Geneviève Emmanuelle "Gen" Hart-Campbell (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
asskickingblahniks) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
dreamlikenewyork2017-11-04 08:37 pm
asskickingblahniks) wrote in dreamlikenewyork2017-11-04 08:37 pm
"As long as he needs me."
Who: Gen Hart and Justin Campbell
What: Happily Ever After-like
Where: Bridal Boutique, NYC
When: Friday
Justin woke up with a hangover. It was surreal because it had been so long since he had one of those he had forgotten how they felt. It wasn’t like he didn’t have plenty of other things to make him feel like shit in its place but booze hangovers were never pleasant. Especially not mixed with everything else he was dragged through yesterday and last night. A hangover coupled with the after-effects of activated charcoal made for a really awful morning for him. And probably for Sasha, who copped the brunt of his mood. It all woke him somewhere around five am, and most of the next three hours were spent in the bathroom. That really didn’t help his mood either, so when he started to recover, he went back to bed, pulled the covers over his head and went back to sleep.
He slept some of it off and got up around 1pm. He sat on the floor of the cubicle and let the hot spray beat down on him for so long his skin went pruny and Sasha came in to check he still had a pulse. Justin was still on the floor of the shower, knees drawn up, arms resting on them and head down on his elbow. Sasha still panicked, thinking he was dead. Justin felt like an epic fuckarse about the whole past 24 hours, putting Sasha and his family through all that. He still couldn’t reason out what happened or why he did it. Alec thought it boiled down to the adrenaline hit of being on stage performing whilst being manic, but he and Nate also threw around the idea it could be hormonal for Justin, the result of a growth spurt. Whatever it was, life had been heavy-on for him recently, with confusing emotional changes. Now he had the trifecta of shit set in - an episode, self-harming, and a suicide attempt.
Though, there had been some psychological filtering. That’s what Alec called it, putting it down to the fact the non-serotonin medication they were sourcing from Australia because it wasn’t approved by the FDA here was likely doing the job they needed it to. There had been no fight or flight when his anxiety was triggered at the party and when he was feeling suicidal, he had walked himself through options, resorting to the slowest option that ultimately bought him time to get home and cry out for help. All these assessments of him in the wake of his shit were inevitable, but he never had the strength to take much of it in. Even if he felt like he had the worst of worse flus and had run a marathon the full perimeter of Australia, he still pulled on his favourite pair of jeans and one of Sasha’s hoodies to be ready to go to the bridal shop with Gen.
Coming out into living room, he felt so starkly conscious that everyone had witnessed what happened the night before. They were all there too, watching TV. He didn’t really feel much like addressing the giant elephant in the room. Not when he was the elephant, in essence. He had the added weight of Sasha having seen his fresh self-harming injuries in the shower. They hadn’t been naked together in around three weeks. Neither had been in the mood for sex, which aided Justin hiding the injuries. Now sober and in the cold light of day again, still with the lingering hangover, he was ashamed of it all. And even if the suicidal urges had eased, the didn’t stop the feelings. They didn’t just go away overnight. There was that weighty feeling in his soul like he didn’t want to keep living like this, stuck in this vicious cycle. And there were two things helping him combat that: his amazing boyfriend and his his parents’ wedding.
What he did do was apologise to everyone for scaring them and that they had to go through that and confessed that he didn’t feel like talking it through yet, but it did mean the world they cared. Mostly, he just didn’t want to sit down and talk it through because with where his mind was at, what he talked about could be pretty graphic and it wasn’t his friends’ job to be his shrink. He had an appointment at the hospital for that and a psych assessment later in the afternoon and after that, he hoped he and Sash could have some time alone together so he could try to apologise better for all of it.
Now he was sitting in a white lacy and frilly seat in the designer wedding boutique. He stuck his fingertip under the silver scalloped trimming of the armrest, studying a crystal droplet hanging from the edge of it. He wasn’t quite sure why they felt the need to make a chair look like a wedding dress too. He had no experience with any of this stuff, but some of it was so OTT. How did anyone think it was beautiful? It was gaudy and some of it was even trashy. You could be sexy without looking trashy. Not that he really knew the female psyche in any way, but he knew enough to know T&A didn’t determine your beauty. He flicked at the crystal, lethargically watching it bounce back and forth until it made his tired eyes start to cross.
For the last couple of minutes, Gen had been sitting watching her son quietly. It was hard not to interrogate him about the night before but that would be stupid because he no more had the answers to any of it than they did. He wasn’t a doctor, he didn’t understand why he did the things he did. He definitely didn’t have the control over it. She was stunned he wanted to keep the appointment with her. No one really expected him to get up, not when Sasha came out to the kitchen and reported Justin had an epic hangover and had gone back to bed once his stomach stopped rebelling on him. Gen really thought her son would spend the next few days buried in his bed, pretty much needed to have food forced into him so he could take his medication. He wasn’t noticing she was watching him, so she indulged a little longer. Mark was right, this was dysphoric mania. His face showed depression and exhaustion, but he was still fidgeting and bouncing his foot as they sat and waited for the store assistant to find Gen’s dress. He always looked so young when he was ill like this. No stage makeup to hide behind, so his freckles were more obvious, and his complexion was so fair. “You doing okay, baby boy?” she asked him, reaching over to take his hand. “You didn’t have to get up for this.”
