Wesley Jeremiah Knight (DJ Wes-K) (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
irockthemic) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
dreamlikenewyork2019-02-25 12:20 am
irockthemic) wrote in dreamlikenewyork2019-02-25 12:20 am
"I want to borrow your boyfriend."
Who: Wesley Knight and Brandon Blake (and a little of Merlin Larson)
What: BFF & Boyfriendsitter
Where: Larson Home, South Carolina
When: After this
“Wes, I’m fucking serious. If he does any worse than throw up a bit or get a nosebleed that doesn’t ease, you gotta call me.” Merlin was trying to wrestle a comb through his hair standing at the mirror in the hall outside the living room door. Wes was leaning against the doorframe with his arms crossed, smirking at his best friend. Merlin’s curls had been doing their own thing all day but now when he had to try to look presentable for more than chilling around the house resting, he couldn’t get them to obey. “Mom, this is stupid. It ain’t a good time for me to leave him. I ain’t seen half these folk in ages anyway.”
Molly issued a long-suffering sigh, coming up to her son straighten his collar and smooth it down under his coat. He was disheveled because he had been rushing to get ready to attend the family dinner at his aunt and uncle’s place half an hour drive away but she also suspected it had something to do with the fact he had been alone in his room with Brandon all afternoon while Wes made himself scarce and went for a run. “These folks are your family, sweetheart. They haven’t seen you in a really long time. It’s Pop’s birthday and he’s excited about seeing you but he understands it can’t be a long night.”
“Are you sure you don’t want to wear a tie, son? It’s a fancy restaurant we’re going to,” Tom said, coming down the stairs with a couple of his own ties in hand.
Wesley could see that the last place in the world Merlin wanted to be going was some family gathering when things were still tense with his folks and Brandon was in his care. He was just being overprotective. “Dude, chill. I’m not going to let your other half puke or bleed himself to death. I’ve got the notes you wrote down and I ain’t just got your number at the ready, but both your folks and your aunt and uncle. He ain’t gonna want me babysitting him.”
“Dad, I don’t need a tie, this outfit’s designer. It speaks for itself, it’s fancy enough. I wear enough ties for work. Pop’s not going to care if I wear a tie. Hopefully he doesn’t care as much when he find out I’m dating a man.” Merlin scrunched his nose up when the comb tangled up in a knot. Brandon was down the hall in the bathroom and he wasn’t going to leave with his parents until he could say goodbye to him. “I can’t chill. I literally watched him nearly vomit himself to death in recent weeks and need to be rushed to hospital for it. Just humour me. Keep an eye on him and don’t interrogate him with a billion questions. His nausea and vomiting is usually worse in the evenings. He knows he can ask you for help if he needs it.”
Brandon came around the corner from the bathroom. “Yeah, I do know, love. Don’t stress. I’ll be fine.” He took Merlin’s hand and gave it a squeeze. “I just need to sit down.”
Merlin’s focus shifted away from being frustrated that he had to go out tonight to Brandon, wrapping his arm around him to lead him into the living room. “Here, lie down on the sofa, darlin’. I’ve brought a quilt down for you and there’s a container here if you feel sick.” He helped Brandon lie on the sofa where he already set up a couple of fluffy pillows and a warm quilt so he could lie and watch TV with Wes. It seemed like the safest option when Brandon said he was tired and achy from making love earlier that afternoon, something both of them really needed, all things considered. He covered him with the quilt and tucked it around him, leaning over him with a smile. “There’s tissues here too and a bottle of water. Wes will make you tea if you’re up to it. I’ll only be a few hours, okay? Call me if you need anything, we’ll come right back. I love you.” He gave him a lingering kiss, still reluctant to leave, tucking the TV remote in Brandon’s hand.
“I love you. Have a nice time with your family, babe. Try not to worry.” Brandon knew that was easier said than done. Merlin left with his parents, throwing some last minute reminders to Wesley as they went out the front door.
Both Wesley and Merlin’s parents watched Merlin and Brandon’s sweet goodbye. It was in that moment Wes realised that, shit, his BFF really was in love with a guy who was a massive celebrity, and they clearly had something really special together. Merlin’s anxiety about leaving Brandon was evidence of that. This was the first PDA Wes witnessed between his best friend and his lover. Since arriving at the Larsons, either Brandon or Merlin had been asleep, or they were getting busy during the afternoon. Merlin pleaded with Wes earlier to make himself scarce for a little while so he and Brandon had some privacy in the bedroom. Wes, of course, reserved the right to tease him about getting laid, etc. But being the awesome BFF that he was, Wes went for a run and hit the gym so Merlin had all the time he needed with Brandon. It sounded like they hadn’t had the chance for a lot of that being on the road and juggling Brandon’s chemo side effects.
But Wes couldn’t deny he was somewhat fascinated seeing Merlin kiss Brandon Blake. It was confirmation of the whole WTF reveal that Merlin was pansexual and that meant he might fall in love with someone of the same gender. It gave Wes the confidence he needed to come out as gay himself, even if it was only to Merlin so far. He was finding his feet but he loved Merlin to the moon and back for being so accepting and understanding. A few years ago, neither of them could ever have imagined this was where they would end up. It had all been about trying to adhere to the religious convention. Wife, kids, picket fence, a dog. When Merlin came out as pansexual, Wes stopped deluding himself he was straight too and went out to hook up and the theory. The theory turned out to be plain hard fact - he was gay.
He headed into the living room and flopped onto the recliner next to the sofa and kicked the footrest out. “So, I came out to my bestie last night and I wanted to thank you for kinda contributing to helping me with that, being cool with coming here and letting e come back to New York with y’all. And seriously if you do need anything, just say the word. I wanna help. I know you’re probably feeling shitty and sick but not wanting to stress him so much. I ain’t squeamish about puke or anything either. But anyway, I’m Wes.” He reached over, offering Brandon his hand with his introduction.
Brandon accepted the handshake with a smile. “Great to finally meet you, Wes. We talked about you a lot on our trip from Idaho. Congrats on the coming out. I know that no matter how much you love Merlin and see he’s out and accepting himself, it still had to be a friggin scary leap to take. He said your family are extremely religious.” He gave Wes the remote. “You can pick what we watch. I’m easy. Yeah, I feel nauseous as all hell but I’m used to it now. I apologise in advance for any gross things you have to witness.”
Wes took the remote but he didn’t make any moves to change the channel. “I’m um… seriously trying my hardest not to lose my shit here but dude, I’m such a huge fan of your show. I’ve watched it from day one and I think you’re awesome in it. Saxon’s a brilliant character and what you do with him is excellent. It’s kind of a mindfuck sitting here with you. I promised Merl I wouldn’t fangirl you, but I just had to get that out. Did you want a cuppa? I can chuck the kettle on and whip something up for you. Mom also said there’s broth there for you… uh, sorry. Molly. Mrs Larson. I’ve been calling her Mom since I was a kid. She’s always been a second mom to me.”
Brandon smirked with a laugh and waved his hand. “Don’t worry about it. I’m used to it. I get it, it’s a fantastic show. I’m proud to be part of it. If people like you didn’t appreciate what we do, we wouldn’t exist. It’s just that everything in my life right now is overwhelming and overwhelming is hard to deal with when you’re feeling sick. He’s just protective. He’s given so much of himself to take care of me since we met and I feel bad for what I’ve put him through but it’s helped us get close.” He held up his water. “I think I should stick to this for now. Anything else would be pushing my luck. I think you’re really courageous coming out to Merlin. It doesn’t matter if you’re scared to tell everyone else, he’ll have your back.”
“Do you think maybe I could get a quick selfie sometime? Not when you’re feeling shit. I totally get it, you’re probably feeling least like a glamorous celebrity right now than you ever have. It’s just, you’re totally the first celebrity I’ve ever met and it’s so epic cool, I’m freaking dying that Merly’s dating you. He got out and has been flying high with this cool career, doing cool things, meeting cool people. It’s been feeling like he’s outta my league for awhile now. There ain’t anybody else in the whole world I’d wanna come out to first, though. He’s… well, I really don’t think I gotta tell you how awesome he is. I can see it all over your face, you’re head-over.” Wesley paused for a few moments, Merlin’s words clear in his head to just let Brandon take the lead in case he wasn’t up to much conversation or didn’t want to talk about certain things. “Wanna put some music on? We could watch TV but I figure maybe we should get to know each other a little if we’ve gotta spend a fuckton of time in a care together. Only if you wanna, though. It ain’t an obligation. You’re feeling crap. Is there anything I can get you to help?”
