"I can't brave this alone, quarantine my heart, baby."

[photoflashes]

Who: Jaxson Colt, Paxton Carlyle, Brandon Blake and Merlin Blake
What: Double Date-ish
Where: Brandon and Merlin's Place, Upper East Side, NYC
When: Quarantine O'Clock, like everyone else

Brandon had only been released from hospital mere days before lockdown hit and he went from an isolation ward in hospital to basically the exact same thing at home. Jaxson and Paxton were staying with them, so they were all under the same - thanksfully very large - roof when the New York quarantine orders came. It was a surreal time, so say the least, but Jaxson was glad he was here, even if he knew his family in Australia were worried like hell that he was basically in the epicentre of coronavirus hell in New York.

Paxton's condition hadn't improved like his doctors hoped and he still couldn't walk. He wasn't paralysed, he just didn't have function in his legs to hold him up. Jaxson stuck to his word and wanted to stay with him, try dating, help him. It wasn't easy. Paxton didn't want to talk much about what happened or about the chance the meningococcal meningitis might've left him with permanent or long-term disability. Jaxson was still learning how to navigate that. On the upside, Paxton was the sweetest guy with a great sense of humour, so he was in relatively decent spirits, all things considered. It was just a weird time for everyone and they were in the same boat... they both had family overseas they were worried about, and vice versa.

They were Netflix-and-Chilling (literally, not figuratively, because sex wasn't a subject Paxton wanted to talk about either) on the sofa when Brandon and Merlin came into the livingroom to join them, albeit very slowly. Brandon was still very weak and had basically been on total bedrest, needing help to get around, so Jaxson was surprised to see him up. "Wow, he's risen! What did you do to deserve the good behaviour release, mate?"

Comments

[englandrocks]

Paxton still felt like he was imposing staying here at Merlin and Brandon's place but it had actually been nice being on this lockdown with Jaxson. Brandon and Merlin's place was bloody massive and there was plenty of entertainment options but a lot of the time he and Jaxson had just spent getting to know each other. Paxton was gun-shy. He knew that. There were a lot of topics of conversation he had been avoiding because he didn't know how to talk about them without getting embarrassed or having anxiety about whether it was too much TMI for Jaxson for when they were effectively in the very early days of dating. It was far from an ideal time to begin a relationship but Jaxson was a great guy and he had been so sweet with everything. He hadn't even had much of a chance to chat with Liam by FaceTime because he was a doctor and therefore a frontline worker who had been taking extra shifts in critical care to help with the overloaded healthcare system with the virus. He missed his BFF but everyone had sacrifices to make right now.

He smiled when Brandon and Merlin came to join them and he shifted himself a bit closer to Jaxson so Brandon and Merlin could join them on the sprawling modular sofa that skirted the area near the huge TV. "How are you feeling, Brandon? You look a little better than when I last saw you. Hey, Merlin," he added with a smile.

[signofthetimes]

"Jeezus fuck, don't speak too soon and jinx me or my husband will drag me back to bed." Merlin helped him sit and he was already wipe out just from the elevator ride down from their room. But today was the best day he had in a long time and he wanted to give feeling human a shot, even if it was just for an hour or two. "Hey, Pax. How are you holding up, man? I feel like we've hardly two words to each other since we met but you got this fucker to fall in love with you. I need to do my BFF duties better and get to know you more. I'm feeling okay. Not so almost-dead."

Hedid a quit discreet analysis, trying to figure out if they were interrupting anything. But he really wanted to catch up with Jaxson and have some time out of bed. "Can we crash your Netflix date? Pretty sure I've watched the entire fucking catalogue, though. Unless you were about to have an epic makeout sesh or something. We can make ourselves scarce. Tea? Maybe we should make tea, babe. In the kitchen. Somewhere not here..." He couldn't exactly be discreet, though, because it was impossible to get out of the chair by himself once his ass was planted there.