“Yeah, I did. I’d have to have no pulse to not be here for this. I promised you I’d come.” Justin was slumped down in the chair enough he could fall asleep if the spotlights weren’t so bright. He wet his lips slowly because his mouth was feeling dry, all things considered. His gaze followed another store assistant who walked by nursing a white dress bag. “Besides, if I didn’t, you and Dad would probably be entertaining more ideas about postponing or cancelling the wedding. Which would just play to all the dumbfuck fears my brain keeps making me feel, so at least if you collect the dress, it might be, like… a better chance none of that will happen. This is the closest I’ve ever gotten to the real deal of a family. Not just the construction of one, but with all the nice things that come with it. Maybe the nice things are overrated, but I’ve been fantasising about having that all one day since I was a kid. A dad and mom who didn’t hurt me, and loved each other so much that I could see why they wanted to be my parents. Not… wanting to hurt me. Let other people hurt me. Not looking after me when I felt sick or ever being there when things hurt. Lying awake crying all night because I didn’t understand why my dad didn’t want me and my mom hurt me when no one else’s moms seemed to hurt them. Wishing that I wouldn’t wake up in the morning to have to find her not there again and nothing but rotting apples with ants in the fruit bowl and spoiled milk in the fridge, while he was passed out on the bed naked with two weird strange men who I thought would start to molest me like the other one had. All I ever wanted was to be able to believe that one day someone would care about me and love me. I always knew she never did. Then when you gave up and went away, it felt like you never did either.”
Gen felt like the ground was trying to collapse out from under her when Justin started to talk. His voice was low, flat and almost monotone. Unless someone came over and crouched beside them, they wouldn’t hear what he was saying. While he spoke, his eyes were skimming his surroundings every now and again, watching to make sure no one would come over and hear what he was saying. It was probably the last place in the world a conversation like this should be taking place, but Justin couldn’t pick and choose the way his thoughts came out. She knew she was going to cry and by the time he stopped, she was, trying to wipe the tears away as soon as she fell. He had never said any of this to her, and especially not like this. It was like he always hoped she would connect the dots herself, but finally felt like crunch time. “I love you more than everything in this world, my darling,” she told him, barely managing to get the words out in a choked whisper. She kept a hold of his hand, softly touching his face with her other to turn his head so he was looking at her. It was his eyes again. They were flat and dull, red-rimmed, a little swollen. But he he met her gaze when she coaxed him to. “Since the moment I realised it was love I felt towards you, that has never changed. I just stopped believing I was good enough to give you the care you needed. Now I know that any way I can care is good enough. I never want to hurt you again. All this is as much me wanting to be your mom as wanting to marry your dad. Together, we’re going to figure it out. On the days we can’t, we’ll still give it our best damn shot. Sweetie, you’re sick. Do you want me to take you home? You don’t need to be here to ensure the wedding’s still going to happen. It is. Nothing will stop that.”
Justin shook his head and managed a small smile. “No. I want to be here for this. None of that is why I wanted to come. I want to make good memories with you. With Dad, with Sash. Sunshine once said to me when we were hanging out one day that maybe if I make a whole pile more happy thoughts, it would wash away some of the bad ones to make room. It sounds so innocent, but maybe it’s not all childlike fantasy. I’ve been trying to do it with Sash and I think it’s working. It’s just not as easy as a Disney movie. Especially not when my head’s fucking up on me again, dragging all the bad shit up and reminding me it’s not really ever washed away. I don’t think it needs to be to make happy ones, though. I used to think I couldn’t make anymore of those, and then I met Sash. He changed everything. And now, you and Dad are trying too.”
Think happy thoughts. Such a simple and childlike notion from Peter Pan, out of the mouths of babes. But Sunshine was a smart little lady, just like her dad. She was so incredibly attuned to Justin when he wasn’t well, giving him gentle cuddles, holding his hand, putting plush toys in his bed to take care of him. She was too young to understand the deep complexity of why her big brother was sick, the simple fact he was sick at all was enough. Justin had been incredible with her too. He connected with her so easily when they first met and he had all the time in the world for her now, playing with Barbies, having tea parties, playing dress-ups, watching every Disney movie under the sun. In the early days, Gen remembered Mark fearing Sunshine might be scared of Justin when he was having an episode, because his face did change, his voice changed, his general demeanour changed. It never happened. The opposite happened, in the Sunshine could see straight up when Justin was sick and knew that on those days, he probably didn’t want to play and needed more cuddles. But here Justin was, showing just how much impact his little sister had in his life. There was forever so much more going on in Justin’s head than he verbalised because he often couldn’t rationalise his bipolar thought processes in a way anyone else could understand. He often leaned on analogy to help people at least in essence get some of it. And the scary part about Justin was that he was an award-winning actor. There was so much he could veil and conceal, which is probably what happened the day before. He had been feeling suicidal and still went to work, still interacted with people, still kept functioning, fooling everyone that he wasn’t in direct danger. “I never want anything with you to be just trying, darling. I know it’s impossible for you to be able to just take my words as gospel now, but I want you to know that we’re not lying to you. We’re not paying you lipservice. You and you dad are my life now. I need you both at my side for my wedding day. My true, real, and special wedding day I’ve wanted my whole life. You helped me see that when I was running scared on it all. Having you here with me today is one of the most special things in my life. I’ll never forget it.”
