Cruz Eros Quinlan (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
colourmefree) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
dreamlikenewyork2017-07-30 09:37 pm
colourmefree) wrote in dreamlikenewyork2017-07-30 09:37 pm
"Did you ever know that you're my hero."
Who: Cruz Quinlan and Hunter Alexander
What: Mon époux...
Where: Las Vegas, Nevada
When: Saturday night, after this
Hunter might have been with Cruz when he selected his own wedding outfit, but he could never have anticipated he would look this amazing. Cruz had chosen a red silk lace Gucci top with a black leather corset beneath it. It had been paired with very tight-fitting slender black silk pants with a fly that laced up with a velvet ribbon. On the face of it, it looked like almost a gothic outfit, but Cruz paired it with black knee-high heeled boots with roses embroidered up the sides, a ruby choker necklace and he was wearing makeup. Nothing subtle. Heavy smoky eye makeup with guyliner, deep red lipstick and red nail polish. His hair was chin-length now and he wore it loose around his face. Hunter was pretty sure he fell in love with him all over again as soon as he saw him arrive in the beautiful function hall that the wedding planner had transformed for them.
He hadn’t known how far Cruz was ready to take everything today, but he knew you didn’t just throw together a look like this unless you were feeling it naturally inside you. With Cruz’s latest revelation, Hunter realised right along that the signs were there from that first moment he met Cruz. Out on that high ledge of the apartment building, Cruz had been wearing makeup. Had more precipitated that breakdown? So very likely, now that he thought about it and now he had Cruz’s direct confirmation. Cruz eased into the whole thing weeks ago by framing it as a kink. It was never a kink. It was his identity, which he now finally had the courage to open up about.
Cruz was stunning. Hunter couldn’t take his eyes off him. Something just fell into place in that moment. Whatever they had been through, they still got it right. Even if all he had done was stick my Cruz’s side and hold him up when he felt like he could never get back up again. It got to this place, the day they were going to tie the knot, and to Hunter, it was just perfection. Their perfection. He also realised this was the first time he had seen cruz so whole. Just like that, in a simple twist of fate, something clicked into place. He knew then, before it even happened, that Cruz wouldn’t change his mind on being ready to come out.
It was a small and intimate wedding. The wedding planner had transformed the small event space into a cocoon of mystery somehow. Large vases overflowing with long-stemmed red roses, candles and fairylights used for lighting, strings of which were trailing up the makeshift red carpet aisle littered with red and white rose petals. There was a stunning crystal chandelier overhead and at the head of the aisle, two human-sized candelabras burning red candles. Even if there weren’t many people coming, it still looked like a beautiful wedding and not a trashy rush up a tacky aisle and married by Elvis. Hunter’s family, with Harry, who Brody invited along for a break away. Cruz’s band. A photographer and videographer. The wedding planner. The celebrant. The journalist. The band’s PR manager. Darius as Hunter’s Best Man, Brant as Cruz’s, eye-sexing each other since they arrived, which Hunter couldn’t help but smirk at. He was pretty sure Brody was accidentally eye-sexing Harry too, and having a chat to his little brother about how he was doing after what happened to him was already on his to-do list. For now, he just wanted today to be happy and memorable. For him, it was nothing but a forever deal.
Hunter handed the celebrant a note, with what were only some minor amendments to the vows, but that would never be minor to them. The song that was playing when they both arrived for the ceremony was Bloodstained Heart by Darren Hayes. Hunter had played it to Cruz while he was in hospital to emphasise to him that he was in this with him for better or worse, no matter how bad ‘worse’ got. He couldn’t take his eyes off Cruz. Besides the fact he looked so well in comparison to how he had been since he met him, he really did feel like he was falling in love all over again. And maybe he was. Maybe now that Cruz had accepted this within himself, Hunter was, in every way, falling in love with him again. It was around four or five more times that Hunter checked on the pronoun thing, because sometimes, it was the most important thing of all to some people. It wasn’t to Cruz. He just didn’t want to be called an ‘it’ and he didn’t have any sort of feeling like a pronoun would define him. It made sense to Hunter, because Cruz had a lot of complexities and rather than having his identity warring within him, coming out like this was more like owning the fact he was multifaceted, rather than just one thing or another. To Hunter, that was the most attractive part of it all.
