Sasha Martin Stanford (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
beautifulday) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
dreamlikenewyork2018-09-21 01:10 am
beautifulday) wrote in dreamlikenewyork2018-09-21 01:10 am
"When I'm gone, you'll need love to light the shadows on your face."
Who: Sasha Stanford and Justin Campbell with Tori Kingston, Cassidy Cohen, Zeke Wyatt and the rest of the squad
What: Andi's Memorial
Where: Lakehouse, Vermont
When: After this and this
Sasha wasn’t in a good headspace from the moment he woke up. It was the day of Andi’s planned memorial which they were going to do down on the pier after dark and Justin had secretly planned a lot for it behind the scenes because he wanted to make it special for Andi, Sash and Tori. Sasha and Tori had ideas of what they wanted to do, but Justin had arranged a few things to make it extra special. Nothing anyone had to do anything for. He hired some help, which would get everything sorted over the day when everyone had planned to see some of the local sights and took a the shops in the nearest town.
Justin wasn’t going, of course. He was still strictly in recovery mode and knew he had to rest. Tori had mostly been in bed since the horrible night at the neighbours’ barbecue so he stayed back at the lakehouse with Justin and Zeke. Sasha was going to go but he pulled the plug when he woke up. He said he wanted to be alone and went for a walk somewhere. Justin asked if he could just send him some texts now and again to let him know he was okay out there on his own.
Justin ended up crashing around lunch time. He laid down for a bit because he had some stomach pain and fell asleep. He woke up a couple of hours later to witness Sasha standing on the other side of the room throwing his cell phone into the wall and bursting into tears, pressing his hands over his face. “Sash?” He was stiff and sore when he got up, but he went over to Sasha to pull him into a hug, prying his hands away from his face. “What is it? What’s happened? Hey, come on. Talk to me, baby.”
Sasha tried to pull away but it was only reflexive due to his frustration. “I don’t know what it was! I can hear it and I think I can hear the words, but when I try to remember them, they’re just gone! Why can’t I fucking remember?!” He put his hands up to his face with a growl of frustration and went over to the where the door to the patio was open and banged his hand against the doorframe. The tears kept spilling over but they were a mix of sadness, frustration, and anger. It was all converging, much like it had all those months ago at Andi’s funeral. The memorial was bringing everything back and his anxiety was making it impossible to cope with.
Justin followed and took hold of Sasha’s hands before he did something like punch a wall or smash his phone if it wasn’t already broken. Holding both his hands, he led him to the bed so they could sit on the edge. He wiped away some of Sasha’s tears with his thumbs. “Words for what? Let me help, okay? Just take some deep breaths and explain to me slowly what you’re trying to remember.” It could be words for anything. He didn’t know exactly what Sasha had planned for the memorial but as upset as he was, it had to be something to do with that. A speech or a poem or something, it sounded like.
“I… I had another dream. About Andi. She was here. I know it was her, but I didn’t see her face. She was sitting down on the end of the pier with her legs dangling over the edge and she was a flower crown. She still had her hair. It was this coppery rose gold colour. She always said if she had ever been able to grow her hair back, she would dye it rose gold. She was wearing our shirt. We had matching t-shirts that said Team Bestie on it and our names on the back. They were made up for a cancer colour run I did to raise money. She was sick by then and couldn’t do it, so I did it for her.” Sasha shook his head, scrunching his face up because he was losing his train of thought. Or maybe he wasn’t and there wasn’t such a thing as a train of thought when you were in this much pain. “T-There was a song. It was playing. Like a soundtrack of a movie or something, but… but… you were singing it. It was you. But I don’t think it’s something I’ve ever hear you sing before? And I can’t find it! I can’t find it...”
Anyone else might think Sasha was just overthinking everything or he was dreaming about Andi being here because he was stressing about the memorial and thinking about her a lot. Not Justin. He knew these dreams of Sasha’s had been way too scarily accurate to be just dreams and that he sensed things and if this turned out to be a song he really hadn’t sung, it would be another of those WTF moments, but an important one. He also knew there had been signs that had to be from Andi, though he didn’t know what they all should mean or why. Before, he wasn’t a believer. Of anything supernatural or spiritual or anything like that. Sash’s track record for accuracy on things he could know nothing about swung him. He believed Sasha’s gift or power or sixth sense. Whatever it was. Sasha was convinced Andi’s job wasn’t to protect him but to protect Justin for him. They would never have met without her.
And Sash was too stressed about this to need it brushed off as nothing. He took Sasha’s hands again and stroked his knuckles. “It’s okay. I can help. What did you think the song was about? Can you describe it?” he asked, trying help Sasha calm down so he didn’t give himself a migraine and end up missing the memorial. He gave Sasha a soft kiss. “I’m here. We’ll find the song, I promise.” He got up and went to find Sasha’s medication. Again, not enough of a stock that Justin could misused it to overdose but enough to have on hand if Sasha was getting early warning signs of an impending migraine. He put a couple of the pills in Sasha’s palm and gave him their shared bottle of water from by the bed.
“Just, um… someone being here to take her place and needing someone to guide me through tough days? See? What if I’m just projecting because I miss her so much? I miss her, Jus. I miss her so fucking much and it feels like it’s never going to stop.” Sasha put the pills in his mouth and took a drink, but he was still crying and nearly choked himself, ending up in a coughing fit. When he could form words again without risking drooling, he leaned over and buried his face in his hands. “I want to go home. I shouldn’t have come.”
Justin rubbed Sasha’s back and combed his fingers through his hair. “How about we not go home straight away and we stay for the memorial, because you’ll regret it forever if you don’t. Then if you still feel like this in the morning, I’ll call Dad to arrange our flights back.” Sasha kept trying to bury himself in his hands so Justin gently took them again. “Look at me, baby. I want you to take some deep breaths and then I want you to try to hum the song you hear for me. Can you do that? Even if you think it doesn’t sound right, just give it a try. Then we’ll try to figure out why she wanted you to hear it.”
