William Benjamin Jackson (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
musthavebeenlove) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
dreamlikenewyork2017-11-05 02:43 pm
musthavebeenlove) wrote in dreamlikenewyork2017-11-05 02:43 pm
"Though it's hurting me, now it's history."
Who: Will Jackson and Justin Campbell with Sasha Stanford
What: Work-in-Progress
Where: Casa de Campbell, NYC
When: After this
Will was nervous, but as soon as he saw that Justin Liked his post on Facebook, he somehow knew it was a turning point. Even if he and Justin had a complete emotional detachment after their breakup, he still knew that music spoke to Justin in ways no one could truly understand. It wasn’t up to anyone to understand it either. Justin’s brain had this amazing way of compartmentalising music into a safely locked box in his soul, away from the damaging force of his mental illness. He didn’t even understand it himself, but even on his worst days, Justin’s musical talent still shone through. He could play songs from the top of his head and his repertoire of lyrics was unbelievable. He could sing and play countless songs just from memory, and he learned to play songs by listening to them or watching them being performed rather than reading the music. He could read and write music, of course. He could also train people how to sing properly, but he couldn’t explain how he could do it. He never been able to, he always just said he could from a young age and couldn’t remember actually learning.
Justin’s dad believed it was dissociation. When Justin’s brain got so exhausted and drained of fighting itself, it needed a timeout. It could shut down, black things out. He might seem like he’s in a daze, other times he might do things on autopilot, not remembering he did them a few minutes before. He had large gaps of time in his past where he remembered nothing, yet still, it didn’t black out the worst of the worst. After their breakup, Will lay awake many nights thinking about Justin, wondering if he had dissociated any part of their relationship, blocked out all the bad bits. It wasn’t until he got back to New York and spoke to Justin that he realised Justin hadn’t blocked out any of it. He remembered every ounce of pain Will’s action - or non actions - had caused him.
Coming back to New York had been a shock to Will’s system. He thought he was ready. Only part of him was. The other part battled his own conscience and insecurities. It was difficult for him seeing Justin with Sasha, knowing Sasha was a good guy. Sasha being the one there caring for Justin when Will still felt it should be him. If he hadn’t been a dumbfuck and thrown it all away. He had been dwelling on it. Not sure where he fit, feeling like an outsider to their whole squad, who were close and tight. They adored each other and Will felt like an intruder. It was his own demons staring down the barrel at him and he knew this was how Justin felt over and over all the time with his mental illness. He had been trying to keep his distance so he didn’t make it awkward and uncomfortable for anyone, least of all Justin. Yet, inside, there was still an urge to talk to Justin and shoot for that acceptance and closure he needed. Blaize had been amazing. He didn’t hold any judgement against Will whatsoever. No one really did. It was Will judging himself, assuming Justin was too, from a distance. What felt like a gaping far distance. Justin was almost unattainable to him. So it felt, but it wasn’t true. And that one little Facebook Like, Will realised that he was probably his own worst enemy.
Even more, when he got to the building where Justin lived, he discovered his name was on the security safe list. The list of people who didn’t need a prior call-through from the Concierge to get permission to be let through the security doors to the elevators up to the apartments in the block. He had been removed after their breakup. Justin hadn’t wanted anything to do with him then. Now he was up there, pressing the doorbell to the apartment, trying to urge his stomach to stop flip-flopping with nerves and making him feel sick. He was hoping Blaize answered, or Justin himself. No such luck. A few moments later, it was Sasha answering the door and the look on his face said it all. He was shocked to see Will there and even took a step back in surprise. He was so hot, damnit. The curly blonde hair, the build that Will knew was Justin’s ‘type’, and a kind face. He felt intimidated in Sasha’s presence, like he had no business being in breathing distance of him. “Um… hey, mate. S-Sorry. I was just wondering if I could maybe… talk to Justin?”
Sasha still had his hand on the door handle. Will was the last person he expected to see at the door, it was true. He was expecting one of Justin’s uncles, or even Ali and Sunshine, possibly Justin’s doctors to do a follow-up with him. He wasn’t quite sure what to do with the discovery that it was Will, but he was okay with it. He had no ill-will - pardon the pun - against the guy. He had bigger fish to fry than letting emotional energy hold grudges. Justin had reassured him right from the get-go of Will’s return that he had nothing to be threatened or worried by and Sasha knew Justin wasn’t just paying him lipservice. Justin never did that to anyone, because he hated having it done to himself. There were only a couple of passing awkward moments where Sasha didn’t mean to stare in surprise. Then his tired brain kicked into Will’s question. “Um…” He looked over his shoulder into the apartment, wetting his lips. “I don’t… um… sorry. It’s not you. I don’t want you to think that. I’m not trying to cockblock you talking to him. He was sleeping last I checked on him, that’s all. I’m not sure if he’s awake.”
“Oh. Shit. Sorry. You don’t need to bother him or anything, it’s not that important.” It was important, but it wasn’t anything Will knew could wait until Justin was up to facing it. Which might be never. He was already letting his brain talk him out of this. He was relieved Sasha clarified his hesitation, because the first thing Will thought seeing it was that Sasha didn’t want him talking to Justin. Again, more proof Sasha was a good guy. The type of person Justin needed to take care of him. “Has he been okay after what happened at the party? It’s just… he and I haven’t spoken since those first couple of conversations when I came back. I thought he changed his mind and having me around was too much. Maybe he was avoiding me. Then, I didn’t feel like I could stick my nose into his business.”
“No, it’s not that,” Sasha said with a light laugh, shaking his head. “His overthinking everything has rubbed off on you, sounds like. I’m pretty sure he’s proud you had the balls to come back. He’s said as much, just not in so many words. But he’s sick, dude. He’s having a manic episode. Dysphoric Mania. The one where he’s up and down all over the place. And he… there was an attempt. An overdose with alcohol. I’ll see if he’s awake, though. He might be okay for a chat, I won’t make the call for him. But if he’s not, don’t get all paranoid that it’s you. It’s not. It’s everyone and everything at the moment. I know he’ll talk to you when he can. We just all need to wait for him to call the shots on it, you know?”
Will’s face was filled with concern as he listened to Sasha explaining. That sick feeling of horror twisted in his gut because no matter what happened, he still cared for Justin. Still loved him. Still never wanted to hear he had succeeded in taking his own life. That same icy shock apparently didn’t get easier to hear. And he was watching. Watching Sasha’s face as he said this, noticing now he looked closure that Sasha was a little pale and had dark circles under his eyes that were a bit bloodshot. Will knew how it felt to try to keep your head above water when the person you loved more than life itself wanted to kill themselves. You didn’t get better at it each time it happened. You didn’t fear less you might be at his funeral at any moment. He did something then he would normally have talked himself out of as stupid. He put his hand on Sasha’s arm, giving it a small squeeze. It was understanding, empathy. It hurt, but he knew Justin was worth the pain, just like Sasha would know. “I’m sorry. It’s terrifying, I know. You don’t have to disturb him. I can come back another time.”
Sasha glanced at Will’s hand, biting down on his lip. The last few days had taken their toll. The night before was awful. It was proof that no matter how much safeguards you built up around Justin, it wasn’t foolproof. The arrangement with Ari always had been that he drop Justin off at the apartment block, watch to make sure he got inside safely where the Concierge was and the security doors closed behind him. No one anticipated Justin turning back. You couldn’t lock him up and keep him from living, even if when it was happening, you entertained the idea because you were so fucking scared. “Let me just check, okay? He’d want to know you came anyway. Come in, I won’t be long.”
Will stood there, looking around the living room where he and Justin had once had many cuddle sessions watching movies, talking. The decor had changed, more modernised and Justin’s grand piano was gone. Wow. Where had it gone? His Aussie grandparents had bought that for him as soon as Justin revealed how naturally musically inclined he was. Will still remembered that night. Justin had sat with his dad at the piano at Luke’s bar and without even missing a beat, played and sung the whole of Piano Man. No one could quite believe that the broken and damaged kid from Chicago had just done that, least of all Mark. This was before Justin and Will were even dating and it still gave Will a massive boner. He wanked over Justin quite a few times before he had the balls to try anything on with him. That was before Justin’s horrific past came out, but Will couldn’t remember if it was before Justin’s bipolar diagnosis. All he remembered about that was that he didn’t understand it, or know what it was. He had to learn a hell of a lot, and yet, it still hadn’t been enough. He never would have expected Justin’s piano to ever be removed because he played it regardless of what his mood was and when he wrote songs, he always usually sat at it.
