Merlin Timothy Blake (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
magicmoments) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
dreamlikenewyork2019-01-29 04:55 am
magicmoments) wrote in dreamlikenewyork2019-01-29 04:55 am
"Love making love with you."
Who: Merlin Larson and Brandon Blake
What: First times and bad times
Where: Nebraska, cont...
When: After this
Merlin was usually a pretty steady sleeper. He worked so hard these days with both his physically-demanding job, study, and PR commitments that once his head it the pillow, he would be out until his alarm went off. Since he had been sharing a bed with Brandon, he found himself waking more during the night. Tonight, it seemed like his subconscious was at play when he woke and realised he was in the bed alone and the vacant spot beside him was cold.
They were still snowed in at the Nebraska guesthouse cottage. The owners had telephoned through to them earlier in the evening to give them the heads-up that it could be another couple of days before the snow eased enough to get a plow on the driveway and roads out of the property. There was nothing they could do but sit tight and wait it out and they were both okay with that.
Brandon’s idea to get a place to stay for some much-needed rest had been exactly what they needed. Being there alone together without distractions meant they could rest and talk and just have time getting to know each other more. After their significant deep-and-meaningful chat the day before, they successfully shared some soup and settled in bed to watch The Birdcage on Brandon’s laptop. Brandon fell asleep about two-thirds the way through so they took a nap together while another heavy snowfall set in outside. They woke up and made out for a little while, then had a cup of tea and sat on the window seat of the bay window watching the snow fall outside wrapped up in the quilt from the bed.
It had been such a nice day that they were both lulled into a false sense of security that the worst of it was behind them… for now. Merlin’s migraine hangover eased with the soup and a good rest and Brandon hadn’t been sick in close to 48 hours straight, a record for him since he started chemo. He still had the hot and cold sweats on and off and the nausea was there but not enough to make him sick. Merlin noticed he even looked a little better with some colour in his cheeks and his eyes a little less heavy with fatigue. He had some aches and pains in the evening which caused him a little distress when his medication didn’t do much to help it, so Merlin gave him a massage and tucked him up with a hot water bottle for his stomach. Brandon fell asleep early, not long after 7pm so Merlin took out a new book he packed for the trip and read while Brandon slept.
When he woke now, nearing 2am, the book tumbled to the floor from where he had fallen asleep with it on his chest. He was too distracted with the cold spot in the bed next to him to worry about picking the book up. He switched the lamp on, squinting against the light. It wasn’t uncommon for him to fall asleep with his glasses on. He had to get a set of extra-strength frames because he broke them a few times. They had fallen off in his sleep and disappeared between his and Brandon’s pillows so he shoved them on his face and scanned the cottage. He couldn’t see Brandon. Other than the bathroom, everything was in the one little room. He wouldn’t have been surprised if Brandon struggled to stay asleep with the pain he had been in and gotten up.
Merlin threw the covers back and padded over to the bathroom. He could see the light on beneath the closed door and his stomach did a little flip-flop of worry. Softly knocking, he leaned close to the door. “Brandon? Are you okay in there, darlin’?” There was no answer, so he put his ear to the door and his heart felt like it bungee jumped out of his chest and slammed into a wall when he heard crying. Not just simple crying, it was heart-wrenching distressed sobs. He could never have just walked away and opened the door, hoping Brandon didn’t mind if he wasn’t decent or was caught in an embarrassing situation.
Brandon was huddled up in a ball in the corner between the shower and toilet. Merlin started to panic when he took the whole scene in at once. There were a couple of bottles of pills scattered across the tiles and heavy drops of blood spattered between them, with more smeared across the toilet bowl and up over the vanity. Brandon had been sick and hadn’t made the toilet at least once and there were bunches of crushed toilet paper soaked in blood piled up around Brandon’s feet.
Merlin dropped down beside him, trying to embrace him at the same time as analyse if he was still bleeding. Brandon’s face and throat were covered in streaks of blood and Merlin carefully touched his fingers to Brandon’s nose. It was still bleeding. There was no toilet paper left so he grabbed one of the bath towels and carefully held it to Brandon’s nose. He would apologise to the owners when they checked out and cover any costs for the damage. “Brandon, try to sit forward a little for me, sweetie. We need to try to get this bleeding stopped.”
“I-I can’t d-do this… I-I can’t...” Brandon sobbed, choking on the words through the tears and ending up in a coughing fit when the blood trickled down the back of his throat. He gripped Merlin’s arm, desperately trying to cling to him like a lifeline.
“Have you taken pills, darlin’? I need you to tell me if you’ve taken more pills than you should’ve.” Merlin was trying to stay calm but his panic was rapidly building inside him. If Brandon had done something like overdose on his medication, what the hell would happen if they were snowed in and they couldn’t get him urgent medical attention?
Brandon was hit with a renewed bout of deep sobbing. “I… I-I tried. Then I… I got scared. I didn’t… didn’t want to scare you. I… m-made… made myself sick. I fucked up. I… it’s… I can’t keep doing this. It h-hurts.”
A little wave of relief washed over Merlin that he didn’t have to worry that Brandon wasn’t going to have to be wheeled out in a body bag after the blizzard stopped. It was a mess but it wasn’t immediately fatal. He still had to keep the towel to Brandon’s nose but he wrapped a protective arm around him and kissed his head. “You can and you will. I’m here with you. I’m going to be here with you every time it gets bad like this and feels like you can’t make it through. You’re scared. You didn’t fuck up. I’ve got you. I’m not going anywhere.”
Merlin didn’t attempt to keep Brandon talking. He was barely managing it through the distressed sobs and when he tried, he kept choking up because his nose was bleeding. He just held him and kept whispering tender reassurances to his ear. They sat like that for close to two hours and Brandon cried the whole time. The tears didn’t abate when his nose stopped bleeding or when he was wracked with fits of coughing and retching. He knew that Brandon’s rock bottom wasn’t the other night when he got drunk like he thought. This, tonight, was rock bottom and he completely understood why he hit it. To feel constantly sick, exhausted, in pain. To have your body betraying you when you were used to be in tip-top health and fitness. They had a good day and covered a lot of ground while they did, but that didn’t at all erase the fact Brandon still had leukemia and chemo was wreaking havoc on his body. Something had to have triggered all this but it wasn’t vital he knew what straight away. He didn’t need to know to help Brandon.
When Brandon’s tears did finally began to settle, Merlin softly coaxed him to close his eyes and try to rest a little. He still held him. He didn’t let go. He had a numb bum from sitting on cold tiles and pins and needles in his foot and arm. None of that mattered. Brandon dozed off for about twenty minutes, give or take. Merlin tried to clean a little of the blood off his face but he couldn’t do much without water.
Brandon started to cough and woke himself up. He was in a haze of pain and he ran his tongue over his cracked lips. He could taste blood and it turned his stomach but thankfully it didn’t make him throw up. Reality set in again, especially when he saw the mess the bathroom was in. Merlin’s warm embrace was soothing and he needed it more than anything with the mess his emotions got him in. “I’m so sorry…” he whispered tearfully and put his hand over his face. “I lost my shit.”
“It’s okay. No beating yourself up. I understand.” Merlin took Brandon’s hand from his face and pressed a lingering kiss to his palm. “Will you let me clean you up and help you back to bed in the warm? You’re shivering. I’ll get you something clean to change into and we’ll try to clean you up with some warm water. Do you feel sick? Do you think you can drink a little? A cup of tea might help.”
“I don’t know. I don’t feel like I know anything.” Brandon was still teary and shaky. He looked at the blood on his hands and his eyes mapped the mess in the bathroom. For that awful few moments of terror where he swallowed a handful of pills, this is what he truly thought his should end, after all he had done and achieved. For those few moments, he thought he would be doing Merlin a favour but lucky panic took over and he realised his mistake. Then everything in his head snowballed and got too much, too overwhelming, too terrifying. It was the grief process. He had been through denial and anger, now he had veered into depression and it knocked him hard. He put his hands over his face again when he couldn’t fight back more crying when the deep reality that he had cancer and could die kept hitting him. “Fuck, I don’t wanna die.”
Merlin stopped trying to be a uselessly helpful nursemaid. It was his go-to reaction when he felt helpless and just wanted to do whatever he could to make this a tiny bit easier for Brandon. But Brandon was in pieces here. The reality of his diagnosis had come crashing down around him. Maybe he thought it was best to just get death over with. What was the point in suffering this much through treatment, side effects, symptoms, if you were just going to die anyway? He shifted to kneel in front of Brandon and wrapped his arms around him as protectively as he could without causing him pain. Brandon’s sobs were reverberating through his whole body and Merlin’s heart hurt as if it was physically damaged and he started to cry too. “I love you. I’m scared too. Scared of how much pain you’re in, scared of losing you,” he said tearfully to Brandon’s ear, not even sure if he would hear.
