[ TEXT ] To Arian @ tearsofpearls

[underyourskin]

Hey, dude. You gotta minute? Need to pick your brain. Don't worry if you're tied up with Justin.

Comments

[underyourskin]

What's dissociation like, to experience it? I've obviously seen the flipside as a nurse but Justin's always said he doesn't know because he doesn't know when his brain's doing it. Like when he has a psychotic episode. Having panic and dissociation at the same time must feel like you're losing your fucking mind. Well, reluctance and ambivalence generally means you have reasons to not want it. Fear usually means you do, you just have anxiety about it going wrong. Failed relationships can be a reason for all three. Getting back on the horse is fucking terrifying. You weren't to blame for your failed marriage. You didn't cheat on yourself. Are you worried with how often Chance is away would mean there's a higher chance of being cheated on again? Do you think that's in his nature? Hell, no. Talking unravels the confusion. It evens the playing field and gives you a chance to hash out all the insecurities. Honestly, pretty much all of mine, Winston has easily reassured me of. He didn't spite me having them and it really helped not try to just bury them all for fear of scaring him away. Have you talked much to him about what happened to you in the past?

[tearsofpearls]

I know some people think it's like how you feel when you daydream or have an out-of-body experience or something but it's a mental illness. No mental illness is really passive in its symptoms. Patients do describe feeling disconnected from themselves or being unable to concentrate or forget but for Justin, it's a much more intrusive presentation. He has big gaps in his memory from dissociation but he also remembers a lot about the episodes, just in an abstract way. Things feel very overwhelming for him when it starts, like information overload. He struggles to handle any sort of intense emotions. He's conscious of things happening around him but he can't ground himself in it. By the time he starts to completely dissociate, it's more like being hit in the head and knocked out for him, like how a concussed person sometimes can't remember what happened with the events of their injury. Dissociation disorder on its own would probably be bearable for him but it only happens to him when his bipolar or C-PTSD are already severely exacerbated so it's compounded. It's not nice for him, he's not used to it yet. It's only been recently he's had any consciousness that it happens, from when dissociated memories began to come back to him after his... well, the woman who took him's death. No, I don't think cheating is in Chance's nature. He's like Billy, a testicular cancer survivor. Not that something like that prevents cheating but he and I have talked about other things in great depth, just not officially committing or what we want long-term. I'm not sure either of us thought it would be something long-term. What I know of him, I'm pretty confident he wouldn't hurt me by cheating. He knows I was married and cheating ended it. That's pretty much it.

[underyourskin]

There's always a chance any dissociative episode might be permanent, though. Does he know that? It has to be something that terrifies his parents and Sash. If Sash even knows. Shit, seriously? Chance's had an orchiectomy? I know for Billy, that whole thing made him struggle with his identity and what it meant for his future, like whether he wanted kids and all that. A lot to think about if it happens well before you're ready to contemplate those long-term things. Maybe he finds it easier not to think about commitment if he can't have kids. Can he? Billy can't. He has one working ball left but the chemo pretty much throttled his sperm count. Have you ever worked as a counselor for anyone who has survived cancer?