on his own without it hurting, so I helped him..." he trailed off miserably.
Reecy pulled back out onto the road so they could try to make it that last bit of the drive. "Hey, don't build up a billion and one what-if scenarios until we get there and his dad says he's not there, okay? There's no reason to think he's not exactly where he said he was going. Think about what you want to say to him when we get there, and I'll try not to wet my pants that I am about to come face-to-face with Corbyn Bellerose. On the upside, Ajay said I could meet him so I don't quite feel like a stalker crashing your crisis. In fact, I'll just wait in the car. This is no time for stupid fangirling. I can meet him another time. It's all cool. Billy, did you fart again? Seriously?" she complained and hit the button to get her window down as much as she could without getting wet.
"Sorry, I can't help it. I'm nervous. My stomach does weird things when I'm nervous," Billy confirmed sheepishly. He was drumming his fingers on the arm rest and his leg was bouncing anxiously. "I have to try to somehow see him and talk him around in the next couple of hours so we can drive back for the show tonight. I quit my other job because I thought it was freaking him the fuck out. He thinks Gen hates him because they used to be really good friends and now the there's no room left at the inn or something. I can't afford to fuck things up with the show, it's my only income. I was going to move in with him. He owns his apartment in New York. His dad got it for him for his 21st birthday, and it's trendy as fuck and huge. I thought it was small at first, then he was just, like, nope, it's actually the TARDIS inside. He said Jude and I could live there rent-free because he owned it, and that would seriously take a lot of pressure off us, but I don't know... I... I... he seemed to be doing a little better, but then he's telling me on Facebook it's for the best he goes."
"Look, honey. If he's struggling psychologically, you're going to have road bumps. Look at Justin. There's not just one bump in the road and everything gets better. I'm not telling you how to suck eggs and be Ajay's boyfriend, but just see what the lay of the land is. For one, you can't make Gen talk to him. That's a ball in her court, not yours. Then if she does, she'll have to face Ajay's state of mind herself. If she doesn't, then well, maybe getting away from New York isn't such a bad thing if it's all still compounding on him." They had passed through the town that was written on the piece of paper Billy had, and Reecy was checking her GPS to make sure they were going the right way. The place didn't seem to be in the town, though. They were driving up a more rural type of street and then when they reached the address, it was just a set of large iron gates, some marble pillars and an intercom speaker.
Billy shared an uncertain look with Reecy. "Well... he's a big deal. Even if he's not making music anymore, he's still a classic celeb, right?" He got out in the rain and ran up to the intercom, pushing the button. "Uh, hi... I'm Billy. I'm looking for Ajay. I just... I need to know if he's here, if that's okay. Even if I can't come in..." He looked back at Reecy who was waving her hands and giving him bitchface. Because driving five hours to not see Ajay in the flesh probably was a stupid concept. A voice came back a few moments later with a, 'Come on up. Drive's about 700 yards to the house.'
"700 yards? What the fuck is this, Hogwarts?" Reecy asked incredulously once Billy was back in the car and the electric iron gates were opening up to let their car in. "And, hey, see? Wizard of Oz on the speakers there didn't say he wasn't here. It's a good start," she assured him, patting his thigh. 700 fucking yards, though. The more they drove up the drive, the more it revealed sprawling manicured gardens and then a huge circle drive with a fucking a fountain in the middle with rose bushes and freaking statues. "Man, I feel fucking cheep. Twice in as many weeks. I must be going for some sort of record..."
Billy just nodded, not realising it seemed like he was agreeing with her comment about being cheap. He didn't think she was cheap at all. In fact, he thought Jude deserved to get smacked because it wasn't how Billy himself was. Not that he was into girls. He never had been, not even a little bit. But he was a random casual sex person. He was an Ajay person, and his heart was aching over this whole thing because he felt like he failed Ajay. He felt like he fucked up, hadn't seen it coming, had been too engrossed in himself... any number of things. He promised Ajay he would look after him unconditionally, and he had failed him. Now, though, his dark eyes were looking up at the huge country manor house with his mouth hanging open as Reecy pulled the car up out front. At least it wasn't raining as hard now.
"Go. Go on," Reecy urged him, giving his arm a shove. She even went so far as to lean over and open the door for him.