Justin’s eyes were teary but stopped himself crying. He watched his mom’s face closely as she spoke, though. He wanted to believe her. He needed to, and finally - after it seeming like an impossible feat - he nodded and a faint smile played on his lips. Before he could answer, the store assistant came back with a dazzling smile, nursing another one of those dress bags. He drew in a breath, bracing himself. He didn’t quite know why this moment was having such impact for him. Maybe seeing his mom in a real wedding dress would make it feel real finally. Up to this point, it didn’t. Not even being with her when her side of the wedding party had come dress shopping with her all those weeks ago. It had been a fun day, without a doubt. She hadn’t gone with the first dress she initially saw and loved. Not now Paris was involved. Paris had been having a good day, and he brought out his sassy gay bitch streak full-force the day Gen chose her dress. ‘You’re Gen fucking Hart, there’s no off the rack for you - my fucking god, I’m breaking out into hives at the with the mass production cooties. Get your shit together!’ Justin had snickered at the time, because he had spent the morning on a mantra of ‘Nope, nope, nope, nope, ew nope, no that looks slutty’, etc. etc. Paris nailed it. None of it was, in essence, Gen Hart and in the past, she never would have settled for average. “Time to go show all these other brides how it’s done, Mom.”
Gen smiled, softly patting his cheek and then kissed his forehead. It just hit her in this moment that she was excited to try the final product on. The day of the wedding dress shopping, she had just been picking out pretty dresses, but nothing that was befitting someone who had status in the fashion world like she was. Ultimately, she went with a custom-made dress that Paris had sat in the boutique and designed on a sketchpad he borrowed off the designer who would ultimately make the dress. Watching Paris work, she had seen then where Amarlie’s design gift had come from. So much had happened in life that she had almost forgot Paris had this incredible natural talent as a designer himself. He had never directly travelled that route, even if it had been an ambition he had in high school. Instead, the magazine had taken off and being a CEO was where he ended up. Over the time, he had designed couture outfits for cover features or spreads in the magazine. As Paris’ hand had skimmed over that page like it belonged there, Gen had seen a look on Amarlie’s face she had never seen before. Complete mindblown awe, but it was a penny dropping that she had Paris’ genes, that even if the early days meeting Gen had been tough, this was her blood, her roots, where she had come from.
Paris hadn’t been able to make it to the final fitting. He was resting as much as he could to prepare for the trip to Australia and had a few bad days earlier in the week where they kept him overnight in hospital for electrolyte therapy. He would still see her on her wedding day when he and her dad walked her down the aisle. But Paris, too, had told her that she needed these special moments with only Justin. Having the wedding, remarrying the right way this time, it was just as much for Justin as it was Mark and Gen. Justin needed to have faith in the wedding as a whole process, not just them rocking up on the day and saying I Do. “Okay, let’s do this thing. Don’t run away now, kiddo.”
Justin gave her a smirk. “Don’t worry, I’m steering clear of pharmacies…” he said, shifting in his seat and watching Gen follow the woman towards the changing rooms. After sitting back in the chair head resting on the back of it as he stared at the ceiling blankly while he waited, his phone buzzed with a text message and he took it out to read it.
I love you. I know everything hurts, but I’m hurting with you. Just keep swimming, baby.
Justin’s eyes filled with tears and he hugged his phone to his chest. Sasha always knew the right things to say and one thing he never did was tell Justin it would be okay. Or that it would get better. All he did was let Justin know he wasn’t alone and was going through it with him. No one would ever really understand how important that was for Justin, and sometimes, that was all he needed to hear. He had to force himself to get his shit together because he didn’t want to be sitting in the middle of a bridal shop bawling his eyes out, especially when he was hungover and feeling roughly. He didn’t want it to turn into ugly crying where he made himself sick. It’d end up all over the internet and when he was sick like this, the last thing he wanted was exposure or people trying to get pictures of him looking at his worst and then speculating again the he was on drugs.
I love you. Sorry for scaring you <3
He watched the return text get delivered, and brushed his thumb over Sasha’s message in lieu of being able to hug him. Sasha’s reply was so quick, Justin was still staring at the previous message, remembering how lucky he was that Sasha came into his life.
Don’t be sorry. I get scared because I don’t want to live without you anymore. I’ll do anything to keep fighting for you to stay <3
Justin didn’t have time to reply because he looked up and saw his mom coming back through to where the surrounding mirrors were. Justin had deliberately chosen that seat to sit in because it wasn’t facing any direct mirrors. He didn’t like looking at his reflection when he was manic because he didn’t recognise what was staring back at him. He didn’t know who it was in the image reflecting back at him and it was confronting. Some people might not think your own reflection could be confronting, but it was to him. It always had. During those years of his life he was being bullied and constantly suicidal before he came to New York, he never looked into mirrors because it was a haunted and broken stranger looking back at him. But now, in a world where things weren’t as terrifying, but no less difficult, he fumbled his phone and dropped it onto the carpet when he saw his mom coming out in her wedding dress. He forgot about his phone and both hands came up to press against his mouth because it took his breath away. This was his mom - the mom who chose him as her son - who was going to marry his dad in just over a week. “Oh my god,” he gasped and then in the next moment, burst into tears that he had been trying so hard to fight back, getting up to go over and hug her.
