Caprice "Reecy" Chester (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
headingforsomething) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
dreamlikenewyork2023-01-28 04:11 pm
headingforsomething) wrote in dreamlikenewyork2023-01-28 04:11 pm
"But I see the way your face just changed, as if you lost a lover"
Who: Reecy Chester-Wilson and Justin Campbell (with Kyan Wilson and Mhari Stanford briefly)
What: Pain & Happiness
Where: Sydney, Australia
When: After this and this
Reecy and Kyan had been given permission to attend the ICU as Justin’s family. All those wheels had been set in motion before they even arrived in Australia and Reecy was glad there wasn’t any hassle when she finally got to the hospital. Mark was still out of action but she had spoken to both of Justin’s moms, his grandparents, and Sam, and they all couldn’t be sure if Justin would be okay to accept visitors and even if he did, how he would be for them. His mental stability had deteriorated with the traum and being unable to see Sasha but Mhari had finally been able to get in to see them both. Reecy didn’t know how that had gone yet. As soon as she had gotten then greenlight to visit Justin, she and Kyan had jumped in their hire car and driven straight to the hospital.
Stepping through the large ICU security doors once they were buzzed in, Reecy had to stop and move over to the wall to take the railing, putting a hand on her stomach and taking some deep breaths. There was just something about the antiseptic smell of a hospital that brought back a lot of memories.
Kyan quickly wrapped his arm around his wife in concern. “You okay, baby? Are you sick? Do you need the bathroom?” He was so ultra-conscious right now that she was pregnant and it was considered a high risk pregnancy due to her past. But not only that, he knew how much she hurt and stressed when Justin was in a bad way. It was just added stress with how it had all come to be this time, and the fact it was Sasha too. Kyan knew Reecy had adopted that guy like another little brother from the moment Justin told her he was in love again. That was just how it worked when you were a big sister like Reecy. He raked her hair back and tucked it behind her ear, kissing the top of her head. “Do you want to sit down for a minute?”
Reecy shook her head and swallowed heavily, clinging to Kyan for dear life. “No. I don’t think so? I’m not sure I even know how to tell anymore…” Was that sickness in her gut from the pregnancy or raging anxiety about seeing Justin? Probably both. There was also the indistinct wooziness that felt sort of like how she did the first two times she had been pregnant in her life and suffered fainting spells but she hadn’t been able to face putting anything but water in her mouth in the mornings this time around and frequently that lasted into the afternoon or evening. “No, I just… just want to see my boy. That’s all. I’ll be okay. It’s just…”
“A lot. So much,” Kyan murmured, rubbing soft circles to her lower back. “You don’t have to be okay. He’s not going to be. I can see a sign to his room number just a little further down, sweetheart. He’s right there. Just one foot in front of the other.” Fuck, did he wish he could help more but he knew there was no white knight way he could fix anything here. It was a horrible situation and none of them should be here. If anyone knew the pain of seeing a loved one seriously ill, it was Kyan. He held his mom’s hand as he took her last breath and they weren’t memories you could ever erase. He knew what his wife was trying to shoulder. Nothing he could do could take the weight of that away.
“Reecy, Kyan… you came.”
At hearing their names, Reecy looked over her shoulder and saw Sash’s mom, Mhari, exiting one of the rooms and hurrying up the corridor to them. “Mhari!” She took Mhari’s outreached hand and they shared a clinging hug. When it ended, she softly rubbed Mhari’s shoulders, seeing the pain and exhaustion cloaking every inch of her. “How’s Sash? How’s Justin, have you spoken to him? Gen said you were able to get in to see them yesterday.”
Mhari nodded, rubbing her forehead tiredly. “No change with Sash. No change isn’t a bad thing, though. I just don’t feel like I have the strength for more waiting but I’ll find it somehow. We’re trying to arrange flights for Martin and his carer. He’s never travelled without me, not since the accident.” With a shaky hand, she swept the stray strands of blonde curly hair out of her eyes. “Justin’s… he was more receptive to me yesterday. Though, even that was challenging. I’ve never seen him this unwell, it’s frightening. I’m working with the staff here to try to get him to be able to see Sash but it’s still in the works. You always connect with him. I think you’ll have more success than I have today. He’s not even talking to the medical staff. He makes eye contact on and off but it’s fleeting. What storm he must have in his head…”
Reecy bit her lower lip and shared a glance with Kyan. “Is it like he’s giving up?”
Mhari went to reply but hesitated, stopping to think more on the question. “It’s just like he’s not there sometimes. He’s not… no. I don’t think he’s giving up. But does he even have a choice if he’s so unwell?”
“Not if he’s dissociating. And that’s the terrifying part,” Reecy conceited quietly. “I was with him when Bondi happened and it was the worst day of my life. I can see the signs, I can recognise some of the verbal red flags. It’s just not always easy to differentiate from his mental fatigue, which happens when he’s rapid-cycling. Couple that with the physical pain and incapacity, I just… I’ve been scared for days that he might not even engage with me. We have a really close connection but it wasn’t enough for Bondi, so…”
Mhari patted Reecy’s arm and then gave both her and Kyan kisses on their cheeks. “But you’re both still here and that’s what the boys need from us right now, if nothing else. No one wants to be alone when in that much pain.”
“Do you want to sit down and have a coffee with me, Mhari? Reecy’s just going in to see Justin on her own for a bit so he’s not too overwhelmed.” Kyan offered.
“I’d like that. I think all I’m running on now is coffee and hope.” Mhari smiled sadly through her exhaustion. “I’ll meet you in the family room.”
Once left alone with Kyan outside Justin’s room, Reecy wet her lips and took a couple of deep bracing breaths. Then shared a kiss with Kyan as she let go of the railing again — not having even noticed that she had grabbed it again — and tried to ignore the unsteadiness thrumming through her. She was so grateful he was here. There was no way in hell she could face this alone, even if she knew she had to go in to see Justin by herself, even just at first. She grabbed Kyan’s hand and squeezed it tightly. “Will you be okay while I’m in there?”
“Of course I will, baby. Don’t you worry about me, I’ll be right out here with Mhari if you need me.” Kyan nodded back towards the small visitors waiting area with a coffee machine and couple of sofas they just passed. He folded her into an embrace that lingered for a few moments. “Just remember, we’ve got good news too.”
That made Reecy smile despite her anxiety and she nodded. “He probably won’t believe me,” she said with a little laugh but then the deep frown of worry returned as soon as it passed. “Fucking hell in a handbag, how did we get here? Fuck. Fuck!” she growled, more to herself than anything else, fist clenching at her side. But there was no way in fucking hell she could take anger into that room with her.
