Brandon Blake (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
signofthetimes) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
dreamlikenewyork2019-02-16 03:22 am
signofthetimes) wrote in dreamlikenewyork2019-02-16 03:22 am
"It's getting hard to sit here while the parents talk."
Who: Brandon Blake and Merlin Larson with Mr and Mrs Larson
What: Larson Family Business
Where: Heading for South Carolina
When: After this
It had been a rough day on the road but they got a solid run through Tennessee and into Georgia. They both agreed it would be good if they could get to Merlin’s hometown without another stop, even if it meant they might arrive late. Merlin sent his mom a text and told her they wouldn’t make dinner like she hoped, but his folks were fine if they arrived after dark, they would wait up for him however long it took. Merlin preferred if they did arrive after dark because there was less chance of drawing attention to Brandon’s black Maserati convertible, not exactly the type of car you saw often - maybe ever - in his hometown. They could park it in the garage where it wouldn’t draw any attention.
So far, all Merlin had told them was he was on a roadtrip with a friend (it was Brandon’s turn in the fake friends-zone, even if Merlin only intended for it to be briefly) and he was detouring via SC on their drive home to pick Wes up, who was coming to stay with Merlin in New York for awhile. At this point, no parental units needed to know Wes wanted to make the move permanently.
Trying to distract themselves from the last leg of of this trip dragging out in their impatience to get there, they had a power-ballad sing-along where Merlin heard how amazing Brandon’s voice was in the flesh. For some reason, he always assumed there was a lot of autotuning of his voice when his character performed the big numbers at the rock concerts with his band but he learned during that conversation that all the musical numbers on the show were performed live, they just dubbed a clearer recording of the song over it for the sake of TV clarity. Merlin liked that they had music in common but Brandon lost his wind singing along and started to look weary and nauseated again.
In the passenger’s seat, Brandon loosened his seatbelt and shifted positions - again, for about the millionth time since they left Idaho - so he was sitting sideways on the seat, his legs tucked up and his head nursed against the headrest. He watched Merlin driving for a few moments and took a deep breath, letting it out slowly. But despite his best against, some deep breathing wasn’t helpful in alleviate nausea. “What’s your family like? I mean, before you moved to New York or found out you were adopted?”
Merlin glanced over at Brandon and reached to give a chaste stroke to his hair with his fingertips. It was a huge question but he knew Brandon could use the distraction. “Wow, okay. Um… well, conventional, I suppose? Simple. My mom is my dad’s second marriage. He’s an attorney and she was his paralegal. His first wife cheated on him. My older brother was Jesse’s best friend, which is why everything felt so fucked up when I discovered the adoption. I was always getting into mischief because of the ADHD. I was diagnosed when I was eight and they didn’t medicate me straight away. Having to sit still in church was a nightmare for me, so I never really liked it. It was boring and felt uncomfortable. Which is why I didn’t really stick to the family’s religious faith. Then they stuck me on Adderall and I could start to focus on this more. They encouraged my love of music and performing was a good outlet for excess energy.”
“They were good to you? They didn’t treat you differently because you were adopted or anything?” Brandon asked and turned the music down a little so he could concentrate on what Merlin was saying. “I noticed that since you spoke to Wesley and knew we were going to South Carolina, you’ve been a little quiet and confused about it. I just wanted to make sure you’re okay.”
Merlin raised his eyebrows at the question, realising he hadn’t thought about it like that before. “No… they never treated me differently. I never had even the slightest clue I was different to them. I guess that’s why it was such a shock when I found out. It’s been playing on my mind. Sorry, I haven’t been too distant, have I? I talked to Jesse about it a little. I just overthink a lot when I let my mind go to the adoption. It’s weird because I’ve been telling myself since I got back to the US that I had to go home for a visit, let my folks eyeball me and see I’m healthy and okay. I didn’t realise I was avoiding doing it until I now have to go there for other reasons. I don’t think they understand the enormity of what I went through finding out I was adopted, which makes me worried they won’t understand how it led to me questioning my whole identity, including my sexuality which has led me here… dating a guy who is seriously ill and just happens to be one of the biggest TV stars in the world right now. They don’t understand what pansexuality is.”
Brandon put his hand on Merlin’s thigh with a little pat. “Are you not ready for me to meet them? You just have to say the word if you aren’t. I don’t want you trying to jump hurdles you aren’t ready for. This has never been a I have to meet your family because you met mine. You know my situation is complicated. You came with me because I’m sick and really needed your help but you don’t have to reciprocate if you’re not ready. You can take whatever time you need to adjust your identity and where our relationship fits into that. It won’t impact on our relationship in any… oh god--” His stomach lurched, cutting him off.
“Pull over?” Merlin asked quickly, trying to keep his eyes on the road and check if Brandon was okay at the same.
“Yeah,” Brandon got out, clamping a hand over his mouth and already undoing his seatbelt, wrangling his way out of it with one hand. Merlin hit the indicator and peeled off onto the verge. Brandon made it a few steps away from the car before he threw up and then straightened up once he was done, hand on his hip while he tried to catch his breath and the other holding his stomach that was burning with pain. Merlin got out with him, always at the ready to help with whatever Brandon needed when he had no choice but to submit to the side effects. “Sorry. I don’t know if I’m done yet.”
Merlin had the travel pack of tissues and a bottle of water waiting. “It’s okay. Here, sit down. We’ll wait it out.” He lead Brandon to the steel barrier to sit on. Not the most comfortable seat but it would take the weight of his legs. He sometimes got dizzy after being sick and Merlin didn’t want him to fall over. Brandon had the clammy sweats again so Merlin tipped a little of the water onto some Kleenex and wiped his face. Just as he was, Brandon starting vomiting again and Merlin raked his hair out of his face. “That blue Gatorade sure makes for an interesting re-run, huh? Matches your car.”
“Oh, jesus,” Brandon said with a bit of a choked laugh. Merlin always had this way of reassuring him that he was okay with this, it wasn’t a bother to him. He wasn’t making light of anything, just empathising, reminding Brandon he was there to help him. But he also had this cheeky sense of humour Brandon loved. It was exactly what he needed in these moments this battle with cancer weighed heavily on him, impacting on every-fucking-thing in his life. He was soon leaning over coughing again, stomach spasming. “Fuck, don’t make me laugh. I was trying to have a deep and meaningful chat with you to make sure you were okay, and here we are again. Chucking on the side of the road. I just don’t want you to feel you have to introduce me to your family because I introduced you to mine. Maybe this me isn’t the best version to dump on them straight up.” He took some tissues, holding them to his mouth while he caught his breath.
Merlin perched on the rail beside Brandon. “Well, I’m probably about to make you feel even more sick but… I want you to meet them. I don’t know what the outcome will be and it might be, um… well, they watch your show, so… awkward? I’ve been thinking about this non-stop since we left Idaho and even more excessive overthinking when you’ve been sleeping and you’re just reminding me how easily I fell in love with you. Something that happened that easily can’t be wrong for me. It might not be certain people’s definition of conventional but I’ve never wanted to be conventional. Conventional to me is just another way of saying you’re forcing people into one way of life, which is everything that aggravates me about religion to begin with. I might be going back home changed but I’m still going back home as me and this you’re a part of the new me. So, que sera sera?”
“I thought maybe you didn’t want me to meet them but you weren’t sure how to tell me. It’s got to be hard talking to me when I’m like this.” Brandon had some of the water Merlin gave him, rinsing his mouth first and then working on some slow sips. He had been eating okay earlier in the day but taking the chemo meds with lunch, it had been making for nauseated afternoons leading to the worst of the sickness in the evenings. “Have we got far to to go?”
Merlin put his arm around Brandon and kissed his temple. “Not that, darlin’. It was more me trying to decide if I was ready to see them or not yet. I knew deep down if I decided to, you were going to be with me. I wouldn’t want it any other way. I take a long time to reason things out. My brain bounces around like a freaking jack rabbit. It’s the ADHD. It can be exhausting. Plus, I’m worried about Wes. He drinks a lot and uses drugs. Party drugs or uppers. Then to come down so he can sleep during the day after work, he smokes weed.” He shook his head, watching some cars sweeping past. “We’ve crossed the border. About a lil’ under two hours to my place from here. Still could feel like a lot if your spewy feeling’s back. Want me to get the plastic bags out of the trunk?”
“I love you. You have the biggest fucking heart in the universe but you take so much energy taking care of everyone else, you don’t see how much you need the TLC too. Are you scared of what your parents will think of all this?” Brandon nodded and offered Merlin his hand to help him stand up. “Let’s do that. I might try to sleep a little, if I can. Will you be okay or are you going to overthink and stress out on me? I want to talk to you about all this stuff. I just can’t stop myself being sick long enough and it’s frustrating as fuck.”
Merlin helped Brandon stand carefully, making sure they both side-stepped the mess. “You trying to sleep is an excellent idea. I don’t think it’ll make you feel any more refreshed getting there but you might sleep through some of the worst of it. You can have a shower when we get to the house if you’re feeling up to it.” Brandon got back into the car and Merlin dug out the calico bag of plastic bags Joan had given them before they left to have on hand if Brandon got sick in the car. Most of the times, he needed to stop anyway. To get some air, stop moving for a bit, catch his breath, or go to the bathroom. He got back in the car and tucked the bags down by Brandon’s feet. “I’m not scared of what my folks will think. They can think whatever they like. It won’t make me less queer or less in love with you. It might piss me off if they seem to have difficulties accepting it. I don’t think they will. None of this is about you, I promise you that. It’s the adoption and feeling disconnected from my family. But I’m nervous because I have a feeling they probably haven’t seriously entertained the idea I would date guys and you being you. I think it’s best to just go at it all like ripping off a band-aid because I get all rambling and tongue-tied trying to explain stuff when I’m emotional or angry. You know the weird part? My older brother’s gay.”
“Seriously? I don’t think you mentioned that before. You haven’t talked of him much at all, only Jesse. But I can tell there’s estrangement there. Did you guys have a fight? Or did he and Jesse have a fight or something?” Brandon asked, his plans to try to sleep being shelved even just while Merlin was chatting to him. He took one of the plastic bags out and stuck it under his thigh so he could grab it quickly if he needed it.