Sasha anchored himself to Justin’s calmness and focused on trying to pull himself together. He wasn’t even sure why he lost his shit. Everything just got overwhelming when he was already dealing with his stirred up anxiety. That had been aggravated since Justin’s mother contacted him again and led to him showing up on Ice that night but it wasn’t Justin’s fault. This was just part and parcel of having a sick boyfriend. Only, right now, he was realising Justin was probably facing the same sort of deal. When Sasha got like this, it was definitely classified as an illness. He was already booked in to see a therapist when he got back to New York. “It’s probably not even going to sound like a song.”
“It will. You can sing and you know how to harmonise. Just close your eyes, harmonise your humming so I can hear what you heard in the dream,” Justin coaxed and put his hand on Sasha’s chest. He hoped if he could hear even just a few bars of it, he would be able to isolate it. It would also force Sasha to focus on something and might help calm him down. He closed his eyes too and listened to the melody Sasha was humming, even if it was hesitant and self-conscious.
He squeezed Sasha’s hand and opened his eyes. “I think it might be Wherever You Will Go by The Calling. Only, you’ve slowed the tempo so it’s probably the acoustic cover. Here.” He took his phone out of his pocket and found the song on Apple Music and hit play for Sasha to listen. He handed him the phone and then bit his lip, watching his face for his reaction. “Sash, I’ve never sung this song. Not the original, not the acoustic. Do you think she wants me to sing this for you? You want me to sing at her memorial? I can if you want me to.”
All Sasha really wanted to do was crawl into bed and cry. He wouldn’t. He and Tori both ultimately wanted this memorial for Andi to be perfect, that didn’t mean it was easy to navigate. Case in point was when he proceeded to hug Justin’s phone to his chest and sit there crying. Justin let him, too. He sat there holding him, stroking his hair and didn’t push him to do or say anything else yet. There had been this little part of him that wanted Justin to say he had sung it somewhere, possibly recently, because it would strip the significance from the dream. Justin’s confirmation that he hadn’t weighed on Sasha because it was still so hard for him to think of Andi as ‘being there’, without being there. She was still gone. They still couldn’t talk or laugh together. “The lyrics. Fuck…” he mumbled tearily, wiping his eyes hastily with his fingers. “You should be resting. You’re not conditioned. You’re not supposed to work. Maybe she’s just… just… confirming she’s been with you through all this? Do you think she has?”
“This isn’t work, baby. I’m not going to be dancing on pianos or hanging off scaffolding like I do for the show. I can sing this. It’s acoustic. It’s more melody than power. I can do this for Andi.” Sometimes, Justin knew Sasha would ask him these things more to make sense of the tragic circumstances than to really need to know if Justin thought Andi watched over them or not. They talked about it a lot and he was glad they could. All he ever wanted was a relationship where talking was second-nature and not like it had to be deserved. It wasn’t a prize. It should be as natural as cuddles and kisses in a relationship and it was for them. Save for Justin’s worst days where he was either too manic to focus on a subject or too depressed to be able to form cohesive thought. Sash could still be trying to make sense of all this stuff for decades to come. You didn’t just get over the death of someone who was part of you and had literally been in your life for almost the full duration of it. “You know, I thought about this when I was in hospital after the operation. When Alec sat with me and I began to realise I was self-harming by not telling the staff how much pain I had in my stomach. Like, the worst of it happened when I was in a roomful of people, including you and Hunter, and I couldn’t hide it. And then… the night when I was on drugs. I have no fucking idea why I locked us all in and threw the keys out the window. I don’t even remember doing it. I’ve never told anyone to get me to hospital or I’ll kill myself either. I’ve asked for help when I’ve felt like hurting myself, but not like that. So… I do. I think we can’t explain it and maybe we’re not supposed to. Maybe that’s just how it works up there. But I just want you to know something, baby. I will never, ever take her place,” he promised, pointing at his phone Sasha was holding, referencing the opening line of the song.
“I know. I know…” Sasha put the phone on the bed so he could hug Justin, wrapping him up tightly enough to want to disappear into it but not to hurt him. “You would never. You have your own place and I know at the end, that’s what she wanted. I keep wondering what she must’ve been thinking when she came up with the idea to use her wish for me to meet you. If she had told me about it, I would’ve vehemently opposed because, well… you’re you and I’m me…” It was about as eloquent as he could get when he thought about how he and Justin came to be. That was his one regret, that he didn’t have more time with Andi to get to know Justin and to talk to her about him. She always told him she never wanted him to have any regrets once she was gone, no matter how it happened. She wanted him to have the memories, not the pain.
He braced himself with a shaky intake of breath and tried to blow the emotions away, even if there were some tears dripping down his cheeks. He wrapped his hand around Justin’s, holding on tightly, nodding. “She would. She would want you to sing, but not if you’re not up to it. I would want you to too. I never thanked you for what you did at her funeral. When I couldn’t sing and you just… just stepped right in. You knew the song, the lyrics, you didn’t even hesitate even if it was a room full of people who knew who you were and knew that just weeks before, you tried to drown yourself. You should’ve been recovering, not doing any of that stuff and back then, I didn’t know what recovery took for you. Or what it took for you to get to the point where you attempted suicide. I just knew you were this incredibly talented person who had overcome mental illness to do the amazing things you did. And looked frankly smoking shirtless with skinny jeans and High-Tops. Pretty sure I may have accidentally jerked off over you in the shower without realising it, but that’s a story for another day. What I’m saying is, you were special to her too. I don’t think she wants you to sing because I do. I think she just wants you to because you did something beautiful for her in her final days and I don’t think she’ll ever forget that, no matter how many new worlds she moves onto after this one. That’s all. That got way more wordy than I expected it to,” he added with a teary yet sheepish laugh.