“He’s awake. He said you can come through.”
Will whipped around and found Sasha standing in the door and gesturing him through. He nodded, the nerves kicking in again. They were walking into the attached apartment, he realised. Mark and Gen bought this for Justin for his birthday, to give him a way to have some independence when it was inevitable he couldn’t really move out. He needed to be cared for, but he was still growing up. It was going to be so cool. It was surreal for Will to see it all renovated and decorated into a teenagers retreat. He didn’t know where all the doors lead to, he could only remember the layout from when it was first bought. It was all different now. More open, walls knocked now, more doors than he could remember. Sasha led him into what used to be the kitchen, and now it was this massive open-planned room with polished floors. A rumpus room, games room… or something. A music room? Justin’s piano was the first thing he saw, pride and place in the corner by the large window. One of those big massive wall windows that Justin would sometimes stand right up against without issue, looking down to the ground but made Will a little nauseous if he did it. There was also a small stage, musical instruments including keyboards, a drum kit, guitars. A pool table, a sofa with a Playstation set up, bean bags. It was quite possibly the most epic room Will had ever been in. Better even than Tom Hanks’ apartment in the movie Big. And there, by the modular sofa that wrapped around two walls, was Justin lying in the middle of one of those giant pillow Lovesac things wrapped in a fluffy blanket, Dory curled up near his elbow.
Justin wasn’t sure could actually get up without help. The Lovesac, a present from Amarlie when Justin got out of hospital, was hugged around him and pretty much heaven. He had come home from the bridal boutique with his mum in a sweaty, snotty, overheated, headachy, teary mess. Sasha brought him through here where it was quiet with the lights all dimmed down where he had been reading a book with Dory. Justin crashed out and he had been dozing on and off since. It was the timeout he needed, but he was surprised too to hear Will was at the door and asking to talk to him. As emotional and shaken up he had been over the last few days, he was okay with talking to Will. Sasha was right, he didn’t have a problem with it. He didn’t really have the strength or energy to have a problem with it. He didn’t want it awkward and weird. It was a battle he chose not to pick. It took a lot of strength to make the decision and put it in action, though. He needed the time to process Will’s return, but when he had let himself pause and think about, he realised it wasn’t upsetting him really. It was confusing, but not in a bad way.
He tried to shuffle forward in the Lovesac, but it had him well and truly cocooned. Sasha was smirking at him, but didn’t let him suffer too long before he was offering his hands to pull him up. “Thanks, baby,” Justin murmured a soft thanks to his boyfriend and gave him a kiss now he was released from the butt-hugging nest.
Sasha picked up a bottle of blue Gatorade with a straw in it from nearby and handed it to Justin. “Drink. I’ll take Dory for a walk. You need anything from the store? Gummi Bears?” he asked, combing Justin’s messy hair down with his fingers. “Nana cooked you chicken noodle soup if you’re feeling up to food yet. Extra noodles.”
“Maybe for dinner? Gummi Bears. Yes. Ali and Sunshine are coming over later too. Sunshine’s picked some flower girl dresses for Dory to try on. It’s Serious Business.” Although Dory had her own pet passport and was fully cleared to fly in the cabin with Justin on flights because she was a service dog, this time, they were flying on the FABULOUS private jet to get to the wedding. Justin wasn’t quite sure how he felt about that because the smaller plane seemed to make him feel more sick, but hopefully with enough Valium, he would sleep through most of it.
Sasha laughed, shaking his head. “Right. Priorities. But if she wants to start painting her nails again, I’m out of there. That’s girls’ business.” He gave Justin another kiss. “Love you. Bye.”
Even if he felt a little like a third wheel, Will ended up smirking in amusement at the exchange about Dory. It was a welcome distraction from the affection and kisses shared by Justin and Sasha. He wasn’t sure he would ever get used to seeing Justin kiss another person that wasn’t acting on stage. Then he was alone with Justin, Sasha now gone with Dory trotting after him and the door closed behind them. Justin was sitting on the edge of the Lovesac looking tired and seedy. Will had to remember he had an overdose so he was probably feeling shit. For a few moments, they both just sort of eyed each other uncertainly and Will wasn’t sure if Justin was waiting for him to speak first. He couldn’t read Justin like he used to be able to.
Justin got up, but his legs felt like jelly. He always had pain through his body after his breakdowns. Psychosomatic shit. It was lucky he didn’t faceplant the giant rug, but once he teetered for a bit, he righted himself and went to sit over at the piano. “We know each other too well to be awkward, you know. You’ve seen me do all those gross awkward thing. You’ve seen parts of me only you and one other person in this whole world have seen. Sometimes you just need to Let It Go.” He started to play the piano intro of the Frozen theme song that he knew by heart being Sunshine’s big brother, smirking at Will as he did so. Then he broke into singing the chorus of the parody version, Fuck It All.
Will realised he was standing there awkwardly, being about as useful as a fart in a spacesuit. He glanced around for the nearest place to sit, picking the end seat of the modular sofa, which was close enough to still be in talking distance of Justin. “And people think Footloose is your theme song,” he murmured. He linked his fingers together in front of him, wringing his hands. Then that felt awkward too, so he unclasped them and rested them on his thighs. “Um… Sasha told me you were sick. That you attempted. And it’s weird, I feel like I’m invading your privacy.”
“No. You’re not. It’s… the squad knows. A lot of them were there when it happened. Shit happens…” Justin wasn’t looking at Will. His eyes were on the keys of the piano, and he started to play The Winner Takes It All, what Will had posted on Facebook the night before, and started to sing, meeting Will’s gaze as he did.
Somehow, the lyrics felt different hearing Justin sing them. More significant, maybe. More of a reality check. Justin’s singing voice had always been versatile, and sometimes it could sound haunting like this. Or maybe that was just because sometimes, he put emotion behind the words that had messages, that he wanted to convey meaning in. Will knew he could never fully analyse it. He never thought Justin would sing directly to him again. Not that he was, really. More just driving home a point. Or something. Regardless, it was a distraction. Justin’s fingers moved over the keys effortlessly and Will knew that the time had come for him and Justin to move on, in another direction, not as two parts of one whole. Justin’s was someone else’s other half now and even if he wanted to completely take the high road, a sadness settled over Will, one of lost good times and reminiscence for what used to be. Hell, you should never have to feel that shit when you were only a teenager, but he knew when he and Justin had been good, they had been incredible. Which meant when it went wrong, it was awful.
When the song ended, a quiet fell over the music room and Justin took some time to collect his thoughts. His tongue swept over his lips and then he was biting his lower one. “You feel like a loser in all this?” he finally asked softly. “We’ve got too much history for it to be that black and white. You just need to learn to feel different things now. You can’t do that if you’re avoiding me. But it’s okay, I get it. I really do. I don’t even blame you for wanting to. Changing how you think and feel about something is probably one of the hardest things humans have to deal with. I’m sorry it can’t be easier. I know that it’s got to be hard for you seeing me with Sasha. You’ll find where you’re supposed to be again, even if it doesn’t feel like it.”
“Justin… you just tried to take your own life again. Why are you doing this with me? You didn’t have to agree to see me. You should be resting. You should be… I don’t know, having alone time with your boyfriend. All my insecure shit can wait. It’s bullshit in comparison to what you’re dealing with. I want to talk to you and try to figure out how all this is supposed to look now, but it doesn’t have to be today. I don’t know what happened, Sasha didn’t elaborate. He just said an overdose. I’m not going to sit here and think I should be includ--” Will was cut off when Justin suddenly put his hand over his mouth.
“You’re my friend. You’re entitled to be included,” Justin told him quietly. He kept his hand over Will’s mouth for a few more moments, waiting to make sure he didn’t stumble back into the verbal diarrhoea path again. “Can we take this one step at a time, please? My brain isn’t working properly and I’m hungover. Why did you come here today? Why did you post that song?” He took his hand away, satisfied that he at least guided Will onto a path he could cope with.
Will bit his lip. “Do you want to go lie back on your giant hairy testicle nest first?”
“What?!” Justin cried with a bark of a laugh. “I’m never going to be able to look at it the same way now. Cheers for that. I just need to keep drinking or I’ll have folk lining up to string me up by my giant hairy testicle.” He got up, pulling his pyjama pants up as he did and collected the Gatorade to take a few sips. He hiccuped when he was swallowing it because his stomach and throat were irritated from not just the overdose, but having his dad stick his fingers down his throat to get him to puke all the pills up. Not to mention the charcoal, which was vile and tasted as bad as it looked. He would never understand why all that awful stuff didn’t deter his brain from harming himself. “You don’t mind if I lie down again?”
