dreamlikenewyork | [ TEXT MESSAGE ] To Tara @ doctortara

Honey, I didn't legally have to adhere to that DNR out of the hospital. Now don't get me wrong, I would've still honoured it, especially if he had been wearing a Non-Hospital DNR bracelet, but he wasn't. I know he would've wanted you spared the trauma of seeing him die like that. I think he wasn't wearing the bracelet because he wanted you to have that choice if it came to that. It's a conversation you should have with him, to help plan for the future now you're remarrying. But only when you're both ready. To answer your question, though, no. I didn't fear he would sue me. He's a medical professional, he knows I'm only bound by a hospital DNR in the hospital. I did know he was already considering having it dissolved. I always promised him I would do everything authorised to save him. I don't have all the answers, sweet. Only Beau does. That's impossible to know and bearing on many variable factors. How soon it's caught, how fast it's spreading, his health at the time of diagnosis, if there's any associated health conditions, how he responds to baseline treatment. We're doing all we can to try to prevent relapse. He's diligent with it all too.

Hang on, what? Fuck. How come I never realised that? I feel like I should've known that. The DNR he had was only for if he was in hospital? I guess I just assumed it was a sweeping thing. I feel like a lot of this is going to come up again, with what's happening with Brandon. I'm just waiting until he brings things up. He was so upset, darling. Like, it was a pretty epic cry. I'm starting to understand how depression is for him. It's like his battery is completely flat. I can just tell when he's having a bad day and he doesn't push me away. It's hard, for sure, but our restart just feels easier for some reason. It's hard to explain. If it happens, I'm ready to fight with him. But please, please keep doing all you can to try to prevent it. I feel sick when I think about facing losing him again. The way he looked when he stopped breathing in bed that day and you doing CPR on him, it's locked in my mind forever.

He had both prior to meeting you. But an at-home DNR requires the patient to wear a wristband at home advising the DNR exists so professionals called to an emergency know to honour it. The order used to be on his medic alert bracelet. I never noticed that he stopped wearing it until I looked for it on him that day when I saw his breathing was faltering. I can tell when he's starting to struggle. His mental fatigue is evident in his intonation. I don't think he'll ever push you away again, lovely. Beau's very tactile by nature. Even depressed and not feeling in form, he doesn't avert physical touch in the same way young Justin does. Closeness to the people we love is often sometimes all the comfort that can help. It's easier because you understand and respect why things failed the first time. You ask our other friends who have reunited after a breakup, they'll tell you the same thing. Physically, Beau's in as peak health and fitness as he has been since I met him. I wish I could tell you imagery like that leaves us eventually, but it doesn't. I still regularly dream about Lachie lying on that pavement in my arms, both of us soaked in his blood. I'm so sure I still feel it on my hands when I wake too.

I know changed things for him and I don't take that for granted. How scared I was that I was about to lose him that day should've preventing me from fucking up the way I ultimately did. But that wasn't the only time I thought I was losing him. I really thought he was falling out of love with me because he stopped engaging with me and communicating with me. It never crossed my mind he was depressed and I'll never forgive myself for that. That he wants to remarry me is phenomenal. If he ever gets ill again, I don't need him to need my input on his choices. I'll support whatever he needs, even if that means saying goodbye to him. Every day I wake up with him now is a gift. Maybe those sorts of dreams are just reminders to always remember every day is a gift. Lachie nearly lost you too. I trust you both with Beau's life.

Honey, people have fucked up in the face of a lot less than nearly watching your husband die. How were you to know it was depression that needed treatment and not just post-remission malaise of a body that had been through the wringer for many months? We can al look at our mistakes in hindsight and see what we should or shouldn't have done. It takes more courage to look back and see why we made them in the first place to know how not to make them again. You're doing that. You both are. You're back to figuring things out together, like you did so well before your lost your footing. That's exactly what those dreams are. Just don't feel you have to hide them from him. He will understand why you're having them. He has been having something similar since Liam was raped. Thank you, honey. Lachie and I will never stop fighting for him.

That's exactly what I thought at first. It was only when he didn't want to be physical or intimate with me and kept cockblocking me when I asked him about it that I started to feel like he didn't love me anymore. It seems so stupid to think back on. He's only ever told me of his dreams about Liam once, after we got engaged and before he was told his leukemia was back. Even then, I think it was because he was a bit drunk at the time. It was the same time I learned Beau was with him in the nightclub when it happened, when they were dating. He blames himself that he had too much to drink at the club and didn't go to the bathroom when Liam did. They're probably demons that creep back to the forefront of his mind when he's depressed. I didn't even think about it until you just mentioned it now. Maybe I should ask him about it. I want to help but I also don't want him to feel like I'm interrogating him or pressuring him to talk as a way to help him. He doesn't have to talk about any of it, but I want him to know he can. Did Lachlan talk to you when he was recovering from the shooting? I mean, about all the demons. Or are some things just best left for a therapist? I've found a lot of help in talking to Angel, Rosie, and Beau about my shit but I know not everyone does.

I know that even Liam doesn't speak in detail of what happened but it wasn't just sexual assault, it was a very vicious violent and frenzied attack. Liam nearly didn't survive. But it happened so quickly and it was a large nightclub, by the time Beau realised Liam was gone longer than he should be, it would've been all over. Guilt is understandable and it definitely contributes to Beau's struggles with his mental health but it's something he's always struggled to talk about. I'd say, give him the option that he can talk to you about it if he ever needs but don't take it personally if he doesn't. It took Lachie a very long time to be able to talk at any length about his shooting. Eventually, he opened up and it got easier the more he did but even to this day, he prefers to leave it in the past. The scars are reminder enough. Just keep reminding Beau the lines of communication are always open. We're human, we can so easily forget that.

Beau was always s personable and friendly, from the day I met him. He didn't take any shit, of course, and he had a wicked sense of humour but he was always so easy to have a conversation with. I could never in a million years have thought he would struggle mentally with being able to talk about things. Though, I saw signs of it when he was sick, when it started. I just didn't identify it as what it was. I just thought he was weary or too weak to feel up to talking. Now I know, I can see it in retrospect. He and Liam have both said they probably would've ended up married if the rape didn't happen, so they were good together. Of course, he's always going to have trauma about what happened. I keep reminding him but I worry he'll think I'm overcompensating. Those are my insecurities, though, not his.

[ TEXT MESSAGE ] To Tara @ doctortara

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