Justin rubbed Sasha’s arm and gave him a kiss. “I made your spank bank before you were even gay? Relationship goals!” He tucked his forehead into Sasha’s temple and caressed little circles near his elbow with his thumb, just sitting there and holding him. “Let’s go outside with a blanket and find a tree to lie under for awhile. Just away from everything so you can calm down and remember how to breathe again. The memorial will be tough, baby, but we’ll make sure it’s everything she deserves and more. All these guys here, I know they would’ve loved her. They care about her as if they always did. Okay?”
He made sure to strategically guide Sasha to a quiet place on the property on the other side to the main thoroughfare so he didn’t see the people coming to set up the yard and pier for the memorial. They weren’t really sure what everyone else was up to, but everyone was self-sufficient and mostly doing their own thing anyway. They didn’t talk a lot, save for Sasha checking a couple of times if Justin really was up to singing and if the song was okay, and some doubt if Sasha even wanted to go through with the memorial. They fell asleep at some point without realising because the next thing Justin knew, Cas was shaking his knee gently to wake him up and asked him if Sasha still wanted to go ahead with it all.
Sasha was sandwiched into his side, fast asleep with his head on Justin’s shoulder, snoring softly. It was dusk and the sun was setting. The lake air really must be relaxing and intoxicating. Cas said she would get everyone rounded up to meet down on the pier and confirmed everything Justin (or more accurately, Ari) had arranged had been delivered and set up. Pizza was pre-ordered to be delivered later, all Andi’s favourite toppings of ham and pineapple. They had done a quick survey if that was okay and they discovered collectively that everyone but Fin liked pineapple on their pizza. Fin, of course, would forever be a pepperoni-only dude, especially when pineapple gave him hives.
Before they headed to the pier, Sasha had an extremely long bathroom trip that caused Justin to ask through the door if he was sick or unconscious in there. It was neither. Sasha just admitted he was trying to psych himself up for the memorial but he got there in the end. When Justin led him out onto the porch by his hand after the sun had set, Sasha’s breath was immediately taken away. The backyard was decorated with hundreds of fairy lights and garlands of flowers. The entire path was lined with purple lanterns and the pier was adorned with more fairy lights. His emotions wavered again and he rubbed his hand over the back of his hair with a choked disbelieving, “Are you fucking serious?” He caught his tongue between his lips and looked at Justin, tears blurring his vision. “You did all this?”
“Not just me. Come on, baby.” Justin took Sasha’s hand and led him down the path where piles of Polaroids of pictures of Andi and her family and friends were strung on between the branches of the trees. Amongst them hung handwritten notes on purple paper. When Justin heard they were going to have a private memorial for Andi, he contacted Andi’s mum directly and asked if there was any way she could arrange to have as many people from Andi’s life write a message to her on the notes. Once the memorial was over tonight, all the photos and notes would be mounted in two books, one for Andi’s family and one for Sasha. Lining the banks of the lake were enough glamping tents for every couple to be able to sleep out under the stars for the night and a self-contained campfire with large cushions so everyone could relax and remember Andi in the happy way Sasha was yearning for. It didn’t matter that there was a luxury house a stone’s throw away. This was special and it not only had to be different from every other night, but it had to be memorable too. And by perhaps another miracle, the weather was perfect and the sky was blanketed in stars that matched the fairy lights. Jesse and Jace were going to stick nearby up at the house and Ari and Trent had arrived earlier in the day to take over from Reecy and Kyan, who had to go back to New York for work.
Everyone else was already down on the pier and Amarlie was sharing sparklers around for everyone. Standing at the edge of the lake, Cassidy had her arms wrapped around Tori while he was crying so hard, his whole body was shaking with the sobs. Sasha didn’t hesitate to go over and as soon as Cas saw him, she relinquished the embrace and let Sasha take over. She kissed Tori’s head and rubbed Sasha’s back before stepping over to wait with Justin. Sasha was saying something to Tori as he hugged him, but Justin and Cas stepped up to the edge of the pier to give them privacy.
“You did amazing, sweetie. How did you get all this done when you were so laid up?” Cassidy asked, taking Justin’s hand and kissing his cheek.
Justin gave her a small smile and shook his head. “I’m a trust fund brat. I paid someone to do it,” he murmured. His eyes shifted back to Sasha and Tori. “I’m just joking. Sort of. I paid someone to do the leg work like setting up and delivering flowers. Everything else, Andi’s mum took over a lot of it and helped me pull the special stuff off. She came and visited me in hospital a few times. It was nice. We talked a lot. How’s Tori been? I wasn’t sure I’d get Sash here. He wanted to go home this morning and we would’ve been on the next plane back if he didn’t get through it.”
Cassidy caught her lip between her teeth and looked down at her feet. “Tori’s… we, um…” She felt herself blushing when she tripped over her words. Justin was nailing her with a look and she tucked her hair behind her ears. She lowered her voice to a whisper so no one else would hear. “It’s not what you think! It’s just… uh… on that path. I nursed him through his wicked hangover and concussion and we talked a lot through it. Then when he was feeling a little better, we talked about more personal things. Then really personal things. We experimented a little and I’ll totally tell you more later. I feel like this isn’t the right time or place.” She looked around furtively, but there was no rush for anything.
Justin was giving her a knowing smile now and he shook his head. “They need this time. We can’t start until they’re ready. Sooo… experimented? Now, I know it’s not public knowledge or anything, but I know Tori’s a virgin too, so how far did the experimenting get? Trust me, Andi totally wouldn’t mind if we distracted ourselves for a bit while we waited.” Sash and Tori were still hugging and they seemed to be having a quiet conversation too. He didn’t have to hear what was being said to know it would be a much-needed cathartic moment for them. Long overdue, too.