Gen's dress had stunned her into speechlessness when she saw it on. Her baby brother’s beautiful design had become reality and she couldn’t believe she had this chance at a proper wedding in all that previous mess when she saw it. Paris hadn’t held back on the bling. He designed each intricate pattern of Swarovski crystals and because of it all, the dress was heavy, but she didn’t care. It was custom-made and fit like a glove. As soon as she saw it on, something really did shift inside her. Everything suddenly stopped being confusing and uncertain and she could picture herself walking down the aisle to Mark and Justin in it, with her dad and Paris by her side. She wished their mom was alive so she could see this. She would have been so proud. But instead, she had her son, who was struggling but still trying to help her understand why he wanted and needed her in his life. It was so unbelievably painful, but it was necessary pain. As soon as she saw the depth of Justin’s reaction, she knew that finally, everything was exactly as it should be. “Oh, sweetie. It’s okay. It’s going to be okay,” she told him when she wrapped her arms around him and smoothed his hair down, kissing his head. Then she stepped back a little so she could see his face. His chin cupped in her palms, she gave him a smile and brushed some of his tears away with her thumbs. “Are these happy tears, darling?”
“Yes,” Justin got out through a sharp intake of breath, trying to alleviate the sobs that kept catch in his throat. He nodded and smiled, glancing down at the dress. “Just… just… didn’t think this would really happen. Shit, there’s no one taking pictures of me, is there? There always seems to be someone with a fucking camera when I lose my shit.” He was trying to wipe his eyes too, but he was getting in a pretty snotty mess. It was a surprise the sales assistant was even letting him near an expensive dress like Gen was wearing, but that wasn’t her call to make. Just when he managed to get himself a little under control, he looked at the dress again and ended up breaking down for a second wave, this time his hands coming up over his face when his emotions completely devoured him. He couldn’t even talk this time. Everything he had been keeping bottled up since Gen’s return was tumbling out, coupled with the emotional stress he had through the week.
Justin was causing a little bit of a scene but it wasn’t a result of morbid curiosity. The onlookers seemed concerned and Gen requested a moment’s privacy from the sales assistant who pulled a lacy partition closed and closed this part of the store off from the rest of the sprawling boutique. She pulled her son into another protective hug against her and just held him this time. “In just one week, sweetie, we’re going to be that family you always fantasised about. It’s going to happen and I’m going to be the happiest mom to ever live because I have one of the most beautiful kids in the the universe as my son. But I think we need to just make sure it’s fitting properly in all the right places and get you back home to bed.” He had done well to even surface to get here in the first place, but her biggest job as a mom was to take care of her kid and he needed rest.
“No, I just need to… take some photos…” Justin was still a teary mess and his emotions did feel pretty shot. Being hungover didn’t help, nor did the fact his head didn’t know whether it wanted him to be depressed or manic. He was feeling around at his pocket for his phone until he remembered he dropped it back over near the chair. He promised Paris and Amarlie to get photos and even if that was before last night happened, he still wanted to keep his word. Only, when he got over to the chair and looked back at Gen, another wave of bawling hit him, to the point he was sinking down on the floor and burying his face in his hands because everything was feeling that little bit too overwhelming… even the happiness and relief at seeing his mom in her wedding dress. “Oh my god, it looks so amazing,” he sobbed.
Gen was grateful when the sales assistant came back to help. She obliged in taking some photos with Gen’s phone because Gen was reluctant to let Justin’s phone into the hands of any strangers. She was plenty tech savvy, but she knew people out there could be uber-tech savvy and might know a way to quickly distribute his phone number in a couple of swipes on the screen. She didn’t know what private stuff her kid had on his phone. He had it locked with a passcode and fingerprint recognition, but he was a teenage boy. There were probably dick pics and private conversations with Sasha on there, at the very least. This whole thing was never going to be a picture-perfect fairy tale, but none of them needed it to be. Reality was they had a sick kid and the crying was his emotional overload. The thing he probably needed more than anything right now was cuddles from Sasha and the quiet peace of his warm bed where everything around him could slow down and bring some peace.
The sales assistant turned out to be the sweetest lady. When she was bagging up Gen’s dress, she confessed she had been going to ask Justin for a picture and an autograph for her niece until she noticed he wasn’t feeling up to it. ‘He’s got none of his usual sparkle, he’s usually such a dazzling kid. We’ve seen Footloose seven times, you know’, she had said to Gen and Gen apologised, telling her he had a tough week. But with how respectful she had been of Justin’s space, she promised she would bring him back for a photo when he was feeling better. She was reminded once again of how Justin, in sharing his difficult story, had touched the lives of many and she really was so fucking proud to be his mom. She would stand on rooftops and shout it to anyone who listened, and she was glad she finally managed to see the light and get her shit together, or she would’ve lost him forever.