“You’re sick. Lie down,” Will insisted with a shake of his head. He didn’t know if he should offer Justin help to lie down, but he managed himself. Mostly. It was a stiff crawl onto the giant beanbag where he flopped back into the hole he had vacated and dragged the blanket back over him. He looked tiny curled up in it. Same way as he always looked so small when he had been in a hospital bed. A reminder of his fragility, no matter how much of a survivor he was. “I came to talk to you today because I’ve been avoiding it. I’ve been feeling like a complete intruder with no place for me to come back. Like I was invading your privacy being back. I’m not saying any of this is rational and hearing myself say it out loud makes it sounds like a shitstorm. Coming back, I’ve realised that you’re… you’re the same, but you’re also different. You’re different because of Sasha and the differences are all for the better. You trust him to catch you when you fall. Something you stopped trusting in me ages ago. I’m here because I do want to be your friend, but I don’t know how to be because you’ve moved on so far without me. That’s why the song. I know you’ve won a lot of things in your life without me, and I know that me trying to talk about the shit that hurt you isn’t a good thing for you. But I don’t know how to figure any of it out without it. Am I even making sense? See? This is why we shouldn’t be doing this today.”
Justin wet his lips, dry from being dehydrated, the exact reason Sasha was shoving Gatorade into him at every turn. “Will, I haven’t ‘moved on’. I’ve just moved in another direction. I haven’t changed in as many ways as it probably seems. The only thing that’s really changed is I have a new constant in my life, and he’s different to you. I don’t compare, and I would never want to. You’re not him, he’s not you. Listen, I…” He stopped, closing his eyes and rubbing at his forehead. “I’m working on issues around that. I won’t lie to you. I have a fear inside that I’ll lose Sash like I lost you. That he’ll get to a point where he can’t cope anymore like you did. I have days where I can’t understand why he wants me. But none of that is your fault, or his fault. It’s my mental illness. It’s bipolar, it’s PTSD, it’s the fucking damaged parts of my brain cockblocking me. No matter what happens, or when, or how, or why, that isn’t going away. If you’re here, you’ll see me interacting with Sasha in different ways to how I did with you, because it is different now. He comes into my life with a whole different set of experiences to you and that’s why it’s different. I’m sorry if that makes you feel insecure or inadequate. You shouldn’t. Sasha’s survived having people he loves seriously sick twice in his life. One alive, one passed away, and then there’s me, teetering somewhere in between the two. I… I need him. I really believe there’s a reason I met him when I did and that maybe there’s a reason we ended when we did too. Because my future is so fucking uncertain, and I’d never want you shackled by any of this if you couldn’t cope with it and it was affecting your ability to enjoy life. And I think it was. I think I got too sick and you stopped being able to care for me. I don’t blame you for that, Will. I wish it could’ve been different and I got better so it would be better for you, but that was never possible. Nice to think about, but impossible. We needed the reality check, even if it was one of the hardest fucking things to deal with. You’re not less of a good person than Sash because you weren’t equipped and he is. It’s not even close to that.”
As Justin spoke, Will began to understand that all this was what he needed to hear. He needed to hear it in Justin’s words, from Justin’s heart, to be able to see the whole thing through his eyes. He spent months on end assuming Justin hated him for how much he hurt him and that he set out to purposefully replace him with someone so much better. A better person, a better carer, a better friend, a better lover, a better human. Without even knowing him, he put Sasha up on this massively high pedestal and assumed it was exactly what Justin wanted. No more stupid boyfriend who didn’t give a fuck. But none of it was like that. It wasn’t a matter of ‘better’, it was just different. “He’s a really nice guy, Jus. He’s been friendly at school and invited me to sit with him when I was sitting on my own. I wished I had reasons to hate him because that would’ve made everything so much easier, but there’s nothing. I see him, and he’s perfect for you. He’s sweet and considerate. He does kind things for people and helps them. He makes people laugh and, like, he has a pile of girls at school who want to be his fag hag,” he said with a bit of a laugh. He could see the humour, but it was still an emotional conversation to be facing. “I guess all that just made me feel worse about myself than I already was. Which isn’t his fault. It’s mine. I think I’ve been, like, grieving losing you all over again. And, um… dealing with the fact I still had feelings for you. Which I didn’t want to tell you to confuse shit. But it’s there and I’m working through it. I’m actually really glad someone as kind and gentle as Sasha is taking care of you. One day I hope I can find someone who matches me as well as he does you. I promise, I’m not just saying that to you. I mean it more than anything else. That’s what I needed to tell you. Instead of more secrets and awkward and avoidance, to just be honest with you so that maybe we really do have a stab at being friends. I’m never not going to love you, for being the amazing person you are, even if you don’t see it. And teaching me what’s important in life and what isn’t.”
Justin offered Will a small smile from where he was curled up in the bean bag, blanket pulled up to his chin. “Telling me that doesn’t freak me out. I guess it actually shows me that you did still love me back then and didn’t stop because I was sick and ruining your life. Communication stopped being our strongest point ages ago, so I’m glad you’ve figured out how to talk to me again. I can’t fill in the blanks on my own, Will. You know what happens then. The blanks get filled with all sort of fucked up shit my brain creates and it turns into a big shirtstorm where people get hurt and I forget how to keep living. Just… messy shit. My brain shouldn’t be left alone with anything, it self-destructs. You’ll find someone who fits you. It just might take time for you to figure out what that it, but if I can manage it, you can. Then again, I’m pretty sure mine was divine intervention or something because it wouldn’t have happened if I was left to my own devices. All that happened with Sash and me, dude, was a really sick girl wanted her best friend to be left with someone who understood pain, because she didn’t want him to be alone. Because she knew she didn’t have as long left as everyone thought. She wrote in a letter to him that the doctors told her she would be lucky to get a few more weeks, but she wasn’t able to face telling him. And I think she knew that after the whole Bondi thing that maybe I needed someone as beautiful as Sash to help me too. It was nothing like dating or love or getting revenge on you for hurting me. I was grieving too. Losing you, losing my parents as a unit, losing my mom, losing a part of me that I destroyed walking into the rip at the beach. He was there for me when it felt like no one else was, because I was feeling like everyone who came into my life was destroyed because of all my shit. Then there was this new friend I had whose whole world crashed down around him and I… I could be something for him. I could comfort him and help him feel less alone. That’s how all this started. We never meant to fall in love. It just happened. I know the media played it all up like some epic fairy tale. It wasn’t. Sasha went through hell after Andi’s death, and he’s still grieving. He still has days where it catches him off guard and hits him all over again. Then in amongst all that, he still somehow wanted me and had to learn how to care for me. You get cancer, Will. You know the horrific pain. Maybe we can all offer each other something in friendship. Granted, a pretty unconventional and fucked up foundation, but it’s not like we aren’t well-versed in fucked up shit.”
It had been easy for Will to push aside the factor of Sasha’s best friend dying of cancer. Other things had distracted him and maybe it was just too much for him to think on. Because he did know cancer. First hand. Sure, he had survived it and he had been in remission for years now, but it was really fucking hard hearing about someone his own age dying from it. “You know, I did think about Andi but only briefly. I thought I was deluded about it, didn’t want to face up to the reality that someone our age died of cancer. Someone people I love knew. It wasn’t that. It was just that I felt like I was invading Sasha’s privacy for thinking I had an entitlement to empathise with his grief or something. Cancer can be an objective or subjective thing. I didn’t want to go up to him and be all ‘Hey, I had cancer, I know what it’s like to nearly die, let’s hug and wear pink ribbons for life’. Because I didn’t know him. I’ve never lost anyone I love. I came close with you and that was the worst pain in the world. I couldn’t know how he was feeling and I thought that maybe even having me around would be a bad reminder. Like, I was the cunt who punched him in a fit of jealousy because he had my ex and I didn’t, who was I to act like I got what he was feeling?”