Brandon heard. He heard every word and as much as he wanted to stop himself crying and get over this break down, a renewed wave of tears came. His arms were around Merlin, clinging to him as much as he could with his energy depleted and his body feeling weak. He had never let anyone in his life see him this vulnerable but this was Merlin and it didn’t feel wrong to break with him. Everything else felt wrong and he didn’t even know anymore if he had it in him to keep fighting. He just wanted to stop feeling so shit long enough to be able to enjoy the best thing that had ever happened to him crossing his path at the same time the worst was happening.
#
Merlin hadn’t touched a drop of alcohol but when he woke up, he felt a little rough. It just went to show that emotions could whack you just as much as booze. Yet again, he was in the bed alone and panic rose inside him. He shoved the covers off and in his rush to get untangled from them, fell in a heap on the floor when his foot caught in the edge. He banged his knee and narrowly avoided cracking his head on the nightstand, but it was the last thing he was concerned about. The bathroom was empty, though there was a wet towel on the floor and water drops over the glass shower screen, the scent of vanilla and almond of Brandon’s shower gel still lingering in the air.
His confused gaze did a repeat sweep of the bathroom, unsure where Brandon was. It was clean now. After Merlin got Brandon back to bed in the very early hours of the morning, he cleaned the mess up. Blood, vomit, pills, sweat, tears. It didn’t matter what it took, he knew he had to do it for Brandon. He didn’t need to see the reminders of his mistake, made in terror and fear. He hadn’t been able to rescue some of the towels and the bathmat copped a lot of it. The bath had been where Brandon stuck his fingers down his throat to make himself bring all the pills back up. Merlin hadn’t wanted to interrogate him but he had worked with Justin long enough to know that it was important to act fast.
No one ever hounded Justin with the details of his suicide attempts, of course, but Caden was an incredible boss and put many safety measures in place to protect Justin in his work place and indeed any of his cast and crew from mental health impacts. They had all taken mental health first-aid and Caden had plans in place everyone knew how to action if Justin had a bad episode at work. Merlin knew enough to know how important it was to find out what Brandon took, how much, and how long it had been in his system. Some urgent questioning had Brandon admitting he took a handful of his pain meds but as soon as he swallowed them, he made himself sick. So much that he scraped the back of his throat with his nails and the force of it all made his nose start to bleed. Brandon was conscious and lucid, albeit distressed from what happened, but he seemed to have averted his own disaster before he didn’t himself too much damage.
Brandon had cried in Merlin’s arms for close to an hour and had been a wreck after it. Merlin cleaned him up with some warm water and put him to bed to sleep it off. Brandon was out cold as soon as his head hit the pillow and he was in the same spot when Merlin finished cleaning the bathroom and finally crawled back into bed with him. So much so that he kept checking Brandon was still breathing before he finally allowed himself to relax enough to crash out himself. He knew that he really needed to talk to Jesse, even just to debrief and get advice but it would have to wait until he got some sleep. He didn’t want to end up with another migraine.
Running back out into the main part of the cottage, he grabbed his phone in case he needed to call for help. He checked around the corner where the kitchenette was tucked and glanced out the window to if the snow was still falling steadily as it had been the whole time they were at the cottage. He spotted Brandon straight away. The snow had definitely lifted. It looked like the down from the guesthouse had at least been shovelled and even though there was a lot of snow lying, it wasn’t falling anymore. Brandon was sitting on the top step of the porch, rugged up in his knee-length trenchcoat, a scarf, gloves, and a beanie. He was having a smoke, or probably a joint, and looked a million miles away. But he was breathing and he was protected from the cold weather. Instead of barging out there and interrogating him on how he felt, Merlin decided to let him have his alone time and went to take a quick shower himself.
Back in the amazing complimentary (though probably included in the rental price) fluffy bathrobe, Merlin came out of the bathroom, vigorously rubbing his his curly hair to try to dry it off and he got a bit of a fright and jumped when he saw Brandon sitting on the side of the bed. He dropped the towel and put his hand on his chest. “Oh, shit, you scared me! I thought you were still outside.” He went over to him and cupped his hand under Brandon’s chin to give him a soft kiss to his lips. His thumb skimmed Brandon’s cheek, feeling the roughness of a day-old stubble. It was sexy as hell. Brandon rocked the slightly rugged look. “I need to know but I won’t ask the question if you don’t want me to. I know you’re probably sick of hearing it.”
Brandon smiled and wrapped his arms around Merlin’s waist. He rubbed his back and let one hand drop lower to his ass. “Am I okay or how am I feeling? I’m not sick of hearing it from you. I know you’re taking care of me and you can’t read my mind, so you need to ask. Just like I need to ask the same of you. I know I put you through the wringer last night. I just…” He shook his head, gnawing the corner of his lip. “When I woke up, you were spooning me. Your arm was so tight around me. You even had your leg tucked between mine, like you were subconsciously trying to be a body shield to protect me. And I knew then, in that moment, that I’ll get through this somehow with you there with me. I’ve always been alone and now I don’t have to be.”
“No, you don’t.” Merlin brushed Brandon’s hair back from his face and kissed his forehead. “And I want you to know that you don’t need to apologise for last night. You don’t need to feel ashamed. You don’t need to hate yourself for hitting rock bottom. Every single thing you felt last night was real and valid. I know you battle with yourself a lot about who you should be or what mask you should be putting up. You don’t need any of that with me. You know why? Because I’ve now seen you at your very worst and I want you to know, I meant every word I said last night. I love you, at your best and at your worst of worst. I would do last night again all over for you if I had to.”
Brandon gazed up at Merlin, his tongue sweeping his lips. “I love you too,” he whispered, taking a deep breath and holding it, almost like he was suspending the words and suspending them for a little longer after they left his mouth. He had never said that to anyone. Coaxing Merlin to sit on his lap, he put his hand in his pocket and took out his silver cuff bracelet, holding it up to Merlin. “I want you to have this. I want you to have something that just means us because I know when we get back to New York, shit’s going to get tough trying to navigate my work shitstorm and juggling my treatment, what the treatment does to me. No matter what happens, I want you to know this is the real me, this is what I really feel.”
With a tiny frown, Merlin took the bracelet from Brandon but he was shaking his head. “N-No. Shit, no. You never take this off, darlin’. Well, almost never. You took it off last night. I found it in the bathroom sink. Even before we met, I know you wear it all the time. At press junkets, for interviews… this means something to you.”
“Yep, it means everything to me. Norm gave it to me a few months after I met them. It’s a family heirloom. They have Native American ancestry. They never knew the exact origins, it was just passed down. They wanted me to have something special, something resembling a family history they knew I didn’t have of my own. I want you to have it. I want to know that whenever we’re in a room where I’m pretending to be in love with Autumn under the watchful eye of The Powers That Be that I can see you wearing it and remember why all that other shit is happening.” Brandon wasn’t sure he knew how else to put this in words. There didn’t seem to be enough to describe it. Instead, he started to kiss Merlin deeply and it soon got heated, desperate almost. He broke it, trying to catch his breath and rested his forehead against Merlin’s but all he could do was wet his lips again and resume the kiss, hungry to show him how he felt beyond insufficient words.
Merlin’s body responded to the hungry kisses. He tugged on the sash of his robe to get it undone and took Brandon’s hand, guiding it to his dick and wrapped Brandon’s fingers around him. He paused the kiss only momentarily to whisper against Brandon’s lips, “I want you. I want this--” He sucked in a sharp breath, now his turn to bite his lip through a soft moan of pleasure. “I wanna make love with you. I’m ready. You don’t need to double check on that, I really am. I’m pretty sure I have been from the moment I met you. I just… don’t really know what to do.”
Brandon didn’t question Merlin after his reassurances that he was ready. He nodded, claiming a few more kisses in between Merlin’s urgent words, his hand stroking up and down Merlin’s erection which definitely felt very ready to go here. He pushed the robe off Merlin’s shoulder and kissed down his throat, nuzzling his ear. “It’s okay, we’ll work it out together. I want you to make love to me...”
“But you don’t do that,” Merlin murmured through a hitched breath. He put his hand over Brandon’s, stilling the stroking with a shaky laugh. “I’m gonna come if you keep going there. I need it to last. You don’t have to do this, I know it’s not your thing. Ohmygodfuckholdon or I’m really gonna come,” he added in a rush, scrunching his face up with a soft whimper as he tried to will his body to slow down.
“I said I only want to do it with someone I really care about,” Brandon reminded him, smiling at Merlin’s battle with his stamina. He was eager to get Merlin naked, pulling the robe off further, his lips meeting Merlin’s for more kisses. Taking Merlin’s hand from his own dick, he brought it to his lips kiss the back of it. “Wait. Hold on, baby. I’m gonna get you off, okay? I don’t want to rush any of this. Your first time shouldn’t be rushed. We’ve got time. I wanna take the time. I’ll get you off and we’ll go again when you get your second wind. Fuck, you’re beautiful. Take the robe off, I want you naked...”
