Damien Thomas Larson (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
musicsavesmysoul) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
dreamlikenewyork2019-03-30 10:11 pm
musicsavesmysoul) wrote in dreamlikenewyork2019-03-30 10:11 pm
"Ease our minds together."
Who: Damien Larson and Liam Morgan
What: Firguring it out together
Where: Seaside Heights, NJ
When: After this and this
Damien found a nice little guesthouse to book in Seaside Heights in NJ. Liam was going to get some sleep after his crazy 36-hour on-call shift and Damien was going to head over to his place later in the afternoon so they could drive to NJ in Liam’s car (that was new, Liam never had a car before) so they would arrive in time to find someone to grab dinner. It was obvious when Liam answered the door that he had just woken up and sheepishly admitted he slept through his alarm. He got changed and threw everything he needed into a sports bag, double-checking that he had his meds.
Damien offered to drive because Liam looked like he barely remembered how to spell his name, let alone navigate a car. It was cute. He remembered Liam’s sleepy look from the many times he came home from nightshifts during his internship when they were dating. But he didn’t verbalise that thought out loud, of course. Before they even exited Manhattan city limits, Liam was out for the count again, head propped up on his hand resting against the window from where he had been trying to keep his eyes open, with the softest breathy little snores. Damien had to stifle the urge to laugh or he’d wake him.
They pulled up at a congested junction with a red light and Damien gave Liam’s shoulder a little shake. “Li? Why don’t you put your seat back, love? You’re going to give yourself a sore neck.” He turned the music right down low and Liam just gave a nod, buzzing the seat back and curling onto his side facing Damien a bit and dozed off again straight away.
In a way, Damien was relieved Liam was sleeping because he had been worrying the conversation on the drive might be awkward. Even though Merlin had told him he and Brandon did a whole lot of talking on their road trip and the time together in the car really helped, they didn’t have the complicated past full of pain and regret Liam and Damien had, followed by falling into bed together as soon as they were alone for the first time. He made sure he took his flu pills before leaving so he had a clear head and the time driving would give him time to think. His conversation with Jesse had been exactly what he needed to get him at least on the right track on how to tackle this. No, all the answers wouldn’t be there just because he was stressing himself out. Jesse had been right… he and Liam had to figure this out together.
Liam slept the whole way and if he didn’t look so uncomfortable, Damien probably would’ve left him there until he was ready to wake up. He waited to wake him until he checked in and carried their bags into the fully-contained beachside apartment. It was two storeys, the downstairs containing the kitchenette, living area and bathroom, with the upstairs a loft bedroom with a balcony that overlooked the water. The room had a queen-sized bed and single bunks, obviously to accommodate a family. He wouldn’t mind taking the bunks so Liam could have the bed. It was the only place left with a decent room due to being spring and obviously a popular spring break destination. It wasn’t a hotel so they wouldn’t have room service or anything like that but they were so close to the boardwalk and shops, so finding somewhere to eat wouldn’t be a hassle. He woke Liam by taking his hand and ging it a little squeeze. “Time to wake up, Sleeping Beauty, we’re here.”
Liam was used to catching brief naps in the middle of his on-call shift if there were lulls, so he really wasn’t a heavy sleeper. He woke quickly, though he was disoriented for a moment or two until he remembered the trip to Jersey with Damien. He rubbed his eyes and stretched. “Fuck, I slept the whole way?” He tried to smooth his hair down and squinted while his eyes worked to adjust to the bright light. Climbing out of the car, he stretched again and saw how close they were to the ocean. The place was right on the boardwalk and he raised his eyebrows, impressed. “Good call.” Taking a deep breath of fresh air, enjoying the atmosphere, he stretched again, massaging his neck. Then he leaned in to get his messenger bag and sunglasses, discovering a box of flu pills in the console. “Hey, did you catch Merlin’s flu? Shit, you should’ve told me. We didn’t have to do this if you’re feeling shitty. It would wait. It’s a pretty nasty strain of flu he was hit with.”
Damien waved his hand, dismissing the concern. “It’s all good, love. The pills are doing their job. Jesse made sure I caught it before it morphed into the horrible demon that literally had Merl by the throat. I’m just a bit snotty and achy. Can’t keep a good bitch down and all that. You wanna see if we can find somewhere to eat? You gotta have a lot of recharging to do after your on-call shift. Seriously, I had no idea you had to do shit like that. I’d be keeling over halfway in. Jess told me what your residency is like. I remember when you’d applied for it and you were so sure you weren’t good enough to get it but then you beat out hundreds of other people and now you’re, like, operating on ultra-serious trauma patients. It’s so incredible. I’m proud of you… uh. If I’m even allowed to say that. Sorry. Nevermind the flu, I suddenly seen to have contracted an epic case of verbal diarrhea.”
Liam smirked and handed Damien the flu pills. “You always did get verbal diarrhea when you were nervous. Don’t worry, I’m not going to interrogate you about our break-ups or… anything, really. That’s not why I came. I’ve got to pee. Then we can go scope out dinner options.” He hitched his bag over his shoulder and headed into the apartment to find the bathroom. Mostly, he was still to figure out why he came but he thought it was something he could think about when they spent the time together. All he knew was that this had to happen. He and Damien needed to face this and getting away from the grind to do it was a good idea. He definitely needed a break after the week at work he had.
Damien grabbed a handful of his hair and had to force himself to look over at the water so he didn’t perve on Liam’s ass. Some cruel power-that-be had Liam throwing on skinny jeans and this super sexy semi-sheer black and blue button-up that fit him perfectly and brought out the intensity of his blue eyes with an edgy cropped suede jacket over the top. Liam had always been a fashionable guy but for Damien that evening, it felt like he just stepped off a catwalk while Damien was there in his average dude jeans and much-loved Rolling Stones t-shirt. Now he was just wondering why Liam had come if it wasn’t to interrogate him. He wished he could turn the nerves off but that was easier said than done.
