Jesse Joe Hartley (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
slowsouthernstyle) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
dreamlikenewyork2019-05-06 04:33 am
slowsouthernstyle) wrote in dreamlikenewyork2019-05-06 04:33 am
"And in this marriage of our hearts, there is no death do us part."
Who: Jesse Hartley, Damien Larson, Liam Morgan, Merlin Larson and Brandon Blake
What: Interrupted Announcements
Where: Hartley/Turner/Casey Home, NYC
When: After this
Jesse worked night shift the night before but didn’t mind waiting up when Merlin sent him a text and asked him if he and Brandon could drop by before they flew up to Cape Cod for a few days after Brandon’s announcement about his cancer went public in a couple of hours time. It had been delayed a day when Lachlan wanted to keep him in an extra night after he needed more blood than anticipated with the transfusion. It was only once Jesse got home from work that he discovered Merlin asked Damien over too because Damien was already there with Liam, which started to make him nervous. He carried in a tray with tea and mugs, setting it down on the coffee table. “You’re sure he didn’t say what any of this was about? I’m freaking out they’ve got bad news.”
Damien and Liam were sitting on the sofa holding hands. They had planned to come over later anyway to pick up the last of Damien’s things now he was officially moving in with Liam. It was a decision they made together when they were in Seaside Heights after Liam suggested it. He had been right too, they needed to be able to have quality time together and considering life was chaotic and stressful, they had to take steps to be able to achieve that or their relationship reboot wouldn’t work. Not that Damien had any objections because there was nothing nicer than sharing a bed with the person you loved. He shook his head. “Nope, but we figured if it was bad news, they probably wouldn’t be going to Cape Cod and Merlin wouldn’t be reassuring us he was okay in the text.”
“I spoke to Lachlan before I finished work last night. He said Brandon was holding up okay and was in good spirits. There was just inevitable stress with his announcement and the news his cancer was responding to chemo. Lachie said with regular blood transfusions, he would start to feel a little better in general. Obviously, medically, we know he’s not going to jump up and run marathons but probably feel a little more himself. His Hb levels completely tanked with the GI bleeds,” Liam reported, knowing that Merlin probably didn’t get into the medical side of Brandon’s condition when he spoke to his brothers. The things that were out of his control and he couldn’t change. That’s what doctors were there for.
“What’s a Hb level and a GI bleed?” Damien asked, this not at all the first time Liam and Jesse did their doctor speak that he couldn’t translate. Any other situation, he’d be amused but considering this was Brandon they were talking about, he wanted to know.
Liam rubbed Damien’s leg. “Hb means hemoglobin, which is a protein in red blood cells that carry oxygen from the lungs to the rest of the body. When they’re low, you’re become anemic but with illnesses like leukemia where there is cancer cells in the blood, it can cause more bleeding or excessive bleeding. It can be life-threatening so you need to replace the blood cells so the body keeps getting the oxygen it needs. You’ve seen him have nosebleeds and how much he bleeds if he’s poked with needles. GI is gastrointestinal, that he’s been throwing up blood. It’s not uncommon with heavy chemo. The tummy gets very taxed and raw.”
Damien just bit his lip and scratched his forehead, nodding. That was the problem. Liam and Jesse knew medical stuff and at least had a hold on what was going on but Damien mostly just worried the love of his baby brother’s life might die soon and he felt so fucking helpless. Liam must have noticed he was a little shaken because he was giving him a querying look, making sure he was okay. Damien didn’t have a chance to say anything before Merlin burst into the room. Bursting into rooms really wasn’t expected.
“Hey! What the fuck are y’all doing here so early? I told you the time. Shit,” Merlin bitched, pacing back and forth between the bookcase and the door. Then he held up a hand which was soon scratched through his hair. “Sorry. I get it. I’m a snappy asshole and apparently the worst boyfriend in the world.”
Brandon was leaning against the doorframe, forearm resting against it so he could use it as a makeshift pillow. He offered a long-suffering scrunch of his nose when Damien and Jesse looked at him in unison. He and Merlin had a fight in the car on the way over from the hospital. Merlin seemed to be agitated and in a bad mood, Brandon was, as always, tired and nauseous, so he didn’t have a lot of patience. He made the error of demanding to know if it was because he had cold feet about getting married and Merlin hit the roof. Then Brandon’s patience was shattered and he snapped back that he couldn’t help it that he might die soon and promptly threw up all over himself.
Turns out hurling all over yourself was an excellent way to intercept an argument. Merlin had to pull over to help him and felt awful for being a bitch. Somewhere in amongst taking Brandon back to their place to clean him up and get him a change of clothes, Merlin admitted he forgot to make a doctors appointment to get a new script for his ADHD meds. He thought he had more left than he did but because he was tied up with Brandon needing more blood with the transfusion and had to have a small procedure to stop the bleeding in his gut, he ran out and had now skipped two doses. All this came pouring out of Merlin at such a rapid-fire pace, Brandon could barely keep up and begged him to slow down, ending up in tears. He didn’t mean it, it was just one of those moments where it all got too much and he knew it made Merlin feel even worse.
At the end of the day, it wasn’t anyone’s fault, but also at the end of the day, Merlin was still unmedicated and it was the first time Brandon had seen what his ADHD was like. Merlin couldn’t get an appointment with his doctor until the following morning so Brandon called up his doctor who did house calls and was happy to drop by before they left for Cape Cod after lunch. But in the meantime, Merlin didn’t want to go anywhere until he saw his brothers. “Or just unmedicated,” Brandon corrected tiredly, rubbing his hand over his mouth when he wasn’t sure what way the wooziness would go. “I need to sit down.” Getting to Cape Cod couldn’t come soon enough.
Jesse was on hand to help Brandon sit down on the other sofa and Liam jumped up to help too, his doctor reflexes kicking in. “Unmedicated? Aw, Merlin. Liam can write you a script.”
“Hey, he’s my fiancé, I can take care of him! I’m unmedicated, not crippled.” Merlin nudged Jesse out of the way so he could crouch down in front of Brandon now he was sitting. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry for being a cunt.”
But Brandon just put his hand over Merlin’s on his knee with a little pat, biting his lip and glancing over Merlin’s shoulder to where Jesse, Damien and Liam were all gaping at them. “I guess unmedicated means no filter too…?”
Damien was sitting forward on the edge of the sofa, not even sure he heard right until both Jesse and Liam clearly heard the same thing. Their mouths were dropping open too, so he was pretty sure they heard what he did. “Uh… okay, I’ve lived with Merl most of his life and sure, not taking his meds makes him as snappy and unfiltered as he possibly can be but never has it made him randomly call someone his fiancé before. Just saying. So, um…” He held his finger up, but he really had nothing after that.”
Brandon really couldn’t be relied upon to have the best timing these days and swallowed back a heave. “Oh, god, I’m sorry--” He pushed himself up from the sofa so he could bolt for the bathroom. “You stay,” he quickly added to Merlin before he followed to help.
Merlin flopped into the chair Brandon vacated with a heavy sigh, rubbing his face. “Fuck, I need a drink.” He pressed the heels of his hands to his eyes, mostly so he didn’t cry but that was really only there because he was feeling so agitated and like he was about to jump out of his skin.
“Jess, have you got any weed to spare?” Liam asked, knowing that as much as they probably wanted details of what was happening, Merlin would probably just end up escalating more and upsetting himself, upsetting Brandon. They both really needed a break. “We just need to calm him down a little. Do you think Jace will still be at the hospital with Evan? I can call through a script, they can bring the medication home for him.”
“Wait, what?” Merlin cut in, shooting Jesse a look. “You have weed?! Since when do you have weed?!” he shrieked.
Damien went to sit beside Merlin and put his arm around him. “Since it doesn’t matter so long as we get some into you, buddy. You’re escalating. You don’t need that and Brandon doesn’t need it. You know you gotta trust Li, he’s a doctor,” he joked, giving Merlin a smile as he soothingly rubbed his baby brother’s back.
Jesse sighed but nodded, smoothing Merlin’s hair down where he had it sticking up all over the place with his agitation. “I’ll be right back.”
Merlin rubbed his hands up and down his thighs, trying to shake the feeling like everything was collapsing in on him. He felt like such an asshole for arcing up against Brandon and causing their argument. “I need to go check on Brandon. That is, if he still wants me anywhere near him.”
“He does,” Brandon murmured, coming back into the room. He went straight over to Merlin, sitting beside him and resting his head on Merlin’s shoulder, tucking his arm around Merlin’s belly. “You’re driving me fucking nuts but it’s not your fault. You just get really friggin loud when you’re agitated and my… everything hurts. And I feel sick,” he added with a little moan.