Merlin stood and he felt a flutter of excited nervous flicker in his belly. As soon as he was up, Brandon was helping him out of the robe. The desire for nakedness was mutual and he was fumbling to help Brandon out of his sweater. At least he wasn’t in leather and denim this time like he usually was. A sweater and trackpants were easier to navigate him out of him. Without the robe, he found himself feeling suddenly exposed and vulnerable but it wasn’t in a bad way. Just a little surreal because this was as intimate as he had ever gotten with anyone and he was conscious of the fact he was very freaking hard and Brandon was well-endowed. He was a typical guy, he couldn’t completely avoid the urge for comparison but he knew Brandon had already told him he had a nice dick. He wasn’t alone, though, and soon, he had Brandon out of his clothes too. They pushed the covers back and crawled into bed together. He was on his back, his heart pounding and his breath quickened from all the kissing. Brandon was knelt over him so he smiled up at him, reaching up to feather his fingers through Brandon’s hair. “I’m nervous,” he admitted.
Brandon returned the smile and followed it with another kiss. “Me too. I’ve never done this for anything more than just having fun.” He started to kiss down Merlin’s throat, his chest, his belly, his hips. He couldn’t stop kissing Merlin, feeling the hunger buzzing within him, melting away the horrors of the night before. Merlin was so gorgeous naked and Brandon wanted to get as close to him as he could, in any way possible. He nuzzled Merlin’s groin and kissed his length before taking him into his mouth. He busied one hand with fondling Merlin’s balls and reached the other up to take Merlin’s hands, weaving their fingers together with a reassuring squeeze.
Merlin had a lot of thoughts swirling through his mind. He couldn’t quite believe the moment he wanted to lose his v-card was finally here but more than that, he couldn’t believe it was The Brandon Blake naked between his legs, going down on him, had just told him he loved him. How was this happening? He was just an average small-town Southern guy doing his own thing. It was proof life could work in mysterious ways and perhaps proof kismet did exist. And he finished woefully quick because he had already been ready to explode but Brandon’s suggestion to get him off so they could take their time with the main act made sense. He knew he would’ve blown as soon as Brandon was inside him, if not before, if they didn’t do this. As soon as he was done and watch Brandon swallow, he tugged on his hand. “Kiss me,” he pleaded breathlessly.
Brandon didn’t need to be asked twice and it was hot that Merlin wanted to try it. He crawled up the bed and straddled over Merlin, kissing him deeply. Merlin’s taste was still on his lips and he expected Merlin to pull away and not be a fan. Some guys just weren’t, just like some girls weren’t. After it, he kissed the tip of Merlin’s nose and settled in beside him, tracing the tip of his finger over Merlin’s lips. “What’s the verdict? Not horrified at the taste?”
“Uneventful? I don’t know what I was expecting,” Merlin laughed and rolled onto his side so he could get as close to Brandon as he could to snuggle, pulling the covers up so Brandon didn’t catch a chill in all his gorgeous naked glory. Beneath them, he couldn’t keep his hands off him. This close, he could feel Brandon pressed against and he licked his lips. “You’re hard,” he whispered.
Brandon nodded, eyes following the tip of Merlin’s tongue skate over his lips. “Very. You’re so irresistible that chemo couldn’t even win this time. You okay? I want you to be sure about this. You don’t have to go through with it if you change your mind,” he murmured, rubbing Merlin’s back, feeling how toned he was. Merlin was a gorgeous little package, complete with six-pack and well proportioned in all the right places. “You’re amazing.”
“I’m sure. I’m ready and I want it to be you. All this, it just feels right.” Merlin didn’t know if he was referencing their new relationship in its entirety or being here in the cottage where they had to conquer hurdles together. “I’ve been trying to imagine what it would feel like. I was never hugely into porn. I like the more realistic stuff that’s not too staged. You’ve definitely been, um… fuel for certain morning activities since I met you. Oh my god, I totally wasn’t going to confess to that bit,” he laughed, burying his face against Brandon’s shoulder.
“Oh, yeah?” Brandon laughed at Merlin’s bashfulness and dug him back out from his burrowing so he could see his face. “Do you realise how hot it is to think about you jerking off in the shower? Do you realise how much that makes me want to watch you?” He nudged Merlin onto his back again, pushing the covers down to expose Merlin’s torso and hips. He took his hand and guided him to reach down and touch himself. Kissing Merlin’s shoulder, then his chest. With his eyes on Merlin’s hand fisted around himself, he swirled his tongue over his nipple.
Merlin swallowed and inhaled deeply. Brandon had the way of making the simplest things sexy and Merlin was getting addicted to it. Still a virgin and he was ready to try anything Brandon suggested. He was shy and a little embarrassed at first. He lay there holding his dick, feeling something akin to stage fright with Brandon watching him, especially when he didn’t have another boner yet but he knew it wouldn’t take a whole lot to be ready for Round Two. He pushed his palm against his length and felt his heartbeats speed up with anticipation as he watched Brandon watching him. With a burst of confidence, he stroked his hand up slowly, then down again. His body was easily reacting, it felt like all his nerves endings throughout were stimulated and ready to keep going. Not to mention Brandon’s tongue doing that to his nipple was making him multiple different types of turned on, causing him to make some interesting little whimpering noises, another reminder how ready for this he was.
Brandon moved back to Merlin’s lips with a tender kiss, watching his face closely. “I want you to top, sweetheart. We can switch up next time. You don’t need to be the only one facing firsts here. I want to enjoy everything about this after everything’s been so…” He paused, biting his lip with a small shake of his head. “There’s no words, really. You’ve taken care of me all the way through and I trust you more than I’ve ever trusted anyone. Literally my whole life. I just want you to know that. That’s not why I want this, though.”
Merlin’s attention shifted from his nether regions when Brandon was talking to him. In this soft cottage lighting, Brandon’s eyes looked darker, if that was possible. “Because there’s feelings,” he murmured and stroked the backs of his fingers over Brandon’s bare chest. As nervous as he was about having sex for the first time, there was something so easy and content just lying there naked with Brandon for the first time too. At first, his comparison to Brandon gave him anxiety. He felt so plain in comparison. Brandon was really tall and Merlin was a short-ass. Brandon was hung, Merlin was average. He stopped making comparisons between them quickly when he realised it was stupid. He knew now Brandon thought he was incredible and that was the only thing that mattered.
“More than feelings. The feeling.” Brandon reached behind him where he had stashed his cuff bracelet when he and Merlin got into bed together. “I want you to have this. Look, I can buy you anything. I was even Googling when I was outside having a smoke to see who I could get to deliver you flowers once the roads were clear. I could have Cartier jewellery FedEx’ed to you the same day I purchase it. But I didn’t want to just give you things because it’s not about giving you anything. It’s about… fuck… am I even making sense here?”
Merlin smiled and wrapped his hand around the bracelet. “You make more sense than you realise. You’re just not used to this stuff. You’ve never done it before, how can you just know how to explain it when you’ve never had it or never even knew you wanted it? Besides, I only want you to explain things however you can and if you can’t, that’s cool. We’ll figure it out. I just want to make one little proviso because I know how much this bracelet means to you. If it didn’t, you wouldn’t rarely take it off. You might not have been born to Norm and Joan’s family but ever since they gave it to you, it’s been just as much an heirloom to you as it is to them. It’s your family, so if we ever break up, I give it back.” He looked closer at the bracelet which he always just assumed was a fashion piece. He knew Brandon had a tattoo that Jace designed on his back, an owl and a centaur. Centaur for his Sagittarius star sign and the owl was his Native American zodiac sign. When he saw it the first time Brandon took his shirt off, he asked him about it and Brandon explained it, but he also said he felt an affinity to the owl and its symbolism. Later that night, while Brandon slept, he Googled more about it and found it was linked to symbols of mystery, mysticism and secrets. Brandon in a nutshell. “It’s beautiful. Are you sure you want me to have it?”
It was hard to think about breaking up with Merlin. They were so new, they couldn’t even be classified as the honeymoon phase yet. It hadn’t been much of a ‘honeymoon’. He knew it wasn’t Merlin saying they would broke up but neither of them could know what the future would bring. Which is when he felt a cold sensation creep up his spine and he took a sharp breath because it was the last thing he wanted to think about considering they were cozy and leading up to having sex for the first time. “I, um…” He scratched his forehead, cursing softly under his breath. “This is going to ruin the fucking mood. Let’s just forget about it.” He took the bracelet off Merlin and put it back on the bedside table. The thoughts had already infiltrated his mind, though. It was hard to just brush them off.
Merlin rolled over onto his stomach so he could reach over Brandon to get the bracelet again. “Hey, hold on. I know that look. And I’m going to say this because I know you need to hear it. If you die, I’ll keep it and I’ll keep wearing it. Your death and a break up are not even remotely the same things. Okay?” Brandon had averted his gaze probably without even realising he had. Merlin saw the shadow pass his face and he spotted what it was immediately. He touched his fingers to Brandon’s cheek, coaxing him to look back and he gave him a lingering soft kiss. He gave the bracelet back and held his wrist up for Brandon to put it on and then gazed at him through heavy-hooded eyes. He took Brandon’s hand and eased it between their bodies to his dick, with its renewed erection. “Can I make love to you now, darlin’?” he whispered.
