Merlin Timothy Blake (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
magicmoments) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
dreamlikenewyork2018-12-30 04:18 am
magicmoments) wrote in dreamlikenewyork2018-12-30 04:18 am
"Get my share of someone's tender loving care."
Who: Merlin Larson and Brandon Blake
What: Battle with the Big C
Where: Merlin's Place, NYC
When: After this
Merlin felt as if his midnight hunt around the house was more important than the quest for the Holy Grail. He had to find a blanket that wasn’t too warm for chemo sweats or too cool for leukemia chills, all whilst trying not to lose his complete shit and burst into tears because he was out of his depth but he wouldn’t want it any other way now he knew what was happening.
The jetlag got him and he crashed out hard on the bed with Brandon after Brandon confessed to him that he had cancer and could be dying. He woke up around nine desperately for the bathroom, meaning they must have been asleep for a good five hours. Brandon had still been asleep beside him, which Merlin took as a relatively good sign but he realised on his way back to his bedroom that he still didn’t know why Brandon was even at Jesse’s place. Apparently it had nothing to do with needing Jesse’s professional services. That made sense now more than before because Jesse didn’t work in Oncology.
Merlin was the sort to like answers, curious by nature and always one to ask loads of questions. It probably got annoying for some but he usually didn’t realise he was doing it. He had been like that since he was a kid. He went back to lie down, the room dark save for the beam of street light coming in through the window. The rain was still bucketing down outside and he listened to the rhythmic drumming on the window along with Brandon’s heavy breathing of sleep. Soon, jetlag pulled him back into a slumber.
When he woke up a second time, he was alone on the bed. He fumbled to turn the light on, first trying to feel for it on the wrong side, a little disoriented from the bed he occupied during his stay in London. He looked around blearily, hoping Brandon hadn’t gotten up to go home in the middle of the night while it was chucking down a freezing winter rain outside but he noticed Brandon’s leather jacket, jeans and boots were still where he left them on the armchair by the window. That was when he spotted a trail of blood smeared over his quilt cover and remembered what Brandon said about nosebleeds.
When he found Brandon in his en-suite bathroom, he almost literally shit his pants in fright. Brandon was out cold on his stomach on the tiles a puddle of blood beneath his cheek. There was a whole roll of toilet paper smeared with blood scrunched up and strewn between him and the toilet. There was vomit in the toilet and some of it had gotten on the arm of the hoodie Merlin leant him. The first thing Merlin did was check for a pulse because Brandon looked dead. There was no other way to describe it. He was pale and cool to touch but once he got closer, he realised he wasn’t so much cold as clammy and shivery. He wouldn’t be shivering if he was dead.
His nose looked like it had stopped bleeding but it had started to dry up and was cake over his face when Merlin rolled him onto his side into the recovery position. He had learned a lot since finding out Jesse was his brother and Jace was his brother-in-law… namely, first-aid and how to care for someone who was unconscious. The movement cause Brandon to come-to and made him throw up a bit. That had blood in it too. Merlin had nosebleeds himself in the past, being a bit clumsy, and it was horrible when it went down the back of your throat.
Brandon began trying to apologise but Merlin gentle hushed him, reassuring him it was okay. At first, he was thinking he should call Jesse for help or maybe even Christian who was a doctor. There was even Evan at a push, who was recovering from an operation but he would help as much as he could. Merlin hadn’t seen anyone but Jesse yet but he knew they were there. Jesse had emailed him all the latest updates with the family and it was epic cool Evan was back and he and Christian were back together.
When he asked Brandon how he was, Brandon reported that he felt hot and sick with a panicked warning that he was going to throw up again. It was a bit of a messy and clumsy feat but Merlin helped him scramble to the toilet just in time. He held Brandon’s blood-caked hair back out of his face for him and tried to wipe some of the blood from his cheek while he was throwing up. Any little had to help, right? He was out of his depth and he really didn’t know what he was doing because he never knew anyone who had cancer. He hadn’t even been around when Billy had cancer. Billy came back to the show when Merlin joined but he needed to return part-time, which is how Merlin got to jobshare the role of Willard with him.
How the hell had he gone from having one last whip around the London Eye with his houseshare friends from London to flying home to surprise Jesse to trying to hold a mega-star over his en-suite toilet while he was covered in blood throwing up? And not even any of this mess Brandon was in made him less hot in Merlin’s eyes. Since discovering he wasn’t really totally straight and realising he was admiring men more than just aesthetically for their talent and such, he had been developing inevitable crushes on celebs. He had been a huge fan of Brandon’s show since it started and in his own defence, Brandon’s character had somehow managed to hike up his hotness even more in the latest season. Merlin was no longer just jerking off each morning to get rid of morning wood, he was actively fantasising about naked men - there was just no way he was going to admit out loud that Brandon was a starring act in said fantasies, especially not considering this whole plot-twist.
And again, Brandon was trying to apologise. He could barely catch his breath but was using it trying to apologise and Merlin wanted to shower him with all the reassurances but he wasn’t sure again if words would be enough. He just kept telling him it was okay over and over and realised that if he called for back-up, whether it be Jesse or anyone else, it would probably only make feel Brandon feel worse having a bigger audience witness this stuff. He knew that from working with Justin. If Justin wasn’t well or was melting down, he could get really upset or agitated if people were gawping at him. Fame was probably all well and good, but fame and over-exposure were NOT the same thing, even if they often went hand-in-hand for people who hit the big time.
Then Brandon just wanted to lie on the tiles again where it was cool to recover. Still trying to catch his breath, he admitted he wasn’t sure if he was done being sick so Merlin told him it was okay to stay lying there if that’s what he felt he needed to do. Lying on tiles when you had cancer, though? The pits. There was no other way to describe it, which is what sent Merlin on the hunt for the not-too-hot and not-too-cold just right Goldilocks blanket. He came back with it when he found it, along with a pillow, a bucket of cleaning products, a drink bottle with straw filled with grape Pedialyte, and an icepack wrapped in a teatowel.
Brandon was sitting up, slumped against the side of the bath with a bloody handtowel up to his nose. “It started again. Shit, I’m sorry about the towel.” His words were muffled behind the bunched up towel and he was trying to rinse off his hand under a trickle of water in the tub. He couldn’t reach the taps to get it on harder without getting blood everywhere. Or at least more everywhere than he already had. Merlin’s crisp white and blue en-suite looked akin to a murder scene. When he woke up with a bleeding nose on Merlin’s bed, it had been the start of a shitty bout of reminders of the pitfalls of leukemia and chemotherapy.
“Oh, dear. It’s okay, it’s okay. As long as you keep apologising, I’ll keep telling you not to.” Merlin dug the icepack out of the bucket he was using a carry basket and helped Brandon sit up a little and lean forward. He put the icepack to the bridge of his nose, taking his hand so he could hold it there himself. This meant Merlin could help him finish rinsing the blood from his other hand. “If I ask you if you need urgent medical attention with all this bleeding, will you give me an honest answer? I’m not suggesting you’re a liar, just that I know you’ve probably had a gutful of doctors and hospitals. I won’t even call 911. I can get Christian. Jace’s big brother, Evan, his other half. They’re both doctors. Specialists, actually. But if it’s okay and all you really want to do to get through it is lie on the tiles to wait it out, that’s okay. I won’t let you be here alone, though. How’s it going? Is it slowing down?”
Brandon hesitantly took the towel from his nose for Merlin to assess the damage. “I’m so fucking glad you’re not squeamish. Over puke or blood. It’s no walk in the park for you to have all this forced onto you but it’s nice to not be alone. I’ve been alone a lot.” He rested his head down on the rib of the bath, closing his eyes. “If it’s stopping, it should be okay. I’m dizzy, I need to lie down.”
“Well, I have the same blood as Jesse and he’s pretty much one of the best nurses in the whole world. Some of it had to have rubbed off. Really, though, I wanted to learn more how to help someone who’s sick so I could help Jess or Jace if they have seizures. They both have really different types of seizures but still get really ill after them.” Merlin had been dabbing at Brandon’s face with a wet cloth to clean some of the blood away to see if his nose had stopped bleeding. It had eased right down, if not stopped completely. He put the pillow down on the tiles by the bath, away from any mess but close enough to the toilet if the nausea took over again. “Give me two seconds. I’ll help you change into a clean sweater.” It wasn’t much more than a few seconds that he shot through to his room and grabbed a long-sleeved pyjama top from his dresser. “This won’t be as warm as the hoodie. You might not feel so overheated in it.”