Liam double-checked he had his wallet and phone, then went back out on the deck to meet Damien. “I just noticed from the window they have that awesome Skyride thing.” He pointed to where the chairs were leisurely circling above the boardwalk with people enjoying the views of the water. “I’m game if you are. I haven’t done anything random or fun in ages. Unless you want to eat straight away. But you puke on ferris wheels, so maybe not. Definitely not after we eat,” he laughed.
“Hey, that was one time and it turned out to be gastro that I caught off wee Riley and Bonnie because kids? Are total germ magnets. I lost count of how many laps I did of the London Eye while I was in the UK but… just in case, yeah, let’s go before we eat,” Damien agreed, laughing too. Why did this feel so easy? He remembered their easy in the past and it felt so much like that but he was too scared to think this was ultimately going to mean anything. They started to head along the boardwalk to track down where they boarded the thing. There was a companionable silence between them but Damien started to feel awkward by it. In the end, he decided to just bite the bullet. “Um, why did you come here? You said it wasn’t to interrogate me, which is what I was kinda psyching myself up for. You gotta right to ask me about anything that went down.”
Liam tucked his hands in his pockets and enjoyed the casual pace they had, not rushing. “The simple answer to that is, I don’t really know. I just was going to wing it somehow. I don’t really have a precedent to call on for this and it’s pretty confusing. The more complicated answer would be that I thought a change of scenery to do this would be better. Away from the apartment where I’ve lived with Pax… away from New York, really. I do want to be honest with you though, so going into this, you should know that I’ve been going through a relapse recently. About three months ago, I had a patient try to…” He bit his lip, making a rolling motion with his hand as he scrambled for the right words. “It was just one incident. It wasn’t anything serious and my supervisors stepped in as soon as I reported it but it triggered everything. It’s part of the reason why I didn’t deal well when Pax told me he cheated on me. You… well, you felt safe to me. If that makes sense…”
Damien wanted to give Liam a hug but considering what Liam was revealing to him, this wasn’t a time to spring physical contact on him. When Liam was doing well, he loved all that stuff. When he wasn’t… well, Damien ended up with a black eye because of it once. He just made a conscious choice to step a bit closer to Liam without touching him and he nodded. “It makes sense. I know you well enough for it all to make crystal clear sense and you don’t have to connect all the little dots because I get it’s probably hard to talk about and that you didn’t have to tell me any of this. Are you okay to be doing this? It sounds like you’ve had a rough few months and I don’t want to make it harder for you. Was it your depression that relapsed, or are you saying there was another suicide attempt?”
“It’s cool. I wouldn’t have come if I wasn’t okay to be doing this. I’m okay now. Just working to get back on top of everything. Because it happened at work, Dave was great and did everything he could to make sure I was okay. Depression and anxiety. Mostly anxiety. Hard to switch my brain off, always trying to think ten steps ahead. That’s why Walker prescribed me cannabis. It grounds me after the crazier shifts and helps me turn off on my days off so I’m not stuck in the mess of my brain. Remembering to be in the moment...” That was a big thing his therapy centred around. PTSD could rob you of the ability to remain in the moment and cherish it. Your mind was like a broken record, stuck with the past churning over and over. Liam could factor a lot of his depression around this and he was still learning to try to value each moment as it came, noticing the things that mattered. It was a work-in-progress and probably always would be. “So, when you told me you were diagnosed with dysthymia, I really got it. It might not be the same as my mental issues but all these things have the same common denominator - fucked up emotions. I think that’s why I’m here. There was more to our breakups than either of could see at the time, so I think it’s time to let us both off the hook.”
“Off the hook…?” Damien asked hesitantly as they got to the entry for the Skyride and joined the line. So, it really was closure Liam was looking for. Damien tried not to let himself fall into a pit of misery with his disappointment over that. But had he really been hoping something more could happen for a third time? There was a tiny glimmer of hope he had kept alight inside since they slept together and it grew after his conversation with Jesse. He knew it was impossible to ever know what Liam was thinking, though. Liam’s mental illness was complicated and complex, so he would have reasoned any of his decisions out extensively before making them. “I really thought you’d think if I told you about it, it was to make excuses for what happened. I still own what happened but I needed you to know it wasn’t because of you. You were--” Still the only person I ever loved, he finished in his head but decided not to stay that bit out loud.
Liam nodded with a little shrug. “Yeah. Off the hook of guilt and regret. Self-blame. None of it’s healthy to hold onto when you’ve got depression. And, well, I’m a doctor. I know what dysthymia is. Your episodes are long-term, or chronic for the technical term. That would’ve been exhausting, especially before a diagnosis when you didn’t know anything was wrong. I didn’t see it as you making excuses. If anything, it made a lot finally make sense. You have to remember that you’ve been living it but I can look back and see the signs now I know. And I just… don’t blame you for it. If I did, I’d be a hypocrite.”
It was such a big call for Liam to make that Damien’s forehead creased in concentration as he tried to contemplate how that might feel. “I, uh… I’m not sure I know how to do that. I’ve always just thought I deserved to feel the guilt throwing away the best thing that ever happened to me. When they first told me what they thought it was, I did feel like it was just an excuse. It was only really when I started therapy and understood what certain things meant that I could see it. Then there was a lot of guilt because I felt like I hadn’t take good enough care of you with your illness. Can we really just set all that aside? You don’t have to be so understanding about it all.”