“I don’t think grief works like that, mate,” Justin told him with a little frown. He found himself choking up a little, because Sasha’s grief was still fresh. Justin had been at Andi’s funeral and then recently gone to the cemetery with Sasha to visit her. And everything in between. He had seen the look of crushing pain on Sasha’s face when the grief hits him again out of nowhere. “I think any empathy for your pain is a beautiful thing and makes you feel a tiny bit less alone. Besides, he has Zeke here. Zeke survived cancer too. I think you’d get along really well with Zeke, he’s hilarious. But he’s not totally out of the woods yet either. He’s in remission, but early days. Having him around doesn’t bring Sash pain. Quite the opposite. He loves that not everyone has the same fate as Andi. That’s why we were in Paris recently. I walked in Rian’s fashion show that was dedicated to people who fought cancer. Paris himself was supposed to walk, but he’s still pretty sick. He couldn’t do. That’s why we’re taking the private jet to Australia because he can’t get medical clearance to be in airports or on planes when his immunity is so low. But I walked that day for Paris, and for Andi, and for my grandma, and for Billy, and for Zeke, and for you. I don’t want you to think for once that you’re invading his privacy on any level. He is a very private person, I won’t deny that. But he knows there’s nothing private about cancer. You might not know what he’s been through, but he knows what you’ve been through. He’s… really just a beautiful person. One of those that makes the world a better place.”
Will drew in a shaky breath because he knew he was getting emotional himself. About the fact he was having a sweet and meaningful conversation with Justin that wasn’t fraught with piles of unresolved emotions that never had closure. About the fact they were talking about cancer. About the fact Justin was pointing out Sasha understood the things Will had gone through in the past. Justin could’ve responded badly to Will trying to talk to him about these difficult things, he could’ve arced up and told him to get the fuck away from his boyfriend because he was a selfish piece of shit. That wasn’t Justin, and Will was reminded of that again now. Justin could arc up when his moods were unbalanced but it always had triggers. It didn’t seem like Will was a trigger anymore. Not even close. “And he makes you happy… when you said you didn’t think you were able to be happy anymore. I remember that conversation as if it happened yesterday. I remember the look in your eyes, because it was the final nail in the coffin of our relationship.”
Justin nodded and was toying with the pendant around his neck on a leather necklace. It was rose quartz, a crystal that had properties such as being able to heal on emotional levels, helping inner childhood karma, emotional traumas, opening you up emotionally to love.It symbolized love and harmony. Even if they both knew a rock couldn’t heal Justin, Sasha told him that any good energy might help. Besides, it was a gorgeous pendant in the shape of a heart. “He does. But not all the time. Only on the days I’m capable. He knows that’s not every day. And sometimes, for really long stretches, weeks at a time. But he’s just there, and he he keeps reminding me that he loves me and that he’s there for me. He reminds me a lot that I’m not alone. Until I get back to a place I can believe it again, and then he’ll show me again what happy feels like. I guess I just need to keep being reminded and probably will for the rest of my life. Don’t think for a minute that he’s a miracle worker who has come in and bypassed the bipolar and waved a magic wand to fix all the shit like some wizard. He’s not Dumbledore. All that will do will make you keep feeling like an inadequate failure and you’ll keep on hating on yourself for the fact our relationship didn’t survive. Trust me, you don’t want to get stuck in that vicious cycle or you’ll miss good things right in front of you. That’s not how it is, mate. I still have just as many bad and horrible days dating Sash as I did when I dated you. I just don’t think you and I were able to be end game. Maybe the reason it ultimately had to end was because we’re better with other people than with each other. But maybe we can be really fucking awesome as friends. Just, you know, don’t punch my boyfriend or I’ll speed dial Clint like whoa.”
Will couldn’t not laugh at that. He sat back, holding his hands up in surrender. “Dude, I’m never drinking booze again. I’m not even just saying that, it was horrible. So I know how you feel having a hangover. And I know the fact you have one means your shit hit the fan again badly because you usually do so well steering clear of it with your dad’s help, so your episode was fucking with your head. I promise, I haven’t forgotten anything about your illness or what it does to you.” He paused, chewing the inner corner of his lip and then gave Justin a soft smile. “Thank you, Jus. For talking about all of this with me, and helping me understand. Thank you for not hating me and for giving me a second chance to be in your life. Thank you for telling me how it really is, because I’ve been spending weeks trying to fill in the gaps myself and really basically just fucking it all up and getting it wrong. And, um… well, there’s maybe someone I’d like to ask out for a burger or something, and I was talking myself out of it because I mostly thought I was terrible boyfriend material, and partly because I’m scared I’ll never feel about anyone how I felt for you. You’re a pretty tough act to follow.”
Justin smirked and blinked tiredly, curling the blankets in tighter around him. “Oh yeah, my trying to jump off high ledges and having uncontrollable crying fits is something the poor guy needs to live up to. Seriously, I spent about three quarters of an appointment at the bridal boutique with mom today getting her final dress fitting bawling my eyes out. You’ll feel better now you know the reality of it all. I don’t want you to think you have to avoid me or any of our friends because of what happened in our past. And you’re wrong about one thing. I do still trust you. I just no longer need to trust you to be the one to hold me up when I can’t do it myself. I still think you’re an incredible person. But talk to me if you need to. Don’t try to work it all out in your own head. I can’t even work out what’s going on in my head, how can I expect anyone else to?” His eyebrows crept up at the last bit. “Oh, yeah? Anyone I know? You will feel for someone like that again. But it’ll be different. Amazing, but different.”
“You’re having a really tough time with this episode, huh? I arrived at the Halloween party the other night and saw what happened. It freaked everyone out because you’d been sick and hospital recently. It’s a bad one? Wait, that’s a really dumb question. Of course it’s bad if you’ve attempted…” People could look at Justin and never be able to imagine him doing something like attempting to take his own life. It was unfathomable to picture someone doing that. Even if there was video of him being resuscitated on a beach, that wasn’t the same. That looked the same as any other lifesaving rescue all over the world. Justin in the direct wake of a suicide attempt was an horrific thing to witness. Will had seen it multiple times. It was still fresh in his head how Justin looked being rushed passed him to surgery on a hospital gurney, looking like a corpse. That never got easier, and he hoped Sasha was dealing okay at the moment. He seemed to be, but at the same time, Will knew that a lot of what he was feeling wouldn’t be on show. He would be trying to stay strong for Justin. That’s what you did when you loved someone. Or should do. Will never wanted to stop being that ever again. “It’s… well, it’s Blaize. He and I have talked a lot. He’s easy to talk to and there’s no judgement. He knows all about what I did and still doesn’t judge me. He’s kind of like Yoda with a wicked sense of humour. Pretty sure he’s way out of my league, though.”
Justin lowered his gaze and when he blinked, he let his stingy eyes stay shut for a bit longer. “It’s… there’s a lot of things that keep playing on my mind that are really hard to process with the whole manic thing going on. Everything feels a billion times more loud, fast, exhausting around me. I want to be able to stop and breathe. Everything’s so fucking overwhelming and I don’t really understand it. I-I didn’t… I… wanted my brain to stop. That’s all. As soon as I did it, I panicked like fuck. I’ll be okay. Just need people to keep intervening and getting me to slow down. Blaize isn’t out of anyone’s league, mate. He’s just the sort of person who sees all the facets of the world around him rather than blinkered or in black and white. If you want to hang with him, you’ve got to ask. You won’t get anywhere with him if you can’t connect with him. That’s just how he functions. You should ask Luke about coming to my mom and dad’s wedding. We’re all going. It’ll be great fun.”
“You look exhausted. I’m going to go so you can rest, okay?” Will was standing when Justin had continued and his mouth dropped open a little in surprise. “You… would want me to come to your mom and dad’s wedding? Seriously? I just thought that was a family that.”
Justin couldn’t deny he was exhausted. His head was starting to ache again trying to keep his eyes open. He really did just want pull the covers over his head and go back to sleep. “It’s not just family. It’s everyone. They’ve hired out the whole resort for everyone to stay at. Ask Luke. It’ll be fun. You can get to know Blaize some more,” he added, giving Will a drowsy smirk. “Sorry, I feel like I’ve been hit by a bus, my energy’s totally zapped. I’m not trying to get rid of you or anything.”
“I know, mate. Far from it. You’re sick, I understand. You’ve already helped me plenty. You didn’t need to talk to me feeling like that, but you did. It all sounds so epic, I’d love it. But only if you’d be okay with me being there,” Will murmured as he stood smiling down at Justin. “Rest, okay? Pretty sure you must be feeling as shitty as you look. And I’ll work on not repeatedly talking myself out of asking Blaize out for a coffee.”
Justin’s hand snaked out from under the blanket to give Will a thumb’s up. “Cheers, mate. Epic compliment,” he joked but was already snuggling in beneath the covers. His head was aching and throbbing with tiredness. Still, he felt like he and Will had made ground here in getting back to a place they were both comfortable with. “Don’t talk yourself out of it. It’ll be fine. Life’s too short. Way too short.”