He helped Brandon into the clean top and put the blanket over him to try to take off a little of the chill. Merlin couldn’t think of anything worse than lying on bathroom tiles in the middle of winter but he also did know what it was like to have leukemia. He didn’t know what it was like to have chemo burning through your veins trying to kill said cancer cells. He wasn’t going to dictate to Brandon what he should or shouldn’t do to feel better. Brandon closed his eyes and seemed to doze in and out but was clearly pained. Merlin got about cleaning up the blood and flushed the toilet, wiping any spillages up with some disinfectant wipes. Even if he now knew Brandon wasn’t contagious, Brandon’s immune system was probably poorly so it was more about not letting him catch anything. He put the bloody towels and cloths into the bucket and washed his hands. Then he rolled another clean towel up to sit on and settled cross-legged near where Merlin was lying in case he needed help again, gentle pressing the melting icepack to Brandon’s forehead and neck.
Brandon opened his eyes when the coolness touched his skin and sighed. “That feels nice. You are truly one of the sweetest people I’ve ever met. How can I thank you for all this? It’s been a really shitty welcome home for you when you should be spending time with your brother and your family. Did you want to surprise him for Christmas?” He wet his lips which were dry and cracked now. He could still taste blood in his mouth and in the back of his throat, it was horrible. When he woke up and felt the coppery soured tang at the back of his throat, it made him sick. He had no idea at what point he passed out, though. “Have you been with them when they’ve had seizures frequently? I was just telling Jesse before you arrived that I kind of know Jace. He’s inked me a couple of times.”
Merlin gave Brandon the drink bottle with the grape Pedialyte in case he wanted a drink. “With all the people you would’ve met? No way,” he laughed softly, cheeks warming with a bashfulness he always got when people complimented him. “That was the plan. Caden helped me pull it off but I was coming back first thing in January anyway because I’m going to-- uh, shit. I can’t say yet. Jace started to have seizures again and with his brain injury, his brain can sometimes get like a stuck recover and have them over over. That stressed Jesse out and he had a bad seizure too. Jesse has the classic type, which are terrifying. I swear to god, I nearly pissed myself the first time I saw it. Jace’s aren’t as confronting but they can last a lot longer. I’m used to them both now. You never stop feeling useless and helpless, though. Kind of like how I’m feeling right now. Jace did your ink? That’s so freaking cool. I noticed the one on your wrist when you were smoking in London. I was just too chicken to ask you what it said. Do you have others?”
Brandon was about to try to take a drink from the bottle but his stomach was proving to be merciless. He was already pulling himself back up, one hand over his mouth as he clawed for the toilet bowl and the other held up to Merlin in apology for intercepting their conversation that was really comforting for him. Nothing really came of the aftershocks of nausea, though. He knelt there holding onto the bowl, waiting for it to eventuate but it was just a series of stomach spasms and he worked to try to breathe through it. He moaned softly, head still over the bowl. “Shit, I’m so sorry. This is why I thought I was better heading home. No one needs to deal with this in the middle of the night keeping them up.”
“It’s okay. You can’t help it. You’ve got nothing to apologise for, I promise you that. Just roll with what you need to. I’m here to help. False alarm?” Merlin murmured and crawled over to drape the icepack around the back of Brandon’s neck and placed the drink bottle near him again where he could reach it. “You should try and drink a little if you can. That’s one thing I did learn from Jess. How quickly dehydration can set in when you’re sick. Heading home? To lie around on your bathroom floor alone? That’s not the better option, dude. It’s not even a valid option. No one should be alone feeling this bad. Where’s your family? Do they not live near? Or… have you not told them either?”
Brandon sat back on his haunches and rested his head on his forearm. He did feel well enough to move from the toilet yet. He took Merlin’s words on board and took a couple of small sips of the purple liquid in the drink bottle but closed his eyes, trying to breathe through the nausea, in through the nose and out through the mouth. He could still taste blood in the back of his throat. “I, um… I don’t really have any family. My biological parents are dead and I don’t have any contact with my adoptive family. I just don’t really have the strength to talk about all that right now.”
Merlin nodded even if he didn’t really understand. He respected Brandon’s honesty. Sometimes, it took balls to admit you weren’t okay or wasn’t up to talk about something. Hell, he knew that first-hand. After discovering his parents weren’t his biological parents and his birth mother was a family friend he grew up with, Jesse’s mother, it took him a long time to know how to talk about it. It was a lot of why he and Cassidy decided to just stay friends. Everything he knew himself to be was gone but the plus side was, Cas helped him realised he wasn’t straight and that it was okay to take as long as he needed to figure out who he was. They were still close friends to this day. He promised her they would go out for hot chocolate to catch up when he got back to New York. All this was just a plot twist. “Friends?”
“No one knows. No one beyond my management team and my personal staff. And well, you guys and Autumn.” Brandon got down a mere couple more sips from the bottle but didn’t push it. He moved to lie back down on the tiles with the aid of the pillow and blanket Merlin brought for him. He felt like he was on fire, even if he was shivering. It was like the worst bout of flu imaginable but popping some Nyquil would do sweet FA for this affliction.
“Autumn? Jesse’s sister? Huh?” Merlin didn’t mean to sound so dense but it was falling out of his mouth before he could stop it. He knew she had moved back to New York but other than Jesse mentioning she had come to see him in hospital, nothing much more had been said so what the hell did she had to do with Brandon and knowing about his cancer? “Oh. Oh, shit. Were you just saying you were single so I’d stop asking questions? Are you dating Autumn? I’m sorry, I didn’t even realise. I know PR exists to keep things hushed. I just…” Just what? Well, he wouldn’t have thought she was Brandon’s type but how the hell did he know Brandon’s type? This was the second time they had been in each other’s presence.
Bradon lifted his head in response but regretting the action. He gingerly dropped it back to the pillow with a slight moan. “Shit, no. I’m pretty sure she and I would infuriate each other so much we’d want to shove each other off something tall.” He wet his lips and cleared his throat, trying to figure out the best way to broach this but he was suddenly brimming with nerves, not at all conducive to the upset stomach he couldn’t shake. “I… Merlin, I came here, to Jesse’s place, to talk to him about you. Not for my health, not anything to do with the cancer. I wish this was a better situation for me to tell you that.”
When Brandon said that, Merlin was giving him a puzzled look. He didn’t ask him to fill in the gaps or if he could buy a vowel straight away. “Did I say something that night in London that offended you? Or… is there something I’ve done to somehow mess up you reputation? Because I promise, it wasn’t intentional. Uh, whatever that ‘it’ is…” He had sat back by the bath, legs crossed. He scratched the nape of his next. “Not sure how Autumn factors into that, though. I’ve never met her.” She was gone from Footloose and New York before he scored his job on the cast.
“Shit, no. My god, no. Nothing like that. Hell, even if you had, which there’s no way that would be possible, I wouldn’t come here to snitch on you to your brother.” The nausea spiked again and with a hoarse mumble of a string of cuss words, he was back over the toilet. He was annoyed at himself for being sick again and in the wake of it, he put the back of his hand to his mouth to try to get his composure back. “I’ve done my fair share of questionable things, I couldn’t be the one to judge others. I’ve thought about you a lot since the night we met. You kinda left a big mark on me and a few different things in my life recently led me to meeting Autumn. I realised she had a connection to you. That’s how I ended up here talk to Jesse. I’m sorry, I really think I need to go home. I have meds there that can stop some of this sickness. I don’t know how much more I can take.”
Merlin pulled himself up off the floor and put the blanket around Brandon, giving his shoulder a soft squeeze. “Just wait here a minute, okay? We have Jesse and Jace here who both have medication for nausea after their fits, we have Evan who’s just been diagnosed with Crohn’s. Let me see if I can get something to help you. Just give me a few minutes, okay? I promise, if I come up empty handed, I’ll take you home in a cab myself.” There was hesitation, but Brandon did give a little nod of agreement. It was only a few minutes before Merlin was back with Evan in tow. “Brandon, this is Jesse’s brother-in-law, Evan. Pretty sure he can empathise with how you’re feeling but he can help. Okay?”
Evan had been up and down to the bathroom all night so he was up when Merlin came on the hunt for some help. He knew from Jesse that they were apparently chaperoning a TV star under their roof that night because he wasn’t well. The cancer thing was apparently hush, which was fine. Evan wouldn’t breach anyone’s confidentiality like that. And he didn’t, at all, mind when Merlin asked him for help. He probably wasn’t looking so crash hot himself recovering from surgery and in a pair of flannel Christmas pyjama pants with a candy cane printed on the front with the words, It’s not going to lick itself, a tongue-in-cheek gift from Christian a few days early. He had Christian’s robe on over the top which was about as decent as he could get in the middle of the night when he’d had little sleep.