Brandon looked down at himself, scrutinizing what he was dressed in. This whole trip, he and Merlin had been sharing clothes so he had to make sure he wasn’t in anything Footloose related if Wesley intended on posting to his social media. “If you stick to this lighting and pile it with filters so I don’t look like I should be deserting Wicked Symphony to join The Walking Dead, go for it. Just don’t give a location. Pap stalk tags to track our whereabouts. Here’s the thing, though. I’ll bet you a week of my salary that by the time we get to New York, my celebrity shine will have worn off for you. Stripping back the layers, I’m just a normal dude. Living a, well yeah, a mindfuck of a life.” He pulled himself up against the pile of pillows to find a better position. “Yeah, go for it. You probably have better playlists than I do being a DJ. You’ll have to tell me how you got into that. I guess you had a hard time when Merlin left for New York, huh? I’m told by very reliable sources that he’s incredible at what he does. I can’t wait to see him perform. How did you realise you were gay, buddy? We can swap queer stories.”
Wesley’s eyebrows shot up in surprise. “Wow, seriously? And you don’t mind me putting it on Insta? Holy fuck.” He was already digging his phone out of his pocket and moving over to the sofa to sit beside Brandon so he could snap a selfie. Mostly, it was just a big moment for him to be meeting an idol from a show he loved. A lot of that had to do with the fact Brandon’s character on Wicked Symphony, Saxon, was a glam-rock rockstar slash private investigator who dressed like a fucking boss in wet-look leather pants, skin-tight glittery mess tanks, guyliner, glittery makeup, nail polish. He was seriously one of the best fictional characters to ever exist. Wes had been trying to acclimatise himself with the fact that it probably wasn’t good form that his BFF’s new boyfriend had been in his spank bank for some time now. He put his arm around Brandon’s shoulder and he snapped just one selfie, then checked it on the screen. Even as sick as he was, Brandon still looked hot. Wesley’s sisters were going to shit themselves when they saw this and by the time they did, he’d be well on his way to New York forever.
He scrolled through his many playlists, trying to find something that was smooth to put on as background noise. “Merlin is massively talented, he just doesn’t think he is because he’s never quite had the urge to be in the direct spotlight. He has the performance mojo but no urge for fame. The drama teacher at school always tried to push him like fuck, thinking anyone who had the ambition to be in musical theatre should be wanting to be famous or some shit. It made him uncomfortable. Merl’s not shy but he’s bashful and unassuming. He was picked on for being a nerd because he wore glasses and liked gay things like singing and dancing. Our school was… painfully conservative and religious. Now the assholes are probably all jealous with who he’s working with. They’d be even more jealous of who he’s dating, whilst battling with homophobia. Is that part of the reason why you can’t come out? For me, I just wasn’t into girls. I joked that it’s because I’ve got five older sisters and I’m all girled-out but I just never felt any sort of attraction to girls. When I set out to experiment with a dude, it was… fuck, intense. A bit like what you and Merl got up to this afternoon,” he had to add, shooting Brandon a cheeky grin.
Brandon held a hand up to intercept the conversation, pressing the back of his other hand to his mouth. He grabbed the container that was neatly lined with a plastic bag and hung onto it in front of him like a life-preserver. He was glad Wesley got the selfie before this wave of nausea set in because he knew he looked terrible during his bouts of sickness. He took his chemo pills around lunchtime and by late afternoon into the evening, the side effects started to set in. Some days, he could sleep through it. Others, he couldn’t sleep for the life of him. He thought he could crash after sex earlier but he couldn’t switch off after it. That was when Merlin recruited Wes to take care of him while he went to his grandpa’s birthday dinner. Something he couldn’t, for obvious reasons, take Brandon to as his date. Thankfully, he wasn’t sick with this particular wave but he still kept hugging the container just in case it hit quickly again. “Shit, Wes, I’m so sorry. It’s really nice what you’re doing to help me here.”
He closed his eyes and put his down on the armrest of the sofa to rest through the sick feeling. There was a whole lot of ‘riding it out’, as Merlin put it. It was the gentle and sweet mantra he would murmur to Brandon while he was getting through being sick or feeling dizzy. A few simple words, but it really helped comfort him. He had no idea how he thought he’d make it through all of this alone. It was like Merlin was brought into his life at the right moment, even if there was nothing glamorous about it. “I’m only just learning Merlin had bullying issues in school. We started dating in circumstances that really weren’t ideal, so we’re learning as we go and that’s not always easy. There’s a lot to learn and my life has all these external amplifying bullshit going on. Our lives are polar opposites and we’re figuring out how to merge that. My closeting is homophobia in a sense but more passive-aggressive, I suppose. It’s about marketing straight to emphasise the branding of my character and the branding of my public image. It’s directly attached to branding of the show, which has a massive fanbase who are used to certain… formulas with it. They’ve aimed to have Saxon kind of aligned as beyond sexuality, if that makes sense. That he has potential to ooze sexual chemistry with anyone and everyone. Like that kind of magical charisma he has that he utilises to solve his cases. They think if I come out as gay, it’s going to directly impact on Saxon’s branding. That I’ll isolate the female audience demographic, which is the majority demographic. It’s difficult and complicated. But it’s not direct homophobia like Merlin says happens here, with your family, in religious circles. I’m really sorry you’ve had to experience that, especially from your own family. If you wanna talk about the whole being gay thing, I’m cool with that. So long as I’m not chucking up everything I ate in the last week. Which is exactly why Merlin and I had to take advantage of that window of opportunity this afternoon. Carpe diem,” he added, smirking.
Wesley had settled on the sofa beside Brandon, at first to be at the ready if he started throwing up and needed up but then to just listen to him talk. Just like Merlin indicated, Brandon was a pretty easy going guy and was being open with him. He obviously knew he could trust him because Merlin’s best friend. All this stuff, Wes knew it had to be classified info because of who Brandon was and what his public image was sold as. Merlin told him that very few people even knew Brandon had cancer, let alone that he was gay. There was a girl who was going to pretend to be his public girlfriend, who was Jesse’s sister. That was a pretty cool thing for her to do but it couldn’t be easy for Brandon or Merlin. “I guess if you had the choice, you’d come out, though? Would you want to be out with Merlin?” He sighed and rubbed the back of his neck with a shake of his head. “I dunno, dude. I’m feeling right now like I’ll never actually tell my family I’m gay. Or anyone here. I’m in the same boat as Jess. I just wanna get out so I can be myself. I feel like I’m drowning and suffocating but my folks are super religious. Catholic. My dad’s a pastor with our church, they’ve been missionaries. All that BS They think homosexuality is an illness that can be cured or exorcised from someone. It just ain’t gonna end well if I tell them. So, if I just get away, they keep their peace that they didn’t spit out a tained fag son and I get to be far away and be myself. How long have you known or did you always know? I wasn’t one of those folk. I didn’t always know, I’ve only realised maybe the last year or so. It just gotten worse recently ‘cause my folks are trying to marry me off to this awful bitchy chick I hate because she’s from an upstanding Catholic family with our church.”
“I wanted to come out. That’s what triggered the beard arrangement. I tried to take the first steps and they pretty much just cockblocked it entirely. They said they were aware they couldn’t dictate what I did in my private time but they could pretty much destroy my career if I did anything to jeopardise the image of the show. I agreed to a bearding contract because it would pull focus away from my real private life. They didn’t force it on me. I agreed because I’d just found out I was sick. At least this way, I can somewhat control what piece of me they get. Not left up to gossip and rumour like it’s always been before. You live a life like mine, you kind of do whatever the fuck you can to maintain some control. I’d love nothing more than to be out with Merlin, though. I feel guilty as fuck I have to hide him.” Brandon had touched on this with Merlin, who reassured him it was unnecessary worry because he didn’t mind. But the closer they got, the more Brandon was finding him dwelling on it. He just knew there was nothing he could do about it right now. “You know that’s okay, right? You’re not obligated to come out to anyone if you don’t feel comfortable or safe. You’ll be both with Merlin… and with me, by default. Plus, it sounds like Merlin has some incredible friends who’ll welcome you and accept you. A lot of them identify on the spectrum too. I’m looking forward to meeting them. Family doesn’t automatically mean people aren’t toxic to us. I’m sorry you’ve been going through that, trying to be forced into a relationship. I suspected from when I was around fifteen or sixteen. Before that, life was… weird. I didn’t want to draw focus to myself so I wasn’t interested in dating. I was a bit of an emo kid. Have you dated guys?”
Wesley sitting here listening to Brandon talk while he sat there in sweatpants hugging a sick bucket, he seemed so very human and real. He could see now how easily Merlin saw beyond the mask, the smoke and mirrors, shrouding Brandon’s life as a very famous celebrity. It didn’t sound near as awesome to live it as it all looked from the outside looking in. And he knew there were many celebrities who battled cancer away from the spotlight and their fans never knew until they died or went into remission and spoke publicly about it. Being this sick, who could blame them for wanting privacy? “That ain’t gonna bother him, dude. Trust me, I’ve known him literally from birth, I know him. He ain’t gonna have a single problem with getting the real you in private rather than the showbiz you in the spotlight. And on the off chance he would, he would’ve told you. He’s a heart on his sleeve guy. It would’ve been a freaking huge deal for him to wanna date you ‘cause he doesn’t see his own worth. He’s probably still wondering how the hell he nabbed you,” he said with a knowing smirk but his words were murmured, his own situation weighing heavily on him. “I don’t feel comfortable or safe here. I don’t feel happy. I feel lost and scared and like I can’t fucking breathe. I know I’m crashing all your road trip plans but once Merl gave me that lifeline, I couldn’t stop thinking about it. I ain’t dated any guys but I’ve slept with one. Anal’s… a different ball game, pardon the pun.”