[magicmoments]

"Anyone would think I had some epic Annie Wilkes vibes happening or some shit," Merlin joked and once Brandon was sitting, he kissed the top of his head and tucked the fluffy throw rug from the back of the sofa around him so he didn't get cold. Brandon was always lately. Now the night sweats had eased off with the leukemia cells eradicated from his blood, he was shivering more often than not. To the point Merlin actually got him a Snuggie as well as one of those giant freakish hoodie/blanket hybrids, which he loved. Merlin just wasn't allowed to tell anyone that. "Y'all gonna have to put up with us for at least an hour, though. I'm not taking him back upstairs yet or we'll start pushing into passing out territory. It's all strategy. No one's naked and no flies are unzipped so I'm making that tea. Are you guys even at that place yet, anyway?" They lived together now, so that left them open to the TMI questions. He wasn't sure if Paxton had functioning or not. Liam had said at one point he was struggling with those sorts of things.

[photoflashes]

Jaxson had his arm wrapped around Pax's shoulder and he rubbed his chest with a laugh. "See, not everyone who gets out of hospital wants to jump the bones of their lover, unlike you, Bran. Did you even manage to get naked without puking or passing out?" He kissed the corner of Paxton's mouth and then shrugged. "That's not on our menu at the moment. Pax hasn't been feeling up to much. His PT completely wipes him out and he keeps getting these migraine-like headaches. It's a work in progress, huh, babe? Don't worry, you're not crashing anything. We're just chilling out. Merlin, you sit. I'll make the tea." He knew Merlin had been as hands-on as any carer could be. Brandon might be out of hospital but he was still weakened and needing a lot of care. Making tea was the least Jaxson could do. It'd be nice for them all to hang out for a bit.

[englandrocks]

Paxton just laughed, shaking his head. "Guys, you don't have to walk on eggshells around me. Around this. It bloody sucks. It's been awful. I hate that it did all this to me but honestly, I'm just fucking glad to be alive. Everything else will take time and some days I'm a miserable bastard. I'm glad to be out of hospital and still can't quite understand how Jaxson wants to deal with this, but I'm not taking it for granted. Seeing as we're all here and pretty much stuck here together indefinitely, I'm just going to put this out there... my dick's not coming to the party and even if it was, I still get too dizzy and nauseous moving around too much. That's where I stand, or... er, sit. Seeing as my legs don't want to work either. I actually really appreciate being here with someone else going through similar incapacities. Life just has a way of getting you by the balls sometimes, huh?" He put his hand over Jaxson's on his chest and gave him a smirk. "You really do make rather good tea, darling."

[signofthetimes]

"Okay, just for the record, even if I have totally been wishing I could fucking jump my sexy as hell husband's bones, I've pretty much failed every attempt which hasn't been sexy at all. So, I'm with you Pax, dude. I know what you're dealing with, whether it's being physically wiped out or struggling with going from being a perfectly healthy cunt to needing to sit to take a piss or feeling sick all the damn time. I'm glad you're here and I think it's awesome you guys are figuring something out together. It's what Merlin and I did and somehow we made it work. You guys aren't going to get any judgement from us. Chill and be yourselves. You can talk to us about any of it or vent or bitch, whatever you need. We get it. Yeah?" Brandon just wanted them both to know that. Especially Jaxson. They hadn't had much chance to get their BFF'ship back on track but this would give them time for that. He would get him one-on-one a bit later. "Jax, man, tea approval from an actual Brit. Fucking winning at life." He held his hand up for Jax to high-5 him.

[magicmoments]

Merlin was nodding, wholeheartedly agreeing with everything Brandon was saying and smirking in amusement. It was hard how sick Brandon had been. Merlin felt like they had been to hell and back together and he was still healing from Brandon neary dying on him. That wasn't even an exaggeration. Brandon flatlined and nearly bled out. The doctors told him to prepare himself because Brandon was about as bad as he could before without actual death. On the flipside, Brandon was finally let out of hospital and he was feeling better than he had in awhile. Of course he wanted to push on that, try to do some things that were normal. Sex was right up there, for sure but he wasn't well enough for it yet. "This is all new, it's practically a double date. You guys are part of our family now and I think we're gonna be spending a looooooooooot of time together in all this, so if you wanna lament about broken or sick bodies not going what the fuck you need, it's all good, 'cause we get it. So, y'all official dating and trying to make it work the best you can? You okay after Liam got hitched, dude?" he asked Paxton.