LOG, COMPLETE
What: Happily Ever After-like
Where: Bridal Boutique, NYC
When: Friday
Justin woke up with a hangover. It was surreal because it had been so long since he had one of those he had forgotten how they felt. It wasn’t like he didn’t have plenty of other things to make him feel like shit in its place but booze hangovers were never pleasant. Especially not mixed with everything else he was dragged through yesterday and last night. A hangover coupled with the after-effects of activated charcoal made for a really awful morning for him. And probably for Sasha, who copped the brunt of his mood. It all woke him somewhere around five am, and most of the next three hours were spent in the bathroom. That really didn’t help his mood either, so when he started to recover, he went back to bed, pulled the covers over his head and went back to sleep.
He slept some of it off and got up around 1pm. He sat on the floor of the cubicle and let the hot spray beat down on him for so long his skin went pruny and Sasha came in to check he still had a pulse. Justin was still on the floor of the shower, knees drawn up, arms resting on them and head down on his elbow. Sasha still panicked, thinking he was dead. Justin felt like an epic fuckarse about the whole past 24 hours, putting Sasha and his family through all that. He still couldn’t reason out what happened or why he did it. Alec thought it boiled down to the adrenaline hit of being on stage performing whilst being manic, but he and Nate also threw around the idea it could be hormonal for Justin, the result of a growth spurt. Whatever it was, life had been heavy-on for him recently, with confusing emotional changes. Now he had the trifecta of shit set in - an episode, self-harming, and a suicide attempt.
Though, there had been some psychological filtering. That’s what Alec called it, putting it down to the fact the non-serotonin medication they were sourcing from Australia because it wasn’t approved by the FDA here was likely doing the job they needed it to. There had been no fight or flight when his anxiety was triggered at the party and when he was feeling suicidal, he had walked himself through options, resorting to the slowest option that ultimately bought him time to get home and cry out for help. All these assessments of him in the wake of his shit were inevitable, but he never had the strength to take much of it in. Even if he felt like he had the worst of worse flus and had run a marathon the full perimeter of Australia, he still pulled on his favourite pair of jeans and one of Sasha’s hoodies to be ready to go to the bridal shop with Gen.
Coming out into living room, he felt so starkly conscious that everyone had witnessed what happened the night before. They were all there too, watching TV. He didn’t really feel much like addressing the giant elephant in the room. Not when he was the elephant, in essence. He had the added weight of Sasha having seen his fresh self-harming injuries in the shower. They hadn’t been naked together in around three weeks. Neither had been in the mood for sex, which aided Justin hiding the injuries. Now sober and in the cold light of day again, still with the lingering hangover, he was ashamed of it all. And even if the suicidal urges had eased, the didn’t stop the feelings. They didn’t just go away overnight. There was that weighty feeling in his soul like he didn’t want to keep living like this, stuck in this vicious cycle. And there were two things helping him combat that: his amazing boyfriend and his his parents’ wedding.
What he did do was apologise to everyone for scaring them and that they had to go through that and confessed that he didn’t feel like talking it through yet, but it did mean the world they cared. Mostly, he just didn’t want to sit down and talk it through because with where his mind was at, what he talked about could be pretty graphic and it wasn’t his friends’ job to be his shrink. He had an appointment at the hospital for that and a psych assessment later in the afternoon and after that, he hoped he and Sash could have some time alone together so he could try to apologise better for all of it.
Now he was sitting in a white lacy and frilly seat in the designer wedding boutique. He stuck his fingertip under the silver scalloped trimming of the armrest, studying a crystal droplet hanging from the edge of it. He wasn’t quite sure why they felt the need to make a chair look like a wedding dress too. He had no experience with any of this stuff, but some of it was so OTT. How did anyone think it was beautiful? It was gaudy and some of it was even trashy. You could be sexy without looking trashy. Not that he really knew the female psyche in any way, but he knew enough to know T&A didn’t determine your beauty. He flicked at the crystal, lethargically watching it bounce back and forth until it made his tired eyes start to cross.
For the last couple of minutes, Gen had been sitting watching her son quietly. It was hard not to interrogate him about the night before but that would be stupid because he no more had the answers to any of it than they did. He wasn’t a doctor, he didn’t understand why he did the things he did. He definitely didn’t have the control over it. She was stunned he wanted to keep the appointment with her. No one really expected him to get up, not when Sasha came out to the kitchen and reported Justin had an epic hangover and had gone back to bed once his stomach stopped rebelling on him. Gen really thought her son would spend the next few days buried in his bed, pretty much needed to have food forced into him so he could take his medication. He wasn’t noticing she was watching him, so she indulged a little longer. Mark was right, this was dysphoric mania. His face showed depression and exhaustion, but he was still fidgeting and bouncing his foot as they sat and waited for the store assistant to find Gen’s dress. He always looked so young when he was ill like this. No stage makeup to hide behind, so his freckles were more obvious, and his complexion was so fair. “You doing okay, baby boy?” she asked him, reaching over to take his hand. “You didn’t have to get up for this.”