Brandon nodded with a small smile. “So, do I get to grill you for some hilarious or embarrassing stories about my boyfriend growing up or does whatever happened in BFF land, stay in BFF land? His worth is… fucking priceless. I’ve only known him such a short time but he’s one of the most amazing people I’ve ever met and I’ve met a fuckton of people in my time.” He kept the container in his lap but turned to the bottle of water Merlin left him. It was chilled so he put it to his forehead first, inviting the cool when he started to feel a little feverish and then screwed the cap off so he could sip on it. He had to laugh at that last comment. “Not impressed with anal or just needing to get used to it more? You’re not crashing anything, okay? We had no real plans. We’re playing it by ear. You need help, he’d give it to you regardless. Situations like this, they can be life or death.”
“Oh, man. So many stories. Merl’s always been this bright and happy dude. He was friendly to everyone, would talk to anyone. But he was bullied, just for being himself and not conforming. People are assholes, you know? This place doesn’t have much tolerance for people who are different. All that probably felt amplified once he found out he was adopted. I feel so bad for him because Jess was always this sweet and friendly guy. If he was my brother, I would’ve wanted to know about it. But his family never treated him differently. He was their kid, there’s no disputing that. I pretty much lived here my whole childhood because I didn’t like being home. It was so fucking hard when Merl left. I was over the moon for him but saying goodbye to him hurt like hell. He deserved all the amazing things that came his way. It looks like you’re burning up, dude. Should I be worrying?” Wesley watched Brandon, concerned with how unwell he was but he knew it was a given. It was just a fucking shame. He sat back and stretched his legs out, tugging his lips to the side. “It was uncomfortable and I didn’t like it so much because it was just casual sex. Don’t get me wrong, it was fun getting off with a guy and knowing I was definitely gay. I was hot as hell for him. But the actual, you know, act, it felt odd. I, um… I’ve actually had thoughts about killing myself. When I first realised I was gay and it scared me, what would happen if I came out and all. I was brainwashed into think gay sex was dirty and sinful. It took a lot to escape that headspace.”
Brandon closed his eyes and had to rest his head back again, taking some slow deep breaths. He was close to being sick but didn’t quite get there with this wave. “I am. Sorry. It’s the leukemia, it gives me fevers and sweats that come and go. I promise, I’m still listening. It’s nice getting to know you. This sickness is just a cockblock to normalcy. I think I need to go to the bathroom...” The worst of the wave hit them. He was trying to peel the blanket off him, clutch the bucket to his chest while he threw up and trying to get off the sofa all at once. He dropped the water bottle, spilling it all over the blanket and carpet. He stood up too quick and as soon as he was upright, dizziness wrenched his consciousness away and he passed out on the living room floor.
Wesley freaked the fuck out. Panic hit him as soon as he saw the colour Brandon turned. It was sick grey colour, like the slush snow left when it melted on a grimy street. His knee-jerk reaction was to try to catch Brandon before he fell but all he managed was to get puked on and the blanket cushioned Brandon’s fall a little. It was a mess and his first panicked thought was to ring Merlin and beg him to come back. But he didn’t. He was Merlin’s best friend and if Merlin’s boyfriend was sick and needed his help, he was going to help him.
It wasn’t easy. Brandon was out cold for a few minutes. Wesley realised that in passing out, Brandon had an accident too and he didn’t want to embarrass the poor guy. He said he needed the bathroom and his body completely let him down. They got through it. Brandon was absolutely mortified when he came-to and Wes had to tell him what happened. Wes helped him to the bathroom, acting as a crutch for Brandon because he was dizzy and still feeling faint. After changing his own clothes, he hunted down a change of clothes in Brandon’s luggage and waited outside the bathroom door while Brandon cleaned himself up in case he needed help. Then he shoved the soiled blanket and clothing into the washing machine.
After the entire mess, Brandon ended up in bed, the only place he should be after all that. He was lying curled up on his side right at the edge of the bed, hand resting on the rim of the bucket on the floor beside him. He felt like he’d been hit by a freight train. Wesley was crouched by the bed, watching him like a hawk. “I’m so sorry you had to do all that. I was enjoying our chat. But also, thank you. This is seriously how now celeb wants their fans to see them.”
“Don’t worry about any of that. That’s the last thing you should be worrying about. Being a star doesn’t erase your exposure to illness and weakness. Don’t get me wrong, I love your work and I think you’re awesome but I know you’re human. A very, very sick human. You’re off the clock, so do as many embarrassing human things as you need. I won’t tell anyone. I’ve got your back. Two questions… do you want me to leave you alone so you can try to sleep, and should I be calling Merlin?” Wesley asked, placing a bottle of Gatorade with a straw in Brandon’s easy reach. Merlin’s insistent schooling that Brandon needed electrolytes was stuck in his head.
Brandon’s phone dinged with an incoming message. He let go of the bucket to rake it off the bedside table, knowing it would be Merlin. He had been ignoring texts from just about everyone else for a couple of days now that they gave up trying. It wasn’t the first time he went underground for awhile just to get some peace. This time, it was just because he was too sick to bother with bullshit and he was focused on meeting Merlin’s parents and making sure Merlin was okay being home. “No, and no. As soon as I tell him I’m not that great, he’s going to ditch his family quicker than we can say ‘fuck cancer’. Stay. I can’t sleep when I’m in pain anyway. We can’t just leave it at anal sex,” he added, giving Wes a smirk over the top of the screen as he shot Merlin a reply admitting he’d passed out but he was okay.
“I can’t believe Brandon Blake just said to me that we can’t just leave it at anal sex. If we were out, I’d be fangirling all over Insta right now,” Wes joked back, relieved Brandon was okay enough to retain his sense of humour. He went over to grab Merlin’s well-loved Spiderman beanbag from the corner of his room, dragging it over so he could chill by the bed and Brandon didn’t have to strain trying to make eye contact. “Is the pain really awful? What does it feel like? I’m going to bet my life savings that he texts back straight away and says he’s on his way home.”
On cue, Brandon’s phone dinged again and he sighed reading the message that was exactly as Wes predicted. “It’s his grandfather’s birthday. He didn’t talk about his grandparents. I assume they’re okay people or he would’ve resisted going completely. Let’s see if I win this round.” He shot back a text telling Merlin he didn’t have to rush home, he was in bed and Wes keeping an eye on him. He tucked his phone in against his elbow, knowing a reply wouldn’t be far behind. “You know when you don’t go to the gym for awhile, then you go back and hit hard and fast? Well, yeah, this pain feels like the morning after that gym sesh mixed with the pukey headachy dizzy morning after a night at the club. I’m the poor fucking bastard stuck in the middle of leukemia and chemo battling each other. So… I wanna know. Is the reason you didn’t enjoy the anal sex because you were so tense fearing it was a dirty sin or was it just because you weren’t used to a dick up your butt. Assuming you bottomed.”
Wes had definitely been in both of those boats but to feel it both together? “Fucking hell. And that’s every day? Merl said you have ups and downs but how do you just keep going? That’s a dumb question, isn’t it? You do it because you have no other choice. Merlin only has two grandparents, both grandfathers. He’s closer to one than he is the other. One, his mom’s dad, is an ex carpenter and the other, his dad’s dad, was in the military, so he’s a bit regimented and stiff. His mom’s dad is the one he’s closer to, so it’ll be his birthday.” Then Brandon was just putting that out there like that and stilled, biting on his lip. “Uh… well… now that you mention it, maybe I psyched myself out in the lead-up. But it hurt and it felt really weird. I was going to ask Merl about it but he said he ain’t bottomed yet. I kinda put two and two together and figured out that meant you had, so what’s the secret?”
“Yeah, every day. It just ebbs and flows in severity. Sometimes, it’ll dial down and give me a break but the afternoon and evening, it gets worse because I take the chemo pills with food at lunch. If I took it at breakfast, most of the day would be gone praying to the porcelain god. If I took it at dinner, I’d be up all night. I refuse to let it take me down yet. If I manage to get a marrow match, the transplant is going to be tough going. I want to be able to have some enjoyment in my relationship while I can.” Brandon braved some sips of the Gatorade because he knew if he didn’t keep the fluids up, he’d land in hospital again. He really did not want to land in hospital in Merlin’s hometown, not knowing who knew who or what could be gossiped about. “Dude, what happens with our body when we stress or worry? What do we automatically do?”