“I’ve already set it aside,” Liam murmured with a small smile as they were called up to the front of the line to get onto the Skyride. As the ride started, they were in silence and Liam closed his eyes, enjoying to seabreeze on his face and the sound of the hustle-bustle of the boardwalk mingling with the ocean lapping on the shore. “You don’t deserve any of that guilt, Damien. Do you want to talk to me about it? The dysthymia, what you went through with it? It might help to get it off your chest. I think that’s why coming away was a good idea because we need to talk. A lot. Most of what you’re feeling here is because of stuff going on in your head.”
This ride thing felt weird and Damien was gripping onto the safety bar at first until he realised it was safe. He watched Liam, taking in how beautiful he looked when he was relaxed. He was beautiful all the time but there was a serenity to him when he didn’t seem like he had the weight of the world on his shoulders. “Um… a lot of the time I felt like I had the flu. I was exhausted all the time and just felt like sleeping. Some days, I didn’t even get outta bed. I’d get up and do my gigs, then go back home to bed until the next gig the following night. I barely ate and when I did, it was shit takeout. And I was real homesick, so that made it worse. It felt like everyone was back in the US with all their shit together living perfect lives and there was no room there for me anymore. That’s why I disabled all my social media. I was scared of seeing everyone’s life and knowing mine was shit. I know a lot of that was my mind playing tricks on me but it’s bloody real when it’s happening. I couldn’t concentrate on anything and didn’t wanna be around anyone. Then I started drinking a hell of a lot and when I was trashed, I’d get angry at the smallest things. The hangovers were horrific but it was like worthy punishment or something. It was just lonely. I felt really alone. That’s the part that started to make sense for me. How even though our relationship was okay when it was, you still felt alone when you were ill and it was wrong of me to keep thinking I could save you. I’m actually realising as I spell all this out that these are the sorts of things you would feel when you had your depressive episodes. It’s not like I didn’t know but having you here beside me while I say it out loud, it feels like a reality check. That you would have such bad days, you would be physically sick.”
Liam nodded and zipped up his jacket with the air a little cooler up on the ride. “To be fair, though, it was the PTSD triggers that made me sick, not really the depression. The bad depression days, it was often a slippery slope in my head to the triggers. I know it took a long time for you to understand you weren’t the cause of me withdrawing. At the time, that was frustrating because I didn’t know how else to explain what I was experiencing. You were the first relationship I had after the rape and it was a lot of me re-learning normal intimacy. Normal touch, even. I was always conscious that was a pressure on everything. I wished I could take it away and change what I’d become, but I couldn’t. Still haven’t cracked it. Probably never will.”
He slipped his hands back into his pockets and settled back on the seat. “You thought we were all back here living it up when really, shit was hitting the fan possibly even more than usual. I know you won’t believe me when I say that, considering you’re aware Pax and I got engaged but… I don’t know. I see Miles and Rhys, right? They did the whole transferring friendship into a highly successful marriage like absolute freaking bosses. Kyan and Reecy have just done the same thing, they have a baby on the way and all. But Pax and me, I think… well, the intimacy was difficult. I think he has a lot of exploring his sexuality to do and I’m just not the right person for that for anyone, not just Pax. You know, I never expected to see you again. I didn’t think you’d come back from the UK. I looked you up when I was last over for a family thing and all your shows were listed as sell-outs.”
“Yeah, I actually talked a whole lot about it all to my therapist back in Scotland and she spent a lot of time helping me understand PTSD on a deeper level. How the brain responds to trauma the way it does and how sexual assault trauma could almost be its own type of PTSD within itself because what it does to a victim’s psychological state. I told her how you’d actually nearly been killed, which just took it to a whole other level in itself. Not that I ever thought I’d have much of a chance of anything with you. It was just important I understood how much I really couldn’t have rescued you. It wasn’t that I felt I failed in rescuing you. It wasn’t that because I believed you when you told me that. But I felt like I failed you all over. Romantically, in love, in protecting you, caring for you, being there for you. I deluded myself epically in thinking that just because we were engaged, we’d be together forever from there-on in,” Damien murmured, clearing his throat and looking over at the water. It was an emotional subject for him to discuss because it still hurt. He was pretty sure it would always hurt, even in twenty years down the track and they were both had families of their own.
He looked back with a small frown when Liam said that. “Really? You looked me up? You could’ve come. I would’ve gotten you in. No. Wait. That sounds dumb. You would’ve been with Pax then, it would’ve been weird for you. Forget I said that, it was reflexive. You were probably back and forth over there a lot while I was over there, your family are there. Exploring his sexuality? Wasn’t he already out when you guys decided to take thing to the next level? You know what, though? No matter how it’s turned out, I could see the amazing friendship you had with him when I went to see you in London when we got back together after our first breakup. He was so in-tuned to you and what you were feeling. I hope you can get things back on track. You really deserve that, love. Fuck, if I could wind back the clock…”
“I’m glad you talked all that stuff out with a therapist. That’s what they’re there for. I’m not upset or offended you did. I’d be probably more worried if you didn’t because it would mean you didn’t give a fuck about us or how we ended. Therapy is there to help work through any of the stuff affecting shit in your head,” Liam said, smiling at him. It was such a nice night, it was hard not to just be at ease in this situation. He thought he was have a lot more anxiety about it but he had been so exhausted after his shift, he hadn’t really had time to let it get to him. “You didn’t fail, Damien. You just didn’t have the strength. I’m never going to hold that against you when there’s a hell of a lot in the world I don’t have the strength for either. You had like a fairy tale-like hope it’d all just work out eventually but your therapist is right, I’m majorly fucked in the head.”