“Yeah, I did. I’d have to have no pulse to not be here for this. I promised you I’d come.” Justin was slumped down in the chair enough he could fall asleep if the spotlights weren’t so bright. He wet his lips slowly because his mouth was feeling dry, all things considered. His gaze followed another store assistant who walked by nursing a white dress bag. “Besides, if I didn’t, you and Dad would probably be entertaining more ideas about postponing or cancelling the wedding. Which would just play to all the dumbfuck fears my brain keeps making me feel, so at least if you collect the dress, it might be, like… a better chance none of that will happen. This is the closest I’ve ever gotten to the real deal of a family. Not just the construction of one, but with all the nice things that come with it. Maybe the nice things are overrated, but I’ve been fantasising about having that all one day since I was a kid. A dad and mom who didn’t hurt me, and loved each other so much that I could see why they wanted to be my parents. Not… wanting to hurt me. Let other people hurt me. Not looking after me when I felt sick or ever being there when things hurt. Lying awake crying all night because I didn’t understand why my dad didn’t want me and my mom hurt me when no one else’s moms seemed to hurt them. Wishing that I wouldn’t wake up in the morning to have to find her not there again and nothing but rotting apples with ants in the fruit bowl and spoiled milk in the fridge, while he was passed out on the bed naked with two weird strange men who I thought would start to molest me like the other one had. All I ever wanted was to be able to believe that one day someone would care about me and love me. I always knew she never did. Then when you gave up and went away, it felt like you never did either.”
Gen felt like the ground was trying to collapse out from under her when Justin started to talk. His voice was low, flat and almost monotone. Unless someone came over and crouched beside them, they wouldn’t hear what he was saying. While he spoke, his eyes were skimming his surroundings every now and again, watching to make sure no one would come over and hear what he was saying. It was probably the last place in the world a conversation like this should be taking place, but Justin couldn’t pick and choose the way his thoughts came out. She knew she was going to cry and by the time he stopped, she was, trying to wipe the tears away as soon as she fell. He had never said any of this to her, and especially not like this. It was like he always hoped she would connect the dots herself, but finally felt like crunch time. “I love you more than everything in this world, my darling,” she told him, barely managing to get the words out in a choked whisper. She kept a hold of his hand, softly touching his face with her other to turn his head so he was looking at her. It was his eyes again. They were flat and dull, red-rimmed, a little swollen. But he he met her gaze when she coaxed him to. “Since the moment I realised it was love I felt towards you, that has never changed. I just stopped believing I was good enough to give you the care you needed. Now I know that any way I can care is good enough. I never want to hurt you again. All this is as much me wanting to be your mom as wanting to marry your dad. Together, we’re going to figure it out. On the days we can’t, we’ll still give it our best damn shot. Sweetie, you’re sick. Do you want me to take you home? You don’t need to be here to ensure the wedding’s still going to happen. It is. Nothing will stop that.”
Justin shook his head and managed a small smile. “No. I want to be here for this. None of that is why I wanted to come. I want to make good memories with you. With Dad, with Sash. Sunshine once said to me when we were hanging out one day that maybe if I make a whole pile more happy thoughts, it would wash away some of the bad ones to make room. It sounds so innocent, but maybe it’s not all childlike fantasy. I’ve been trying to do it with Sash and I think it’s working. It’s just not as easy as a Disney movie. Especially not when my head’s fucking up on me again, dragging all the bad shit up and reminding me it’s not really ever washed away. I don’t think it needs to be to make happy ones, though. I used to think I couldn’t make anymore of those, and then I met Sash. He changed everything. And now, you and Dad are trying too.”
Think happy thoughts. Such a simple and childlike notion from Peter Pan, out of the mouths of babes. But Sunshine was a smart little lady, just like her dad. She was so incredibly attuned to Justin when he wasn’t well, giving him gentle cuddles, holding his hand, putting plush toys in his bed to take care of him. She was too young to understand the deep complexity of why her big brother was sick, the simple fact he was sick at all was enough. Justin had been incredible with her too. He connected with her so easily when they first met and he had all the time in the world for her now, playing with Barbies, having tea parties, playing dress-ups, watching every Disney movie under the sun. In the early days, Gen remembered Mark fearing Sunshine might be scared of Justin when he was having an episode, because his face did change, his voice changed, his general demeanour changed. It never happened. The opposite happened, in the Sunshine could see straight up when Justin was sick and knew that on those days, he probably didn’t want to play and needed more cuddles. But here Justin was, showing just how much impact his little sister had in his life. There was forever so much more going on in Justin’s head than he verbalised because he often couldn’t rationalise his bipolar thought processes in a way anyone else could understand. He often leaned on analogy to help people at least in essence get some of it. And the scary part about Justin was that he was an award-winning actor. There was so much he could veil and conceal, which is probably what happened the day before. He had been feeling suicidal and still went to work, still interacted with people, still kept functioning, fooling everyone that he wasn’t in direct danger. “I never want anything with you to be just trying, darling. I know it’s impossible for you to be able to just take my words as gospel now, but I want you to know that we’re not lying to you. We’re not paying you lipservice. You and you dad are my life now. I need you both at my side for my wedding day. My true, real, and special wedding day I’ve wanted my whole life. You helped me see that when I was running scared on it all. Having you here with me today is one of the most special things in my life. I’ll never forget it.”