“Hi, buddy. Merl says you’re having a rough trot tonight. Have you got any allergies?” Evan asked, carefully assessing if Brandon had a fever by touching the backs of his fingers to his forehead. He was very clammy and pale. “We’ll try to get the puking eased to get some fluids into you, okay? But if it’s not successful, you might need to get to an ER for some hydration therapy. Don’t stress about that, yet. I can give you a shot that should ease the nausea. We can’t underestimate the benefits of fluids and a good sleep. I can see you’re wiped out. Has this been normal for your chemo so far or is this new?”
Bradon knew he should probably be worried about his privacy but he couldn’t give a flying fuck about NDA’s right now. It was already established he could trust Jesse, Autumn and Merlin, so he was just going to put faith into the fact he could trust their family too. He was desperate by this point and already retching into the toilet again. He couldn’t answer straight away but another apology punctuated when he could. “Um, no medication. Just raspberries. I only started a few days ago so I’m not really sure. This is the worst night so far. I can’t seem to stop. I just thought it might be the nosebleeds making me feel sick.”
Evan put the medication vial with the needle and syringe on the vanity and started to draw the injection up. It wasn’t a harsh medication and it was fast-acting. Christian had prescribed it for Evan when his own post-op nausea needed a little more control. He didn’t mind using a dose for Brandon or the poor guy would end up on a drip. He was a popular celebrity, that was the last thing he needed. Especially if he hadn’t publicly announced anywhere that he had cancer. “It could be. It’s not a pleasant thing to have blood in the back of your throat but you’ve got cracked dry lips and I’d wager a bet your urine output has lessened. Vomiting can cause dehydration and once you’re dehydrated, it can cause more vomiting, so it’s a vicious cycle.” He tapped the side of the syringe to get rid of any air bubbles. “Okay, I’ll need a butt cheek. Merl, do you want to see if there’s any Pedialyte freezer pops? Brandon might be able to tolerate them a little more and they’ll help with the bloody taste in his throat.”
Brandon noticed Merlin didn’t hesitate at running the errand when he was shifting stiffly from where he was knelt in front of the toilet. He tugged the waist of the sweatpants down so Evan could get to his butt cheek. It felt awkward but he wasn’t going to object. “Thanks for this. You guys have all done so much. I’m an epic mess. I was going to just get a cab home but Merlin’s sweetly relentless on the care and compassion. I don’t feel like I deserve it. I’m sorry if he got you up. Jesse said you just had surgery. Looks like a hell of an op.”
Evan smiled. “Jess and Merl share blood. The Florence Nightingale genes are strong. Everyone deserves care, buddy. Why do you think you deserve to suffer when there’s help here?” He administered the injection quickly and smoothly and glanced at the surgical dressings on his gut. “Okay, all done. You should feel that start to work quickly. It was pretty harrowing surgery but I’m on the mend. Slowed me down more than I care to admit. I’d wager a bet you’re in the same boat, huh?”
Brandon was using the rim of the toilet bowl as a pillow now. “Merlin said they diagnosed you with Crohn’s. One of my staff has that. Rough. I’m sorry. And I’m sorry for getting you out of bed. Honestly, I don’t know how to let anyone take care of me. I’ve had to take care of myself for so fucking long, you know?”
“Oh yeah, I know. For a long while, that’s all I ever knew, especially being Jace’s primary carer for a few years. To go from that to this.” Evan gestured down at the dressings. “It’s not an easy thing to just know how to do, dude. But if Merlin wants to help, let him. Let anyone who wants to, even if you’re a fish outta water with it. Because you need it. No one should be trying to battle cancer as a lone soldier. And don’t stress. I was already up and I’m glad I can help. But when you’re feeling up to it, try to get yourself horizontal on a bed, okay? A body sick with cancer and having immune-throttling chemo, a simple cold could turn into full-blown pneumonia for you very quickly.”
Merlin came bounding back in with a handful of freezer pops, holding them up like a bouquet of flowers. Of course he wasn’t at all wishing he could’ve stayed and caught a glimpse of Brandon’s bare butt in the flesh (he had seen it on his TV show numerous times and it was impressive, to say the least). Okay, so maybe he was. Just a little. Or a lot... “I didn’t know what flavour.”
Evan smirked at Merlin’s enthusiasm. If this wasn’t crush material in action, nothing was. “These are for sucking, not biting… said every dude ever,” he joked and gave Brandon’s shoulder a small pat. “In all seriousness, just suck on it gently. It’ll get some electrolytes back into you without being harsh on your stomach. That’ll help you feel a bit better too. Give me a shout if you guys need anything else, alright?”
Evan soon left them alone and Brandon lingered where he was at the toilet, waiting for the medication to kick in. Whatever it was, the injections the nurse gave him when he was hooked up to the chemo in the private clinic had helped the nausea so he was hoping it was the same good stuff. Evan was a nice guy. They all seemed so kind and sweet. His advice to Brandon of letting himself be taken care of right now was swirling around in his head, making him a little more woozy than he already was. He was so overwhelmed and confused, two emotions fucking difficult to navigate when you were so exhausted. “I’m gay,” he finally murmured, his head still resting on the rim of the toilet bowl. “Not out, very closeted, but still gay. That’s how I know Autumn. She’s been contracted to be my beard. The network execs don’t want me coming out to shake the reputation of the show and need me to still be marketed as het.”
Merlin had been cutting the top off one of the freezer pops with some nail scissors he found in the bathroom drawer amongst his boxes of contacts and face products. He liked being a bit of a ‘metrosexual’ with skincare and hair products, and he loved wearing cologne. He had gotten much more into these things edging his way into the showbiz world via Caden’s incredible opportunities. He dropped the scissors, not expecting that to be something Brandon would say at all. “They… shit, that really happens?” He knew that one comment made him sound naive. He still was naive in a lot of ways, growing up in a small Bible Belt town where homosexuality was frowned upon. It was barely tolerated, at best. It was the reason Jesse moved away to start with. He came and sat back down on the tiles by Brandon and put his hand on Brandon’s knee. “I won’t tell anyone, I promise. But… well, if you had the choice, you’d come out? Is that what you mean?”
“Merlin…” Brandon started and then paused, wetting his lips. He took a couple of deep breaths, relieved to realise the injection Evan had given him seemed to be kicking in. He lifted his head so he could see Merlin’s face. “What I’m trying to say is, I’m gay. The reason I’m here is you. Autumn having a connection to you was sheer coincidence. Or maybe kismet, I don’t know. It’s still kind of a mindfuck. But… I haven’t been able to stop thinking about you since we met in London and I just… never wanted to presume anything. About you. About…” He stopped, being flooded with anxiety of what he was trying to say. He didn’t want to presume Merlin might be interested in guys. He had chalked him up to just being a really sweet, funny and compassionate guy. One he couldn’t stop his mind returning to, no matter how much the execs wanted to keep him firmly locked in the closet.
Merlin listened intently and nodded a couple of times but he wasn’t sure what he was concurring with. Maybe the fact he had been challenging his own sexuality lately, trying to discover his identity and figure out if he was comfortable with it. It hadn’t been easy. He definitely understood that side of things. But he wasn’t that naive or dumb to miss what Brandon was implying here. “Oh… ohhhh.” His cheeks warmed and he bit his lip around a smile he couldn’t hold back and a sheepish giggle-snort that this was even happening. This was Brandon-freaking-Blake, for fuck’s sake! “Well, shit, I… presume about me? To be honest, the night I met you, I was trying to ditch my own presumptions of me, I guess. Gender isn’t a thing to me. I’m attracted to people’s souls and who they are inside, the equipment they’re born with downstairs doesn’t really come into it, if that makes sense. At least, I think. I’m kind of still a virgin.” Cue turning bright red at that admission to a guy who filmed hot sex scenes with bare ass shots for a TV show with viewers all around the world. What else could he do but blush and offer Brandon the freezer pop.
Brandon smiled too. How could he not? Merlin was a sweetheart and adorable to boot. He was pretty sure he was developing a bit of a kink for Merlin’s bashfulness and how easily he blushed. He closed the toilet lid and flushed when he was more confident he wouldn’t need it again immediately. “You don’t know how refreshing that is to hear. Not that you’re a virgin, but that you’re okay telling me that without feeling shameful about it. Embarrassed maybe, but not shameful.” He gratefully accepted the freezer pop. “You have nothing to be embarrassed about. Anyway, other than adoption, this is something else we have in common. Trying to navigate sexuality. I’ve just had a huge stop sign thrown in the path of my journey.”