“You should’ve been around him when he hit puberty and the hormones mixed up with ADHD chemicals and they had to bump up his meds. We had family meetings about investing in full body armour,” Damien joked because he knew that even if Merlin was agitated, he usually still managed to laugh it off once he called himself out on how he was feeling. Usually, he was well managed with meds. Of course, that didn’t count when he completely missed doses.
Merlin snorted but really was grateful Damien was throwing a bit of humour into this to lighten the mood. “I did not have that many hormones! Here, darlin’, lie down.” He shifted back into the sofa and coaxed Brandon to lie down and use his lap as a pillow.
Liam had his phone putting a call into the pharmacy at the hospital. “I love how the only part he denies is the hormones,” he said with a laugh and when the call connected, he asked to speak to the pharmacist. “What medication and dosage, buddy?”
Brandon reached up and softly patted Merlin’s cheek. “It’s okay, I still love you, sweetheart. I might want to kick your ass right now but it’s okay, I literally couldn’t put my own pants on this morning. I think you’re safe.”
Jesse came back with his vape pen as Merlin was telling Liam his medication dosage. He pulled an ottoman up to sit on and fired up the pen, then put it to Merlin’s lips, holding it for him. “It’s medicinal grade and I know you’re not used to this sort of stuff so very slow inhalation and not too deep. Hold it as long as you can so it gets to your bloodstream. It’s going to go to your head quickly and you’ll feel woozy. It’s going to irritate your throat.” This wasn’t something he wanted Merlin to know about. Not because he had anything against it, he didn’t. At all. In fact, he was a huge advocate for it for medical conditions. He didn’t want Merlin to know because he knew it would worry him that he needed it but it might not be something they needed to get into today. Obviously there were much bigger fish to fry here today and Merlin might not have the focus to interrogate him once he was buzzed and relaxed.
“First time? Entirely?” Brandon asked in surprise. He didn’t know why he assumed Merlin had tried weed before. Probably because most people his age had and Wes smoked. Wes had been honest about that and he and Brandon shared a few joints on the trip home. He watched Jesse holding the pen to Merlin’s lips and Merlin took the first hit. “Well, this is either going to be hilarious or terrifying. I don’t know enough about ADHD, are you sure it’s okay for him? I don’t want it giving him a migraine or anything.”
Damien was epic curious how his baby brother was going to be high but he could understand Brandon’s apprehension. “Don’t worry, buddy. Jesse is as straight-laced as they come. He wouldn’t be rolling with this is there was anything to worry about. Li wouldn’t have suggested it either. Oh, right… B, this is Liam, my partner. Li, this is Brandon, my baby brother’s fiancé.” Someone had to address the giant elephant in the room.
Merlin broke into a coughing fit but it was more to do with what Damien said than the weed, even if that was stinging his throat and making his eyes water. “What, so I fucked u-- ohhhh fuck…” He put his hand to his forehead and dropped his head back. It felt like those times when you had a cold and when you stood up to quick, you got a headspin. Only about a hundred times more intense. He squeezed his eyes shut. “Okay, I can’t decide if I like this or not.”
Brandon looked up at Merlin and took his other hand to hold. Then he glanced at Jesse, eyebrow raising. “Dude, where do you get your supply from? I want what he’s having. That’s fast-acting. It’s okay, baby, it’ll ease off.”
Jesse shrugged and offered the vape pen to Brandon if he wanted a hit. He knew Brandon had cannabis to help with nausea anyway.
Merlin went to get up, forgetting Brandon’s head was in his lap. Luckily, Jesse was close enough to grab him and stop him. “Whoa, whoa, where are you going?”
“I dunno,” Merlin said with a snort of laughter. “Just gonna go to the… the thingo.”
Brandon took a hit from the pen, holding the inhalation as long as he could before exhaling. The difference was that he had been smoking weed for years. This was Merlin’s first time. “It’s not going to make him worse, is it? He’s not going to start tripping or anything?”
Merlin forgot about his thingo. He moved on to stroking Brandon’s hair. “I love your hair. You have such nice hair, baby. He has nice hair. See?” He grabbed Liam’s hand and made him start stroking Brandon’s hair too.
Damien was laughing, he couldn’t help himself. “Oh, god. Please tell me I can film this!”
“Dude, he’ll kill you when he hits his come-down,” Jesse warned Damien, though he was smirking himself, carefully coaxing Merlin’s hand away from Brandon’s head. Chemo might not have caused his hair to fully fall out but Brandon said it was thinning and his scalp hurt. Merlin petting him like a cute puppy probably wouldn’t help. “Here, buddy.” He handed the pen back to Merlin. Two or three hits should make enough impact to pull Merlin back from the hyperactive pain in the butt he was unmedicated. Brandon probably didn’t have a lot of patience for it.
“Cannabis vape’s not enough to trip him, mate. It won’t make him worse. It’s a depressive substance, it’ll be a temporary fix until you get his meds,” Liam reassured Brandon, who was looking up at Merlin in concern.
Merlin dropped his head back again, coughing so hard, he farted, which made him burst out laughing. “Oh my god, I don’t even remember what I’m supposed to be saying anymore!” he said with a snort of laughter.
Brandon pulled himself up in a sitting position, unable to avoid joining the laughter now. “Fucking hell, I’m trying to survive here and you’re going to kill me with a fart, babe. Are you sure that’s just MJ in that pen? Jesus Christ.”
“We should get matching tattoos! Ohmygod, how cool would that be?! Where’s Jace? We can get something cool like… like… giant jellybeans on our butts,” Merlin decided, putting the pen back to his lips. Then he was back to giggling. “We totally need to get some of this shit for sex therapy, darlin’. I swear to god, this will give you a massive boner.”
Damien couldn’t stop laughing. This was getting better and better by the minute. Apparently Merlin had absolutely no filter when he was high. Soon, tears of laughter were pouring down his cheeks and he was trying to catch his breath. “What the fuck is sex therapy? There’s no brain-to-mouth filter here and he could literally spill the beans on why y’all came here but instead we’re getting giant jellybeans and massive boners.”
Liam wasn’t at all foreign to lack of filters. He often had patients who were off their face when they came around from anesthetic. At least Merlin laughing, farting, and talking about boners was a lot easier to wrangle than hyperactive agitated Merlin who Brandon didn’t have the energy to keep up with. Seeing Damien laugh like this again was a bonus here. He and Damien used to laugh all the time and he missed it. He actually missed the whole dynamic of a life with Damien and he would be lying to himself if he didn’t admit that the fact Merlin and Brandon were possibly engaged was really making his own mind churn into overdrive thinking things he didn’t expect to ignite so soon after their reunion.
Jesse was laughing too but being the more practical brother, he was discreetly plucking the pen from Merlin’s hand before he could get it to his lips again. He was also extremely glad Jace wasn’t home, for obvious reason. “Anything you wanna tell us, guys?”
“Fuck!” Brandon swore, cupping his face when blood started pouring from his nose. If only cancer had better timing. This bullshit was the story of his life right now. “There is, yeah. Shit. Sorry. I wanted this to be so much nicer…” Memories. He and Merlin had unconsciously moved into a phase where it was about memory-making in case he didn’t make it and his time was running out. He just wished he could pause all this cancer shit to achieve what they truly wanted those memories to be.
Seeing the blood somewhat tugged Merlin back to reality. He immediately reacted cupping his hands around Brandon’s to try to stop the blood splashing Brandon’s clothes. “Fuck, we need to get a bowl or something. He’s been swallowing the blood and making himself sick with the worst ones.” He squeezed his eyes shut because his head was spinning. “Why are we here again…?” he asked, his mind starting to feel foggy and spaced out.
Damien shot up as soon as he saw the blood pissing down Brandon’s face. This was the first time he had seen one of the nosebleeds and it was pretty confronting. It wasn’t just a trickle. It was more like a gush that would have splashed over his mouth and throat if he hadn’t put his hands up to stop it. Jesse was already bolting out of the room to get what they needed and Liam grabbed a box of tissues that was sitting on the coffee table, tearing a healthy handful of them to help Brandon press to his nose. “Butt tats, buddy,” he told Merlin, rubbing his little brother’s back in an effort to comfort him.
“Ohhhh yeah.” Merlin giggle-snorted at that, breaking into another fit of giggles he couldn’t stop coming. Jesse was back with a bowl, a roll of paper towels, a pack of antibacterial wipes, and a couple of towels. Merlin watched him tuck a towel down Brandon’s front and set the bowl in his lap. “Why am I laughing? This ain’t even how it was supposed to go. Ah, fuck it. We’re getting married in case Brandon dies. Like, in a couple of weeks. And I don’t even fucking care if anyone disapproves because I know y’all would do exactly the same thing if you had to wake up each day wondering if it might be the last with the person you loved so much it ached inside like your insides were being torn out or lying awake at night listening for their breathing when they spent that tiny lil’ bit longer in the same spot than you thought they should. So, I don’t give a fuck. Lecture me. I don’t care.” He threw his hands up, forgetting they were covered in bloody smears and pushed himself out of the chair. “I’m hungry. Do y’all have any chips?” He got up, was hit with a head spin, tripped over his own foot and stumbled right into Liam who was standing by Damien.