Justin’s eyes were teary but stopped himself crying. He watched his mom’s face closely as she spoke, though. He wanted to believe her. He needed to, and finally - after it seeming like an impossible feat - he nodded and a faint smile played on his lips. Before he could answer, the store assistant came back with a dazzling smile, nursing another one of those dress bags. He drew in a breath, bracing himself. He didn’t quite know why this moment was having such impact for him. Maybe seeing his mom in a real wedding dress would make it feel real finally. Up to this point, it didn’t. Not even being with her when her side of the wedding party had come dress shopping with her all those weeks ago. It had been a fun day, without a doubt. She hadn’t gone with the first dress she initially saw and loved. Not now Paris was involved. Paris had been having a good day, and he brought out his sassy gay bitch streak full-force the day Gen chose her dress. ‘You’re Gen fucking Hart, there’s no off the rack for you - my fucking god, I’m breaking out into hives at the with the mass production cooties. Get your shit together!’ Justin had snickered at the time, because he had spent the morning on a mantra of ‘Nope, nope, nope, nope, ew nope, no that looks slutty’, etc. etc. Paris nailed it. None of it was, in essence, Gen Hart and in the past, she never would have settled for average. “Time to go show all these other brides how it’s done, Mom.”
Gen smiled, softly patting his cheek and then kissed his forehead. It just hit her in this moment that she was excited to try the final product on. The day of the wedding dress shopping, she had just been picking out pretty dresses, but nothing that was befitting someone who had status in the fashion world like she was. Ultimately, she went with a custom-made dress that Paris had sat in the boutique and designed on a sketchpad he borrowed off the designer who would ultimately make the dress. Watching Paris work, she had seen then where Amarlie’s design gift had come from. So much had happened in life that she had almost forgot Paris had this incredible natural talent as a designer himself. He had never directly travelled that route, even if it had been an ambition he had in high school. Instead, the magazine had taken off and being a CEO was where he ended up. Over the time, he had designed couture outfits for cover features or spreads in the magazine. As Paris’ hand had skimmed over that page like it belonged there, Gen had seen a look on Amarlie’s face she had never seen before. Complete mindblown awe, but it was a penny dropping that she had Paris’ genes, that even if the early days meeting Gen had been tough, this was her blood, her roots, where she had come from.
Paris hadn’t been able to make it to the final fitting. He was resting as much as he could to prepare for the trip to Australia and had a few bad days earlier in the week where they kept him overnight in hospital for electrolyte therapy. He would still see her on her wedding day when he and her dad walked her down the aisle. But Paris, too, had told her that she needed these special moments with only Justin. Having the wedding, remarrying the right way this time, it was just as much for Justin as it was Mark and Gen. Justin needed to have faith in the wedding as a whole process, not just them rocking up on the day and saying I Do. “Okay, let’s do this thing. Don’t run away now, kiddo.”
Justin gave her a smirk. “Don’t worry, I’m steering clear of pharmacies…” he said, shifting in his seat and watching Gen follow the woman towards the changing rooms. After sitting back in the chair head resting on the back of it as he stared at the ceiling blankly while he waited, his phone buzzed with a text message and he took it out to read it.
I love you. I know everything hurts, but I’m hurting with you. Just keep swimming, baby.
Justin’s eyes filled with tears and he hugged his phone to his chest. Sasha always knew the right things to say and one thing he never did was tell Justin it would be okay. Or that it would get better. All he did was let Justin know he wasn’t alone and was going through it with him. No one would ever really understand how important that was for Justin, and sometimes, that was all he needed to hear. He had to force himself to get his shit together because he didn’t want to be sitting in the middle of a bridal shop bawling his eyes out, especially when he was hungover and feeling roughly. He didn’t want it to turn into ugly crying where he made himself sick. It’d end up all over the internet and when he was sick like this, the last thing he wanted was exposure or people trying to get pictures of him looking at his worst and then speculating again the he was on drugs.
I love you. Sorry for scaring you <3
He watched the return text get delivered, and brushed his thumb over Sasha’s message in lieu of being able to hug him. Sasha’s reply was so quick, Justin was still staring at the previous message, remembering how lucky he was that Sasha came into his life.
Don’t be sorry. I get scared because I don’t want to live without you anymore. I’ll do anything to keep fighting for you to stay <3
Justin didn’t have time to reply because he looked up and saw his mom coming back through to where the surrounding mirrors were. Justin had deliberately chosen that seat to sit in because it wasn’t facing any direct mirrors. He didn’t like looking at his reflection when he was manic because he didn’t recognise what was staring back at him. He didn’t know who it was in the image reflecting back at him and it was confronting. Some people might not think your own reflection could be confronting, but it was to him. It always had. During those years of his life he was being bullied and constantly suicidal before he came to New York, he never looked into mirrors because it was a haunted and broken stranger looking back at him. But now, in a world where things weren’t as terrifying, but no less difficult, he fumbled his phone and dropped it onto the carpet when he saw his mom coming out in her wedding dress. He forgot about his phone and both hands came up to press against his mouth because it took his breath away. This was his mom - the mom who chose him as her son - who was going to marry his dad in just over a week. “Oh my god,” he gasped and then in the next moment, burst into tears that he had been trying so hard to fight back, getting up to go over and hug her.