Kyan knew it was rhetorical so he just gave her a small sympathetic smile and after another quick kiss, he watched Reecy as she released his hand and stepped up to the glass doors, waiting while she hit the button to open them and then disappeared through them.
Once Reecy was in Justin’s room and saw him immobilized in the bed, she didn’t hesitate going straight over to him, gently touching her fingertips to the back of his hand so he would look at her. She wouldn’t risk further touch but she needed him to feel that she was there. “Smooshie…” she murmured, eyes already brimming with tears. Beyond an initial reflexive reaction of him almost pulling his hand away at the touch, he barely responded. There were a few long moments before he blinked slowly a couple of times and his gaze shifted from what seemed to be a poster in the corner of the room to look at her. Even then, it was like he looked right through her. But then, she was sure she clocked even just a hint of awareness to her in his eyes and she seized it, taking his hand fully and squeezing it softly. “Oh, baby boy, I’m so sorry.”
Justin took in a hitched breath, blinking again as he looked over Reecy’s face and felt her warm hand around his. “It’s… you. You came.” He looked down at their hands and weakly squeezed hers back. “Are you really here? I— I don’t…”
“It’s okay, Smooshie. It’s me. I promise, I’m really here. Like you could keep me away.” Reecy sat on the side of the bed beside him, keeping a secure hold on his hand. Relief flooded through her when he squeezed her fingers back, even if it was nothing more than a little pressure before he released it again. There was confusion, like he’d his head and was disoriented but he hadn’t completely slipped away. After the brief conversation with Mhari, she was worrying she might’ve been too late getting here. When she spoke with Sam on the phone and then Gen and Alexis in person, there was the strong fear dissociation would swallow Justin again. “Just take your time, okay? You don’t have to talk if you don’t want to. We can just sit.”
It did take some time. It was hard for Reecy to know if she lost him back into himself, if he was in too much pain to talk, or he was so unwell with an episode that he wasn’t sure she was even real. Maybe it was a degree of all of the above but it didn’t matter. She looked down at his hand, seeing it marred with ugly bruises that looked to me more from failed IV lines than just injury from the accident. It hurt to see him in pain. It always would. It didn’t get easier. This time it seemed so much harder, for some reason. It was senseless. The accident should never have happened. This wasn’t just because Justin’s brain was unwell and he couldn’t regulate his emotions. It wasn’t because he’d harmed himself. This happened when he was stable, happy, and well. You could never take the stable, happy, and well moments for granted and that was why it seemed so cruel they had been invaded with this, in the wrost fucking way possible. She leaned over and brushed a gentle kiss to his fingers, making sure to keep reminding him that she really was there but letting him stay lost in his silence as long as he needed.
“I’m so scared,” Justin finally whispered, sucking in a gasp of breath when it all felt like it was going to suffocate him again. When these feelings started to overwhelm him, he wasn’t sure he could trust his lungs to keep working. They hurt, along with everything else. “I think he’s gonna die, Ree. And I’m not there. All those times since we fell in love that I couldn’t hold on, when I woke up, he was there and… a— and I’m not.”
“Hey, hey…” Reecy put her hand to his cheek and shook her head when he looked at her, his eyes red-rimmed and teary. “Don’t write him off just yet, Smooshie. That stuff you have deep down inside you that helps you keep waking up for him? He has that too. And I know you don’t know what it is and you can’t name it, let alone understand it, but don’t underestimate it while he’s still fighting. That’s a lesson we all had to learn with you, sweetness, so I know it’s not an easy one. But you have to learn it. For him, just like he did for you. You are there for him, in here.” She turned his hand over and softly pressed it to his chest where his heart was.
Justin hung his head, trying to fold in on himself. “I don’t know if I can. I’m… I’m sick. I’m really trying but… I… I’m so fucking angry, ReeRee. At… at everything.” He pulled his hand away and pressed the heels of his palms to his eyes, no matter how much it hurt the bruises on his face. He made a soft sound that was like a mix of a moan and a sob. “I keep… waking up and feeling like Sash is holding me. Like we’re in bed at home and… everything’s fine. The I have to remember again. So, I don’t wanna sleep but they keep medicating me because I keep losing my shit. I can’t fucking stop it. You can’t help me, Ree. I’m too fucked in the head. It was too much for you to come.”
He was shaking all over now. Reecy coaxed his trembling hands away from his face when his knuckles turned white and she saw how hard he was pressing. Reaching to softly stroke his hair out of his face, she couldn’t remember the last time she had seen it this long. “You’ve been in a very serious car accident and your injuries would be enough to make anyone fucked in the head, let alone someone with mental illnesses and PTSD. Fucked in the head is better than dead, Smoosh. You’re still here. Not doing well but doing the best you fucking can with what you’ve got. Come here…” With a little bit of manouvering (and thankful that she was petite with no evidence yet that she had a bun in the oven), she moved to sit next to him on the bed and he sat forward a little so she could wrap her arm around him to give him a cuddle. He couldn’t move his lower half but she still did the best she could to find a comfortable spot for him. They did this so often in the past when he was hurting, sick, or struggling. Before things got serious with Sash, it wasn’t uncommon for him to turn up on her doorstep in the middle of the night after being plagued with nightmares and they’d have a good cuddle while he tried his best to regulate his emotions again. He had always let her be a safe place for him. Often, all he needed was comfort and she would always make sure he knew she was source of that for him, no questions asked. “You know you’re always okay to be fucked in the head with me. Always, honeybunch. There’s no exceptions to that. And I’m always, always, always going to come when you need me.”
“Then I’m really fucked in the head.” Justin’s voice wavered when he got teary again but he was blinking them away. He didn’t have the energy for another breakdown like what happened when he saw Sash’s mom the day before. Something just combusted in him when he saw her and immediately engulfed with terror that she was about to tell him Sash had died. He really thought he had it together a bit better than he clearly did. It wasn’t that he was unconscious to the fact he was mentally unstable right now but knowing his dad was home trying to detox from alcohol again after what was effectively a mental breakdown and overdose, then finally seeing Mhari just pushed him over the edge. “I’m trying so hard to be strong for him but I—I— can’t… I don’t… Are you really okay to be here…? With the show, with Ky…”
“Shhh. You know better than anyone that Caden has the best understudies in the business. That’s not as important as you and Sash right now. Ky’s right outside having a cuppa with Mrs Stanford. There’s nowhere else in the world I should be.” Reecy was stroking her fingers slow and steady through his hair and kept holding him. She could feel his all-over trembling was easing in the embrace. He was scattered and his lucidity was a bit patchy but it was hard to tell if that was because of his bipolar with the trauma, medications, his injuries, his exhaustion and mental fatigue, or basically all of the above. Mostly, she was pretty sure his body and mind were overcapacity on its coping ability. He ran on empty with that at the best of times. Strength didn’t come into it when you were battle-weary and emotionally punch-drunk. Justin was strong. He was the strongest person Reecy knew, but he didn’t believe it or feel it, let alone understand how to yield it to any advantage, so it was irrelevant. “He doesn’t need you to be strong, baby, he just needs you to keep holding on, even if only by a thread. You just have to be what he fights back for. They aren’t my words of wisdom, they’re his.”