As soon as he was close enough, Hunter reached to take both Cruz’s hands into his and smile at him. “You look gorgeous,” he told him, bringing a hand up to his lips to kiss the back of it.
They had chosen their rings together, and again, they hadn’t gone with anything conventional. Cruz had been drawn to a black gold blingy diamond ring set and Hunter’s a more masculine thick white gold band with two channels of black gold (to compliment Cruz's rings) and white and black diamonds. They weren’t just a perfect match style-wise, but also heralded the differences between them, suiting their own styles to a tee. Even once they decided to tie the knot simply and easily while they were in Vegas, they had planned to get Cruz an engagement ring. He said it hadn’t mattered, but Hunter wanted to. Even if he didn’t classify himself conventional, he still enjoy some of the traditional romantic gestures.
With Cruz this close, Hunter couldn’t take his eyes off him. His eyes looked so alive and intense. Dark with flecks of amber that looked like gold. The makeup brought them out. He was stunning. Never had Hunter been so glad he was pansexual than in this moment.
Cruz squeezed Hunter’s hands back, smiling. He was just as enthralled with how hot Hunter was looking. The suit with the red silk shirt fit him exceptionally well, and hugged all the right places. Even traditional and classic, you could see how ripped Hunter was through it. His dark colouring shone in the red and black too. Cruz wouldn’t have wanted to do this if it was going to be Vegas tack. He had the cash to pull something classy in a short space of time, so why not take advantage of that? There was more to this for him than just getting married because they could. It felt right. Every part of this process he was going through, he knew felt right. It was like a weight had been lifted from him and he was beginning to be able to think more clearly. And the more he thought, the more it lead him on this path where he came to the crossroads of whether to confess to Hunter, the love of his life, what was going on inside his mind, heart, and soul, or keep trying to waft along in life with his head barely above water. He was sick of barely breathing. He was sick of merely existing. He was ready. He was even more ready with Hunter by his side, with an arse looking that tidy in fitted pants that he would gladly perv on extensively for the rest of his life. “I love you,” Cruz mouthed to Hunter and then gave him a soft smile with a wink, a gesture of promise that he was good and he was having no second thoughts or cold feet.
The celebrant had gone over briefly with them when they spoke to her a couple of days prior that they only wanted simple, succinct, and nothing religious whatsoever. Not even a hint of religious ceremony or tradition. Neither of them were religious, nor had they ever been. They didn’t need a book of fairy tales to bless their marriage. They only needed each other’s blessing. Standing facing Hunter, holding his hands like he never wanted to let go of him, they listened to the classy introduction the celebrant gave. More than just something she plucked off the internet at last minute, it was tailored to their situation and who they were.
They hadn’t written vows. Cruz thought all along that if he ever got married, he would want to because he wrote lyrics for a living. It was his bread and butter. But when push came to shove, he didn’t want to and they decided them to wing it. Say whatever came from their heart, because wasn’t that what all this was about? What were generic wedding vows that had no reference to them? To Cruz, it was more than exchanging rings and signing a bit of paper to legally bind them.
