dreamlikenewyork | [ TEXT MESSAGE ] To Tara @ doctortara

Is he still unwell? I've been worried about him. I didn't want to call, I had hopes he would've followed by advice to try to get some rest.

He's not doing well, darling. He doesn't know I'm contacting you but I kind of need to pull rank here as his fiancé. If he wants to get pissed at me for it, I'll cop it. He is getting some rest, though.

I'm glad he talked to you about Brandon. I was hoping he would. Tell him to take a few days to rest. Brandon doesn't want to discuss anything further until after Merlin's surgery. They need time to process things and I know Beau does too.

I know he didn't want to break Brandon's confidence but I also know Brandon would be okay that he did, if he saw how distressed Beau was having to give him that news. I think it's stirred a lot up. He's just not feeling the best and I want him to stay in bed tomorrow. I might need to take him to see his therapist. His emotional battery is flat, I think. I'm taking the day off so he's not alone.

Honey, we all need to be able to lean on our spouses for support with the job we do. If we couldn't, we'd break. I think if there's one thing Brandon himself knows is how important our partners are when things are going to shit. Just the same as you know. I have to ask, honey. Do you think he's at any sort of risk of self-harm?

It's fucking unfair, Tara. How do you guys even do it? I've never known that. Seeing something that awful happen to good people all the time. Usually, Beau is incredible with it. He's so strong, he can cop a lot. But Brandon cuts very close to home. He's barely been in remission and it's happening again. At the moment, I'd say no. But that's why I want to stick close to him until he's feeling a bit better. I'm very conscious of the fact I was absent last time he did have thoughts of self-harm, though. He never told me who he told back then. But I've spoken to his brothers since we got back together about what to be on the lookout for.

I don't know if I can always explain how but I know why we do it. Because people who are staring death in the face, even potential death, deserve to be taken care of by people who are willing to go to battle for them when they aren't always able. Sometimes, the people who are best able to do that are those who have been there and know how so very exhausting and frightening it is. Exhaustion and fear make every so much harder. There's not a day on the job that goes by for me that I don't draw on the strength it took almost losing Lachie when he was shot. Of course, you don't saddle your patients with your own trauma. It does spur you on for them, though. And in that sense, Beau is an incredible sweet and compassionate oncologist. But there is also something we call Compassion Fatigue. Any carer, whether personal or professional, is vulnerable to it. Which is why when we see the signs of it, we have to be kind to ourselves too and take the time to rest and recover away for a wee bit. As a survivor, Beau has trauma triggers, aye, but because of the sort of doctor he is, he a wee bit more vulnerable to it. Him being upset and needing a timeout is absolutely not because he can't cop it, honey. It's because every human has a threshold, even those with higher thresholds than most because of what they've been through. It was Liam who Beau disclosed his suicidal ideation to. I know Liam would be happy to talk to you about what happened back then, just so you're aware.

Compassion Fatigue? I've heard of vicarious trauma but not Compassion Fatigue. If I Google, will I find info on it? I'd like to read about it. It sounds like something Beau could be at risk of. I always felt like if he wanted me to know about what happened back then, he'd talk to me about it. He's talked to me about a lot but not so much that, beyond telling me it happened. Liam's been hit with some freakish stomach bug but I might shoot him a text to see if we can get coffee when he can face putting anything in his mouth again. If this is that compassion thing, what can I do to help him?

There should be plenty of resources on Google but let me email you through some specifically related to healthcare and oncology carers too. Beau has armed himself with a lot of strong coping mechanisms and he's not unaware this can happen. But sometimes, things can get too much. I don't know, sweetheart. I think there's probably some of him not wanting to rehash it a lot or not wanting to burden you with it at play. He thought for the longest time that the reason your marriage failed was because you couldn't handle caring for him. If you asked him, I'm sure he'd talk to you about it. Just maybe give him a few days to catch his breath. Oh, aye, a good few workers have been hit with norovirus since we had an outbreak. I'd say you're already doing it but be there for him, hold him, remind him he can talk to you if he wants to or he can reach out to his therapist if he needs other supports. I'm here if he needs to debrief too. The usual signs of stress are what to look for.