Billy nodded again and got out of the car. Went up to the front door, which looked like it should belong on a palace somewhere. He rang the doorbell and then wiped his sweaty palms on his jeans, shifting his weight from one foot to the other. Then he had a moment of cold feet where he looked back to Reecy in a panic. When he was doing that, the door opened and guy with a walking stick was there in front of him when he looked back. The guy, for all intents and purposes, looked like Johnny Depp in Chocolat, if Johnny Depp had been a ginger and a little older. His greying red hair was pulled back in a ponytail and he had on black jeans and an old Queen t-shirt. He was leaning on the walking stick and had one of his hands nursed in against his chest like it didn't work. The stroke. It had knocked the guy out of the musical race before he even hit his prime. But that wasn't what had Billy's attention. It was how fucking much the guy looked like Ajay. Ajay had said he looked like his father and barely nothing like his mother. He wasn't wrong, and Billy was staring stupidly again until he realised it was rude and he had to say something. "I, uh... M-Mr Bellerose? I'm Billy. I... you don't don't me. I'm Ajay's..." He stopped, tripping up on his words and before he knew it, he was bursting into tears because the worry got too much and was fueled on no sleep, little to each, and sheer panic. "Is he here? Please tell me he's here," he sobbed.
"Corbyn, who is it?" came a female voice from up the massive sprawling staircase in the foyer leading up to the next level of the house. Then a pretty middle-aged looking lady in a plaid skirt and a cardigan with her loose mousy brown hair falling in curls around her shoulders appeared carrying a food tray with tea-making items.
"This is Billy," Corbyn explained to the woman who was probably Ajay's stepmom. Ajay had spoken kindly of her. He had spoken kindly of both of them, but said more than once that the whole eating disorder thing had been out of their depth. They tried to help, tried to understand, but could never fathom why Ajay didn't get better or kept relapsing just when they threw a lot of money at it out of helplessness and it wasn't rectified.
The woman's face fell into a sympathetic smile and she put the tray down on the decorative table by the wall. "Oh, Billy," she said, coming over to him and taking his arm to coax him inside. "I'm Sofie. Look at you, you're all wet from the rain. You'll catch your death. Would you like some tea? We should all have some tea."
"He doesn't want tea, love. He wants to see Ajay. Just show him upstairs so the kids can talk. Is he awake?" Corbyn asked and he had stepped aside so Billy could come inside.
Sofie had spotted Reecy in the car though and he was leaning down to see better, giving her a wave. "Hello, dear. Would you like to come in for tea? Don't be shy. There's plenty to go around. I'm Sofie. I'm Ajay's stepmom. Your friend doesn't have to wait in the car, Billy," she fussed, gesturing Reecy to come in.
Billy was overwhelmed and he was trying to sniffle back the tears so he didn't get snot all over the place. He was already embarrassed for crying to start with. It had been a really long overnight drive, and he was wet from the rain and miserable. He just watched as Sofie invited Reecy in. Reecy, who got out of the car so eagerly, she slammed her jacket in the door and nearly face-planted the door. She sheepishly righted herself and was bounding up the stairs where Sofie introduced herself again and then introduced Reecy to Corbyn. Talk about a fangirl moment. Reecy gave this goofy grin and giggled.
Corbyn, meanwhile, was inspecting the tray Sofie had been carrying with a frown. "He's not touched a thing." It wasn't at all accusatory. In fact, it sounded halfway desperate and halfway helpless.
Sofie collected the napkins that had been on the tray and gave them to Billy for his tears and snot. "Maybe a little later. He's still very tired from last night. Why don't you take Reecy in through the kitchen and put the kettle on, darling? I'll show Billy upstairs."
Billy watched as Corbyn nodded, striking up an easy conversation with Reecy about music as they walked away. Sofie patted his arm softly, and Billy looked back forlornly at the tray when she led him up the stairs. "I-I don't think he's expecting me. If he's asleep, that's okay. I just... I had to come see him. He was... was..."
"I can imagine, sweetheart," Sofie murmured as they walked through the place that seemed to go on for-fucking-ever because it was huge. "Ajay wasn't in the best of ways when he arrived yesterday. In fact, we weren't expecting him at all. We had the Emergency Department from the local hospital call us. Ajay had been taken off the train by paramedics because one of the passengers found him slumped over on the seat a few stops before ours. We just got home a little while ago and, well, why don't you just have a little chat to him, hm? You might have more luck talking to him than we do. He's never been a particularly chatty lad. We don't like to push him, see. He gets upset and then it upsets his dad. We try not to push him into those binges," she explained with a small, helpless sigh. "That's his bedroom at the end of the hall, darling. If you need anything, there's an intercom just beside the bed for the housekeeper."