He paused and shook his head. “No, Paxton was barely out. He knew he was gay, or at least not straight. We lost our virginity to each other. He only really fully came out when we started dating and he got the modelling contract. Then he elevated to almost male supermodel status really fucking quickly because of his red hair. He was just in high demand and, well, the fashion world is full of sex and image and experimentation. As much as I wish my issues could’ve just been cured because I was comfortable with Pax being my best friend, I still struggled with sex. I was having a slow relapse and I couldn’t even cope with being naked with him some days. Much the same sort of stuff. It was little things too, things that contribute to intimacy. Not being worried peeing in front of each other, taking showers together, getting dressed in front of each other, sleeping in underwear in the hot weather. I was struggling more and more, and like, Pax has done nude photoshoots. He’s super-sexual now he’s gotten in touch with that side of things. He hasn’t changed in personality, he’s just come into his sexual self. Which is awesome for him but I can’t give him what he needs and I think that’s what led to what happened. Fuck. Sorry, I didn’t mean to go on about this. It’s the last thing you want to hear about. How’s all going with Merlin? What do you think of him dating Brandon. That’s pretty epic.”
Damien nodded with a wry smile, settling in to enjoy the moment with the beach as a backdrop and the refreshing breeze intercepting the weight of the conversation. “I know. I was practically a fucking Disney Princess some days. I grew up seriously sheltered and close-minded, I had a skewed view of reality. I thought I could be a huge help to you as a rape survivor. I can see now we were never going to work long-term like that. And I’m sorry for that, that you copped the brunt of my naivety. You taught me a lot and I know I won’t make the same mistakes again. Uh… in future relationships… with other people…” He trailed off, clearing his throat. “Does Pax know this is not just a break for you? I mean, you sound like you’ve made a decision on all that. Even if you sound like you’re doing him a favour getting rid of you. Can I call you and your fucked up brain out on that a lil’ bit?”
“Merlin and Brandon?” He laughed, shaking his head in amusement. “It’s a fucking mindfuck, that’s what it is. I couldn’t believe it when I saw the guy standing there in Merlin’s sweater, granted he looked like hell at the time so it took me a few minutes to catch up. I didn’t even know Merlin wasn’t straight yet. Even when he confirmed they were dating, I had to wrangle his sexuality outta him because he was so distracted. But, shit, I’m so happy for him and I wish it wasn’t such an awful situation. Brandon’s such a great guy. He didn’t have to give me the time of day but he chatted fine with me while he was up to it. My baby brother is a billion times more fabulous than me at romance and dating. He nails a fucking superstar as his first relationship and lost his v-card to a guy folk would literally pay thousands of bucks to sleep with. Luckily, he wasn’t the first famous person I met, so I didn’t fuck up the etiquette or Merlin would’ve strung me up by my balls.”
Liam’s hair blew into his eyes with the breeze and he reached up to push it back. “No, I haven’t spoken to Pax yet. When I said we were on a break, I didn’t really just mean our relationship. It’s been an all-out break. I needed the time and space to think so we haven’t been in contact. He’s in the UK for six months. He was signed as the UK face of FABULOUS so there’s been a press circuit and all that. I’m still keeping up on his life on social media and all that. We just haven’t communicated. I’m not angry at him anymore. We’re both probably aware of the inevitable outcome. I don’t want to talk about that. I’m sorry Merlin’s had to go through all that but you came back at the best time. You can be there for him. It’s not going to be an easy road. I know his leukemia’s aggressive. On the upside, though, Merlin never really ‘came out’ with his sexuality. I think the most he did was go to Pride wearing a shirt with the pansexual flag colours. It drew some attention because he was photographed with Justin and people appreciate the pan representation from another pansexual person in the spotlight. You can probably find articles about it online. He was still with Cas at the time.”
Damien totally respected that Liam didn’t want to further discuss his situation with Paxton. It had to be so difficult for him to reason out. The downside of taking a special friendship into a romance, there was no guarantee the new dynamic would work. Plus, with all the extra factors like Paxton’s job and exploring his own identity and place in the world, they were important things. Damien knew that so fucking hard. He still wasn’t quite sure why Liam was being this open with him but he wasn’t taking it for granted, nor did he want to overthink it. He just wanted to enjoy the process of reconnecting… and closure, if that was the ultimate goal. “Yeah, I feel so helpless for him. Like, Jess is a nurse, he’s been able to give that hands-on help to Brandon. So has Ev and Christian. Then Merl got sick and he was going to be taking Brandon to his chemo appointments, so I could help out then. The awful shit totally wipes him out so he needed help to the bathroom and stuff. He got sick as hell on the drive home the first day, I was just sitting with him on the side of the road while he puked over and over. He couldn’t stop to get the thing in his mouth the helped stop it. I mean, he did eventually and he crashed once we were back in the car. I wouldn’t wish any of that on a fucking enemy, let alone the guy my baby brother’s fallen in love with. But it… well, it helped me think a hell of a lot. About life, how short it can be. No one’s immune. It put a lot of shit into perspective.”
“Don’t underestimate how much just being there for someone helps,” Liam murmured, meeting Damien’s eyes. “You do that and you’ll start overthinking the entire process. Merlin’s not going to care what things you’re doing to help, he’s just going to be over the moon you’re there at all. I know Brandon will be appreciating it too. He doesn’t have any family, remember? I know you don’t forget what it was like when you first came to New York and Tara and Lachlan helped you so much.”
“No, I really don’t. I was surprised how much I remembered when I had the time to stop and think. Think way too much, but still.” Damien gave Liam a smile. “This is so nice, you know. Fuck, I don’t remember the last time I just chilled. Good call on this thing. See? No one’s puking. Thanks for coming. I don’t know, I didn’t expect you to say yes.”
Liam shrugged and raised an eyebrow at Damien, smirking. “See? It never does any good trying to guess what other people are thinking either. Don’t worry. I have no plans of tying you to a chair and torturing a confession out of you that you ruined my life. I’m sure it’d make for a good B-grade movie plot but it’s not true. I don’t have any agenda here. Let’s just… see what happens.”
