Damien Thomas Larson (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
musicsavesmysoul) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
dreamlikenewyork2019-04-04 02:34 am
musicsavesmysoul) wrote in dreamlikenewyork2019-04-04 02:34 am
"Reunion of the heart."
Who: Damien Larson and Liam Morgan
What: Moments
Where: Seaside Heights, NJ
When: After this
After the remainder of their Skyride, where conversation was mostly light and consisting of Liam catching Damien up on things he missed in their friends’ lives being away, they found an awesome little live music bar to get something to eat. They contemplated a restaurant but they found this place first and Liam said he was fine with nachos or fries, so they went in and found a booth, order a couple of light beers and nachos to share while they listened to the music and watched people dance. Places like these, Damien felt most at home in. That’s what he loved about the indi music circuit in the UK. He met some incredible people out of the experience, it wasn’t all doom, gloom, and depression.
Then the guy who took the mic next started to sing a cover of Radiohead’s Creep. Liam took a deep breath and sat back in the booth, hooking his hands behind his neck with a soft, “Wow…”
Damien looked at him, stunned. “You… remember that night?” Or maybe he just liked this guy’s voice, it was hard to tell. Something made Liam shift positions and be pulled out of what had been an otherwise immersive experience where they hadn’t really been talking much but were enjoying the moment together. It couldn’t be a coincidence that Damien’s memory of this song was one of the most intense he had about his relationship with Liam.
Liam finished the last of his beer that he had been sitting on since they got there. He hardly drank anymore and if he did, it always ended up as a bender which made his depression worse. One light beer wouldn’t do much and it gave him something to do with his hands, avoiding Damien’s piercing gaze and clearing his throat. He still had a glass of water as back-up. “Yeah, I remember you singing it to me at Luke’s bar after we broke up the second time.”
“And you walked out in the middle of it. It was the last time I saw you before I had to leave for the UK.” Damien didn’t mean for that to come out sounding accusatory. It really wasn’t. But the look on Liam’s face when he got up and walked out of the bar that night was burned in Damien’s memory. He never knew what it was about the song that caused it to be the ultimate end of any hope between them.
“Um,” Liam began, knowing Damien needing some sort of explanation here. It probably wouldn’t have even come up otherwise but sometimes the world had a way of planting you in situations you needed to be, no matter how much you didn’t think you were ready to face it. “Yeah, I just… finally had enough, I guess. I ran out of fight I didn’t really have. Something just kind of came over me in that moment and I didn’t want to do it anymore.”
“I deserved it,” Damien agreed, wetting his lips. It didn’t even really hurt to hear it. It was more resolution than anything else. This was it, they were being aligned for the closure he had been expecting since that moment he bumped into Liam in the hospital.
Liam sighed, shaking his head with his eyes closing briefly. “No, look… it’s not about anyone deserving anything, Damien. Relationships just aren’t about a set of goals you have to keep hitting, otherwise it’s game over. It’s not a fucking computer game. It’s life. It’s love. And love is really fucking hard. Sometimes, people are just too tired for the hard because they’ve had the hard for way too long and they can’t do it anymore.” He held up his hand before Damien could reply. “Don’t apologise. This isn’t about apologies either.”
They were always inevitably going to stumble into a rough patch and now they had, Damien was floundering. It had been pretty light up to them, skirting around things. Or Liam directly addressed them and moved on from them because they weren’t worth getting stuck on now they were all over. This felt different. “If I knew what I know now, I’d never have let it get fucked a second time.”
“Yeah, I believe that,” Liam admitted, meeting Damien’s gaze with a small smile. “I guess that’s why life’s so fucking hard. We really don’t have the benefit of hindsight first time around. That’s the whole learning lessons thing they say is so important but hurts so fucking much. Then sometimes, there’s just really horrible shit that happens to people who don’t deserve it and that can make figuring the lessons out a difficult task. There’s not a person on the face of this planet who hasn’t made mistakes.”
Damien had gotten a second beer but he wouldn’t have more than that. It had mostly been out of nerves and giving him something to do if there were pauses in the conversation so it didn’t get awkward. He picked at the corner of the damp label on the bottle with his thumbnail. “Do you think we were a mistake?”
Liam sipped his water and put his glass back down with a laugh. “You would be asking the hard questions, huh?” He tracked the tip of his finger around the rim of the glass while he thought on his answer, not wanting to rush in with a reflexive response. It wasn’t one he could pluck from the forefront of his mind. It was buried under layers of memories, pain and confusions. “No, I don’t think we were a mistake. I think we made mistakes but I don’t think we - us - in essence, was a mistake at all. If I thought that, it would mean I didn’t value the good times and I do. I just… got tired.”
Damien’s eyes searched Liam’s face. He was just as gorgeous as that first day he was eye-fucking Damien via a mirror in a hairdressing salon when he cut Damien’s hair. The first day they met and Damien had been bowled over by how gorgeous he was. But he chickened out asking for him out for a drink because he thought he was way out of his league and not gay. It was Lachlan who told him to grab his balls and go back because he had to learn to navigate the gay dating world somehow. He later learned that Lachlan knew Liam anyway, so he knew he was gay, but he made Damien take the leap of faith himself. It had been the start of something both amazing and terrifying all at the same time, one he tried to kiss Liam and got punched in the face for it and Liam had to admit he was the survivor of an horrifically violent sexual assault where he was nearly murdered and left for dead. Fuck, did it feel like forever ago.
After a few more moments, he slipped out of the booth and headed up to the stage where the musicians were gathered, pulling one of the singers aside and having a quiet word to them. He had to speak to two more of the singers before he achieved what he was hoping and he turned back to look in the direction of their booth with a smile where Liam was giving him his signature WTF Look. As he wove his way back through the tables and the small dancefloor, the girl he spoke to sat down at the piano. “Okay, guys, this is a special request from someone in our audience tonight who has a long overdue message for someone,” she told the audience and then started to sing The Scientist by Coldplay.
Damien came up to the booth and held his hand out to Liam with a smile. “Dance with me?”
Liam had heard this song a billion times and then some but suddenly felt like he had to focus on the lyrics to remember what they were, what the message was. He looked at Damien’s hand and realised he wasn’t conflicted here. He wasn’t so much hesitating as just taken by surprise at the turn in the moment. Damien was one of those people who sometimes found it easier to talk with his music, much like Justin. He just didn’t have the ability to play any song from memory like Justin had, so there would need to be a bit more tricky execution. This was so out-of-the-blue, Liam was amazed and speechless, hence his staring at Damien’s hand while he listened to the lyrics. He drew in a quick nervous breath and put his hand into Damien’s, letting him pull him out of the booth to lead him over to the edge of the dancefloor.
Damien was nervous about holding Liam close for two reasons. One, Liam’s issue with touch but he reciprocated the offer to dance, so he figure it was okay. Two, he had been forcefully trying not to let himself think too much about Liam in a physical sense because he kept remembering them having sex again and didn’t want to end up with a boner. He was just going to have to risk it. He kept hold of Liam’s hand and gently put his hand on Liam’s waist, pulling him close, but not too close that he couldn’t see his face to make sure he was okay. He expected Liam to want to pull away and was surprised when he didn’t. Liam smelled so familiar wearing his favourite cologne and his hand felt warm in Damien’s and it made him remember all those mornings they would lie together in bed after Liam came home from a nightshift and Damien didn’t have to work until later in the evening. They would hold hands and once Liam fell asleep, Damien would lie there and listen to his breaths and the adorable little almost-snores if he had a particularly busy night. Was this leading to anything or was it all in his head?
Liam’s heart was pounding but he knew it was stemming from the anxiety he had no real control over. Anxiety meant you were switched on to hypervigilance, expecting to be hurt and trying to pre-empt it to stop it. Sometimes, that was okay. It was okay to be wary and uncertain. At first, he had his eyes closed because he was focusing on the song and the message wasn’t lost on him. Since he had seen Damien at the hospital, his brain had been trying to work out all the intermingled emotions doing their flip-flopping thing that was inevitable anytime his condition relapsed. His brain lied to him, his emotions had a mind of their own, his nervous system’s default setting was overdrive. He had to consciously counter all that and it was hard because no matter how he thought about this, all those old feelings he had for Damien were surging to the forefront and it was confusing as fuck. It didn’t help that they fucked when he was high on weed and lack of sleep, then again for reasons he couldn’t even explain. Finally, still in the embrace with the song still lingering on, he opened his eyes and turned his face to Damien’s and something tipped it over the edge when their lips met in a kiss that didn’t halt at anything light or chaste.
As soon as the kiss was instigated, Damien’s realised he had no idea who actually made the first move and Jesse’s sage advice that if he got any accidental boner on this trip around Liam, to apologise and laugh it off. He just didn’t think it was possible to avoid his dick responding to Liam’s lips on his. He hated that it felt so right because it was making all this impossible to avoid. He didn’t want to avoid it. He wanted to pluck up the courage to ask Liam if there was the possibility of a third chance for them, he wanted to tell him he loved him, hold him, kiss him, wake up naked with him, start again, get it fucking right this time. All this was going through his head somewhere behind the absolute excitement this was happening at all. All of this was so random, it was almost that concept Damien was never sure he believed in… serendipity. A word that used to make him laugh. But this is what it was. Was there a chance it was true that if someone was meant to be in your life, they would make their way back to you when the time was right? Was there even a thing as a third chance. Fuck, Liam tasted so right and his lips felt like home. Damien was scared of when it would end and he would slam back to reality with so much force, it was physically painful.