Justin stilled and he turned his head to examine her face with a furrowed brow of confusion, where he was trying desperately to see any signs that she had somehow spoken to Sash. But it was silly to take her words in that context and he knew it. Rationally, he knew if Sash had woken, he’d be one of the first to be told but he also had no real awareness of the reality of the situation either. Or time, which he had lost al concept of. All he had was what other people told him and even then, he wasn’t following or retaining a lot of it. Not really. Patchy, at very best. He couldn’t even remember Sash’s injuries and kept asking the staff to tell him again. He also kept asking how long his dad had been away for. It felt like weeks — maybe even months — when in reality, it was days, coming up to a week. “What do you mean?”
Reecy saw that she spooked him and it was only after he was looking at her like that, like a confused kicked puppy, that she caught herself and had to remind herself to be careful what she said and how she said it. She was still jetlagged and the morning sickness was taking its toll waking her up way too early and sometimes keeping her up way too late when it decided to defy the ‘morning’ description. She was definitely remembering why she had never much been a fan of the actual being pregnant thing but it did feel a lot different to the previous times. She was sure Kyan had a lot to do with that. He hadn’t been treating her like she should be wrapped in cotton wool but he had been treating her like she deserved to be coocooned in silk. He was definitely the Robin to her Batman if, you know, they were married and Batman could get knocked up. “The last time you were fighting in an ICU, he said that to me. He told me he wasn’t okay and didn’t feel strong enough for any of it but he knew as long as he kept showing up for you, you’d have a reason to fight back because you’d made a promise to him that as long as he did, you’d try if you could.”
Sinking his head back against the pillow when Reecy resumed stroking his hair, Justin frowned, trying to think back. “I… yeah, I think I did say that to him once. Like, fuck… in our really early days, maybe? After the first time I attempted when we first started dating. I’d asked him before if he’d be even able to handle it if I ever hurt myself or worse, because I would. There’d be a time it would happen. I promised him if he was there’d, I’d always have a reason to try to pull through. I fell so fucking hard for him, I believed it too. I guess I still do. But he hurt his head so bad, Ree. Even before the accident, they said he could’ve died and I didn’t even realise something was wrong.”
“I don’t believe that, Smooshie. That’s just your head playing tricks on you. You always know when something’s wrong with him. You know when something’s wrong with everyone you love. Just because you didn’t know what it was or how serious, I know you would’ve known he wasn’t well.” Reecy had learned so soon after meeting Justin and he was diagnosed with bipolar that sometimes, all you could do was counteract his negative self-thought and incorrect negative perception of himself. Nine times out of ten, he wouldn’t believe you when you did but he did listen and that was better than nothing.
“With a migraine, not fucking DYING!” Justin exploded and was again hit with that horrible claustrophobic sensation of being trapped, unable to even move away in reflexive defence, let alone run away and do something to hurt himself. But he knew Reecy didn’t deserve to cop his anger and he gripped his hand in a fist, pressing it against his mouth with his eyes squeezed shut. It was some long moments he had to take fighting to dial his emotions back. “I should be alone. I don’t wanna keep feeling like this!”
Reecy shook her her head, again taking the hand away from his mouth and his time lacing their fingers in hopes she could ground him again. “Well, I can’t let you be alone again just yet, Smooshie. Because I have some news for you that I wanted to tell you in person. Something I hope that might help cheer you up just little…” There was a bottle of water with a straw in it sitting by her on the bedside cabinet so grabbed it and offered it to his mouth, hearing he was getting hoarse and little breathless on his longer sentences, even when he was being given what Sam had called high-flow oxygen therapy with nasal prongs because of the chest trauma he had in the accident. She had asked Sam if that could mean Justin might not be able to sing professionally again but he said it was too soon to tell and they were much more concerned the pelvic fracture would spell the end of his professional dance career. No wonder the poor kid was so fucking messed up right now, his whole world was poised to implode.
Justin gratefully took a drink and was trying to read her face again, like he was trying to parse if there would be somehow be more bad news and the hope it might ‘cheer him up’ was just wishful thinking. It seemed to be nothing but bad, painful news when people came and told him they had to talk to him. Suddenly, he felt a heavy sheet of exhaustion settle over him and he closed his eyes, breathing out slowly through his mouth and knotting the hem of the sheet tight around his fingers, not saying anything.
He was bracing himself, Reecy realised, and her heart felt like it crushed into a million pieces seeing it. He didn’t believe there was anything she could say to make him feel any better. He had so much horrible shit hit him lately that he was waiting for her to deliver more but she gave herself a firm pep-talk in her head not to start crying or it would confirm his fears even more. He was cutting off circulation in his fingers with the sheet, so once again, she gently and calmly helped walk him back by untangling it around his hand. “Smooshie… it’s good news, beautiful. I promise,” she murmured and gave him a little kiss on the cheek. “I would never hoodwink you if I had to give you any bad news. Do you want to know what it is?”
Justin nodded and said in a tiny voice, “Okay.”
Reecy just moved his hand that she was holding and gently placed it on her stomach with a smile, waiting to see if he worked it out.
At first, Justin didn’t get it but it was only a few moments that it took for the penny to drop and he blinked, processing it a bit more and trying to work out how to react. “You— really…? Are you…? Really?” He looked at his hand on Reecy’s stomach and then back to her face. “But you didn’t want…?” Goddamn, shit’s sake, why couldn’t his brain work better right now? Stringing full sentences together took more mental stamina that he had left.
“Really, really,” Reecy confirmed, breaking into a smile, rubbing the back of his hand. “And I know. It’s definitely been very much a surprise that we didn’t see coming. But maybe sometimes the world really does throw us something happy to counter all the pain. A very, very tiny something yet but so far so good, and Ky and I were hoping that if everything goes okay, you’ll be our little button’s guidefather.”