Liam caught Merlin before he fell and smashed his face in on the coffee table. His eyes shot quickly between Damien and Jesse. “I think we should have tea.” He was British after all. If all else failed… tea. He righted Merlin, moving him back to sit beside Brandon before he went to the tray to pour them all a mug of tea.
Damien was gaping, both hands up to his mouth. He thought the fiance thing was maybe that Merlin and Brandon joking. Or if they weren’t, it was just something they wanted to do someday later down the track. Reality hit him like a tonne of bricks with Merlin’s words, reminding him that Brandon might not have a later down the track. Without a bone marrow match, Brandon might not see Christmas or his next birthday, which was also ironically on Christmas Day. He was literally speechless because he couldn’t find anything worthy to say here. He knew anything he’d try, he would either fuck up or it wouldn’t be enough. He felt an inner panic, wondering if Merlin was planning on doing this without telling their parents. Now wasn’t the time to bring it up.
Jesse was perched on Brandon’s other side, carefully pulling away the wad of blood-soaked tissues from Brandon’s hands and replaced them with another lot, dropping soaking mess into the bowl. He was holding an ice pack to the bridge of Brandon’s nose with his other hand. He was shaken by the news, though not because he disapproved. It was because he knew how painful this decision probably had been for Merlin and Brandon. It ripped his fucking heart and he was fighting off the urge to cry. It shouldn’t be a sad thing. He cleared his throat. “As someone who has comes extremely close recently to losing a partner, Merlin, buddy, I understand. No one here is going to disapprove any decision you and Brandon need to make together right now. So, just sit down with him. Breathe. Let’s talk about this without you feeling so defensive. I’m sure this is not how either of you wanted this to play out.” He picked up the plate of freshly-baked cookies courtesy of Nana Turner, handing it to Merlin.
“Not really but shit - and ADHD - happens,” Brandon mumbled from behind the tissues. As soon as Merlin was sitting by him again, he used his shoulder as a pillow. The worst part about things shifting as Brandon veered closer to his potential expiry date without a match and having to face the reality he might not make it was hearing how much this was hurting Merlin. He had no idea Merlin did that, thinking he would die in his sleep or something. Brandon was even still stunned Merlin agreed to marry him, and within weeks. That had been such a bolt out of the blue but it showcased just how selfless Merlin was and how big of a heart he had. Brandon just hoped like hell it was the right thing. Though, considering Merlin had no filter with the marijuana in his system and his response was a giant COME AT ME, BITCHES, it didn’t seem like he had cold feet or reservations. He wrapped his arm around Merlin’s belly. “I’m so sorry,” he murmured to him, even if the words were muffled and distorted because of the damn tissues.
Merlin shoved two of the cookies into his mouth whole and he was looking at his brothers and Liam, assessing whether they were going to try to throw objections at him. It stopped him talking at first and then for a little longer when two more cookies were shoved in once he swallowed the first two. He washed them all down with some of the tea Liam gave him. “I fucking need memories, okay? I just fucking need memories before it’s too late to make any.” He was so ulta-conscious that Brandon had way more bad days than he did good, even if they were becoming experts in making the most of the good.
Tears sprung to Damien’s eyes and spilled over before he could stop them and he was inwardly kicking himself for not keeping it together. He sniffled, brushing the roughing from his cheeks. “Shit,” he mumbled, trying to swallow around the emotion restricting his throat. His heart was aching like a kick in the nuts seeing his baby brother go through this knowing there wasn’t a damn thing he could do to help or take it away. “Are you guys at least going to have a wedding? Not just paper-sign at City Hall? Fuck, is that why you’re going to Cape Cod? If it is, I’m fucking coming. I don’t care. You’re not getting married without me.”
“Have you been given bad news, Brandon?” Jesse asked, albeit hesitantly because he didn’t want to flare up raw and painful emotions. From what he knew of Brandon so far, in the little time he had known him and in contrast to the public face he put forward, he wondered if Brandon would even tell anyone if he had eventually been given a terminal prognosis. He was extremely private and Jesse had seen how difficult it was for him to be so vulnerable with his illness, losing dignity and agency over himself.
Brandon took the tissues away to see if the bleeding was easing. It was slowing, at least. “If they don’t find a match in the next twelve or so weeks…” He couldn’t actually say it out loud. Every time he tried, he made himself throw up. “It’s progressing that fast that beyond that, the transplant won’t work anyway. Which is probably when it’s time to concede defeat and pull the plug on treatment to just let it do its thing. I don’t want to spend my last days puking my guts up from chemo or too wiped out to make the most of the time left.”
Merlin couldn’t seem to avert the waves of giggling and he dropped his head back against the sofa, squeezing his fingers to his eyes. He could barely focus on the conversation. Whatever anyone was saying, it was all blurring into white noise. He was hearing it but he couldn’t focus on a specific train of thought. His mind was lethargically flip-flopping around everything. It was the weirdest feeling. “Imagine having a marriage certificate with ‘cod’ on it. Like cod-piece. I ain’t thinking about dicks everytime I look at my marriage certificate. Like, the only evidence my husband was ever my husband is a giant dong cover.” He put his hand to his chest, shaking his head with another laugh. “My heart’s racing. I think I’m having a fucking heart attack.” For some reason, this just made him burst into another bout of laughter.
Liam had to bite on his lip to stop himself laughing and took Merlin’s hand to check his pulse, timing it with his watch. Damien was in tears freaking out about Merlin and Brandon’s news, Brandon was bleeding all over the place and trying to keep it real, Merlin the lightweight with a low tolerance to substance was high as a kite, Jesse was being his typical peace-keeping self. The thing was, if they didn’t laugh, they’d be crying.
Brandon threw his free hand up. “That’s it. I’m done. I can’t keep talking about anything serious when he’s like this. He’s off his fucking face and it’s hilarious. I don’t want to be fucking miserable all the time anyway. He’s not legit having a heart attack is he?” he fretted, touching Merlin’s cheek and trying to analyse how he was holding up. It was hard to tell. He just looked spaced-out but clearly wrangling with the high versus the inner emotional struggles they were trying their best to work through. It was coming out in this hilarious mix of facing reality with a side order of a dong cover marriage certificate. His nose had finally stopped bleeding and he discarded the tissues into the bowl in his lap. “Don’t stress, we’re not eloping. We want to have a small wedding with close family and friends. We’re going to try to hash out the details in Cape Cod and get a wedding planner. Or I’ll pay my staff to sort it.”
Jesse offered Brandon some of the wet wipes for his face. “Well, I think it’s beautiful. You guys ain’t acting on anyone else’s timeline or rulebook. You have to figure this out however you need. Getting married is still the best thing I ever did. Merlin, I’d hug you, buddy, but I’m worried you might fart on me,” he joked, patting Merlin’s knee with a smirk. Then he looked over at Damien. “You okay?”
“I dunno! I feel like I’m stuck on one of those carnival rides that spin you around and it’s fun as fuck but makes you wanna puke at the same time.” Damien pulled his hair back off his face, shaking his head in bewilderment. He had a shit night sleep the night before too, so that probably wasn’t helping things. Liam had one of his flashback nightmares nearly screamed the apartment down. Beau and Zander were both at work on nightshifts. It was only Damien who almost literally shit himself in terror when the screaming woke him. It had been a long time since he had been woken like that.
“Bro, snap!” Merlin declared, holding his hand up to Damien for a high-five. Then he flopped back in his seat again, wrapping both arms around Brandon, pulling him into cuddle where Brandon was lying back in his arms, head on his chest. He smiled down at him, making a kissy face at him and whispered, “I think I’m getting a boner, baby. Hey, does anyone have any jellybeans? I’m starving. Hey… heyyyyy! You guys are nurses and doctors! Hey, darlin’... maybe… maybe they can come instead of that hired chick, y’know? It’s only a few days.”
“To Cape Cod?” Damien asked, not sure where Merlin’s head was at anymore. Spaced-out in some alternate high, horny, and hungry dimension. He wasn’t entirely convinced his brother could be thinking of somewhere else, like the moon.
Brandon was discovering Merlin’s usually secure cuddles at the best of times were more like a protective vice when he was high. He had to carefully navigate his way back into at least a half sitting position so blood wouldn’t keep trickling down the back of his throat. It made him sick if he swallowed too much. He managed to find a better position and still keep Merlin’s arms around him. “No, sweetheart. Shit, they can’t just up and come away for a few days with no notice. It’s okay, guys. Seriously. I’ve hired a nurse in case I need any medical help and Montana’s coming with us and Wes might come with Merlin’s friend, Noah, if they want to. My existence is already an imposition on so many people right now, I can’t put anyone out.”