When they got to the vows, Hunter’s mum was already sniffling and dabbing her eyes with a tissue. A quick glance in her direction, Cruz was reassured that she was happy and not mourning some massive mistake her son was making. She was smiling and blew him a little kiss with a wave. Cruz drew in a deep breath, his stomach coiled up in multiple knots that felt impossible to untangle. Still holding Hunter’s hands, Cruz closed his eyes briefly and took a few moments to brace himself. “I, Cruz, Eros Quinlan, wouldn’t be here with a beating heart or breath left in me if it wasn’t for this man, Hunter Todd Alexander. He saved my life. Literally. More than once. He talked me down from a ledge when I was so sure I wanted to end my life when everything finally got to a point where I had no fight left in me. Though, I think I gave up on life long before I met him. Then he was just there, and not only pulled me back, but gave me a reason to keep going. And then gave me reasons to keep getting up in the morning, and reasons to not feel alone and terrified of every next minute of life coming towards me…”
Tears welled in his eyes, fueled by happiness and pride of Hunter’s relentless hope. “And then this afternoon, he saved me again. He let me step off a ledge I have been fearful of looking over, and rather than letting me fall, he caught me and promised that he always would, no matter what happened. For a long time, it was a ledge I tried to ignore, yet one I teetered on the edge of, so sure that if I tipped over it, it would engulf me into a darkness of hatred and self-loathing I could never recover from. Would never want to recover from.” He held Hunter’s hands tightly and when he continued, his voice was shaky with emotion. “Today, I finally admitted to myself that I’m genderqueer. And I know none of you know this. I know none of you even really knew who or what I was on many levels. How could you, when I didn’t even know myself? When I was constantly running and hiding from it, scared for my life that it would destroy me and everything I knew because we exist in a world where normal is a static generic goal to aim for, and anything that doesn’t fit in that should be destroyed. But no one had the power to destroy me more than I did myself. And no one could loathe more than I have myself for a long time now, because I didn’t understand why everything inside me felt so wrong. Why booze and drugs felt better than feeling the reality inside me. Where I could step onto a stage and be something I wasn’t, and that was worshipped by a sea of faceless robots who have no say in who I really am unless I give them the power to…”
With a smile at Hunter, he let the tears brim and then slip down his cheeks. “And you know what he said to me when I told him? He told me I was perfect to him. He told me that even everything I see as a flaw is still perfect to him. That’s how I’ve felt. Flawed and damaged. Unworthy of a normal space to breathe normal air. In that moment, it was like I could breathe again. It was like I could hope again, and there was no terror in what was to come. So, this man… this amazing, beautiful, selfless hero who has saved my life more than once, I take you to be my husband. For better, worse, sickness, health, life, death, heart-beating, breathing, out of the closet and not in, living together openly and proudly. Forever, for however long our forever together is.”
It wasn’t just Hunter’s mom who was crying. Darius had started soon after and there was nothing subtle about Darius’ happy cries. Hearing that, seeing the tears in Cruz’s eyes, Hunter was getting teary himself. He knew why Cruz was a lyricist. Poetics were in his blood and he saw the world in ways people without art within them and innate creativity could. Hunter was shaky with happy emotion, because he had never felt like this before. It probably wasn’t something you did feel until you faced a life-changing moment for this. He was so sure Cruz would back out because it was too much for him to cope with, or he would realise before this point he wasn’t ready yet. And that would have been okay. That would always be okay for Hunter, because it didn’t matter how they lived life, just so long as he got to keep Cruz in it beside him. But in one moment, just like that, Cruz had taken the massive life-changing leap that had nothing to do with putting a ring on it.
“I am so fucking proud of you,” Hunter had to say first with a tearful laugh. It wasn’t a formal start to wedding vows, but it was beating every other feeling inside him at that moment. His family and Cruz’s family (his band were his family, if even if had kept them at a distance for so long) all laughed with him. He didn’t care about tradition when he pulled Cruz into a kiss and a squeezing hug either, causing Brody to issue a happy wolf-whistle, jumping up and down excitedly with Harry. He reluctantly released the hug, but still clung to Cruz’s hands because they felt right within his, just like how right they felt within each other making love. That was for later, with no audience. “You know what, I could just stick to the boring stuff and say I Do and get this over with because there is so much to celebrate today. But I can’t just stand here and let my man shove all his strength and courage onto me. He forgets how much of an integral part he played being strong enough to keep living, but that’s okay. He doesn’t have to remember that every day, because I’m here to remind him as much as he needs to…”
He wet his lips, glancing at his family with a smile and then looking back to Cruz. “He’s not the only one who made revelations about themselves simply by our lives merging. If it wasn’t for him, I may never have realised I’m pansexual. I might have just wafted through life completely oblivious to what I needed to fulfil it, and what I was really feeling. But he did. There was an unexplainable instant connection with us, and I can’t say it has all been easy. It’s been one of the hardest times of my life, and I’ve spent many days these last few months so terrified I was going to lose him right when I found him. Because he didn’t want to keep living the life he was. He was running scared and he was so broken inside, it was impossible for him to see that he could be fixed. I could never have given up on him. I don’t have enough words to explain how much I love him. But I, in no way, was the only strong person in this equation. We were strong together, so that is double the strength. I will keep holding onto him whenever he needs, and I will keep loving every single part of the beautiful multifaceted person he is. He’s too special to be two-dimensional. We’re going to have challenges, baby. We’re going to have pain and heartache. We’re going to face things we don’t want, and we’re going to hurt together. But we’re also going to laugh together until we cry, and we’re going to make love like the rest of the world exists. Sorry, Mom and Dad. Don’t worry, we’re safe,” he added, throwing a smirk at his parents. “And all that is why why I, Hunter Todd Alexander, take you, Cruz Eros Quinlan, to be my spouse, my partner, my époux… for better, worse, sickness, health, life, death, heart-beating, breathing, out of the closet and not in, living together openly and proudly. Forever, for however long our forever together is. Don’t worry, Brodes, you can Google what that means later.”