Liam suddenly broke the kiss and took a step back out of the embrace. He put his fingers to his lips and shook his head. “Sorry. I just… I need some air.” He turned, already edging his way through the other people on the dancefloor so he could get out of the bar. It felt hot and claustrophobic and he felt sharply aware of the scent of booze lingering in the air and the singer’s voice at a pitch just high enough to make him feel starkly aware of everything around him. Sensory overload sucked. He got outside and sucked in a deep breath of air, already feeling better once he was free of the confines of the bar. He went over to the railing of the boardwalk, leaning against it with a glance over his shoulder, knowing without a doubt Damien would have followed him. “It’s okay. I’m sorry. I just need to slow down a little. I was starting to feel claustrophobic and just... “ He held up his hand, trying to pull himself together. “Come for a walk on the beach with me.”
“Liam!” Damien couldn’t easily tell what was going on here. Liam was already escaping along the boardwalk to find an exit down onto the sand. He followed him down to the shore, trying to figure out if he fucked up with the kiss but he had seen Liam freak out before and he wasn’t quite there. Maybe a little panicked but he just said it was okay and he was sorry. “Liam, hey! Stop, please. I didn’t mean for that to happen.”
Liam stopped and turned back to look at Damien with at least a small helping of exasperation. “Yeah, you did! We both did. Look, I still don’t do well with crowded bars, okay? Let’s just leave it at that and not make a big deal out of it. Just tell me what you want from me! Stop hedging and just tell me. Cards on the table, Damien! This - you and me - historical Kryptonite,” he had to reminded him, gesturing back and forth between them with a wave of his hand, then swept his hair back out of his face when the seabreeze messed it up. “I’m waiting for the axe to fall! Just… tell me there’s no axe.”
“You! Fuck it, Liam, I want you! No, I didn’t realise I still loved you and that I never really stopped. And if you want me to be entirely honest, I think a lot of how I felt when I was in the UK was because I missed you so fucking me. I thought it was just homesickness, feeling like I fucked up my family, let me my baby brother down. It was that but it wasn’t only that. I never got over you! There. I said it. Fuck. I wish I never hurt you or threw away everything we had. I want all that back so much, it hurts and makes me feel sick. I wanna hold you and kiss you and make love to you. I wanna be there for you when you’re upset and your head’s fucking you up. I wanna take care of you and stay up all night talking to you just for the fuck of it. I want a chance to get it right now I know my own head’s been a bit fucked. But mostly, I don’t wanna hurt you anymore. I don’t wanna be the cause of your pain. If all this is doing that even just a lil’ bit, then I wanna walk and leave you be, no matter how much it’d rip my heart out to do that!” Damien only realised he had tears spilling over when the sea air hit his cheeks and chilled them. With Liam’s prompting, everything came pouring out and he let the guards drop. But he didn’t know anymore what was right or wrong, all he knew was if Liam wanted cards on the table, this was Damien’s final hand, whatever way it fell.
Liam stepped up to Damien, breaching the gap between them and caught his face between his hands and pulled him into a desperate kiss. It was rough and bruising, the force of it fueled with emotions. It was hungry and they both lost their balance just slightly on the uneven sand… the kiss kept them upright. His stomach felt like it was up near his throat and his heart was thundering in his chest now. The only thing that paused the kiss briefly was the need to catch their breath. “If you hurt me a third time, I’ll never speak to you again,” he murmured breathlessly against Damien’s lips in the kiss. “Tell me what you want…”
Damien definitely had a boner now but there was no accident. He nodded, making sure the kiss didn’t stop. “I won’t. I wanna get it right, no matter what it takes. I’ll just need your help, I think. So I don’t fuck it up.” He slipped his hand beneath the back of Liam’s jacket, fingertips exploring the curve of his lower back, feeling the toned muscles through the thin sheer fabric of his shirt. “I wanna make love to you like we did back when everything was perfect. I’m sorry I took you to a crowded bar. Wait. Tell me what you want.” He pulled back to take Liam’s hands because as amazing as the kissing was, it could wait.
“That. That is all I ever wanted. You to tell me you need my help, rather than just trying to go our relationship alone. Because all that did was make you go it alone, and make me go it alone. And you know what, I can live without a relationship or sex. I get plenty of fulfilment in my job and I can go a long way there putting all my energy and focus into my career. In a lot of ways, it’s fucking easier. But if I want a relationship, it’s got to be worth fighting for. Not fighting against. I fought against it twice with you and I can’t do that again. I can’t. This scares me! It makes me want to run and hide! It makes me want to crawl into bed and not get out but I have to constantly make conscious choices to push beyond the shit in my head and all I want is to know if you’re going to be in that with me. The good and the bad, not just the good trying to kiss better the bad and think that’ll take it away.” Liam stepped away again, moving to stand so close to the water, it was lapping the tips of his shoes. Watching the endless expanse of water and horizon, it was grounding. “I stopped believing I could just not be okay with you anymore because everytime I wasn’t, you wanted to save me from it. Save me from things I’ll always have to live with. And that was exhausting and painful. I never felt more alone than I did sharing a bed with a guy who was emotionally fucking deluded all the time. But you know now on some level what it’s like to live with mental illness and I don’t know, I guess that gives me hope. But it still scares me.”
“Let’s go for a walk.” Damien came up beside Liam and offered him his hand with a soft smile. “I had a lotta lessons to learn, love. Not just about us and relationships in general but about myself. I look back and I know how deluded I was. It was like I was trying to live a fucking fairy tale or some shit. I grew up in such a sheltered and narrow-minded world and it’s fucking ironic that I came to New York to get away from that. For this freedom to be myself. Fuck, I never expected to make such a fucking balls of things. More than once. I just need you to know it was never your illness or your trauma that caused it. It was me not understanding how to help you and I guess not understanding what was going on in my own head a lot of the time. It was like, if I could just fix every little thing that was going wrong, it would be easy. But I was holding it all up to this stupid fucking ideal of a content relationship with a picket fence and meat and three veg meals every night. Hell, maybe even a dog and a family RV in the mix, just to make it even more cringey. But that’s what I grew up with and I literally knew nothing else for so long. That’s what caused me to fuck it the first time. The second time, I started to lose my grip on reality because Merlin found out he was adopted and it felt like my family was gonna fall apart. I’m scared too. I’m scared I’m not the right person to take care of you but I’m not scared to tell you I need your help. I’m not scared to try to do this together finally. And Jesse told me to apologise if I get a boner, so I apologise for getting a boner when we kissed,” he added sheepishly, feeling like he just needed to get that out there.
It had been intense and stressful for a bit there because - like it or not - they had to hash this shit out. They had to understand where each other was trying to figure this out. But at that, Liam laughed and gave Damien’s hand a squeeze. “Yep. That sounds like Jess. So, I take it you’ve talked to him about all this?” They had walked a little way along the beach as Damien sort through what was going through his head, just like Liam had the chance to. Being a weeknight, the crowds weren’t too bad and there weren’t many people this far away from the main boardwalk thoroughfare. So, Liam sat on the sand, tugging Damien’s hand to sit with him. It wasn’t late yet and he didn’t feel tired. They couldn’t intercept this yet, not while they had the momentum. “Just for the record, meat and three veg each night? Bloody fuck, no thanks. Some nights, I barely even remember how to peel a carrot, I’m so tired, so that’s a no on the ground rules. I don’t eat a lot of mean anymore anyway.”
Damien didn’t have to be invited twice to sit. He appreciated the quieter stretch of beach. Besides, most of the people were up near the boardwalk where all the activity was, not closer to the water. It gave them the privacy they needed. He was laughing too, enjoying the warmth of Liam close at his side. They were still holding hands. He shot Liam a smile, raising an eyebrows. “Oh, yeah? Literally or figuratively?” he joked and ran the fingers of his other hand through the sand. “It’s funny, I spent so long in the UK, it felt like the accent became so familiar, the American accent sounded weird when I’d talk to my folks. But now, your accent still drives me nuts, you know. Now I know for a fact you have a posh Londoner accent and fucking hell, does England have a lot of different accents. I like the idea of ground rules, though. I don’t like that name, though. Maybe just… a checklist of priorities? I talked to Jess and a little to Merl, but he’s been so poorly and stressed about Brandon. Jess has always been my Yoda, though. I thought he’d hate me or at least wanna give me the cold shoulder. He’s been through a lot with Jace but still gave me the time, just like old times. It was nice. He kinda just helped me see reason on things I was already dealing with. Mostly, I didn’t know if I should tell you how I felt and create problems for you, or just stifle it down and avoid it. Which never seems to be the good option.”