Damien smiled, trying not to think about how Liam and his sexy eyebrow thing used to drive him wild when they were dating. “Okay. Good call. I can do that.”
LOG, COMPLETE
What: Firguring it out together
Where: Seaside Heights, NJ
When: After this and this
Damien found a nice little guesthouse to book in Seaside Heights in NJ. Liam was going to get some sleep after his crazy 36-hour on-call shift and Damien was going to head over to his place later in the afternoon so they could drive to NJ in Liam’s car (that was new, Liam never had a car before) so they would arrive in time to find someone to grab dinner. It was obvious when Liam answered the door that he had just woken up and sheepishly admitted he slept through his alarm. He got changed and threw everything he needed into a sports bag, double-checking that he had his meds.
Damien offered to drive because Liam looked like he barely remembered how to spell his name, let alone navigate a car. It was cute. He remembered Liam’s sleepy look from the many times he came home from nightshifts during his internship when they were dating. But he didn’t verbalise that thought out loud, of course. Before they even exited Manhattan city limits, Liam was out for the count again, head propped up on his hand resting against the window from where he had been trying to keep his eyes open, with the softest breathy little snores. Damien had to stifle the urge to laugh or he’d wake him.
They pulled up at a congested junction with a red light and Damien gave Liam’s shoulder a little shake. “Li? Why don’t you put your seat back, love? You’re going to give yourself a sore neck.” He turned the music right down low and Liam just gave a nod, buzzing the seat back and curling onto his side facing Damien a bit and dozed off again straight away.
In a way, Damien was relieved Liam was sleeping because he had been worrying the conversation on the drive might be awkward. Even though Merlin had told him he and Brandon did a whole lot of talking on their road trip and the time together in the car really helped, they didn’t have the complicated past full of pain and regret Liam and Damien had, followed by falling into bed together as soon as they were alone for the first time. He made sure he took his flu pills before leaving so he had a clear head and the time driving would give him time to think. His conversation with Jesse had been exactly what he needed to get him at least on the right track on how to tackle this. No, all the answers wouldn’t be there just because he was stressing himself out. Jesse had been right… he and Liam had to figure this out together.
Liam slept the whole way and if he didn’t look so uncomfortable, Damien probably would’ve left him there until he was ready to wake up. He waited to wake him until he checked in and carried their bags into the fully-contained beachside apartment. It was two storeys, the downstairs containing the kitchenette, living area and bathroom, with the upstairs a loft bedroom with a balcony that overlooked the water. The room had a queen-sized bed and single bunks, obviously to accommodate a family. He wouldn’t mind taking the bunks so Liam could have the bed. It was the only place left with a decent room due to being spring and obviously a popular spring break destination. It wasn’t a hotel so they wouldn’t have room service or anything like that but they were so close to the boardwalk and shops, so finding somewhere to eat wouldn’t be a hassle. He woke Liam by taking his hand and ging it a little squeeze. “Time to wake up, Sleeping Beauty, we’re here.”
Liam was used to catching brief naps in the middle of his on-call shift if there were lulls, so he really wasn’t a heavy sleeper. He woke quickly, though he was disoriented for a moment or two until he remembered the trip to Jersey with Damien. He rubbed his eyes and stretched. “Fuck, I slept the whole way?” He tried to smooth his hair down and squinted while his eyes worked to adjust to the bright light. Climbing out of the car, he stretched again and saw how close they were to the ocean. The place was right on the boardwalk and he raised his eyebrows, impressed. “Good call.” Taking a deep breath of fresh air, enjoying the atmosphere, he stretched again, massaging his neck. Then he leaned in to get his messenger bag and sunglasses, discovering a box of flu pills in the console. “Hey, did you catch Merlin’s flu? Shit, you should’ve told me. We didn’t have to do this if you’re feeling shitty. It would wait. It’s a pretty nasty strain of flu he was hit with.”
Damien waved his hand, dismissing the concern. “It’s all good, love. The pills are doing their job. Jesse made sure I caught it before it morphed into the horrible demon that literally had Merl by the throat. I’m just a bit snotty and achy. Can’t keep a good bitch down and all that. You wanna see if we can find somewhere to eat? You gotta have a lot of recharging to do after your on-call shift. Seriously, I had no idea you had to do shit like that. I’d be keeling over halfway in. Jess told me what your residency is like. I remember when you’d applied for it and you were so sure you weren’t good enough to get it but then you beat out hundreds of other people and now you’re, like, operating on ultra-serious trauma patients. It’s so incredible. I’m proud of you… uh. If I’m even allowed to say that. Sorry. Nevermind the flu, I suddenly seen to have contracted an epic case of verbal diarrhea.”
Liam smirked and handed Damien the flu pills. “You always did get verbal diarrhea when you were nervous. Don’t worry, I’m not going to interrogate you about our break-ups or… anything, really. That’s not why I came. I’ve got to pee. Then we can go scope out dinner options.” He hitched his bag over his shoulder and headed into the apartment to find the bathroom. Mostly, he was still to figure out why he came but he thought it was something he could think about when they spent the time together. All he knew was that this had to happen. He and Damien needed to face this and getting away from the grind to do it was a good idea. He definitely needed a break after the week at work he had.
Damien grabbed a handful of his hair and had to force himself to look over at the water so he didn’t perve on Liam’s ass. Some cruel power-that-be had Liam throwing on skinny jeans and this super sexy semi-sheer black and blue button-up that fit him perfectly and brought out the intensity of his blue eyes with an edgy cropped suede jacket over the top. Liam had always been a fashionable guy but for Damien that evening, it felt like he just stepped off a catwalk while Damien was there in his average dude jeans and much-loved Rolling Stones t-shirt. Now he was just wondering why Liam had come if it wasn’t to interrogate him. He wished he could turn the nerves off but that was easier said than done.