Brody snorted in amusement, because both he and Harry had tried to discreetly whip their phones out to Google époux. There had been just one gendered thing Cruz didn’t want to just accept the traditional for. He didn’t just want to be termed ‘husband’, because the shortened ‘hubby’ or ‘husbee’ made him cringe. As far as he was concerned, it was as bad as ‘bae’ and ‘boo’. He loved that Hunter was going to be his husband (but he would never shorten it), but he didn’t think he would feel like one personally. They talked about that while they were shopping and choosing rings. Cruz said that in French, the word époux is genderless. It means spouse, husband and wife together, or partners. As as result, they both got it engraved on the inside of their rings with two linked hearts. Hunter thought it was one of the most beautiful terms he had ever heard, and it fit Cruz perfectly.
The celebrant was even a little teary by this point. She was a fan of Cruz’s and the band… not because she was a screaming fangirl, but because the lyrics of a couple of songs Cruz had written helped her through the death of her mother. She said she would be honoured to marry them, but this was one epic day of exposure, so she was learning things about Cruz that had never been made public before now. Soon, it would all be out in the open with an exclusive interview and wedding photographs in a magazine by the journalist, and the money he was being paid for it, he was donating straight to Shades of Violet. He wanted to present the cheque directly to Justin because the night he had heard Justin speak, Cruz said changed something inside him and gave him the courage to work towards his own goals of coming out in the public eye like Justin had. He wanted the cash to help other young people facing the pain he had.
“Darius, Brant, can we have the rings?” the celebrant prompted, smiling.
“You’re going to blind people with this, darling,” Darius offered, handing Cruz’s rings to his twin brother. He didn’t leave it at that. He stepped up and pulled and Hunter into a protective, lingering hug. “Thanks for picking an epic brother-in-law, Hunt.”
Brant came up to Cruz with Hunter’s ring. He hesitated, seemingly like he was trying to decide whether to say something. And then, “Always thought you were hot in a dress, love.” He kissed Cruz’s cheek and then patted his back. “Proud of you. We all are.”
With the ring clutched between his fingers, Cruz’s gaze followed Brant back to where he was standing with the other guys. He knew he had been scared of their reactions to all of this. This was the first he had been able to get the balls to look at them. They were all smiling, arms around each other’s shoulders. There would be a lot to talk about, especially before he gave the official interview about his coming out, not just as gay like initially anticipated, but as queer and married to a man. Suddenly, he didn’t feel so anxious about it. There would be soul-searching and heart-to-hearts, but so long overdue, without a shadow of doubt.
“Cruz, placing the ring on Hunter’s finger, repeat after me,” the celebrant prompted. “I, Cruz Eros Quinlan, with this ring, marry you with my whole heart, body and soul, and join my life to yours as your partner for life.”
“I, Cruz Eros Quinlan, with this ring, marry you with my whole heart, body and soul, and join my life to yours as your partner for life…” Cruz slipped ring onto Hunter’s finger. It was a perfect fit, without any resistance. He took a moment to admire it on Hunter’s finger, and everything it symbolised.
“Hunter,” she said.
Hunter nodded, taking Cruz’s hand into his, sliding the ring into place. They were definitely large on Cruz’s slender fingers, but flashy and proud, just like he knew Cruz was inside. “I, Hunter Todd Alexander, with this ring, marry you with my whole heart, body and soul, and join my life to yours as your partner for life.”