“Both,” Liam confirmed with a smirk and turned his gaze back to the soothing view of the water. He cleared his throat and shrugged, knowing it was time to be real on that issue. “You were the first sexual contact I’ve had in awhile. Ages. Months. I don’t want you thinking Pax has done some sort of awful thing running around and fucking about on me behind my back because of it. That’s not what happened. He was drunk and high. He barely remembers it. The truth of the situation is, even with Pax, who I’ve known my whole life and was my first, I still struggled with sex. It’s not that I don’t want it. I can go right into it and then my head gets in the way. I’m glad you told me and I appreciate the boner honesty but that doesn’t bother me. I’m still a gay guy, I can still appreciate the aesthetic of a hard dick.” His gaze shifted back to Damien’s and then it mapped down Damien’s body to his lap. Damien was wearing his signature black low-riding jeans and Liam let go of Damien’s hand so he could slowly unzip the fly, eyes locking Damien’s again when he slipped his hand inside them.
Damien’s breath hitched and he dropped his head back. “O-Oh, shit,” he gasped. He had just been getting to a place where his dick was started to behave itself and now this. This very unexpected plot twist that he had absolutely no objections to. He didn’t even care if they were pretty much in public here. He knew Liam was going to climb into his lap and ride him. Unless they came up close, no one would know what was happening here. Damien knew. Every inch of Damien knew. He lifted his head and pulled Liam into a kiss. They still had talking to do but he would struggle to form cohesive sentences while Liam’s hand was down his pants. “Holy fuck, Li… I’m gonna come if you keep going like that.”
Liam wasn’t really jerking Damien off. At least, not yet. He was more trying to reacclimatise himself with Damien’s body, how it felt… the familiarity was all still there. The kisses weren’t even urgent like they had been before. “Do you want to?” he murmured into the kiss, not letting it break.
“Fuck, yes,” Damien breathed, biting down on his lip. This was so much more intimate than just a random jerk-off. A few tugs and squeezes with that and Damien would’ve been done. He could feel that Liam was being purposeful here; tender and gentle. It was igniting a yearning in Damien that had come with the sensation of pain and loss before. He never in a million years thought he would ever have another moment like this with Liam and he was struggling to even think straight.
Liam paused and he moved his hand to stroke Damien’s stomach. “How about together? Back in our room. I just, um… might need to take it slow. Are you up for the challenge? Just… fuck…” He chewed the corner of his lips, gathering his thoughts. “If I can’t, I won’t leave you hanging or anything like that. What I’m trying to say is that I want this but it might take some trial and error. And hopefully you not feeling rejected or useless if I can’t do things normally. Shit, I’m sorry. I know it’s a lot to ask.” He sat forward, raking his fingers through his hair. He wanted this but he could feel the anxiety creeping up inside him again. It felt so stupid sometimes because he did this with Damien barely days ago and survived. If only PTSD worked by switching the emotions on and off.
Damien zipped his jeans back up and sat forward too, watching Liam’s face when he tried to explain. “Hey…” he murmured, rubbing Liam’s back. “Do I want to do this? Yes. Is it a challenge? No. No, it ain’t. If we’re gonna do this, it ain’t no damn challenge. It’ll be our way. We’ll have to figure it out and I don’t see any of your condition as an imposition. Ain’t I always been understanding with this stuff? I thought it was the one part I did get right. You’re gonna be scared, babe. It’s a phobia but I’m here if you wanna try. And I’ll still be here if you can’t manage it. Is this… us getting back together? Or is it kinda a final goodbye? Just so I know where I stand.”
That took Liam by surprise and exhaled heavily with a little laugh, shooting Damien a puzzled look. “A final goodbye? Sex wouldn’t be involved in a final goodbye for me. Sex is… the complete opposite of that for me. It wouldn’t even just be sex, you know? We don’t have to spell it out. I’d like to give it a try. Maybe if we, like, make a promise to speak up if it’s not working for us? Be honest about it and take it as it comes? Maybe just promise to be there for each other if we’re having bad days. Am I talking utter shit here?”
“No,” Damien insisted, taking Liam’s hand and bringing it to his lips to kiss. “All that, what you just said, that’s what I want. That’s what I’ve always wanted. Even if we try and all we end up doing is snuggling in our PJs and watching Netflix, I’m cool with it. We can find other ways and honestly, babe, I ain’t bothered if I just have to duck to the bathroom and jerk off if you can’t get through it. It doesn’t have to be a major thing for you to keep tackling. We just take each time as it comes. And I’m gonna take a leave outta Merlin’s book here. He said he and Brandon are only really being intimate when they’re both feeling it and on the same page. They gotta do a whole lotta taking it as it comes and I think we can do that too, right? When we were good together, babe, I thought we were incredible. I never wanna make you fearful or uncomfortable with this. If you just tell me how you’re feeling, I’ll roll with it. No questions asked. I promise you that.”
Liam smiled and nodded, feeling the anxiety dissipate. “Yeah, it’s a strategy I guess a lot of people have to rely on if there’s issues. Jess and Jace are the same. Sasha and Justin. I mean, if they can still make it work with C-PTSD and asexuality in the mix, we can, right? I can handle it if we keep going like this. If I can’t, I’ll tell you. Or maybe you’ll figure out the cues again, I don’t know. I get that sometimes, I can’t always figure out what I’m feeling. I, uh… didn’t come prepared for this, by the way. No condoms, no lube.”
“Me either,” Damien admitted with a laugh and stood, offering Liam a hand up. “We can swing by the drug store on the way back to the guesthouse. It doesn’t really matter what we do, does it? It’s just about reconnecting, I think. It might take time.”
Liam got up and brushed the sand off his pants. About all his clothes were designer, when he wasn’t stuck in scrubs and a lab coat, that was. After he was raped, once he was in recovery, he used clothing to layer and hide. It was something that stuck, yet another thing he could maintain control over, a bi-product of his PTSD. Once he was satisfied he got rid of all the sand, he tucked his arm around Damien’s waist and they started to head up the beach to where they were staying. “Are you okay to hit the drug store? I seriously need the bathroom. You can take my credit card if you want.”
Damien shook his head, easily reciprocating with his arm around Liam too. It felt so nice. He really didn’t want this night to end. “It’s cool. I’ve got cash. I actually made excellent money on my UK tour and Justin’s mob have given me an advance to cover rehearsal hours and shit. You okay? Upset stomach?”
“Just… anxiety, you know? I’m fine. When do you start your rehearsals?” Liam asked. He paused walking for a middle, gripping hold of a handful of Damien’s shirt when his chest felt a little constricted. “I... think I’m about to have an anxiety attack.”
Damien quickly turned to Liam, taking both his hands to analyse him. He’d gone a little pale and sweaty, his breathing kind of shallow. “Okay. It’s okay, love. What do you need? You need to get to bathroom? It’s just right along here.”
Liam’s vision was starting to morph into a bright white light in his peripheral vision and he was feeling a little faint. He could feel himself shaking and breathing heavily but he couldn’t stop it or pull it back. He had been hoping like fuck this wouldn’t happen and he was mildly pissed off at himself. Or he would be when this passed. “I-I’ll try.”
“I’ve got you.” Damien wrapped his arm around Liam’s shoulders, watching him in concern. It wasn’t the first time he had seen Liam having a panic attack but it had been a really long time since he had. They really could just hit quickly. Considering the topics they had been discussing, he actually thought Liam dealt with it really well. He brushed Liam’s hair out of his face and wiped away some of the beads of perspiration with his thumb. He felt bad it took this turn, though.
They got just a few feet away from the steps to the boardwalk when Liam threw up on the sand without warning. As soon as he was done, he fainted and thanks to Damien’s quick reflexes, didn’t fall into the mess. Damien just sunk down to the sand holding Liam against him. He was freaking out a bit but Liam would need him to stay calm. Liam lost consciousness for about a minute or two and clawed himself back to wakefulness. Damien stroked his cheek, watching him closely. “Does that feel a bit better, love?” he asked softly and kissed Liam’s hair where Liam’s head had dropped to his shoulder. “It was second-rate nachos we had for dinner anyway.”
Liam knew it was a spanner in the works but it was what it was. Damien was amazing getting him back to the guesthouse and while Liam was busy in the bathroom, Damien ran along to the drug store to get what they needed, if they got to that point. He wouldn’t go until Liam gave him the green light that he would be fine until he got back. When Damien returned, Liam had finished in the bathroom and was lying on the queen-sized bed with his legs hanging over the end, a cold cloth over his face. Damien sat beside him, softly rubbing his chest. “You okay, love? Is this where it might help to have some weed? Or maybe you just wanna crash and sleep it off? Just say the word.”
“I’m okay. It’s passing.” Liam took the face cloth away and gave Damien a wry smile. “I know what that seemed like and I’m sorry. It wasn’t any one thing. I feel better now anyway. That really was so epically not romantic, holy fuck. I think I do need to have a hit, though.” He rubbed his hand over his face, feeling a little wiped out. He took Damien’s hand and used it to lever himself to sit up.
“Good thing no one was looking for perfect romance, huh?” Damien offered Liam a bottle of water he grabbed from the mini bar. “I know how they go. Your body just has to get it all out before you can come out of it. I’m not freaked out, just worried if you’re okay. You wanna go out onto the balcony so you can smoke? It’s nice out there. Not too cold. I know this goes without saying but I’m gonna say it anyway… if this is too much, just say. I’ll understand.”