Brandon was answering what Wesley’s next question would have been… why not try taking it at another time of day. This made sense. Little by little, he was learning more about this extremely private side of Brandon Blake, the side very few people knew about. He understood why he wanted it kept under wraps too. He just witnessed how awful and embarrassing the symptoms could be. Who would want to go through that in the public eye? No one should have to. “You know, seeing as I’m coming to New York and all and I’ll be unemployed at least for a bit, if Merlin’s ever tied up with work or whatever, or even just needs a rest, and you need help or just some company, I’d be happy to do anything you needed me to. I mean, I know about you guys and I know you’re sick. I promise, everything would be totally confidential. I only joke about social media fangirling. I wouldn’t post shit.” He tipped his head a little, narrowing his eyes while he took a couple of moments to think about Brandon’s. “Start swearing? Sweat? Tense up?”
Brandon’s phone starting ringing with the Facetime tone. “Hold both of those thoughts, dude. He wants to see for himself I’m not dead.” He connected the call, holding the screen up. “Hey, sweetheart. Don’t stress. I’m okay.”
“You passed out! That’s not okay! What happened?” Merlin shrieked.
“Babe, why are you outside? It’s freezing out. Go back inside! It’s okay, it was just wave of gross,” Brandon insisted. He picked up the Gatorade again, holding it front of the screen. “Look, electrolytes, bed, Wes.” He turned the phone around so Merlin could see his BFF nearby on the beanbag.
“I can’t talk inside, they’ll overhear. Look, I know you wouldn’t have told me unless it was pretty bad. I know that you’re in bed now and not lying on the sofa. I’m just going to come home, darlin’. I’m stressing out and my family are driving me nuts grilling me about work and Justin. I told grandpa I’m travelling with my partner and then when he asked why you weren’t there, I told him you were sick, so he’ll understand. I’m ready for this whole trip to be over so you can be home and resting.” Merlin was twisting his fingers through his hair and pacing.
Brandon could see and hear Merlin was stressed. “Stop pacing, babe, you’re making me dizzy. Come home if you need to, okay? Just know that I’m okay. Wes was amazing when I passed out. I’m in bed now and he’s keeping me company. If you need to, don’t rush. Have a bit of time with your grandpa before you go.”
“I told him I was dating a guy. I wasn’t going to, then it was just coming out, pardon the pun. I thought maybe with his generation, he might not have been so understanding. But he was great. Not that I could tell him exactly who you were because apparently my elderly grandpa watches your show too…” Merlin paused, giving a wave to someone off screen who was passing by. “Yeah, I’m just going to come home. One of my aunts is leaving because she’s got to start work on a night shift, so I’m going to get a lift back with her so Mom and Dad can stay. I’m really not okay being here while you’re sick.”
“Okay. But just know I’m in good hands until you get here. No stressing. You’ll give yourself a migraine. I love you. See you soon.” Brandon smiled when he ended the call and issues a soft moan. “I knew he was going to do that. Fuck. So, here’s the thing… your ass is a muscle. When you tense up, that’s going to tense up too. You want that relax as much possible for a smooth ride, so to speak. I’m guessing if you hooked up with a random for casual sex, foreplay was probably not a priority and it’s freaking vital when you’re first starting out. As is lube. Please tell me you at least had that? Also, I have a proposition for you… and shit, I realise as soon as I say that piggybacking onto talk about ass foreplay it sounds like a proposition but these are two separate independent thoughts.”
Wes started laughing, shaking his head while he his his face behind his hand. No, there was nothing shy about him but Brandon being open with him about this sex thing was epic. He was getting gay sex advice from Brandon Freaking Blake! “Uh, yeah, I’d go so far as to say foreplay was nonexistent. He thought I was experienced. I wasn’t going to tell him I’d never done it with a guy before. The entirety of my experience came from porn and those dudes are just sliding the D right on in and pounding away, looking like they’re having the time of their life. There was lube on the rubber? Wait, what proposition? Don’t worry, I know Merl’s your man and you got one of the best already.”
Brandon winced, sucking in a breath between his teeth. “Jesus Christ. No wonder you didn’t enjoy it. No foreplay and only porn for reference? Gay sex is generally nothing like a porno. They’re all oiled up and choreographed. With copious amounts of lube and prep. It’s like any acting job. Reality is, well… it can be painful if you don’t prep, it can be messy, considering the part of the body we’re using, it can be embarrassing sometimes. But I think you need to try it with someone you care about. It’s a bigger picture. Foreplay’s fun and you use it as prep. Feeling’s mean there’s more care and thought behind it. Don’t use your first go as a yardstick. It’s something you get better at the more you do it.” He turned back onto his side and pulled the blankets around him. “When we get to New York, why don’t you come live at my place? I want to talk to Merlin about a few things because we have to figure our lives out logistically with everything going on. But I have the room. Like, excessive room, really. I’ll hardly be around and if I am, there’s a good chance I’ll be in bed. You won’t need to bother with rent, so you don’t need to stress as much about finding work. Just an offer to think about. But… I do have staff that come and go. I have a housekeeper, a gardner, and butler who works when I have company. I also have a chef who caters any functions I have and a personal assistant who’s in and out depending on my schedule. Oh, and personal trainer but that’s going to be on hold. I’m too sick to train.”
“The finding someone with feelings might be the obstacle. I’ve never done that shit before. Probably because I’ve always been queer and trying to force shit with girls just frustrated and annoyed me. Granted, they weren’t the nicest chicks to begin with. Judgemental, materialistic… all that shit. Super-religious, which, you know, I’m trying to escape. I need to grill Merl on what his secret his. I don’t think I’d even know what to look for in trying to hit on a guy. Plus, I need to focus on getting clean. That’s not going to be fun...” Wesley murmured, scratching his head. He hadn’t let himself think too much on this stuff until Merlin said he was fine with Wes coming to New York with him and he started to see a light at the end of the tunnel. Then the offer came and he shot forward in the beanbag, mouth dropping. “You-- what? Are you serious? You’d be cool with me being a roomie? Holy shit… is this real life?!”
Brandon was drinking a little more of the Gatorade now his stomach had eased on the twisting cramps that came with the sickness wave earlier. He nodded and put the Gatorade back on the nightstand. “Yeah, I’m serious. We could help each other out. Merlin won’t need to stress so much when he’s working. Not that I expect you to be my nursemaid or at my beck and call. I’ll actually have a home nurse come each day to me when I get home and there’ll be one on-call if I have any complications. But I know he’s going to worry when gets back to work. He’s got a lot on, he’s doing incredible and I don’t wanna hold him back on any of that. What are you getting clean from? No judgement here. I’m no angel on that front myself.”
Wesley shook his head in disbelief. “Holy shit, dude. Thank you. That means the fucking world. I know it’s not the best time for you to be taking in a lodger and all that. You didn’t have to do that. Seriously. I was just going to couch surf with Merl until I found my feet. Are you sure? Like, please don’t feel obligated to help out just because I’m Merlin’s BFF. I know how sick you are and how private you are. What happens when you get home, you go back to the IV chemo and shit? Uh… well, I drink. A lot. When I work, I drink. It’s just the buzz, it kind of goes hand-in-hand. I smoke weed a hell of a lot and I ain’t talking medicinal. I take pills sometimes. Done a bit of coke here and there. Mostly, I mix pills with energy drinks. But Merlin said I might be able to get some sound mixing work experience with Justin’s whole tour production thing, which would be fucking incredible. I have to be clean, though. Because Justin’s got a whole history there, his support network are pretty adamant he needs all that shit away from him.”
“If it was outta the realms of possibility, I wouldn’t be offering. Besides, if you spill my secrets, I’ll just sue you,” Brandon joked, giving Wes a tired smirk. He closed his eyes when the pain filtering through his system responded to lying still in a warm and soft bed. “Yeah, IV chemo infusions daily and whatever they do to find a bone marrow match if it’s possible in the time I have. It’s gruelling. Well, if you get clean and work with him, means it’ll be a clean environment for you to stay on the wagon yourself. He’s a huge advocate for youth mental illness, so it’s not like he’ll judge you for having addictions. Battle’s half-won, dude.”
Wes could see the fatigue come over Brandon as he spoke. He could hear it in his voice too. He deliberately didn’t reply straight away and wasn’t surprised when Brandon didn’t open his eyes again. He could tell the moment Brandon fell asleep because his phone slipped over the edge of the mattress and fell into the bucket. It was still a complete unbelievable mindfuck for him that Merlin’s first boyfriend was this huge star but in this moment, Brandon looked so very fragile and human. The gloss of celebrity wasn’t there and it didn’t surprise him that Merlin saw beyond all of that, the good and the bad, to fall in love with him. Or more importantly, that Brandon fell in love with Merlin. Merlin was one of the most important people to Wes in the whole universe and he deserved this.