LOG, COMPLETE
What: Work-in-Progress
Where: Casa de Campbell, NYC
When: After this
Will was nervous, but as soon as he saw that Justin Liked his post on Facebook, he somehow knew it was a turning point. Even if he and Justin had a complete emotional detachment after their breakup, he still knew that music spoke to Justin in ways no one could truly understand. It wasn’t up to anyone to understand it either. Justin’s brain had this amazing way of compartmentalising music into a safely locked box in his soul, away from the damaging force of his mental illness. He didn’t even understand it himself, but even on his worst days, Justin’s musical talent still shone through. He could play songs from the top of his head and his repertoire of lyrics was unbelievable. He could sing and play countless songs just from memory, and he learned to play songs by listening to them or watching them being performed rather than reading the music. He could read and write music, of course. He could also train people how to sing properly, but he couldn’t explain how he could do it. He never been able to, he always just said he could from a young age and couldn’t remember actually learning.
Justin’s dad believed it was dissociation. When Justin’s brain got so exhausted and drained of fighting itself, it needed a timeout. It could shut down, black things out. He might seem like he’s in a daze, other times he might do things on autopilot, not remembering he did them a few minutes before. He had large gaps of time in his past where he remembered nothing, yet still, it didn’t black out the worst of the worst. After their breakup, Will lay awake many nights thinking about Justin, wondering if he had dissociated any part of their relationship, blocked out all the bad bits. It wasn’t until he got back to New York and spoke to Justin that he realised Justin hadn’t blocked out any of it. He remembered every ounce of pain Will’s action - or non actions - had caused him.
Coming back to New York had been a shock to Will’s system. He thought he was ready. Only part of him was. The other part battled his own conscience and insecurities. It was difficult for him seeing Justin with Sasha, knowing Sasha was a good guy. Sasha being the one there caring for Justin when Will still felt it should be him. If he hadn’t been a dumbfuck and thrown it all away. He had been dwelling on it. Not sure where he fit, feeling like an outsider to their whole squad, who were close and tight. They adored each other and Will felt like an intruder. It was his own demons staring down the barrel at him and he knew this was how Justin felt over and over all the time with his mental illness. He had been trying to keep his distance so he didn’t make it awkward and uncomfortable for anyone, least of all Justin. Yet, inside, there was still an urge to talk to Justin and shoot for that acceptance and closure he needed. Blaize had been amazing. He didn’t hold any judgement against Will whatsoever. No one really did. It was Will judging himself, assuming Justin was too, from a distance. What felt like a gaping far distance. Justin was almost unattainable to him. So it felt, but it wasn’t true. And that one little Facebook Like, Will realised that he was probably his own worst enemy.
Even more, when he got to the building where Justin lived, he discovered his name was on the security safe list. The list of people who didn’t need a prior call-through from the Concierge to get permission to be let through the security doors to the elevators up to the apartments in the block. He had been removed after their breakup. Justin hadn’t wanted anything to do with him then. Now he was up there, pressing the doorbell to the apartment, trying to urge his stomach to stop flip-flopping with nerves and making him feel sick. He was hoping Blaize answered, or Justin himself. No such luck. A few moments later, it was Sasha answering the door and the look on his face said it all. He was shocked to see Will there and even took a step back in surprise. He was so hot, damnit. The curly blonde hair, the build that Will knew was Justin’s ‘type’, and a kind face. He felt intimidated in Sasha’s presence, like he had no business being in breathing distance of him. “Um… hey, mate. S-Sorry. I was just wondering if I could maybe… talk to Justin?”
Sasha still had his hand on the door handle. Will was the last person he expected to see at the door, it was true. He was expecting one of Justin’s uncles, or even Ali and Sunshine, possibly Justin’s doctors to do a follow-up with him. He wasn’t quite sure what to do with the discovery that it was Will, but he was okay with it. He had no ill-will - pardon the pun - against the guy. He had bigger fish to fry than letting emotional energy hold grudges. Justin had reassured him right from the get-go of Will’s return that he had nothing to be threatened or worried by and Sasha knew Justin wasn’t just paying him lipservice. Justin never did that to anyone, because he hated having it done to himself. There were only a couple of passing awkward moments where Sasha didn’t mean to stare in surprise. Then his tired brain kicked into Will’s question. “Um…” He looked over his shoulder into the apartment, wetting his lips. “I don’t… um… sorry. It’s not you. I don’t want you to think that. I’m not trying to cockblock you talking to him. He was sleeping last I checked on him, that’s all. I’m not sure if he’s awake.”
“Oh. Shit. Sorry. You don’t need to bother him or anything, it’s not that important.” It was important, but it wasn’t anything Will knew could wait until Justin was up to facing it. Which might be never. He was already letting his brain talk him out of this. He was relieved Sasha clarified his hesitation, because the first thing Will thought seeing it was that Sasha didn’t want him talking to Justin. Again, more proof Sasha was a good guy. The type of person Justin needed to take care of him. “Has he been okay after what happened at the party? It’s just… he and I haven’t spoken since those first couple of conversations when I came back. I thought he changed his mind and having me around was too much. Maybe he was avoiding me. Then, I didn’t feel like I could stick my nose into his business.”
“No, it’s not that,” Sasha said with a light laugh, shaking his head. “His overthinking everything has rubbed off on you, sounds like. I’m pretty sure he’s proud you had the balls to come back. He’s said as much, just not in so many words. But he’s sick, dude. He’s having a manic episode. Dysphoric Mania. The one where he’s up and down all over the place. And he… there was an attempt. An overdose with alcohol. I’ll see if he’s awake, though. He might be okay for a chat, I won’t make the call for him. But if he’s not, don’t get all paranoid that it’s you. It’s not. It’s everyone and everything at the moment. I know he’ll talk to you when he can. We just all need to wait for him to call the shots on it, you know?”
Will’s face was filled with concern as he listened to Sasha explaining. That sick feeling of horror twisted in his gut because no matter what happened, he still cared for Justin. Still loved him. Still never wanted to hear he had succeeded in taking his own life. That same icy shock apparently didn’t get easier to hear. And he was watching. Watching Sasha’s face as he said this, noticing now he looked closure that Sasha was a little pale and had dark circles under his eyes that were a bit bloodshot. Will knew how it felt to try to keep your head above water when the person you loved more than life itself wanted to kill themselves. You didn’t get better at it each time it happened. You didn’t fear less you might be at his funeral at any moment. He did something then he would normally have talked himself out of as stupid. He put his hand on Sasha’s arm, giving it a small squeeze. It was understanding, empathy. It hurt, but he knew Justin was worth the pain, just like Sasha would know. “I’m sorry. It’s terrifying, I know. You don’t have to disturb him. I can come back another time.”
Sasha glanced at Will’s hand, biting down on his lip. The last few days had taken their toll. The night before was awful. It was proof that no matter how much safeguards you built up around Justin, it wasn’t foolproof. The arrangement with Ari always had been that he drop Justin off at the apartment block, watch to make sure he got inside safely where the Concierge was and the security doors closed behind him. No one anticipated Justin turning back. You couldn’t lock him up and keep him from living, even if when it was happening, you entertained the idea because you were so fucking scared. “Let me just check, okay? He’d want to know you came anyway. Come in, I won’t be long.”
Will stood there, looking around the living room where he and Justin had once had many cuddle sessions watching movies, talking. The decor had changed, more modernised and Justin’s grand piano was gone. Wow. Where had it gone? His Aussie grandparents had bought that for him as soon as Justin revealed how naturally musically inclined he was. Will still remembered that night. Justin had sat with his dad at the piano at Luke’s bar and without even missing a beat, played and sung the whole of Piano Man. No one could quite believe that the broken and damaged kid from Chicago had just done that, least of all Mark. This was before Justin and Will were even dating and it still gave Will a massive boner. He wanked over Justin quite a few times before he had the balls to try anything on with him. That was before Justin’s horrific past came out, but Will couldn’t remember if it was before Justin’s bipolar diagnosis. All he remembered about that was that he didn’t understand it, or know what it was. He had to learn a hell of a lot, and yet, it still hadn’t been enough. He never would have expected Justin’s piano to ever be removed because he played it regardless of what his mood was and when he wrote songs, he always usually sat at it.
“He’s awake. He said you can come through.”