Liam double-checked he had his wallet and phone, then went back out on the deck to meet Damien. “I just noticed from the window they have that awesome Skyride thing.” He pointed to where the chairs were leisurely circling above the boardwalk with people enjoying the views of the water. “I’m game if you are. I haven’t done anything random or fun in ages. Unless you want to eat straight away. But you puke on ferris wheels, so maybe not. Definitely not after we eat,” he laughed.
“Hey, that was one time and it turned out to be gastro that I caught off wee Riley and Bonnie because kids? Are total germ magnets. I lost count of how many laps I did of the London Eye while I was in the UK but… just in case, yeah, let’s go before we eat,” Damien agreed, laughing too. Why did this feel so easy? He remembered their easy in the past and it felt so much like that but he was too scared to think this was ultimately going to mean anything. They started to head along the boardwalk to track down where they boarded the thing. There was a companionable silence between them but Damien started to feel awkward by it. In the end, he decided to just bite the bullet. “Um, why did you come here? You said it wasn’t to interrogate me, which is what I was kinda psyching myself up for. You gotta right to ask me about anything that went down.”
Liam tucked his hands in his pockets and enjoyed the casual pace they had, not rushing. “The simple answer to that is, I don’t really know. I just was going to wing it somehow. I don’t really have a precedent to call on for this and it’s pretty confusing. The more complicated answer would be that I thought a change of scenery to do this would be better. Away from the apartment where I’ve lived with Pax… away from New York, really. I do want to be honest with you though, so going into this, you should know that I’ve been going through a relapse recently. About three months ago, I had a patient try to…” He bit his lip, making a rolling motion with his hand as he scrambled for the right words. “It was just one incident. It wasn’t anything serious and my supervisors stepped in as soon as I reported it but it triggered everything. It’s part of the reason why I didn’t deal well when Pax told me he cheated on me. You… well, you felt safe to me. If that makes sense…”
Damien wanted to give Liam a hug but considering what Liam was revealing to him, this wasn’t a time to spring physical contact on him. When Liam was doing well, he loved all that stuff. When he wasn’t… well, Damien ended up with a black eye because of it once. He just made a conscious choice to step a bit closer to Liam without touching him and he nodded. “It makes sense. I know you well enough for it all to make crystal clear sense and you don’t have to connect all the little dots because I get it’s probably hard to talk about and that you didn’t have to tell me any of this. Are you okay to be doing this? It sounds like you’ve had a rough few months and I don’t want to make it harder for you. Was it your depression that relapsed, or are you saying there was another suicide attempt?”
“It’s cool. I wouldn’t have come if I wasn’t okay to be doing this. I’m okay now. Just working to get back on top of everything. Because it happened at work, Dave was great and did everything he could to make sure I was okay. Depression and anxiety. Mostly anxiety. Hard to switch my brain off, always trying to think ten steps ahead. That’s why Walker prescribed me cannabis. It grounds me after the crazier shifts and helps me turn off on my days off so I’m not stuck in the mess of my brain. Remembering to be in the moment...” That was a big thing his therapy centred around. PTSD could rob you of the ability to remain in the moment and cherish it. Your mind was like a broken record, stuck with the past churning over and over. Liam could factor a lot of his depression around this and he was still learning to try to value each moment as it came, noticing the things that mattered. It was a work-in-progress and probably always would be. “So, when you told me you were diagnosed with dysthymia, I really got it. It might not be the same as my mental issues but all these things have the same common denominator - fucked up emotions. I think that’s why I’m here. There was more to our breakups than either of could see at the time, so I think it’s time to let us both off the hook.”
“Off the hook…?” Damien asked hesitantly as they got to the entry for the Skyride and joined the line. So, it really was closure Liam was looking for. Damien tried not to let himself fall into a pit of misery with his disappointment over that. But had he really been hoping something more could happen for a third time? There was a tiny glimmer of hope he had kept alight inside since they slept together and it grew after his conversation with Jesse. He knew it was impossible to ever know what Liam was thinking, though. Liam’s mental illness was complicated and complex, so he would have reasoned any of his decisions out extensively before making them. “I really thought you’d think if I told you about it, it was to make excuses for what happened. I still own what happened but I needed you to know it wasn’t because of you. You were--” Still the only person I ever loved, he finished in his head but decided not to stay that bit out loud.
Liam nodded with a little shrug. “Yeah. Off the hook of guilt and regret. Self-blame. None of it’s healthy to hold onto when you’ve got depression. And, well, I’m a doctor. I know what dysthymia is. Your episodes are long-term, or chronic for the technical term. That would’ve been exhausting, especially before a diagnosis when you didn’t know anything was wrong. I didn’t see it as you making excuses. If anything, it made a lot finally make sense. You have to remember that you’ve been living it but I can look back and see the signs now I know. And I just… don’t blame you for it. If I did, I’d be a hypocrite.”
It was such a big call for Liam to make that Damien’s forehead creased in concentration as he tried to contemplate how that might feel. “I, uh… I’m not sure I know how to do that. I’ve always just thought I deserved to feel the guilt throwing away the best thing that ever happened to me. When they first told me what they thought it was, I did feel like it was just an excuse. It was only really when I started therapy and understood what certain things meant that I could see it. Then there was a lot of guilt because I felt like I hadn’t take good enough care of you with your illness. Can we really just set all that aside? You don’t have to be so understanding about it all.”
“I’ve already set it aside,” Liam murmured with a small smile as they were called up to the front of the line to get onto the Skyride. As the ride started, they were in silence and Liam closed his eyes, enjoying to seabreeze on his face and the sound of the hustle-bustle of the boardwalk mingling with the ocean lapping on the shore. “You don’t deserve any of that guilt, Damien. Do you want to talk to me about it? The dysthymia, what you went through with it? It might help to get it off your chest. I think that’s why coming away was a good idea because we need to talk. A lot. Most of what you’re feeling here is because of stuff going on in your head.”