Cassidy shrugged and hid her face behind her hand. She turned her head into his and kept her voice low. “Handjob? Mutual masturbation? Got each other off? Jus, it works. My female body works and he wasn’t turned off by it! He was so sweet and gentle. I just… I can’t quite believe it’s happened. Let’s just say, I’m totally straight and totally not Ace. It felt so surreal but amazing. We just helped each other along and now I can see why people love sex so much.”
Justin looped his arm around her waist and kissed her cheek. “I’m proud of you, you know that? I know what a huge step it was to trust someone to be intimate with your body when you weren’t even sure you knew it well yourself. Don’t worry, I won’t tease you right now. Clearly I’m going to wait until we’re in a more private place and grill you,” he joked. He gave her a side-eyed glance with a smirk, giving her a little nudge with his shoulder. “So, things are getting serious, huh? It’s lucky he’s nice or I’d probably be obligated to threaten him or something. Which would be awkward, considering he’s my fiance’s brother from another mother and all that. We should go,” he murmured, taking her hand and squeezing it when she noticed Sash step back from the hug with Tori and they were giving each other brotherly pats on the back.
Justin went over to Sasha and took his hand, kissing his fingers. “Ready?” Sasha nodded but was too choked up to find words. Before they stepped onto the pier, Justin handed Sasha an arrangement of Andi’s favourite flowers in the shape of an A. Everyone else had wreaths of purple and white flowers, each with a little lit lantern in the centre that would floating on the lake in Andi’s memory. These were one of those times Justin was proud of himself for being gifted with the talent of song in the way he was. Much of his life might suck with the darkness and damage he lived with in his head, but his musical talents made up for it and he felt like that at least balanced something. What it meant was that he had an extremely powerful singing voice with a vocal range that wasn’t common. But if he had to be given some consolation prize for being dealt a shitty life hand, he was proud of this one.
So, he could sing the song Sasha had heard in his dream without needing a microphone. The expanse of the lake lined by trees actually helped the acoustics and he had a feeling what Sasha heard in his dream was the haunting way it made the keys linger and reflect off the lake’s surface. He knew when Sasha dissolved into tears with no way of staving it off that he was probably listening to what he heard in the dream and realising that no matter how much he hoped, Andi was there sitting on the edge of the pier dangling her legs over the edge like she was still alive and free.
Sasha couldn’t speak yet. He wanted to. But all the emotions were knotted up in sadness inside. But the sadness wasn’t a bad feeling. None of this was bad. It was incredible. He just thought they would be floating some lanterns on the water and saying some nice things. He had no words for how amazing Justin was or how amazing his friends were. And he was so overwhelmed by the enormity of it that he had to lean against the railing off the pier to try to catch his breath. It was so hard to be hearing the song he knew had been in his dream. All those times Andi used to joke that if she had a way to let him know she was okay and to check on him even after she was gone, she would make sure he knew it.
It was a beautiful memorial. Sasha did the best he could to hold it together relatively well right up until he saw Zeke break down in tears that he didn’t seem to have enough energy to achieve. He remembered then that Zeke didn’t get to Andi’s funeral like Tori because, being freshly in remission himself, he couldn’t face seeing the coffin, knowing Andi was in there, knowing cancer did it. He didn’t think twice about stepping up to Zeke and putting his arm around his waist and rubbing his back. As hard as this was for all of them, he knew they would be glad they were here and did it. The memories were more important than the pain and had the power to eclipse the pain in power.
Sasha helped Zeke sit down on the edge of the pier and then sat beside him. Tori sat down on Sasha’s other side. When Justin finished singing, it felt so quiet - maybe too quiet - and so still. There were tears and sniffling, the gentle ebb and flow of the water lapping against the pillars of the pier, and a slight breeze sweeping through the leaves of the trees. Maybe it was a metaphorical silence that made it feel more quiet than ever. He had the A-shaped wreath in his lap and he was running the petal of one of the flowers between his fingers, an anxious gesture he didn’t even realise he was doing. He closed his eyes and fought off the urge to get back up and back away. Only because that would be the easier option. He was starkly conscious that all his friends were there and Andi’s absence was so distinct in that moment. In his dream, she had been sitting right there in the spot he was. And then he remembered something from years ago, and shifted his hip a little to see both Andi’s and his initials etched in the weathered plank of the pier.
Closing his eyes, he mapped his fingertip over the letters. “There’s this quote on the internet that says, ‘Grief, I’ve learned, is really just love. It’s all the love you want to give, but cannot. All that unspent love gathers up in the corners of your eyes, the lump in your throat, and in that hollow part of your chest. Grief is just love with no place to go.’ There comes a point where words can’t even touch how you’re feeling inside. They all just feel like noise. It’s never enough to feel that empty place. So, you start getting used to feeling the empty place and after awhile, it doesn’t feel like a bad thing. It feels like the piece inside stays reserved for the person who always filled it, just in different ways. In memories. In photos. In songs that remind you of moments. Andi, she… never wanted her death to be about death. Sounds easier said than done, I know. There’s nothing that feels worse than death or near death, no matter what is the cause. Because death means trying to keep going without something you know belongs with you. It also means understanding that some of the amazing things that happen to you after the death might not have happened without it. And that’s a pretty special thing. It’s like they had to go to be able to give you the gift of what was to come.”
Trying to blink away tears that were blurring his vision, Sasha wet his lips before he continued and took some shaky breaths. “That’s all Andi wanted. Not just for me, but for everyone she loved. And I know she had to have spent so much time thinking about how life would look for everyone once she was gone. Hoping we would all be okay and taken care of. That we remembered how to be happy. How to laugh, to sing, and dance, and maybe throw caution to the wind and test drive love. And I say tonight, we all do that. It’s what she would want and shit knows, I’d be near the top of her list of people who need to do more of that. I’m pretty sure she didn’t navigate me into the path of one of the hottest young performers of the century for no reason,” he added with a teary laugh, wiping his cheeks. “I love you, Ands. I always will. Tonight’s a thank you, for reminding us all that it’s okay to smile through the tears and dance through the storms. We’re all eventually going to end up in the same place day anyway.” He leaned over and gently let the wreath drop to the water where it started to drift away from the pier, the reflection of the tiny light in the lamp following it.