[photoflashes]

Jaxson looked between Brandon and Merlin for a few moments and then had to laugh, shaking his head as he got up to go make tea. "Damn, it's still so surreal seeing you as a married dude and to another dude. I remember back in the good ol' days when your career took off and you were determined to stay in the closet until the hype over the show was over. It's still such a mindfuck how different everything is. It shouldn't have had to take nearly dying of cancer to get the happily ever after story you deserve. But look, here's the thing. We're all dudes here so Merlin and I both know we can't just stop ourselves getting hard-ons. I'm pretty sure, though, we're both pretty skilled in getting ourselves off. I know Pax is still dealing with a lot and it's a huge adjustment that he can't walk right now. I'm not in the mood for sex.I just do whatever to take care of inconvenient boners. And I think it's cool we're all figuring this stuff out, even if it's in different ways, you know? I mean, I can't deny the fact I feel useless and wish I could do more to help him. When he's feeling sick or in pain, I wish I could stop it. All this relationship stuff, it's new but it's still really nice despite the hard crap. Pax and I wouldn't have met if it wasn't for you two getting hitched." He stood behind Pax, wrapping his arms around him and kissing his cheek, issuing a little comforting rub to his chest. "Do you want that general tea or the herbal shit, love? Do you need anything for pain?"

[englandrocks]

"It does, indeed, bloody fucking suck to have body parts betray you. Mostly, I've been trying not to convince myself the karma train didn't hit me. There's also the issue that I don't clearly remember spending time with Jax when I was sick. It's hazy, which I feel bad about. I didn't understand why he wanted to stick around and put up with any of this because it was pretty awful. My head is almost always constantly aching, just varies in severity. But I'm alive and I'm not so convinced I would be if Jax wasn't there to get help when I needed it. Everything feels so strange, like I can't quite catch up but I'm happy for Liam. He's my best friend and I want him to be happy. He and Damien belong together." Paxton truly meant that. He hadn't thought he would make it to get the chance to see Liam get married, let alone be able to be his Best Man. There just hadn't been time to catch up before the pandemic hit and Liam would no doubt be thrust into the thick of battling on the frontlines as a doctor. He looked up at Jaxson, patting his hand. "You're not any more useless to me than Merlin is to Brandon, which is not at all. And you do make really lovely tea, darling. The general sort. I'm still not convinced the herbal isn't made from bark and gorilla piss. The pain's okay for now. Actually, maybe I should have something before it turns into anything bad."

[signofthetimes]

Brandon laughed and shared a high-5 with Paxton. "Fuck, I'm so glad I'm not the only one who thinks that when it comes to herbal tea. But Merlin wasn't going down without a fight on that front with me. Most days for awhile there, it was all I could keep down and there's a licorice-based one that helped the nausea but... have you tried weed, dude? It's really good for easing the puking and pain. Not always but it's definitely worth a shot. If you want to give it a go, just let me know. You're welcome to my stash. It's top grade shit." When Jaxson headed out to the kitchen to make tea, Brandon watched him leave and then leaned closer to Paxton. "I just want you to know, there's nothing harder than trying to help a relationship work when you're feeling like hell and scared about your health. It infiltrates everything and it's hard to just be a sick person, let yourself be taken care of. But Jax has got what it takes, even if he's a sympathetic vomiter," he laughed.

[magicmoments]

Merlin smirked as he watched Jaxson and Paxton together and once Jaxson left the room to make tea, he gave Pax a grin. "You two are so heart-eyeing each other, you know that, right? Look, trust me - and I can speak as authority on this - the whole taking care of someone you have feelings for when they're sick thing, it makes the feelings stronger. Just not necessarily the feelings you'd expect to have in early relationship days. It feels a bit surreal a lot of the time, like you're almost being inappropriate for feeling things when they feel so shit. But it's what got Bran and me closer. I mean, I was a virgin, so I can't speak for the sex thing but I'd assume sex and romance are usually the focus when you first meet someone. When you can't rely on that or have it in a usual way, you figure out what works for you instead. On the bad days, you're just together and, well, for me, I just wanted to do what I could to help him. If that was just lying with him while he felt sick or in pain, we did that. Even if Bran was embarrassed for a lot of it. Unnecessarily, but still." He shrugged and patted Brandon's knee through the blanket. "Is that where you guys are up to? Just figuring out the embarrassing stuff happens and then it gets easier? Or are you having second thoughts or doubts? We are your TLC relationship Yodas, dude!"