Liam took the water gratefully and had a mouthful of it. No, he wasn’t a fan of how the anxiety attacks made him feel but he also knew it was a psychological protective mechanism he would never escape. He was on all the meds he could be on, had all the therapy he could, used all the cognitive strategies he had been taught… none of it took away the fact he had been violently raped and it left him with PTSD. Something that Damien had always respected. There had never been a single moment Damien pushed or pressured him. That was always something he truly loved in him, no matter how much their situation of their relationship got difficult. “This is not just fear. It’s nerves and worrying if I’m doing the right thing. Maybe a bit of excited anticipation that we might get this right for once. Because you know me, I overthink everything. Then my brain forgets how to be a brain and just chucks a diva spat and storms out of the functioning room. So, yes, let’s go outside because it does help.” He patted Damien’s leg and stood, then stumbled into the bed because he was still woozy.
Damien caught his arm, shooting off the bed to take Liam around the waist. “Okay, sure, I do know your brain and it’s a prized overthinker. But I also know you push yourself too far and too quick than you’re ready, so I’m going to help you out onto the balcony and you’re going to tell me where your weed stash is so I can bring it out to you. Unless you have a pile of super private shit in your bag and don’t want me in there, so in that case, I can bring your bag out to you.”
“There's a little zip bag in the front pocket of my sports bag with the weed.” Liam shot Damien an amused smile and he let him help him out onto the balcony. “Nope, about the most private thing in my bag is my undies and it’s not like you haven’t seen those. And my meds. My carefully constructed regime of meds that still allows me to cut seriously ill people open to save their lives. But… no secrets. All my cards are literally out of my bag and on the table. Are yours?” he had to ask quietly.
“Well, besides the horrible secret of the time I got food poisoning eating dodgy fish and chips in London and barfed all over the stage and nearly shit myself in the middle of the set of a sell-out show that I swore I would never tell anyone about ever again? Promise all my cards are on the table too. That doesn’t mean you can’t ask me questions. I’ll tell you anything you wanna know.” Damien helped Liam sit on one of the sunlounges and found the zip bag to bring back to him. He took the other lounge and relaxed back into it. “This place is so nice. It’s nice to get outta the city chaos.”
Liam couldn’t hold back a bit of a laugh at Damien’s story. “Damn, love. That’s probably not a story you wanna tell your grandkids. Amusing anecdote aside, that sounds awful. I hope you had someone there to help you. Nothing worse than being ill so far away from home without anyone there to help. Sometimes, just having someone there to rub your back when you’re sick makes all the difference in the world.” He took his lighter and one of the joints out, putting it between his lips to light up. He inhaled slowly, letting the weed do its job and blew the smoke out in a slow stream away from Damien. “That wasn’t lost on me down at the beach just now, by the way.”
Damien watched Liam with his joint, unable to avoid thinking how hot it was. Liam was obviously used to smoking pot which was a little surreal to Damien because it wasn’t something Liam did when they were together before. Liam had mostly been teetotal too, finding booze fucked with his head too much. This time, he chilled with a light beer at the bar and had overall seemed to be doing okay, panic attack aside. That wasn’t a surprise to Damien, considering the subject matter they had been going over. “Okay, there was someone there after the fact, who came around after the show to check if I was okay. Which I wasn’t so much, I was sick as a dog for three days straight and haven’t been able to stand the sight of fish and chips ever since. Brit Fail in all its glory. But, um, that person was Brendan… Caden’s nephew. He’s the person I was seeing over there. And I know… I know… Trey. They’ve been on the rocks for awhile. No excuse and I ain’t proud of it but he was a huge comfort when I was dealing with everything. I don’t think he’d be all that surprised to hear I was still in love with you. He dragged me through a few of my worst benders.”
“Oh, well, we can’t be together in that case. Date someone who heave at fish and chips? Epic fail. What’s next, you telling me you hate tea?” Liam joked, giving Damien a small smirk but he picked up on the weight of what Damien was saying and nodded slowly, putting the joint back to his lips. He let the information sink in because it wasn’t superficial. “So, you’re still with him? Is that what you’re telling me? That’s a pretty big card you missed putting on the table but it’s okay, I get it. We’ve had a whole lot of other things to talk about. But you realise anything with you and me can’t happen unless you’re single. I can’t deal with anything messy. As soon as we get back, I’m going to be Skyping Pax to let him know everything.”
“Tea? Hell no. I wouldn’t have survived without tea. Tea helps everything. I drink it more than coffee now. But yeah, heaving’s a pretty accurate description of when I smell fish and chips. Chips on their own, though, I’m totally there. Way better than fries,” Damien joked back and then exhaled heavily, stretching his arms up behind his head. “Brendan and I were never exclusive or official. I mean, I’ll talk to him, of course. But I ain’t really dated anyone since you and and I broke up. All this time, I just thought it was because I ain’t met the right person to try again and me thinking I was abysmal at relationships. But I think it was just because I was still in love with you. Man, I was so deluded. I had no clue until Brandon called me out on it. Trust me, I know it’s huge that basically a stranger I only knew for a bit picked up on it.”
“I don’t think you were ever really abysmal at relationships. That’s a bit harsh on yourself. You just wanted to reach this ideal that didn’t exist and when you couldn’t achieve that, you gave up and pulled away instead. Pretty sure we’d be married by now if things hadn’t crashed and burned. But I do take some of that responsibility, okay? Fuck, I know my illness isn’t an easy thing to deal with. Some days, it’s fucking impossible for me manage myself, so it wouldn’t be fair to expect anyone else to manage it 100% of the time..” Liam offered Damien his free hand to take, smiling. He watched the smoke smouldering from the joint, dissipating into the night air and took another slow puff from it, holding it between his thumb and index finger. “You said down on the beach that you’d be happy to duck to the bathroom to jerk off if I’m ever not up to anything sexual. You don’t have to do that. Like, ever. It’s not being sexual that bothers me because there was nothing intimate or romantic about the traumatic experience. I have a divide in my head. It’s just the fear of the sexual act, the intercourse and mostly bottoming, because it reminds me of the rape. I don’t even know why I’m spelling this out to you, I know you have some concept of it. What I’m trying to say is, it’s kind of different now. I actually get a lot out of watching a partner or helping out even if I can’t… have intercourse.”
Damien held up a hand, clearing his throat and shifting on the lounge. “I’m legit getting a boner watching you smoke that joint. Are you sure you don’t want me to go deal with it? Because thinking of you watching me is making it worse. But if you’re telling me this to see if I’ve gotta preference well, if we can still be intimate and romantic without stirring it all up for you, then I wanna do that. I just ain’t sure of the specific, y’know? Can you guide me how it all is for you now? Is there anything you still like even if we can’t have intercourse or anything absolutely off limits? I know ground rules ain’t the best terminology but I think it’s important too so we don’t get all caught up in logistics. I wanna still be able to make love to you. Like, so fucking much,” he murmured, lacing his finger’s with Liam’s, enjoying how warm Liam’s hands were.
Liam threw Damien a smirk, blowing out a spirally stream of smoke. “Actually, I want to be the one to take care of it once this weed gets me chill enough. But sure, there’s things I still like. I like oral and rimming, sort of. I struggle being on the receiving end if my anxiety’s being a cunt and even when it’s not, I’ve got to take time to lead up to it. It’s basically a long foreplay type thing. I like getting each other off in the bath or shower. I like going for drives to somewhere with amazing scenery and making in the back of the car or on a blanket on the grass. I like watching a partner get themselves off. I like naked snuggles in bed when I’m tired. Or massages.” He exhaled and finished off the joint, stubbing it out in the ashtray nearby. “Off limits… I don’t like rough sex. At all. It’s basically a direct trigger to flashbacks. You already know that. Got to have lube. I can’t do the whole saliva thing, it’s painful and that also causes freak outs. Not really keen on sixty-nining. I find it claustrophobic. Bathrooms and clubs are still totally off. Really don’t like unexpected fingers up the butt. I need to be told if that’s wanted and see how I feel about it. Oh, and I don’t mind toys but only using them on myself or watching someone else with them. I don’t like them being used on me. They can get weirdly uncomfortable and make me panicky. Fuck, I’m a seriously picky bitch.”
Damien shook his head, wetting his lips. “No. Nope. You’re not picky, you’re being open and honest and I want. I need it. I wanna be able to make you feel good, not push your limits. What about nuts? Because I’ve seriously always had this fantasy I keep jerking off to of you playing with my balls until I come without you even needing to touch my dick. I think it came from that first time way back when we first started and we were watching a movie under a blanket and you did that to me. This was before we had sex. Because, baby, I ain’t ever forgotten you were my first. Nothing’s ever been able to live up to that, despite the issues you face. You’ve always been so fucking sexy and desirable to me. I’ll never mind if I’ve got to have that from afar when you ain’t well.”
Liam smiled again, slowly leaning over watching Damien’s lips before his met them in a tender, slow kiss. It eased off and he squeezed Damien’s hand. “Nuts are definitely on the menu.” He ran his tongue slowly over his lips. “Are we going to seal all this officially and make love tonight? I’m ready.”