For a few moments, Justin had a deer caught in headlights look but then, “You really want me?” he asked, right before he burst into tears when another bomb of mixed emotions hit him but this time, definitely not a bad one. Just overwhelming. “Are you even going to be okay?” he sobbed, trying to sweep the tears from his eyes with his fingertips and then put his arm around her to give her an attempted hug the best he could.
“More than I want Kyan’s bum and trust me, right now, that’s a lot,” Reecy joked, kissing the top of his head with a little laugh. It was hard not to tear up with him when he burst into tears but this time, she could hear it wasn’t because he was in pain. “I’ve seen how amazing you are as a big brother. You’ve got this in the bag, sweetiepie. It’s too early to know how it will all be but so far, everything is how it should be and even if Ky and I are terrified something might go wrong like last time, we have everything crossed it will be okay. Do you want to see?” She pulled her small handbag close from where she put it on his bed table before sitting with him for a cuddle and pulled the first ultrasound photo from the side pocket, holding it for him to see.
“That’s a baby. Oh my god.” Justin caught his lip between his teeth but then — by some small almost-literal miracle — he started to smile through his tears, touching his fingertip to the little black spot on the photograph. “You’re really gonna have a baby, ReeRee.”
The smile was infectious and Reecy brushed a tear from his cheek with her thumb. “There he is. I knew he wasn’t completely gone. I love you to the moon and back, okay? If you can just try to hold on one day at a time for Sash and for our little one, Smooshie, that’s enough. Because he or she is going to be getting one of the most amazing guidedaddies ever and I really want them to be able to meet him and his beautiful fiancé one day.”
Justin was too choked up to speak then but he nodded, wrapping his arm around Reecy again and burying his face in her shoulder when her including Sash in this happy news brought on a fresh wave of tears. More than fucking anything he wanted to promise her that would happen but they both knew it wasn’t a promise he could for certain keep. But he could try. Somehow, he’d figure out how to do that, even if most days right now, it hurt like fucking hell. The way Reecy was stroking his hair while they both cried was what he needed more than anything in the world and he hadn’t even know that until she was there. When he finally conquered the latest hurdle of bawling his eyes out, he was hiccupping and accepted another drink of water when Reecy offered it. “Sorry. Just… feels like I can’t stop crying all the time. Are you… okay? Is the baby? Is Kyan? You’ll all be okay, yeah?”
Reecy’s first reflexively thought was to want to throw a pile of reassurances at Justin, promise it would all be happy and perfect and that he had nothing to worry about. He would know she was bullshitting him, though. He always did. It had been a long time since she ever tried to bullshit him because he hated that and she knew he could handle the difficult truths. Even as emotionally overwhelmed and in pain as he was, he was asking. She had to keep it real. Especially because he knew what she went through when she went through an abortion with complications and then later, lost a twin pregnancy that put her life on the line. He had been a rock for her through both those awful experiences, even when he had been going through a lot himself. You could never underestimate Justin’s age. She was so sure he was more wise than all of them who had decades on him in age collectively. “Because of what happened with the twins, it’s a high-risk pregnancy. But that just means watching closely and finding any signs something’s amiss quickly. We have the best medical people in our corner too, even a granddad who’s a doctor. We’re all really good so far. Baby’s perfectly healthy and even though Ky and I are nervous, we’re hopeful. One day at a time, yeah?”
“You can tell me you’re scared,” Justin told Reecy softly, his head now dropped wearily on the pillow as he watched her closely while she talked. “I know what one day at a time is code for.”
Reecy gave Justin’s nose an affectionate tap. “I knew you wouldn’t let me get away with any bullshittery, Smooshie. It’s true, I’m absolutely fucking terrified it will all go wrong again. I just hope if I don’t say it out loud too much, it might get easier or go away.”
“More bullshittery,” Justin murmured and this time, he took Reecy’s hand to hold. “It doesn’t work like that. It’s more, it gets easier if you do say it. Doesn’t take it away but then I guess, you’re not bullshitting yourself. Trust me, I’m a fucking expert on that. It doesn’t get easier. It just… I guess it reminds you you’re still alive when sometimes, it makes you feel like you’re fucking dying.”
Reecy heard the exact moment Justin’s tone changed, detached or disconnected. “Smooshie, are you—”
“Yes.” Justin didn’t wait to hear what she was asking before he cut in. “I’m so fucking suicidal, it’s burning inside me but if I tell anyone that, they’ll lock me in a psych ward and won’t do anything to help get me to see him. Please don’t tell anyone. They’re watching me here round the clock anyway. There’s nothing I can do to act on it. I just need to see him and I’ll be okay. I—I don’t… there’s nothing I have control of in my life anymore. I don’t even have my dad.” Tears welled up again at that and he turned his head away, pissed off at himself for not being able to stop crying everytime he spoke to someone. It was just all too much.
Wiping Justin’s tears away again with her thumb, Reecy didn’t try to coax him to look at her again. Sometimes, if you had an opening and he was engaging with you, no matter how much you could see he was battling himself, the best thing was to try to keep the fraying line of communication open. “Do you want to talk about your dad, sweetie? Your Uncle Sam told me you said you didn’t want to see your dad, or even any of your family. You were so angry in the video you posted. It not a good idea to be alone when you’re angry.”
“I make him sick,” Justin whispered hoarsely, face still turned away. He tried to pull at the oxygen prongs in his nose because it was running when he couldn’t stop crying but these weren’t the usual sort. They were fitted in place with an elastic brace around his head. His balled his fist up again, fighting off the urge to rip them out anyway. It was getting harder and harder to do what they were all telling him he needed to do to get better when his mind was telling him he didn’t want to get better at all. “It’s me. I’m fucking angry at me,” he correct through gritted teeth.
One of the monitors started to trill very passive-aggressively but still some sort of alert and Reecy looked up at them, knowing she wouldn’t know what the fuck they were reading anyway. She was pretty sure Justin didn’t even realise his breathing had quickened and his face had gone red, like he was burning up. She didn’t know if it was a panic attack or something to do with his injuries. She just didn’t know enough and knew she was out of her usual depth. But still, he wasn’t withdrawn from her. It was something. “Justin,” she said firmly, clearly, making sure the only touch she gave him was a tight, sharp squeeze to his hand. She never called him Justin.
Justin blinked and turned his head sharply to look at her. It sounded so foreign hearing her say that and along with the hint of pain when she squeezed his fingers, it jolted him back from whatever his mind was trying to pull him under again with. He shook his head and started to cry again, pleading helplessly, “Can you stay with me? I’m scared.”