Brandon was awed that Merlin so easily knew what was bothering him and hearing the reassurances helped so much. The worry melted away with Merlin’s kiss and his smile with those cute dimples. He was so fucking sexy and it was easy for Brandon to come back to the moment… to their moment. “I hope so. Fingers crossed nothing in my body decides to jinx it. Let me get the supplies.” He slipped out of bed and padded over to where his bag was still half-packed on the sofa by the window.
Merlin scrambled to prop himself up on his elbows, watching Brandon’s delicious naked butt heading across the room. “Supplies?!” he squeaked.
Brandon laughed and held up a strip of condoms and a tube of lube. “What did you think I meant? Handcuffs and a blindfold? I love you baby, but I’m not bottoming for the first time without lube and I’m certainly fucking not letting you do it either. It hurts without lube and prep. I know that without a shadow of a doubt. Any guy who sleeps with other guys will tell you that.” He was back in bed in a flash, offering the tube to Merlin.
“I didn’t even think of this stuff. Actually, I didn’t even think we would get to this point on the trip because of how ill you were. Even then, I’m pretty sure I still would’ve been clueless,” Merlin admitted sheepishly, reading the side of the tube. Casual sex didn’t appeal to him whatsoever so he never saw a need to be prepared, even if his adoptive dad - and then Jesse - told him many times to carry rubbers on him ‘just in case’. Then he felt himself blush and gave a little bashful laugh. “Uh, I don’t know what I’m supposed to do. Foreplay? I know what that is. But the actual, um, logistics?” Oh, fuck, did he suddenly sound like the world’s biggest virgin.
“You’re a nail-biter, we’re pretty safe. Don’t stress. It’s easy, you can’t do it wrong. It’s just like making out with extras. Start with one, get to two, aim for three,” Brandon explained, holding a finger up for each step and settled on his back beside Merlin again. He took the tube from him and squeezed a generous amount onto Merlin’s fingers for him, then tossed it aside on the bed so he could pull him into a kiss.
It was hard for Merlin to shake the worry that he was going to get this all wrong, it was natural for any first time. But he was super-conscious of Brandon’s fragile state and traumatic side effects that had been hitting him with clockwork consistency. What was easy was to get lost in Brandon’s kisses and to fall into a rhythm of foreplay and making out. He was freaking relieved Brandon got him off just a little while before otherwise he would’ve come as soon as his finger was inside Brandon. Even then, he had to pause now and again to slow down so he didn’t finish before they even got to sex. It was slow and tender, not all hungry kissing and desperate touches. They chatted and even laughed together a couple of times. Until Brandon told him he was ready and Merlin got hit with a wave of fresh nerves and anxiety, fumbling around the bed to find where the condoms went. “Okay, shit… I don’t know what to do!”
“You do, sweetheart. I promise it’s not rocket science. It’s just basic anatomy. It’s probably going to hurt regardless, so don’t freak out on me,” Brandon murmured, tearing off one of the condoms from the strip that had been by his hip the whole time. He tore the wrapper open with his teeth and took it out. “Want me to put it on for you?”
Merlin was lying on his side beside Brandon and gave a quick nod, wetting his lips. “That’s really hot…” he breathed, watching Brandon’s nimble fingers expertly slip the condom on. “How do we do this? Is there a way that’s less uncomfortable for you? I kind of want to be facing you, is that okay? But whatever you want! I’m seriously trying not to freak out about hurting you. Are you sure you’re well enough? You’ve been in a lot of pain and I’ve been really worried about you. If this is too much or too soon…”
Brandon gave Merlin a kiss, cutting his words off before he got himself into a sheer panic. “Now I understand. You’re extra-scared and cautious because you think it’s going to be more painful because of the leukemia.” He shook his head, smiling. “Different sort of pain, baby. Think flu aches and pains. This is a sting and your dick isn’t the first thing I’ll ever have up there, you know. I haven’t been nervous about the pain just the emotions, the vulnerability. The non-physical stuff. Like this, come here, sweetheart.” He pulled Merlin on top of him and wrapped his arms around him, smiling as he searched his eyes and offered another kiss of reassurance.
“You leave me with that? Other things up there? I think my ADHD is trying to kick in here. I have, like, multiple different trains of thought, none of which are keeping me focused. Feel free to keep kissing me as much as you like. Everything else goes out of my head when you do.” Merlin shifted back to kneel between Brandon’s legs and took a deep breath to brace himself, letting it out slowly. Soon, he got there and it was easier once he realised it clearly wasn’t agonising for Brandon. Quite the opposite. Uncomfortable, maybe, but he wasn’t in pain. As soon as Merlin was inside him, Brandon pulled him down into a kiss as requested. “Is this okay? Are you okay?” he murmured against Brandon’s lips, still needing to check, just in case.
Brandon nodded, exhaling slowly while his body adjusted to this new sensation. He owned toys and he wasn’t at all shy about getting himself off alone with them when he either couldn’t be bothered looking for a guy to hook-up with or he was too tied up with work to have the time for a hook-up. This was different. Toys weren’t real flesh and blood, nor were they attached to a guy he had fallen in love with. Merlin thought he was average but he was far from it. Brandon could feel the way he filled him and he was healthily-endowed and he needed to take a few moments to get used to it. Definitely firsts conquered together. He ran his hands down Merlin’s toned back to reach his ass, giving it a soft squeeze to coax him to move. “I’m ready. You feel incredible, holy fuck. I’m just… going to apologise in advance if I can’t last.”
Merlin was enthralled watching and listening to Brandon’s responses to him entering him. This didn’t feel as natural to him as some people indicated it would. He felt awkward, like he was fumbling it a little because he didn’t quite know how to navigate it as smoothly as a seasoned love-maker. Brandon was guiding him and Merlin found he enjoyed taking his little cues. Finding a rhythm here definitely wasn’t as easy as he found finding one in dance. He didn’t know how fast or slow to go but it got easier. He bit down on his lip and rested his forehead against Brandon’s. “Can I touch you? Will that push you over too quick?”
“Fuck,” Brandon moaned when Merlin managed to take him just a little deeper with his latest thrust and he arched his back into it. “Yes… fuck, yes. Just… softly, slowly…” Merlin’s hand around his dick along with his cock in his ass sent such a bolt of pleasure through him, stars shot through his peripheral vision. He opened his eyes to make sure it wasn’t a warning sign he was going to pass out but it was all good. Extremely good. Probably near the best he had ever felt and he didn’t mean physically. That just happened to make the emotions even more raw and intense. He couldn’t keep up talking and wanted to keep kissing Merlin. It didn’t take long for them to find a comfortable rhythm together. He felt Merlin relax into it and the tension melted away from his body. He managed to last an impressive amount of time considering he had been really sick, the night before was one of the worst of his life, and he had been battling with chemo-induced ED but soon he was coming undone. His breathing deepened and he tried to pull Merlin even more close but it wasn’t physically possible. Feeling the climax hit fast, he knew there was no point in fighting it and he came with a deep groan, his legs wrapped around Merlin.
Merlin felt when Brandon was veering close. There were little pulsating throbs through his dick and his body tightened, making it difficult for Merlin to push his stamina much further. Brandon was absolutely fucking gorgeous when he came and Merlin watched for a few moments until it pushed him over the edge too. He caught Brandon’s lips in a bruising kiss, managing a few more thrusts before he came soon after, closely followed by the sharp realisation that he had, indeed, just officially lost his virginity. In the post-coital haze, it took all his effort not to just flop down on top of Brandon to catch his breath but he was still conscious of not hurting him. He was about to pull out but Brandon’s hands on his ass stopped him and he lifted his head to see what was wrong. “Y’okay?”
“Not yet. I wanna cuddle,” Brandon panted with a tired smile. He gave Merlin another fleeting kiss and wrapped his arms around him to invite Merlin to lie with him before he pulled out. “Fuck, that was better than I thought. Feel like I can sleep for a week, though,” he said through a laugh, kissing Merlin’s head.
“Me too.” Merlin was happy to oblige and easily sunk into Brandon’s embrace, head on his shoulder and still inside him even if his erection had lost its steam. He noticed for the first time how sweaty they both were and he hummed when a blanket of contentment settled over him. He could feel Brandon’s soft heartbeats against his cheek and he was stroking his hand back and forth across Brandon’s chest as they snuggled. “I love you. I’m glad you were my first. You’re falling asleep, aren’t you?”
He heard Brandon’s breathing even out and he lifted his head to see his face. He was already out and Merlin smiled at how content he looked. Carefully testing to see if he would wake Brandon if he moved, it was obvious Brandon was out for the count. Understandable. It had been a really tough night and this was an unexpected result of it. He pulled out carefully and got up to discard the condom in the trash in the bathroom.
Tiptoeing, he quietly drew all the blinds in the cottage and the only light he left on was the lamp on Brandon’s side of the bed. He slipped back in beside him and pulled the covers up over them both, cuddling into Brandon’s side with a gentle kiss to his shoulder. For a little while, he alternated between watching Brandon sleep and gazing at Brandon’s cuff bracelet now nestled securely around his wrist. It was so much more than a romantic gesture and it meant the world to him. He sent a small wish out to the higher beings listening that Brandon could have a long, uneventful sleep and woke up peacefully. Fuck knew, they both needed the peace.