LOG, COMPLETE
What: Andi's Memorial
Where: Lakehouse, Vermont
When: After this and this
Sasha wasn’t in a good headspace from the moment he woke up. It was the day of Andi’s planned memorial which they were going to do down on the pier after dark and Justin had secretly planned a lot for it behind the scenes because he wanted to make it special for Andi, Sash and Tori. Sasha and Tori had ideas of what they wanted to do, but Justin had arranged a few things to make it extra special. Nothing anyone had to do anything for. He hired some help, which would get everything sorted over the day when everyone had planned to see some of the local sights and took a the shops in the nearest town.
Justin wasn’t going, of course. He was still strictly in recovery mode and knew he had to rest. Tori had mostly been in bed since the horrible night at the neighbours’ barbecue so he stayed back at the lakehouse with Justin and Zeke. Sasha was going to go but he pulled the plug when he woke up. He said he wanted to be alone and went for a walk somewhere. Justin asked if he could just send him some texts now and again to let him know he was okay out there on his own.
Justin ended up crashing around lunch time. He laid down for a bit because he had some stomach pain and fell asleep. He woke up a couple of hours later to witness Sasha standing on the other side of the room throwing his cell phone into the wall and bursting into tears, pressing his hands over his face. “Sash?” He was stiff and sore when he got up, but he went over to Sasha to pull him into a hug, prying his hands away from his face. “What is it? What’s happened? Hey, come on. Talk to me, baby.”
Sasha tried to pull away but it was only reflexive due to his frustration. “I don’t know what it was! I can hear it and I think I can hear the words, but when I try to remember them, they’re just gone! Why can’t I fucking remember?!” He put his hands up to his face with a growl of frustration and went over to the where the door to the patio was open and banged his hand against the doorframe. The tears kept spilling over but they were a mix of sadness, frustration, and anger. It was all converging, much like it had all those months ago at Andi’s funeral. The memorial was bringing everything back and his anxiety was making it impossible to cope with.
Justin followed and took hold of Sasha’s hands before he did something like punch a wall or smash his phone if it wasn’t already broken. Holding both his hands, he led him to the bed so they could sit on the edge. He wiped away some of Sasha’s tears with his thumbs. “Words for what? Let me help, okay? Just take some deep breaths and explain to me slowly what you’re trying to remember.” It could be words for anything. He didn’t know exactly what Sasha had planned for the memorial but as upset as he was, it had to be something to do with that. A speech or a poem or something, it sounded like.
“I… I had another dream. About Andi. She was here. I know it was her, but I didn’t see her face. She was sitting down on the end of the pier with her legs dangling over the edge and she was a flower crown. She still had her hair. It was this coppery rose gold colour. She always said if she had ever been able to grow her hair back, she would dye it rose gold. She was wearing our shirt. We had matching t-shirts that said Team Bestie on it and our names on the back. They were made up for a cancer colour run I did to raise money. She was sick by then and couldn’t do it, so I did it for her.” Sasha shook his head, scrunching his face up because he was losing his train of thought. Or maybe he wasn’t and there wasn’t such a thing as a train of thought when you were in this much pain. “T-There was a song. It was playing. Like a soundtrack of a movie or something, but… but… you were singing it. It was you. But I don’t think it’s something I’ve ever hear you sing before? And I can’t find it! I can’t find it...”
Anyone else might think Sasha was just overthinking everything or he was dreaming about Andi being here because he was stressing about the memorial and thinking about her a lot. Not Justin. He knew these dreams of Sasha’s had been way too scarily accurate to be just dreams and that he sensed things and if this turned out to be a song he really hadn’t sung, it would be another of those WTF moments, but an important one. He also knew there had been signs that had to be from Andi, though he didn’t know what they all should mean or why. Before, he wasn’t a believer. Of anything supernatural or spiritual or anything like that. Sash’s track record for accuracy on things he could know nothing about swung him. He believed Sasha’s gift or power or sixth sense. Whatever it was. Sasha was convinced Andi’s job wasn’t to protect him but to protect Justin for him. They would never have met without her.
And Sash was too stressed about this to need it brushed off as nothing. He took Sasha’s hands again and stroked his knuckles. “It’s okay. I can help. What did you think the song was about? Can you describe it?” he asked, trying help Sasha calm down so he didn’t give himself a migraine and end up missing the memorial. He gave Sasha a soft kiss. “I’m here. We’ll find the song, I promise.” He got up and went to find Sasha’s medication. Again, not enough of a stock that Justin could misused it to overdose but enough to have on hand if Sasha was getting early warning signs of an impending migraine. He put a couple of the pills in Sasha’s palm and gave him their shared bottle of water from by the bed.
“Just, um… someone being here to take her place and needing someone to guide me through tough days? See? What if I’m just projecting because I miss her so much? I miss her, Jus. I miss her so fucking much and it feels like it’s never going to stop.” Sasha put the pills in his mouth and took a drink, but he was still crying and nearly choked himself, ending up in a coughing fit. When he could form words again without risking drooling, he leaned over and buried his face in his hands. “I want to go home. I shouldn’t have come.”
Justin rubbed Sasha’s back and combed his fingers through his hair. “How about we not go home straight away and we stay for the memorial, because you’ll regret it forever if you don’t. Then if you still feel like this in the morning, I’ll call Dad to arrange our flights back.” Sasha kept trying to bury himself in his hands so Justin gently took them again. “Look at me, baby. I want you to take some deep breaths and then I want you to try to hum the song you hear for me. Can you do that? Even if you think it doesn’t sound right, just give it a try. Then we’ll try to figure out why she wanted you to hear it.”