“That travel sickness candy is in the glove compartment, darlin’. Try sucking on those, it might take the edge off a little,” Merlin suggested, watching the traffic for a gap he could pull out into. “Serious. You know Scott, who Autumn hooked up with? Damien was engaged to his younger brother, Liam. My folks were okay with him being gay. Damien still felt the small town stifling and there was inevitable judgment. He wanted to pursue a music career, which is why he moved to New York. We never really had a disastrous falling out. Things just became distant and it got worse when I found out I was adopted. Jesse was there for me and Damien wasn’t. He left New York when things failed with Liam. Liam’s a rape survivor so he has intimacy issues sometimes. I think Damien wanted to save him from himself and Liam wanted a fiance, not a hero. A messy situation, really. The point is, I think Mom and Dad even got what being gay was. But me, I’m not even conventionally gay. I’m not even half-gay, bi.”
Brandon smiled when Merlin directed him to the glove compartment. He was always trying to help him, even in little ways, to get through this. It was sweet. He found the box Merlin was talking about and tossed a couple of the lozenges into his mouth. “Wow. It’s a small world. Were you close to Damien before all this happened? Before either of you moved to New York?”
Merlin nodded and his response hurt. He couldn’t quite reason out where all that went wrong and he didn’t want to dwell on it. “I always just told myself if he came back, I’d deal with it it then. Our family was tight, then everything changed. I sent Damien an email and asked him if he knew I was adopted and he never replied.” He shrugged, really wanting to feel indifference but he still didn’t understand what happened there. “We were always really different. Guess that makes sense now we know we’re not blood-related. Now that people know, people really think I’m like Jess, which is a massive compliment. I love him and he’s got such a beautiful soul, it’s an honour people think I’m like him.”
“Do you think that’s why you still feel really angry and struggling with your family, because you resent that none of them told you and gave you the chance to choose to have a relationship with Jesse?” Brandon just wanted to sit and talk uninterrupted with his boyfriend about these things, listen to Merlin talk about anything he needed to. The feeling sick was getting in the way and he felt like he was letting him down but he didn’t want to end up throwing up all over the car. He loosened the seatbelt so he could sit forward, leaning over to rest his arm on the dash to pillow his head against his elbow, the plastic bag open in his lap. He was desperately trying to will his gut not to need it but he didn’t trust his body on chemo at all anymore. He took some deep breaths, trying to will it to just pass. “Do you think we would’ve gotten this close if we didn’t leave New York? If you didn’t...”
Merlin rubbed Brandon’s back, always sympathetic to what he was trying to battle. The difficult part that Brandon had an aggressive cancer, which meant his medical team were treating it aggressively. This was the fallout of that. It was partly why he was anxious about going home to his family in South Carolina. Brandon clearly and obviously wasn’t well, he couldn’t control it, and took its toll. These were, to Merlin, the bigger fish to fry in this situation. For some reason, no matter how sick he was feeling, Brandon still had a knack for some curly questions. “If I didn’t have to take care of you? Well, you still would’ve been this sick in New York and I wouldn’t leave you to deal with that alone. It might not have happened how it did but we still would’ve had time together, talking because you were too ill to so much else. Do I think we would’ve gotten close if you didn’t have cancer? You do. You had it when we met, even if you didn’t know it yet. Because of that, because you had been feeling sick and exhausted, you didn’t want to go back into that event and when you saw me, suggested we get a coffee and go for a walk. We wouldn’t have met if you hadn’t been sick. We don’t need to think about those what-ifs. This is what has happened, it’s what we got. So, do I really have a right to be angry over what-ifs with Jesse? No. Not practically. But I am. I don’t want to be, but I am. Just like I know you don’t want to be sick. But you are. And I know you feel useless because of it. I know you feel like you’re a burden to me. That I’ve had to make some big sacrifice to achieve a relationship with you. I don’t blame you for that anymore than I blame Jesse for being an absent brother. That doesn’t mean I’m not angry that I missed out on having him as my big brother my whole life. It doesn’t mean you’re not angry that you got a cancer diagnosis. Life is just… really fucking hard sometimes.” As he was trying to explain how he was feeling, Brandon was sick again. For some reason, after the whole ordeal of the roadtrip and Brandon getting seriously sick in Idaho, this was where Merlin was going to well up and nearly burst into tears. “Fuck, baby, I’m sorry. If there was anything I could do to help you feel better, I’d fucking do it.”
Even if he was distracted, Brandon blindly reached over to find Merlin’s hand to hold, giving it a squeeze in lieu of being able to get words out yet. He soon sat back out of breath and dragged a handful of tissues from the box to wipe his mouth. “I’m going to the cuddle the fuck out of you when we get to bed tonight, just so you know. We’re tired. It was risky trying to navigate this hard emotional shit.” He gingerly tied the bag up and grabbed some more tissues so he could lean over to wipe Merlin’s tears. “I know you’re angry and upset about the adoption, even if you’ve accepted that it is what it is. I just wanna keep getting to know you and this is a huge part of you. You. Your identity, how you identify. Part of that identity is being upset that your life has felt like a lie so you need to find your way with it. I wanna be here to help you with it, just like you helped me back in Idaho. Even if I’m sick. Fuck. I really wish this shit had an off button. My issues aren’t less significant or relevant that yours just because you can see mine. A lot. You know you can talk to me about anything, right? You don’t need to bottle it up with me. Even when I’m sick. I can still listen.”
Sniffling, getting himself back under control, Merlin gave Brandon a smile. “I do know that. I don’t always know how to gather my tornado of thoughts in my head out into words but I want to talk to you about all of this. You’re helping me figure it out but I guess it’s going to take more time to work through it once I get there and see how I feel. I’m nervous about taking you there and nervous about seeing them. I’m nervous because you really don’t like being weak like this around… well, most people. Even Joan and Norm, until you knew you couldn’t hide it. You didn’t do that with me. Even before we were dating and you stayed over, you let me in and you trusted me with it. I know how hard that is for you. I want to protect that for you and I’m kinda nudging you into this situation I’m not even happy in myself. You’re in that window where you keep getting sick until you wipe yourself out and crash. I’m taking you home where my parents are fans of your show and you’ll have to crash in bunk beds. I’m not even joking. My room has bunks. And I’m passively angry at my folks and trying to work through that. Worrying about trying to help Wes before he ruins his life and get him away from what he’s trying to escape here. I know if he’s trying to escape it, it’s a big deal. But I love you and you have cancer. That is my priority, not just because I love you but because I’m on this roadtrip to help you.” He took Brandon’s hand, putting it on his thigh to give it a rub. “Try to relax a little and sleep if you can. I’m okay. Just overwhelmed and tired. I just wanna get there now.”
Brandon nodded, having a drink of water and resting his head back. He found the pillow that had slipped down the gap between the seat and the door, settling back now his stomach was roiling as much. “Bunk beds, huh? Who gets top?” he soon asked, smirking, giving Merlin’s sleeve a teasing tug.
Merlin had to snort in amusement at that, even if he was still trying to get over his burst of teariness. “Yeah, that’s the part I was going to try to work into the conversation before we got there. It’s going to be Wes. He was worried about me going to his place because his folks are, like, so religious they’re homophobic and they probably believe if I spend time with Wes, my gay cooties will rub off on him or some shit now I’m out as a sexuality they probably don’t believe is real. So, rather than me going over there to talk to him, he’s going to come to my folks’ place and stay with us until you’re up to hitting the road again. On the upside, it’s one of those bunks with the single on top and the double on the bottom. Dad turned Damien’s room into a study and there’s no bed in there and our guest room is full of boxes of shit. Sorry,” he added sheepishly. “Not at all contributing to helping you protect your privacy while you’re feeling poorly, am I?”
“I’ll survive. At least, I hope so. I’m not inflicting this chemo shit on myself only to drop dead from sharing a room with you and your bestie. It’s not like we’ve had a lot of windows to get naked and need that type of privacy. Please tell me the bathroom’s at least relatively near pr privacy might be the least of my worries,” Brandon groaned, scrunching his face up. “Probably also a good argument for Wes getting the top bunk.”
Merlin shook his head but he was still sporting a tired smirk. “Like, millionaire hot gay TV star has to sleep on bunk beds in the bible belt down South. Sounds like a pilot for a TV show in itself. I have an en-suite. Like, puny and you can barely have enough room to dry yourself but Damien and me used to share it, it connected our rooms. At least I can promise that Wes doesn’t snore. Can’t say the same about farting.”
“Pretty sure chemo means I’ll give him a run for his money on that front. Three dudes in one room, could get interesting if your room has good acoustics.” Brandon finally managed to settle in the seat again, resuming his spot curled up on his side, pulling the travel blanket tightly around him when he started feeling the cold again. He closed his eyes. “Don’t stress about shit like that. I just need a bed to crash in, preferably sharing with you. You’re just wearing yourself out unnecessarily…”
Merlin turned the music right down low, only a few notches above silent. Brandon’s words eased into softly mumbles and it wasn’t long before his body chilled long enough to let him sleep. It left Merlin alone with his thoughts. He was tired himself but with only a couple of hours left on the road until they made it to his hometown, he pushed on, swinging through a McDonalds drive-thru for a coffee and to get a Sprite for Brandon to sip on when he woke up. He spoke as quietly as he could so he didn’t wake Brandon, apologising to the chick at the window taking his order.
The two hours felt long and it was a relief when he drove through the town limits and wove through those familiar streets towards the home he grew up in. It felt different in ways he couldn’t put his finger on but he suspected a lot of it had to do with the guy sleeping beside him when he pulled into his parents’ drive. He switched off the ignition and took a few moments to himself, resting his head back against the seat with a weary sigh. He rubbed his eyes and scratched his head roughly to try to push away the tiredness of all the driving and then reached over to softly trail his fingertips through Brandon’s hair, not wanting to wake him too abruptly. “Brandon? Time to wake up. We’re here, darlin’.”