Gen's dress had stunned her into speechlessness when she saw it on. Her baby brother’s beautiful design had become reality and she couldn’t believe she had this chance at a proper wedding in all that previous mess when she saw it. Paris hadn’t held back on the bling. He designed each intricate pattern of Swarovski crystals and because of it all, the dress was heavy, but she didn’t care. It was custom-made and fit like a glove. As soon as she saw it on, something really did shift inside her. Everything suddenly stopped being confusing and uncertain and she could picture herself walking down the aisle to Mark and Justin in it, with her dad and Paris by her side. She wished their mom was alive so she could see this. She would have been so proud. But instead, she had her son, who was struggling but still trying to help her understand why he wanted and needed her in his life. It was so unbelievably painful, but it was necessary pain. As soon as she saw the depth of Justin’s reaction, she knew that finally, everything was exactly as it should be. “Oh, sweetie. It’s okay. It’s going to be okay,” she told him when she wrapped her arms around him and smoothed his hair down, kissing his head. Then she stepped back a little so she could see his face. His chin cupped in her palms, she gave him a smile and brushed some of his tears away with her thumbs. “Are these happy tears, darling?”
“Yes,” Justin got out through a sharp intake of breath, trying to alleviate the sobs that kept catch in his throat. He nodded and smiled, glancing down at the dress. “Just… just… didn’t think this would really happen. Shit, there’s no one taking pictures of me, is there? There always seems to be someone with a fucking camera when I lose my shit.” He was trying to wipe his eyes too, but he was getting in a pretty snotty mess. It was a surprise the sales assistant was even letting him near an expensive dress like Gen was wearing, but that wasn’t her call to make. Just when he managed to get himself a little under control, he looked at the dress again and ended up breaking down for a second wave, this time his hands coming up over his face when his emotions completely devoured him. He couldn’t even talk this time. Everything he had been keeping bottled up since Gen’s return was tumbling out, coupled with the emotional stress he had through the week.
Justin was causing a little bit of a scene but it wasn’t a result of morbid curiosity. The onlookers seemed concerned and Gen requested a moment’s privacy from the sales assistant who pulled a lacy partition closed and closed this part of the store off from the rest of the sprawling boutique. She pulled her son into another protective hug against her and just held him this time. “In just one week, sweetie, we’re going to be that family you always fantasised about. It’s going to happen and I’m going to be the happiest mom to ever live because I have one of the most beautiful kids in the the universe as my son. But I think we need to just make sure it’s fitting properly in all the right places and get you back home to bed.” He had done well to even surface to get here in the first place, but her biggest job as a mom was to take care of her kid and he needed rest.
“No, I just need to… take some photos…” Justin was still a teary mess and his emotions did feel pretty shot. Being hungover didn’t help, nor did the fact his head didn’t know whether it wanted him to be depressed or manic. He was feeling around at his pocket for his phone until he remembered he dropped it back over near the chair. He promised Paris and Amarlie to get photos and even if that was before last night happened, he still wanted to keep his word. Only, when he got over to the chair and looked back at Gen, another wave of bawling hit him, to the point he was sinking down on the floor and burying his face in his hands because everything was feeling that little bit too overwhelming… even the happiness and relief at seeing his mom in her wedding dress. “Oh my god, it looks so amazing,” he sobbed.
Gen was grateful when the sales assistant came back to help. She obliged in taking some photos with Gen’s phone because Gen was reluctant to let Justin’s phone into the hands of any strangers. She was plenty tech savvy, but she knew people out there could be uber-tech savvy and might know a way to quickly distribute his phone number in a couple of swipes on the screen. She didn’t know what private stuff her kid had on his phone. He had it locked with a passcode and fingerprint recognition, but he was a teenage boy. There were probably dick pics and private conversations with Sasha on there, at the very least. This whole thing was never going to be a picture-perfect fairy tale, but none of them needed it to be. Reality was they had a sick kid and the crying was his emotional overload. The thing he probably needed more than anything right now was cuddles from Sasha and the quiet peace of his warm bed where everything around him could slow down and bring some peace.
The sales assistant turned out to be the sweetest lady. When she was bagging up Gen’s dress, she confessed she had been going to ask Justin for a picture and an autograph for her niece until she noticed he wasn’t feeling up to it. ‘He’s got none of his usual sparkle, he’s usually such a dazzling kid. We’ve seen Footloose seven times, you know’, she had said to Gen and Gen apologised, telling her he had a tough week. But with how respectful she had been of Justin’s space, she promised she would bring him back for a photo when he was feeling better. She was reminded once again of how Justin, in sharing his difficult story, had touched the lives of many and she really was so fucking proud to be his mom. She would stand on rooftops and shout it to anyone who listened, and she was glad she finally managed to see the light and get her shit together, or she would’ve lost him forever.
LOG, COMPLETE