That would be good, darling. Thanks. I guess nothing specifically around survivors being oncologists, huh? I know he's a pretty special breed. So, if I ask him about this, he won't get upset I'm asking or that we've talked about it? I want to help him and definitely not make the same errors of the past, so communication is paramount. But I also don't want to unnecessarily upset him if it's hard to talk about or he thinks it's better to talk to a professional about. He's not burdening me. At all. But I understand this is a once bitten, twice shy situation. I don't begrudge him that. Beau said Liam was really sick at work and I'm always ultra-conscious of Beau's immune system but he's a pro at infection control. My germ-phobia found a perfect soul mate. Beau often doesn't show signs of stress externally. He's always internalized a lot, which is why I knew it was serious when he couldn't stop crying.

Let me have a rake through the research archives. I might find some papers that discuss it. But Beau definitely is a rare breed. Some survivors do go on to be oncologists and have those same callings Beau has but there was only a handful of year between when Beau went into remission and when he finished high school and went to college on early-entry. He spent a lot of his time while he was sick using study as a distraction so he was a straight A student. He was my first choice for our residency program, especially knowing that he would also work closely with Lachie. All of this, it's difficult but he's suffering because he's incredible empathic and knowledgeable about the patient experience, so he's a strong advocate for them. I'll chat to him about whether he wants to stay on Brandon's case. It might just be too close to home. It's those things that are beyond how he usually deals with stress to keep an eye on. Talking is the most important thing.

I don't know how he does it. I still think I'm having a bad day when I prick my finger and accidentally bleed on the fabric. He's got the strength of 100 me's. I remember when he told me he graduated top of his class and got early entry offers to multiple schools. The teachers thought he would need to repeat because he was sick for so long during high school. He's the most incredible person I know and I know a lot of incredible people. Even shared a womb with one. Can I ask you a serious question, darling? Just between you and me, even if I feel guilty as shit asking. I know you'll answer me the best I can. Do you think Beau has significant odds against him of relapsing again in coming years? I think part of why he's so upset is it feels like he'll always be staring down the barrel. Sure that's exactly how Brandon is feeling about now too. I'm glad you'll talk to him so he knows but I can tell you know, I think he would literally rather die than not see Brandon through this. He's one case Beau won't abandon. The crying was definitely beyond it. He's not afraid to cry but he also doesn't very often. He also had half a beer and said it made him throw up. Stress can have physical signs. I know that pretty well.

Context matters, honey. Your fabric is the equivalent of Beau's patients. That's where your talent lies and you're a wonderful, deeply sought-after fashion designer. You put everything into your designs and making the client look fabulous. It's understandable if bleeding on your fabric upsets you. What I'm saying is, don't minimise or dilute your strength just because Beau works with sick people. You have cared for a sick person in the most intimate of ways and you did it for a long time. No, the outcomes weren't all great and things failed along the way, but you both survived. With survival comes strength you didn't know you had and never knew you could have. Which is why when I say this, I know you're strong enough not to need it sugercoated. I think Beau has significant odds of achieving another remission if in the coming years, he relapses again. Which there is a significant chance he may and that it may be worse than the previous times. The prognosis may be worse. Part of a cancer suvivor's burden is feeling like relapse is a demon lurking in the shadows. It's why grief therapy is vital, during and after a significant diagnosis. Not just for the patient but also their family and carers. If he feels worse physically with anything, get him to get checked out. Not because of what we're talking about but because of immune system.

Sure, but does it change the context if I tell you it's because it made me feel like a total failure and it wasn't about making my client feel fabulous? It was because I'm Positive and I panicked, throwing the whole fabric bolt out when it was hard to see just where the blood got and it was too much anxiety to deal with. It was hand designed and painted by Jace too. Worth ridiculous amounts of money and I had to discard a whole design I tailored to the artwork. I guess our own life experiences and traumas are hard to keep out of any profession with meaning. I could never equate what I do with what you guys do. I just know if we're ever on that precipice again, the first thing he's going to think is that it'll make me cheat on him again and that he might do something like deny treatment or want another DNR.