Then she left, and Billy nearly called after her. Didn't she want to give Ajay the head's up that he was there? What if Ajay didn't want to see him? What if the break-up really was just that... Ajay wanting to break-up with him and trying to do it in the least mean way as possible? The place was so friggen quiet and still. If Ajay had gone from this peaceful country tranquillity out in the middle of nowhere to New York again, no wonder he got to a point where it felt like everything was out of his reach. Was this all just a cry for help when he felt like no one should (or wanted to) be helping him at all?
He looked at the bedroom door, and then back up the hall where Sofie had disappeared, and then to the door again. He knocked softly, but didn't wait for an answer. He twisted the door handle and pushed the heavy door open. Fuck... this was a bedroom? It was bigger than the entirety of Billy and Jude's apartment. It was gorgeous, there was no doubt about that. Beautiful luxury country estate décor with big bay windows looking out over the gardens. Then in the middle of the room was a huge, rosewood king sized four poster bed... with Ajay in it. "Ajay, I-I'm sorry. I know you didn't want... I just had to... I can go. I don't want to go, but I can if you don't want me here."
What: Operation: Ajay is Billy's world
Where: Vermont
When: After THIS
Five hours in the car with Billy as on edge as someone with OCD in a room with mismatched tiles on the wall was a long haul for Reecy. But true to her word, she didn't hesitate at all driving him to Vermont to get to Ajay. In the end, Ajay's long-lost brother had given Billy the address he needed and they hit the road about midnight. Billy didn't talk about much beyond explaining to her what went down with Ajay. In the process, more of Ajay's condition came to light beyond what he had told her at Caden's get-together that night. Like, the fact a bulimic's state of mind could be just as volatile as any person's with a mental illness.
That was when Reecy had gone quiet because of what happened with Winston. Here was Billy trying to cross borders to get to his man because he was worried about her, and she had tried to deny Winston that connection with someone he cared about. And who the fuck was she even to judge? She was single. She had been single a very long time. She had an abysmal hook-up at New Year with Billy's brother, who she still felt fleeting urges to castrate for making her feel like a cheap trick. After the conversation at the start of the trip, Billy's thoughts got scattered and he began to talk himself in circles with worry. So Reecy plugged in her iPod for some background noise and tried to coax him to sleep. Billy being the chivalrous guy he was (seriously, how the fuck were he and Jude brothers?!), he told her he couldn't sleep while she drove him all that way.
But now they had made it into Vermont, pushing 6am. They were parked on the side of the road with her hazard lights on in the pouring rain while Billy was leaning out the passengers side door when he told Reecy he felt like he was going to throw up... for the third time on the trip. All had been false alarms and still nothing was coming to fruition. Reecy rubbed his back soothingly. "You're just worrying yourself sick, chickie. C'mon, it's not far now. Do you think you're going to hurl or we're safe to keep going? I'll buy you a McMuffin from Mickey D's. Look at that sign post, see? He's practically in reaching distance. Don't fold at the last hurdle or I'll drag you up to his doorstep and dump you there."
Billy shook his head. He felt sick. He kept convincing himself he was going to be sick, but nothing happened once Reecy pulled over each time. He was just getting wet sitting there staring at the dirt under his feet. He swivelled back around in the seat and pulled the door shut. "I just have this awful sick feel lump in my gut that I'm going to get there and his dad or his stepmom will tell me he's not there. Then what? He's gone from New York. He took all his stuff from our place, and he said he was on a train going to Vermont. What if it was all a lie? What if he's dead? What if he Got off at a stop between New York and here, and threw himself off a bridge? What if he's at some diner somewhere eating himself to death? What if he gets sick again and should be at a hospital for help? What if the thing in his gut gets infected? I helped him with all that, you know. He couldn't really managing it on his own without it hurting, so I helped him..." he trailed off miserably.
Reecy pulled back out onto the road so they could try to make it that last bit of the drive. "Hey, don't build up a billion and one what-if scenarios until we get there and his dad says he's not there, okay? There's no reason to think he's not exactly where he said he was going. Think about what you want to say to him when we get there, and I'll try not to wet my pants that I am about to come face-to-face with Corbyn Bellerose. On the upside, Ajay said I could meet him so I don't quite feel like a stalker crashing your crisis. In fact, I'll just wait in the car. This is no time for stupid fangirling. I can meet him another time. It's all cool. Billy, did you fart again? Seriously?" she complained and hit the button to get her window down as much as she could without getting wet.