“Noah Cameron? Seriously? He and Wes hooked up? That’s pretty awesome. Noah’s hot. He was in a really bad way before I went to the UK, though. How’s he going?” Damien asked, realising he still had a lot of catching up to do to get back into the loop and the swing of NYC life. Things would settle once he started rehearsing with Justin the following week. “But Liam’s on a rotation break for a few days now. It’s not entirely out of the question, right love? You ain’t imposing, buddy. Look, y’all are getting married. You’re family. None of that imposition BS. I know I say this for everyone when I say we’re here to help. That’s what family’s all about. Oh, shit. I’m getting a brother-in-law. That’s so freaking cool. Sure you still wanna marry him after seeing him high?” he added, amused.
Merlin flipped Damien off. “I’m right he-re. I’m freaking baked, not deaf.”
“Noah Fitzpatrick. Euan and Julie adopted him after he came out of the coma. He had some neurologically and cognitive damage, so he face a lot of rehab and physio. It just made everything official and gave him a place to fully belong. He’s got health issues but he’s going great, all things considered. Noah’s not long out of hospital again. How did they meet?” Liam nodded at what Damien was saying. “If you need help, I’m happy to come along. About the only thing I had planned for the rest of the day was a nap. Damien’s right, Brandon. We’re here to help. It’d be your call if you wanted us along. I know you’re getting away to escape for a little bit after your announcement happens and probably want time alone with Merlin. It’s okay if you don’t want the rest of us hanging around like a bad smell.”
“They met at Alex’s HIV clinic and realised they could fuck each other without any danger,” Merlin was revealing before he remembered he probably shouldn’t have said that.
Damien was in the middle of taking another sip of his tea and he fumbled the, only just managing to avoid dropping it in his lap at what Merlin just said. “What?” he gasped, brushing at the splash of tea he spilled on his leg. “Wes is Positive? Fuck. When did this happen? Is he okay?”
Merlin extracted his arms from around Brandon and rubbed his hands over his face with a growl. “Fuck it. My head ain’t working. I’m sick of talking. I’m going to find chips.” He got up and left the room, even if he was holding himself up on the furniture and the walls.
“That should keep him busy for awhile. We don’t have chips.” Jesse put his mug aside and took the bowl with bloody tissues and towell of Brandon now his nose wasn’t bleeding and he had cleaned the blood away from his face and hands. “I’m actually on a study break for a couple of weeks, so I’d be happy to help too if you needed it, buddy. The only thing is, Jace can’t fly so soon after his epilepsy relapse. He doesn’t fly well at the best of times. We’d have to drive. I don’t think Merlin’s coping very well with things,” he added, now he had witnessed Merlin since he arrived.
Brandon looked over his shoulder at the door to the hall. Jesse was right, Merlin probably wouldn’t give up until he found his chips… or jellybeans. If there was one thing Brandon knew about, at least pre-cancer, it was the munchies. “He’s not. But I don’t want anyone thinking he’s a basketcase, either. It’s just impossible to be hit with everything coming at him and just cope with it. He’s actually doing really fucking well with what he’s got. He’s been supporting Wes through what he’s going through, he’s been at the hospital with me, and trying to keep his head above water when I know… I know it feels like we’re drowning. I’m getting no good news. But in amongst all that, he’s still this beautiful, incredible, funny person who makes me smile, laugh, and feel loved. I know you’re his big brothers and you’ll be worried as all shit about him, especially knowing he’s forgetting his meds, but I didn’t ask him to marry me. He asked me. It’s just been one of many things we’ve been trying to navigate and work out in our relationship.” He closed his eyes, trying to work out how much he should say and how much he should leave in Merlin’s hands to work through with his family. “He wanted to be in a position to be able to carry out any last wishes I had for me if I don’t make it to achieve them myself. And I haven’t told him this yet because I know it’ll upset him just like it did when I told him I’ve already arranged my funeral, but I want him to be the main beneficiary of my estate after what I’ve allocated to charity. It’s not a small estate. I’ve engaged Mark Campbell as my attorney and changed my will.”
Damien stood up and started pacing, hoping it might help him fight off the fact he was in tears again. He managed a hint of a shaky laugh through it and held up his hand, not wanting to offend Brandon with his reaction. “Sorry, I’m just… in my head, Merlin’s still this tiny lil’ rugrat with glasses running around getting into mischief. Like, he’s nineteen, dude. He ain’t even old enough to legally drink. Don’t get me wrong, he’s more mature than me. Always has been. He’s just still my lil’ bro and my heart is fucking aching for him. This is so fucking much but, fuck… I know how in love with you he is. I know he didn’t ask you for any of these… these practicalities or whatever. I just feel like, fuck, his life has suddenly hit fast-forward or something.”
“Damo, this is Merlin’s life. With Brandon. They’re trying to face a reality that none of us can possibly fathom and probably doing their best to work through all the things they need, even feeling like time is starting to run out,” Jesse murmured, watching Damien pace but respecting that they all had to deal with this is their own way. “You mentioned before that Brandon’s going to be your brother-in-law. He really is. Which means he’s absolutely family so it’s okay if you don’t feel like you’re coping with all this either. Cancer’s a destructive, awful force to deal with. But we know Merlin, so we know that this is what he needs to do. I have a feeling it’s a way for him to feel like he can do something. And that’s okay. I think it’s something really special in amongst a whole lot of shit. It’s still a shock, though. You’re allowed to be shocked. Merlin’s not going to deny you that and neither will Brandon. He’s still going to be your little brother, even if he’s married.”
Brandon sat there quietly while Damien and Jesse work through this. “That’s why we both want a proper wedding, so we can have the celebration with our loved ones and make memories he can keep if I go. It’s not really about the practicalities, those will just be a side order. All it is is doing what we like to hope would happen some indefinite time down the track if I wasn’t sick or at least had a good chance of recovering. Because he means the world to me and even if it’s only been a short time, I know he’s the love of my life. And whether I may need medical help or whatever aside because it’s just a safety net anyway, maybe Cape Cod would be a chance for us all to keep talking some of this through or even just Merlin to spend some time with you guys and have a heart-to-heart so you can understand where he’s at in his head. It’s not about us needing alone time, it’s just about getting away for a bit. The beach house has plenty of room, you don’t have to worry about that. I think Wes would probably really appreciate the support right now too.”
Liam took Damien’s hand and coaxed him to sit back down. “We can go if you want, baby. I really don’t mind being on hand if you need any medical assistance, Brandon. I think it’ll help everyone to get away and just breathe for a bit. And I don’t know Wes but from a medical standpoint, if he’s just been diagnosed with HIV, it’s going to significantly impact on him physically and mentally. He’s not long moved from his home and he’s wrangling with his sexuality. This, on top of all that, he’s probably struggling. I’ve been through a HIV scare and it’s fucking terrifying, even just the risk of it.”
“Me too,” Damien mumbled and pressed his fingers to his forehead because this wasn’t something Liam knew. It happened after they broke up and it was the start of Damien spiral into a darkness he never expected. He cleared his throat with a nod. “Okay, let’s go. I think it’s a good idea if you promise me this wasn’t supposed to be some private romantic getaway for you and Merlin. Because I don’t wanna crash that.”
Brandon saw the way Liam was suddenly looking at Damien and he could figure out what might be going down here. He didn’t want to stick his nose in. “We’ll have time resting together but it’s not anything like that. It’s just to get me away from the City when the announcement hits. I don’t want to be hounded or really even think about it. It’s peaceful. I’ve spent a lot of time alone there. I think it’d be a good place to talk. I might get going now, though. I need to Skype with my team before the announcement and make a stop at a gas station to buy Merlin a week’s supply of chips before he tries to chew his own arm off. I’ll have Montana text you through the airport details. He’s going to be okay on the weed, yeah? You guys can bring his meds along when you come?”
Jesse didn’t know Damien had a HIV scare either but he did know there was a large stretch of time in Damien’s life following his second breakup with Liam where he had suffered depression and relied on alcohol. It sounded like Damien and Liam had a lot to talk about too and Brandon was right, Merlin and his two big brothers were probably well overdue for a deep heart-to-heart talk about everything. “I’ll bring his meds. I think once the high passes he’s probably going to have a weed hangover. It took me awhile to get used to it once I started. Give him some Advil and make sure he’s hydrated. Just get him to tell you if he starts having anything weird happen but he’s only had a few hits, I think it’ll probably eventually just make him drowsy.”
Brandon nodded as he stood, letting Jesse help him for a few moments while he got his bearings and made sure he wasn’t going to get dizzy. He grabbed Merlin’s messenger bag and paused at the door, looking back. “I’m sorry. I never intended to hurt him and shake his life up like this. He was just impossible not to fall in love with.” He offered a small smile and gave them a wave before leaving to find Merlin.