“And with the power invested in me by the state of Nevada, I now pronounce you partners for life. You may kiss your époux,” the celebrant said, throwing Hunter a bright smile.
Hunter swept Cruz into his arms without hesitation and kissed him deeply, and next thing they knew, they were engulfed in a massive group hug by their now-joint family. If ever there was a perfect blessing, that was it right there.
LOG, COMPLETE
What: Mon époux...
Where: Las Vegas, Nevada
When: Saturday night, after this
Hunter might have been with Cruz when he selected his own wedding outfit, but he could never have anticipated he would look this amazing. Cruz had chosen a red silk lace Gucci top with a black leather corset beneath it. It had been paired with very tight-fitting slender black silk pants with a fly that laced up with a velvet ribbon. On the face of it, it looked like almost a gothic outfit, but Cruz paired it with black knee-high heeled boots with roses embroidered up the sides, a ruby choker necklace and he was wearing makeup. Nothing subtle. Heavy smoky eye makeup with guyliner, deep red lipstick and red nail polish. His hair was chin-length now and he wore it loose around his face. Hunter was pretty sure he fell in love with him all over again as soon as he saw him arrive in the beautiful function hall that the wedding planner had transformed for them.
He hadn’t known how far Cruz was ready to take everything today, but he knew you didn’t just throw together a look like this unless you were feeling it naturally inside you. With Cruz’s latest revelation, Hunter realised right along that the signs were there from that first moment he met Cruz. Out on that high ledge of the apartment building, Cruz had been wearing makeup. Had more precipitated that breakdown? So very likely, now that he thought about it and now he had Cruz’s direct confirmation. Cruz eased into the whole thing weeks ago by framing it as a kink. It was never a kink. It was his identity, which he now finally had the courage to open up about.
Cruz was stunning. Hunter couldn’t take his eyes off him. Something just fell into place in that moment. Whatever they had been through, they still got it right. Even if all he had done was stick my Cruz’s side and hold him up when he felt like he could never get back up again. It got to this place, the day they were going to tie the knot, and to Hunter, it was just perfection. Their perfection. He also realised this was the first time he had seen cruz so whole. Just like that, in a simple twist of fate, something clicked into place. He knew then, before it even happened, that Cruz wouldn’t change his mind on being ready to come out.
It was a small and intimate wedding. The wedding planner had transformed the small event space into a cocoon of mystery somehow. Large vases overflowing with long-stemmed red roses, candles and fairylights used for lighting, strings of which were trailing up the makeshift red carpet aisle littered with red and white rose petals. There was a stunning crystal chandelier overhead and at the head of the aisle, two human-sized candelabras burning red candles. Even if there weren’t many people coming, it still looked like a beautiful wedding and not a trashy rush up a tacky aisle and married by Elvis. Hunter’s family, with Harry, who Brody invited along for a break away. Cruz’s band. A photographer and videographer. The wedding planner. The celebrant. The journalist. The band’s PR manager. Darius as Hunter’s Best Man, Brant as Cruz’s, eye-sexing each other since they arrived, which Hunter couldn’t help but smirk at. He was pretty sure Brody was accidentally eye-sexing Harry too, and having a chat to his little brother about how he was doing after what happened to him was already on his to-do list. For now, he just wanted today to be happy and memorable. For him, it was nothing but a forever deal.
Hunter handed the celebrant a note, with what were only some minor amendments to the vows, but that would never be minor to them. The song that was playing when they both arrived for the ceremony was Bloodstained Heart by Darren Hayes. Hunter had played it to Cruz while he was in hospital to emphasise to him that he was in this with him for better or worse, no matter how bad ‘worse’ got. He couldn’t take his eyes off Cruz. Besides the fact he looked so well in comparison to how he had been since he met him, he really did feel like he was falling in love all over again. And maybe he was. Maybe now that Cruz had accepted this within himself, Hunter was, in every way, falling in love with him again. It was around four or five more times that Hunter checked on the pronoun thing, because sometimes, it was the most important thing of all to some people. It wasn’t to Cruz. He just didn’t want to be called an ‘it’ and he didn’t have any sort of feeling like a pronoun would define him. It made sense to Hunter, because Cruz had a lot of complexities and rather than having his identity warring within him, coming out like this was more like owning the fact he was multifaceted, rather than just one thing or another. To Hunter, that was the most attractive part of it all.