"Sorry, I can't help it. I'm nervous. My stomach does weird things when I'm nervous," Billy confirmed sheepishly. He was drumming his fingers on the arm rest and his leg was bouncing anxiously. "I have to try to somehow see him and talk him around in the next couple of hours so we can drive back for the show tonight. I quit my other job because I thought it was freaking him the fuck out. He thinks Gen hates him because they used to be really good friends and now the there's no room left at the inn or something. I can't afford to fuck things up with the show, it's my only income. I was going to move in with him. He owns his apartment in New York. His dad got it for him for his 21st birthday, and it's trendy as fuck and huge. I thought it was small at first, then he was just, like, nope, it's actually the TARDIS inside. He said Jude and I could live there rent-free because he owned it, and that would seriously take a lot of pressure off us, but I don't know... I... I... he seemed to be doing a little better, but then he's telling me on Facebook it's for the best he goes."
"Look, honey. If he's struggling psychologically, you're going to have road bumps. Look at Justin. There's not just one bump in the road and everything gets better. I'm not telling you how to suck eggs and be Ajay's boyfriend, but just see what the lay of the land is. For one, you can't make Gen talk to him. That's a ball in her court, not yours. Then if she does, she'll have to face Ajay's state of mind herself. If she doesn't, then well, maybe getting away from New York isn't such a bad thing if it's all still compounding on him." They had passed through the town that was written on the piece of paper Billy had, and Reecy was checking her GPS to make sure they were going the right way. The place didn't seem to be in the town, though. They were driving up a more rural type of street and then when they reached the address, it was just a set of large iron gates, some marble pillars and an intercom speaker.
Billy shared an uncertain look with Reecy. "Well... he's a big deal. Even if he's not making music anymore, he's still a classic celeb, right?" He got out in the rain and ran up to the intercom, pushing the button. "Uh, hi... I'm Billy. I'm looking for Ajay. I just... I need to know if he's here, if that's okay. Even if I can't come in..." He looked back at Reecy who was waving her hands and giving him bitchface. Because driving five hours to not see Ajay in the flesh probably was a stupid concept. A voice came back a few moments later with a, 'Come on up. Drive's about 700 yards to the house.'
"700 yards? What the fuck is this, Hogwarts?" Reecy asked incredulously once Billy was back in the car and the electric iron gates were opening up to let their car in. "And, hey, see? Wizard of Oz on the speakers there didn't say he wasn't here. It's a good start," she assured him, patting his thigh. 700 fucking yards, though. The more they drove up the drive, the more it revealed sprawling manicured gardens and then a huge circle drive with a fucking a fountain in the middle with rose bushes and freaking statues. "Man, I feel fucking cheep. Twice in as many weeks. I must be going for some sort of record..."
Billy just nodded, not realising it seemed like he was agreeing with her comment about being cheap. He didn't think she was cheap at all. In fact, he thought Jude deserved to get smacked because it wasn't how Billy himself was. Not that he was into girls. He never had been, not even a little bit. But he was a random casual sex person. He was an Ajay person, and his heart was aching over this whole thing because he felt like he failed Ajay. He felt like he fucked up, hadn't seen it coming, had been too engrossed in himself... any number of things. He promised Ajay he would look after him unconditionally, and he had failed him. Now, though, his dark eyes were looking up at the huge country manor house with his mouth hanging open as Reecy pulled the car up out front. At least it wasn't raining as hard now.
"Go. Go on," Reecy urged him, giving his arm a shove. She even went so far as to lean over and open the door for him.
Billy nodded again and got out of the car. Went up to the front door, which looked like it should belong on a palace somewhere. He rang the doorbell and then wiped his sweaty palms on his jeans, shifting his weight from one foot to the other. Then he had a moment of cold feet where he looked back to Reecy in a panic. When he was doing that, the door opened and guy with a walking stick was there in front of him when he looked back. The guy, for all intents and purposes, looked like Johnny Depp in Chocolat, if Johnny Depp had been a ginger and a little older. His greying red hair was pulled back in a ponytail and he had on black jeans and an old Queen t-shirt. He was leaning on the walking stick and had one of his hands nursed in against his chest like it didn't work. The stroke. It had knocked the guy out of the musical race before he even hit his prime. But that wasn't what had Billy's attention. It was how fucking much the guy looked like Ajay. Ajay had said he looked like his father and barely nothing like his mother. He wasn't wrong, and Billy was staring stupidly again until he realised it was rude and he had to say something. "I, uh... M-Mr Bellerose? I'm Billy. I... you don't don't me. I'm Ajay's..." He stopped, tripping up on his words and before he knew it, he was bursting into tears because the worry got too much and was fueled on no sleep, little to each, and sheer panic. "Is he here? Please tell me he's here," he sobbed.