LOG, COMPLETE
What: Interrupted Announcements
Where: Hartley/Turner/Casey Home, NYC
When: After this
Jesse worked night shift the night before but didn’t mind waiting up when Merlin sent him a text and asked him if he and Brandon could drop by before they flew up to Cape Cod for a few days after Brandon’s announcement about his cancer went public in a couple of hours time. It had been delayed a day when Lachlan wanted to keep him in an extra night after he needed more blood than anticipated with the transfusion. It was only once Jesse got home from work that he discovered Merlin asked Damien over too because Damien was already there with Liam, which started to make him nervous. He carried in a tray with tea and mugs, setting it down on the coffee table. “You’re sure he didn’t say what any of this was about? I’m freaking out they’ve got bad news.”
Damien and Liam were sitting on the sofa holding hands. They had planned to come over later anyway to pick up the last of Damien’s things now he was officially moving in with Liam. It was a decision they made together when they were in Seaside Heights after Liam suggested it. He had been right too, they needed to be able to have quality time together and considering life was chaotic and stressful, they had to take steps to be able to achieve that or their relationship reboot wouldn’t work. Not that Damien had any objections because there was nothing nicer than sharing a bed with the person you loved. He shook his head. “Nope, but we figured if it was bad news, they probably wouldn’t be going to Cape Cod and Merlin wouldn’t be reassuring us he was okay in the text.”
“I spoke to Lachlan before I finished work last night. He said Brandon was holding up okay and was in good spirits. There was just inevitable stress with his announcement and the news his cancer was responding to chemo. Lachie said with regular blood transfusions, he would start to feel a little better in general. Obviously, medically, we know he’s not going to jump up and run marathons but probably feel a little more himself. His Hb levels completely tanked with the GI bleeds,” Liam reported, knowing that Merlin probably didn’t get into the medical side of Brandon’s condition when he spoke to his brothers. The things that were out of his control and he couldn’t change. That’s what doctors were there for.
“What’s a Hb level and a GI bleed?” Damien asked, this not at all the first time Liam and Jesse did their doctor speak that he couldn’t translate. Any other situation, he’d be amused but considering this was Brandon they were talking about, he wanted to know.
Liam rubbed Damien’s leg. “Hb means hemoglobin, which is a protein in red blood cells that carry oxygen from the lungs to the rest of the body. When they’re low, you’re become anemic but with illnesses like leukemia where there is cancer cells in the blood, it can cause more bleeding or excessive bleeding. It can be life-threatening so you need to replace the blood cells so the body keeps getting the oxygen it needs. You’ve seen him have nosebleeds and how much he bleeds if he’s poked with needles. GI is gastrointestinal, that he’s been throwing up blood. It’s not uncommon with heavy chemo. The tummy gets very taxed and raw.”
Damien just bit his lip and scratched his forehead, nodding. That was the problem. Liam and Jesse knew medical stuff and at least had a hold on what was going on but Damien mostly just worried the love of his baby brother’s life might die soon and he felt so fucking helpless. Liam must have noticed he was a little shaken because he was giving him a querying look, making sure he was okay. Damien didn’t have a chance to say anything before Merlin burst into the room. Bursting into rooms really wasn’t expected.
“Hey! What the fuck are y’all doing here so early? I told you the time. Shit,” Merlin bitched, pacing back and forth between the bookcase and the door. Then he held up a hand which was soon scratched through his hair. “Sorry. I get it. I’m a snappy asshole and apparently the worst boyfriend in the world.”
Brandon was leaning against the doorframe, forearm resting against it so he could use it as a makeshift pillow. He offered a long-suffering scrunch of his nose when Damien and Jesse looked at him in unison. He and Merlin had a fight in the car on the way over from the hospital. Merlin seemed to be agitated and in a bad mood, Brandon was, as always, tired and nauseous, so he didn’t have a lot of patience. He made the error of demanding to know if it was because he had cold feet about getting married and Merlin hit the roof. Then Brandon’s patience was shattered and he snapped back that he couldn’t help it that he might die soon and promptly threw up all over himself.
Turns out hurling all over yourself was an excellent way to intercept an argument. Merlin had to pull over to help him and felt awful for being a bitch. Somewhere in amongst taking Brandon back to their place to clean him up and get him a change of clothes, Merlin admitted he forgot to make a doctors appointment to get a new script for his ADHD meds. He thought he had more left than he did but because he was tied up with Brandon needing more blood with the transfusion and had to have a small procedure to stop the bleeding in his gut, he ran out and had now skipped two doses. All this came pouring out of Merlin at such a rapid-fire pace, Brandon could barely keep up and begged him to slow down, ending up in tears. He didn’t mean it, it was just one of those moments where it all got too much and he knew it made Merlin feel even worse.
At the end of the day, it wasn’t anyone’s fault, but also at the end of the day, Merlin was still unmedicated and it was the first time Brandon had seen what his ADHD was like. Merlin couldn’t get an appointment with his doctor until the following morning so Brandon called up his doctor who did house calls and was happy to drop by before they left for Cape Cod after lunch. But in the meantime, Merlin didn’t want to go anywhere until he saw his brothers. “Or just unmedicated,” Brandon corrected tiredly, rubbing his hand over his mouth when he wasn’t sure what way the wooziness would go. “I need to sit down.” Getting to Cape Cod couldn’t come soon enough.
Jesse was on hand to help Brandon sit down on the other sofa and Liam jumped up to help too, his doctor reflexes kicking in. “Unmedicated? Aw, Merlin. Liam can write you a script.”
“Hey, he’s my fiancé, I can take care of him! I’m unmedicated, not crippled.” Merlin nudged Jesse out of the way so he could crouch down in front of Brandon now he was sitting. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry for being a cunt.”
But Brandon just put his hand over Merlin’s on his knee with a little pat, biting his lip and glancing over Merlin’s shoulder to where Jesse, Damien and Liam were all gaping at them. “I guess unmedicated means no filter too…?”
Damien was sitting forward on the edge of the sofa, not even sure he heard right until both Jesse and Liam clearly heard the same thing. Their mouths were dropping open too, so he was pretty sure they heard what he did. “Uh… okay, I’ve lived with Merl most of his life and sure, not taking his meds makes him as snappy and unfiltered as he possibly can be but never has it made him randomly call someone his fiancé before. Just saying. So, um…” He held his finger up, but he really had nothing after that.”
Brandon really couldn’t be relied upon to have the best timing these days and swallowed back a heave. “Oh, god, I’m sorry--” He pushed himself up from the sofa so he could bolt for the bathroom. “You stay,” he quickly added to Merlin before he followed to help.
Merlin flopped into the chair Brandon vacated with a heavy sigh, rubbing his face. “Fuck, I need a drink.” He pressed the heels of his hands to his eyes, mostly so he didn’t cry but that was really only there because he was feeling so agitated and like he was about to jump out of his skin.
“Jess, have you got any weed to spare?” Liam asked, knowing that as much as they probably wanted details of what was happening, Merlin would probably just end up escalating more and upsetting himself, upsetting Brandon. They both really needed a break. “We just need to calm him down a little. Do you think Jace will still be at the hospital with Evan? I can call through a script, they can bring the medication home for him.”
“Wait, what?” Merlin cut in, shooting Jesse a look. “You have weed?! Since when do you have weed?!” he shrieked.
Damien went to sit beside Merlin and put his arm around him. “Since it doesn’t matter so long as we get some into you, buddy. You’re escalating. You don’t need that and Brandon doesn’t need it. You know you gotta trust Li, he’s a doctor,” he joked, giving Merlin a smile as he soothingly rubbed his baby brother’s back.
Jesse sighed but nodded, smoothing Merlin’s hair down where he had it sticking up all over the place with his agitation. “I’ll be right back.”
Merlin rubbed his hands up and down his thighs, trying to shake the feeling like everything was collapsing in on him. He felt like such an asshole for arcing up against Brandon and causing their argument. “I need to go check on Brandon. That is, if he still wants me anywhere near him.”
“He does,” Brandon murmured, coming back into the room. He went straight over to Merlin, sitting beside him and resting his head on Merlin’s shoulder, tucking his arm around Merlin’s belly. “You’re driving me fucking nuts but it’s not your fault. You just get really friggin loud when you’re agitated and my… everything hurts. And I feel sick,” he added with a little moan.
“You should’ve been around him when he hit puberty and the hormones mixed up with ADHD chemicals and they had to bump up his meds. We had family meetings about investing in full body armour,” Damien joked because he knew that even if Merlin was agitated, he usually still managed to laugh it off once he called himself out on how he was feeling. Usually, he was well managed with meds. Of course, that didn’t count when he completely missed doses.