Getting out of the beanbag without the beans making too much noise rustling was interesting. He ended up rolling off the side and crawled over to rescue Brandon’s phone from the bucket. He turned the volume down on it and pulled the extra blanket up over him so he wasn’t too cold and left quietly so Brandon could finally get some rest.
LOG, COMPLETE
What: BFF & Boyfriendsitter
Where: Larson Home, South Carolina
When: After this
“Wes, I’m fucking serious. If he does any worse than throw up a bit or get a nosebleed that doesn’t ease, you gotta call me.” Merlin was trying to wrestle a comb through his hair standing at the mirror in the hall outside the living room door. Wes was leaning against the doorframe with his arms crossed, smirking at his best friend. Merlin’s curls had been doing their own thing all day but now when he had to try to look presentable for more than chilling around the house resting, he couldn’t get them to obey. “Mom, this is stupid. It ain’t a good time for me to leave him. I ain’t seen half these folk in ages anyway.”
Molly issued a long-suffering sigh, coming up to her son straighten his collar and smooth it down under his coat. He was disheveled because he had been rushing to get ready to attend the family dinner at his aunt and uncle’s place half an hour drive away but she also suspected it had something to do with the fact he had been alone in his room with Brandon all afternoon while Wes made himself scarce and went for a run. “These folks are your family, sweetheart. They haven’t seen you in a really long time. It’s Pop’s birthday and he’s excited about seeing you but he understands it can’t be a long night.”
“Are you sure you don’t want to wear a tie, son? It’s a fancy restaurant we’re going to,” Tom said, coming down the stairs with a couple of his own ties in hand.
Wesley could see that the last place in the world Merlin wanted to be going was some family gathering when things were still tense with his folks and Brandon was in his care. He was just being overprotective. “Dude, chill. I’m not going to let your other half puke or bleed himself to death. I’ve got the notes you wrote down and I ain’t just got your number at the ready, but both your folks and your aunt and uncle. He ain’t gonna want me babysitting him.”
“Dad, I don’t need a tie, this outfit’s designer. It speaks for itself, it’s fancy enough. I wear enough ties for work. Pop’s not going to care if I wear a tie. Hopefully he doesn’t care as much when he find out I’m dating a man.” Merlin scrunched his nose up when the comb tangled up in a knot. Brandon was down the hall in the bathroom and he wasn’t going to leave with his parents until he could say goodbye to him. “I can’t chill. I literally watched him nearly vomit himself to death in recent weeks and need to be rushed to hospital for it. Just humour me. Keep an eye on him and don’t interrogate him with a billion questions. His nausea and vomiting is usually worse in the evenings. He knows he can ask you for help if he needs it.”
Brandon came around the corner from the bathroom. “Yeah, I do know, love. Don’t stress. I’ll be fine.” He took Merlin’s hand and gave it a squeeze. “I just need to sit down.”
Merlin’s focus shifted away from being frustrated that he had to go out tonight to Brandon, wrapping his arm around him to lead him into the living room. “Here, lie down on the sofa, darlin’. I’ve brought a quilt down for you and there’s a container here if you feel sick.” He helped Brandon lie on the sofa where he already set up a couple of fluffy pillows and a warm quilt so he could lie and watch TV with Wes. It seemed like the safest option when Brandon said he was tired and achy from making love earlier that afternoon, something both of them really needed, all things considered. He covered him with the quilt and tucked it around him, leaning over him with a smile. “There’s tissues here too and a bottle of water. Wes will make you tea if you’re up to it. I’ll only be a few hours, okay? Call me if you need anything, we’ll come right back. I love you.” He gave him a lingering kiss, still reluctant to leave, tucking the TV remote in Brandon’s hand.
“I love you. Have a nice time with your family, babe. Try not to worry.” Brandon knew that was easier said than done. Merlin left with his parents, throwing some last minute reminders to Wesley as they went out the front door.
Both Wesley and Merlin’s parents watched Merlin and Brandon’s sweet goodbye. It was in that moment Wes realised that, shit, his BFF really was in love with a guy who was a massive celebrity, and they clearly had something really special together. Merlin’s anxiety about leaving Brandon was evidence of that. This was the first PDA Wes witnessed between his best friend and his lover. Since arriving at the Larsons, either Brandon or Merlin had been asleep, or they were getting busy during the afternoon. Merlin pleaded with Wes earlier to make himself scarce for a little while so he and Brandon had some privacy in the bedroom. Wes, of course, reserved the right to tease him about getting laid, etc. But being the awesome BFF that he was, Wes went for a run and hit the gym so Merlin had all the time he needed with Brandon. It sounded like they hadn’t had the chance for a lot of that being on the road and juggling Brandon’s chemo side effects.
But Wes couldn’t deny he was somewhat fascinated seeing Merlin kiss Brandon Blake. It was confirmation of the whole WTF reveal that Merlin was pansexual and that meant he might fall in love with someone of the same gender. It gave Wes the confidence he needed to come out as gay himself, even if it was only to Merlin so far. He was finding his feet but he loved Merlin to the moon and back for being so accepting and understanding. A few years ago, neither of them could ever have imagined this was where they would end up. It had all been about trying to adhere to the religious convention. Wife, kids, picket fence, a dog. When Merlin came out as pansexual, Wes stopped deluding himself he was straight too and went out to hook up and the theory. The theory turned out to be plain hard fact - he was gay.
He headed into the living room and flopped onto the recliner next to the sofa and kicked the footrest out. “So, I came out to my bestie last night and I wanted to thank you for kinda contributing to helping me with that, being cool with coming here and letting e come back to New York with y’all. And seriously if you do need anything, just say the word. I wanna help. I know you’re probably feeling shitty and sick but not wanting to stress him so much. I ain’t squeamish about puke or anything either. But anyway, I’m Wes.” He reached over, offering Brandon his hand with his introduction.
Brandon accepted the handshake with a smile. “Great to finally meet you, Wes. We talked about you a lot on our trip from Idaho. Congrats on the coming out. I know that no matter how much you love Merlin and see he’s out and accepting himself, it still had to be a friggin scary leap to take. He said your family are extremely religious.” He gave Wes the remote. “You can pick what we watch. I’m easy. Yeah, I feel nauseous as all hell but I’m used to it now. I apologise in advance for any gross things you have to witness.”
Wes took the remote but he didn’t make any moves to change the channel. “I’m um… seriously trying my hardest not to lose my shit here but dude, I’m such a huge fan of your show. I’ve watched it from day one and I think you’re awesome in it. Saxon’s a brilliant character and what you do with him is excellent. It’s kind of a mindfuck sitting here with you. I promised Merl I wouldn’t fangirl you, but I just had to get that out. Did you want a cuppa? I can chuck the kettle on and whip something up for you. Mom also said there’s broth there for you… uh, sorry. Molly. Mrs Larson. I’ve been calling her Mom since I was a kid. She’s always been a second mom to me.”
Brandon smirked with a laugh and waved his hand. “Don’t worry about it. I’m used to it. I get it, it’s a fantastic show. I’m proud to be part of it. If people like you didn’t appreciate what we do, we wouldn’t exist. It’s just that everything in my life right now is overwhelming and overwhelming is hard to deal with when you’re feeling sick. He’s just protective. He’s given so much of himself to take care of me since we met and I feel bad for what I’ve put him through but it’s helped us get close.” He held up his water. “I think I should stick to this for now. Anything else would be pushing my luck. I think you’re really courageous coming out to Merlin. It doesn’t matter if you’re scared to tell everyone else, he’ll have your back.”
“Do you think maybe I could get a quick selfie sometime? Not when you’re feeling shit. I totally get it, you’re probably feeling least like a glamorous celebrity right now than you ever have. It’s just, you’re totally the first celebrity I’ve ever met and it’s so epic cool, I’m freaking dying that Merly’s dating you. He got out and has been flying high with this cool career, doing cool things, meeting cool people. It’s been feeling like he’s outta my league for awhile now. There ain’t anybody else in the whole world I’d wanna come out to first, though. He’s… well, I really don’t think I gotta tell you how awesome he is. I can see it all over your face, you’re head-over.” Wesley paused for a few moments, Merlin’s words clear in his head to just let Brandon take the lead in case he wasn’t up to much conversation or didn’t want to talk about certain things. “Wanna put some music on? We could watch TV but I figure maybe we should get to know each other a little if we’ve gotta spend a fuckton of time in a care together. Only if you wanna, though. It ain’t an obligation. You’re feeling crap. Is there anything I can get you to help?”
Brandon looked down at himself, scrutinizing what he was dressed in. This whole trip, he and Merlin had been sharing clothes so he had to make sure he wasn’t in anything Footloose related if Wesley intended on posting to his social media. “If you stick to this lighting and pile it with filters so I don’t look like I should be deserting Wicked Symphony to join The Walking Dead, go for it. Just don’t give a location. Pap stalk tags to track our whereabouts. Here’s the thing, though. I’ll bet you a week of my salary that by the time we get to New York, my celebrity shine will have worn off for you. Stripping back the layers, I’m just a normal dude. Living a, well yeah, a mindfuck of a life.” He pulled himself up against the pile of pillows to find a better position. “Yeah, go for it. You probably have better playlists than I do being a DJ. You’ll have to tell me how you got into that. I guess you had a hard time when Merlin left for New York, huh? I’m told by very reliable sources that he’s incredible at what he does. I can’t wait to see him perform. How did you realise you were gay, buddy? We can swap queer stories.”