Reecy folded him into another careful cuddle, nursing his head against her shoulder while he broke down. She stroked her fingers through his hair again and this time, she couldn’t stop her own tears spilling over. “I’m not going anywhere, Smooshie. I’m here and I’m so fucking scared too.”
LOG, COMPLETE
What: Pain & Happiness
Where: Sydney, Australia
When: After this and this
Reecy and Kyan had been given permission to attend the ICU as Justin’s family. All those wheels had been set in motion before they even arrived in Australia and Reecy was glad there wasn’t any hassle when she finally got to the hospital. Mark was still out of action but she had spoken to both of Justin’s moms, his grandparents, and Sam, and they all couldn’t be sure if Justin would be okay to accept visitors and even if he did, how he would be for them. His mental stability had deteriorated with the traum and being unable to see Sasha but Mhari had finally been able to get in to see them both. Reecy didn’t know how that had gone yet. As soon as she had gotten then greenlight to visit Justin, she and Kyan had jumped in their hire car and driven straight to the hospital.
Stepping through the large ICU security doors once they were buzzed in, Reecy had to stop and move over to the wall to take the railing, putting a hand on her stomach and taking some deep breaths. There was just something about the antiseptic smell of a hospital that brought back a lot of memories.
Kyan quickly wrapped his arm around his wife in concern. “You okay, baby? Are you sick? Do you need the bathroom?” He was so ultra-conscious right now that she was pregnant and it was considered a high risk pregnancy due to her past. But not only that, he knew how much she hurt and stressed when Justin was in a bad way. It was just added stress with how it had all come to be this time, and the fact it was Sasha too. Kyan knew Reecy had adopted that guy like another little brother from the moment Justin told her he was in love again. That was just how it worked when you were a big sister like Reecy. He raked her hair back and tucked it behind her ear, kissing the top of her head. “Do you want to sit down for a minute?”
Reecy shook her head and swallowed heavily, clinging to Kyan for dear life. “No. I don’t think so? I’m not sure I even know how to tell anymore…” Was that sickness in her gut from the pregnancy or raging anxiety about seeing Justin? Probably both. There was also the indistinct wooziness that felt sort of like how she did the first two times she had been pregnant in her life and suffered fainting spells but she hadn’t been able to face putting anything but water in her mouth in the mornings this time around and frequently that lasted into the afternoon or evening. “No, I just… just want to see my boy. That’s all. I’ll be okay. It’s just…”
“A lot. So much,” Kyan murmured, rubbing soft circles to her lower back. “You don’t have to be okay. He’s not going to be. I can see a sign to his room number just a little further down, sweetheart. He’s right there. Just one foot in front of the other.” Fuck, did he wish he could help more but he knew there was no white knight way he could fix anything here. It was a horrible situation and none of them should be here. If anyone knew the pain of seeing a loved one seriously ill, it was Kyan. He held his mom’s hand as he took her last breath and they weren’t memories you could ever erase. He knew what his wife was trying to shoulder. Nothing he could do could take the weight of that away.
“Reecy, Kyan… you came.”
At hearing their names, Reecy looked over her shoulder and saw Sash’s mom, Mhari, exiting one of the rooms and hurrying up the corridor to them. “Mhari!” She took Mhari’s outreached hand and they shared a clinging hug. When it ended, she softly rubbed Mhari’s shoulders, seeing the pain and exhaustion cloaking every inch of her. “How’s Sash? How’s Justin, have you spoken to him? Gen said you were able to get in to see them yesterday.”
Mhari nodded, rubbing her forehead tiredly. “No change with Sash. No change isn’t a bad thing, though. I just don’t feel like I have the strength for more waiting but I’ll find it somehow. We’re trying to arrange flights for Martin and his carer. He’s never travelled without me, not since the accident.” With a shaky hand, she swept the stray strands of blonde curly hair out of her eyes. “Justin’s… he was more receptive to me yesterday. Though, even that was challenging. I’ve never seen him this unwell, it’s frightening. I’m working with the staff here to try to get him to be able to see Sash but it’s still in the works. You always connect with him. I think you’ll have more success than I have today. He’s not even talking to the medical staff. He makes eye contact on and off but it’s fleeting. What storm he must have in his head…”
Reecy bit her lower lip and shared a glance with Kyan. “Is it like he’s giving up?”
Mhari went to reply but hesitated, stopping to think more on the question. “It’s just like he’s not there sometimes. He’s not… no. I don’t think he’s giving up. But does he even have a choice if he’s so unwell?”
“Not if he’s dissociating. And that’s the terrifying part,” Reecy conceited quietly. “I was with him when Bondi happened and it was the worst day of my life. I can see the signs, I can recognise some of the verbal red flags. It’s just not always easy to differentiate from his mental fatigue, which happens when he’s rapid-cycling. Couple that with the physical pain and incapacity, I just… I’ve been scared for days that he might not even engage with me. We have a really close connection but it wasn’t enough for Bondi, so…”
Mhari patted Reecy’s arm and then gave both her and Kyan kisses on their cheeks. “But you’re both still here and that’s what the boys need from us right now, if nothing else. No one wants to be alone when in that much pain.”
“Do you want to sit down and have a coffee with me, Mhari? Reecy’s just going in to see Justin on her own for a bit so he’s not too overwhelmed.” Kyan offered.
“I’d like that. I think all I’m running on now is coffee and hope.” Mhari smiled sadly through her exhaustion. “I’ll meet you in the family room.”
Once left alone with Kyan outside Justin’s room, Reecy wet her lips and took a couple of deep bracing breaths. Then shared a kiss with Kyan as she let go of the railing again — not having even noticed that she had grabbed it again — and tried to ignore the unsteadiness thrumming through her. She was so grateful he was here. There was no way in hell she could face this alone, even if she knew she had to go in to see Justin by herself, even just at first. She grabbed Kyan’s hand and squeezed it tightly. “Will you be okay while I’m in there?”
“Of course I will, baby. Don’t you worry about me, I’ll be right out here with Mhari if you need me.” Kyan nodded back towards the small visitors waiting area with a coffee machine and couple of sofas they just passed. He folded her into an embrace that lingered for a few moments. “Just remember, we’ve got good news too.”
That made Reecy smile despite her anxiety and she nodded. “He probably won’t believe me,” she said with a little laugh but then the deep frown of worry returned as soon as it passed. “Fucking hell in a handbag, how did we get here? Fuck. Fuck!” she growled, more to herself than anything else, fist clenching at her side. But there was no way in fucking hell she could take anger into that room with her.
Kyan knew it was rhetorical so he just gave her a small sympathetic smile and after another quick kiss, he watched Reecy as she released his hand and stepped up to the glass doors, waiting while she hit the button to open them and then disappeared through them.