This ride thing felt weird and Damien was gripping onto the safety bar at first until he realised it was safe. He watched Liam, taking in how beautiful he looked when he was relaxed. He was beautiful all the time but there was a serenity to him when he didn’t seem like he had the weight of the world on his shoulders. “Um… a lot of the time I felt like I had the flu. I was exhausted all the time and just felt like sleeping. Some days, I didn’t even get outta bed. I’d get up and do my gigs, then go back home to bed until the next gig the following night. I barely ate and when I did, it was shit takeout. And I was real homesick, so that made it worse. It felt like everyone was back in the US with all their shit together living perfect lives and there was no room there for me anymore. That’s why I disabled all my social media. I was scared of seeing everyone’s life and knowing mine was shit. I know a lot of that was my mind playing tricks on me but it’s bloody real when it’s happening. I couldn’t concentrate on anything and didn’t wanna be around anyone. Then I started drinking a hell of a lot and when I was trashed, I’d get angry at the smallest things. The hangovers were horrific but it was like worthy punishment or something. It was just lonely. I felt really alone. That’s the part that started to make sense for me. How even though our relationship was okay when it was, you still felt alone when you were ill and it was wrong of me to keep thinking I could save you. I’m actually realising as I spell all this out that these are the sorts of things you would feel when you had your depressive episodes. It’s not like I didn’t know but having you here beside me while I say it out loud, it feels like a reality check. That you would have such bad days, you would be physically sick.”
Liam nodded and zipped up his jacket with the air a little cooler up on the ride. “To be fair, though, it was the PTSD triggers that made me sick, not really the depression. The bad depression days, it was often a slippery slope in my head to the triggers. I know it took a long time for you to understand you weren’t the cause of me withdrawing. At the time, that was frustrating because I didn’t know how else to explain what I was experiencing. You were the first relationship I had after the rape and it was a lot of me re-learning normal intimacy. Normal touch, even. I was always conscious that was a pressure on everything. I wished I could take it away and change what I’d become, but I couldn’t. Still haven’t cracked it. Probably never will.”
He slipped his hands back into his pockets and settled back on the seat. “You thought we were all back here living it up when really, shit was hitting the fan possibly even more than usual. I know you won’t believe me when I say that, considering you’re aware Pax and I got engaged but… I don’t know. I see Miles and Rhys, right? They did the whole transferring friendship into a highly successful marriage like absolute freaking bosses. Kyan and Reecy have just done the same thing, they have a baby on the way and all. But Pax and me, I think… well, the intimacy was difficult. I think he has a lot of exploring his sexuality to do and I’m just not the right person for that for anyone, not just Pax. You know, I never expected to see you again. I didn’t think you’d come back from the UK. I looked you up when I was last over for a family thing and all your shows were listed as sell-outs.”
“Yeah, I actually talked a whole lot about it all to my therapist back in Scotland and she spent a lot of time helping me understand PTSD on a deeper level. How the brain responds to trauma the way it does and how sexual assault trauma could almost be its own type of PTSD within itself because what it does to a victim’s psychological state. I told her how you’d actually nearly been killed, which just took it to a whole other level in itself. Not that I ever thought I’d have much of a chance of anything with you. It was just important I understood how much I really couldn’t have rescued you. It wasn’t that I felt I failed in rescuing you. It wasn’t that because I believed you when you told me that. But I felt like I failed you all over. Romantically, in love, in protecting you, caring for you, being there for you. I deluded myself epically in thinking that just because we were engaged, we’d be together forever from there-on in,” Damien murmured, clearing his throat and looking over at the water. It was an emotional subject for him to discuss because it still hurt. He was pretty sure it would always hurt, even in twenty years down the track and they were both had families of their own.
He looked back with a small frown when Liam said that. “Really? You looked me up? You could’ve come. I would’ve gotten you in. No. Wait. That sounds dumb. You would’ve been with Pax then, it would’ve been weird for you. Forget I said that, it was reflexive. You were probably back and forth over there a lot while I was over there, your family are there. Exploring his sexuality? Wasn’t he already out when you guys decided to take thing to the next level? You know what, though? No matter how it’s turned out, I could see the amazing friendship you had with him when I went to see you in London when we got back together after our first breakup. He was so in-tuned to you and what you were feeling. I hope you can get things back on track. You really deserve that, love. Fuck, if I could wind back the clock…”
“I’m glad you talked all that stuff out with a therapist. That’s what they’re there for. I’m not upset or offended you did. I’d be probably more worried if you didn’t because it would mean you didn’t give a fuck about us or how we ended. Therapy is there to help work through any of the stuff affecting shit in your head,” Liam said, smiling at him. It was such a nice night, it was hard not to just be at ease in this situation. He thought he was have a lot more anxiety about it but he had been so exhausted after his shift, he hadn’t really had time to let it get to him. “You didn’t fail, Damien. You just didn’t have the strength. I’m never going to hold that against you when there’s a hell of a lot in the world I don’t have the strength for either. You had like a fairy tale-like hope it’d all just work out eventually but your therapist is right, I’m majorly fucked in the head.”