Merlin snorted but really was grateful Damien was throwing a bit of humour into this to lighten the mood. “I did not have that many hormones! Here, darlin’, lie down.” He shifted back into the sofa and coaxed Brandon to lie down and use his lap as a pillow.
Liam had his phone putting a call into the pharmacy at the hospital. “I love how the only part he denies is the hormones,” he said with a laugh and when the call connected, he asked to speak to the pharmacist. “What medication and dosage, buddy?”
Brandon reached up and softly patted Merlin’s cheek. “It’s okay, I still love you, sweetheart. I might want to kick your ass right now but it’s okay, I literally couldn’t put my own pants on this morning. I think you’re safe.”
Jesse came back with his vape pen as Merlin was telling Liam his medication dosage. He pulled an ottoman up to sit on and fired up the pen, then put it to Merlin’s lips, holding it for him. “It’s medicinal grade and I know you’re not used to this sort of stuff so very slow inhalation and not too deep. Hold it as long as you can so it gets to your bloodstream. It’s going to go to your head quickly and you’ll feel woozy. It’s going to irritate your throat.” This wasn’t something he wanted Merlin to know about. Not because he had anything against it, he didn’t. At all. In fact, he was a huge advocate for it for medical conditions. He didn’t want Merlin to know because he knew it would worry him that he needed it but it might not be something they needed to get into today. Obviously there were much bigger fish to fry here today and Merlin might not have the focus to interrogate him once he was buzzed and relaxed.
“First time? Entirely?” Brandon asked in surprise. He didn’t know why he assumed Merlin had tried weed before. Probably because most people his age had and Wes smoked. Wes had been honest about that and he and Brandon shared a few joints on the trip home. He watched Jesse holding the pen to Merlin’s lips and Merlin took the first hit. “Well, this is either going to be hilarious or terrifying. I don’t know enough about ADHD, are you sure it’s okay for him? I don’t want it giving him a migraine or anything.”
Damien was epic curious how his baby brother was going to be high but he could understand Brandon’s apprehension. “Don’t worry, buddy. Jesse is as straight-laced as they come. He wouldn’t be rolling with this is there was anything to worry about. Li wouldn’t have suggested it either. Oh, right… B, this is Liam, my partner. Li, this is Brandon, my baby brother’s fiancé.” Someone had to address the giant elephant in the room.
Merlin broke into a coughing fit but it was more to do with what Damien said than the weed, even if that was stinging his throat and making his eyes water. “What, so I fucked u-- ohhhh fuck…” He put his hand to his forehead and dropped his head back. It felt like those times when you had a cold and when you stood up to quick, you got a headspin. Only about a hundred times more intense. He squeezed his eyes shut. “Okay, I can’t decide if I like this or not.”
Brandon looked up at Merlin and took his other hand to hold. Then he glanced at Jesse, eyebrow raising. “Dude, where do you get your supply from? I want what he’s having. That’s fast-acting. It’s okay, baby, it’ll ease off.”
Jesse shrugged and offered the vape pen to Brandon if he wanted a hit. He knew Brandon had cannabis to help with nausea anyway.
Merlin went to get up, forgetting Brandon’s head was in his lap. Luckily, Jesse was close enough to grab him and stop him. “Whoa, whoa, where are you going?”
“I dunno,” Merlin said with a snort of laughter. “Just gonna go to the… the thingo.”
Brandon took a hit from the pen, holding the inhalation as long as he could before exhaling. The difference was that he had been smoking weed for years. This was Merlin’s first time. “It’s not going to make him worse, is it? He’s not going to start tripping or anything?”
Merlin forgot about his thingo. He moved on to stroking Brandon’s hair. “I love your hair. You have such nice hair, baby. He has nice hair. See?” He grabbed Liam’s hand and made him start stroking Brandon’s hair too.
Damien was laughing, he couldn’t help himself. “Oh, god. Please tell me I can film this!”
“Dude, he’ll kill you when he hits his come-down,” Jesse warned Damien, though he was smirking himself, carefully coaxing Merlin’s hand away from Brandon’s head. Chemo might not have caused his hair to fully fall out but Brandon said it was thinning and his scalp hurt. Merlin petting him like a cute puppy probably wouldn’t help. “Here, buddy.” He handed the pen back to Merlin. Two or three hits should make enough impact to pull Merlin back from the hyperactive pain in the butt he was unmedicated. Brandon probably didn’t have a lot of patience for it.
“Cannabis vape’s not enough to trip him, mate. It won’t make him worse. It’s a depressive substance, it’ll be a temporary fix until you get his meds,” Liam reassured Brandon, who was looking up at Merlin in concern.
Merlin dropped his head back again, coughing so hard, he farted, which made him burst out laughing. “Oh my god, I don’t even remember what I’m supposed to be saying anymore!” he said with a snort of laughter.
Brandon pulled himself up in a sitting position, unable to avoid joining the laughter now. “Fucking hell, I’m trying to survive here and you’re going to kill me with a fart, babe. Are you sure that’s just MJ in that pen? Jesus Christ.”
“We should get matching tattoos! Ohmygod, how cool would that be?! Where’s Jace? We can get something cool like… like… giant jellybeans on our butts,” Merlin decided, putting the pen back to his lips. Then he was back to giggling. “We totally need to get some of this shit for sex therapy, darlin’. I swear to god, this will give you a massive boner.”
Damien couldn’t stop laughing. This was getting better and better by the minute. Apparently Merlin had absolutely no filter when he was high. Soon, tears of laughter were pouring down his cheeks and he was trying to catch his breath. “What the fuck is sex therapy? There’s no brain-to-mouth filter here and he could literally spill the beans on why y’all came here but instead we’re getting giant jellybeans and massive boners.”
Liam wasn’t at all foreign to lack of filters. He often had patients who were off their face when they came around from anesthetic. At least Merlin laughing, farting, and talking about boners was a lot easier to wrangle than hyperactive agitated Merlin who Brandon didn’t have the energy to keep up with. Seeing Damien laugh like this again was a bonus here. He and Damien used to laugh all the time and he missed it. He actually missed the whole dynamic of a life with Damien and he would be lying to himself if he didn’t admit that the fact Merlin and Brandon were possibly engaged was really making his own mind churn into overdrive thinking things he didn’t expect to ignite so soon after their reunion.
Jesse was laughing too but being the more practical brother, he was discreetly plucking the pen from Merlin’s hand before he could get it to his lips again. He was also extremely glad Jace wasn’t home, for obvious reason. “Anything you wanna tell us, guys?”
“Fuck!” Brandon swore, cupping his face when blood started pouring from his nose. If only cancer had better timing. This bullshit was the story of his life right now. “There is, yeah. Shit. Sorry. I wanted this to be so much nicer…” Memories. He and Merlin had unconsciously moved into a phase where it was about memory-making in case he didn’t make it and his time was running out. He just wished he could pause all this cancer shit to achieve what they truly wanted those memories to be.
Seeing the blood somewhat tugged Merlin back to reality. He immediately reacted cupping his hands around Brandon’s to try to stop the blood splashing Brandon’s clothes. “Fuck, we need to get a bowl or something. He’s been swallowing the blood and making himself sick with the worst ones.” He squeezed his eyes shut because his head was spinning. “Why are we here again…?” he asked, his mind starting to feel foggy and spaced out.
Damien shot up as soon as he saw the blood pissing down Brandon’s face. This was the first time he had seen one of the nosebleeds and it was pretty confronting. It wasn’t just a trickle. It was more like a gush that would have splashed over his mouth and throat if he hadn’t put his hands up to stop it. Jesse was already bolting out of the room to get what they needed and Liam grabbed a box of tissues that was sitting on the coffee table, tearing a healthy handful of them to help Brandon press to his nose. “Butt tats, buddy,” he told Merlin, rubbing his little brother’s back in an effort to comfort him.
“Ohhhh yeah.” Merlin giggle-snorted at that, breaking into another fit of giggles he couldn’t stop coming. Jesse was back with a bowl, a roll of paper towels, a pack of antibacterial wipes, and a couple of towels. Merlin watched him tuck a towel down Brandon’s front and set the bowl in his lap. “Why am I laughing? This ain’t even how it was supposed to go. Ah, fuck it. We’re getting married in case Brandon dies. Like, in a couple of weeks. And I don’t even fucking care if anyone disapproves because I know y’all would do exactly the same thing if you had to wake up each day wondering if it might be the last with the person you loved so much it ached inside like your insides were being torn out or lying awake at night listening for their breathing when they spent that tiny lil’ bit longer in the same spot than you thought they should. So, I don’t give a fuck. Lecture me. I don’t care.” He threw his hands up, forgetting they were covered in bloody smears and pushed himself out of the chair. “I’m hungry. Do y’all have any chips?” He got up, was hit with a head spin, tripped over his own foot and stumbled right into Liam who was standing by Damien.