“I think if I was still living back home, I wouldn’t have even let myself realise I was anything but straight. But I’ve never be attracted to guys or girls because they’re guys or girls. It was always because I had a connection with someone. Then, when I got here, I met an amazing girl who just happened to be trans and I started to see things differently. We dated for a little while but we’re just friends now. We were both adjusting to huge life changes. She had surgery and had to learn herself again and I just found out I was adopted and really didn’t handle it well. It wasn’t the right place to try to date. I’m lucky I get to keep an amazing friend out of it. Hell, she would freak if she knew I met you. She’s a huge fan. But don’t worry, I won’t say anything.” Merlin’s eyes searching Brandon’s face, trying to assess how he was holding up. He wasn’t just pale. He had this sickly grey-beige colour to his complexion and his lips were dry. He looked like he hadn’t slept in a week either but Merlin knew he at least caught some sleep before all this hit. “Will you come and lie back down on the bed? I don’t want to hear any worries about getting blood or throw up on the bedding. We own a washing machine. I can take in a bucket for you and I’ll get the fan out if you’re still hot. You don’t have to be anymore uncomfortable than you already are having cancer. But if you feel better here, that’s okay. I’ll stay with you.”
Brandon nodded and held his hand out to Merlin. “Help me up? I don’t trust my luck not to trip into the wall and knock myself out. Whatever Evan gave me, it’s helping.” The other things Merlin was saying, though, it brought Brandon back to reality and he was closing his eyes once he was on his feet, holding himself up on the vanity until the wooziness eased off. It was a reminder why had been trying to hold Autumn off on this whole thing. He didn’t say anything, though. At least not until they were back in Merlin’s bedroom after Brandon splashed some water on his face and rinsed his mouth out with mouthwash. Merlin was buzzing around changing the quilt cover because there was blood on the other one. He disappeared for a bit to put the other freezer pops back so they didn’t melt and put everything that needed a wash in the machine. He came back with a little desk fan which he plugged in beside the bed on the side Brandon had been lying on. Brandon was working on the sucking of his freezer pop and even though he had found Evan’s joke about sucking and not biting amusing, he was too troubled by his thoughts now for it to allow him to crack a smile. “Merlin? I have to tell you something. It might make you change your mind about having me stick around keeping you up all night…”
Merlin shook the fresh quilt cover into place and spread it over the bed. He looked over at Brandon and his eyes narrowed a little with uncertainty, trying to figure out what that could mean. “Wow, that sounds kind of ominous. Are you in the Mafia or something? To be fair, I would understand if that was what your TV execs wanted to keep hush. I don’t quite understand why they would want to keep you in the closet. But I know all that TV stuff is way out of my league.” He was starting with some of that nervous chatter and had to shut himself up before he got a full case of verbal diarrhoea. He cleared his throat and rounded the bed to sit on the side of it beside Brandon. “Okay, hit me. I don’t think it can be any worse than when it was confirmed I was adopted.”
“I should never have come here to speak with Jesse.” Brandon lowered his gaze to where the freezer pop was nestled between his fingers. He had gotten about two-thirds the way through it and thankfully hadn’t puked it back up, thanks to Evan’s miracle butt injection. “Autumn was really persuasive but I should’ve just told her thanks but no thanks. Because… what you just said then about not telling your friend about me, like you’d have to be harbouring lies to the people you care about all because I’m up to my eyeballs in contracts controlling my live. My life. Having them control that is bad enough but I couldn’t live with it having to control someone else’s life.”
Merlin could tell Brandon had a much wider picture of this whole thing than he was making clear. At first, he didn’t understand what Brandon was meaning which only told him this whole situation was clearly complicated and stressful for Brandon. Merlin had some understanding of how it would be like to deny who you were to keep up appearances. It’s what Jesse went through before moving to New York and Jesse had been honest that it nearly killed him keeping the secret. Brandon must have so many people trying to control his life. Is that why he seemed to be trying to go so much alone, so he had some semblance of control that not every single part of him was public property. “Like… a partner?”
“I shouldn’t have come because I can’t date a guy. I can’t do that and expect them to have to lie through their teeth to keep our relationship secret. Not be able to be seen with me. Have to live behind smoke and mirrors while the world thinks I’m actually either in love with my female co-star or a beard.” Brandon leaned over, elbows on his knees and rested his head in his hand, palm pressed over his mouth while he worked through his thoughts so he didn’t accidentally offend Merlin, no matter how good his intentions were being honest with him here. It took a few moments to maintain his composure to go on. He was tired and the middle of a rough night probably wasn’t the best timing but he couldn’t put it off. “But… but even knowing all that, once I knew that she knew you and suggested I talk to Jesse, I was selfish and wanted to hear more about you. I was just going to come to get it out of my system. I think he was concerned I’d hurt you and he’s right. I was just going to reassure him that I couldn’t do anything even if I wanted to. Without all that, I would want to. I’d want to ask you on a date and see what happened next but I just… can’t. I’m sorry. Do you need me to go?”
Merlin wet his lips and didn’t take his eyes off Brandon where he had been listening intently to everything he said. “Do you want to go?” he murmured. Because it sounded to him like Brandon did very little because he wanted to and everything because he was obligated to.
Brandon met Merlin’s gaze with a slow shake of his head. “No.” In that moment, he wanted nothing more than to kiss Merlin. The desire almost had physical force through him and it felt impossible to fight off, especially with how bright and kind Merlin’s dark eyes looked holding his gaze that unwaveringly. But he did fight it off… only just. If only by telling himself he had just been almost puking up internal organs and a bit of mouthwash wouldn’t rectify that. Not to mention the fact it would confuse Merlin and it wouldn’t be fair to him.
“Then hop in before you keel over.” Merlin stood and put the little fan on the lowest setting and aimed it at the pillow so it would blow on Brandon’s face once he was lying down. The bedside lamps were on, casting a soft glow over the room. This way, the heating in here could stay on so Brandon didn’t catch a cold but the air from the fan should take a little of the hot discomfort he was feeling that had him seeking comfort from the cool of the bathroom tiles. He held the covers back for Brandon to get into the bed, where before, he had been merely lying on the bed with a throw over him. Once he was settled with some water, Kleenex and a bucket in easy reach, Merlin went to the other side and climbed in under the covers, not even thinking twice about it and rolled into his side, hand tucked under the pillow. “What do you have planned for Christmas if you don’t have family?”
Brandon was lying on his back, basking in the feeling of the fan on his face. He turned his head to look at Merlin and a small shrug. “Chemo. Probably more puking and god knows what other side effects might hit. A very Merry Christmas,” he added with a wry snort. “After that, sleep, I guess. I hope. I can almost tolerate the thought of it if I can sleep through it.”
“You mean alone?” Merlin guessed, noting the way Brandon dodged that part of the question, the most important part.
“Well, it’s a small clinic but it’s not deserted. Staff and other patients will be there. It’s just not as hectic and impersonal as a hospital.” Brandon met Merlin’s gaze. “Are you mad at me? You’re not saying much. Not… chatty like you have been.”
Merlin smiled softly and rested his tongue between his lips. “Not even a little bit. I just think there seems to be a very fine line between coming into someone’s life or being invited in. I understand, you’re obligated under contracts or whatever else arrangements in place needing you in the closet but it sounds like a whole lot more is being kept out of your life than is allowed in and I find that really sad for you. It must be lonely. I just respect that you’re unable to have a male lover but from the way you worded everything, it sounds like you’re not even allowed to have friends. Or maybe you just find it safer not to. Either way, I see boundaries and I’d never want to breach those, let alone when you’re feeling so poorly. I’m glad we got to have another chat and that you came to see Jesse. But I also respect that, come morning, you’ll leap back into your and that’ll be that. If it wasn’t that, just so you know, I’d invite you to Christmas here with us.” He gave Brandon another tiny smile, though this time, there was sadness around the edges. But as much as he was trying to take the high road here, he was still Merlin Larson, Hufflepuff Extraordinaire, as Cas called him. “Come to Christmas. No one should be alone for Christmas.”
Brandon closed his eyes and sighed. If he hated the situation he was in before, he was hating it even more now. This was so much harder than he anticipated and he had anticipated it would be pretty fucking hard. “Merlin…”
Merlin looked at Brandon’s hands resting on his chest now it was free from the freezer pop he managed to finish before lying down. He put his own hand over the top of them. “I just think that if there’s someone out there that’s a perfect match for you, they would be okay to make sacrifices. But if you’re taking all those choices away before they even know they have them, how will you ever know? And if the leukemia might take your life, do you really want to die never experiencing real love?”
Brandon didn’t open his eyes. He was sure if he did and had to see the look on Merlin’s face he was pretty sure was there, he would lose it. Even so, he was choking up and some tears escaped, trickling down his temples and wetting his ears. What Merlin just said was the hardest part of this whole thing. He rolled onto his side to try to hide it from Merlin. He was too exhausted to keep going with the conversation. Especially because all he wanted was to tell Merlin he had the balls to do all that when really, he was terrified of everything in his life. Most of all, he was terrified what Merlin just said would, indeed, happen.