Wesley’s eyebrows shot up in surprise. “Wow, seriously? And you don’t mind me putting it on Insta? Holy fuck.” He was already digging his phone out of his pocket and moving over to the sofa to sit beside Brandon so he could snap a selfie. Mostly, it was just a big moment for him to be meeting an idol from a show he loved. A lot of that had to do with the fact Brandon’s character on Wicked Symphony, Saxon, was a glam-rock rockstar slash private investigator who dressed like a fucking boss in wet-look leather pants, skin-tight glittery mess tanks, guyliner, glittery makeup, nail polish. He was seriously one of the best fictional characters to ever exist. Wes had been trying to acclimatise himself with the fact that it probably wasn’t good form that his BFF’s new boyfriend had been in his spank bank for some time now. He put his arm around Brandon’s shoulder and he snapped just one selfie, then checked it on the screen. Even as sick as he was, Brandon still looked hot. Wesley’s sisters were going to shit themselves when they saw this and by the time they did, he’d be well on his way to New York forever.
He scrolled through his many playlists, trying to find something that was smooth to put on as background noise. “Merlin is massively talented, he just doesn’t think he is because he’s never quite had the urge to be in the direct spotlight. He has the performance mojo but no urge for fame. The drama teacher at school always tried to push him like fuck, thinking anyone who had the ambition to be in musical theatre should be wanting to be famous or some shit. It made him uncomfortable. Merl’s not shy but he’s bashful and unassuming. He was picked on for being a nerd because he wore glasses and liked gay things like singing and dancing. Our school was… painfully conservative and religious. Now the assholes are probably all jealous with who he’s working with. They’d be even more jealous of who he’s dating, whilst battling with homophobia. Is that part of the reason why you can’t come out? For me, I just wasn’t into girls. I joked that it’s because I’ve got five older sisters and I’m all girled-out but I just never felt any sort of attraction to girls. When I set out to experiment with a dude, it was… fuck, intense. A bit like what you and Merl got up to this afternoon,” he had to add, shooting Brandon a cheeky grin.
Brandon held a hand up to intercept the conversation, pressing the back of his other hand to his mouth. He grabbed the container that was neatly lined with a plastic bag and hung onto it in front of him like a life-preserver. He was glad Wesley got the selfie before this wave of nausea set in because he knew he looked terrible during his bouts of sickness. He took his chemo pills around lunchtime and by late afternoon into the evening, the side effects started to set in. Some days, he could sleep through it. Others, he couldn’t sleep for the life of him. He thought he could crash after sex earlier but he couldn’t switch off after it. That was when Merlin recruited Wes to take care of him while he went to his grandpa’s birthday dinner. Something he couldn’t, for obvious reasons, take Brandon to as his date. Thankfully, he wasn’t sick with this particular wave but he still kept hugging the container just in case it hit quickly again. “Shit, Wes, I’m so sorry. It’s really nice what you’re doing to help me here.”
He closed his eyes and put his down on the armrest of the sofa to rest through the sick feeling. There was a whole lot of ‘riding it out’, as Merlin put it. It was the gentle and sweet mantra he would murmur to Brandon while he was getting through being sick or feeling dizzy. A few simple words, but it really helped comfort him. He had no idea how he thought he’d make it through all of this alone. It was like Merlin was brought into his life at the right moment, even if there was nothing glamorous about it. “I’m only just learning Merlin had bullying issues in school. We started dating in circumstances that really weren’t ideal, so we’re learning as we go and that’s not always easy. There’s a lot to learn and my life has all these external amplifying bullshit going on. Our lives are polar opposites and we’re figuring out how to merge that. My closeting is homophobia in a sense but more passive-aggressive, I suppose. It’s about marketing straight to emphasise the branding of my character and the branding of my public image. It’s directly attached to branding of the show, which has a massive fanbase who are used to certain… formulas with it. They’ve aimed to have Saxon kind of aligned as beyond sexuality, if that makes sense. That he has potential to ooze sexual chemistry with anyone and everyone. Like that kind of magical charisma he has that he utilises to solve his cases. They think if I come out as gay, it’s going to directly impact on Saxon’s branding. That I’ll isolate the female audience demographic, which is the majority demographic. It’s difficult and complicated. But it’s not direct homophobia like Merlin says happens here, with your family, in religious circles. I’m really sorry you’ve had to experience that, especially from your own family. If you wanna talk about the whole being gay thing, I’m cool with that. So long as I’m not chucking up everything I ate in the last week. Which is exactly why Merlin and I had to take advantage of that window of opportunity this afternoon. Carpe diem,” he added, smirking.
Wesley had settled on the sofa beside Brandon, at first to be at the ready if he started throwing up and needed up but then to just listen to him talk. Just like Merlin indicated, Brandon was a pretty easy going guy and was being open with him. He obviously knew he could trust him because Merlin’s best friend. All this stuff, Wes knew it had to be classified info because of who Brandon was and what his public image was sold as. Merlin told him that very few people even knew Brandon had cancer, let alone that he was gay. There was a girl who was going to pretend to be his public girlfriend, who was Jesse’s sister. That was a pretty cool thing for her to do but it couldn’t be easy for Brandon or Merlin. “I guess if you had the choice, you’d come out, though? Would you want to be out with Merlin?” He sighed and rubbed the back of his neck with a shake of his head. “I dunno, dude. I’m feeling right now like I’ll never actually tell my family I’m gay. Or anyone here. I’m in the same boat as Jess. I just wanna get out so I can be myself. I feel like I’m drowning and suffocating but my folks are super religious. Catholic. My dad’s a pastor with our church, they’ve been missionaries. All that BS They think homosexuality is an illness that can be cured or exorcised from someone. It just ain’t gonna end well if I tell them. So, if I just get away, they keep their peace that they didn’t spit out a tained fag son and I get to be far away and be myself. How long have you known or did you always know? I wasn’t one of those folk. I didn’t always know, I’ve only realised maybe the last year or so. It just gotten worse recently ‘cause my folks are trying to marry me off to this awful bitchy chick I hate because she’s from an upstanding Catholic family with our church.”
“I wanted to come out. That’s what triggered the beard arrangement. I tried to take the first steps and they pretty much just cockblocked it entirely. They said they were aware they couldn’t dictate what I did in my private time but they could pretty much destroy my career if I did anything to jeopardise the image of the show. I agreed to a bearding contract because it would pull focus away from my real private life. They didn’t force it on me. I agreed because I’d just found out I was sick. At least this way, I can somewhat control what piece of me they get. Not left up to gossip and rumour like it’s always been before. You live a life like mine, you kind of do whatever the fuck you can to maintain some control. I’d love nothing more than to be out with Merlin, though. I feel guilty as fuck I have to hide him.” Brandon had touched on this with Merlin, who reassured him it was unnecessary worry because he didn’t mind. But the closer they got, the more Brandon was finding him dwelling on it. He just knew there was nothing he could do about it right now. “You know that’s okay, right? You’re not obligated to come out to anyone if you don’t feel comfortable or safe. You’ll be both with Merlin… and with me, by default. Plus, it sounds like Merlin has some incredible friends who’ll welcome you and accept you. A lot of them identify on the spectrum too. I’m looking forward to meeting them. Family doesn’t automatically mean people aren’t toxic to us. I’m sorry you’ve been going through that, trying to be forced into a relationship. I suspected from when I was around fifteen or sixteen. Before that, life was… weird. I didn’t want to draw focus to myself so I wasn’t interested in dating. I was a bit of an emo kid. Have you dated guys?”
Wesley sitting here listening to Brandon talk while he sat there in sweatpants hugging a sick bucket, he seemed so very human and real. He could see now how easily Merlin saw beyond the mask, the smoke and mirrors, shrouding Brandon’s life as a very famous celebrity. It didn’t sound near as awesome to live it as it all looked from the outside looking in. And he knew there were many celebrities who battled cancer away from the spotlight and their fans never knew until they died or went into remission and spoke publicly about it. Being this sick, who could blame them for wanting privacy? “That ain’t gonna bother him, dude. Trust me, I’ve known him literally from birth, I know him. He ain’t gonna have a single problem with getting the real you in private rather than the showbiz you in the spotlight. And on the off chance he would, he would’ve told you. He’s a heart on his sleeve guy. It would’ve been a freaking huge deal for him to wanna date you ‘cause he doesn’t see his own worth. He’s probably still wondering how the hell he nabbed you,” he said with a knowing smirk but his words were murmured, his own situation weighing heavily on him. “I don’t feel comfortable or safe here. I don’t feel happy. I feel lost and scared and like I can’t fucking breathe. I know I’m crashing all your road trip plans but once Merl gave me that lifeline, I couldn’t stop thinking about it. I ain’t dated any guys but I’ve slept with one. Anal’s… a different ball game, pardon the pun.”