Brandon struggled to wake up so Merlin turned the overhead light on, leaving him to take however long he needed to wake up. He got out and went to get their bags out of the trunk, making sure nothing had fallen out of Brandon’s messenger bag where he kept all his meds and other medical shit he needed to take care of himself. He felt around in the side pocket for the fancy thermometer Brandon brought with him to keep an eye on any fevers. It was infrared and rapidly checked his temperature by holding the light to his forehead without touching it was. Medical technology was cool. But it meant Merlin had been able to check Brandon’s temperature along the way if he was too sick to put something in his mouth and didn’t want to wake him with beeps in his ear. Brandon was gradually dragging himself to wakefulness and Merlin quickly checked his temperature while he waited. It was up a little but not in the dangerzone range he knew to watch for.
“I’ve got raging headache,” Brandon mumbled, letting Merlin help him out of the car. “Everything’s aching.”
Merlin held up a couple of pills to Brandon’s lips and offered him the cup of Sprite that had gone flat by now. “Open up. You were due your pain meds an hour ago. Are you okay? I’ll figure something out if you’re not up to the whole Meet the Fockers thing tonight.” He wasn’t even sure his parents would recognise Brandon as he looked now. He was such a far-cry from Saxon, the character he played, he could probably pass him off as a random friend who had the flu or something. Whatever it took to dilute the impact of a shitty situation for Brandon. “Feel sick? You need to be in bed. Fuck.”
“I’m okay. I just need drugs.” Brandon popped the pills in his mouth and washed them down with the Sprite. “And a seat.”
Merlin nodded, closing the car door behind Brandon and putting the alarm on. “Here, I’ve got you. It’s only a few steps up to the door.” He wrangled their two bags on top of each other so he could carry them both at the same time and wrapped his free arm around Brandon’s waist. They just got up onto the porch when the front door flew open and Merlin’s mom bounced out with a smile, arms outstretched to her son.
“Merlin, my baby!” Molly Larson threw her arms around her youngest son, squeezing him for all of three beats before she laid eyes the person he had with him. Merlin’s contemplation that Brandon might evade detection flew out the window. She pulled out of the hug, doing a double-take with a squeak of surprise. “Oh my goodness! Tom!” she called for her husband.
Merlin’s dad was already right behind her out the door. “I’m right here, love.” He was usually a highly composed man, being a successful lawyer, albeit from a small town. His eyebrows shot up in surprise before he looked beyond the porch to Brandon’s red convertible and then his questioning gaze was turned to Merlin.
Brandon just pressed his lips together in a resolute smile, giving them both a bit of a wave when he spotted the exact moment they both recognised him. He got used to that look on people’s faces over the years, in random fan encounters when they couldn’t quite believe he was there in front of them in the flesh. He just wish this was in better circumstances when he could be more composed and could easily switch on the charisma mode.
“Mom, Dad… this is my b-- Brandon. Blake. Yes, the Brandon Blake.” Merlin was immediately giving himself a few internal whacks when he couldn’t get his brain to feed him logical sentences. Nerves mixed with tiredness mixed with anxiety mixed with residual anger over the adoption was cockblocking him. “H-He’s my… um, actually, can we just sit with a cuppa? There’s a few things I need to talk to you both about.”
Tom’s gaze narrowed only slightly at Merlin’s stammering. He cleared his throat and first offered his son his hand to shake and then pulled him into a secure hug. “It’s good to see you, son. How was the drive? Did you get a good run?”
“Come on in, out of the cold,” Merlin’s mom fussed, leading them all inside. She was flustered and took Merlin’s hand, giving it a squeeze. But once they were in the foyer of the house where the lighting was better, she was giving Brandon a scrutinising mom look. “Are you feeling well, sweetheart? You’re looking mighty pale. Is there anything I can get you? Goodness, if I knew we would be having a special guest, I would’ve cleaned up.” She touched her hair, trying to make sure it was in place and was holding back on all-out brimming with excitement, trying to keep herself in check because she was supposed to be a mom here.
“Mom… Mom, he wears makeup in-character. He’s not here to conduct a PR junket. Can you just put the kettle on?” Merlin tried to coax, taking his mom’s arm to try to get her to stop fussing over Brandon. She had always had those Supermom powers to know when something wasn’t right with her kids or when they were sick, so they were probably triggering into action here. She had never exactly been a helicopter mom or anything like that but she cared and had natural mom instincts and he didn’t want Brandon to feel awkward than everything already was.
Molly cupped her son’s face in her hands and littered his cheeks, nose and forehead with soft kisses. “I’m ahead of you, baby boy. Kettle’s boiled. I’ll just get the tea brewing. You two go sit and relax. It’s been a long drive. You must be exhausted.”
Merlin didn’t expect himself to feel so on-edge during these initial moments of trying to not-so-subtly ease Brandon into his parents’ orbit without the least amount of fuss as possible. The harder part would be trying to tell them Brandon wasn’t there as just a celeb Merlin happened to meet through his Broadway connections and they randomly decided to take a roadtrip across the country for the hell of it. He had to figure out how to get the B-word - BOYfriend - transmitted to them along with the fact Brandon had the The Big C and all of the above was seriously private and confidential. Merlin hoped he could manage it without his head splitting in two with another raging migraine.
“Let’s go take a load off,” he said to Brandon with a smile, gesturing to the door across the foyer into the livingroom. The words felt clinical, without endearments, non-platonic. He didn’t like that feeling when the true feelings of love and concern for Brandon were right there beneath the surface.
Brandon was conscious of what was going on here and naturally, he was worried about Merlin. He was on edge and anxious and Brandon knew Merlin was trying to protect him. It was sweet but it was zapping energy Merlin probably didn’t have. All he wanted to do was give him a cuddle, promise him it would be okay. It was just not an easy collision course to navigate at all, especially when Merlin had a lot of unresolved sadness and anger finding out he was adopted. There were family photos displayed all over the house and he desperately wanted to see Merlin as a little person, but that would have to wait.
They sat on the sofa - together - and Brandon nearly took Merlin’s hand, a reflexive action now they had gotten used to being in close proximity to each other constantly. Brandon could feel Mr Larson’s eyes on him from where he took the armchair by the crackling open fireplace. It was cosy and welcoming but beside him, Merlin was still tense and fidgety. “It’s nice to meet you, Mr Larson. Sorry for the late arrival. I was--”
“I had a bit of a migraine. We had to stop,” Merlin jumped in and then immediately shot Brandon an apologetic glance. He needed to ease into this the right way and if he was going to do it, he wanted both his parents there. His dad was a lawyer, extensively trained in reading between the lines. His brain was probably working overtime right now to figure out how the hell his son had come to bring this extensively famous television star into their modest family home in South Carolina. The thing was, Merlin was still trying to figure that one out himself.
Tom smiled with a dismissive sweep of his hand. “It’s no bother to us. I know Molly would’ve gladly stayed up all night to wait. She’s never been able to shake the empty nester habits. I must say, neither of us expected Merlin to arrive with such a distinguished guest. Makes me curious about what he’s been up. His emails haven’t been as newsy since…” He trailed off and his green eyes trailed to his son, a hint of sadness in them to match his tone.
Merlin scratched his forehead, nose scrunching a little. “Dad, I work with Justin Campbell. I meet people like Brandon all the time.” That was only half-accurate. He did meet people being attached to Justin but he was just as big a fangirl about them as the next person. Brandon was under his skin before he could find his feet and remember he was just a normal guy under the flashy facade. He knew what his dad was about to say too. ’Since the adoption came to light’. Or, to be more accurate, since Merlin showed up half-drunk and in hysterical tears with blood test results showing he was a blood group that could not possibly have come from his parents. That was the last time he had been to South Carolina, when Jesse flew in to help him because he lost his shit so badly and didn’t know how to cope with it. It was in this room where the shit hit the fan. “To be fair, though, I didn’t really meet Brandon through work. It was just a random moment in London.”
“London? How lovely! How did you meet, sweetheart?” Molly asked, coming back with the tray of tea and what looked like half the cookie aisle from the grocery store. “Now, I didn’t know if Brandon liked milk or cream or what cookies he liked. But white chocolate and raspberry for you, kiddo.” She gave Merlin one of the cookies that had been his favourite forever and ruffled his hair, kissing the top of his head before she took the other recliner.
Brandon looked at the generously stocked tea tray, or the stack of cookies to be more exact, and his stomach reminded him it probably wasn’t a good idea to even get in smelling distance of them. He put his hand to his face and scratched his nose, sitting back a little. “Just black for me, Mrs Larson. Thank you. Like Merlin said, it’s late. You really didn’t have to go to all this trouble.”
Merlin’s eyes were on the cookie between his fingers. He was sitting forward, elbows resting on his knees. “Brandon’s my boyfriend!” he abruptly blurted out when everything converged inside him and he couldn’t keep up the ruse any longer. It was like trying to dance around a giant pink elephant in the room, one that his parents were oblivious to but impacted on every single little thing Merlin was tackling here, including his favourite cookie that he knew had to be turning Brandon’s stomach, just like most other foods were. He looked up at his parents, anxiety bubbling over but alleviating a little now he got that out there. “He is. He’s my boyfriend. I love him. It’s got nothing to do with him being a TV star. And none of that can go beyond this room.”
Both of Merlin’s parents were still and quiet for all of a few moments, but they felt like a lifetime to Merlin. And then from Tom, “You owe me twenty dollars, Mols.”
Molly smirked, shaking her head. “No deal. You said girlfriend.”
Merlin tossed the cookie back onto the plate and rubbed his hands over his face. “Can we just… shit,” he swore, shaking his head wondering if he should have slept on all this before telling his parents. It was out there now and it was time to face at least some of the things he had been stressing about in recent months. “Did either of you really expect me to arrive with a boyfriend? Just answer me honestly, please.”