Once Reecy was in Justin’s room and saw him immobilized in the bed, she didn’t hesitate going straight over to him, gently touching her fingertips to the back of his hand so he would look at her. She wouldn’t risk further touch but she needed him to feel that she was there. “Smooshie…” she murmured, eyes already brimming with tears. Beyond an initial reflexive reaction of him almost pulling his hand away at the touch, he barely responded. There were a few long moments before he blinked slowly a couple of times and his gaze shifted from what seemed to be a poster in the corner of the room to look at her. Even then, it was like he looked right through her. But then, she was sure she clocked even just a hint of awareness to her in his eyes and she seized it, taking his hand fully and squeezing it softly. “Oh, baby boy, I’m so sorry.”
Justin took in a hitched breath, blinking again as he looked over Reecy’s face and felt her warm hand around his. “It’s… you. You came.” He looked down at their hands and weakly squeezed hers back. “Are you really here? I— I don’t…”
“It’s okay, Smooshie. It’s me. I promise, I’m really here. Like you could keep me away.” Reecy sat on the side of the bed beside him, keeping a secure hold on his hand. Relief flooded through her when he squeezed her fingers back, even if it was nothing more than a little pressure before he released it again. There was confusion, like he’d his head and was disoriented but he hadn’t completely slipped away. After the brief conversation with Mhari, she was worrying she might’ve been too late getting here. When she spoke with Sam on the phone and then Gen and Alexis in person, there was the strong fear dissociation would swallow Justin again. “Just take your time, okay? You don’t have to talk if you don’t want to. We can just sit.”
It did take some time. It was hard for Reecy to know if she lost him back into himself, if he was in too much pain to talk, or he was so unwell with an episode that he wasn’t sure she was even real. Maybe it was a degree of all of the above but it didn’t matter. She looked down at his hand, seeing it marred with ugly bruises that looked to me more from failed IV lines than just injury from the accident. It hurt to see him in pain. It always would. It didn’t get easier. This time it seemed so much harder, for some reason. It was senseless. The accident should never have happened. This wasn’t just because Justin’s brain was unwell and he couldn’t regulate his emotions. It wasn’t because he’d harmed himself. This happened when he was stable, happy, and well. You could never take the stable, happy, and well moments for granted and that was why it seemed so cruel they had been invaded with this, in the wrost fucking way possible. She leaned over and brushed a gentle kiss to his fingers, making sure to keep reminding him that she really was there but letting him stay lost in his silence as long as he needed.
“I’m so scared,” Justin finally whispered, sucking in a gasp of breath when it all felt like it was going to suffocate him again. When these feelings started to overwhelm him, he wasn’t sure he could trust his lungs to keep working. They hurt, along with everything else. “I think he’s gonna die, Ree. And I’m not there. All those times since we fell in love that I couldn’t hold on, when I woke up, he was there and… a— and I’m not.”
“Hey, hey…” Reecy put her hand to his cheek and shook her head when he looked at her, his eyes red-rimmed and teary. “Don’t write him off just yet, Smooshie. That stuff you have deep down inside you that helps you keep waking up for him? He has that too. And I know you don’t know what it is and you can’t name it, let alone understand it, but don’t underestimate it while he’s still fighting. That’s a lesson we all had to learn with you, sweetness, so I know it’s not an easy one. But you have to learn it. For him, just like he did for you. You are there for him, in here.” She turned his hand over and softly pressed it to his chest where his heart was.
Justin hung his head, trying to fold in on himself. “I don’t know if I can. I’m… I’m sick. I’m really trying but… I… I’m so fucking angry, ReeRee. At… at everything.” He pulled his hand away and pressed the heels of his palms to his eyes, no matter how much it hurt the bruises on his face. He made a soft sound that was like a mix of a moan and a sob. “I keep… waking up and feeling like Sash is holding me. Like we’re in bed at home and… everything’s fine. The I have to remember again. So, I don’t wanna sleep but they keep medicating me because I keep losing my shit. I can’t fucking stop it. You can’t help me, Ree. I’m too fucked in the head. It was too much for you to come.”
He was shaking all over now. Reecy coaxed his trembling hands away from his face when his knuckles turned white and she saw how hard he was pressing. Reaching to softly stroke his hair out of his face, she couldn’t remember the last time she had seen it this long. “You’ve been in a very serious car accident and your injuries would be enough to make anyone fucked in the head, let alone someone with mental illnesses and PTSD. Fucked in the head is better than dead, Smoosh. You’re still here. Not doing well but doing the best you fucking can with what you’ve got. Come here…” With a little bit of manouvering (and thankful that she was petite with no evidence yet that she had a bun in the oven), she moved to sit next to him on the bed and he sat forward a little so she could wrap her arm around him to give him a cuddle. He couldn’t move his lower half but she still did the best she could to find a comfortable spot for him. They did this so often in the past when he was hurting, sick, or struggling. Before things got serious with Sash, it wasn’t uncommon for him to turn up on her doorstep in the middle of the night after being plagued with nightmares and they’d have a good cuddle while he tried his best to regulate his emotions again. He had always let her be a safe place for him. Often, all he needed was comfort and she would always make sure he knew she was source of that for him, no questions asked. “You know you’re always okay to be fucked in the head with me. Always, honeybunch. There’s no exceptions to that. And I’m always, always, always going to come when you need me.”
“Then I’m really fucked in the head.” Justin’s voice wavered when he got teary again but he was blinking them away. He didn’t have the energy for another breakdown like what happened when he saw Sash’s mom the day before. Something just combusted in him when he saw her and immediately engulfed with terror that she was about to tell him Sash had died. He really thought he had it together a bit better than he clearly did. It wasn’t that he was unconscious to the fact he was mentally unstable right now but knowing his dad was home trying to detox from alcohol again after what was effectively a mental breakdown and overdose, then finally seeing Mhari just pushed him over the edge. “I’m trying so hard to be strong for him but I—I— can’t… I don’t… Are you really okay to be here…? With the show, with Ky…”
“Shhh. You know better than anyone that Caden has the best understudies in the business. That’s not as important as you and Sash right now. Ky’s right outside having a cuppa with Mrs Stanford. There’s nowhere else in the world I should be.” Reecy was stroking her fingers slow and steady through his hair and kept holding him. She could feel his all-over trembling was easing in the embrace. He was scattered and his lucidity was a bit patchy but it was hard to tell if that was because of his bipolar with the trauma, medications, his injuries, his exhaustion and mental fatigue, or basically all of the above. Mostly, she was pretty sure his body and mind were overcapacity on its coping ability. He ran on empty with that at the best of times. Strength didn’t come into it when you were battle-weary and emotionally punch-drunk. Justin was strong. He was the strongest person Reecy knew, but he didn’t believe it or feel it, let alone understand how to yield it to any advantage, so it was irrelevant. “He doesn’t need you to be strong, baby, he just needs you to keep holding on, even if only by a thread. You just have to be what he fights back for. They aren’t my words of wisdom, they’re his.”