"Corbyn, who is it?" came a female voice from up the massive sprawling staircase in the foyer leading up to the next level of the house. Then a pretty middle-aged looking lady in a plaid skirt and a cardigan with her loose mousy brown hair falling in curls around her shoulders appeared carrying a food tray with tea-making items.
"This is Billy," Corbyn explained to the woman who was probably Ajay's stepmom. Ajay had spoken kindly of her. He had spoken kindly of both of them, but said more than once that the whole eating disorder thing had been out of their depth. They tried to help, tried to understand, but could never fathom why Ajay didn't get better or kept relapsing just when they threw a lot of money at it out of helplessness and it wasn't rectified.
The woman's face fell into a sympathetic smile and she put the tray down on the decorative table by the wall. "Oh, Billy," she said, coming over to him and taking his arm to coax him inside. "I'm Sofie. Look at you, you're all wet from the rain. You'll catch your death. Would you like some tea? We should all have some tea."
"He doesn't want tea, love. He wants to see Ajay. Just show him upstairs so the kids can talk. Is he awake?" Corbyn asked and he had stepped aside so Billy could come inside.
Sofie had spotted Reecy in the car though and he was leaning down to see better, giving her a wave. "Hello, dear. Would you like to come in for tea? Don't be shy. There's plenty to go around. I'm Sofie. I'm Ajay's stepmom. Your friend doesn't have to wait in the car, Billy," she fussed, gesturing Reecy to come in.
Billy was overwhelmed and he was trying to sniffle back the tears so he didn't get snot all over the place. He was already embarrassed for crying to start with. It had been a really long overnight drive, and he was wet from the rain and miserable. He just watched as Sofie invited Reecy in. Reecy, who got out of the car so eagerly, she slammed her jacket in the door and nearly face-planted the door. She sheepishly righted herself and was bounding up the stairs where Sofie introduced herself again and then introduced Reecy to Corbyn. Talk about a fangirl moment. Reecy gave this goofy grin and giggled.
Corbyn, meanwhile, was inspecting the tray Sofie had been carrying with a frown. "He's not touched a thing." It wasn't at all accusatory. In fact, it sounded halfway desperate and halfway helpless.
Sofie collected the napkins that had been on the tray and gave them to Billy for his tears and snot. "Maybe a little later. He's still very tired from last night. Why don't you take Reecy in through the kitchen and put the kettle on, darling? I'll show Billy upstairs."
Billy watched as Corbyn nodded, striking up an easy conversation with Reecy about music as they walked away. Sofie patted his arm softly, and Billy looked back forlornly at the tray when she led him up the stairs. "I-I don't think he's expecting me. If he's asleep, that's okay. I just... I had to come see him. He was... was..."
"I can imagine, sweetheart," Sofie murmured as they walked through the place that seemed to go on for-fucking-ever because it was huge. "Ajay wasn't in the best of ways when he arrived yesterday. In fact, we weren't expecting him at all. We had the Emergency Department from the local hospital call us. Ajay had been taken off the train by paramedics because one of the passengers found him slumped over on the seat a few stops before ours. We just got home a little while ago and, well, why don't you just have a little chat to him, hm? You might have more luck talking to him than we do. He's never been a particularly chatty lad. We don't like to push him, see. He gets upset and then it upsets his dad. We try not to push him into those binges," she explained with a small, helpless sigh. "That's his bedroom at the end of the hall, darling. If you need anything, there's an intercom just beside the bed for the housekeeper."
Then she left, and Billy nearly called after her. Didn't she want to give Ajay the head's up that he was there? What if Ajay didn't want to see him? What if the break-up really was just that... Ajay wanting to break-up with him and trying to do it in the least mean way as possible? The place was so friggen quiet and still. If Ajay had gone from this peaceful country tranquillity out in the middle of nowhere to New York again, no wonder he got to a point where it felt like everything was out of his reach. Was this all just a cry for help when he felt like no one should (or wanted to) be helping him at all?
He looked at the bedroom door, and then back up the hall where Sofie had disappeared, and then to the door again. He knocked softly, but didn't wait for an answer. He twisted the door handle and pushed the heavy door open. Fuck... this was a bedroom? It was bigger than the entirety of Billy and Jude's apartment. It was gorgeous, there was no doubt about that. Beautiful luxury country estate décor with big bay windows looking out over the gardens. Then in the middle of the room was a huge, rosewood king sized four poster bed... with Ajay in it. "Ajay, I-I'm sorry. I know you didn't want... I just had to... I can go. I don't want to go, but I can if you don't want me here."