dreamlikenewyork | [ TEXT ] To Arian @ tearsofpearls

It's all good. Justin's in with Sash. Shoot.

Oh he made it in to see him? That's really fucking good news. Is he going okay? I need to get my hands on a thermometer and a RAT. Do you know if there's any here at the house or where I might be able to get one nearby? Walking distance, preferably. Don't know my way around here yet.

It wasn't an easy feat. He's not doing so well but he's holding up the best he can. You unwell, buddy? Chance might have both. I'll give him a quick call and ask. If not, I can bring you both when I get back from the hospital. Have you got masks?

Poor kid. I was chatting with Reecy, she was saying how rough things have been. Any change with Sash? Not me, Winston. He's feeling a bit shitty. We thought it was just a migraine but pretty sure he's got a fever. Better to be safe than sorry. Plenty of masks, just no other supplies save for a pack of Tylenol.

No change with Sash, which is not necessarily a good thing now. They'll be running some more tests in the coming days, though. Ah, crap. The risk of flying across the world in a giant veritable petri dish of germs. Chance has a thermometer and RATs but he's at the grocery store with Justin's nana. He'll be back soon and asked if there's anything he can get you while he's out.

Brain injuries are the worst kind of waiting game. I've seen how hard it can be on the loved ones time and time again too. Covid's definitely still around and even though it can be mild for some, it can also still be pretty severe for others. Fantastic. Thanks so much for that. Probably a good idea to stock up on Gatorade and tissues. He's got a sore throat too, so maybe something he can suck on. Not the kind of sucking I thought we'd be partaking in, admittedly. How's things with you and Chance?

They've been waiting for some of the inflammation from the injuries to go down before they do some further investigations, considering his migraine history. Damn right, dude. I've managed to dodge it so far but I was in Aus a lot of the time through the worst of it. Chance still had to travel for work and Justin was still doing some work. It was easier to base myself here. I'll let him know to get what you need. They're going well, albeit with some uncertainty about commitment on both our parts, I guess you could call it.

They're thinking something else is going on or just trying to check the extent of the damage? I was on shift the first time he came in with a hemiplegic migraine. He thought he was dying, Justin thought he was dying. It was awful. Is it uncertainty either of you want to overcome? Or just anxiety about commitment? Which I totally get, if things have gone wrong in the romance department in the past.

There's been a suspicion from immediately after the crash that it could be a brain AVM as opposed to a simple aneurysm, but when they operated, there was too much inflammation from the injuries to get to it. They clamped the bleeding where they could but there's been concern about further bleeds. This can't go beyond us, definitely not to Reecy at this point because Justin doesn't know. Other than Sash and Justin's folks, I only know because I'm part of Justin's care team. You're a nurse, so I know you get the ins and outs, not that you've probably come across any AVMs, if any. No point unnecessarily stressing anyone if it turns out to be nothing more than a suspicion but they think it could be the source of the seizures he's having. The silver lining is, some AVMs are very treatable. Justin's really mentally unwell, so they're rationing who they pass the info on to for no, so it isn't accidentally spilled to Justin. It's about protecting them both. Until Mark is in a better position to weigh in and make the call to inform Justin. It's a mix of anxiety about commitment on my part and hesitancy about it on Chance's because he's never done well with long-distance and he travels all over the world for a large chunk of the year. We've been accidentally FWB'ing each other. I'm honestly not sure how I feel about long-distance either.

Fucking hell. I understand the need to be cautious with what to tell Justin when he's already so emotionally taxed. Panic Disorder can make everything so much worse. When I spoke to Reec last night, she said Mark was still out of action. I've never personally nursed anyone with AVM but we learned about it in college. It can be life-threatening, especially if it's larger in size or in a difficult location to access. They need to wait until they can assess all that before figuring out treatment. Oh, yeah, I get it, buddy. That's why Winston split with Romeo. The distance would've been too much. But Romeo moved to LA. Chance comes home on the off-season, yeah? Plus on and off through the season. But you wouldn't be able to go with him very often. Some people do make distance work, though. If his job didn't have him travelling so much, would you be interested in commitment then?