Sasha anchored himself to Justin’s calmness and focused on trying to pull himself together. He wasn’t even sure why he lost his shit. Everything just got overwhelming when he was already dealing with his stirred up anxiety. That had been aggravated since Justin’s mother contacted him again and led to him showing up on Ice that night but it wasn’t Justin’s fault. This was just part and parcel of having a sick boyfriend. Only, right now, he was realising Justin was probably facing the same sort of deal. When Sasha got like this, it was definitely classified as an illness. He was already booked in to see a therapist when he got back to New York. “It’s probably not even going to sound like a song.”
“It will. You can sing and you know how to harmonise. Just close your eyes, harmonise your humming so I can hear what you heard in the dream,” Justin coaxed and put his hand on Sasha’s chest. He hoped if he could hear even just a few bars of it, he would be able to isolate it. It would also force Sasha to focus on something and might help calm him down. He closed his eyes too and listened to the melody Sasha was humming, even if it was hesitant and self-conscious.
He squeezed Sasha’s hand and opened his eyes. “I think it might be Wherever You Will Go by The Calling. Only, you’ve slowed the tempo so it’s probably the acoustic cover. Here.” He took his phone out of his pocket and found the song on Apple Music and hit play for Sasha to listen. He handed him the phone and then bit his lip, watching his face for his reaction. “Sash, I’ve never sung this song. Not the original, not the acoustic. Do you think she wants me to sing this for you? You want me to sing at her memorial? I can if you want me to.”
All Sasha really wanted to do was crawl into bed and cry. He wouldn’t. He and Tori both ultimately wanted this memorial for Andi to be perfect, that didn’t mean it was easy to navigate. Case in point was when he proceeded to hug Justin’s phone to his chest and sit there crying. Justin let him, too. He sat there holding him, stroking his hair and didn’t push him to do or say anything else yet. There had been this little part of him that wanted Justin to say he had sung it somewhere, possibly recently, because it would strip the significance from the dream. Justin’s confirmation that he hadn’t weighed on Sasha because it was still so hard for him to think of Andi as ‘being there’, without being there. She was still gone. They still couldn’t talk or laugh together. “The lyrics. Fuck…” he mumbled tearily, wiping his eyes hastily with his fingers. “You should be resting. You’re not conditioned. You’re not supposed to work. Maybe she’s just… just… confirming she’s been with you through all this? Do you think she has?”
“This isn’t work, baby. I’m not going to be dancing on pianos or hanging off scaffolding like I do for the show. I can sing this. It’s acoustic. It’s more melody than power. I can do this for Andi.” Sometimes, Justin knew Sasha would ask him these things more to make sense of the tragic circumstances than to really need to know if Justin thought Andi watched over them or not. They talked about it a lot and he was glad they could. All he ever wanted was a relationship where talking was second-nature and not like it had to be deserved. It wasn’t a prize. It should be as natural as cuddles and kisses in a relationship and it was for them. Save for Justin’s worst days where he was either too manic to focus on a subject or too depressed to be able to form cohesive thought. Sash could still be trying to make sense of all this stuff for decades to come. You didn’t just get over the death of someone who was part of you and had literally been in your life for almost the full duration of it. “You know, I thought about this when I was in hospital after the operation. When Alec sat with me and I began to realise I was self-harming by not telling the staff how much pain I had in my stomach. Like, the worst of it happened when I was in a roomful of people, including you and Hunter, and I couldn’t hide it. And then… the night when I was on drugs. I have no fucking idea why I locked us all in and threw the keys out the window. I don’t even remember doing it. I’ve never told anyone to get me to hospital or I’ll kill myself either. I’ve asked for help when I’ve felt like hurting myself, but not like that. So… I do. I think we can’t explain it and maybe we’re not supposed to. Maybe that’s just how it works up there. But I just want you to know something, baby. I will never, ever take her place,” he promised, pointing at his phone Sasha was holding, referencing the opening line of the song.
“I know. I know…” Sasha put the phone on the bed so he could hug Justin, wrapping him up tightly enough to want to disappear into it but not to hurt him. “You would never. You have your own place and I know at the end, that’s what she wanted. I keep wondering what she must’ve been thinking when she came up with the idea to use her wish for me to meet you. If she had told me about it, I would’ve vehemently opposed because, well… you’re you and I’m me…” It was about as eloquent as he could get when he thought about how he and Justin came to be. That was his one regret, that he didn’t have more time with Andi to get to know Justin and to talk to her about him. She always told him she never wanted him to have any regrets once she was gone, no matter how it happened. She wanted him to have the memories, not the pain.
He braced himself with a shaky intake of breath and tried to blow the emotions away, even if there were some tears dripping down his cheeks. He wrapped his hand around Justin’s, holding on tightly, nodding. “She would. She would want you to sing, but not if you’re not up to it. I would want you to too. I never thanked you for what you did at her funeral. When I couldn’t sing and you just… just stepped right in. You knew the song, the lyrics, you didn’t even hesitate even if it was a room full of people who knew who you were and knew that just weeks before, you tried to drown yourself. You should’ve been recovering, not doing any of that stuff and back then, I didn’t know what recovery took for you. Or what it took for you to get to the point where you attempted suicide. I just knew you were this incredibly talented person who had overcome mental illness to do the amazing things you did. And looked frankly smoking shirtless with skinny jeans and High-Tops. Pretty sure I may have accidentally jerked off over you in the shower without realising it, but that’s a story for another day. What I’m saying is, you were special to her too. I don’t think she wants you to sing because I do. I think she just wants you to because you did something beautiful for her in her final days and I don’t think she’ll ever forget that, no matter how many new worlds she moves onto after this one. That’s all. That got way more wordy than I expected it to,” he added with a teary yet sheepish laugh.