Damien couldn’t help breaking into a grin. “Hell yeah, darlin’. Let’s go.”
LOG, COMPLETE
What: Moments
Where: Seaside Heights, NJ
When: After this
After the remainder of their Skyride, where conversation was mostly light and consisting of Liam catching Damien up on things he missed in their friends’ lives being away, they found an awesome little live music bar to get something to eat. They contemplated a restaurant but they found this place first and Liam said he was fine with nachos or fries, so they went in and found a booth, order a couple of light beers and nachos to share while they listened to the music and watched people dance. Places like these, Damien felt most at home in. That’s what he loved about the indi music circuit in the UK. He met some incredible people out of the experience, it wasn’t all doom, gloom, and depression.
Then the guy who took the mic next started to sing a cover of Radiohead’s Creep. Liam took a deep breath and sat back in the booth, hooking his hands behind his neck with a soft, “Wow…”
Damien looked at him, stunned. “You… remember that night?” Or maybe he just liked this guy’s voice, it was hard to tell. Something made Liam shift positions and be pulled out of what had been an otherwise immersive experience where they hadn’t really been talking much but were enjoying the moment together. It couldn’t be a coincidence that Damien’s memory of this song was one of the most intense he had about his relationship with Liam.
Liam finished the last of his beer that he had been sitting on since they got there. He hardly drank anymore and if he did, it always ended up as a bender which made his depression worse. One light beer wouldn’t do much and it gave him something to do with his hands, avoiding Damien’s piercing gaze and clearing his throat. He still had a glass of water as back-up. “Yeah, I remember you singing it to me at Luke’s bar after we broke up the second time.”
“And you walked out in the middle of it. It was the last time I saw you before I had to leave for the UK.” Damien didn’t mean for that to come out sounding accusatory. It really wasn’t. But the look on Liam’s face when he got up and walked out of the bar that night was burned in Damien’s memory. He never knew what it was about the song that caused it to be the ultimate end of any hope between them.
“Um,” Liam began, knowing Damien needing some sort of explanation here. It probably wouldn’t have even come up otherwise but sometimes the world had a way of planting you in situations you needed to be, no matter how much you didn’t think you were ready to face it. “Yeah, I just… finally had enough, I guess. I ran out of fight I didn’t really have. Something just kind of came over me in that moment and I didn’t want to do it anymore.”
“I deserved it,” Damien agreed, wetting his lips. It didn’t even really hurt to hear it. It was more resolution than anything else. This was it, they were being aligned for the closure he had been expecting since that moment he bumped into Liam in the hospital.
Liam sighed, shaking his head with his eyes closing briefly. “No, look… it’s not about anyone deserving anything, Damien. Relationships just aren’t about a set of goals you have to keep hitting, otherwise it’s game over. It’s not a fucking computer game. It’s life. It’s love. And love is really fucking hard. Sometimes, people are just too tired for the hard because they’ve had the hard for way too long and they can’t do it anymore.” He held up his hand before Damien could reply. “Don’t apologise. This isn’t about apologies either.”
They were always inevitably going to stumble into a rough patch and now they had, Damien was floundering. It had been pretty light up to them, skirting around things. Or Liam directly addressed them and moved on from them because they weren’t worth getting stuck on now they were all over. This felt different. “If I knew what I know now, I’d never have let it get fucked a second time.”
“Yeah, I believe that,” Liam admitted, meeting Damien’s gaze with a small smile. “I guess that’s why life’s so fucking hard. We really don’t have the benefit of hindsight first time around. That’s the whole learning lessons thing they say is so important but hurts so fucking much. Then sometimes, there’s just really horrible shit that happens to people who don’t deserve it and that can make figuring the lessons out a difficult task. There’s not a person on the face of this planet who hasn’t made mistakes.”
Damien had gotten a second beer but he wouldn’t have more than that. It had mostly been out of nerves and giving him something to do if there were pauses in the conversation so it didn’t get awkward. He picked at the corner of the damp label on the bottle with his thumbnail. “Do you think we were a mistake?”
Liam sipped his water and put his glass back down with a laugh. “You would be asking the hard questions, huh?” He tracked the tip of his finger around the rim of the glass while he thought on his answer, not wanting to rush in with a reflexive response. It wasn’t one he could pluck from the forefront of his mind. It was buried under layers of memories, pain and confusions. “No, I don’t think we were a mistake. I think we made mistakes but I don’t think we - us - in essence, was a mistake at all. If I thought that, it would mean I didn’t value the good times and I do. I just… got tired.”
Damien’s eyes searched Liam’s face. He was just as gorgeous as that first day he was eye-fucking Damien via a mirror in a hairdressing salon when he cut Damien’s hair. The first day they met and Damien had been bowled over by how gorgeous he was. But he chickened out asking for him out for a drink because he thought he was way out of his league and not gay. It was Lachlan who told him to grab his balls and go back because he had to learn to navigate the gay dating world somehow. He later learned that Lachlan knew Liam anyway, so he knew he was gay, but he made Damien take the leap of faith himself. It had been the start of something both amazing and terrifying all at the same time, one he tried to kiss Liam and got punched in the face for it and Liam had to admit he was the survivor of an horrifically violent sexual assault where he was nearly murdered and left for dead. Fuck, did it feel like forever ago.
After a few more moments, he slipped out of the booth and headed up to the stage where the musicians were gathered, pulling one of the singers aside and having a quiet word to them. He had to speak to two more of the singers before he achieved what he was hoping and he turned back to look in the direction of their booth with a smile where Liam was giving him his signature WTF Look. As he wove his way back through the tables and the small dancefloor, the girl he spoke to sat down at the piano. “Okay, guys, this is a special request from someone in our audience tonight who has a long overdue message for someone,” she told the audience and then started to sing The Scientist by Coldplay.
Damien came up to the booth and held his hand out to Liam with a smile. “Dance with me?”
Liam had heard this song a billion times and then some but suddenly felt like he had to focus on the lyrics to remember what they were, what the message was. He looked at Damien’s hand and realised he wasn’t conflicted here. He wasn’t so much hesitating as just taken by surprise at the turn in the moment. Damien was one of those people who sometimes found it easier to talk with his music, much like Justin. He just didn’t have the ability to play any song from memory like Justin had, so there would need to be a bit more tricky execution. This was so out-of-the-blue, Liam was amazed and speechless, hence his staring at Damien’s hand while he listened to the lyrics. He drew in a quick nervous breath and put his hand into Damien’s, letting him pull him out of the booth to lead him over to the edge of the dancefloor.
Damien was nervous about holding Liam close for two reasons. One, Liam’s issue with touch but he reciprocated the offer to dance, so he figure it was okay. Two, he had been forcefully trying not to let himself think too much about Liam in a physical sense because he kept remembering them having sex again and didn’t want to end up with a boner. He was just going to have to risk it. He kept hold of Liam’s hand and gently put his hand on Liam’s waist, pulling him close, but not too close that he couldn’t see his face to make sure he was okay. He expected Liam to want to pull away and was surprised when he didn’t. Liam smelled so familiar wearing his favourite cologne and his hand felt warm in Damien’s and it made him remember all those mornings they would lie together in bed after Liam came home from a nightshift and Damien didn’t have to work until later in the evening. They would hold hands and once Liam fell asleep, Damien would lie there and listen to his breaths and the adorable little almost-snores if he had a particularly busy night. Was this leading to anything or was it all in his head?
Liam’s heart was pounding but he knew it was stemming from the anxiety he had no real control over. Anxiety meant you were switched on to hypervigilance, expecting to be hurt and trying to pre-empt it to stop it. Sometimes, that was okay. It was okay to be wary and uncertain. At first, he had his eyes closed because he was focusing on the song and the message wasn’t lost on him. Since he had seen Damien at the hospital, his brain had been trying to work out all the intermingled emotions doing their flip-flopping thing that was inevitable anytime his condition relapsed. His brain lied to him, his emotions had a mind of their own, his nervous system’s default setting was overdrive. He had to consciously counter all that and it was hard because no matter how he thought about this, all those old feelings he had for Damien were surging to the forefront and it was confusing as fuck. It didn’t help that they fucked when he was high on weed and lack of sleep, then again for reasons he couldn’t even explain. Finally, still in the embrace with the song still lingering on, he opened his eyes and turned his face to Damien’s and something tipped it over the edge when their lips met in a kiss that didn’t halt at anything light or chaste.
As soon as the kiss was instigated, Damien’s realised he had no idea who actually made the first move and Jesse’s sage advice that if he got any accidental boner on this trip around Liam, to apologise and laugh it off. He just didn’t think it was possible to avoid his dick responding to Liam’s lips on his. He hated that it felt so right because it was making all this impossible to avoid. He didn’t want to avoid it. He wanted to pluck up the courage to ask Liam if there was the possibility of a third chance for them, he wanted to tell him he loved him, hold him, kiss him, wake up naked with him, start again, get it fucking right this time. All this was going through his head somewhere behind the absolute excitement this was happening at all. All of this was so random, it was almost that concept Damien was never sure he believed in… serendipity. A word that used to make him laugh. But this is what it was. Was there a chance it was true that if someone was meant to be in your life, they would make their way back to you when the time was right? Was there even a thing as a third chance. Fuck, Liam tasted so right and his lips felt like home. Damien was scared of when it would end and he would slam back to reality with so much force, it was physically painful.