Brandon nodded with a small smile. “So, do I get to grill you for some hilarious or embarrassing stories about my boyfriend growing up or does whatever happened in BFF land, stay in BFF land? His worth is… fucking priceless. I’ve only known him such a short time but he’s one of the most amazing people I’ve ever met and I’ve met a fuckton of people in my time.” He kept the container in his lap but turned to the bottle of water Merlin left him. It was chilled so he put it to his forehead first, inviting the cool when he started to feel a little feverish and then screwed the cap off so he could sip on it. He had to laugh at that last comment. “Not impressed with anal or just needing to get used to it more? You’re not crashing anything, okay? We had no real plans. We’re playing it by ear. You need help, he’d give it to you regardless. Situations like this, they can be life or death.”
“Oh, man. So many stories. Merl’s always been this bright and happy dude. He was friendly to everyone, would talk to anyone. But he was bullied, just for being himself and not conforming. People are assholes, you know? This place doesn’t have much tolerance for people who are different. All that probably felt amplified once he found out he was adopted. I feel so bad for him because Jess was always this sweet and friendly guy. If he was my brother, I would’ve wanted to know about it. But his family never treated him differently. He was their kid, there’s no disputing that. I pretty much lived here my whole childhood because I didn’t like being home. It was so fucking hard when Merl left. I was over the moon for him but saying goodbye to him hurt like hell. He deserved all the amazing things that came his way. It looks like you’re burning up, dude. Should I be worrying?” Wesley watched Brandon, concerned with how unwell he was but he knew it was a given. It was just a fucking shame. He sat back and stretched his legs out, tugging his lips to the side. “It was uncomfortable and I didn’t like it so much because it was just casual sex. Don’t get me wrong, it was fun getting off with a guy and knowing I was definitely gay. I was hot as hell for him. But the actual, you know, act, it felt odd. I, um… I’ve actually had thoughts about killing myself. When I first realised I was gay and it scared me, what would happen if I came out and all. I was brainwashed into think gay sex was dirty and sinful. It took a lot to escape that headspace.”
Brandon closed his eyes and had to rest his head back again, taking some slow deep breaths. He was close to being sick but didn’t quite get there with this wave. “I am. Sorry. It’s the leukemia, it gives me fevers and sweats that come and go. I promise, I’m still listening. It’s nice getting to know you. This sickness is just a cockblock to normalcy. I think I need to go to the bathroom...” The worst of the wave hit them. He was trying to peel the blanket off him, clutch the bucket to his chest while he threw up and trying to get off the sofa all at once. He dropped the water bottle, spilling it all over the blanket and carpet. He stood up too quick and as soon as he was upright, dizziness wrenched his consciousness away and he passed out on the living room floor.
Wesley freaked the fuck out. Panic hit him as soon as he saw the colour Brandon turned. It was sick grey colour, like the slush snow left when it melted on a grimy street. His knee-jerk reaction was to try to catch Brandon before he fell but all he managed was to get puked on and the blanket cushioned Brandon’s fall a little. It was a mess and his first panicked thought was to ring Merlin and beg him to come back. But he didn’t. He was Merlin’s best friend and if Merlin’s boyfriend was sick and needed his help, he was going to help him.
It wasn’t easy. Brandon was out cold for a few minutes. Wesley realised that in passing out, Brandon had an accident too and he didn’t want to embarrass the poor guy. He said he needed the bathroom and his body completely let him down. They got through it. Brandon was absolutely mortified when he came-to and Wes had to tell him what happened. Wes helped him to the bathroom, acting as a crutch for Brandon because he was dizzy and still feeling faint. After changing his own clothes, he hunted down a change of clothes in Brandon’s luggage and waited outside the bathroom door while Brandon cleaned himself up in case he needed help. Then he shoved the soiled blanket and clothing into the washing machine.
After the entire mess, Brandon ended up in bed, the only place he should be after all that. He was lying curled up on his side right at the edge of the bed, hand resting on the rim of the bucket on the floor beside him. He felt like he’d been hit by a freight train. Wesley was crouched by the bed, watching him like a hawk. “I’m so sorry you had to do all that. I was enjoying our chat. But also, thank you. This is seriously how now celeb wants their fans to see them.”
“Don’t worry about any of that. That’s the last thing you should be worrying about. Being a star doesn’t erase your exposure to illness and weakness. Don’t get me wrong, I love your work and I think you’re awesome but I know you’re human. A very, very sick human. You’re off the clock, so do as many embarrassing human things as you need. I won’t tell anyone. I’ve got your back. Two questions… do you want me to leave you alone so you can try to sleep, and should I be calling Merlin?” Wesley asked, placing a bottle of Gatorade with a straw in Brandon’s easy reach. Merlin’s insistent schooling that Brandon needed electrolytes was stuck in his head.
Brandon’s phone dinged with an incoming message. He let go of the bucket to rake it off the bedside table, knowing it would be Merlin. He had been ignoring texts from just about everyone else for a couple of days now that they gave up trying. It wasn’t the first time he went underground for awhile just to get some peace. This time, it was just because he was too sick to bother with bullshit and he was focused on meeting Merlin’s parents and making sure Merlin was okay being home. “No, and no. As soon as I tell him I’m not that great, he’s going to ditch his family quicker than we can say ‘fuck cancer’. Stay. I can’t sleep when I’m in pain anyway. We can’t just leave it at anal sex,” he added, giving Wes a smirk over the top of the screen as he shot Merlin a reply admitting he’d passed out but he was okay.
“I can’t believe Brandon Blake just said to me that we can’t just leave it at anal sex. If we were out, I’d be fangirling all over Insta right now,” Wes joked back, relieved Brandon was okay enough to retain his sense of humour. He went over to grab Merlin’s well-loved Spiderman beanbag from the corner of his room, dragging it over so he could chill by the bed and Brandon didn’t have to strain trying to make eye contact. “Is the pain really awful? What does it feel like? I’m going to bet my life savings that he texts back straight away and says he’s on his way home.”
On cue, Brandon’s phone dinged again and he sighed reading the message that was exactly as Wes predicted. “It’s his grandfather’s birthday. He didn’t talk about his grandparents. I assume they’re okay people or he would’ve resisted going completely. Let’s see if I win this round.” He shot back a text telling Merlin he didn’t have to rush home, he was in bed and Wes keeping an eye on him. He tucked his phone in against his elbow, knowing a reply wouldn’t be far behind. “You know when you don’t go to the gym for awhile, then you go back and hit hard and fast? Well, yeah, this pain feels like the morning after that gym sesh mixed with the pukey headachy dizzy morning after a night at the club. I’m the poor fucking bastard stuck in the middle of leukemia and chemo battling each other. So… I wanna know. Is the reason you didn’t enjoy the anal sex because you were so tense fearing it was a dirty sin or was it just because you weren’t used to a dick up your butt. Assuming you bottomed.”
Wes had definitely been in both of those boats but to feel it both together? “Fucking hell. And that’s every day? Merl said you have ups and downs but how do you just keep going? That’s a dumb question, isn’t it? You do it because you have no other choice. Merlin only has two grandparents, both grandfathers. He’s closer to one than he is the other. One, his mom’s dad, is an ex carpenter and the other, his dad’s dad, was in the military, so he’s a bit regimented and stiff. His mom’s dad is the one he’s closer to, so it’ll be his birthday.” Then Brandon was just putting that out there like that and stilled, biting on his lip. “Uh… well… now that you mention it, maybe I psyched myself out in the lead-up. But it hurt and it felt really weird. I was going to ask Merl about it but he said he ain’t bottomed yet. I kinda put two and two together and figured out that meant you had, so what’s the secret?”
“Yeah, every day. It just ebbs and flows in severity. Sometimes, it’ll dial down and give me a break but the afternoon and evening, it gets worse because I take the chemo pills with food at lunch. If I took it at breakfast, most of the day would be gone praying to the porcelain god. If I took it at dinner, I’d be up all night. I refuse to let it take me down yet. If I manage to get a marrow match, the transplant is going to be tough going. I want to be able to have some enjoyment in my relationship while I can.” Brandon braved some sips of the Gatorade because he knew if he didn’t keep the fluids up, he’d land in hospital again. He really did not want to land in hospital in Merlin’s hometown, not knowing who knew who or what could be gossiped about. “Dude, what happens with our body when we stress or worry? What do we automatically do?”