Brandon nibbled the inner corner of his lip, listening to the exchange. He couldn’t see much of Merlin’s face where he was sitting back in the sofa, fatigue blanketing him again. He didn’t know how any of the dynamic with Merlin and his parents or how any of this could play out. He briefly rubbed Merlin’s back because a little corner of his brain went, ‘Fuck it’ and he shifted forward to take his hand, giving it a little squeeze to remind him he was there for him. It was the first PDA his parents would see their youngest son having with another guy but it had to start somewhere. He gave Mr and Mrs Larson a faint smile as if to say, ‘No joke, this is legit.’
“We thought it might’ve been Cassidy,” Molly admitted with an apologetic smile. “But that doesn’t mean we think bad of this, sweetheart. Of course we don’t. How could we? Brandon’s a beautiful boy. I don’t think you would’ve brought him here if it wasn’t important to you. This is exciting! I promise, our lips are sealed. Even if the girls at work would just die if they knew.”
Merlin bit his lip, giving his head a head. “No, Mom. No. We’re not going to be here long enough anyway. You don’t get it.” He started to pour the tea, just to give himself something to do with his hands or he would be up and pacing restlessly. “Cas has a boyfriend. Tori. He understudies with us. I told you that.”
“Son, we know you’ve still been working through things since the last time you were here. We didn’t want to push you or rush you. Even if we tried to make the right choices for you all your life, we know we made mistakes. But there are mistakes we don’t want to make as parents and can stop ourselves before we do. Like trying to learn about our child’s sexuality so he doesn’t have to feel even more disconnected from us than he already does,” Tom tried to explain, sharing a gaze with his wife. “We thought you might be on a trip with someone you were dating, and that could be a girlfriend or a boyfriend. Just not that it might be someone famous we watch on TV each week that we might have to keep a secret.”
“That’s not my sexuality. I’m not bi.” Merlin handed Brandon a cup of tea and in his distracted state, poured way too much cream in his and lost count of the sugars he was spooning into it. “It could’ve just stopped at ‘Someone I was dating’. Which is exactly what pansexuality is. Attraction to people, for who they are, not what they are. But y’all can’t deny it’d be easier for you if I came home with a girl on my arm. The fact Brandon has a penis might be just a lil’ easier to swallow ‘cause he’s famous. Which ain’t why I’m hiding, by the way. I ain’t ashamed of him and I ain’t ashamed of my sexuality. I’m proud of it. I don’t care who in this damn town knows about or give a damn what they think about it.”
Merlin’s edginess seemed to be making his Southern drawl come through thicker. Or it could be because he home. Brandon knew that could happen with folk who lived away from home, their accents diluted a little. “Can I just cut in here because none of this is about Merlin wanting to hide anything or not knowing how to reveal it. Actually, I think he would shout it from a rooftop with crystal clear clarity and pride. He came on the road trip with me because I needed help. The reason for the secrecy is that I’m under contractual obligations with my production company to be branded and marketed a certain way for the show. Which happens to be heterosexual, which I’m not. I signed these some years ago before I really knew who I was. I was seventeen when they signed me. Now, I could fight to break these contracts but it could be disastrous for my career and I’m not really in a position to be able to battle a nasty case in court right now. Merlin’s been really supportive of these challenges but I know he gets the raw end of the deal.”
Merlin shook his head. “No, I don’t. There’s a raw end of the deal but it’s got nothing to do with our relationship and it’s not me that has it. Besides, I knew and accepted all this before we kicked off our relationship.” He put his tea cup down and rested his hand on Brandon’s knee, gathering his thoughts. “When Brandon and I first met, we connected over the fact we were both adopted. We were both wrestling with personal stuff.”
“Merlin, sweetie, I know you’re angry. I know now that we should’ve told you sooner. And I know Dad and I don’t fully comprehend how you must be feeling with any of it. We want to. We wish we could just know so you don’t have to keep going over it when it hurts you. But I want you to know something. We would never deny you falling in love with anyone. We know that if you have, they must be a very special person because you love deeply and unconditionally. That seems to have gone another level with Brandon because of these challenges he has with his public life. We love you no matter who you want to have in your as a partner and we want to get to know them when you do.” Molly paused and gave Brandon a smile. She sat forward and leaned over to give her son’s arm a little affectionate pat. “No matter what’s going on in the rest of our town, their opinions ain’t a factor in how we love our sons. Those are decisions for us to make and no one else to have a damn opinion on. We do wanna understand, baby. You just need to work with us a little to help us. I understand that’s hard because you’re still angry at us and you could be for years to come. Maybe even ever. I guess you understand that too, Brandon? Being adopted yourself.”
Brandon had been watching Merlin’s face to see how he was processing this but it was hard to know. This was one time Merlin’s heart definitely wasn’t on his sleeve. It was locked up inside in an attempt not to get hurt more. He wet his lips and cleared his throat. “Ah, no. Very much not the same situation. Neither my biological parents nor my adoptive parents were in a position to really… er, care how they probably should’ve.” He re-listened to those words play in his head, hoping they came out sounding okay and didn’t further complicate Merlin’s situation here.
Merlin brushed his thumb over Brandon’s knuckles, hearing Brandon’s attempt at fancy footwork to avoid talking about his own life here. It was a can of worms Brandon wouldn’t be up to rehashing tonight, he knew that. “I don’t know how to, Mom,” he sighed, giving his parents a helpless shrug. “I didn’t know who the hell I was after all that happened and I’m only just started to work it out. You forget that I didn’t just find out y’all didn’t birth me. I had to learn who did, when I already knew what she did to Jess. Practically ran him outta this place because he was gay, trying to make him marry a girl just ‘cause they wanted to appear picture-perfect hetero champs to the church. All the while, fucking hiding the fact she birthed me and I was living a few fucking blocks away from me, blocking me from knowing my real brother. Just like y’all did. And if you’re wondering if any of that made me pansexual, it’s a no. I’ve always been pansexual, I just didn’t get through puberty quick enough to work it out.”
“I knew we should’ve told him,” Tom murmured, rubbing his fingers over his mouth. “I said this about Jesse. That he should have the chance to know both his brothers.”
“We did what we thought was best at the time,” Molly said, voice shaky with a hint that tears were threatening.
Merlin held up his hand, the one that wasn’t now gripped tightly around Brandon’s. “Wait, what? You thought about telling me when? Before I was born? When I was a kid? When I was wetting the bed and everyone thought it was because I was being picked on at school by other kids for being different when it was really just because my brain was in overdrive? Or maybe when everyone around me was hitting puberty and I was behind the whole fucking world and Damien was too busy to talk to me about it. Do you think maybe I could’ve used a big brother to talk to then? How many times did you look at me when I was losing my fucking shit with ADHD meltdowns and wish you didn’t sign those papers at the hospital?”
Molly sniffled and dabbed her eyes briefly with a napkin. “We didn’t say we think it was the best thing anymore, baby. We thought you might’ve been treated worse if you did know and you had to feel different your whole life because of it.”
“But Dad wanted to tell me and you didn’t? Because you made the deal without him,” Merlin said softly but there was a stiffness in his words, held back anger intermeshed with tiredness.
“It wasn’t as simple as that, son. It was--” Tom began.
Brandon had to cut him off. He shoved his cup into Merlin’s hand, pushing up from the sofa. “I-I need the bathroom,” he warned, already moving towards the door.
“Door after the stairs, darlin’,” Merlin said quickly, skillfully knowing what that urgency in Brandon’s voice meant by now. He watched him bolt out the door but it was a sobering reminder and grounded Merlin from his escalating anger from a few moments before. He sighed and hung his head, massaging his forehead with his fingertips.
“Was it something we said?” Tom asked, hearing the bathroom door close sharply up the hall.
“Should I go and check if he needs help?” Molly asked quietly, concerned.
No matter what happened with his adoption, Merlin never denied his mom and dad were excellent parents. He wasn’t surprised his mom’s maternal instinct was kicking in with Brandon’s abrupt departure from the room. It could only mean one thing to a mother - one end or the other. “Um... “ he began but he wasn’t sure what to say right off. Instead, the lump returned to his throat and he teared up too, everything suddenly feeling like so much. “You can’t help, Mom. Brandon’s sick. It’s side effects... from chemotherapy,” he revealed, voice shaking with tears slipping down his cheeks.
“Oh, my baby,” Molly whispered, putting her hand to her chest. She got up and went over to envelope her son in a hug. She patted his back and kissed his head. “I’m so sorry.”
Tom fetched a couple of bottles of water from the kitchen. He pulled up an ottoman and in front of his wife and son, offering Merlin one of the bottles. Sometimes, being a dad was really damn hard, usually when you felt helpless because you couldn’t stop the hurt your child was suffering. “How serious is it, son? No matter what’s happening, you can talk to us. We’re here for you, even if it feels like we betrayed you.”
Merlin’s wiped his cheeks with the backs of his fingers. The crying was just a result of trying to hold it all together to take care of Brandon, bottling all this adoption stuff up. There had been emotional times with Brandon since they started dating and they had cried together. This was different. This was just the top blowing, the emotions erupting when everything all at once was just a little too much. “He has leukemia, an aggressive form. He’s having chemo to try to slow down the progress but it can’t cure the type he has. He needs a bone marrow transplant, so they need to find a match. Or a partial match. If he doesn’t get it, he’ll die. There’s no doubt about that. And even if they find a match, his body could still reject the transplant and the graft could fail. So, I meet the love of my life and he’s one step from being terminally ill. He has no biological family so it’s almost impossible to find an optimal match, which lessens his chances of survival off the bat. It’s a waiting game but he doesn’t have the best odds in his favour. Very few people know he’s sick, it’s not public knowledge either. I should check on him. He’s probably going to need to go to bed. Being sick wipes him out.”
Molly softly stroked Merlin’s cheek, wiping the tears with her thumb. “I’ll go turn the bed down for him. I want you to keep talking to us, baby. About any of this, about all of it. We want to help you and by default, that includes Brandon. Promise me you can try to do that? Just try. That’s all.”
“Okay,” Merlin murmured, nodding. “I just don’t always know what to say or how to say it.”
Tom offered his son a faint smile. “That’s not a new concept for you, son. Take your time. And we’re just a shout away if you need any help. Merlin, we love you, kiddo.”