Justin rubbed Sasha’s arm and gave him a kiss. “I made your spank bank before you were even gay? Relationship goals!” He tucked his forehead into Sasha’s temple and caressed little circles near his elbow with his thumb, just sitting there and holding him. “Let’s go outside with a blanket and find a tree to lie under for awhile. Just away from everything so you can calm down and remember how to breathe again. The memorial will be tough, baby, but we’ll make sure it’s everything she deserves and more. All these guys here, I know they would’ve loved her. They care about her as if they always did. Okay?”
He made sure to strategically guide Sasha to a quiet place on the property on the other side to the main thoroughfare so he didn’t see the people coming to set up the yard and pier for the memorial. They weren’t really sure what everyone else was up to, but everyone was self-sufficient and mostly doing their own thing anyway. They didn’t talk a lot, save for Sasha checking a couple of times if Justin really was up to singing and if the song was okay, and some doubt if Sasha even wanted to go through with the memorial. They fell asleep at some point without realising because the next thing Justin knew, Cas was shaking his knee gently to wake him up and asked him if Sasha still wanted to go ahead with it all.
Sasha was sandwiched into his side, fast asleep with his head on Justin’s shoulder, snoring softly. It was dusk and the sun was setting. The lake air really must be relaxing and intoxicating. Cas said she would get everyone rounded up to meet down on the pier and confirmed everything Justin (or more accurately, Ari) had arranged had been delivered and set up. Pizza was pre-ordered to be delivered later, all Andi’s favourite toppings of ham and pineapple. They had done a quick survey if that was okay and they discovered collectively that everyone but Fin liked pineapple on their pizza. Fin, of course, would forever be a pepperoni-only dude, especially when pineapple gave him hives.
Before they headed to the pier, Sasha had an extremely long bathroom trip that caused Justin to ask through the door if he was sick or unconscious in there. It was neither. Sasha just admitted he was trying to psych himself up for the memorial but he got there in the end. When Justin led him out onto the porch by his hand after the sun had set, Sasha’s breath was immediately taken away. The backyard was decorated with hundreds of fairy lights and garlands of flowers. The entire path was lined with purple lanterns and the pier was adorned with more fairy lights. His emotions wavered again and he rubbed his hand over the back of his hair with a choked disbelieving, “Are you fucking serious?” He caught his tongue between his lips and looked at Justin, tears blurring his vision. “You did all this?”
“Not just me. Come on, baby.” Justin took Sasha’s hand and led him down the path where piles of Polaroids of pictures of Andi and her family and friends were strung on between the branches of the trees. Amongst them hung handwritten notes on purple paper. When Justin heard they were going to have a private memorial for Andi, he contacted Andi’s mum directly and asked if there was any way she could arrange to have as many people from Andi’s life write a message to her on the notes. Once the memorial was over tonight, all the photos and notes would be mounted in two books, one for Andi’s family and one for Sasha. Lining the banks of the lake were enough glamping tents for every couple to be able to sleep out under the stars for the night and a self-contained campfire with large cushions so everyone could relax and remember Andi in the happy way Sasha was yearning for. It didn’t matter that there was a luxury house a stone’s throw away. This was special and it not only had to be different from every other night, but it had to be memorable too. And by perhaps another miracle, the weather was perfect and the sky was blanketed in stars that matched the fairy lights. Jesse and Jace were going to stick nearby up at the house and Ari and Trent had arrived earlier in the day to take over from Reecy and Kyan, who had to go back to New York for work.
Everyone else was already down on the pier and Amarlie was sharing sparklers around for everyone. Standing at the edge of the lake, Cassidy had her arms wrapped around Tori while he was crying so hard, his whole body was shaking with the sobs. Sasha didn’t hesitate to go over and as soon as Cas saw him, she relinquished the embrace and let Sasha take over. She kissed Tori’s head and rubbed Sasha’s back before stepping over to wait with Justin. Sasha was saying something to Tori as he hugged him, but Justin and Cas stepped up to the edge of the pier to give them privacy.
“You did amazing, sweetie. How did you get all this done when you were so laid up?” Cassidy asked, taking Justin’s hand and kissing his cheek.
Justin gave her a small smile and shook his head. “I’m a trust fund brat. I paid someone to do it,” he murmured. His eyes shifted back to Sasha and Tori. “I’m just joking. Sort of. I paid someone to do the leg work like setting up and delivering flowers. Everything else, Andi’s mum took over a lot of it and helped me pull the special stuff off. She came and visited me in hospital a few times. It was nice. We talked a lot. How’s Tori been? I wasn’t sure I’d get Sash here. He wanted to go home this morning and we would’ve been on the next plane back if he didn’t get through it.”
Cassidy caught her lip between her teeth and looked down at her feet. “Tori’s… we, um…” She felt herself blushing when she tripped over her words. Justin was nailing her with a look and she tucked her hair behind her ears. She lowered her voice to a whisper so no one else would hear. “It’s not what you think! It’s just… uh… on that path. I nursed him through his wicked hangover and concussion and we talked a lot through it. Then when he was feeling a little better, we talked about more personal things. Then really personal things. We experimented a little and I’ll totally tell you more later. I feel like this isn’t the right time or place.” She looked around furtively, but there was no rush for anything.
Justin was giving her a knowing smile now and he shook his head. “They need this time. We can’t start until they’re ready. Sooo… experimented? Now, I know it’s not public knowledge or anything, but I know Tori’s a virgin too, so how far did the experimenting get? Trust me, Andi totally wouldn’t mind if we distracted ourselves for a bit while we waited.” Sash and Tori were still hugging and they seemed to be having a quiet conversation too. He didn’t have to hear what was being said to know it would be a much-needed cathartic moment for them. Long overdue, too.
Cassidy shrugged and hid her face behind her hand. She turned her head into his and kept her voice low. “Handjob? Mutual masturbation? Got each other off? Jus, it works. My female body works and he wasn’t turned off by it! He was so sweet and gentle. I just… I can’t quite believe it’s happened. Let’s just say, I’m totally straight and totally not Ace. It felt so surreal but amazing. We just helped each other along and now I can see why people love sex so much.”