How is the concern you have about your clients different from the concern Beau has for his? We all bring personal experience to the table in our work, lovely. In different ways, for different reasons, with different outcomes. But let's be fair to you. Your diagnosis and how it came about was traumatic and not all that long ago. It came on the back of caring for your husband through cancer where he almost died in front of you, where you had to make the decision to override a legal DNR order. You can't separate any of that from the you that you are now in the present. Trauma doesn't work like that. It's exactly the same set of emotions Beau's trauma stems from. That's our context. Perhaps you aren't a healthcare professional but you do work with clients who are unwell, are survivors of traumatic things, are using fashion to feel themselves, or feel beautiful, or feel present in their life. That's no less of value to what we do. You and Beau reunited because you're meant to me. You made the choice that you don't want to do life without each other, no matter how hard that life gets. Trust me when I say this, you're his soulmate and whilst I know he's not sure he truly believes in that concept, he's told me that you're the love of his life and he never wants to be without you again. I know you need to hear that right now. Aye, he might think that and I know he's talked to me on an off about the DNR situation because he's undecided. These are demons he has that will flare up when he's feeling emotionally vulnerable, especially when something like a dear friend relapsing at the same age he did. Just keep showing him that you love him and can cope. You've learned from all the awful things you've been through together. That's just life, my love.

Okay, I definitely didn't think about any of that like that before. Can I ask you a serious question, darling? That day in our room, when you told me to say if you wanted to override his orders and do CPR on him, were you worried he would sue you? I've always had this feeling deep down that you and he had some sort of secret agreement to make the call for yourself if it ever happened and you were there. I've never asked him. It's one part of it he kind of clams up on me about. Which is okay, I understand why. It just feels like kismet that you were even there when it happened. He's said that to you? Really? So, you're saying it really will be so much worse if he relapses for a second time?

Honey, I didn't legally have to adhere to that DNR out of the hospital. Now don't get me wrong, I would've still honoured it, especially if he had been wearing a Non-Hospital DNR bracelet, but he wasn't. I know he would've wanted you spared the trauma of seeing him die like that. I think he wasn't wearing the bracelet because he wanted you to have that choice if it came to that. It's a conversation you should have with him, to help plan for the future now you're remarrying. But only when you're both ready. To answer your question, though, no. I didn't fear he would sue me. He's a medical professional, he knows I'm only bound by a hospital DNR in the hospital. I did know he was already considering having it dissolved. I always promised him I would do everything authorised to save him. I don't have all the answers, sweet. Only Beau does. That's impossible to know and bearing on many variable factors. How soon it's caught, how fast it's spreading, his health at the time of diagnosis, if there's any associated health conditions, how he responds to baseline treatment. We're doing all we can to try to prevent relapse. He's diligent with it all too.

Hang on, what? Fuck. How come I never realised that? I feel like I should've known that. The DNR he had was only for if he was in hospital? I guess I just assumed it was a sweeping thing. I feel like a lot of this is going to come up again, with what's happening with Brandon. I'm just waiting until he brings things up. He was so upset, darling. Like, it was a pretty epic cry. I'm starting to understand how depression is for him. It's like his battery is completely flat. I can just tell when he's having a bad day and he doesn't push me away. It's hard, for sure, but our restart just feels easier for some reason. It's hard to explain. If it happens, I'm ready to fight with him. But please, please keep doing all you can to try to prevent it. I feel sick when I think about facing losing him again. The way he looked when he stopped breathing in bed that day and you doing CPR on him, it's locked in my mind forever.

He had both prior to meeting you. But an at-home DNR requires the patient to wear a wristband at home advising the DNR exists so professionals called to an emergency know to honour it. The order used to be on his medic alert bracelet. I never noticed that he stopped wearing it until I looked for it on him that day when I saw his breathing was faltering. I can tell when he's starting to struggle. His mental fatigue is evident in his intonation. I don't think he'll ever push you away again, lovely. Beau's very tactile by nature. Even depressed and not feeling in form, he doesn't avert physical touch in the same way young Justin does. Closeness to the people we love is often sometimes all the comfort that can help. It's easier because you understand and respect why things failed the first time. You ask our other friends who have reunited after a breakup, they'll tell you the same thing. Physically, Beau's in as peak health and fitness as he has been since I met him. I wish I could tell you imagery like that leaves us eventually, but it doesn't. I still regularly dream about Lachie lying on that pavement in my arms, both of us soaked in his blood. I'm so sure I still feel it on my hands when I wake too.