“More than life,” Molly confirmed, ruffling Merlin’s hair.
LOG, COMPLETE
What: Larson Family Business
Where: Heading for South Carolina
When: After this
It had been a rough day on the road but they got a solid run through Tennessee and into Georgia. They both agreed it would be good if they could get to Merlin’s hometown without another stop, even if it meant they might arrive late. Merlin sent his mom a text and told her they wouldn’t make dinner like she hoped, but his folks were fine if they arrived after dark, they would wait up for him however long it took. Merlin preferred if they did arrive after dark because there was less chance of drawing attention to Brandon’s black Maserati convertible, not exactly the type of car you saw often - maybe ever - in his hometown. They could park it in the garage where it wouldn’t draw any attention.
So far, all Merlin had told them was he was on a roadtrip with a friend (it was Brandon’s turn in the fake friends-zone, even if Merlin only intended for it to be briefly) and he was detouring via SC on their drive home to pick Wes up, who was coming to stay with Merlin in New York for awhile. At this point, no parental units needed to know Wes wanted to make the move permanently.
Trying to distract themselves from the last leg of of this trip dragging out in their impatience to get there, they had a power-ballad sing-along where Merlin heard how amazing Brandon’s voice was in the flesh. For some reason, he always assumed there was a lot of autotuning of his voice when his character performed the big numbers at the rock concerts with his band but he learned during that conversation that all the musical numbers on the show were performed live, they just dubbed a clearer recording of the song over it for the sake of TV clarity. Merlin liked that they had music in common but Brandon lost his wind singing along and started to look weary and nauseated again.
In the passenger’s seat, Brandon loosened his seatbelt and shifted positions - again, for about the millionth time since they left Idaho - so he was sitting sideways on the seat, his legs tucked up and his head nursed against the headrest. He watched Merlin driving for a few moments and took a deep breath, letting it out slowly. But despite his best against, some deep breathing wasn’t helpful in alleviate nausea. “What’s your family like? I mean, before you moved to New York or found out you were adopted?”
Merlin glanced over at Brandon and reached to give a chaste stroke to his hair with his fingertips. It was a huge question but he knew Brandon could use the distraction. “Wow, okay. Um… well, conventional, I suppose? Simple. My mom is my dad’s second marriage. He’s an attorney and she was his paralegal. His first wife cheated on him. My older brother was Jesse’s best friend, which is why everything felt so fucked up when I discovered the adoption. I was always getting into mischief because of the ADHD. I was diagnosed when I was eight and they didn’t medicate me straight away. Having to sit still in church was a nightmare for me, so I never really liked it. It was boring and felt uncomfortable. Which is why I didn’t really stick to the family’s religious faith. Then they stuck me on Adderall and I could start to focus on this more. They encouraged my love of music and performing was a good outlet for excess energy.”
“They were good to you? They didn’t treat you differently because you were adopted or anything?” Brandon asked and turned the music down a little so he could concentrate on what Merlin was saying. “I noticed that since you spoke to Wesley and knew we were going to South Carolina, you’ve been a little quiet and confused about it. I just wanted to make sure you’re okay.”
Merlin raised his eyebrows at the question, realising he hadn’t thought about it like that before. “No… they never treated me differently. I never had even the slightest clue I was different to them. I guess that’s why it was such a shock when I found out. It’s been playing on my mind. Sorry, I haven’t been too distant, have I? I talked to Jesse about it a little. I just overthink a lot when I let my mind go to the adoption. It’s weird because I’ve been telling myself since I got back to the US that I had to go home for a visit, let my folks eyeball me and see I’m healthy and okay. I didn’t realise I was avoiding doing it until I now have to go there for other reasons. I don’t think they understand the enormity of what I went through finding out I was adopted, which makes me worried they won’t understand how it led to me questioning my whole identity, including my sexuality which has led me here… dating a guy who is seriously ill and just happens to be one of the biggest TV stars in the world right now. They don’t understand what pansexuality is.”
Brandon put his hand on Merlin’s thigh with a little pat. “Are you not ready for me to meet them? You just have to say the word if you aren’t. I don’t want you trying to jump hurdles you aren’t ready for. This has never been a I have to meet your family because you met mine. You know my situation is complicated. You came with me because I’m sick and really needed your help but you don’t have to reciprocate if you’re not ready. You can take whatever time you need to adjust your identity and where our relationship fits into that. It won’t impact on our relationship in any… oh god--” His stomach lurched, cutting him off.
“Pull over?” Merlin asked quickly, trying to keep his eyes on the road and check if Brandon was okay at the same.
“Yeah,” Brandon got out, clamping a hand over his mouth and already undoing his seatbelt, wrangling his way out of it with one hand. Merlin hit the indicator and peeled off onto the verge. Brandon made it a few steps away from the car before he threw up and then straightened up once he was done, hand on his hip while he tried to catch his breath and the other holding his stomach that was burning with pain. Merlin got out with him, always at the ready to help with whatever Brandon needed when he had no choice but to submit to the side effects. “Sorry. I don’t know if I’m done yet.”
Merlin had the travel pack of tissues and a bottle of water waiting. “It’s okay. Here, sit down. We’ll wait it out.” He lead Brandon to the steel barrier to sit on. Not the most comfortable seat but it would take the weight of his legs. He sometimes got dizzy after being sick and Merlin didn’t want him to fall over. Brandon had the clammy sweats again so Merlin tipped a little of the water onto some Kleenex and wiped his face. Just as he was, Brandon starting vomiting again and Merlin raked his hair out of his face. “That blue Gatorade sure makes for an interesting re-run, huh? Matches your car.”
“Oh, jesus,” Brandon said with a bit of a choked laugh. Merlin always had this way of reassuring him that he was okay with this, it wasn’t a bother to him. He wasn’t making light of anything, just empathising, reminding Brandon he was there to help him. But he also had this cheeky sense of humour Brandon loved. It was exactly what he needed in these moments this battle with cancer weighed heavily on him, impacting on every-fucking-thing in his life. He was soon leaning over coughing again, stomach spasming. “Fuck, don’t make me laugh. I was trying to have a deep and meaningful chat with you to make sure you were okay, and here we are again. Chucking on the side of the road. I just don’t want you to feel you have to introduce me to your family because I introduced you to mine. Maybe this me isn’t the best version to dump on them straight up.” He took some tissues, holding them to his mouth while he caught his breath.
Merlin perched on the rail beside Brandon. “Well, I’m probably about to make you feel even more sick but… I want you to meet them. I don’t know what the outcome will be and it might be, um… well, they watch your show, so… awkward? I’ve been thinking about this non-stop since we left Idaho and even more excessive overthinking when you’ve been sleeping and you’re just reminding me how easily I fell in love with you. Something that happened that easily can’t be wrong for me. It might not be certain people’s definition of conventional but I’ve never wanted to be conventional. Conventional to me is just another way of saying you’re forcing people into one way of life, which is everything that aggravates me about religion to begin with. I might be going back home changed but I’m still going back home as me and this you’re a part of the new me. So, que sera sera?”
“I thought maybe you didn’t want me to meet them but you weren’t sure how to tell me. It’s got to be hard talking to me when I’m like this.” Brandon had some of the water Merlin gave him, rinsing his mouth first and then working on some slow sips. He had been eating okay earlier in the day but taking the chemo meds with lunch, it had been making for nauseated afternoons leading to the worst of the sickness in the evenings. “Have we got far to to go?”
Merlin put his arm around Brandon and kissed his temple. “Not that, darlin’. It was more me trying to decide if I was ready to see them or not yet. I knew deep down if I decided to, you were going to be with me. I wouldn’t want it any other way. I take a long time to reason things out. My brain bounces around like a freaking jack rabbit. It’s the ADHD. It can be exhausting. Plus, I’m worried about Wes. He drinks a lot and uses drugs. Party drugs or uppers. Then to come down so he can sleep during the day after work, he smokes weed.” He shook his head, watching some cars sweeping past. “We’ve crossed the border. About a lil’ under two hours to my place from here. Still could feel like a lot if your spewy feeling’s back. Want me to get the plastic bags out of the trunk?”
“I love you. You have the biggest fucking heart in the universe but you take so much energy taking care of everyone else, you don’t see how much you need the TLC too. Are you scared of what your parents will think of all this?” Brandon nodded and offered Merlin his hand to help him stand up. “Let’s do that. I might try to sleep a little, if I can. Will you be okay or are you going to overthink and stress out on me? I want to talk to you about all this stuff. I just can’t stop myself being sick long enough and it’s frustrating as fuck.”
Merlin helped Brandon stand carefully, making sure they both side-stepped the mess. “You trying to sleep is an excellent idea. I don’t think it’ll make you feel any more refreshed getting there but you might sleep through some of the worst of it. You can have a shower when we get to the house if you’re feeling up to it.” Brandon got back into the car and Merlin dug out the calico bag of plastic bags Joan had given them before they left to have on hand if Brandon got sick in the car. Most of the times, he needed to stop anyway. To get some air, stop moving for a bit, catch his breath, or go to the bathroom. He got back in the car and tucked the bags down by Brandon’s feet. “I’m not scared of what my folks will think. They can think whatever they like. It won’t make me less queer or less in love with you. It might piss me off if they seem to have difficulties accepting it. I don’t think they will. None of this is about you, I promise you that. It’s the adoption and feeling disconnected from my family. But I’m nervous because I have a feeling they probably haven’t seriously entertained the idea I would date guys and you being you. I think it’s best to just go at it all like ripping off a band-aid because I get all rambling and tongue-tied trying to explain stuff when I’m emotional or angry. You know the weird part? My older brother’s gay.”
“Seriously? I don’t think you mentioned that before. You haven’t talked of him much at all, only Jesse. But I can tell there’s estrangement there. Did you guys have a fight? Or did he and Jesse have a fight or something?” Brandon asked, his plans to try to sleep being shelved even just while Merlin was chatting to him. He took one of the plastic bags out and stuck it under his thigh so he could grab it quickly if he needed it.