Liam caught Merlin before he fell and smashed his face in on the coffee table. His eyes shot quickly between Damien and Jesse. “I think we should have tea.” He was British after all. If all else failed… tea. He righted Merlin, moving him back to sit beside Brandon before he went to the tray to pour them all a mug of tea.
Damien was gaping, both hands up to his mouth. He thought the fiance thing was maybe that Merlin and Brandon joking. Or if they weren’t, it was just something they wanted to do someday later down the track. Reality hit him like a tonne of bricks with Merlin’s words, reminding him that Brandon might not have a later down the track. Without a bone marrow match, Brandon might not see Christmas or his next birthday, which was also ironically on Christmas Day. He was literally speechless because he couldn’t find anything worthy to say here. He knew anything he’d try, he would either fuck up or it wouldn’t be enough. He felt an inner panic, wondering if Merlin was planning on doing this without telling their parents. Now wasn’t the time to bring it up.
Jesse was perched on Brandon’s other side, carefully pulling away the wad of blood-soaked tissues from Brandon’s hands and replaced them with another lot, dropping soaking mess into the bowl. He was holding an ice pack to the bridge of Brandon’s nose with his other hand. He was shaken by the news, though not because he disapproved. It was because he knew how painful this decision probably had been for Merlin and Brandon. It ripped his fucking heart and he was fighting off the urge to cry. It shouldn’t be a sad thing. He cleared his throat. “As someone who has comes extremely close recently to losing a partner, Merlin, buddy, I understand. No one here is going to disapprove any decision you and Brandon need to make together right now. So, just sit down with him. Breathe. Let’s talk about this without you feeling so defensive. I’m sure this is not how either of you wanted this to play out.” He picked up the plate of freshly-baked cookies courtesy of Nana Turner, handing it to Merlin.
“Not really but shit - and ADHD - happens,” Brandon mumbled from behind the tissues. As soon as Merlin was sitting by him again, he used his shoulder as a pillow. The worst part about things shifting as Brandon veered closer to his potential expiry date without a match and having to face the reality he might not make it was hearing how much this was hurting Merlin. He had no idea Merlin did that, thinking he would die in his sleep or something. Brandon was even still stunned Merlin agreed to marry him, and within weeks. That had been such a bolt out of the blue but it showcased just how selfless Merlin was and how big of a heart he had. Brandon just hoped like hell it was the right thing. Though, considering Merlin had no filter with the marijuana in his system and his response was a giant COME AT ME, BITCHES, it didn’t seem like he had cold feet or reservations. He wrapped his arm around Merlin’s belly. “I’m so sorry,” he murmured to him, even if the words were muffled and distorted because of the damn tissues.
Merlin shoved two of the cookies into his mouth whole and he was looking at his brothers and Liam, assessing whether they were going to try to throw objections at him. It stopped him talking at first and then for a little longer when two more cookies were shoved in once he swallowed the first two. He washed them all down with some of the tea Liam gave him. “I fucking need memories, okay? I just fucking need memories before it’s too late to make any.” He was so ulta-conscious that Brandon had way more bad days than he did good, even if they were becoming experts in making the most of the good.
Tears sprung to Damien’s eyes and spilled over before he could stop them and he was inwardly kicking himself for not keeping it together. He sniffled, brushing the roughing from his cheeks. “Shit,” he mumbled, trying to swallow around the emotion restricting his throat. His heart was aching like a kick in the nuts seeing his baby brother go through this knowing there wasn’t a damn thing he could do to help or take it away. “Are you guys at least going to have a wedding? Not just paper-sign at City Hall? Fuck, is that why you’re going to Cape Cod? If it is, I’m fucking coming. I don’t care. You’re not getting married without me.”
“Have you been given bad news, Brandon?” Jesse asked, albeit hesitantly because he didn’t want to flare up raw and painful emotions. From what he knew of Brandon so far, in the little time he had known him and in contrast to the public face he put forward, he wondered if Brandon would even tell anyone if he had eventually been given a terminal prognosis. He was extremely private and Jesse had seen how difficult it was for him to be so vulnerable with his illness, losing dignity and agency over himself.
Brandon took the tissues away to see if the bleeding was easing. It was slowing, at least. “If they don’t find a match in the next twelve or so weeks…” He couldn’t actually say it out loud. Every time he tried, he made himself throw up. “It’s progressing that fast that beyond that, the transplant won’t work anyway. Which is probably when it’s time to concede defeat and pull the plug on treatment to just let it do its thing. I don’t want to spend my last days puking my guts up from chemo or too wiped out to make the most of the time left.”
Merlin couldn’t seem to avert the waves of giggling and he dropped his head back against the sofa, squeezing his fingers to his eyes. He could barely focus on the conversation. Whatever anyone was saying, it was all blurring into white noise. He was hearing it but he couldn’t focus on a specific train of thought. His mind was lethargically flip-flopping around everything. It was the weirdest feeling. “Imagine having a marriage certificate with ‘cod’ on it. Like cod-piece. I ain’t thinking about dicks everytime I look at my marriage certificate. Like, the only evidence my husband was ever my husband is a giant dong cover.” He put his hand to his chest, shaking his head with another laugh. “My heart’s racing. I think I’m having a fucking heart attack.” For some reason, this just made him burst into another bout of laughter.
Liam had to bite on his lip to stop himself laughing and took Merlin’s hand to check his pulse, timing it with his watch. Damien was in tears freaking out about Merlin and Brandon’s news, Brandon was bleeding all over the place and trying to keep it real, Merlin the lightweight with a low tolerance to substance was high as a kite, Jesse was being his typical peace-keeping self. The thing was, if they didn’t laugh, they’d be crying.
Brandon threw his free hand up. “That’s it. I’m done. I can’t keep talking about anything serious when he’s like this. He’s off his fucking face and it’s hilarious. I don’t want to be fucking miserable all the time anyway. He’s not legit having a heart attack is he?” he fretted, touching Merlin’s cheek and trying to analyse how he was holding up. It was hard to tell. He just looked spaced-out but clearly wrangling with the high versus the inner emotional struggles they were trying their best to work through. It was coming out in this hilarious mix of facing reality with a side order of a dong cover marriage certificate. His nose had finally stopped bleeding and he discarded the tissues into the bowl in his lap. “Don’t stress, we’re not eloping. We want to have a small wedding with close family and friends. We’re going to try to hash out the details in Cape Cod and get a wedding planner. Or I’ll pay my staff to sort it.”
Jesse offered Brandon some of the wet wipes for his face. “Well, I think it’s beautiful. You guys ain’t acting on anyone else’s timeline or rulebook. You have to figure this out however you need. Getting married is still the best thing I ever did. Merlin, I’d hug you, buddy, but I’m worried you might fart on me,” he joked, patting Merlin’s knee with a smirk. Then he looked over at Damien. “You okay?”
“I dunno! I feel like I’m stuck on one of those carnival rides that spin you around and it’s fun as fuck but makes you wanna puke at the same time.” Damien pulled his hair back off his face, shaking his head in bewilderment. He had a shit night sleep the night before too, so that probably wasn’t helping things. Liam had one of his flashback nightmares nearly screamed the apartment down. Beau and Zander were both at work on nightshifts. It was only Damien who almost literally shit himself in terror when the screaming woke him. It had been a long time since he had been woken like that.
“Bro, snap!” Merlin declared, holding his hand up to Damien for a high-five. Then he flopped back in his seat again, wrapping both arms around Brandon, pulling him into cuddle where Brandon was lying back in his arms, head on his chest. He smiled down at him, making a kissy face at him and whispered, “I think I’m getting a boner, baby. Hey, does anyone have any jellybeans? I’m starving. Hey… heyyyyy! You guys are nurses and doctors! Hey, darlin’... maybe… maybe they can come instead of that hired chick, y’know? It’s only a few days.”
“To Cape Cod?” Damien asked, not sure where Merlin’s head was at anymore. Spaced-out in some alternate high, horny, and hungry dimension. He wasn’t entirely convinced his brother could be thinking of somewhere else, like the moon.
Brandon was discovering Merlin’s usually secure cuddles at the best of times were more like a protective vice when he was high. He had to carefully navigate his way back into at least a half sitting position so blood wouldn’t keep trickling down the back of his throat. It made him sick if he swallowed too much. He managed to find a better position and still keep Merlin’s arms around him. “No, sweetheart. Shit, they can’t just up and come away for a few days with no notice. It’s okay, guys. Seriously. I’ve hired a nurse in case I need any medical help and Montana’s coming with us and Wes might come with Merlin’s friend, Noah, if they want to. My existence is already an imposition on so many people right now, I can’t put anyone out.”