As soon as he was close enough, Hunter reached to take both Cruz’s hands into his and smile at him. “You look gorgeous,” he told him, bringing a hand up to his lips to kiss the back of it.
They had chosen their rings together, and again, they hadn’t gone with anything conventional. Cruz had been drawn to a black gold blingy diamond ring set and Hunter’s a more masculine thick white gold band with two channels of black gold (to compliment Cruz's rings) and white and black diamonds. They weren’t just a perfect match style-wise, but also heralded the differences between them, suiting their own styles to a tee. Even once they decided to tie the knot simply and easily while they were in Vegas, they had planned to get Cruz an engagement ring. He said it hadn’t mattered, but Hunter wanted to. Even if he didn’t classify himself conventional, he still enjoy some of the traditional romantic gestures.
With Cruz this close, Hunter couldn’t take his eyes off him. His eyes looked so alive and intense. Dark with flecks of amber that looked like gold. The makeup brought them out. He was stunning. Never had Hunter been so glad he was pansexual than in this moment.
Cruz squeezed Hunter’s hands back, smiling. He was just as enthralled with how hot Hunter was looking. The suit with the red silk shirt fit him exceptionally well, and hugged all the right places. Even traditional and classic, you could see how ripped Hunter was through it. His dark colouring shone in the red and black too. Cruz wouldn’t have wanted to do this if it was going to be Vegas tack. He had the cash to pull something classy in a short space of time, so why not take advantage of that? There was more to this for him than just getting married because they could. It felt right. Every part of this process he was going through, he knew felt right. It was like a weight had been lifted from him and he was beginning to be able to think more clearly. And the more he thought, the more it lead him on this path where he came to the crossroads of whether to confess to Hunter, the love of his life, what was going on inside his mind, heart, and soul, or keep trying to waft along in life with his head barely above water. He was sick of barely breathing. He was sick of merely existing. He was ready. He was even more ready with Hunter by his side, with an arse looking that tidy in fitted pants that he would gladly perv on extensively for the rest of his life. “I love you,” Cruz mouthed to Hunter and then gave him a soft smile with a wink, a gesture of promise that he was good and he was having no second thoughts or cold feet.
The celebrant had gone over briefly with them when they spoke to her a couple of days prior that they only wanted simple, succinct, and nothing religious whatsoever. Not even a hint of religious ceremony or tradition. Neither of them were religious, nor had they ever been. They didn’t need a book of fairy tales to bless their marriage. They only needed each other’s blessing. Standing facing Hunter, holding his hands like he never wanted to let go of him, they listened to the classy introduction the celebrant gave. More than just something she plucked off the internet at last minute, it was tailored to their situation and who they were.
They hadn’t written vows. Cruz thought all along that if he ever got married, he would want to because he wrote lyrics for a living. It was his bread and butter. But when push came to shove, he didn’t want to and they decided them to wing it. Say whatever came from their heart, because wasn’t that what all this was about? What were generic wedding vows that had no reference to them? To Cruz, it was more than exchanging rings and signing a bit of paper to legally bind them.