“That travel sickness candy is in the glove compartment, darlin’. Try sucking on those, it might take the edge off a little,” Merlin suggested, watching the traffic for a gap he could pull out into. “Serious. You know Scott, who Autumn hooked up with? Damien was engaged to his younger brother, Liam. My folks were okay with him being gay. Damien still felt the small town stifling and there was inevitable judgment. He wanted to pursue a music career, which is why he moved to New York. We never really had a disastrous falling out. Things just became distant and it got worse when I found out I was adopted. Jesse was there for me and Damien wasn’t. He left New York when things failed with Liam. Liam’s a rape survivor so he has intimacy issues sometimes. I think Damien wanted to save him from himself and Liam wanted a fiance, not a hero. A messy situation, really. The point is, I think Mom and Dad even got what being gay was. But me, I’m not even conventionally gay. I’m not even half-gay, bi.”
Brandon smiled when Merlin directed him to the glove compartment. He was always trying to help him, even in little ways, to get through this. It was sweet. He found the box Merlin was talking about and tossed a couple of the lozenges into his mouth. “Wow. It’s a small world. Were you close to Damien before all this happened? Before either of you moved to New York?”
Merlin nodded and his response hurt. He couldn’t quite reason out where all that went wrong and he didn’t want to dwell on it. “I always just told myself if he came back, I’d deal with it it then. Our family was tight, then everything changed. I sent Damien an email and asked him if he knew I was adopted and he never replied.” He shrugged, really wanting to feel indifference but he still didn’t understand what happened there. “We were always really different. Guess that makes sense now we know we’re not blood-related. Now that people know, people really think I’m like Jess, which is a massive compliment. I love him and he’s got such a beautiful soul, it’s an honour people think I’m like him.”
“Do you think that’s why you still feel really angry and struggling with your family, because you resent that none of them told you and gave you the chance to choose to have a relationship with Jesse?” Brandon just wanted to sit and talk uninterrupted with his boyfriend about these things, listen to Merlin talk about anything he needed to. The feeling sick was getting in the way and he felt like he was letting him down but he didn’t want to end up throwing up all over the car. He loosened the seatbelt so he could sit forward, leaning over to rest his arm on the dash to pillow his head against his elbow, the plastic bag open in his lap. He was desperately trying to will his gut not to need it but he didn’t trust his body on chemo at all anymore. He took some deep breaths, trying to will it to just pass. “Do you think we would’ve gotten this close if we didn’t leave New York? If you didn’t...”
Merlin rubbed Brandon’s back, always sympathetic to what he was trying to battle. The difficult part that Brandon had an aggressive cancer, which meant his medical team were treating it aggressively. This was the fallout of that. It was partly why he was anxious about going home to his family in South Carolina. Brandon clearly and obviously wasn’t well, he couldn’t control it, and took its toll. These were, to Merlin, the bigger fish to fry in this situation. For some reason, no matter how sick he was feeling, Brandon still had a knack for some curly questions. “If I didn’t have to take care of you? Well, you still would’ve been this sick in New York and I wouldn’t leave you to deal with that alone. It might not have happened how it did but we still would’ve had time together, talking because you were too ill to so much else. Do I think we would’ve gotten close if you didn’t have cancer? You do. You had it when we met, even if you didn’t know it yet. Because of that, because you had been feeling sick and exhausted, you didn’t want to go back into that event and when you saw me, suggested we get a coffee and go for a walk. We wouldn’t have met if you hadn’t been sick. We don’t need to think about those what-ifs. This is what has happened, it’s what we got. So, do I really have a right to be angry over what-ifs with Jesse? No. Not practically. But I am. I don’t want to be, but I am. Just like I know you don’t want to be sick. But you are. And I know you feel useless because of it. I know you feel like you’re a burden to me. That I’ve had to make some big sacrifice to achieve a relationship with you. I don’t blame you for that anymore than I blame Jesse for being an absent brother. That doesn’t mean I’m not angry that I missed out on having him as my big brother my whole life. It doesn’t mean you’re not angry that you got a cancer diagnosis. Life is just… really fucking hard sometimes.” As he was trying to explain how he was feeling, Brandon was sick again. For some reason, after the whole ordeal of the roadtrip and Brandon getting seriously sick in Idaho, this was where Merlin was going to well up and nearly burst into tears. “Fuck, baby, I’m sorry. If there was anything I could do to help you feel better, I’d fucking do it.”
Even if he was distracted, Brandon blindly reached over to find Merlin’s hand to hold, giving it a squeeze in lieu of being able to get words out yet. He soon sat back out of breath and dragged a handful of tissues from the box to wipe his mouth. “I’m going to the cuddle the fuck out of you when we get to bed tonight, just so you know. We’re tired. It was risky trying to navigate this hard emotional shit.” He gingerly tied the bag up and grabbed some more tissues so he could lean over to wipe Merlin’s tears. “I know you’re angry and upset about the adoption, even if you’ve accepted that it is what it is. I just wanna keep getting to know you and this is a huge part of you. You. Your identity, how you identify. Part of that identity is being upset that your life has felt like a lie so you need to find your way with it. I wanna be here to help you with it, just like you helped me back in Idaho. Even if I’m sick. Fuck. I really wish this shit had an off button. My issues aren’t less significant or relevant that yours just because you can see mine. A lot. You know you can talk to me about anything, right? You don’t need to bottle it up with me. Even when I’m sick. I can still listen.”
Sniffling, getting himself back under control, Merlin gave Brandon a smile. “I do know that. I don’t always know how to gather my tornado of thoughts in my head out into words but I want to talk to you about all of this. You’re helping me figure it out but I guess it’s going to take more time to work through it once I get there and see how I feel. I’m nervous about taking you there and nervous about seeing them. I’m nervous because you really don’t like being weak like this around… well, most people. Even Joan and Norm, until you knew you couldn’t hide it. You didn’t do that with me. Even before we were dating and you stayed over, you let me in and you trusted me with it. I know how hard that is for you. I want to protect that for you and I’m kinda nudging you into this situation I’m not even happy in myself. You’re in that window where you keep getting sick until you wipe yourself out and crash. I’m taking you home where my parents are fans of your show and you’ll have to crash in bunk beds. I’m not even joking. My room has bunks. And I’m passively angry at my folks and trying to work through that. Worrying about trying to help Wes before he ruins his life and get him away from what he’s trying to escape here. I know if he’s trying to escape it, it’s a big deal. But I love you and you have cancer. That is my priority, not just because I love you but because I’m on this roadtrip to help you.” He took Brandon’s hand, putting it on his thigh to give it a rub. “Try to relax a little and sleep if you can. I’m okay. Just overwhelmed and tired. I just wanna get there now.”
Brandon nodded, having a drink of water and resting his head back. He found the pillow that had slipped down the gap between the seat and the door, settling back now his stomach was roiling as much. “Bunk beds, huh? Who gets top?” he soon asked, smirking, giving Merlin’s sleeve a teasing tug.
Merlin had to snort in amusement at that, even if he was still trying to get over his burst of teariness. “Yeah, that’s the part I was going to try to work into the conversation before we got there. It’s going to be Wes. He was worried about me going to his place because his folks are, like, so religious they’re homophobic and they probably believe if I spend time with Wes, my gay cooties will rub off on him or some shit now I’m out as a sexuality they probably don’t believe is real. So, rather than me going over there to talk to him, he’s going to come to my folks’ place and stay with us until you’re up to hitting the road again. On the upside, it’s one of those bunks with the single on top and the double on the bottom. Dad turned Damien’s room into a study and there’s no bed in there and our guest room is full of boxes of shit. Sorry,” he added sheepishly. “Not at all contributing to helping you protect your privacy while you’re feeling poorly, am I?”
“I’ll survive. At least, I hope so. I’m not inflicting this chemo shit on myself only to drop dead from sharing a room with you and your bestie. It’s not like we’ve had a lot of windows to get naked and need that type of privacy. Please tell me the bathroom’s at least relatively near pr privacy might be the least of my worries,” Brandon groaned, scrunching his face up. “Probably also a good argument for Wes getting the top bunk.”
Merlin shook his head but he was still sporting a tired smirk. “Like, millionaire hot gay TV star has to sleep on bunk beds in the bible belt down South. Sounds like a pilot for a TV show in itself. I have an en-suite. Like, puny and you can barely have enough room to dry yourself but Damien and me used to share it, it connected our rooms. At least I can promise that Wes doesn’t snore. Can’t say the same about farting.”
“Pretty sure chemo means I’ll give him a run for his money on that front. Three dudes in one room, could get interesting if your room has good acoustics.” Brandon finally managed to settle in the seat again, resuming his spot curled up on his side, pulling the travel blanket tightly around him when he started feeling the cold again. He closed his eyes. “Don’t stress about shit like that. I just need a bed to crash in, preferably sharing with you. You’re just wearing yourself out unnecessarily…”
Merlin turned the music right down low, only a few notches above silent. Brandon’s words eased into softly mumbles and it wasn’t long before his body chilled long enough to let him sleep. It left Merlin alone with his thoughts. He was tired himself but with only a couple of hours left on the road until they made it to his hometown, he pushed on, swinging through a McDonalds drive-thru for a coffee and to get a Sprite for Brandon to sip on when he woke up. He spoke as quietly as he could so he didn’t wake Brandon, apologising to the chick at the window taking his order.
The two hours felt long and it was a relief when he drove through the town limits and wove through those familiar streets towards the home he grew up in. It felt different in ways he couldn’t put his finger on but he suspected a lot of it had to do with the guy sleeping beside him when he pulled into his parents’ drive. He switched off the ignition and took a few moments to himself, resting his head back against the seat with a weary sigh. He rubbed his eyes and scratched his head roughly to try to push away the tiredness of all the driving and then reached over to softly trail his fingertips through Brandon’s hair, not wanting to wake him too abruptly. “Brandon? Time to wake up. We’re here, darlin’.”