LOG, COMPLETE
What: First times and bad times
Where: Nebraska, cont...
When: After this
Merlin was usually a pretty steady sleeper. He worked so hard these days with both his physically-demanding job, study, and PR commitments that once his head it the pillow, he would be out until his alarm went off. Since he had been sharing a bed with Brandon, he found himself waking more during the night. Tonight, it seemed like his subconscious was at play when he woke and realised he was in the bed alone and the vacant spot beside him was cold.
They were still snowed in at the Nebraska guesthouse cottage. The owners had telephoned through to them earlier in the evening to give them the heads-up that it could be another couple of days before the snow eased enough to get a plow on the driveway and roads out of the property. There was nothing they could do but sit tight and wait it out and they were both okay with that.
Brandon’s idea to get a place to stay for some much-needed rest had been exactly what they needed. Being there alone together without distractions meant they could rest and talk and just have time getting to know each other more. After their significant deep-and-meaningful chat the day before, they successfully shared some soup and settled in bed to watch The Birdcage on Brandon’s laptop. Brandon fell asleep about two-thirds the way through so they took a nap together while another heavy snowfall set in outside. They woke up and made out for a little while, then had a cup of tea and sat on the window seat of the bay window watching the snow fall outside wrapped up in the quilt from the bed.
It had been such a nice day that they were both lulled into a false sense of security that the worst of it was behind them… for now. Merlin’s migraine hangover eased with the soup and a good rest and Brandon hadn’t been sick in close to 48 hours straight, a record for him since he started chemo. He still had the hot and cold sweats on and off and the nausea was there but not enough to make him sick. Merlin noticed he even looked a little better with some colour in his cheeks and his eyes a little less heavy with fatigue. He had some aches and pains in the evening which caused him a little distress when his medication didn’t do much to help it, so Merlin gave him a massage and tucked him up with a hot water bottle for his stomach. Brandon fell asleep early, not long after 7pm so Merlin took out a new book he packed for the trip and read while Brandon slept.
When he woke now, nearing 2am, the book tumbled to the floor from where he had fallen asleep with it on his chest. He was too distracted with the cold spot in the bed next to him to worry about picking the book up. He switched the lamp on, squinting against the light. It wasn’t uncommon for him to fall asleep with his glasses on. He had to get a set of extra-strength frames because he broke them a few times. They had fallen off in his sleep and disappeared between his and Brandon’s pillows so he shoved them on his face and scanned the cottage. He couldn’t see Brandon. Other than the bathroom, everything was in the one little room. He wouldn’t have been surprised if Brandon struggled to stay asleep with the pain he had been in and gotten up.
Merlin threw the covers back and padded over to the bathroom. He could see the light on beneath the closed door and his stomach did a little flip-flop of worry. Softly knocking, he leaned close to the door. “Brandon? Are you okay in there, darlin’?” There was no answer, so he put his ear to the door and his heart felt like it bungee jumped out of his chest and slammed into a wall when he heard crying. Not just simple crying, it was heart-wrenching distressed sobs. He could never have just walked away and opened the door, hoping Brandon didn’t mind if he wasn’t decent or was caught in an embarrassing situation.
Brandon was huddled up in a ball in the corner between the shower and toilet. Merlin started to panic when he took the whole scene in at once. There were a couple of bottles of pills scattered across the tiles and heavy drops of blood spattered between them, with more smeared across the toilet bowl and up over the vanity. Brandon had been sick and hadn’t made the toilet at least once and there were bunches of crushed toilet paper soaked in blood piled up around Brandon’s feet.
Merlin dropped down beside him, trying to embrace him at the same time as analyse if he was still bleeding. Brandon’s face and throat were covered in streaks of blood and Merlin carefully touched his fingers to Brandon’s nose. It was still bleeding. There was no toilet paper left so he grabbed one of the bath towels and carefully held it to Brandon’s nose. He would apologise to the owners when they checked out and cover any costs for the damage. “Brandon, try to sit forward a little for me, sweetie. We need to try to get this bleeding stopped.”
“I-I can’t d-do this… I-I can’t...” Brandon sobbed, choking on the words through the tears and ending up in a coughing fit when the blood trickled down the back of his throat. He gripped Merlin’s arm, desperately trying to cling to him like a lifeline.
“Have you taken pills, darlin’? I need you to tell me if you’ve taken more pills than you should’ve.” Merlin was trying to stay calm but his panic was rapidly building inside him. If Brandon had done something like overdose on his medication, what the hell would happen if they were snowed in and they couldn’t get him urgent medical attention?
Brandon was hit with a renewed bout of deep sobbing. “I… I-I tried. Then I… I got scared. I didn’t… didn’t want to scare you. I… m-made… made myself sick. I fucked up. I… it’s… I can’t keep doing this. It h-hurts.”
A little wave of relief washed over Merlin that he didn’t have to worry that Brandon wasn’t going to have to be wheeled out in a body bag after the blizzard stopped. It was a mess but it wasn’t immediately fatal. He still had to keep the towel to Brandon’s nose but he wrapped a protective arm around him and kissed his head. “You can and you will. I’m here with you. I’m going to be here with you every time it gets bad like this and feels like you can’t make it through. You’re scared. You didn’t fuck up. I’ve got you. I’m not going anywhere.”
Merlin didn’t attempt to keep Brandon talking. He was barely managing it through the distressed sobs and when he tried, he kept choking up because his nose was bleeding. He just held him and kept whispering tender reassurances to his ear. They sat like that for close to two hours and Brandon cried the whole time. The tears didn’t abate when his nose stopped bleeding or when he was wracked with fits of coughing and retching. He knew that Brandon’s rock bottom wasn’t the other night when he got drunk like he thought. This, tonight, was rock bottom and he completely understood why he hit it. To feel constantly sick, exhausted, in pain. To have your body betraying you when you were used to be in tip-top health and fitness. They had a good day and covered a lot of ground while they did, but that didn’t at all erase the fact Brandon still had leukemia and chemo was wreaking havoc on his body. Something had to have triggered all this but it wasn’t vital he knew what straight away. He didn’t need to know to help Brandon.
When Brandon’s tears did finally began to settle, Merlin softly coaxed him to close his eyes and try to rest a little. He still held him. He didn’t let go. He had a numb bum from sitting on cold tiles and pins and needles in his foot and arm. None of that mattered. Brandon dozed off for about twenty minutes, give or take. Merlin tried to clean a little of the blood off his face but he couldn’t do much without water.
Brandon started to cough and woke himself up. He was in a haze of pain and he ran his tongue over his cracked lips. He could taste blood and it turned his stomach but thankfully it didn’t make him throw up. Reality set in again, especially when he saw the mess the bathroom was in. Merlin’s warm embrace was soothing and he needed it more than anything with the mess his emotions got him in. “I’m so sorry…” he whispered tearfully and put his hand over his face. “I lost my shit.”
“It’s okay. No beating yourself up. I understand.” Merlin took Brandon’s hand from his face and pressed a lingering kiss to his palm. “Will you let me clean you up and help you back to bed in the warm? You’re shivering. I’ll get you something clean to change into and we’ll try to clean you up with some warm water. Do you feel sick? Do you think you can drink a little? A cup of tea might help.”
“I don’t know. I don’t feel like I know anything.” Brandon was still teary and shaky. He looked at the blood on his hands and his eyes mapped the mess in the bathroom. For that awful few moments of terror where he swallowed a handful of pills, this is what he truly thought his should end, after all he had done and achieved. For those few moments, he thought he would be doing Merlin a favour but lucky panic took over and he realised his mistake. Then everything in his head snowballed and got too much, too overwhelming, too terrifying. It was the grief process. He had been through denial and anger, now he had veered into depression and it knocked him hard. He put his hands over his face again when he couldn’t fight back more crying when the deep reality that he had cancer and could die kept hitting him. “Fuck, I don’t wanna die.”
Merlin stopped trying to be a uselessly helpful nursemaid. It was his go-to reaction when he felt helpless and just wanted to do whatever he could to make this a tiny bit easier for Brandon. But Brandon was in pieces here. The reality of his diagnosis had come crashing down around him. Maybe he thought it was best to just get death over with. What was the point in suffering this much through treatment, side effects, symptoms, if you were just going to die anyway? He shifted to kneel in front of Brandon and wrapped his arms around him as protectively as he could without causing him pain. Brandon’s sobs were reverberating through his whole body and Merlin’s heart hurt as if it was physically damaged and he started to cry too. “I love you. I’m scared too. Scared of how much pain you’re in, scared of losing you,” he said tearfully to Brandon’s ear, not even sure if he would hear.
Brandon heard. He heard every word and as much as he wanted to stop himself crying and get over this break down, a renewed wave of tears came. His arms were around Merlin, clinging to him as much as he could with his energy depleted and his body feeling weak. He had never let anyone in his life see him this vulnerable but this was Merlin and it didn’t feel wrong to break with him. Everything else felt wrong and he didn’t even know anymore if he had it in him to keep fighting. He just wanted to stop feeling so shit long enough to be able to enjoy the best thing that had ever happened to him crossing his path at the same time the worst was happening.