LOG, COMPLETE
What: Battle with the Big C
Where: Merlin's Place, NYC
When: After this
Merlin felt as if his midnight hunt around the house was more important than the quest for the Holy Grail. He had to find a blanket that wasn’t too warm for chemo sweats or too cool for leukemia chills, all whilst trying not to lose his complete shit and burst into tears because he was out of his depth but he wouldn’t want it any other way now he knew what was happening.
The jetlag got him and he crashed out hard on the bed with Brandon after Brandon confessed to him that he had cancer and could be dying. He woke up around nine desperately for the bathroom, meaning they must have been asleep for a good five hours. Brandon had still been asleep beside him, which Merlin took as a relatively good sign but he realised on his way back to his bedroom that he still didn’t know why Brandon was even at Jesse’s place. Apparently it had nothing to do with needing Jesse’s professional services. That made sense now more than before because Jesse didn’t work in Oncology.
Merlin was the sort to like answers, curious by nature and always one to ask loads of questions. It probably got annoying for some but he usually didn’t realise he was doing it. He had been like that since he was a kid. He went back to lie down, the room dark save for the beam of street light coming in through the window. The rain was still bucketing down outside and he listened to the rhythmic drumming on the window along with Brandon’s heavy breathing of sleep. Soon, jetlag pulled him back into a slumber.
When he woke up a second time, he was alone on the bed. He fumbled to turn the light on, first trying to feel for it on the wrong side, a little disoriented from the bed he occupied during his stay in London. He looked around blearily, hoping Brandon hadn’t gotten up to go home in the middle of the night while it was chucking down a freezing winter rain outside but he noticed Brandon’s leather jacket, jeans and boots were still where he left them on the armchair by the window. That was when he spotted a trail of blood smeared over his quilt cover and remembered what Brandon said about nosebleeds.
When he found Brandon in his en-suite bathroom, he almost literally shit his pants in fright. Brandon was out cold on his stomach on the tiles a puddle of blood beneath his cheek. There was a whole roll of toilet paper smeared with blood scrunched up and strewn between him and the toilet. There was vomit in the toilet and some of it had gotten on the arm of the hoodie Merlin leant him. The first thing Merlin did was check for a pulse because Brandon looked dead. There was no other way to describe it. He was pale and cool to touch but once he got closer, he realised he wasn’t so much cold as clammy and shivery. He wouldn’t be shivering if he was dead.
His nose looked like it had stopped bleeding but it had started to dry up and was cake over his face when Merlin rolled him onto his side into the recovery position. He had learned a lot since finding out Jesse was his brother and Jace was his brother-in-law… namely, first-aid and how to care for someone who was unconscious. The movement cause Brandon to come-to and made him throw up a bit. That had blood in it too. Merlin had nosebleeds himself in the past, being a bit clumsy, and it was horrible when it went down the back of your throat.
Brandon began trying to apologise but Merlin gentle hushed him, reassuring him it was okay. At first, he was thinking he should call Jesse for help or maybe even Christian who was a doctor. There was even Evan at a push, who was recovering from an operation but he would help as much as he could. Merlin hadn’t seen anyone but Jesse yet but he knew they were there. Jesse had emailed him all the latest updates with the family and it was epic cool Evan was back and he and Christian were back together.
When he asked Brandon how he was, Brandon reported that he felt hot and sick with a panicked warning that he was going to throw up again. It was a bit of a messy and clumsy feat but Merlin helped him scramble to the toilet just in time. He held Brandon’s blood-caked hair back out of his face for him and tried to wipe some of the blood from his cheek while he was throwing up. Any little had to help, right? He was out of his depth and he really didn’t know what he was doing because he never knew anyone who had cancer. He hadn’t even been around when Billy had cancer. Billy came back to the show when Merlin joined but he needed to return part-time, which is how Merlin got to jobshare the role of Willard with him.
How the hell had he gone from having one last whip around the London Eye with his houseshare friends from London to flying home to surprise Jesse to trying to hold a mega-star over his en-suite toilet while he was covered in blood throwing up? And not even any of this mess Brandon was in made him less hot in Merlin’s eyes. Since discovering he wasn’t really totally straight and realising he was admiring men more than just aesthetically for their talent and such, he had been developing inevitable crushes on celebs. He had been a huge fan of Brandon’s show since it started and in his own defence, Brandon’s character had somehow managed to hike up his hotness even more in the latest season. Merlin was no longer just jerking off each morning to get rid of morning wood, he was actively fantasising about naked men - there was just no way he was going to admit out loud that Brandon was a starring act in said fantasies, especially not considering this whole plot-twist.
And again, Brandon was trying to apologise. He could barely catch his breath but was using it trying to apologise and Merlin wanted to shower him with all the reassurances but he wasn’t sure again if words would be enough. He just kept telling him it was okay over and over and realised that if he called for back-up, whether it be Jesse or anyone else, it would probably only make feel Brandon feel worse having a bigger audience witness this stuff. He knew that from working with Justin. If Justin wasn’t well or was melting down, he could get really upset or agitated if people were gawping at him. Fame was probably all well and good, but fame and over-exposure were NOT the same thing, even if they often went hand-in-hand for people who hit the big time.
Then Brandon just wanted to lie on the tiles again where it was cool to recover. Still trying to catch his breath, he admitted he wasn’t sure if he was done being sick so Merlin told him it was okay to stay lying there if that’s what he felt he needed to do. Lying on tiles when you had cancer, though? The pits. There was no other way to describe it, which is what sent Merlin on the hunt for the not-too-hot and not-too-cold just right Goldilocks blanket. He came back with it when he found it, along with a pillow, a bucket of cleaning products, a drink bottle with straw filled with grape Pedialyte, and an icepack wrapped in a teatowel.
Brandon was sitting up, slumped against the side of the bath with a bloody handtowel up to his nose. “It started again. Shit, I’m sorry about the towel.” His words were muffled behind the bunched up towel and he was trying to rinse off his hand under a trickle of water in the tub. He couldn’t reach the taps to get it on harder without getting blood everywhere. Or at least more everywhere than he already had. Merlin’s crisp white and blue en-suite looked akin to a murder scene. When he woke up with a bleeding nose on Merlin’s bed, it had been the start of a shitty bout of reminders of the pitfalls of leukemia and chemotherapy.
“Oh, dear. It’s okay, it’s okay. As long as you keep apologising, I’ll keep telling you not to.” Merlin dug the icepack out of the bucket he was using a carry basket and helped Brandon sit up a little and lean forward. He put the icepack to the bridge of his nose, taking his hand so he could hold it there himself. This meant Merlin could help him finish rinsing the blood from his other hand. “If I ask you if you need urgent medical attention with all this bleeding, will you give me an honest answer? I’m not suggesting you’re a liar, just that I know you’ve probably had a gutful of doctors and hospitals. I won’t even call 911. I can get Christian. Jace’s big brother, Evan, his other half. They’re both doctors. Specialists, actually. But if it’s okay and all you really want to do to get through it is lie on the tiles to wait it out, that’s okay. I won’t let you be here alone, though. How’s it going? Is it slowing down?”
Brandon hesitantly took the towel from his nose for Merlin to assess the damage. “I’m so fucking glad you’re not squeamish. Over puke or blood. It’s no walk in the park for you to have all this forced onto you but it’s nice to not be alone. I’ve been alone a lot.” He rested his head down on the rib of the bath, closing his eyes. “If it’s stopping, it should be okay. I’m dizzy, I need to lie down.”
“Well, I have the same blood as Jesse and he’s pretty much one of the best nurses in the whole world. Some of it had to have rubbed off. Really, though, I wanted to learn more how to help someone who’s sick so I could help Jess or Jace if they have seizures. They both have really different types of seizures but still get really ill after them.” Merlin had been dabbing at Brandon’s face with a wet cloth to clean some of the blood away to see if his nose had stopped bleeding. It had eased right down, if not stopped completely. He put the pillow down on the tiles by the bath, away from any mess but close enough to the toilet if the nausea took over again. “Give me two seconds. I’ll help you change into a clean sweater.” It wasn’t much more than a few seconds that he shot through to his room and grabbed a long-sleeved pyjama top from his dresser. “This won’t be as warm as the hoodie. You might not feel so overheated in it.”