Brandon struggled to wake up so Merlin turned the overhead light on, leaving him to take however long he needed to wake up. He got out and went to get their bags out of the trunk, making sure nothing had fallen out of Brandon’s messenger bag where he kept all his meds and other medical shit he needed to take care of himself. He felt around in the side pocket for the fancy thermometer Brandon brought with him to keep an eye on any fevers. It was infrared and rapidly checked his temperature by holding the light to his forehead without touching it was. Medical technology was cool. But it meant Merlin had been able to check Brandon’s temperature along the way if he was too sick to put something in his mouth and didn’t want to wake him with beeps in his ear. Brandon was gradually dragging himself to wakefulness and Merlin quickly checked his temperature while he waited. It was up a little but not in the dangerzone range he knew to watch for.
“I’ve got raging headache,” Brandon mumbled, letting Merlin help him out of the car. “Everything’s aching.”
Merlin held up a couple of pills to Brandon’s lips and offered him the cup of Sprite that had gone flat by now. “Open up. You were due your pain meds an hour ago. Are you okay? I’ll figure something out if you’re not up to the whole Meet the Fockers thing tonight.” He wasn’t even sure his parents would recognise Brandon as he looked now. He was such a far-cry from Saxon, the character he played, he could probably pass him off as a random friend who had the flu or something. Whatever it took to dilute the impact of a shitty situation for Brandon. “Feel sick? You need to be in bed. Fuck.”
“I’m okay. I just need drugs.” Brandon popped the pills in his mouth and washed them down with the Sprite. “And a seat.”
Merlin nodded, closing the car door behind Brandon and putting the alarm on. “Here, I’ve got you. It’s only a few steps up to the door.” He wrangled their two bags on top of each other so he could carry them both at the same time and wrapped his free arm around Brandon’s waist. They just got up onto the porch when the front door flew open and Merlin’s mom bounced out with a smile, arms outstretched to her son.
“Merlin, my baby!” Molly Larson threw her arms around her youngest son, squeezing him for all of three beats before she laid eyes the person he had with him. Merlin’s contemplation that Brandon might evade detection flew out the window. She pulled out of the hug, doing a double-take with a squeak of surprise. “Oh my goodness! Tom!” she called for her husband.
Merlin’s dad was already right behind her out the door. “I’m right here, love.” He was usually a highly composed man, being a successful lawyer, albeit from a small town. His eyebrows shot up in surprise before he looked beyond the porch to Brandon’s red convertible and then his questioning gaze was turned to Merlin.
Brandon just pressed his lips together in a resolute smile, giving them both a bit of a wave when he spotted the exact moment they both recognised him. He got used to that look on people’s faces over the years, in random fan encounters when they couldn’t quite believe he was there in front of them in the flesh. He just wish this was in better circumstances when he could be more composed and could easily switch on the charisma mode.
“Mom, Dad… this is my b-- Brandon. Blake. Yes, the Brandon Blake.” Merlin was immediately giving himself a few internal whacks when he couldn’t get his brain to feed him logical sentences. Nerves mixed with tiredness mixed with anxiety mixed with residual anger over the adoption was cockblocking him. “H-He’s my… um, actually, can we just sit with a cuppa? There’s a few things I need to talk to you both about.”
Tom’s gaze narrowed only slightly at Merlin’s stammering. He cleared his throat and first offered his son his hand to shake and then pulled him into a secure hug. “It’s good to see you, son. How was the drive? Did you get a good run?”
“Come on in, out of the cold,” Merlin’s mom fussed, leading them all inside. She was flustered and took Merlin’s hand, giving it a squeeze. But once they were in the foyer of the house where the lighting was better, she was giving Brandon a scrutinising mom look. “Are you feeling well, sweetheart? You’re looking mighty pale. Is there anything I can get you? Goodness, if I knew we would be having a special guest, I would’ve cleaned up.” She touched her hair, trying to make sure it was in place and was holding back on all-out brimming with excitement, trying to keep herself in check because she was supposed to be a mom here.
“Mom… Mom, he wears makeup in-character. He’s not here to conduct a PR junket. Can you just put the kettle on?” Merlin tried to coax, taking his mom’s arm to try to get her to stop fussing over Brandon. She had always had those Supermom powers to know when something wasn’t right with her kids or when they were sick, so they were probably triggering into action here. She had never exactly been a helicopter mom or anything like that but she cared and had natural mom instincts and he didn’t want Brandon to feel awkward than everything already was.
Molly cupped her son’s face in her hands and littered his cheeks, nose and forehead with soft kisses. “I’m ahead of you, baby boy. Kettle’s boiled. I’ll just get the tea brewing. You two go sit and relax. It’s been a long drive. You must be exhausted.”
Merlin didn’t expect himself to feel so on-edge during these initial moments of trying to not-so-subtly ease Brandon into his parents’ orbit without the least amount of fuss as possible. The harder part would be trying to tell them Brandon wasn’t there as just a celeb Merlin happened to meet through his Broadway connections and they randomly decided to take a roadtrip across the country for the hell of it. He had to figure out how to get the B-word - BOYfriend - transmitted to them along with the fact Brandon had the The Big C and all of the above was seriously private and confidential. Merlin hoped he could manage it without his head splitting in two with another raging migraine.
“Let’s go take a load off,” he said to Brandon with a smile, gesturing to the door across the foyer into the livingroom. The words felt clinical, without endearments, non-platonic. He didn’t like that feeling when the true feelings of love and concern for Brandon were right there beneath the surface.
Brandon was conscious of what was going on here and naturally, he was worried about Merlin. He was on edge and anxious and Brandon knew Merlin was trying to protect him. It was sweet but it was zapping energy Merlin probably didn’t have. All he wanted to do was give him a cuddle, promise him it would be okay. It was just not an easy collision course to navigate at all, especially when Merlin had a lot of unresolved sadness and anger finding out he was adopted. There were family photos displayed all over the house and he desperately wanted to see Merlin as a little person, but that would have to wait.
They sat on the sofa - together - and Brandon nearly took Merlin’s hand, a reflexive action now they had gotten used to being in close proximity to each other constantly. Brandon could feel Mr Larson’s eyes on him from where he took the armchair by the crackling open fireplace. It was cosy and welcoming but beside him, Merlin was still tense and fidgety. “It’s nice to meet you, Mr Larson. Sorry for the late arrival. I was--”
“I had a bit of a migraine. We had to stop,” Merlin jumped in and then immediately shot Brandon an apologetic glance. He needed to ease into this the right way and if he was going to do it, he wanted both his parents there. His dad was a lawyer, extensively trained in reading between the lines. His brain was probably working overtime right now to figure out how the hell his son had come to bring this extensively famous television star into their modest family home in South Carolina. The thing was, Merlin was still trying to figure that one out himself.
Tom smiled with a dismissive sweep of his hand. “It’s no bother to us. I know Molly would’ve gladly stayed up all night to wait. She’s never been able to shake the empty nester habits. I must say, neither of us expected Merlin to arrive with such a distinguished guest. Makes me curious about what he’s been up. His emails haven’t been as newsy since…” He trailed off and his green eyes trailed to his son, a hint of sadness in them to match his tone.
Merlin scratched his forehead, nose scrunching a little. “Dad, I work with Justin Campbell. I meet people like Brandon all the time.” That was only half-accurate. He did meet people being attached to Justin but he was just as big a fangirl about them as the next person. Brandon was under his skin before he could find his feet and remember he was just a normal guy under the flashy facade. He knew what his dad was about to say too. ’Since the adoption came to light’. Or, to be more accurate, since Merlin showed up half-drunk and in hysterical tears with blood test results showing he was a blood group that could not possibly have come from his parents. That was the last time he had been to South Carolina, when Jesse flew in to help him because he lost his shit so badly and didn’t know how to cope with it. It was in this room where the shit hit the fan. “To be fair, though, I didn’t really meet Brandon through work. It was just a random moment in London.”
“London? How lovely! How did you meet, sweetheart?” Molly asked, coming back with the tray of tea and what looked like half the cookie aisle from the grocery store. “Now, I didn’t know if Brandon liked milk or cream or what cookies he liked. But white chocolate and raspberry for you, kiddo.” She gave Merlin one of the cookies that had been his favourite forever and ruffled his hair, kissing the top of his head before she took the other recliner.
Brandon looked at the generously stocked tea tray, or the stack of cookies to be more exact, and his stomach reminded him it probably wasn’t a good idea to even get in smelling distance of them. He put his hand to his face and scratched his nose, sitting back a little. “Just black for me, Mrs Larson. Thank you. Like Merlin said, it’s late. You really didn’t have to go to all this trouble.”
Merlin’s eyes were on the cookie between his fingers. He was sitting forward, elbows resting on his knees. “Brandon’s my boyfriend!” he abruptly blurted out when everything converged inside him and he couldn’t keep up the ruse any longer. It was like trying to dance around a giant pink elephant in the room, one that his parents were oblivious to but impacted on every single little thing Merlin was tackling here, including his favourite cookie that he knew had to be turning Brandon’s stomach, just like most other foods were. He looked up at his parents, anxiety bubbling over but alleviating a little now he got that out there. “He is. He’s my boyfriend. I love him. It’s got nothing to do with him being a TV star. And none of that can go beyond this room.”
Both of Merlin’s parents were still and quiet for all of a few moments, but they felt like a lifetime to Merlin. And then from Tom, “You owe me twenty dollars, Mols.”
Molly smirked, shaking her head. “No deal. You said girlfriend.”
Merlin tossed the cookie back onto the plate and rubbed his hands over his face. “Can we just… shit,” he swore, shaking his head wondering if he should have slept on all this before telling his parents. It was out there now and it was time to face at least some of the things he had been stressing about in recent months. “Did either of you really expect me to arrive with a boyfriend? Just answer me honestly, please.”
Brandon nibbled the inner corner of his lip, listening to the exchange. He couldn’t see much of Merlin’s face where he was sitting back in the sofa, fatigue blanketing him again. He didn’t know how any of the dynamic with Merlin and his parents or how any of this could play out. He briefly rubbed Merlin’s back because a little corner of his brain went, ‘Fuck it’ and he shifted forward to take his hand, giving it a little squeeze to remind him he was there for him. It was the first PDA his parents would see their youngest son having with another guy but it had to start somewhere. He gave Mr and Mrs Larson a faint smile as if to say, ‘No joke, this is legit.’