Will whipped around and found Sasha standing in the door and gesturing him through. He nodded, the nerves kicking in again. They were walking into the attached apartment, he realised. Mark and Gen bought this for Justin for his birthday, to give him a way to have some independence when it was inevitable he couldn’t really move out. He needed to be cared for, but he was still growing up. It was going to be so cool. It was surreal for Will to see it all renovated and decorated into a teenagers retreat. He didn’t know where all the doors lead to, he could only remember the layout from when it was first bought. It was all different now. More open, walls knocked now, more doors than he could remember. Sasha led him into what used to be the kitchen, and now it was this massive open-planned room with polished floors. A rumpus room, games room… or something. A music room? Justin’s piano was the first thing he saw, pride and place in the corner by the large window. One of those big massive wall windows that Justin would sometimes stand right up against without issue, looking down to the ground but made Will a little nauseous if he did it. There was also a small stage, musical instruments including keyboards, a drum kit, guitars. A pool table, a sofa with a Playstation set up, bean bags. It was quite possibly the most epic room Will had ever been in. Better even than Tom Hanks’ apartment in the movie Big. And there, by the modular sofa that wrapped around two walls, was Justin lying in the middle of one of those giant pillow Lovesac things wrapped in a fluffy blanket, Dory curled up near his elbow.
Justin wasn’t sure could actually get up without help. The Lovesac, a present from Amarlie when Justin got out of hospital, was hugged around him and pretty much heaven. He had come home from the bridal boutique with his mum in a sweaty, snotty, overheated, headachy, teary mess. Sasha brought him through here where it was quiet with the lights all dimmed down where he had been reading a book with Dory. Justin crashed out and he had been dozing on and off since. It was the timeout he needed, but he was surprised too to hear Will was at the door and asking to talk to him. As emotional and shaken up he had been over the last few days, he was okay with talking to Will. Sasha was right, he didn’t have a problem with it. He didn’t really have the strength or energy to have a problem with it. He didn’t want it awkward and weird. It was a battle he chose not to pick. It took a lot of strength to make the decision and put it in action, though. He needed the time to process Will’s return, but when he had let himself pause and think about, he realised it wasn’t upsetting him really. It was confusing, but not in a bad way.
He tried to shuffle forward in the Lovesac, but it had him well and truly cocooned. Sasha was smirking at him, but didn’t let him suffer too long before he was offering his hands to pull him up. “Thanks, baby,” Justin murmured a soft thanks to his boyfriend and gave him a kiss now he was released from the butt-hugging nest.
Sasha picked up a bottle of blue Gatorade with a straw in it from nearby and handed it to Justin. “Drink. I’ll take Dory for a walk. You need anything from the store? Gummi Bears?” he asked, combing Justin’s messy hair down with his fingers. “Nana cooked you chicken noodle soup if you’re feeling up to food yet. Extra noodles.”
“Maybe for dinner? Gummi Bears. Yes. Ali and Sunshine are coming over later too. Sunshine’s picked some flower girl dresses for Dory to try on. It’s Serious Business.” Although Dory had her own pet passport and was fully cleared to fly in the cabin with Justin on flights because she was a service dog, this time, they were flying on the FABULOUS private jet to get to the wedding. Justin wasn’t quite sure how he felt about that because the smaller plane seemed to make him feel more sick, but hopefully with enough Valium, he would sleep through most of it.
Sasha laughed, shaking his head. “Right. Priorities. But if she wants to start painting her nails again, I’m out of there. That’s girls’ business.” He gave Justin another kiss. “Love you. Bye.”
Even if he felt a little like a third wheel, Will ended up smirking in amusement at the exchange about Dory. It was a welcome distraction from the affection and kisses shared by Justin and Sasha. He wasn’t sure he would ever get used to seeing Justin kiss another person that wasn’t acting on stage. Then he was alone with Justin, Sasha now gone with Dory trotting after him and the door closed behind them. Justin was sitting on the edge of the Lovesac looking tired and seedy. Will had to remember he had an overdose so he was probably feeling shit. For a few moments, they both just sort of eyed each other uncertainly and Will wasn’t sure if Justin was waiting for him to speak first. He couldn’t read Justin like he used to be able to.
Justin got up, but his legs felt like jelly. He always had pain through his body after his breakdowns. Psychosomatic shit. It was lucky he didn’t faceplant the giant rug, but once he teetered for a bit, he righted himself and went to sit over at the piano. “We know each other too well to be awkward, you know. You’ve seen me do all those gross awkward thing. You’ve seen parts of me only you and one other person in this whole world have seen. Sometimes you just need to Let It Go.” He started to play the piano intro of the Frozen theme song that he knew by heart being Sunshine’s big brother, smirking at Will as he did so. Then he broke into singing the chorus of the parody version, Fuck It All.
Will realised he was standing there awkwardly, being about as useful as a fart in a spacesuit. He glanced around for the nearest place to sit, picking the end seat of the modular sofa, which was close enough to still be in talking distance of Justin. “And people think Footloose is your theme song,” he murmured. He linked his fingers together in front of him, wringing his hands. Then that felt awkward too, so he unclasped them and rested them on his thighs. “Um… Sasha told me you were sick. That you attempted. And it’s weird, I feel like I’m invading your privacy.”
“No. You’re not. It’s… the squad knows. A lot of them were there when it happened. Shit happens…” Justin wasn’t looking at Will. His eyes were on the keys of the piano, and he started to play The Winner Takes It All, what Will had posted on Facebook the night before, and started to sing, meeting Will’s gaze as he did.
Somehow, the lyrics felt different hearing Justin sing them. More significant, maybe. More of a reality check. Justin’s singing voice had always been versatile, and sometimes it could sound haunting like this. Or maybe that was just because sometimes, he put emotion behind the words that had messages, that he wanted to convey meaning in. Will knew he could never fully analyse it. He never thought Justin would sing directly to him again. Not that he was, really. More just driving home a point. Or something. Regardless, it was a distraction. Justin’s fingers moved over the keys effortlessly and Will knew that the time had come for him and Justin to move on, in another direction, not as two parts of one whole. Justin’s was someone else’s other half now and even if he wanted to completely take the high road, a sadness settled over Will, one of lost good times and reminiscence for what used to be. Hell, you should never have to feel that shit when you were only a teenager, but he knew when he and Justin had been good, they had been incredible. Which meant when it went wrong, it was awful.
When the song ended, a quiet fell over the music room and Justin took some time to collect his thoughts. His tongue swept over his lips and then he was biting his lower one. “You feel like a loser in all this?” he finally asked softly. “We’ve got too much history for it to be that black and white. You just need to learn to feel different things now. You can’t do that if you’re avoiding me. But it’s okay, I get it. I really do. I don’t even blame you for wanting to. Changing how you think and feel about something is probably one of the hardest things humans have to deal with. I’m sorry it can’t be easier. I know that it’s got to be hard for you seeing me with Sasha. You’ll find where you’re supposed to be again, even if it doesn’t feel like it.”
“Justin… you just tried to take your own life again. Why are you doing this with me? You didn’t have to agree to see me. You should be resting. You should be… I don’t know, having alone time with your boyfriend. All my insecure shit can wait. It’s bullshit in comparison to what you’re dealing with. I want to talk to you and try to figure out how all this is supposed to look now, but it doesn’t have to be today. I don’t know what happened, Sasha didn’t elaborate. He just said an overdose. I’m not going to sit here and think I should be includ--” Will was cut off when Justin suddenly put his hand over his mouth.
“You’re my friend. You’re entitled to be included,” Justin told him quietly. He kept his hand over Will’s mouth for a few more moments, waiting to make sure he didn’t stumble back into the verbal diarrhoea path again. “Can we take this one step at a time, please? My brain isn’t working properly and I’m hungover. Why did you come here today? Why did you post that song?” He took his hand away, satisfied that he at least guided Will onto a path he could cope with.
Will bit his lip. “Do you want to go lie back on your giant hairy testicle nest first?”
“What?!” Justin cried with a bark of a laugh. “I’m never going to be able to look at it the same way now. Cheers for that. I just need to keep drinking or I’ll have folk lining up to string me up by my giant hairy testicle.” He got up, pulling his pyjama pants up as he did and collected the Gatorade to take a few sips. He hiccuped when he was swallowing it because his stomach and throat were irritated from not just the overdose, but having his dad stick his fingers down his throat to get him to puke all the pills up. Not to mention the charcoal, which was vile and tasted as bad as it looked. He would never understand why all that awful stuff didn’t deter his brain from harming himself. “You don’t mind if I lie down again?”