[englandrocks]

"I have no bloody idea how he's somehow fallen for me when I'm like this," Paxton confessed now he had a few spare moments one-on-one with Brandon and Merlin. He didn't know any of them very well but he was loving being here with them. He couldn't be more grateful that Brandon invited him to stay at their place while he recuperated, especially with the virus. He couldn't risk catching it after being so sick with meningitis, so he was glad to have this extensively quarantined bubble with some cool people to spend it with. Even just now, to be up out of bed and chilling out was everything. He nearly lost his life and it was really making him appreciate what he still had. "I've been in seriously bad shape. All the embarrassing things. I've even been incontinent and I'm so embarrassed about it. I can't shower or dress on my own. Waking him up at all hours of the morning because I need help to use the bathroom. I'm in all this pain. But... he's here and he's gorgeous. With his job, he could have anyone. I mean, you don't feel like you're missing something vital without sex? Does being ill not make you feel like a burden or a pain in the arse, Brandon? I think I'm just... I don't know, scared this is it for me. I might not get any better."

[signofthetimes]

Brandon put his hand on Merlin's thigh once they were sitting together, his heart going out to Paxton because he empathised exactly how he was feeling. He'd been there. "Well - as someone pretty wise beyond his years asked me - if the shoe was on the other foot, if this was Jaxson or even Liam when you were with him, would you think anything less of him? Would you not take care of him if he needed it? It's hard. So fucking hard, I know. I know that feeling like a useless burden. Feeling embarrassed and mortified about losing your dignity. It fucking sucks to go from a healthy independent person to sick and disabled, in ways you could never have anticipated you'd ever end up. It fucking sucks to face up to the fact you nearly died and that's terrifying, leaving you feeling nothing like your old self. In amongst all that, somehow, you find someone who cares about you and is telling you they want to be with you and having feelings for you. The last thing you feel is appealing or attractive. But that's not what love's about, dude. Not real love. I had to learn that. I was like a fucking brick wall when Merlin was trying to convince me of all this in the early days. But little by little, I had to get used to his help and believe him when he said he didn't think any less of me because I was sick. We're all human. We all get sick, we all shit, puke, pee. I've known Jax for years and he was the only person I trusted for a long time. He's not pulling your leg. He's genuine. He was smitten with you at our wedding and it terrified him seeing you so sick. Just let yourself be. It'll be easier if you do." He laughed and wet his lips. "I feel like I'm missing a fucking limb without sex. Now, that I'm feeling better. Even then, physically, I can't. You're still sick. Give yourself a break and take it a day at a time."

[magicmoments]

"Okay, I think I can offer some insight into the flipside here. I can't promise I do it without my eyes leaking, though. Just a head's up. It was hard and hurt a lot, but not because it was too hard or I thought any less of Bran because he was sick. It was actually the opposite. Because he was sick, he had to expose epic vulnerability and weakness to him, which I know was hard. He wasn't used to being taken care of. So, I had to conquer that stuff before I had a hope of convincing him I was here because I loved about him and cared about him." Merlin had to pause because that was the exact moment his eyes did threaten to tear up and his throat caught with the emotion. "The first night we even spent together, he was sick. He was throwing up and had a terrible nosebleed. I was up with him in the night and I think it exposed me to the reality of cancer right off the bat and I didn't think I had what it took to help him. I doubted myself a lot. I also knew he was embarrassed, mortified even. He didn't need to be. I fell for him harder that night than I ever would on a date. It definitely got easier for both of us once he relinquished that fear it would scare me away or he was a burden. Don't shut yourself off to protect him. Just understand that the only thing he is thinking about is wanting to help you. And he means it. It's not lip service."