Liam suddenly broke the kiss and took a step back out of the embrace. He put his fingers to his lips and shook his head. “Sorry. I just… I need some air.” He turned, already edging his way through the other people on the dancefloor so he could get out of the bar. It felt hot and claustrophobic and he felt sharply aware of the scent of booze lingering in the air and the singer’s voice at a pitch just high enough to make him feel starkly aware of everything around him. Sensory overload sucked. He got outside and sucked in a deep breath of air, already feeling better once he was free of the confines of the bar. He went over to the railing of the boardwalk, leaning against it with a glance over his shoulder, knowing without a doubt Damien would have followed him. “It’s okay. I’m sorry. I just need to slow down a little. I was starting to feel claustrophobic and just... “ He held up his hand, trying to pull himself together. “Come for a walk on the beach with me.”
“Liam!” Damien couldn’t easily tell what was going on here. Liam was already escaping along the boardwalk to find an exit down onto the sand. He followed him down to the shore, trying to figure out if he fucked up with the kiss but he had seen Liam freak out before and he wasn’t quite there. Maybe a little panicked but he just said it was okay and he was sorry. “Liam, hey! Stop, please. I didn’t mean for that to happen.”
Liam stopped and turned back to look at Damien with at least a small helping of exasperation. “Yeah, you did! We both did. Look, I still don’t do well with crowded bars, okay? Let’s just leave it at that and not make a big deal out of it. Just tell me what you want from me! Stop hedging and just tell me. Cards on the table, Damien! This - you and me - historical Kryptonite,” he had to reminded him, gesturing back and forth between them with a wave of his hand, then swept his hair back out of his face when the seabreeze messed it up. “I’m waiting for the axe to fall! Just… tell me there’s no axe.”
“You! Fuck it, Liam, I want you! No, I didn’t realise I still loved you and that I never really stopped. And if you want me to be entirely honest, I think a lot of how I felt when I was in the UK was because I missed you so fucking me. I thought it was just homesickness, feeling like I fucked up my family, let me my baby brother down. It was that but it wasn’t only that. I never got over you! There. I said it. Fuck. I wish I never hurt you or threw away everything we had. I want all that back so much, it hurts and makes me feel sick. I wanna hold you and kiss you and make love to you. I wanna be there for you when you’re upset and your head’s fucking you up. I wanna take care of you and stay up all night talking to you just for the fuck of it. I want a chance to get it right now I know my own head’s been a bit fucked. But mostly, I don’t wanna hurt you anymore. I don’t wanna be the cause of your pain. If all this is doing that even just a lil’ bit, then I wanna walk and leave you be, no matter how much it’d rip my heart out to do that!” Damien only realised he had tears spilling over when the sea air hit his cheeks and chilled them. With Liam’s prompting, everything came pouring out and he let the guards drop. But he didn’t know anymore what was right or wrong, all he knew was if Liam wanted cards on the table, this was Damien’s final hand, whatever way it fell.
Liam stepped up to Damien, breaching the gap between them and caught his face between his hands and pulled him into a desperate kiss. It was rough and bruising, the force of it fueled with emotions. It was hungry and they both lost their balance just slightly on the uneven sand… the kiss kept them upright. His stomach felt like it was up near his throat and his heart was thundering in his chest now. The only thing that paused the kiss briefly was the need to catch their breath. “If you hurt me a third time, I’ll never speak to you again,” he murmured breathlessly against Damien’s lips in the kiss. “Tell me what you want…”
Damien definitely had a boner now but there was no accident. He nodded, making sure the kiss didn’t stop. “I won’t. I wanna get it right, no matter what it takes. I’ll just need your help, I think. So I don’t fuck it up.” He slipped his hand beneath the back of Liam’s jacket, fingertips exploring the curve of his lower back, feeling the toned muscles through the thin sheer fabric of his shirt. “I wanna make love to you like we did back when everything was perfect. I’m sorry I took you to a crowded bar. Wait. Tell me what you want.” He pulled back to take Liam’s hands because as amazing as the kissing was, it could wait.
“That. That is all I ever wanted. You to tell me you need my help, rather than just trying to go our relationship alone. Because all that did was make you go it alone, and make me go it alone. And you know what, I can live without a relationship or sex. I get plenty of fulfilment in my job and I can go a long way there putting all my energy and focus into my career. In a lot of ways, it’s fucking easier. But if I want a relationship, it’s got to be worth fighting for. Not fighting against. I fought against it twice with you and I can’t do that again. I can’t. This scares me! It makes me want to run and hide! It makes me want to crawl into bed and not get out but I have to constantly make conscious choices to push beyond the shit in my head and all I want is to know if you’re going to be in that with me. The good and the bad, not just the good trying to kiss better the bad and think that’ll take it away.” Liam stepped away again, moving to stand so close to the water, it was lapping the tips of his shoes. Watching the endless expanse of water and horizon, it was grounding. “I stopped believing I could just not be okay with you anymore because everytime I wasn’t, you wanted to save me from it. Save me from things I’ll always have to live with. And that was exhausting and painful. I never felt more alone than I did sharing a bed with a guy who was emotionally fucking deluded all the time. But you know now on some level what it’s like to live with mental illness and I don’t know, I guess that gives me hope. But it still scares me.”
“Let’s go for a walk.” Damien came up beside Liam and offered him his hand with a soft smile. “I had a lotta lessons to learn, love. Not just about us and relationships in general but about myself. I look back and I know how deluded I was. It was like I was trying to live a fucking fairy tale or some shit. I grew up in such a sheltered and narrow-minded world and it’s fucking ironic that I came to New York to get away from that. For this freedom to be myself. Fuck, I never expected to make such a fucking balls of things. More than once. I just need you to know it was never your illness or your trauma that caused it. It was me not understanding how to help you and I guess not understanding what was going on in my own head a lot of the time. It was like, if I could just fix every little thing that was going wrong, it would be easy. But I was holding it all up to this stupid fucking ideal of a content relationship with a picket fence and meat and three veg meals every night. Hell, maybe even a dog and a family RV in the mix, just to make it even more cringey. But that’s what I grew up with and I literally knew nothing else for so long. That’s what caused me to fuck it the first time. The second time, I started to lose my grip on reality because Merlin found out he was adopted and it felt like my family was gonna fall apart. I’m scared too. I’m scared I’m not the right person to take care of you but I’m not scared to tell you I need your help. I’m not scared to try to do this together finally. And Jesse told me to apologise if I get a boner, so I apologise for getting a boner when we kissed,” he added sheepishly, feeling like he just needed to get that out there.
It had been intense and stressful for a bit there because - like it or not - they had to hash this shit out. They had to understand where each other was trying to figure this out. But at that, Liam laughed and gave Damien’s hand a squeeze. “Yep. That sounds like Jess. So, I take it you’ve talked to him about all this?” They had walked a little way along the beach as Damien sort through what was going through his head, just like Liam had the chance to. Being a weeknight, the crowds weren’t too bad and there weren’t many people this far away from the main boardwalk thoroughfare. So, Liam sat on the sand, tugging Damien’s hand to sit with him. It wasn’t late yet and he didn’t feel tired. They couldn’t intercept this yet, not while they had the momentum. “Just for the record, meat and three veg each night? Bloody fuck, no thanks. Some nights, I barely even remember how to peel a carrot, I’m so tired, so that’s a no on the ground rules. I don’t eat a lot of mean anymore anyway.”
Damien didn’t have to be invited twice to sit. He appreciated the quieter stretch of beach. Besides, most of the people were up near the boardwalk where all the activity was, not closer to the water. It gave them the privacy they needed. He was laughing too, enjoying the warmth of Liam close at his side. They were still holding hands. He shot Liam a smile, raising an eyebrows. “Oh, yeah? Literally or figuratively?” he joked and ran the fingers of his other hand through the sand. “It’s funny, I spent so long in the UK, it felt like the accent became so familiar, the American accent sounded weird when I’d talk to my folks. But now, your accent still drives me nuts, you know. Now I know for a fact you have a posh Londoner accent and fucking hell, does England have a lot of different accents. I like the idea of ground rules, though. I don’t like that name, though. Maybe just… a checklist of priorities? I talked to Jess and a little to Merl, but he’s been so poorly and stressed about Brandon. Jess has always been my Yoda, though. I thought he’d hate me or at least wanna give me the cold shoulder. He’s been through a lot with Jace but still gave me the time, just like old times. It was nice. He kinda just helped me see reason on things I was already dealing with. Mostly, I didn’t know if I should tell you how I felt and create problems for you, or just stifle it down and avoid it. Which never seems to be the good option.”