Justin looped his arm around her waist and kissed her cheek. “I’m proud of you, you know that? I know what a huge step it was to trust someone to be intimate with your body when you weren’t even sure you knew it well yourself. Don’t worry, I won’t tease you right now. Clearly I’m going to wait until we’re in a more private place and grill you,” he joked. He gave her a side-eyed glance with a smirk, giving her a little nudge with his shoulder. “So, things are getting serious, huh? It’s lucky he’s nice or I’d probably be obligated to threaten him or something. Which would be awkward, considering he’s my fiance’s brother from another mother and all that. We should go,” he murmured, taking her hand and squeezing it when she noticed Sash step back from the hug with Tori and they were giving each other brotherly pats on the back.
Justin went over to Sasha and took his hand, kissing his fingers. “Ready?” Sasha nodded but was too choked up to find words. Before they stepped onto the pier, Justin handed Sasha an arrangement of Andi’s favourite flowers in the shape of an A. Everyone else had wreaths of purple and white flowers, each with a little lit lantern in the centre that would floating on the lake in Andi’s memory. These were one of those times Justin was proud of himself for being gifted with the talent of song in the way he was. Much of his life might suck with the darkness and damage he lived with in his head, but his musical talents made up for it and he felt like that at least balanced something. What it meant was that he had an extremely powerful singing voice with a vocal range that wasn’t common. But if he had to be given some consolation prize for being dealt a shitty life hand, he was proud of this one.
So, he could sing the song Sasha had heard in his dream without needing a microphone. The expanse of the lake lined by trees actually helped the acoustics and he had a feeling what Sasha heard in his dream was the haunting way it made the keys linger and reflect off the lake’s surface. He knew when Sasha dissolved into tears with no way of staving it off that he was probably listening to what he heard in the dream and realising that no matter how much he hoped, Andi was there sitting on the edge of the pier dangling her legs over the edge like she was still alive and free.
Sasha couldn’t speak yet. He wanted to. But all the emotions were knotted up in sadness inside. But the sadness wasn’t a bad feeling. None of this was bad. It was incredible. He just thought they would be floating some lanterns on the water and saying some nice things. He had no words for how amazing Justin was or how amazing his friends were. And he was so overwhelmed by the enormity of it that he had to lean against the railing off the pier to try to catch his breath. It was so hard to be hearing the song he knew had been in his dream. All those times Andi used to joke that if she had a way to let him know she was okay and to check on him even after she was gone, she would make sure he knew it.
It was a beautiful memorial. Sasha did the best he could to hold it together relatively well right up until he saw Zeke break down in tears that he didn’t seem to have enough energy to achieve. He remembered then that Zeke didn’t get to Andi’s funeral like Tori because, being freshly in remission himself, he couldn’t face seeing the coffin, knowing Andi was in there, knowing cancer did it. He didn’t think twice about stepping up to Zeke and putting his arm around his waist and rubbing his back. As hard as this was for all of them, he knew they would be glad they were here and did it. The memories were more important than the pain and had the power to eclipse the pain in power.
Sasha helped Zeke sit down on the edge of the pier and then sat beside him. Tori sat down on Sasha’s other side. When Justin finished singing, it felt so quiet - maybe too quiet - and so still. There were tears and sniffling, the gentle ebb and flow of the water lapping against the pillars of the pier, and a slight breeze sweeping through the leaves of the trees. Maybe it was a metaphorical silence that made it feel more quiet than ever. He had the A-shaped wreath in his lap and he was running the petal of one of the flowers between his fingers, an anxious gesture he didn’t even realise he was doing. He closed his eyes and fought off the urge to get back up and back away. Only because that would be the easier option. He was starkly conscious that all his friends were there and Andi’s absence was so distinct in that moment. In his dream, she had been sitting right there in the spot he was. And then he remembered something from years ago, and shifted his hip a little to see both Andi’s and his initials etched in the weathered plank of the pier.
Closing his eyes, he mapped his fingertip over the letters. “There’s this quote on the internet that says, ‘Grief, I’ve learned, is really just love. It’s all the love you want to give, but cannot. All that unspent love gathers up in the corners of your eyes, the lump in your throat, and in that hollow part of your chest. Grief is just love with no place to go.’ There comes a point where words can’t even touch how you’re feeling inside. They all just feel like noise. It’s never enough to feel that empty place. So, you start getting used to feeling the empty place and after awhile, it doesn’t feel like a bad thing. It feels like the piece inside stays reserved for the person who always filled it, just in different ways. In memories. In photos. In songs that remind you of moments. Andi, she… never wanted her death to be about death. Sounds easier said than done, I know. There’s nothing that feels worse than death or near death, no matter what is the cause. Because death means trying to keep going without something you know belongs with you. It also means understanding that some of the amazing things that happen to you after the death might not have happened without it. And that’s a pretty special thing. It’s like they had to go to be able to give you the gift of what was to come.”
Trying to blink away tears that were blurring his vision, Sasha wet his lips before he continued and took some shaky breaths. “That’s all Andi wanted. Not just for me, but for everyone she loved. And I know she had to have spent so much time thinking about how life would look for everyone once she was gone. Hoping we would all be okay and taken care of. That we remembered how to be happy. How to laugh, to sing, and dance, and maybe throw caution to the wind and test drive love. And I say tonight, we all do that. It’s what she would want and shit knows, I’d be near the top of her list of people who need to do more of that. I’m pretty sure she didn’t navigate me into the path of one of the hottest young performers of the century for no reason,” he added with a teary laugh, wiping his cheeks. “I love you, Ands. I always will. Tonight’s a thank you, for reminding us all that it’s okay to smile through the tears and dance through the storms. We’re all eventually going to end up in the same place day anyway.” He leaned over and gently let the wreath drop to the water where it started to drift away from the pier, the reflection of the tiny light in the lamp following it.
LOG, COMPLETE