He helped Brandon into the clean top and put the blanket over him to try to take off a little of the chill. Merlin couldn’t think of anything worse than lying on bathroom tiles in the middle of winter but he also did know what it was like to have leukemia. He didn’t know what it was like to have chemo burning through your veins trying to kill said cancer cells. He wasn’t going to dictate to Brandon what he should or shouldn’t do to feel better. Brandon closed his eyes and seemed to doze in and out but was clearly pained. Merlin got about cleaning up the blood and flushed the toilet, wiping any spillages up with some disinfectant wipes. Even if he now knew Brandon wasn’t contagious, Brandon’s immune system was probably poorly so it was more about not letting him catch anything. He put the bloody towels and cloths into the bucket and washed his hands. Then he rolled another clean towel up to sit on and settled cross-legged near where Merlin was lying in case he needed help again, gentle pressing the melting icepack to Brandon’s forehead and neck.
Brandon opened his eyes when the coolness touched his skin and sighed. “That feels nice. You are truly one of the sweetest people I’ve ever met. How can I thank you for all this? It’s been a really shitty welcome home for you when you should be spending time with your brother and your family. Did you want to surprise him for Christmas?” He wet his lips which were dry and cracked now. He could still taste blood in his mouth and in the back of his throat, it was horrible. When he woke up and felt the coppery soured tang at the back of his throat, it made him sick. He had no idea at what point he passed out, though. “Have you been with them when they’ve had seizures frequently? I was just telling Jesse before you arrived that I kind of know Jace. He’s inked me a couple of times.”
Merlin gave Brandon the drink bottle with the grape Pedialyte in case he wanted a drink. “With all the people you would’ve met? No way,” he laughed softly, cheeks warming with a bashfulness he always got when people complimented him. “That was the plan. Caden helped me pull it off but I was coming back first thing in January anyway because I’m going to-- uh, shit. I can’t say yet. Jace started to have seizures again and with his brain injury, his brain can sometimes get like a stuck recover and have them over over. That stressed Jesse out and he had a bad seizure too. Jesse has the classic type, which are terrifying. I swear to god, I nearly pissed myself the first time I saw it. Jace’s aren’t as confronting but they can last a lot longer. I’m used to them both now. You never stop feeling useless and helpless, though. Kind of like how I’m feeling right now. Jace did your ink? That’s so freaking cool. I noticed the one on your wrist when you were smoking in London. I was just too chicken to ask you what it said. Do you have others?”
Brandon was about to try to take a drink from the bottle but his stomach was proving to be merciless. He was already pulling himself back up, one hand over his mouth as he clawed for the toilet bowl and the other held up to Merlin in apology for intercepting their conversation that was really comforting for him. Nothing really came of the aftershocks of nausea, though. He knelt there holding onto the bowl, waiting for it to eventuate but it was just a series of stomach spasms and he worked to try to breathe through it. He moaned softly, head still over the bowl. “Shit, I’m so sorry. This is why I thought I was better heading home. No one needs to deal with this in the middle of the night keeping them up.”
“It’s okay. You can’t help it. You’ve got nothing to apologise for, I promise you that. Just roll with what you need to. I’m here to help. False alarm?” Merlin murmured and crawled over to drape the icepack around the back of Brandon’s neck and placed the drink bottle near him again where he could reach it. “You should try and drink a little if you can. That’s one thing I did learn from Jess. How quickly dehydration can set in when you’re sick. Heading home? To lie around on your bathroom floor alone? That’s not the better option, dude. It’s not even a valid option. No one should be alone feeling this bad. Where’s your family? Do they not live near? Or… have you not told them either?”
Brandon sat back on his haunches and rested his head on his forearm. He did feel well enough to move from the toilet yet. He took Merlin’s words on board and took a couple of small sips of the purple liquid in the drink bottle but closed his eyes, trying to breathe through the nausea, in through the nose and out through the mouth. He could still taste blood in the back of his throat. “I, um… I don’t really have any family. My biological parents are dead and I don’t have any contact with my adoptive family. I just don’t really have the strength to talk about all that right now.”
Merlin nodded even if he didn’t really understand. He respected Brandon’s honesty. Sometimes, it took balls to admit you weren’t okay or wasn’t up to talk about something. Hell, he knew that first-hand. After discovering his parents weren’t his biological parents and his birth mother was a family friend he grew up with, Jesse’s mother, it took him a long time to know how to talk about it. It was a lot of why he and Cassidy decided to just stay friends. Everything he knew himself to be was gone but the plus side was, Cas helped him realised he wasn’t straight and that it was okay to take as long as he needed to figure out who he was. They were still close friends to this day. He promised her they would go out for hot chocolate to catch up when he got back to New York. All this was just a plot twist. “Friends?”
“No one knows. No one beyond my management team and my personal staff. And well, you guys and Autumn.” Brandon got down a mere couple more sips from the bottle but didn’t push it. He moved to lie back down on the tiles with the aid of the pillow and blanket Merlin brought for him. He felt like he was on fire, even if he was shivering. It was like the worst bout of flu imaginable but popping some Nyquil would do sweet FA for this affliction.
“Autumn? Jesse’s sister? Huh?” Merlin didn’t mean to sound so dense but it was falling out of his mouth before he could stop it. He knew she had moved back to New York but other than Jesse mentioning she had come to see him in hospital, nothing much more had been said so what the hell did she had to do with Brandon and knowing about his cancer? “Oh. Oh, shit. Were you just saying you were single so I’d stop asking questions? Are you dating Autumn? I’m sorry, I didn’t even realise. I know PR exists to keep things hushed. I just…” Just what? Well, he wouldn’t have thought she was Brandon’s type but how the hell did he know Brandon’s type? This was the second time they had been in each other’s presence.
Bradon lifted his head in response but regretting the action. He gingerly dropped it back to the pillow with a slight moan. “Shit, no. I’m pretty sure she and I would infuriate each other so much we’d want to shove each other off something tall.” He wet his lips and cleared his throat, trying to figure out the best way to broach this but he was suddenly brimming with nerves, not at all conducive to the upset stomach he couldn’t shake. “I… Merlin, I came here, to Jesse’s place, to talk to him about you. Not for my health, not anything to do with the cancer. I wish this was a better situation for me to tell you that.”
When Brandon said that, Merlin was giving him a puzzled look. He didn’t ask him to fill in the gaps or if he could buy a vowel straight away. “Did I say something that night in London that offended you? Or… is there something I’ve done to somehow mess up you reputation? Because I promise, it wasn’t intentional. Uh, whatever that ‘it’ is…” He had sat back by the bath, legs crossed. He scratched the nape of his next. “Not sure how Autumn factors into that, though. I’ve never met her.” She was gone from Footloose and New York before he scored his job on the cast.
“Shit, no. My god, no. Nothing like that. Hell, even if you had, which there’s no way that would be possible, I wouldn’t come here to snitch on you to your brother.” The nausea spiked again and with a hoarse mumble of a string of cuss words, he was back over the toilet. He was annoyed at himself for being sick again and in the wake of it, he put the back of his hand to his mouth to try to get his composure back. “I’ve done my fair share of questionable things, I couldn’t be the one to judge others. I’ve thought about you a lot since the night we met. You kinda left a big mark on me and a few different things in my life recently led me to meeting Autumn. I realised she had a connection to you. That’s how I ended up here talk to Jesse. I’m sorry, I really think I need to go home. I have meds there that can stop some of this sickness. I don’t know how much more I can take.”
Merlin pulled himself up off the floor and put the blanket around Brandon, giving his shoulder a soft squeeze. “Just wait here a minute, okay? We have Jesse and Jace here who both have medication for nausea after their fits, we have Evan who’s just been diagnosed with Crohn’s. Let me see if I can get something to help you. Just give me a few minutes, okay? I promise, if I come up empty handed, I’ll take you home in a cab myself.” There was hesitation, but Brandon did give a little nod of agreement. It was only a few minutes before Merlin was back with Evan in tow. “Brandon, this is Jesse’s brother-in-law, Evan. Pretty sure he can empathise with how you’re feeling but he can help. Okay?”
Evan had been up and down to the bathroom all night so he was up when Merlin came on the hunt for some help. He knew from Jesse that they were apparently chaperoning a TV star under their roof that night because he wasn’t well. The cancer thing was apparently hush, which was fine. Evan wouldn’t breach anyone’s confidentiality like that. And he didn’t, at all, mind when Merlin asked him for help. He probably wasn’t looking so crash hot himself recovering from surgery and in a pair of flannel Christmas pyjama pants with a candy cane printed on the front with the words, It’s not going to lick itself, a tongue-in-cheek gift from Christian a few days early. He had Christian’s robe on over the top which was about as decent as he could get in the middle of the night when he’d had little sleep.