It's technically still a form of aneurysm Sash had because it can cause brain bleeds but it's a medical condition that he could've had his whole life. It could be the underlying cause of the migraines. Unfortunately, even if they can successfully stop the AVM bleeding or remove it entirely with treatment, he'll probably still have that trifecta of shit with the migraines. It's really complex and complicated, it's too much for Justin to process. Best for him to just focus on seeing Sash. That alone will be massive for him to process. He's home the whole off-season and even sometimes in between races, depending on where they are in the world. I think would be interested. It's the first I've felt like that since my marriage failed too, so I can't ignore the significance of what I'm feeling. What about you two? Things going well? Current challenges notwithstanding

Winston has chronic migraines, the classic type. They completely knock him on his ass. You don't wish shit like this on an enemy. Whatever the outcome, Sash is going to have to face a huge battle if he wakes up. His pre-existing neuro issues on top of a brain injury, times like this, I wish I wasn't an atheist. Do you know how his parents are holding up? Reecy mentioned Mhari was finally cleared with covid to get in to see Sash. What's your professional opinion on how Justin will be once he sees Sash too? Is it really commitment issues you have, or fear of putting your heart on the line again? I can ask that shit because I had to confront similar things recently. Things are great with Winston and I, but it's taking a LOT of talking through things to figure out where we're at together and what we want out of a relationship. It makes the whole concept of FWB seem really overrated.

I have more faith in medicine and science than I do religion. His folks are doing their best to keep it together. His dad will be flying over with a nurse next week. Mhari did all she could to get Justin in to see Sash. She's a mom, she knows that's the best thing for both of them at the moment. I think Justin will feel relief being able to sit with him but he's clearly struggling with panic and dissociation, so I don't know if it'll stabilise him. Seeing him would've been confronting, regardless. How did you figure out the difference between fear, reluctance, and ambivalence about relationships? I've never managed to make anything stick before so I figure I'm the common denominator. Did talking a lot help or confuse things even more? I realise the irony of this conversation, being a counsellor.

What's dissociation like, to experience it? I've obviously seen the flipside as a nurse but Justin's always said he doesn't know because he doesn't know when his brain's doing it. Like when he has a psychotic episode. Having panic and dissociation at the same time must feel like you're losing your fucking mind. Well, reluctance and ambivalence generally means you have reasons to not want it. Fear usually means you do, you just have anxiety about it going wrong. Failed relationships can be a reason for all three. Getting back on the horse is fucking terrifying. You weren't to blame for your failed marriage. You didn't cheat on yourself. Are you worried with how often Chance is away would mean there's a higher chance of being cheated on again? Do you think that's in his nature? Hell, no. Talking unravels the confusion. It evens the playing field and gives you a chance to hash out all the insecurities. Honestly, pretty much all of mine, Winston has easily reassured me of. He didn't spite me having them and it really helped not try to just bury them all for fear of scaring him away. Have you talked much to him about what happened to you in the past?

I know some people think it's like how you feel when you daydream or have an out-of-body experience or something but it's a mental illness. No mental illness is really passive in its symptoms. Patients do describe feeling disconnected from themselves or being unable to concentrate or forget but for Justin, it's a much more intrusive presentation. He has big gaps in his memory from dissociation but he also remembers a lot about the episodes, just in an abstract way. Things feel very overwhelming for him when it starts, like information overload. He struggles to handle any sort of intense emotions. He's conscious of things happening around him but he can't ground himself in it. By the time he starts to completely dissociate, it's more like being hit in the head and knocked out for him, like how a concussed person sometimes can't remember what happened with the events of their injury. Dissociation disorder on its own would probably be bearable for him but it only happens to him when his bipolar or C-PTSD are already severely exacerbated so it's compounded. It's not nice for him, he's not used to it yet. It's only been recently he's had any consciousness that it happens, from when dissociated memories began to come back to him after his... well, the woman who took him's death. No, I don't think cheating is in Chance's nature. He's like Billy, a testicular cancer survivor. Not that something like that prevents cheating but he and I have talked about other things in great depth, just not officially committing or what we want long-term. I'm not sure either of us thought it would be something long-term. What I know of him, I'm pretty confident he wouldn't hurt me by cheating. He knows I was married and cheating ended it. That's pretty much it.

There's always a chance any dissociative episode might be permanent, though. Does he know that? It has to be something that terrifies his parents and Sash. If Sash even knows. Shit, seriously? Chance's had an orchiectomy? I know for Billy, that whole thing made him struggle with his identity and what it meant for his future, like whether he wanted kids and all that. A lot to think about if it happens well before you're ready to contemplate those long-term things. Maybe he finds it easier not to think about commitment if he can't have kids. Can he? Billy can't. He has one working ball left but the chemo pretty much throttled his sperm count. Have you ever worked as a counselor for anyone who has survived cancer?

[ TEXT ] To Arian @ tearsofpearls

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