“You’re sick. Lie down,” Will insisted with a shake of his head. He didn’t know if he should offer Justin help to lie down, but he managed himself. Mostly. It was a stiff crawl onto the giant beanbag where he flopped back into the hole he had vacated and dragged the blanket back over him. He looked tiny curled up in it. Same way as he always looked so small when he had been in a hospital bed. A reminder of his fragility, no matter how much of a survivor he was. “I came to talk to you today because I’ve been avoiding it. I’ve been feeling like a complete intruder with no place for me to come back. Like I was invading your privacy being back. I’m not saying any of this is rational and hearing myself say it out loud makes it sounds like a shitstorm. Coming back, I’ve realised that you’re… you’re the same, but you’re also different. You’re different because of Sasha and the differences are all for the better. You trust him to catch you when you fall. Something you stopped trusting in me ages ago. I’m here because I do want to be your friend, but I don’t know how to be because you’ve moved on so far without me. That’s why the song. I know you’ve won a lot of things in your life without me, and I know that me trying to talk about the shit that hurt you isn’t a good thing for you. But I don’t know how to figure any of it out without it. Am I even making sense? See? This is why we shouldn’t be doing this today.”
Justin wet his lips, dry from being dehydrated, the exact reason Sasha was shoving Gatorade into him at every turn. “Will, I haven’t ‘moved on’. I’ve just moved in another direction. I haven’t changed in as many ways as it probably seems. The only thing that’s really changed is I have a new constant in my life, and he’s different to you. I don’t compare, and I would never want to. You’re not him, he’s not you. Listen, I…” He stopped, closing his eyes and rubbing at his forehead. “I’m working on issues around that. I won’t lie to you. I have a fear inside that I’ll lose Sash like I lost you. That he’ll get to a point where he can’t cope anymore like you did. I have days where I can’t understand why he wants me. But none of that is your fault, or his fault. It’s my mental illness. It’s bipolar, it’s PTSD, it’s the fucking damaged parts of my brain cockblocking me. No matter what happens, or when, or how, or why, that isn’t going away. If you’re here, you’ll see me interacting with Sasha in different ways to how I did with you, because it is different now. He comes into my life with a whole different set of experiences to you and that’s why it’s different. I’m sorry if that makes you feel insecure or inadequate. You shouldn’t. Sasha’s survived having people he loves seriously sick twice in his life. One alive, one passed away, and then there’s me, teetering somewhere in between the two. I… I need him. I really believe there’s a reason I met him when I did and that maybe there’s a reason we ended when we did too. Because my future is so fucking uncertain, and I’d never want you shackled by any of this if you couldn’t cope with it and it was affecting your ability to enjoy life. And I think it was. I think I got too sick and you stopped being able to care for me. I don’t blame you for that, Will. I wish it could’ve been different and I got better so it would be better for you, but that was never possible. Nice to think about, but impossible. We needed the reality check, even if it was one of the hardest fucking things to deal with. You’re not less of a good person than Sash because you weren’t equipped and he is. It’s not even close to that.”
As Justin spoke, Will began to understand that all this was what he needed to hear. He needed to hear it in Justin’s words, from Justin’s heart, to be able to see the whole thing through his eyes. He spent months on end assuming Justin hated him for how much he hurt him and that he set out to purposefully replace him with someone so much better. A better person, a better carer, a better friend, a better lover, a better human. Without even knowing him, he put Sasha up on this massively high pedestal and assumed it was exactly what Justin wanted. No more stupid boyfriend who didn’t give a fuck. But none of it was like that. It wasn’t a matter of ‘better’, it was just different. “He’s a really nice guy, Jus. He’s been friendly at school and invited me to sit with him when I was sitting on my own. I wished I had reasons to hate him because that would’ve made everything so much easier, but there’s nothing. I see him, and he’s perfect for you. He’s sweet and considerate. He does kind things for people and helps them. He makes people laugh and, like, he has a pile of girls at school who want to be his fag hag,” he said with a bit of a laugh. He could see the humour, but it was still an emotional conversation to be facing. “I guess all that just made me feel worse about myself than I already was. Which isn’t his fault. It’s mine. I think I’ve been, like, grieving losing you all over again. And, um… dealing with the fact I still had feelings for you. Which I didn’t want to tell you to confuse shit. But it’s there and I’m working through it. I’m actually really glad someone as kind and gentle as Sasha is taking care of you. One day I hope I can find someone who matches me as well as he does you. I promise, I’m not just saying that to you. I mean it more than anything else. That’s what I needed to tell you. Instead of more secrets and awkward and avoidance, to just be honest with you so that maybe we really do have a stab at being friends. I’m never not going to love you, for being the amazing person you are, even if you don’t see it. And teaching me what’s important in life and what isn’t.”
Justin offered Will a small smile from where he was curled up in the bean bag, blanket pulled up to his chin. “Telling me that doesn’t freak me out. I guess it actually shows me that you did still love me back then and didn’t stop because I was sick and ruining your life. Communication stopped being our strongest point ages ago, so I’m glad you’ve figured out how to talk to me again. I can’t fill in the blanks on my own, Will. You know what happens then. The blanks get filled with all sort of fucked up shit my brain creates and it turns into a big shirtstorm where people get hurt and I forget how to keep living. Just… messy shit. My brain shouldn’t be left alone with anything, it self-destructs. You’ll find someone who fits you. It just might take time for you to figure out what that it, but if I can manage it, you can. Then again, I’m pretty sure mine was divine intervention or something because it wouldn’t have happened if I was left to my own devices. All that happened with Sash and me, dude, was a really sick girl wanted her best friend to be left with someone who understood pain, because she didn’t want him to be alone. Because she knew she didn’t have as long left as everyone thought. She wrote in a letter to him that the doctors told her she would be lucky to get a few more weeks, but she wasn’t able to face telling him. And I think she knew that after the whole Bondi thing that maybe I needed someone as beautiful as Sash to help me too. It was nothing like dating or love or getting revenge on you for hurting me. I was grieving too. Losing you, losing my parents as a unit, losing my mom, losing a part of me that I destroyed walking into the rip at the beach. He was there for me when it felt like no one else was, because I was feeling like everyone who came into my life was destroyed because of all my shit. Then there was this new friend I had whose whole world crashed down around him and I… I could be something for him. I could comfort him and help him feel less alone. That’s how all this started. We never meant to fall in love. It just happened. I know the media played it all up like some epic fairy tale. It wasn’t. Sasha went through hell after Andi’s death, and he’s still grieving. He still has days where it catches him off guard and hits him all over again. Then in amongst all that, he still somehow wanted me and had to learn how to care for me. You get cancer, Will. You know the horrific pain. Maybe we can all offer each other something in friendship. Granted, a pretty unconventional and fucked up foundation, but it’s not like we aren’t well-versed in fucked up shit.”
It had been easy for Will to push aside the factor of Sasha’s best friend dying of cancer. Other things had distracted him and maybe it was just too much for him to think on. Because he did know cancer. First hand. Sure, he had survived it and he had been in remission for years now, but it was really fucking hard hearing about someone his own age dying from it. “You know, I did think about Andi but only briefly. I thought I was deluded about it, didn’t want to face up to the reality that someone our age died of cancer. Someone people I love knew. It wasn’t that. It was just that I felt like I was invading Sasha’s privacy for thinking I had an entitlement to empathise with his grief or something. Cancer can be an objective or subjective thing. I didn’t want to go up to him and be all ‘Hey, I had cancer, I know what it’s like to nearly die, let’s hug and wear pink ribbons for life’. Because I didn’t know him. I’ve never lost anyone I love. I came close with you and that was the worst pain in the world. I couldn’t know how he was feeling and I thought that maybe even having me around would be a bad reminder. Like, I was the cunt who punched him in a fit of jealousy because he had my ex and I didn’t, who was I to act like I got what he was feeling?”
