"I can't brave this alone, quarantine my heart, baby."

[photoflashes]

Who: Jaxson Colt, Paxton Carlyle, Brandon Blake and Merlin Blake
What: Double Date-ish
Where: Brandon and Merlin's Place, Upper East Side, NYC
When: Quarantine O'Clock, like everyone else

Brandon had only been released from hospital mere days before lockdown hit and he went from an isolation ward in hospital to basically the exact same thing at home. Jaxson and Paxton were staying with them, so they were all under the same - thanksfully very large - roof when the New York quarantine orders came. It was a surreal time, so say the least, but Jaxson was glad he was here, even if he knew his family in Australia were worried like hell that he was basically in the epicentre of coronavirus hell in New York.

Paxton's condition hadn't improved like his doctors hoped and he still couldn't walk. He wasn't paralysed, he just didn't have function in his legs to hold him up. Jaxson stuck to his word and wanted to stay with him, try dating, help him. It wasn't easy. Paxton didn't want to talk much about what happened or about the chance the meningococcal meningitis might've left him with permanent or long-term disability. Jaxson was still learning how to navigate that. On the upside, Paxton was the sweetest guy with a great sense of humour, so he was in relatively decent spirits, all things considered. It was just a weird time for everyone and they were in the same boat... they both had family overseas they were worried about, and vice versa.

They were Netflix-and-Chilling (literally, not figuratively, because sex wasn't a subject Paxton wanted to talk about either) on the sofa when Brandon and Merlin came into the livingroom to join them, albeit very slowly. Brandon was still very weak and had basically been on total bedrest, needing help to get around, so Jaxson was surprised to see him up. "Wow, he's risen! What did you do to deserve the good behaviour release, mate?"

Comments

[englandrocks]

"I have no bloody idea how he's somehow fallen for me when I'm like this," Paxton confessed now he had a few spare moments one-on-one with Brandon and Merlin. He didn't know any of them very well but he was loving being here with them. He couldn't be more grateful that Brandon invited him to stay at their place while he recuperated, especially with the virus. He couldn't risk catching it after being so sick with meningitis, so he was glad to have this extensively quarantined bubble with some cool people to spend it with. Even just now, to be up out of bed and chilling out was everything. He nearly lost his life and it was really making him appreciate what he still had. "I've been in seriously bad shape. All the embarrassing things. I've even been incontinent and I'm so embarrassed about it. I can't shower or dress on my own. Waking him up at all hours of the morning because I need help to use the bathroom. I'm in all this pain. But... he's here and he's gorgeous. With his job, he could have anyone. I mean, you don't feel like you're missing something vital without sex? Does being ill not make you feel like a burden or a pain in the arse, Brandon? I think I'm just... I don't know, scared this is it for me. I might not get any better."

[signofthetimes]

Brandon put his hand on Merlin's thigh once they were sitting together, his heart going out to Paxton because he empathised exactly how he was feeling. He'd been there. "Well - as someone pretty wise beyond his years asked me - if the shoe was on the other foot, if this was Jaxson or even Liam when you were with him, would you think anything less of him? Would you not take care of him if he needed it? It's hard. So fucking hard, I know. I know that feeling like a useless burden. Feeling embarrassed and mortified about losing your dignity. It fucking sucks to go from a healthy independent person to sick and disabled, in ways you could never have anticipated you'd ever end up. It fucking sucks to face up to the fact you nearly died and that's terrifying, leaving you feeling nothing like your old self. In amongst all that, somehow, you find someone who cares about you and is telling you they want to be with you and having feelings for you. The last thing you feel is appealing or attractive. But that's not what love's about, dude. Not real love. I had to learn that. I was like a fucking brick wall when Merlin was trying to convince me of all this in the early days. But little by little, I had to get used to his help and believe him when he said he didn't think any less of me because I was sick. We're all human. We all get sick, we all shit, puke, pee. I've known Jax for years and he was the only person I trusted for a long time. He's not pulling your leg. He's genuine. He was smitten with you at our wedding and it terrified him seeing you so sick. Just let yourself be. It'll be easier if you do." He laughed and wet his lips. "I feel like I'm missing a fucking limb without sex. Now, that I'm feeling better. Even then, physically, I can't. You're still sick. Give yourself a break and take it a day at a time."

[magicmoments]

"Okay, I think I can offer some insight into the flipside here. I can't promise I do it without my eyes leaking, though. Just a head's up. It was hard and hurt a lot, but not because it was too hard or I thought any less of Bran because he was sick. It was actually the opposite. Because he was sick, he had to expose epic vulnerability and weakness to him, which I know was hard. He wasn't used to being taken care of. So, I had to conquer that stuff before I had a hope of convincing him I was here because I loved about him and cared about him." Merlin had to pause because that was the exact moment his eyes did threaten to tear up and his throat caught with the emotion. "The first night we even spent together, he was sick. He was throwing up and had a terrible nosebleed. I was up with him in the night and I think it exposed me to the reality of cancer right off the bat and I didn't think I had what it took to help him. I doubted myself a lot. I also knew he was embarrassed, mortified even. He didn't need to be. I fell for him harder that night than I ever would on a date. It definitely got easier for both of us once he relinquished that fear it would scare me away or he was a burden. Don't shut yourself off to protect him. Just understand that the only thing he is thinking about is wanting to help you. And he means it. It's not lip service."