“We thought it might’ve been Cassidy,” Molly admitted with an apologetic smile. “But that doesn’t mean we think bad of this, sweetheart. Of course we don’t. How could we? Brandon’s a beautiful boy. I don’t think you would’ve brought him here if it wasn’t important to you. This is exciting! I promise, our lips are sealed. Even if the girls at work would just die if they knew.”
Merlin bit his lip, giving his head a head. “No, Mom. No. We’re not going to be here long enough anyway. You don’t get it.” He started to pour the tea, just to give himself something to do with his hands or he would be up and pacing restlessly. “Cas has a boyfriend. Tori. He understudies with us. I told you that.”
“Son, we know you’ve still been working through things since the last time you were here. We didn’t want to push you or rush you. Even if we tried to make the right choices for you all your life, we know we made mistakes. But there are mistakes we don’t want to make as parents and can stop ourselves before we do. Like trying to learn about our child’s sexuality so he doesn’t have to feel even more disconnected from us than he already does,” Tom tried to explain, sharing a gaze with his wife. “We thought you might be on a trip with someone you were dating, and that could be a girlfriend or a boyfriend. Just not that it might be someone famous we watch on TV each week that we might have to keep a secret.”
“That’s not my sexuality. I’m not bi.” Merlin handed Brandon a cup of tea and in his distracted state, poured way too much cream in his and lost count of the sugars he was spooning into it. “It could’ve just stopped at ‘Someone I was dating’. Which is exactly what pansexuality is. Attraction to people, for who they are, not what they are. But y’all can’t deny it’d be easier for you if I came home with a girl on my arm. The fact Brandon has a penis might be just a lil’ easier to swallow ‘cause he’s famous. Which ain’t why I’m hiding, by the way. I ain’t ashamed of him and I ain’t ashamed of my sexuality. I’m proud of it. I don’t care who in this damn town knows about or give a damn what they think about it.”
Merlin’s edginess seemed to be making his Southern drawl come through thicker. Or it could be because he home. Brandon knew that could happen with folk who lived away from home, their accents diluted a little. “Can I just cut in here because none of this is about Merlin wanting to hide anything or not knowing how to reveal it. Actually, I think he would shout it from a rooftop with crystal clear clarity and pride. He came on the road trip with me because I needed help. The reason for the secrecy is that I’m under contractual obligations with my production company to be branded and marketed a certain way for the show. Which happens to be heterosexual, which I’m not. I signed these some years ago before I really knew who I was. I was seventeen when they signed me. Now, I could fight to break these contracts but it could be disastrous for my career and I’m not really in a position to be able to battle a nasty case in court right now. Merlin’s been really supportive of these challenges but I know he gets the raw end of the deal.”
Merlin shook his head. “No, I don’t. There’s a raw end of the deal but it’s got nothing to do with our relationship and it’s not me that has it. Besides, I knew and accepted all this before we kicked off our relationship.” He put his tea cup down and rested his hand on Brandon’s knee, gathering his thoughts. “When Brandon and I first met, we connected over the fact we were both adopted. We were both wrestling with personal stuff.”
“Merlin, sweetie, I know you’re angry. I know now that we should’ve told you sooner. And I know Dad and I don’t fully comprehend how you must be feeling with any of it. We want to. We wish we could just know so you don’t have to keep going over it when it hurts you. But I want you to know something. We would never deny you falling in love with anyone. We know that if you have, they must be a very special person because you love deeply and unconditionally. That seems to have gone another level with Brandon because of these challenges he has with his public life. We love you no matter who you want to have in your as a partner and we want to get to know them when you do.” Molly paused and gave Brandon a smile. She sat forward and leaned over to give her son’s arm a little affectionate pat. “No matter what’s going on in the rest of our town, their opinions ain’t a factor in how we love our sons. Those are decisions for us to make and no one else to have a damn opinion on. We do wanna understand, baby. You just need to work with us a little to help us. I understand that’s hard because you’re still angry at us and you could be for years to come. Maybe even ever. I guess you understand that too, Brandon? Being adopted yourself.”
Brandon had been watching Merlin’s face to see how he was processing this but it was hard to know. This was one time Merlin’s heart definitely wasn’t on his sleeve. It was locked up inside in an attempt not to get hurt more. He wet his lips and cleared his throat. “Ah, no. Very much not the same situation. Neither my biological parents nor my adoptive parents were in a position to really… er, care how they probably should’ve.” He re-listened to those words play in his head, hoping they came out sounding okay and didn’t further complicate Merlin’s situation here.
Merlin brushed his thumb over Brandon’s knuckles, hearing Brandon’s attempt at fancy footwork to avoid talking about his own life here. It was a can of worms Brandon wouldn’t be up to rehashing tonight, he knew that. “I don’t know how to, Mom,” he sighed, giving his parents a helpless shrug. “I didn’t know who the hell I was after all that happened and I’m only just started to work it out. You forget that I didn’t just find out y’all didn’t birth me. I had to learn who did, when I already knew what she did to Jess. Practically ran him outta this place because he was gay, trying to make him marry a girl just ‘cause they wanted to appear picture-perfect hetero champs to the church. All the while, fucking hiding the fact she birthed me and I was living a few fucking blocks away from me, blocking me from knowing my real brother. Just like y’all did. And if you’re wondering if any of that made me pansexual, it’s a no. I’ve always been pansexual, I just didn’t get through puberty quick enough to work it out.”
“I knew we should’ve told him,” Tom murmured, rubbing his fingers over his mouth. “I said this about Jesse. That he should have the chance to know both his brothers.”
“We did what we thought was best at the time,” Molly said, voice shaky with a hint that tears were threatening.
Merlin held up his hand, the one that wasn’t now gripped tightly around Brandon’s. “Wait, what? You thought about telling me when? Before I was born? When I was a kid? When I was wetting the bed and everyone thought it was because I was being picked on at school by other kids for being different when it was really just because my brain was in overdrive? Or maybe when everyone around me was hitting puberty and I was behind the whole fucking world and Damien was too busy to talk to me about it. Do you think maybe I could’ve used a big brother to talk to then? How many times did you look at me when I was losing my fucking shit with ADHD meltdowns and wish you didn’t sign those papers at the hospital?”
Molly sniffled and dabbed her eyes briefly with a napkin. “We didn’t say we think it was the best thing anymore, baby. We thought you might’ve been treated worse if you did know and you had to feel different your whole life because of it.”
“But Dad wanted to tell me and you didn’t? Because you made the deal without him,” Merlin said softly but there was a stiffness in his words, held back anger intermeshed with tiredness.
“It wasn’t as simple as that, son. It was--” Tom began.
Brandon had to cut him off. He shoved his cup into Merlin’s hand, pushing up from the sofa. “I-I need the bathroom,” he warned, already moving towards the door.
“Door after the stairs, darlin’,” Merlin said quickly, skillfully knowing what that urgency in Brandon’s voice meant by now. He watched him bolt out the door but it was a sobering reminder and grounded Merlin from his escalating anger from a few moments before. He sighed and hung his head, massaging his forehead with his fingertips.
“Was it something we said?” Tom asked, hearing the bathroom door close sharply up the hall.
“Should I go and check if he needs help?” Molly asked quietly, concerned.
No matter what happened with his adoption, Merlin never denied his mom and dad were excellent parents. He wasn’t surprised his mom’s maternal instinct was kicking in with Brandon’s abrupt departure from the room. It could only mean one thing to a mother - one end or the other. “Um... “ he began but he wasn’t sure what to say right off. Instead, the lump returned to his throat and he teared up too, everything suddenly feeling like so much. “You can’t help, Mom. Brandon’s sick. It’s side effects... from chemotherapy,” he revealed, voice shaking with tears slipping down his cheeks.
“Oh, my baby,” Molly whispered, putting her hand to her chest. She got up and went over to envelope her son in a hug. She patted his back and kissed his head. “I’m so sorry.”
Tom fetched a couple of bottles of water from the kitchen. He pulled up an ottoman and in front of his wife and son, offering Merlin one of the bottles. Sometimes, being a dad was really damn hard, usually when you felt helpless because you couldn’t stop the hurt your child was suffering. “How serious is it, son? No matter what’s happening, you can talk to us. We’re here for you, even if it feels like we betrayed you.”
Merlin’s wiped his cheeks with the backs of his fingers. The crying was just a result of trying to hold it all together to take care of Brandon, bottling all this adoption stuff up. There had been emotional times with Brandon since they started dating and they had cried together. This was different. This was just the top blowing, the emotions erupting when everything all at once was just a little too much. “He has leukemia, an aggressive form. He’s having chemo to try to slow down the progress but it can’t cure the type he has. He needs a bone marrow transplant, so they need to find a match. Or a partial match. If he doesn’t get it, he’ll die. There’s no doubt about that. And even if they find a match, his body could still reject the transplant and the graft could fail. So, I meet the love of my life and he’s one step from being terminally ill. He has no biological family so it’s almost impossible to find an optimal match, which lessens his chances of survival off the bat. It’s a waiting game but he doesn’t have the best odds in his favour. Very few people know he’s sick, it’s not public knowledge either. I should check on him. He’s probably going to need to go to bed. Being sick wipes him out.”
Molly softly stroked Merlin’s cheek, wiping the tears with her thumb. “I’ll go turn the bed down for him. I want you to keep talking to us, baby. About any of this, about all of it. We want to help you and by default, that includes Brandon. Promise me you can try to do that? Just try. That’s all.”
“Okay,” Merlin murmured, nodding. “I just don’t always know what to say or how to say it.”
Tom offered his son a faint smile. “That’s not a new concept for you, son. Take your time. And we’re just a shout away if you need any help. Merlin, we love you, kiddo.”
“More than life,” Molly confirmed, ruffling Merlin’s hair.
LOG, COMPLETE