He paused and shook his head. “No, Paxton was barely out. He knew he was gay, or at least not straight. We lost our virginity to each other. He only really fully came out when we started dating and he got the modelling contract. Then he elevated to almost male supermodel status really fucking quickly because of his red hair. He was just in high demand and, well, the fashion world is full of sex and image and experimentation. As much as I wish my issues could’ve just been cured because I was comfortable with Pax being my best friend, I still struggled with sex. I was having a slow relapse and I couldn’t even cope with being naked with him some days. Much the same sort of stuff. It was little things too, things that contribute to intimacy. Not being worried peeing in front of each other, taking showers together, getting dressed in front of each other, sleeping in underwear in the hot weather. I was struggling more and more, and like, Pax has done nude photoshoots. He’s super-sexual now he’s gotten in touch with that side of things. He hasn’t changed in personality, he’s just come into his sexual self. Which is awesome for him but I can’t give him what he needs and I think that’s what led to what happened. Fuck. Sorry, I didn’t mean to go on about this. It’s the last thing you want to hear about. How’s all going with Merlin? What do you think of him dating Brandon. That’s pretty epic.”
Damien nodded with a wry smile, settling in to enjoy the moment with the beach as a backdrop and the refreshing breeze intercepting the weight of the conversation. “I know. I was practically a fucking Disney Princess some days. I grew up seriously sheltered and close-minded, I had a skewed view of reality. I thought I could be a huge help to you as a rape survivor. I can see now we were never going to work long-term like that. And I’m sorry for that, that you copped the brunt of my naivety. You taught me a lot and I know I won’t make the same mistakes again. Uh… in future relationships… with other people…” He trailed off, clearing his throat. “Does Pax know this is not just a break for you? I mean, you sound like you’ve made a decision on all that. Even if you sound like you’re doing him a favour getting rid of you. Can I call you and your fucked up brain out on that a lil’ bit?”
“Merlin and Brandon?” He laughed, shaking his head in amusement. “It’s a fucking mindfuck, that’s what it is. I couldn’t believe it when I saw the guy standing there in Merlin’s sweater, granted he looked like hell at the time so it took me a few minutes to catch up. I didn’t even know Merlin wasn’t straight yet. Even when he confirmed they were dating, I had to wrangle his sexuality outta him because he was so distracted. But, shit, I’m so happy for him and I wish it wasn’t such an awful situation. Brandon’s such a great guy. He didn’t have to give me the time of day but he chatted fine with me while he was up to it. My baby brother is a billion times more fabulous than me at romance and dating. He nails a fucking superstar as his first relationship and lost his v-card to a guy folk would literally pay thousands of bucks to sleep with. Luckily, he wasn’t the first famous person I met, so I didn’t fuck up the etiquette or Merlin would’ve strung me up by my balls.”
Liam’s hair blew into his eyes with the breeze and he reached up to push it back. “No, I haven’t spoken to Pax yet. When I said we were on a break, I didn’t really just mean our relationship. It’s been an all-out break. I needed the time and space to think so we haven’t been in contact. He’s in the UK for six months. He was signed as the UK face of FABULOUS so there’s been a press circuit and all that. I’m still keeping up on his life on social media and all that. We just haven’t communicated. I’m not angry at him anymore. We’re both probably aware of the inevitable outcome. I don’t want to talk about that. I’m sorry Merlin’s had to go through all that but you came back at the best time. You can be there for him. It’s not going to be an easy road. I know his leukemia’s aggressive. On the upside, though, Merlin never really ‘came out’ with his sexuality. I think the most he did was go to Pride wearing a shirt with the pansexual flag colours. It drew some attention because he was photographed with Justin and people appreciate the pan representation from another pansexual person in the spotlight. You can probably find articles about it online. He was still with Cas at the time.”
Damien totally respected that Liam didn’t want to further discuss his situation with Paxton. It had to be so difficult for him to reason out. The downside of taking a special friendship into a romance, there was no guarantee the new dynamic would work. Plus, with all the extra factors like Paxton’s job and exploring his own identity and place in the world, they were important things. Damien knew that so fucking hard. He still wasn’t quite sure why Liam was being this open with him but he wasn’t taking it for granted, nor did he want to overthink it. He just wanted to enjoy the process of reconnecting… and closure, if that was the ultimate goal. “Yeah, I feel so helpless for him. Like, Jess is a nurse, he’s been able to give that hands-on help to Brandon. So has Ev and Christian. Then Merl got sick and he was going to be taking Brandon to his chemo appointments, so I could help out then. The awful shit totally wipes him out so he needed help to the bathroom and stuff. He got sick as hell on the drive home the first day, I was just sitting with him on the side of the road while he puked over and over. He couldn’t stop to get the thing in his mouth the helped stop it. I mean, he did eventually and he crashed once we were back in the car. I wouldn’t wish any of that on a fucking enemy, let alone the guy my baby brother’s fallen in love with. But it… well, it helped me think a hell of a lot. About life, how short it can be. No one’s immune. It put a lot of shit into perspective.”
“Don’t underestimate how much just being there for someone helps,” Liam murmured, meeting Damien’s eyes. “You do that and you’ll start overthinking the entire process. Merlin’s not going to care what things you’re doing to help, he’s just going to be over the moon you’re there at all. I know Brandon will be appreciating it too. He doesn’t have any family, remember? I know you don’t forget what it was like when you first came to New York and Tara and Lachlan helped you so much.”
“No, I really don’t. I was surprised how much I remembered when I had the time to stop and think. Think way too much, but still.” Damien gave Liam a smile. “This is so nice, you know. Fuck, I don’t remember the last time I just chilled. Good call on this thing. See? No one’s puking. Thanks for coming. I don’t know, I didn’t expect you to say yes.”
Liam shrugged and raised an eyebrow at Damien, smirking. “See? It never does any good trying to guess what other people are thinking either. Don’t worry. I have no plans of tying you to a chair and torturing a confession out of you that you ruined my life. I’m sure it’d make for a good B-grade movie plot but it’s not true. I don’t have any agenda here. Let’s just… see what happens.”
Damien smiled, trying not to think about how Liam and his sexy eyebrow thing used to drive him wild when they were dating. “Okay. Good call. I can do that.”
LOG, COMPLETE