I know changed things for him and I don't take that for granted. How scared I was that I was about to lose him that day should've preventing me from fucking up the way I ultimately did. But that wasn't the only time I thought I was losing him. I really thought he was falling out of love with me because he stopped engaging with me and communicating with me. It never crossed my mind he was depressed and I'll never forgive myself for that. That he wants to remarry me is phenomenal. If he ever gets ill again, I don't need him to need my input on his choices. I'll support whatever he needs, even if that means saying goodbye to him. Every day I wake up with him now is a gift. Maybe those sorts of dreams are just reminders to always remember every day is a gift. Lachie nearly lost you too. I trust you both with Beau's life.

Honey, people have fucked up in the face of a lot less than nearly watching your husband die. How were you to know it was depression that needed treatment and not just post-remission malaise of a body that had been through the wringer for many months? We can al look at our mistakes in hindsight and see what we should or shouldn't have done. It takes more courage to look back and see why we made them in the first place to know how not to make them again. You're doing that. You both are. You're back to figuring things out together, like you did so well before your lost your footing. That's exactly what those dreams are. Just don't feel you have to hide them from him. He will understand why you're having them. He has been having something similar since Liam was raped. Thank you, honey. Lachie and I will never stop fighting for him.

That's exactly what I thought at first. It was only when he didn't want to be physical or intimate with me and kept cockblocking me when I asked him about it that I started to feel like he didn't love me anymore. It seems so stupid to think back on. He's only ever told me of his dreams about Liam once, after we got engaged and before he was told his leukemia was back. Even then, I think it was because he was a bit drunk at the time. It was the same time I learned Beau was with him in the nightclub when it happened, when they were dating. He blames himself that he had too much to drink at the club and didn't go to the bathroom when Liam did. They're probably demons that creep back to the forefront of his mind when he's depressed. I didn't even think about it until you just mentioned it now. Maybe I should ask him about it. I want to help but I also don't want him to feel like I'm interrogating him or pressuring him to talk as a way to help him. He doesn't have to talk about any of it, but I want him to know he can. Did Lachlan talk to you when he was recovering from the shooting? I mean, about all the demons. Or are some things just best left for a therapist? I've found a lot of help in talking to Angel, Rosie, and Beau about my shit but I know not everyone does.

I know that even Liam doesn't speak in detail of what happened but it wasn't just sexual assault, it was a very vicious violent and frenzied attack. Liam nearly didn't survive. But it happened so quickly and it was a large nightclub, by the time Beau realised Liam was gone longer than he should be, it would've been all over. Guilt is understandable and it definitely contributes to Beau's struggles with his mental health but it's something he's always struggled to talk about. I'd say, give him the option that he can talk to you about it if he ever needs but don't take it personally if he doesn't. It took Lachie a very long time to be able to talk at any length about his shooting. Eventually, he opened up and it got easier the more he did but even to this day, he prefers to leave it in the past. The scars are reminder enough. Just keep reminding Beau the lines of communication are always open. We're human, we can so easily forget that.

Beau was always s personable and friendly, from the day I met him. He didn't take any shit, of course, and he had a wicked sense of humour but he was always so easy to have a conversation with. I could never in a million years have thought he would struggle mentally with being able to talk about things. Though, I saw signs of it when he was sick, when it started. I just didn't identify it as what it was. I just thought he was weary or too weak to feel up to talking. Now I know, I can see it in retrospect. He and Liam have both said they probably would've ended up married if the rape didn't happen, so they were good together. Of course, he's always going to have trauma about what happened. I keep reminding him but I worry he'll think I'm overcompensating. Those are my insecurities, though, not his.

[ TEXT MESSAGE ] To Tara @ doctortara

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