Justin stilled and he turned his head to examine her face with a furrowed brow of confusion, where he was trying desperately to see any signs that she had somehow spoken to Sash. But it was silly to take her words in that context and he knew it. Rationally, he knew if Sash had woken, he’d be one of the first to be told but he also had no real awareness of the reality of the situation either. Or time, which he had lost al concept of. All he had was what other people told him and even then, he wasn’t following or retaining a lot of it. Not really. Patchy, at very best. He couldn’t even remember Sash’s injuries and kept asking the staff to tell him again. He also kept asking how long his dad had been away for. It felt like weeks — maybe even months — when in reality, it was days, coming up to a week. “What do you mean?”
Reecy saw that she spooked him and it was only after he was looking at her like that, like a confused kicked puppy, that she caught herself and had to remind herself to be careful what she said and how she said it. She was still jetlagged and the morning sickness was taking its toll waking her up way too early and sometimes keeping her up way too late when it decided to defy the ‘morning’ description. She was definitely remembering why she had never much been a fan of the actual being pregnant thing but it did feel a lot different to the previous times. She was sure Kyan had a lot to do with that. He hadn’t been treating her like she should be wrapped in cotton wool but he had been treating her like she deserved to be coocooned in silk. He was definitely the Robin to her Batman if, you know, they were married and Batman could get knocked up. “The last time you were fighting in an ICU, he said that to me. He told me he wasn’t okay and didn’t feel strong enough for any of it but he knew as long as he kept showing up for you, you’d have a reason to fight back because you’d made a promise to him that as long as he did, you’d try if you could.”
Sinking his head back against the pillow when Reecy resumed stroking his hair, Justin frowned, trying to think back. “I… yeah, I think I did say that to him once. Like, fuck… in our really early days, maybe? After the first time I attempted when we first started dating. I’d asked him before if he’d be even able to handle it if I ever hurt myself or worse, because I would. There’d be a time it would happen. I promised him if he was there’d, I’d always have a reason to try to pull through. I fell so fucking hard for him, I believed it too. I guess I still do. But he hurt his head so bad, Ree. Even before the accident, they said he could’ve died and I didn’t even realise something was wrong.”
“I don’t believe that, Smooshie. That’s just your head playing tricks on you. You always know when something’s wrong with him. You know when something’s wrong with everyone you love. Just because you didn’t know what it was or how serious, I know you would’ve known he wasn’t well.” Reecy had learned so soon after meeting Justin and he was diagnosed with bipolar that sometimes, all you could do was counteract his negative self-thought and incorrect negative perception of himself. Nine times out of ten, he wouldn’t believe you when you did but he did listen and that was better than nothing.
“With a migraine, not fucking DYING!” Justin exploded and was again hit with that horrible claustrophobic sensation of being trapped, unable to even move away in reflexive defence, let alone run away and do something to hurt himself. But he knew Reecy didn’t deserve to cop his anger and he gripped his hand in a fist, pressing it against his mouth with his eyes squeezed shut. It was some long moments he had to take fighting to dial his emotions back. “I should be alone. I don’t wanna keep feeling like this!”
Reecy shook her her head, again taking the hand away from his mouth and his time lacing their fingers in hopes she could ground him again. “Well, I can’t let you be alone again just yet, Smooshie. Because I have some news for you that I wanted to tell you in person. Something I hope that might help cheer you up just little…” There was a bottle of water with a straw in it sitting by her on the bedside cabinet so grabbed it and offered it to his mouth, hearing he was getting hoarse and little breathless on his longer sentences, even when he was being given what Sam had called high-flow oxygen therapy with nasal prongs because of the chest trauma he had in the accident. She had asked Sam if that could mean Justin might not be able to sing professionally again but he said it was too soon to tell and they were much more concerned the pelvic fracture would spell the end of his professional dance career. No wonder the poor kid was so fucking messed up right now, his whole world was poised to implode.
Justin gratefully took a drink and was trying to read her face again, like he was trying to parse if there would be somehow be more bad news and the hope it might ‘cheer him up’ was just wishful thinking. It seemed to be nothing but bad, painful news when people came and told him they had to talk to him. Suddenly, he felt a heavy sheet of exhaustion settle over him and he closed his eyes, breathing out slowly through his mouth and knotting the hem of the sheet tight around his fingers, not saying anything.
He was bracing himself, Reecy realised, and her heart felt like it crushed into a million pieces seeing it. He didn’t believe there was anything she could say to make him feel any better. He had so much horrible shit hit him lately that he was waiting for her to deliver more but she gave herself a firm pep-talk in her head not to start crying or it would confirm his fears even more. He was cutting off circulation in his fingers with the sheet, so once again, she gently and calmly helped walk him back by untangling it around his hand. “Smooshie… it’s good news, beautiful. I promise,” she murmured and gave him a little kiss on the cheek. “I would never hoodwink you if I had to give you any bad news. Do you want to know what it is?”
Justin nodded and said in a tiny voice, “Okay.”
Reecy just moved his hand that she was holding and gently placed it on her stomach with a smile, waiting to see if he worked it out.
At first, Justin didn’t get it but it was only a few moments that it took for the penny to drop and he blinked, processing it a bit more and trying to work out how to react. “You— really…? Are you…? Really?” He looked at his hand on Reecy’s stomach and then back to her face. “But you didn’t want…?” Goddamn, shit’s sake, why couldn’t his brain work better right now? Stringing full sentences together took more mental stamina that he had left.
“Really, really,” Reecy confirmed, breaking into a smile, rubbing the back of his hand. “And I know. It’s definitely been very much a surprise that we didn’t see coming. But maybe sometimes the world really does throw us something happy to counter all the pain. A very, very tiny something yet but so far so good, and Ky and I were hoping that if everything goes okay, you’ll be our little button’s guidefather.”
For a few moments, Justin had a deer caught in headlights look but then, “You really want me?” he asked, right before he burst into tears when another bomb of mixed emotions hit him but this time, definitely not a bad one. Just overwhelming. “Are you even going to be okay?” he sobbed, trying to sweep the tears from his eyes with his fingertips and then put his arm around her to give her an attempted hug the best he could.