“Both,” Liam confirmed with a smirk and turned his gaze back to the soothing view of the water. He cleared his throat and shrugged, knowing it was time to be real on that issue. “You were the first sexual contact I’ve had in awhile. Ages. Months. I don’t want you thinking Pax has done some sort of awful thing running around and fucking about on me behind my back because of it. That’s not what happened. He was drunk and high. He barely remembers it. The truth of the situation is, even with Pax, who I’ve known my whole life and was my first, I still struggled with sex. It’s not that I don’t want it. I can go right into it and then my head gets in the way. I’m glad you told me and I appreciate the boner honesty but that doesn’t bother me. I’m still a gay guy, I can still appreciate the aesthetic of a hard dick.” His gaze shifted back to Damien’s and then it mapped down Damien’s body to his lap. Damien was wearing his signature black low-riding jeans and Liam let go of Damien’s hand so he could slowly unzip the fly, eyes locking Damien’s again when he slipped his hand inside them.
Damien’s breath hitched and he dropped his head back. “O-Oh, shit,” he gasped. He had just been getting to a place where his dick was started to behave itself and now this. This very unexpected plot twist that he had absolutely no objections to. He didn’t even care if they were pretty much in public here. He knew Liam was going to climb into his lap and ride him. Unless they came up close, no one would know what was happening here. Damien knew. Every inch of Damien knew. He lifted his head and pulled Liam into a kiss. They still had talking to do but he would struggle to form cohesive sentences while Liam’s hand was down his pants. “Holy fuck, Li… I’m gonna come if you keep going like that.”
Liam wasn’t really jerking Damien off. At least, not yet. He was more trying to reacclimatise himself with Damien’s body, how it felt… the familiarity was all still there. The kisses weren’t even urgent like they had been before. “Do you want to?” he murmured into the kiss, not letting it break.
“Fuck, yes,” Damien breathed, biting down on his lip. This was so much more intimate than just a random jerk-off. A few tugs and squeezes with that and Damien would’ve been done. He could feel that Liam was being purposeful here; tender and gentle. It was igniting a yearning in Damien that had come with the sensation of pain and loss before. He never in a million years thought he would ever have another moment like this with Liam and he was struggling to even think straight.
Liam paused and he moved his hand to stroke Damien’s stomach. “How about together? Back in our room. I just, um… might need to take it slow. Are you up for the challenge? Just… fuck…” He chewed the corner of his lips, gathering his thoughts. “If I can’t, I won’t leave you hanging or anything like that. What I’m trying to say is that I want this but it might take some trial and error. And hopefully you not feeling rejected or useless if I can’t do things normally. Shit, I’m sorry. I know it’s a lot to ask.” He sat forward, raking his fingers through his hair. He wanted this but he could feel the anxiety creeping up inside him again. It felt so stupid sometimes because he did this with Damien barely days ago and survived. If only PTSD worked by switching the emotions on and off.
Damien zipped his jeans back up and sat forward too, watching Liam’s face when he tried to explain. “Hey…” he murmured, rubbing Liam’s back. “Do I want to do this? Yes. Is it a challenge? No. No, it ain’t. If we’re gonna do this, it ain’t no damn challenge. It’ll be our way. We’ll have to figure it out and I don’t see any of your condition as an imposition. Ain’t I always been understanding with this stuff? I thought it was the one part I did get right. You’re gonna be scared, babe. It’s a phobia but I’m here if you wanna try. And I’ll still be here if you can’t manage it. Is this… us getting back together? Or is it kinda a final goodbye? Just so I know where I stand.”
That took Liam by surprise and exhaled heavily with a little laugh, shooting Damien a puzzled look. “A final goodbye? Sex wouldn’t be involved in a final goodbye for me. Sex is… the complete opposite of that for me. It wouldn’t even just be sex, you know? We don’t have to spell it out. I’d like to give it a try. Maybe if we, like, make a promise to speak up if it’s not working for us? Be honest about it and take it as it comes? Maybe just promise to be there for each other if we’re having bad days. Am I talking utter shit here?”
“No,” Damien insisted, taking Liam’s hand and bringing it to his lips to kiss. “All that, what you just said, that’s what I want. That’s what I’ve always wanted. Even if we try and all we end up doing is snuggling in our PJs and watching Netflix, I’m cool with it. We can find other ways and honestly, babe, I ain’t bothered if I just have to duck to the bathroom and jerk off if you can’t get through it. It doesn’t have to be a major thing for you to keep tackling. We just take each time as it comes. And I’m gonna take a leave outta Merlin’s book here. He said he and Brandon are only really being intimate when they’re both feeling it and on the same page. They gotta do a whole lotta taking it as it comes and I think we can do that too, right? When we were good together, babe, I thought we were incredible. I never wanna make you fearful or uncomfortable with this. If you just tell me how you’re feeling, I’ll roll with it. No questions asked. I promise you that.”
Liam smiled and nodded, feeling the anxiety dissipate. “Yeah, it’s a strategy I guess a lot of people have to rely on if there’s issues. Jess and Jace are the same. Sasha and Justin. I mean, if they can still make it work with C-PTSD and asexuality in the mix, we can, right? I can handle it if we keep going like this. If I can’t, I’ll tell you. Or maybe you’ll figure out the cues again, I don’t know. I get that sometimes, I can’t always figure out what I’m feeling. I, uh… didn’t come prepared for this, by the way. No condoms, no lube.”
“Me either,” Damien admitted with a laugh and stood, offering Liam a hand up. “We can swing by the drug store on the way back to the guesthouse. It doesn’t really matter what we do, does it? It’s just about reconnecting, I think. It might take time.”
Liam got up and brushed the sand off his pants. About all his clothes were designer, when he wasn’t stuck in scrubs and a lab coat, that was. After he was raped, once he was in recovery, he used clothing to layer and hide. It was something that stuck, yet another thing he could maintain control over, a bi-product of his PTSD. Once he was satisfied he got rid of all the sand, he tucked his arm around Damien’s waist and they started to head up the beach to where they were staying. “Are you okay to hit the drug store? I seriously need the bathroom. You can take my credit card if you want.”
Damien shook his head, easily reciprocating with his arm around Liam too. It felt so nice. He really didn’t want this night to end. “It’s cool. I’ve got cash. I actually made excellent money on my UK tour and Justin’s mob have given me an advance to cover rehearsal hours and shit. You okay? Upset stomach?”
“Just… anxiety, you know? I’m fine. When do you start your rehearsals?” Liam asked. He paused walking for a middle, gripping hold of a handful of Damien’s shirt when his chest felt a little constricted. “I... think I’m about to have an anxiety attack.”
Damien quickly turned to Liam, taking both his hands to analyse him. He’d gone a little pale and sweaty, his breathing kind of shallow. “Okay. It’s okay, love. What do you need? You need to get to bathroom? It’s just right along here.”
Liam’s vision was starting to morph into a bright white light in his peripheral vision and he was feeling a little faint. He could feel himself shaking and breathing heavily but he couldn’t stop it or pull it back. He had been hoping like fuck this wouldn’t happen and he was mildly pissed off at himself. Or he would be when this passed. “I-I’ll try.”
“I’ve got you.” Damien wrapped his arm around Liam’s shoulders, watching him in concern. It wasn’t the first time he had seen Liam having a panic attack but it had been a really long time since he had. They really could just hit quickly. Considering the topics they had been discussing, he actually thought Liam dealt with it really well. He brushed Liam’s hair out of his face and wiped away some of the beads of perspiration with his thumb. He felt bad it took this turn, though.
They got just a few feet away from the steps to the boardwalk when Liam threw up on the sand without warning. As soon as he was done, he fainted and thanks to Damien’s quick reflexes, didn’t fall into the mess. Damien just sunk down to the sand holding Liam against him. He was freaking out a bit but Liam would need him to stay calm. Liam lost consciousness for about a minute or two and clawed himself back to wakefulness. Damien stroked his cheek, watching him closely. “Does that feel a bit better, love?” he asked softly and kissed Liam’s hair where Liam’s head had dropped to his shoulder. “It was second-rate nachos we had for dinner anyway.”
Liam knew it was a spanner in the works but it was what it was. Damien was amazing getting him back to the guesthouse and while Liam was busy in the bathroom, Damien ran along to the drug store to get what they needed, if they got to that point. He wouldn’t go until Liam gave him the green light that he would be fine until he got back. When Damien returned, Liam had finished in the bathroom and was lying on the queen-sized bed with his legs hanging over the end, a cold cloth over his face. Damien sat beside him, softly rubbing his chest. “You okay, love? Is this where it might help to have some weed? Or maybe you just wanna crash and sleep it off? Just say the word.”
“I’m okay. It’s passing.” Liam took the face cloth away and gave Damien a wry smile. “I know what that seemed like and I’m sorry. It wasn’t any one thing. I feel better now anyway. That really was so epically not romantic, holy fuck. I think I do need to have a hit, though.” He rubbed his hand over his face, feeling a little wiped out. He took Damien’s hand and used it to lever himself to sit up.
“Good thing no one was looking for perfect romance, huh?” Damien offered Liam a bottle of water he grabbed from the mini bar. “I know how they go. Your body just has to get it all out before you can come out of it. I’m not freaked out, just worried if you’re okay. You wanna go out onto the balcony so you can smoke? It’s nice out there. Not too cold. I know this goes without saying but I’m gonna say it anyway… if this is too much, just say. I’ll understand.”