“I don’t think grief works like that, mate,” Justin told him with a little frown. He found himself choking up a little, because Sasha’s grief was still fresh. Justin had been at Andi’s funeral and then recently gone to the cemetery with Sasha to visit her. And everything in between. He had seen the look of crushing pain on Sasha’s face when the grief hits him again out of nowhere. “I think any empathy for your pain is a beautiful thing and makes you feel a tiny bit less alone. Besides, he has Zeke here. Zeke survived cancer too. I think you’d get along really well with Zeke, he’s hilarious. But he’s not totally out of the woods yet either. He’s in remission, but early days. Having him around doesn’t bring Sash pain. Quite the opposite. He loves that not everyone has the same fate as Andi. That’s why we were in Paris recently. I walked in Rian’s fashion show that was dedicated to people who fought cancer. Paris himself was supposed to walk, but he’s still pretty sick. He couldn’t do. That’s why we’re taking the private jet to Australia because he can’t get medical clearance to be in airports or on planes when his immunity is so low. But I walked that day for Paris, and for Andi, and for my grandma, and for Billy, and for Zeke, and for you. I don’t want you to think for once that you’re invading his privacy on any level. He is a very private person, I won’t deny that. But he knows there’s nothing private about cancer. You might not know what he’s been through, but he knows what you’ve been through. He’s… really just a beautiful person. One of those that makes the world a better place.”
Will drew in a shaky breath because he knew he was getting emotional himself. About the fact he was having a sweet and meaningful conversation with Justin that wasn’t fraught with piles of unresolved emotions that never had closure. About the fact they were talking about cancer. About the fact Justin was pointing out Sasha understood the things Will had gone through in the past. Justin could’ve responded badly to Will trying to talk to him about these difficult things, he could’ve arced up and told him to get the fuck away from his boyfriend because he was a selfish piece of shit. That wasn’t Justin, and Will was reminded of that again now. Justin could arc up when his moods were unbalanced but it always had triggers. It didn’t seem like Will was a trigger anymore. Not even close. “And he makes you happy… when you said you didn’t think you were able to be happy anymore. I remember that conversation as if it happened yesterday. I remember the look in your eyes, because it was the final nail in the coffin of our relationship.”
Justin nodded and was toying with the pendant around his neck on a leather necklace. It was rose quartz, a crystal that had properties such as being able to heal on emotional levels, helping inner childhood karma, emotional traumas, opening you up emotionally to love.It symbolized love and harmony. Even if they both knew a rock couldn’t heal Justin, Sasha told him that any good energy might help. Besides, it was a gorgeous pendant in the shape of a heart. “He does. But not all the time. Only on the days I’m capable. He knows that’s not every day. And sometimes, for really long stretches, weeks at a time. But he’s just there, and he he keeps reminding me that he loves me and that he’s there for me. He reminds me a lot that I’m not alone. Until I get back to a place I can believe it again, and then he’ll show me again what happy feels like. I guess I just need to keep being reminded and probably will for the rest of my life. Don’t think for a minute that he’s a miracle worker who has come in and bypassed the bipolar and waved a magic wand to fix all the shit like some wizard. He’s not Dumbledore. All that will do will make you keep feeling like an inadequate failure and you’ll keep on hating on yourself for the fact our relationship didn’t survive. Trust me, you don’t want to get stuck in that vicious cycle or you’ll miss good things right in front of you. That’s not how it is, mate. I still have just as many bad and horrible days dating Sash as I did when I dated you. I just don’t think you and I were able to be end game. Maybe the reason it ultimately had to end was because we’re better with other people than with each other. But maybe we can be really fucking awesome as friends. Just, you know, don’t punch my boyfriend or I’ll speed dial Clint like whoa.”
Will couldn’t not laugh at that. He sat back, holding his hands up in surrender. “Dude, I’m never drinking booze again. I’m not even just saying that, it was horrible. So I know how you feel having a hangover. And I know the fact you have one means your shit hit the fan again badly because you usually do so well steering clear of it with your dad’s help, so your episode was fucking with your head. I promise, I haven’t forgotten anything about your illness or what it does to you.” He paused, chewing the inner corner of his lip and then gave Justin a soft smile. “Thank you, Jus. For talking about all of this with me, and helping me understand. Thank you for not hating me and for giving me a second chance to be in your life. Thank you for telling me how it really is, because I’ve been spending weeks trying to fill in the gaps myself and really basically just fucking it all up and getting it wrong. And, um… well, there’s maybe someone I’d like to ask out for a burger or something, and I was talking myself out of it because I mostly thought I was terrible boyfriend material, and partly because I’m scared I’ll never feel about anyone how I felt for you. You’re a pretty tough act to follow.”
Justin smirked and blinked tiredly, curling the blankets in tighter around him. “Oh yeah, my trying to jump off high ledges and having uncontrollable crying fits is something the poor guy needs to live up to. Seriously, I spent about three quarters of an appointment at the bridal boutique with mom today getting her final dress fitting bawling my eyes out. You’ll feel better now you know the reality of it all. I don’t want you to think you have to avoid me or any of our friends because of what happened in our past. And you’re wrong about one thing. I do still trust you. I just no longer need to trust you to be the one to hold me up when I can’t do it myself. I still think you’re an incredible person. But talk to me if you need to. Don’t try to work it all out in your own head. I can’t even work out what’s going on in my head, how can I expect anyone else to?” His eyebrows crept up at the last bit. “Oh, yeah? Anyone I know? You will feel for someone like that again. But it’ll be different. Amazing, but different.”
“You’re having a really tough time with this episode, huh? I arrived at the Halloween party the other night and saw what happened. It freaked everyone out because you’d been sick and hospital recently. It’s a bad one? Wait, that’s a really dumb question. Of course it’s bad if you’ve attempted…” People could look at Justin and never be able to imagine him doing something like attempting to take his own life. It was unfathomable to picture someone doing that. Even if there was video of him being resuscitated on a beach, that wasn’t the same. That looked the same as any other lifesaving rescue all over the world. Justin in the direct wake of a suicide attempt was an horrific thing to witness. Will had seen it multiple times. It was still fresh in his head how Justin looked being rushed passed him to surgery on a hospital gurney, looking like a corpse. That never got easier, and he hoped Sasha was dealing okay at the moment. He seemed to be, but at the same time, Will knew that a lot of what he was feeling wouldn’t be on show. He would be trying to stay strong for Justin. That’s what you did when you loved someone. Or should do. Will never wanted to stop being that ever again. “It’s… well, it’s Blaize. He and I have talked a lot. He’s easy to talk to and there’s no judgement. He knows all about what I did and still doesn’t judge me. He’s kind of like Yoda with a wicked sense of humour. Pretty sure he’s way out of my league, though.”
Justin lowered his gaze and when he blinked, he let his stingy eyes stay shut for a bit longer. “It’s… there’s a lot of things that keep playing on my mind that are really hard to process with the whole manic thing going on. Everything feels a billion times more loud, fast, exhausting around me. I want to be able to stop and breathe. Everything’s so fucking overwhelming and I don’t really understand it. I-I didn’t… I… wanted my brain to stop. That’s all. As soon as I did it, I panicked like fuck. I’ll be okay. Just need people to keep intervening and getting me to slow down. Blaize isn’t out of anyone’s league, mate. He’s just the sort of person who sees all the facets of the world around him rather than blinkered or in black and white. If you want to hang with him, you’ve got to ask. You won’t get anywhere with him if you can’t connect with him. That’s just how he functions. You should ask Luke about coming to my mom and dad’s wedding. We’re all going. It’ll be great fun.”
“You look exhausted. I’m going to go so you can rest, okay?” Will was standing when Justin had continued and his mouth dropped open a little in surprise. “You… would want me to come to your mom and dad’s wedding? Seriously? I just thought that was a family that.”
Justin couldn’t deny he was exhausted. His head was starting to ache again trying to keep his eyes open. He really did just want pull the covers over his head and go back to sleep. “It’s not just family. It’s everyone. They’ve hired out the whole resort for everyone to stay at. Ask Luke. It’ll be fun. You can get to know Blaize some more,” he added, giving Will a drowsy smirk. “Sorry, I feel like I’ve been hit by a bus, my energy’s totally zapped. I’m not trying to get rid of you or anything.”
“I know, mate. Far from it. You’re sick, I understand. You’ve already helped me plenty. You didn’t need to talk to me feeling like that, but you did. It all sounds so epic, I’d love it. But only if you’d be okay with me being there,” Will murmured as he stood smiling down at Justin. “Rest, okay? Pretty sure you must be feeling as shitty as you look. And I’ll work on not repeatedly talking myself out of asking Blaize out for a coffee.”
Justin’s hand snaked out from under the blanket to give Will a thumb’s up. “Cheers, mate. Epic compliment,” he joked but was already snuggling in beneath the covers. His head was aching and throbbing with tiredness. Still, he felt like he and Will had made ground here in getting back to a place they were both comfortable with. “Don’t talk yourself out of it. It’ll be fine. Life’s too short. Way too short.”
LOG, COMPLETE