“More than I want Kyan’s bum and trust me, right now, that’s a lot,” Reecy joked, kissing the top of his head with a little laugh. It was hard not to tear up with him when he burst into tears but this time, she could hear it wasn’t because he was in pain. “I’ve seen how amazing you are as a big brother. You’ve got this in the bag, sweetiepie. It’s too early to know how it will all be but so far, everything is how it should be and even if Ky and I are terrified something might go wrong like last time, we have everything crossed it will be okay. Do you want to see?” She pulled her small handbag close from where she put it on his bed table before sitting with him for a cuddle and pulled the first ultrasound photo from the side pocket, holding it for him to see.
“That’s a baby. Oh my god.” Justin caught his lip between his teeth but then — by some small almost-literal miracle — he started to smile through his tears, touching his fingertip to the little black spot on the photograph. “You’re really gonna have a baby, ReeRee.”
The smile was infectious and Reecy brushed a tear from his cheek with her thumb. “There he is. I knew he wasn’t completely gone. I love you to the moon and back, okay? If you can just try to hold on one day at a time for Sash and for our little one, Smooshie, that’s enough. Because he or she is going to be getting one of the most amazing guidedaddies ever and I really want them to be able to meet him and his beautiful fiancé one day.”
Justin was too choked up to speak then but he nodded, wrapping his arm around Reecy again and burying his face in her shoulder when her including Sash in this happy news brought on a fresh wave of tears. More than fucking anything he wanted to promise her that would happen but they both knew it wasn’t a promise he could for certain keep. But he could try. Somehow, he’d figure out how to do that, even if most days right now, it hurt like fucking hell. The way Reecy was stroking his hair while they both cried was what he needed more than anything in the world and he hadn’t even know that until she was there. When he finally conquered the latest hurdle of bawling his eyes out, he was hiccupping and accepted another drink of water when Reecy offered it. “Sorry. Just… feels like I can’t stop crying all the time. Are you… okay? Is the baby? Is Kyan? You’ll all be okay, yeah?”
Reecy’s first reflexively thought was to want to throw a pile of reassurances at Justin, promise it would all be happy and perfect and that he had nothing to worry about. He would know she was bullshitting him, though. He always did. It had been a long time since she ever tried to bullshit him because he hated that and she knew he could handle the difficult truths. Even as emotionally overwhelmed and in pain as he was, he was asking. She had to keep it real. Especially because he knew what she went through when she went through an abortion with complications and then later, lost a twin pregnancy that put her life on the line. He had been a rock for her through both those awful experiences, even when he had been going through a lot himself. You could never underestimate Justin’s age. She was so sure he was more wise than all of them who had decades on him in age collectively. “Because of what happened with the twins, it’s a high-risk pregnancy. But that just means watching closely and finding any signs something’s amiss quickly. We have the best medical people in our corner too, even a granddad who’s a doctor. We’re all really good so far. Baby’s perfectly healthy and even though Ky and I are nervous, we’re hopeful. One day at a time, yeah?”
“You can tell me you’re scared,” Justin told Reecy softly, his head now dropped wearily on the pillow as he watched her closely while she talked. “I know what one day at a time is code for.”
Reecy gave Justin’s nose an affectionate tap. “I knew you wouldn’t let me get away with any bullshittery, Smooshie. It’s true, I’m absolutely fucking terrified it will all go wrong again. I just hope if I don’t say it out loud too much, it might get easier or go away.”
“More bullshittery,” Justin murmured and this time, he took Reecy’s hand to hold. “It doesn’t work like that. It’s more, it gets easier if you do say it. Doesn’t take it away but then I guess, you’re not bullshitting yourself. Trust me, I’m a fucking expert on that. It doesn’t get easier. It just… I guess it reminds you you’re still alive when sometimes, it makes you feel like you’re fucking dying.”
Reecy heard the exact moment Justin’s tone changed, detached or disconnected. “Smooshie, are you—”
“Yes.” Justin didn’t wait to hear what she was asking before he cut in. “I’m so fucking suicidal, it’s burning inside me but if I tell anyone that, they’ll lock me in a psych ward and won’t do anything to help get me to see him. Please don’t tell anyone. They’re watching me here round the clock anyway. There’s nothing I can do to act on it. I just need to see him and I’ll be okay. I—I don’t… there’s nothing I have control of in my life anymore. I don’t even have my dad.” Tears welled up again at that and he turned his head away, pissed off at himself for not being able to stop crying everytime he spoke to someone. It was just all too much.
Wiping Justin’s tears away again with her thumb, Reecy didn’t try to coax him to look at her again. Sometimes, if you had an opening and he was engaging with you, no matter how much you could see he was battling himself, the best thing was to try to keep the fraying line of communication open. “Do you want to talk about your dad, sweetie? Your Uncle Sam told me you said you didn’t want to see your dad, or even any of your family. You were so angry in the video you posted. It not a good idea to be alone when you’re angry.”
“I make him sick,” Justin whispered hoarsely, face still turned away. He tried to pull at the oxygen prongs in his nose because it was running when he couldn’t stop crying but these weren’t the usual sort. They were fitted in place with an elastic brace around his head. His balled his fist up again, fighting off the urge to rip them out anyway. It was getting harder and harder to do what they were all telling him he needed to do to get better when his mind was telling him he didn’t want to get better at all. “It’s me. I’m fucking angry at me,” he correct through gritted teeth.
One of the monitors started to trill very passive-aggressively but still some sort of alert and Reecy looked up at them, knowing she wouldn’t know what the fuck they were reading anyway. She was pretty sure Justin didn’t even realise his breathing had quickened and his face had gone red, like he was burning up. She didn’t know if it was a panic attack or something to do with his injuries. She just didn’t know enough and knew she was out of her usual depth. But still, he wasn’t withdrawn from her. It was something. “Justin,” she said firmly, clearly, making sure the only touch she gave him was a tight, sharp squeeze to his hand. She never called him Justin.
Justin blinked and turned his head sharply to look at her. It sounded so foreign hearing her say that and along with the hint of pain when she squeezed his fingers, it jolted him back from whatever his mind was trying to pull him under again with. He shook his head and started to cry again, pleading helplessly, “Can you stay with me? I’m scared.”
Reecy folded him into another careful cuddle, nursing his head against her shoulder while he broke down. She stroked her fingers through his hair again and this time, she couldn’t stop her own tears spilling over. “I’m not going anywhere, Smooshie. I’m here and I’m so fucking scared too.”
LOG, COMPLETE