Liam took the water gratefully and had a mouthful of it. No, he wasn’t a fan of how the anxiety attacks made him feel but he also knew it was a psychological protective mechanism he would never escape. He was on all the meds he could be on, had all the therapy he could, used all the cognitive strategies he had been taught… none of it took away the fact he had been violently raped and it left him with PTSD. Something that Damien had always respected. There had never been a single moment Damien pushed or pressured him. That was always something he truly loved in him, no matter how much their situation of their relationship got difficult. “This is not just fear. It’s nerves and worrying if I’m doing the right thing. Maybe a bit of excited anticipation that we might get this right for once. Because you know me, I overthink everything. Then my brain forgets how to be a brain and just chucks a diva spat and storms out of the functioning room. So, yes, let’s go outside because it does help.” He patted Damien’s leg and stood, then stumbled into the bed because he was still woozy.
Damien caught his arm, shooting off the bed to take Liam around the waist. “Okay, sure, I do know your brain and it’s a prized overthinker. But I also know you push yourself too far and too quick than you’re ready, so I’m going to help you out onto the balcony and you’re going to tell me where your weed stash is so I can bring it out to you. Unless you have a pile of super private shit in your bag and don’t want me in there, so in that case, I can bring your bag out to you.”
“There's a little zip bag in the front pocket of my sports bag with the weed.” Liam shot Damien an amused smile and he let him help him out onto the balcony. “Nope, about the most private thing in my bag is my undies and it’s not like you haven’t seen those. And my meds. My carefully constructed regime of meds that still allows me to cut seriously ill people open to save their lives. But… no secrets. All my cards are literally out of my bag and on the table. Are yours?” he had to ask quietly.
“Well, besides the horrible secret of the time I got food poisoning eating dodgy fish and chips in London and barfed all over the stage and nearly shit myself in the middle of the set of a sell-out show that I swore I would never tell anyone about ever again? Promise all my cards are on the table too. That doesn’t mean you can’t ask me questions. I’ll tell you anything you wanna know.” Damien helped Liam sit on one of the sunlounges and found the zip bag to bring back to him. He took the other lounge and relaxed back into it. “This place is so nice. It’s nice to get outta the city chaos.”
Liam couldn’t hold back a bit of a laugh at Damien’s story. “Damn, love. That’s probably not a story you wanna tell your grandkids. Amusing anecdote aside, that sounds awful. I hope you had someone there to help you. Nothing worse than being ill so far away from home without anyone there to help. Sometimes, just having someone there to rub your back when you’re sick makes all the difference in the world.” He took his lighter and one of the joints out, putting it between his lips to light up. He inhaled slowly, letting the weed do its job and blew the smoke out in a slow stream away from Damien. “That wasn’t lost on me down at the beach just now, by the way.”
Damien watched Liam with his joint, unable to avoid thinking how hot it was. Liam was obviously used to smoking pot which was a little surreal to Damien because it wasn’t something Liam did when they were together before. Liam had mostly been teetotal too, finding booze fucked with his head too much. This time, he chilled with a light beer at the bar and had overall seemed to be doing okay, panic attack aside. That wasn’t a surprise to Damien, considering the subject matter they had been going over. “Okay, there was someone there after the fact, who came around after the show to check if I was okay. Which I wasn’t so much, I was sick as a dog for three days straight and haven’t been able to stand the sight of fish and chips ever since. Brit Fail in all its glory. But, um, that person was Brendan… Caden’s nephew. He’s the person I was seeing over there. And I know… I know… Trey. They’ve been on the rocks for awhile. No excuse and I ain’t proud of it but he was a huge comfort when I was dealing with everything. I don’t think he’d be all that surprised to hear I was still in love with you. He dragged me through a few of my worst benders.”
“Oh, well, we can’t be together in that case. Date someone who heave at fish and chips? Epic fail. What’s next, you telling me you hate tea?” Liam joked, giving Damien a small smirk but he picked up on the weight of what Damien was saying and nodded slowly, putting the joint back to his lips. He let the information sink in because it wasn’t superficial. “So, you’re still with him? Is that what you’re telling me? That’s a pretty big card you missed putting on the table but it’s okay, I get it. We’ve had a whole lot of other things to talk about. But you realise anything with you and me can’t happen unless you’re single. I can’t deal with anything messy. As soon as we get back, I’m going to be Skyping Pax to let him know everything.”
“Tea? Hell no. I wouldn’t have survived without tea. Tea helps everything. I drink it more than coffee now. But yeah, heaving’s a pretty accurate description of when I smell fish and chips. Chips on their own, though, I’m totally there. Way better than fries,” Damien joked back and then exhaled heavily, stretching his arms up behind his head. “Brendan and I were never exclusive or official. I mean, I’ll talk to him, of course. But I ain’t really dated anyone since you and and I broke up. All this time, I just thought it was because I ain’t met the right person to try again and me thinking I was abysmal at relationships. But I think it was just because I was still in love with you. Man, I was so deluded. I had no clue until Brandon called me out on it. Trust me, I know it’s huge that basically a stranger I only knew for a bit picked up on it.”
“I don’t think you were ever really abysmal at relationships. That’s a bit harsh on yourself. You just wanted to reach this ideal that didn’t exist and when you couldn’t achieve that, you gave up and pulled away instead. Pretty sure we’d be married by now if things hadn’t crashed and burned. But I do take some of that responsibility, okay? Fuck, I know my illness isn’t an easy thing to deal with. Some days, it’s fucking impossible for me manage myself, so it wouldn’t be fair to expect anyone else to manage it 100% of the time..” Liam offered Damien his free hand to take, smiling. He watched the smoke smouldering from the joint, dissipating into the night air and took another slow puff from it, holding it between his thumb and index finger. “You said down on the beach that you’d be happy to duck to the bathroom to jerk off if I’m ever not up to anything sexual. You don’t have to do that. Like, ever. It’s not being sexual that bothers me because there was nothing intimate or romantic about the traumatic experience. I have a divide in my head. It’s just the fear of the sexual act, the intercourse and mostly bottoming, because it reminds me of the rape. I don’t even know why I’m spelling this out to you, I know you have some concept of it. What I’m trying to say is, it’s kind of different now. I actually get a lot out of watching a partner or helping out even if I can’t… have intercourse.”
Damien held up a hand, clearing his throat and shifting on the lounge. “I’m legit getting a boner watching you smoke that joint. Are you sure you don’t want me to go deal with it? Because thinking of you watching me is making it worse. But if you’re telling me this to see if I’ve gotta preference well, if we can still be intimate and romantic without stirring it all up for you, then I wanna do that. I just ain’t sure of the specific, y’know? Can you guide me how it all is for you now? Is there anything you still like even if we can’t have intercourse or anything absolutely off limits? I know ground rules ain’t the best terminology but I think it’s important too so we don’t get all caught up in logistics. I wanna still be able to make love to you. Like, so fucking much,” he murmured, lacing his finger’s with Liam’s, enjoying how warm Liam’s hands were.
Liam threw Damien a smirk, blowing out a spirally stream of smoke. “Actually, I want to be the one to take care of it once this weed gets me chill enough. But sure, there’s things I still like. I like oral and rimming, sort of. I struggle being on the receiving end if my anxiety’s being a cunt and even when it’s not, I’ve got to take time to lead up to it. It’s basically a long foreplay type thing. I like getting each other off in the bath or shower. I like going for drives to somewhere with amazing scenery and making in the back of the car or on a blanket on the grass. I like watching a partner get themselves off. I like naked snuggles in bed when I’m tired. Or massages.” He exhaled and finished off the joint, stubbing it out in the ashtray nearby. “Off limits… I don’t like rough sex. At all. It’s basically a direct trigger to flashbacks. You already know that. Got to have lube. I can’t do the whole saliva thing, it’s painful and that also causes freak outs. Not really keen on sixty-nining. I find it claustrophobic. Bathrooms and clubs are still totally off. Really don’t like unexpected fingers up the butt. I need to be told if that’s wanted and see how I feel about it. Oh, and I don’t mind toys but only using them on myself or watching someone else with them. I don’t like them being used on me. They can get weirdly uncomfortable and make me panicky. Fuck, I’m a seriously picky bitch.”
Damien shook his head, wetting his lips. “No. Nope. You’re not picky, you’re being open and honest and I want. I need it. I wanna be able to make you feel good, not push your limits. What about nuts? Because I’ve seriously always had this fantasy I keep jerking off to of you playing with my balls until I come without you even needing to touch my dick. I think it came from that first time way back when we first started and we were watching a movie under a blanket and you did that to me. This was before we had sex. Because, baby, I ain’t ever forgotten you were my first. Nothing’s ever been able to live up to that, despite the issues you face. You’ve always been so fucking sexy and desirable to me. I’ll never mind if I’ve got to have that from afar when you ain’t well.”
Liam smiled again, slowly leaning over watching Damien’s lips before his met them in a tender, slow kiss. It eased off and he squeezed Damien’s hand. “Nuts are definitely on the menu.” He ran his tongue slowly over his lips. “Are we going to seal all this officially and make love tonight? I’m ready.”
Damien couldn’t help breaking into a grin. “Hell yeah, darlin’. Let’s go.”
LOG, COMPLETE