“Hi, buddy. Merl says you’re having a rough trot tonight. Have you got any allergies?” Evan asked, carefully assessing if Brandon had a fever by touching the backs of his fingers to his forehead. He was very clammy and pale. “We’ll try to get the puking eased to get some fluids into you, okay? But if it’s not successful, you might need to get to an ER for some hydration therapy. Don’t stress about that, yet. I can give you a shot that should ease the nausea. We can’t underestimate the benefits of fluids and a good sleep. I can see you’re wiped out. Has this been normal for your chemo so far or is this new?”
Bradon knew he should probably be worried about his privacy but he couldn’t give a flying fuck about NDA’s right now. It was already established he could trust Jesse, Autumn and Merlin, so he was just going to put faith into the fact he could trust their family too. He was desperate by this point and already retching into the toilet again. He couldn’t answer straight away but another apology punctuated when he could. “Um, no medication. Just raspberries. I only started a few days ago so I’m not really sure. This is the worst night so far. I can’t seem to stop. I just thought it might be the nosebleeds making me feel sick.”
Evan put the medication vial with the needle and syringe on the vanity and started to draw the injection up. It wasn’t a harsh medication and it was fast-acting. Christian had prescribed it for Evan when his own post-op nausea needed a little more control. He didn’t mind using a dose for Brandon or the poor guy would end up on a drip. He was a popular celebrity, that was the last thing he needed. Especially if he hadn’t publicly announced anywhere that he had cancer. “It could be. It’s not a pleasant thing to have blood in the back of your throat but you’ve got cracked dry lips and I’d wager a bet your urine output has lessened. Vomiting can cause dehydration and once you’re dehydrated, it can cause more vomiting, so it’s a vicious cycle.” He tapped the side of the syringe to get rid of any air bubbles. “Okay, I’ll need a butt cheek. Merl, do you want to see if there’s any Pedialyte freezer pops? Brandon might be able to tolerate them a little more and they’ll help with the bloody taste in his throat.”
Brandon noticed Merlin didn’t hesitate at running the errand when he was shifting stiffly from where he was knelt in front of the toilet. He tugged the waist of the sweatpants down so Evan could get to his butt cheek. It felt awkward but he wasn’t going to object. “Thanks for this. You guys have all done so much. I’m an epic mess. I was going to just get a cab home but Merlin’s sweetly relentless on the care and compassion. I don’t feel like I deserve it. I’m sorry if he got you up. Jesse said you just had surgery. Looks like a hell of an op.”
Evan smiled. “Jess and Merl share blood. The Florence Nightingale genes are strong. Everyone deserves care, buddy. Why do you think you deserve to suffer when there’s help here?” He administered the injection quickly and smoothly and glanced at the surgical dressings on his gut. “Okay, all done. You should feel that start to work quickly. It was pretty harrowing surgery but I’m on the mend. Slowed me down more than I care to admit. I’d wager a bet you’re in the same boat, huh?”
Brandon was using the rim of the toilet bowl as a pillow now. “Merlin said they diagnosed you with Crohn’s. One of my staff has that. Rough. I’m sorry. And I’m sorry for getting you out of bed. Honestly, I don’t know how to let anyone take care of me. I’ve had to take care of myself for so fucking long, you know?”
“Oh yeah, I know. For a long while, that’s all I ever knew, especially being Jace’s primary carer for a few years. To go from that to this.” Evan gestured down at the dressings. “It’s not an easy thing to just know how to do, dude. But if Merlin wants to help, let him. Let anyone who wants to, even if you’re a fish outta water with it. Because you need it. No one should be trying to battle cancer as a lone soldier. And don’t stress. I was already up and I’m glad I can help. But when you’re feeling up to it, try to get yourself horizontal on a bed, okay? A body sick with cancer and having immune-throttling chemo, a simple cold could turn into full-blown pneumonia for you very quickly.”
Merlin came bounding back in with a handful of freezer pops, holding them up like a bouquet of flowers. Of course he wasn’t at all wishing he could’ve stayed and caught a glimpse of Brandon’s bare butt in the flesh (he had seen it on his TV show numerous times and it was impressive, to say the least). Okay, so maybe he was. Just a little. Or a lot... “I didn’t know what flavour.”
Evan smirked at Merlin’s enthusiasm. If this wasn’t crush material in action, nothing was. “These are for sucking, not biting… said every dude ever,” he joked and gave Brandon’s shoulder a small pat. “In all seriousness, just suck on it gently. It’ll get some electrolytes back into you without being harsh on your stomach. That’ll help you feel a bit better too. Give me a shout if you guys need anything else, alright?”
Evan soon left them alone and Brandon lingered where he was at the toilet, waiting for the medication to kick in. Whatever it was, the injections the nurse gave him when he was hooked up to the chemo in the private clinic had helped the nausea so he was hoping it was the same good stuff. Evan was a nice guy. They all seemed so kind and sweet. His advice to Brandon of letting himself be taken care of right now was swirling around in his head, making him a little more woozy than he already was. He was so overwhelmed and confused, two emotions fucking difficult to navigate when you were so exhausted. “I’m gay,” he finally murmured, his head still resting on the rim of the toilet bowl. “Not out, very closeted, but still gay. That’s how I know Autumn. She’s been contracted to be my beard. The network execs don’t want me coming out to shake the reputation of the show and need me to still be marketed as het.”
Merlin had been cutting the top off one of the freezer pops with some nail scissors he found in the bathroom drawer amongst his boxes of contacts and face products. He liked being a bit of a ‘metrosexual’ with skincare and hair products, and he loved wearing cologne. He had gotten much more into these things edging his way into the showbiz world via Caden’s incredible opportunities. He dropped the scissors, not expecting that to be something Brandon would say at all. “They… shit, that really happens?” He knew that one comment made him sound naive. He still was naive in a lot of ways, growing up in a small Bible Belt town where homosexuality was frowned upon. It was barely tolerated, at best. It was the reason Jesse moved away to start with. He came and sat back down on the tiles by Brandon and put his hand on Brandon’s knee. “I won’t tell anyone, I promise. But… well, if you had the choice, you’d come out? Is that what you mean?”
“Merlin…” Brandon started and then paused, wetting his lips. He took a couple of deep breaths, relieved to realise the injection Evan had given him seemed to be kicking in. He lifted his head so he could see Merlin’s face. “What I’m trying to say is, I’m gay. The reason I’m here is you. Autumn having a connection to you was sheer coincidence. Or maybe kismet, I don’t know. It’s still kind of a mindfuck. But… I haven’t been able to stop thinking about you since we met in London and I just… never wanted to presume anything. About you. About…” He stopped, being flooded with anxiety of what he was trying to say. He didn’t want to presume Merlin might be interested in guys. He had chalked him up to just being a really sweet, funny and compassionate guy. One he couldn’t stop his mind returning to, no matter how much the execs wanted to keep him firmly locked in the closet.
Merlin listened intently and nodded a couple of times but he wasn’t sure what he was concurring with. Maybe the fact he had been challenging his own sexuality lately, trying to discover his identity and figure out if he was comfortable with it. It hadn’t been easy. He definitely understood that side of things. But he wasn’t that naive or dumb to miss what Brandon was implying here. “Oh… ohhhh.” His cheeks warmed and he bit his lip around a smile he couldn’t hold back and a sheepish giggle-snort that this was even happening. This was Brandon-freaking-Blake, for fuck’s sake! “Well, shit, I… presume about me? To be honest, the night I met you, I was trying to ditch my own presumptions of me, I guess. Gender isn’t a thing to me. I’m attracted to people’s souls and who they are inside, the equipment they’re born with downstairs doesn’t really come into it, if that makes sense. At least, I think. I’m kind of still a virgin.” Cue turning bright red at that admission to a guy who filmed hot sex scenes with bare ass shots for a TV show with viewers all around the world. What else could he do but blush and offer Brandon the freezer pop.
Brandon smiled too. How could he not? Merlin was a sweetheart and adorable to boot. He was pretty sure he was developing a bit of a kink for Merlin’s bashfulness and how easily he blushed. He closed the toilet lid and flushed when he was more confident he wouldn’t need it again immediately. “You don’t know how refreshing that is to hear. Not that you’re a virgin, but that you’re okay telling me that without feeling shameful about it. Embarrassed maybe, but not shameful.” He gratefully accepted the freezer pop. “You have nothing to be embarrassed about. Anyway, other than adoption, this is something else we have in common. Trying to navigate sexuality. I’ve just had a huge stop sign thrown in the path of my journey.”