Brandon was answering what Wesley’s next question would have been… why not try taking it at another time of day. This made sense. Little by little, he was learning more about this extremely private side of Brandon Blake, the side very few people knew about. He understood why he wanted it kept under wraps too. He just witnessed how awful and embarrassing the symptoms could be. Who would want to go through that in the public eye? No one should have to. “You know, seeing as I’m coming to New York and all and I’ll be unemployed at least for a bit, if Merlin’s ever tied up with work or whatever, or even just needs a rest, and you need help or just some company, I’d be happy to do anything you needed me to. I mean, I know about you guys and I know you’re sick. I promise, everything would be totally confidential. I only joke about social media fangirling. I wouldn’t post shit.” He tipped his head a little, narrowing his eyes while he took a couple of moments to think about Brandon’s. “Start swearing? Sweat? Tense up?”
Brandon’s phone starting ringing with the Facetime tone. “Hold both of those thoughts, dude. He wants to see for himself I’m not dead.” He connected the call, holding the screen up. “Hey, sweetheart. Don’t stress. I’m okay.”
“You passed out! That’s not okay! What happened?” Merlin shrieked.
“Babe, why are you outside? It’s freezing out. Go back inside! It’s okay, it was just wave of gross,” Brandon insisted. He picked up the Gatorade again, holding it front of the screen. “Look, electrolytes, bed, Wes.” He turned the phone around so Merlin could see his BFF nearby on the beanbag.
“I can’t talk inside, they’ll overhear. Look, I know you wouldn’t have told me unless it was pretty bad. I know that you’re in bed now and not lying on the sofa. I’m just going to come home, darlin’. I’m stressing out and my family are driving me nuts grilling me about work and Justin. I told grandpa I’m travelling with my partner and then when he asked why you weren’t there, I told him you were sick, so he’ll understand. I’m ready for this whole trip to be over so you can be home and resting.” Merlin was twisting his fingers through his hair and pacing.
Brandon could see and hear Merlin was stressed. “Stop pacing, babe, you’re making me dizzy. Come home if you need to, okay? Just know that I’m okay. Wes was amazing when I passed out. I’m in bed now and he’s keeping me company. If you need to, don’t rush. Have a bit of time with your grandpa before you go.”
“I told him I was dating a guy. I wasn’t going to, then it was just coming out, pardon the pun. I thought maybe with his generation, he might not have been so understanding. But he was great. Not that I could tell him exactly who you were because apparently my elderly grandpa watches your show too…” Merlin paused, giving a wave to someone off screen who was passing by. “Yeah, I’m just going to come home. One of my aunts is leaving because she’s got to start work on a night shift, so I’m going to get a lift back with her so Mom and Dad can stay. I’m really not okay being here while you’re sick.”
“Okay. But just know I’m in good hands until you get here. No stressing. You’ll give yourself a migraine. I love you. See you soon.” Brandon smiled when he ended the call and issues a soft moan. “I knew he was going to do that. Fuck. So, here’s the thing… your ass is a muscle. When you tense up, that’s going to tense up too. You want that relax as much possible for a smooth ride, so to speak. I’m guessing if you hooked up with a random for casual sex, foreplay was probably not a priority and it’s freaking vital when you’re first starting out. As is lube. Please tell me you at least had that? Also, I have a proposition for you… and shit, I realise as soon as I say that piggybacking onto talk about ass foreplay it sounds like a proposition but these are two separate independent thoughts.”
Wes started laughing, shaking his head while he his his face behind his hand. No, there was nothing shy about him but Brandon being open with him about this sex thing was epic. He was getting gay sex advice from Brandon Freaking Blake! “Uh, yeah, I’d go so far as to say foreplay was nonexistent. He thought I was experienced. I wasn’t going to tell him I’d never done it with a guy before. The entirety of my experience came from porn and those dudes are just sliding the D right on in and pounding away, looking like they’re having the time of their life. There was lube on the rubber? Wait, what proposition? Don’t worry, I know Merl’s your man and you got one of the best already.”
Brandon winced, sucking in a breath between his teeth. “Jesus Christ. No wonder you didn’t enjoy it. No foreplay and only porn for reference? Gay sex is generally nothing like a porno. They’re all oiled up and choreographed. With copious amounts of lube and prep. It’s like any acting job. Reality is, well… it can be painful if you don’t prep, it can be messy, considering the part of the body we’re using, it can be embarrassing sometimes. But I think you need to try it with someone you care about. It’s a bigger picture. Foreplay’s fun and you use it as prep. Feeling’s mean there’s more care and thought behind it. Don’t use your first go as a yardstick. It’s something you get better at the more you do it.” He turned back onto his side and pulled the blankets around him. “When we get to New York, why don’t you come live at my place? I want to talk to Merlin about a few things because we have to figure our lives out logistically with everything going on. But I have the room. Like, excessive room, really. I’ll hardly be around and if I am, there’s a good chance I’ll be in bed. You won’t need to bother with rent, so you don’t need to stress as much about finding work. Just an offer to think about. But… I do have staff that come and go. I have a housekeeper, a gardner, and butler who works when I have company. I also have a chef who caters any functions I have and a personal assistant who’s in and out depending on my schedule. Oh, and personal trainer but that’s going to be on hold. I’m too sick to train.”
“The finding someone with feelings might be the obstacle. I’ve never done that shit before. Probably because I’ve always been queer and trying to force shit with girls just frustrated and annoyed me. Granted, they weren’t the nicest chicks to begin with. Judgemental, materialistic… all that shit. Super-religious, which, you know, I’m trying to escape. I need to grill Merl on what his secret his. I don’t think I’d even know what to look for in trying to hit on a guy. Plus, I need to focus on getting clean. That’s not going to be fun...” Wesley murmured, scratching his head. He hadn’t let himself think too much on this stuff until Merlin said he was fine with Wes coming to New York with him and he started to see a light at the end of the tunnel. Then the offer came and he shot forward in the beanbag, mouth dropping. “You-- what? Are you serious? You’d be cool with me being a roomie? Holy shit… is this real life?!”
Brandon was drinking a little more of the Gatorade now his stomach had eased on the twisting cramps that came with the sickness wave earlier. He nodded and put the Gatorade back on the nightstand. “Yeah, I’m serious. We could help each other out. Merlin won’t need to stress so much when he’s working. Not that I expect you to be my nursemaid or at my beck and call. I’ll actually have a home nurse come each day to me when I get home and there’ll be one on-call if I have any complications. But I know he’s going to worry when gets back to work. He’s got a lot on, he’s doing incredible and I don’t wanna hold him back on any of that. What are you getting clean from? No judgement here. I’m no angel on that front myself.”
Wesley shook his head in disbelief. “Holy shit, dude. Thank you. That means the fucking world. I know it’s not the best time for you to be taking in a lodger and all that. You didn’t have to do that. Seriously. I was just going to couch surf with Merl until I found my feet. Are you sure? Like, please don’t feel obligated to help out just because I’m Merlin’s BFF. I know how sick you are and how private you are. What happens when you get home, you go back to the IV chemo and shit? Uh… well, I drink. A lot. When I work, I drink. It’s just the buzz, it kind of goes hand-in-hand. I smoke weed a hell of a lot and I ain’t talking medicinal. I take pills sometimes. Done a bit of coke here and there. Mostly, I mix pills with energy drinks. But Merlin said I might be able to get some sound mixing work experience with Justin’s whole tour production thing, which would be fucking incredible. I have to be clean, though. Because Justin’s got a whole history there, his support network are pretty adamant he needs all that shit away from him.”
“If it was outta the realms of possibility, I wouldn’t be offering. Besides, if you spill my secrets, I’ll just sue you,” Brandon joked, giving Wes a tired smirk. He closed his eyes when the pain filtering through his system responded to lying still in a warm and soft bed. “Yeah, IV chemo infusions daily and whatever they do to find a bone marrow match if it’s possible in the time I have. It’s gruelling. Well, if you get clean and work with him, means it’ll be a clean environment for you to stay on the wagon yourself. He’s a huge advocate for youth mental illness, so it’s not like he’ll judge you for having addictions. Battle’s half-won, dude.”
Wes could see the fatigue come over Brandon as he spoke. He could hear it in his voice too. He deliberately didn’t reply straight away and wasn’t surprised when Brandon didn’t open his eyes again. He could tell the moment Brandon fell asleep because his phone slipped over the edge of the mattress and fell into the bucket. It was still a complete unbelievable mindfuck for him that Merlin’s first boyfriend was this huge star but in this moment, Brandon looked so very fragile and human. The gloss of celebrity wasn’t there and it didn’t surprise him that Merlin saw beyond all of that, the good and the bad, to fall in love with him. Or more importantly, that Brandon fell in love with Merlin. Merlin was one of the most important people to Wes in the whole universe and he deserved this.
Getting out of the beanbag without the beans making too much noise rustling was interesting. He ended up rolling off the side and crawled over to rescue Brandon’s phone from the bucket. He turned the volume down on it and pulled the extra blanket up over him so he wasn’t too cold and left quietly so Brandon could finally get some rest.
LOG, COMPLETE