“Noah Cameron? Seriously? He and Wes hooked up? That’s pretty awesome. Noah’s hot. He was in a really bad way before I went to the UK, though. How’s he going?” Damien asked, realising he still had a lot of catching up to do to get back into the loop and the swing of NYC life. Things would settle once he started rehearsing with Justin the following week. “But Liam’s on a rotation break for a few days now. It’s not entirely out of the question, right love? You ain’t imposing, buddy. Look, y’all are getting married. You’re family. None of that imposition BS. I know I say this for everyone when I say we’re here to help. That’s what family’s all about. Oh, shit. I’m getting a brother-in-law. That’s so freaking cool. Sure you still wanna marry him after seeing him high?” he added, amused.
Merlin flipped Damien off. “I’m right he-re. I’m freaking baked, not deaf.”
“Noah Fitzpatrick. Euan and Julie adopted him after he came out of the coma. He had some neurologically and cognitive damage, so he face a lot of rehab and physio. It just made everything official and gave him a place to fully belong. He’s got health issues but he’s going great, all things considered. Noah’s not long out of hospital again. How did they meet?” Liam nodded at what Damien was saying. “If you need help, I’m happy to come along. About the only thing I had planned for the rest of the day was a nap. Damien’s right, Brandon. We’re here to help. It’d be your call if you wanted us along. I know you’re getting away to escape for a little bit after your announcement happens and probably want time alone with Merlin. It’s okay if you don’t want the rest of us hanging around like a bad smell.”
“They met at Alex’s HIV clinic and realised they could fuck each other without any danger,” Merlin was revealing before he remembered he probably shouldn’t have said that.
Damien was in the middle of taking another sip of his tea and he fumbled the, only just managing to avoid dropping it in his lap at what Merlin just said. “What?” he gasped, brushing at the splash of tea he spilled on his leg. “Wes is Positive? Fuck. When did this happen? Is he okay?”
Merlin extracted his arms from around Brandon and rubbed his hands over his face with a growl. “Fuck it. My head ain’t working. I’m sick of talking. I’m going to find chips.” He got up and left the room, even if he was holding himself up on the furniture and the walls.
“That should keep him busy for awhile. We don’t have chips.” Jesse put his mug aside and took the bowl with bloody tissues and towell of Brandon now his nose wasn’t bleeding and he had cleaned the blood away from his face and hands. “I’m actually on a study break for a couple of weeks, so I’d be happy to help too if you needed it, buddy. The only thing is, Jace can’t fly so soon after his epilepsy relapse. He doesn’t fly well at the best of times. We’d have to drive. I don’t think Merlin’s coping very well with things,” he added, now he had witnessed Merlin since he arrived.
Brandon looked over his shoulder at the door to the hall. Jesse was right, Merlin probably wouldn’t give up until he found his chips… or jellybeans. If there was one thing Brandon knew about, at least pre-cancer, it was the munchies. “He’s not. But I don’t want anyone thinking he’s a basketcase, either. It’s just impossible to be hit with everything coming at him and just cope with it. He’s actually doing really fucking well with what he’s got. He’s been supporting Wes through what he’s going through, he’s been at the hospital with me, and trying to keep his head above water when I know… I know it feels like we’re drowning. I’m getting no good news. But in amongst all that, he’s still this beautiful, incredible, funny person who makes me smile, laugh, and feel loved. I know you’re his big brothers and you’ll be worried as all shit about him, especially knowing he’s forgetting his meds, but I didn’t ask him to marry me. He asked me. It’s just been one of many things we’ve been trying to navigate and work out in our relationship.” He closed his eyes, trying to work out how much he should say and how much he should leave in Merlin’s hands to work through with his family. “He wanted to be in a position to be able to carry out any last wishes I had for me if I don’t make it to achieve them myself. And I haven’t told him this yet because I know it’ll upset him just like it did when I told him I’ve already arranged my funeral, but I want him to be the main beneficiary of my estate after what I’ve allocated to charity. It’s not a small estate. I’ve engaged Mark Campbell as my attorney and changed my will.”
Damien stood up and started pacing, hoping it might help him fight off the fact he was in tears again. He managed a hint of a shaky laugh through it and held up his hand, not wanting to offend Brandon with his reaction. “Sorry, I’m just… in my head, Merlin’s still this tiny lil’ rugrat with glasses running around getting into mischief. Like, he’s nineteen, dude. He ain’t even old enough to legally drink. Don’t get me wrong, he’s more mature than me. Always has been. He’s just still my lil’ bro and my heart is fucking aching for him. This is so fucking much but, fuck… I know how in love with you he is. I know he didn’t ask you for any of these… these practicalities or whatever. I just feel like, fuck, his life has suddenly hit fast-forward or something.”
“Damo, this is Merlin’s life. With Brandon. They’re trying to face a reality that none of us can possibly fathom and probably doing their best to work through all the things they need, even feeling like time is starting to run out,” Jesse murmured, watching Damien pace but respecting that they all had to deal with this is their own way. “You mentioned before that Brandon’s going to be your brother-in-law. He really is. Which means he’s absolutely family so it’s okay if you don’t feel like you’re coping with all this either. Cancer’s a destructive, awful force to deal with. But we know Merlin, so we know that this is what he needs to do. I have a feeling it’s a way for him to feel like he can do something. And that’s okay. I think it’s something really special in amongst a whole lot of shit. It’s still a shock, though. You’re allowed to be shocked. Merlin’s not going to deny you that and neither will Brandon. He’s still going to be your little brother, even if he’s married.”
Brandon sat there quietly while Damien and Jesse work through this. “That’s why we both want a proper wedding, so we can have the celebration with our loved ones and make memories he can keep if I go. It’s not really about the practicalities, those will just be a side order. All it is is doing what we like to hope would happen some indefinite time down the track if I wasn’t sick or at least had a good chance of recovering. Because he means the world to me and even if it’s only been a short time, I know he’s the love of my life. And whether I may need medical help or whatever aside because it’s just a safety net anyway, maybe Cape Cod would be a chance for us all to keep talking some of this through or even just Merlin to spend some time with you guys and have a heart-to-heart so you can understand where he’s at in his head. It’s not about us needing alone time, it’s just about getting away for a bit. The beach house has plenty of room, you don’t have to worry about that. I think Wes would probably really appreciate the support right now too.”
Liam took Damien’s hand and coaxed him to sit back down. “We can go if you want, baby. I really don’t mind being on hand if you need any medical assistance, Brandon. I think it’ll help everyone to get away and just breathe for a bit. And I don’t know Wes but from a medical standpoint, if he’s just been diagnosed with HIV, it’s going to significantly impact on him physically and mentally. He’s not long moved from his home and he’s wrangling with his sexuality. This, on top of all that, he’s probably struggling. I’ve been through a HIV scare and it’s fucking terrifying, even just the risk of it.”
“Me too,” Damien mumbled and pressed his fingers to his forehead because this wasn’t something Liam knew. It happened after they broke up and it was the start of Damien spiral into a darkness he never expected. He cleared his throat with a nod. “Okay, let’s go. I think it’s a good idea if you promise me this wasn’t supposed to be some private romantic getaway for you and Merlin. Because I don’t wanna crash that.”
Brandon saw the way Liam was suddenly looking at Damien and he could figure out what might be going down here. He didn’t want to stick his nose in. “We’ll have time resting together but it’s not anything like that. It’s just to get me away from the City when the announcement hits. I don’t want to be hounded or really even think about it. It’s peaceful. I’ve spent a lot of time alone there. I think it’d be a good place to talk. I might get going now, though. I need to Skype with my team before the announcement and make a stop at a gas station to buy Merlin a week’s supply of chips before he tries to chew his own arm off. I’ll have Montana text you through the airport details. He’s going to be okay on the weed, yeah? You guys can bring his meds along when you come?”
Jesse didn’t know Damien had a HIV scare either but he did know there was a large stretch of time in Damien’s life following his second breakup with Liam where he had suffered depression and relied on alcohol. It sounded like Damien and Liam had a lot to talk about too and Brandon was right, Merlin and his two big brothers were probably well overdue for a deep heart-to-heart talk about everything. “I’ll bring his meds. I think once the high passes he’s probably going to have a weed hangover. It took me awhile to get used to it once I started. Give him some Advil and make sure he’s hydrated. Just get him to tell you if he starts having anything weird happen but he’s only had a few hits, I think it’ll probably eventually just make him drowsy.”
Brandon nodded as he stood, letting Jesse help him for a few moments while he got his bearings and made sure he wasn’t going to get dizzy. He grabbed Merlin’s messenger bag and paused at the door, looking back. “I’m sorry. I never intended to hurt him and shake his life up like this. He was just impossible not to fall in love with.” He offered a small smile and gave them a wave before leaving to find Merlin.
LOG, COMPLETE