“I think if I was still living back home, I wouldn’t have even let myself realise I was anything but straight. But I’ve never be attracted to guys or girls because they’re guys or girls. It was always because I had a connection with someone. Then, when I got here, I met an amazing girl who just happened to be trans and I started to see things differently. We dated for a little while but we’re just friends now. We were both adjusting to huge life changes. She had surgery and had to learn herself again and I just found out I was adopted and really didn’t handle it well. It wasn’t the right place to try to date. I’m lucky I get to keep an amazing friend out of it. Hell, she would freak if she knew I met you. She’s a huge fan. But don’t worry, I won’t say anything.” Merlin’s eyes searching Brandon’s face, trying to assess how he was holding up. He wasn’t just pale. He had this sickly grey-beige colour to his complexion and his lips were dry. He looked like he hadn’t slept in a week either but Merlin knew he at least caught some sleep before all this hit. “Will you come and lie back down on the bed? I don’t want to hear any worries about getting blood or throw up on the bedding. We own a washing machine. I can take in a bucket for you and I’ll get the fan out if you’re still hot. You don’t have to be anymore uncomfortable than you already are having cancer. But if you feel better here, that’s okay. I’ll stay with you.”
Brandon nodded and held his hand out to Merlin. “Help me up? I don’t trust my luck not to trip into the wall and knock myself out. Whatever Evan gave me, it’s helping.” The other things Merlin was saying, though, it brought Brandon back to reality and he was closing his eyes once he was on his feet, holding himself up on the vanity until the wooziness eased off. It was a reminder why had been trying to hold Autumn off on this whole thing. He didn’t say anything, though. At least not until they were back in Merlin’s bedroom after Brandon splashed some water on his face and rinsed his mouth out with mouthwash. Merlin was buzzing around changing the quilt cover because there was blood on the other one. He disappeared for a bit to put the other freezer pops back so they didn’t melt and put everything that needed a wash in the machine. He came back with a little desk fan which he plugged in beside the bed on the side Brandon had been lying on. Brandon was working on the sucking of his freezer pop and even though he had found Evan’s joke about sucking and not biting amusing, he was too troubled by his thoughts now for it to allow him to crack a smile. “Merlin? I have to tell you something. It might make you change your mind about having me stick around keeping you up all night…”
Merlin shook the fresh quilt cover into place and spread it over the bed. He looked over at Brandon and his eyes narrowed a little with uncertainty, trying to figure out what that could mean. “Wow, that sounds kind of ominous. Are you in the Mafia or something? To be fair, I would understand if that was what your TV execs wanted to keep hush. I don’t quite understand why they would want to keep you in the closet. But I know all that TV stuff is way out of my league.” He was starting with some of that nervous chatter and had to shut himself up before he got a full case of verbal diarrhoea. He cleared his throat and rounded the bed to sit on the side of it beside Brandon. “Okay, hit me. I don’t think it can be any worse than when it was confirmed I was adopted.”
“I should never have come here to speak with Jesse.” Brandon lowered his gaze to where the freezer pop was nestled between his fingers. He had gotten about two-thirds the way through it and thankfully hadn’t puked it back up, thanks to Evan’s miracle butt injection. “Autumn was really persuasive but I should’ve just told her thanks but no thanks. Because… what you just said then about not telling your friend about me, like you’d have to be harbouring lies to the people you care about all because I’m up to my eyeballs in contracts controlling my live. My life. Having them control that is bad enough but I couldn’t live with it having to control someone else’s life.”
Merlin could tell Brandon had a much wider picture of this whole thing than he was making clear. At first, he didn’t understand what Brandon was meaning which only told him this whole situation was clearly complicated and stressful for Brandon. Merlin had some understanding of how it would be like to deny who you were to keep up appearances. It’s what Jesse went through before moving to New York and Jesse had been honest that it nearly killed him keeping the secret. Brandon must have so many people trying to control his life. Is that why he seemed to be trying to go so much alone, so he had some semblance of control that not every single part of him was public property. “Like… a partner?”
“I shouldn’t have come because I can’t date a guy. I can’t do that and expect them to have to lie through their teeth to keep our relationship secret. Not be able to be seen with me. Have to live behind smoke and mirrors while the world thinks I’m actually either in love with my female co-star or a beard.” Brandon leaned over, elbows on his knees and rested his head in his hand, palm pressed over his mouth while he worked through his thoughts so he didn’t accidentally offend Merlin, no matter how good his intentions were being honest with him here. It took a few moments to maintain his composure to go on. He was tired and the middle of a rough night probably wasn’t the best timing but he couldn’t put it off. “But… but even knowing all that, once I knew that she knew you and suggested I talk to Jesse, I was selfish and wanted to hear more about you. I was just going to come to get it out of my system. I think he was concerned I’d hurt you and he’s right. I was just going to reassure him that I couldn’t do anything even if I wanted to. Without all that, I would want to. I’d want to ask you on a date and see what happened next but I just… can’t. I’m sorry. Do you need me to go?”
Merlin wet his lips and didn’t take his eyes off Brandon where he had been listening intently to everything he said. “Do you want to go?” he murmured. Because it sounded to him like Brandon did very little because he wanted to and everything because he was obligated to.
Brandon met Merlin’s gaze with a slow shake of his head. “No.” In that moment, he wanted nothing more than to kiss Merlin. The desire almost had physical force through him and it felt impossible to fight off, especially with how bright and kind Merlin’s dark eyes looked holding his gaze that unwaveringly. But he did fight it off… only just. If only by telling himself he had just been almost puking up internal organs and a bit of mouthwash wouldn’t rectify that. Not to mention the fact it would confuse Merlin and it wouldn’t be fair to him.
“Then hop in before you keel over.” Merlin stood and put the little fan on the lowest setting and aimed it at the pillow so it would blow on Brandon’s face once he was lying down. The bedside lamps were on, casting a soft glow over the room. This way, the heating in here could stay on so Brandon didn’t catch a cold but the air from the fan should take a little of the hot discomfort he was feeling that had him seeking comfort from the cool of the bathroom tiles. He held the covers back for Brandon to get into the bed, where before, he had been merely lying on the bed with a throw over him. Once he was settled with some water, Kleenex and a bucket in easy reach, Merlin went to the other side and climbed in under the covers, not even thinking twice about it and rolled into his side, hand tucked under the pillow. “What do you have planned for Christmas if you don’t have family?”
Brandon was lying on his back, basking in the feeling of the fan on his face. He turned his head to look at Merlin and a small shrug. “Chemo. Probably more puking and god knows what other side effects might hit. A very Merry Christmas,” he added with a wry snort. “After that, sleep, I guess. I hope. I can almost tolerate the thought of it if I can sleep through it.”
“You mean alone?” Merlin guessed, noting the way Brandon dodged that part of the question, the most important part.
“Well, it’s a small clinic but it’s not deserted. Staff and other patients will be there. It’s just not as hectic and impersonal as a hospital.” Brandon met Merlin’s gaze. “Are you mad at me? You’re not saying much. Not… chatty like you have been.”
Merlin smiled softly and rested his tongue between his lips. “Not even a little bit. I just think there seems to be a very fine line between coming into someone’s life or being invited in. I understand, you’re obligated under contracts or whatever else arrangements in place needing you in the closet but it sounds like a whole lot more is being kept out of your life than is allowed in and I find that really sad for you. It must be lonely. I just respect that you’re unable to have a male lover but from the way you worded everything, it sounds like you’re not even allowed to have friends. Or maybe you just find it safer not to. Either way, I see boundaries and I’d never want to breach those, let alone when you’re feeling so poorly. I’m glad we got to have another chat and that you came to see Jesse. But I also respect that, come morning, you’ll leap back into your and that’ll be that. If it wasn’t that, just so you know, I’d invite you to Christmas here with us.” He gave Brandon another tiny smile, though this time, there was sadness around the edges. But as much as he was trying to take the high road here, he was still Merlin Larson, Hufflepuff Extraordinaire, as Cas called him. “Come to Christmas. No one should be alone for Christmas.”
Brandon closed his eyes and sighed. If he hated the situation he was in before, he was hating it even more now. This was so much harder than he anticipated and he had anticipated it would be pretty fucking hard. “Merlin…”
Merlin looked at Brandon’s hands resting on his chest now it was free from the freezer pop he managed to finish before lying down. He put his own hand over the top of them. “I just think that if there’s someone out there that’s a perfect match for you, they would be okay to make sacrifices. But if you’re taking all those choices away before they even know they have them, how will you ever know? And if the leukemia might take your life, do you really want to die never experiencing real love?”
Brandon didn’t open his eyes. He was sure if he did and had to see the look on Merlin’s face he was pretty sure was there, he would lose it. Even so, he was choking up and some tears escaped, trickling down his temples and wetting his ears. What Merlin just said was the hardest part of this whole thing. He rolled onto his side to try to hide it from Merlin. He was too exhausted to keep going with the conversation. Especially because all he wanted was to tell Merlin he had the balls to do all that when really, he was terrified of everything in his life. Most of all, he was terrified what Merlin just said would, indeed, happen.
LOG, COMPLETE