Merlin hadn’t touched a drop of alcohol but when he woke up, he felt a little rough. It just went to show that emotions could whack you just as much as booze. Yet again, he was in the bed alone and panic rose inside him. He shoved the covers off and in his rush to get untangled from them, fell in a heap on the floor when his foot caught in the edge. He banged his knee and narrowly avoided cracking his head on the nightstand, but it was the last thing he was concerned about. The bathroom was empty, though there was a wet towel on the floor and water drops over the glass shower screen, the scent of vanilla and almond of Brandon’s shower gel still lingering in the air.
His confused gaze did a repeat sweep of the bathroom, unsure where Brandon was. It was clean now. After Merlin got Brandon back to bed in the very early hours of the morning, he cleaned the mess up. Blood, vomit, pills, sweat, tears. It didn’t matter what it took, he knew he had to do it for Brandon. He didn’t need to see the reminders of his mistake, made in terror and fear. He hadn’t been able to rescue some of the towels and the bathmat copped a lot of it. The bath had been where Brandon stuck his fingers down his throat to make himself bring all the pills back up. Merlin hadn’t wanted to interrogate him but he had worked with Justin long enough to know that it was important to act fast.
No one ever hounded Justin with the details of his suicide attempts, of course, but Caden was an incredible boss and put many safety measures in place to protect Justin in his work place and indeed any of his cast and crew from mental health impacts. They had all taken mental health first-aid and Caden had plans in place everyone knew how to action if Justin had a bad episode at work. Merlin knew enough to know how important it was to find out what Brandon took, how much, and how long it had been in his system. Some urgent questioning had Brandon admitting he took a handful of his pain meds but as soon as he swallowed them, he made himself sick. So much that he scraped the back of his throat with his nails and the force of it all made his nose start to bleed. Brandon was conscious and lucid, albeit distressed from what happened, but he seemed to have averted his own disaster before he didn’t himself too much damage.
Brandon had cried in Merlin’s arms for close to an hour and had been a wreck after it. Merlin cleaned him up with some warm water and put him to bed to sleep it off. Brandon was out cold as soon as his head hit the pillow and he was in the same spot when Merlin finished cleaning the bathroom and finally crawled back into bed with him. So much so that he kept checking Brandon was still breathing before he finally allowed himself to relax enough to crash out himself. He knew that he really needed to talk to Jesse, even just to debrief and get advice but it would have to wait until he got some sleep. He didn’t want to end up with another migraine.
Running back out into the main part of the cottage, he grabbed his phone in case he needed to call for help. He checked around the corner where the kitchenette was tucked and glanced out the window to if the snow was still falling steadily as it had been the whole time they were at the cottage. He spotted Brandon straight away. The snow had definitely lifted. It looked like the down from the guesthouse had at least been shovelled and even though there was a lot of snow lying, it wasn’t falling anymore. Brandon was sitting on the top step of the porch, rugged up in his knee-length trenchcoat, a scarf, gloves, and a beanie. He was having a smoke, or probably a joint, and looked a million miles away. But he was breathing and he was protected from the cold weather. Instead of barging out there and interrogating him on how he felt, Merlin decided to let him have his alone time and went to take a quick shower himself.
Back in the amazing complimentary (though probably included in the rental price) fluffy bathrobe, Merlin came out of the bathroom, vigorously rubbing his his curly hair to try to dry it off and he got a bit of a fright and jumped when he saw Brandon sitting on the side of the bed. He dropped the towel and put his hand on his chest. “Oh, shit, you scared me! I thought you were still outside.” He went over to him and cupped his hand under Brandon’s chin to give him a soft kiss to his lips. His thumb skimmed Brandon’s cheek, feeling the roughness of a day-old stubble. It was sexy as hell. Brandon rocked the slightly rugged look. “I need to know but I won’t ask the question if you don’t want me to. I know you’re probably sick of hearing it.”
Brandon smiled and wrapped his arms around Merlin’s waist. He rubbed his back and let one hand drop lower to his ass. “Am I okay or how am I feeling? I’m not sick of hearing it from you. I know you’re taking care of me and you can’t read my mind, so you need to ask. Just like I need to ask the same of you. I know I put you through the wringer last night. I just…” He shook his head, gnawing the corner of his lip. “When I woke up, you were spooning me. Your arm was so tight around me. You even had your leg tucked between mine, like you were subconsciously trying to be a body shield to protect me. And I knew then, in that moment, that I’ll get through this somehow with you there with me. I’ve always been alone and now I don’t have to be.”
“No, you don’t.” Merlin brushed Brandon’s hair back from his face and kissed his forehead. “And I want you to know that you don’t need to apologise for last night. You don’t need to feel ashamed. You don’t need to hate yourself for hitting rock bottom. Every single thing you felt last night was real and valid. I know you battle with yourself a lot about who you should be or what mask you should be putting up. You don’t need any of that with me. You know why? Because I’ve now seen you at your very worst and I want you to know, I meant every word I said last night. I love you, at your best and at your worst of worst. I would do last night again all over for you if I had to.”
Brandon gazed up at Merlin, his tongue sweeping his lips. “I love you too,” he whispered, taking a deep breath and holding it, almost like he was suspending the words and suspending them for a little longer after they left his mouth. He had never said that to anyone. Coaxing Merlin to sit on his lap, he put his hand in his pocket and took out his silver cuff bracelet, holding it up to Merlin. “I want you to have this. I want you to have something that just means us because I know when we get back to New York, shit’s going to get tough trying to navigate my work shitstorm and juggling my treatment, what the treatment does to me. No matter what happens, I want you to know this is the real me, this is what I really feel.”
With a tiny frown, Merlin took the bracelet from Brandon but he was shaking his head. “N-No. Shit, no. You never take this off, darlin’. Well, almost never. You took it off last night. I found it in the bathroom sink. Even before we met, I know you wear it all the time. At press junkets, for interviews… this means something to you.”
“Yep, it means everything to me. Norm gave it to me a few months after I met them. It’s a family heirloom. They have Native American ancestry. They never knew the exact origins, it was just passed down. They wanted me to have something special, something resembling a family history they knew I didn’t have of my own. I want you to have it. I want to know that whenever we’re in a room where I’m pretending to be in love with Autumn under the watchful eye of The Powers That Be that I can see you wearing it and remember why all that other shit is happening.” Brandon wasn’t sure he knew how else to put this in words. There didn’t seem to be enough to describe it. Instead, he started to kiss Merlin deeply and it soon got heated, desperate almost. He broke it, trying to catch his breath and rested his forehead against Merlin’s but all he could do was wet his lips again and resume the kiss, hungry to show him how he felt beyond insufficient words.
Merlin’s body responded to the hungry kisses. He tugged on the sash of his robe to get it undone and took Brandon’s hand, guiding it to his dick and wrapped Brandon’s fingers around him. He paused the kiss only momentarily to whisper against Brandon’s lips, “I want you. I want this--” He sucked in a sharp breath, now his turn to bite his lip through a soft moan of pleasure. “I wanna make love with you. I’m ready. You don’t need to double check on that, I really am. I’m pretty sure I have been from the moment I met you. I just… don’t really know what to do.”
Brandon didn’t question Merlin after his reassurances that he was ready. He nodded, claiming a few more kisses in between Merlin’s urgent words, his hand stroking up and down Merlin’s erection which definitely felt very ready to go here. He pushed the robe off Merlin’s shoulder and kissed down his throat, nuzzling his ear. “It’s okay, we’ll work it out together. I want you to make love to me...”
“But you don’t do that,” Merlin murmured through a hitched breath. He put his hand over Brandon’s, stilling the stroking with a shaky laugh. “I’m gonna come if you keep going there. I need it to last. You don’t have to do this, I know it’s not your thing. Ohmygodfuckholdon or I’m really gonna come,” he added in a rush, scrunching his face up with a soft whimper as he tried to will his body to slow down.
“I said I only want to do it with someone I really care about,” Brandon reminded him, smiling at Merlin’s battle with his stamina. He was eager to get Merlin naked, pulling the robe off further, his lips meeting Merlin’s for more kisses. Taking Merlin’s hand from his own dick, he brought it to his lips kiss the back of it. “Wait. Hold on, baby. I’m gonna get you off, okay? I don’t want to rush any of this. Your first time shouldn’t be rushed. We’ve got time. I wanna take the time. I’ll get you off and we’ll go again when you get your second wind. Fuck, you’re beautiful. Take the robe off, I want you naked...”
Merlin stood and he felt a flutter of excited nervous flicker in his belly. As soon as he was up, Brandon was helping him out of the robe. The desire for nakedness was mutual and he was fumbling to help Brandon out of his sweater. At least he wasn’t in leather and denim this time like he usually was. A sweater and trackpants were easier to navigate him out of him. Without the robe, he found himself feeling suddenly exposed and vulnerable but it wasn’t in a bad way. Just a little surreal because this was as intimate as he had ever gotten with anyone and he was conscious of the fact he was very freaking hard and Brandon was well-endowed. He was a typical guy, he couldn’t completely avoid the urge for comparison but he knew Brandon had already told him he had a nice dick. He wasn’t alone, though, and soon, he had Brandon out of his clothes too. They pushed the covers back and crawled into bed together. He was on his back, his heart pounding and his breath quickened from all the kissing. Brandon was knelt over him so he smiled up at him, reaching up to feather his fingers through Brandon’s hair. “I’m nervous,” he admitted.
Brandon returned the smile and followed it with another kiss. “Me too. I’ve never done this for anything more than just having fun.” He started to kiss down Merlin’s throat, his chest, his belly, his hips. He couldn’t stop kissing Merlin, feeling the hunger buzzing within him, melting away the horrors of the night before. Merlin was so gorgeous naked and Brandon wanted to get as close to him as he could, in any way possible. He nuzzled Merlin’s groin and kissed his length before taking him into his mouth. He busied one hand with fondling Merlin’s balls and reached the other up to take Merlin’s hands, weaving their fingers together with a reassuring squeeze.
Merlin had a lot of thoughts swirling through his mind. He couldn’t quite believe the moment he wanted to lose his v-card was finally here but more than that, he couldn’t believe it was The Brandon Blake naked between his legs, going down on him, had just told him he loved him. How was this happening? He was just an average small-town Southern guy doing his own thing. It was proof life could work in mysterious ways and perhaps proof kismet did exist. And he finished woefully quick because he had already been ready to explode but Brandon’s suggestion to get him off so they could take their time with the main act made sense. He knew he would’ve blown as soon as Brandon was inside him, if not before, if they didn’t do this. As soon as he was done and watch Brandon swallow, he tugged on his hand. “Kiss me,” he pleaded breathlessly.
Brandon didn’t need to be asked twice and it was hot that Merlin wanted to try it. He crawled up the bed and straddled over Merlin, kissing him deeply. Merlin’s taste was still on his lips and he expected Merlin to pull away and not be a fan. Some guys just weren’t, just like some girls weren’t. After it, he kissed the tip of Merlin’s nose and settled in beside him, tracing the tip of his finger over Merlin’s lips. “What’s the verdict? Not horrified at the taste?”
“Uneventful? I don’t know what I was expecting,” Merlin laughed and rolled onto his side so he could get as close to Brandon as he could to snuggle, pulling the covers up so Brandon didn’t catch a chill in all his gorgeous naked glory. Beneath them, he couldn’t keep his hands off him. This close, he could feel Brandon pressed against and he licked his lips. “You’re hard,” he whispered.
Brandon nodded, eyes following the tip of Merlin’s tongue skate over his lips. “Very. You’re so irresistible that chemo couldn’t even win this time. You okay? I want you to be sure about this. You don’t have to go through with it if you change your mind,” he murmured, rubbing Merlin’s back, feeling how toned he was. Merlin was a gorgeous little package, complete with six-pack and well proportioned in all the right places. “You’re amazing.”
“I’m sure. I’m ready and I want it to be you. All this, it just feels right.” Merlin didn’t know if he was referencing their new relationship in its entirety or being here in the cottage where they had to conquer hurdles together. “I’ve been trying to imagine what it would feel like. I was never hugely into porn. I like the more realistic stuff that’s not too staged. You’ve definitely been, um… fuel for certain morning activities since I met you. Oh my god, I totally wasn’t going to confess to that bit,” he laughed, burying his face against Brandon’s shoulder.
“Oh, yeah?” Brandon laughed at Merlin’s bashfulness and dug him back out from his burrowing so he could see his face. “Do you realise how hot it is to think about you jerking off in the shower? Do you realise how much that makes me want to watch you?” He nudged Merlin onto his back again, pushing the covers down to expose Merlin’s torso and hips. He took his hand and guided him to reach down and touch himself. Kissing Merlin’s shoulder, then his chest. With his eyes on Merlin’s hand fisted around himself, he swirled his tongue over his nipple.
Merlin swallowed and inhaled deeply. Brandon had the way of making the simplest things sexy and Merlin was getting addicted to it. Still a virgin and he was ready to try anything Brandon suggested. He was shy and a little embarrassed at first. He lay there holding his dick, feeling something akin to stage fright with Brandon watching him, especially when he didn’t have another boner yet but he knew it wouldn’t take a whole lot to be ready for Round Two. He pushed his palm against his length and felt his heartbeats speed up with anticipation as he watched Brandon watching him. With a burst of confidence, he stroked his hand up slowly, then down again. His body was easily reacting, it felt like all his nerves endings throughout were stimulated and ready to keep going. Not to mention Brandon’s tongue doing that to his nipple was making him multiple different types of turned on, causing him to make some interesting little whimpering noises, another reminder how ready for this he was.
Brandon moved back to Merlin’s lips with a tender kiss, watching his face closely. “I want you to top, sweetheart. We can switch up next time. You don’t need to be the only one facing firsts here. I want to enjoy everything about this after everything’s been so…” He paused, biting his lip with a small shake of his head. “There’s no words, really. You’ve taken care of me all the way through and I trust you more than I’ve ever trusted anyone. Literally my whole life. I just want you to know that. That’s not why I want this, though.”
Merlin’s attention shifted from his nether regions when Brandon was talking to him. In this soft cottage lighting, Brandon’s eyes looked darker, if that was possible. “Because there’s feelings,” he murmured and stroked the backs of his fingers over Brandon’s bare chest. As nervous as he was about having sex for the first time, there was something so easy and content just lying there naked with Brandon for the first time too. At first, his comparison to Brandon gave him anxiety. He felt so plain in comparison. Brandon was really tall and Merlin was a short-ass. Brandon was hung, Merlin was average. He stopped making comparisons between them quickly when he realised it was stupid. He knew now Brandon thought he was incredible and that was the only thing that mattered.
“More than feelings. The feeling.” Brandon reached behind him where he had stashed his cuff bracelet when he and Merlin got into bed together. “I want you to have this. Look, I can buy you anything. I was even Googling when I was outside having a smoke to see who I could get to deliver you flowers once the roads were clear. I could have Cartier jewellery FedEx’ed to you the same day I purchase it. But I didn’t want to just give you things because it’s not about giving you anything. It’s about… fuck… am I even making sense here?”
Merlin smiled and wrapped his hand around the bracelet. “You make more sense than you realise. You’re just not used to this stuff. You’ve never done it before, how can you just know how to explain it when you’ve never had it or never even knew you wanted it? Besides, I only want you to explain things however you can and if you can’t, that’s cool. We’ll figure it out. I just want to make one little proviso because I know how much this bracelet means to you. If it didn’t, you wouldn’t rarely take it off. You might not have been born to Norm and Joan’s family but ever since they gave it to you, it’s been just as much an heirloom to you as it is to them. It’s your family, so if we ever break up, I give it back.” He looked closer at the bracelet which he always just assumed was a fashion piece. He knew Brandon had a tattoo that Jace designed on his back, an owl and a centaur. Centaur for his Sagittarius star sign and the owl was his Native American zodiac sign. When he saw it the first time Brandon took his shirt off, he asked him about it and Brandon explained it, but he also said he felt an affinity to the owl and its symbolism. Later that night, while Brandon slept, he Googled more about it and found it was linked to symbols of mystery, mysticism and secrets. Brandon in a nutshell. “It’s beautiful. Are you sure you want me to have it?”
It was hard to think about breaking up with Merlin. They were so new, they couldn’t even be classified as the honeymoon phase yet. It hadn’t been much of a ‘honeymoon’. He knew it wasn’t Merlin saying they would broke up but neither of them could know what the future would bring. Which is when he felt a cold sensation creep up his spine and he took a sharp breath because it was the last thing he wanted to think about considering they were cozy and leading up to having sex for the first time. “I, um…” He scratched his forehead, cursing softly under his breath. “This is going to ruin the fucking mood. Let’s just forget about it.” He took the bracelet off Merlin and put it back on the bedside table. The thoughts had already infiltrated his mind, though. It was hard to just brush them off.
Merlin rolled over onto his stomach so he could reach over Brandon to get the bracelet again. “Hey, hold on. I know that look. And I’m going to say this because I know you need to hear it. If you die, I’ll keep it and I’ll keep wearing it. Your death and a break up are not even remotely the same things. Okay?” Brandon had averted his gaze probably without even realising he had. Merlin saw the shadow pass his face and he spotted what it was immediately. He touched his fingers to Brandon’s cheek, coaxing him to look back and he gave him a lingering soft kiss. He gave the bracelet back and held his wrist up for Brandon to put it on and then gazed at him through heavy-hooded eyes. He took Brandon’s hand and eased it between their bodies to his dick, with its renewed erection. “Can I make love to you now, darlin’?” he whispered.
Brandon was awed that Merlin so easily knew what was bothering him and hearing the reassurances helped so much. The worry melted away with Merlin’s kiss and his smile with those cute dimples. He was so fucking sexy and it was easy for Brandon to come back to the moment… to their moment. “I hope so. Fingers crossed nothing in my body decides to jinx it. Let me get the supplies.” He slipped out of bed and padded over to where his bag was still half-packed on the sofa by the window.
Merlin scrambled to prop himself up on his elbows, watching Brandon’s delicious naked butt heading across the room. “Supplies?!” he squeaked.
Brandon laughed and held up a strip of condoms and a tube of lube. “What did you think I meant? Handcuffs and a blindfold? I love you baby, but I’m not bottoming for the first time without lube and I’m certainly fucking not letting you do it either. It hurts without lube and prep. I know that without a shadow of a doubt. Any guy who sleeps with other guys will tell you that.” He was back in bed in a flash, offering the tube to Merlin.
“I didn’t even think of this stuff. Actually, I didn’t even think we would get to this point on the trip because of how ill you were. Even then, I’m pretty sure I still would’ve been clueless,” Merlin admitted sheepishly, reading the side of the tube. Casual sex didn’t appeal to him whatsoever so he never saw a need to be prepared, even if his adoptive dad - and then Jesse - told him many times to carry rubbers on him ‘just in case’. Then he felt himself blush and gave a little bashful laugh. “Uh, I don’t know what I’m supposed to do. Foreplay? I know what that is. But the actual, um, logistics?” Oh, fuck, did he suddenly sound like the world’s biggest virgin.
“You’re a nail-biter, we’re pretty safe. Don’t stress. It’s easy, you can’t do it wrong. It’s just like making out with extras. Start with one, get to two, aim for three,” Brandon explained, holding a finger up for each step and settled on his back beside Merlin again. He took the tube from him and squeezed a generous amount onto Merlin’s fingers for him, then tossed it aside on the bed so he could pull him into a kiss.
It was hard for Merlin to shake the worry that he was going to get this all wrong, it was natural for any first time. But he was super-conscious of Brandon’s fragile state and traumatic side effects that had been hitting him with clockwork consistency. What was easy was to get lost in Brandon’s kisses and to fall into a rhythm of foreplay and making out. He was freaking relieved Brandon got him off just a little while before otherwise he would’ve come as soon as his finger was inside Brandon. Even then, he had to pause now and again to slow down so he didn’t finish before they even got to sex. It was slow and tender, not all hungry kissing and desperate touches. They chatted and even laughed together a couple of times. Until Brandon told him he was ready and Merlin got hit with a wave of fresh nerves and anxiety, fumbling around the bed to find where the condoms went. “Okay, shit… I don’t know what to do!”
“You do, sweetheart. I promise it’s not rocket science. It’s just basic anatomy. It’s probably going to hurt regardless, so don’t freak out on me,” Brandon murmured, tearing off one of the condoms from the strip that had been by his hip the whole time. He tore the wrapper open with his teeth and took it out. “Want me to put it on for you?”
Merlin was lying on his side beside Brandon and gave a quick nod, wetting his lips. “That’s really hot…” he breathed, watching Brandon’s nimble fingers expertly slip the condom on. “How do we do this? Is there a way that’s less uncomfortable for you? I kind of want to be facing you, is that okay? But whatever you want! I’m seriously trying not to freak out about hurting you. Are you sure you’re well enough? You’ve been in a lot of pain and I’ve been really worried about you. If this is too much or too soon…”
Brandon gave Merlin a kiss, cutting his words off before he got himself into a sheer panic. “Now I understand. You’re extra-scared and cautious because you think it’s going to be more painful because of the leukemia.” He shook his head, smiling. “Different sort of pain, baby. Think flu aches and pains. This is a sting and your dick isn’t the first thing I’ll ever have up there, you know. I haven’t been nervous about the pain just the emotions, the vulnerability. The non-physical stuff. Like this, come here, sweetheart.” He pulled Merlin on top of him and wrapped his arms around him, smiling as he searched his eyes and offered another kiss of reassurance.
“You leave me with that? Other things up there? I think my ADHD is trying to kick in here. I have, like, multiple different trains of thought, none of which are keeping me focused. Feel free to keep kissing me as much as you like. Everything else goes out of my head when you do.” Merlin shifted back to kneel between Brandon’s legs and took a deep breath to brace himself, letting it out slowly. Soon, he got there and it was easier once he realised it clearly wasn’t agonising for Brandon. Quite the opposite. Uncomfortable, maybe, but he wasn’t in pain. As soon as Merlin was inside him, Brandon pulled him down into a kiss as requested. “Is this okay? Are you okay?” he murmured against Brandon’s lips, still needing to check, just in case.
Brandon nodded, exhaling slowly while his body adjusted to this new sensation. He owned toys and he wasn’t at all shy about getting himself off alone with them when he either couldn’t be bothered looking for a guy to hook-up with or he was too tied up with work to have the time for a hook-up. This was different. Toys weren’t real flesh and blood, nor were they attached to a guy he had fallen in love with. Merlin thought he was average but he was far from it. Brandon could feel the way he filled him and he was healthily-endowed and he needed to take a few moments to get used to it. Definitely firsts conquered together. He ran his hands down Merlin’s toned back to reach his ass, giving it a soft squeeze to coax him to move. “I’m ready. You feel incredible, holy fuck. I’m just… going to apologise in advance if I can’t last.”
Merlin was enthralled watching and listening to Brandon’s responses to him entering him. This didn’t feel as natural to him as some people indicated it would. He felt awkward, like he was fumbling it a little because he didn’t quite know how to navigate it as smoothly as a seasoned love-maker. Brandon was guiding him and Merlin found he enjoyed taking his little cues. Finding a rhythm here definitely wasn’t as easy as he found finding one in dance. He didn’t know how fast or slow to go but it got easier. He bit down on his lip and rested his forehead against Brandon’s. “Can I touch you? Will that push you over too quick?”
“Fuck,” Brandon moaned when Merlin managed to take him just a little deeper with his latest thrust and he arched his back into it. “Yes… fuck, yes. Just… softly, slowly…” Merlin’s hand around his dick along with his cock in his ass sent such a bolt of pleasure through him, stars shot through his peripheral vision. He opened his eyes to make sure it wasn’t a warning sign he was going to pass out but it was all good. Extremely good. Probably near the best he had ever felt and he didn’t mean physically. That just happened to make the emotions even more raw and intense. He couldn’t keep up talking and wanted to keep kissing Merlin. It didn’t take long for them to find a comfortable rhythm together. He felt Merlin relax into it and the tension melted away from his body. He managed to last an impressive amount of time considering he had been really sick, the night before was one of the worst of his life, and he had been battling with chemo-induced ED but soon he was coming undone. His breathing deepened and he tried to pull Merlin even more close but it wasn’t physically possible. Feeling the climax hit fast, he knew there was no point in fighting it and he came with a deep groan, his legs wrapped around Merlin.
Merlin felt when Brandon was veering close. There were little pulsating throbs through his dick and his body tightened, making it difficult for Merlin to push his stamina much further. Brandon was absolutely fucking gorgeous when he came and Merlin watched for a few moments until it pushed him over the edge too. He caught Brandon’s lips in a bruising kiss, managing a few more thrusts before he came soon after, closely followed by the sharp realisation that he had, indeed, just officially lost his virginity. In the post-coital haze, it took all his effort not to just flop down on top of Brandon to catch his breath but he was still conscious of not hurting him. He was about to pull out but Brandon’s hands on his ass stopped him and he lifted his head to see what was wrong. “Y’okay?”
“Not yet. I wanna cuddle,” Brandon panted with a tired smile. He gave Merlin another fleeting kiss and wrapped his arms around him to invite Merlin to lie with him before he pulled out. “Fuck, that was better than I thought. Feel like I can sleep for a week, though,” he said through a laugh, kissing Merlin’s head.
“Me too.” Merlin was happy to oblige and easily sunk into Brandon’s embrace, head on his shoulder and still inside him even if his erection had lost its steam. He noticed for the first time how sweaty they both were and he hummed when a blanket of contentment settled over him. He could feel Brandon’s soft heartbeats against his cheek and he was stroking his hand back and forth across Brandon’s chest as they snuggled. “I love you. I’m glad you were my first. You’re falling asleep, aren’t you?”
He heard Brandon’s breathing even out and he lifted his head to see his face. He was already out and Merlin smiled at how content he looked. Carefully testing to see if he would wake Brandon if he moved, it was obvious Brandon was out for the count. Understandable. It had been a really tough night and this was an unexpected result of it. He pulled out carefully and got up to discard the condom in the trash in the bathroom.
Tiptoeing, he quietly drew all the blinds in the cottage and the only light he left on was the lamp on Brandon’s side of the bed. He slipped back in beside him and pulled the covers up over them both, cuddling into Brandon’s side with a gentle kiss to his shoulder. For a little while, he alternated between watching Brandon sleep and gazing at Brandon’s cuff bracelet now nestled securely around his wrist. It was so much more than a romantic gesture and it meant the world to him. He sent a small wish out to the higher beings listening that Brandon could have a long, uneventful sleep and woke up peacefully. Fuck knew, they both needed the peace.
LOG, COMPLETE