When they got to the vows, Hunter’s mum was already sniffling and dabbing her eyes with a tissue. A quick glance in her direction, Cruz was reassured that she was happy and not mourning some massive mistake her son was making. She was smiling and blew him a little kiss with a wave. Cruz drew in a deep breath, his stomach coiled up in multiple knots that felt impossible to untangle. Still holding Hunter’s hands, Cruz closed his eyes briefly and took a few moments to brace himself. “I, Cruz, Eros Quinlan, wouldn’t be here with a beating heart or breath left in me if it wasn’t for this man, Hunter Todd Alexander. He saved my life. Literally. More than once. He talked me down from a ledge when I was so sure I wanted to end my life when everything finally got to a point where I had no fight left in me. Though, I think I gave up on life long before I met him. Then he was just there, and not only pulled me back, but gave me a reason to keep going. And then gave me reasons to keep getting up in the morning, and reasons to not feel alone and terrified of every next minute of life coming towards me…”
Tears welled in his eyes, fueled by happiness and pride of Hunter’s relentless hope. “And then this afternoon, he saved me again. He let me step off a ledge I have been fearful of looking over, and rather than letting me fall, he caught me and promised that he always would, no matter what happened. For a long time, it was a ledge I tried to ignore, yet one I teetered on the edge of, so sure that if I tipped over it, it would engulf me into a darkness of hatred and self-loathing I could never recover from. Would never want to recover from.” He held Hunter’s hands tightly and when he continued, his voice was shaky with emotion. “Today, I finally admitted to myself that I’m genderqueer. And I know none of you know this. I know none of you even really knew who or what I was on many levels. How could you, when I didn’t even know myself? When I was constantly running and hiding from it, scared for my life that it would destroy me and everything I knew because we exist in a world where normal is a static generic goal to aim for, and anything that doesn’t fit in that should be destroyed. But no one had the power to destroy me more than I did myself. And no one could loathe more than I have myself for a long time now, because I didn’t understand why everything inside me felt so wrong. Why booze and drugs felt better than feeling the reality inside me. Where I could step onto a stage and be something I wasn’t, and that was worshipped by a sea of faceless robots who have no say in who I really am unless I give them the power to…”
With a smile at Hunter, he let the tears brim and then slip down his cheeks. “And you know what he said to me when I told him? He told me I was perfect to him. He told me that even everything I see as a flaw is still perfect to him. That’s how I’ve felt. Flawed and damaged. Unworthy of a normal space to breathe normal air. In that moment, it was like I could breathe again. It was like I could hope again, and there was no terror in what was to come. So, this man… this amazing, beautiful, selfless hero who has saved my life more than once, I take you to be my husband. For better, worse, sickness, health, life, death, heart-beating, breathing, out of the closet and not in, living together openly and proudly. Forever, for however long our forever together is.”
It wasn’t just Hunter’s mom who was crying. Darius had started soon after and there was nothing subtle about Darius’ happy cries. Hearing that, seeing the tears in Cruz’s eyes, Hunter was getting teary himself. He knew why Cruz was a lyricist. Poetics were in his blood and he saw the world in ways people without art within them and innate creativity could. Hunter was shaky with happy emotion, because he had never felt like this before. It probably wasn’t something you did feel until you faced a life-changing moment for this. He was so sure Cruz would back out because it was too much for him to cope with, or he would realise before this point he wasn’t ready yet. And that would have been okay. That would always be okay for Hunter, because it didn’t matter how they lived life, just so long as he got to keep Cruz in it beside him. But in one moment, just like that, Cruz had taken the massive life-changing leap that had nothing to do with putting a ring on it.
“I am so fucking proud of you,” Hunter had to say first with a tearful laugh. It wasn’t a formal start to wedding vows, but it was beating every other feeling inside him at that moment. His family and Cruz’s family (his band were his family, if even if had kept them at a distance for so long) all laughed with him. He didn’t care about tradition when he pulled Cruz into a kiss and a squeezing hug either, causing Brody to issue a happy wolf-whistle, jumping up and down excitedly with Harry. He reluctantly released the hug, but still clung to Cruz’s hands because they felt right within his, just like how right they felt within each other making love. That was for later, with no audience. “You know what, I could just stick to the boring stuff and say I Do and get this over with because there is so much to celebrate today. But I can’t just stand here and let my man shove all his strength and courage onto me. He forgets how much of an integral part he played being strong enough to keep living, but that’s okay. He doesn’t have to remember that every day, because I’m here to remind him as much as he needs to…”
He wet his lips, glancing at his family with a smile and then looking back to Cruz. “He’s not the only one who made revelations about themselves simply by our lives merging. If it wasn’t for him, I may never have realised I’m pansexual. I might have just wafted through life completely oblivious to what I needed to fulfil it, and what I was really feeling. But he did. There was an unexplainable instant connection with us, and I can’t say it has all been easy. It’s been one of the hardest times of my life, and I’ve spent many days these last few months so terrified I was going to lose him right when I found him. Because he didn’t want to keep living the life he was. He was running scared and he was so broken inside, it was impossible for him to see that he could be fixed. I could never have given up on him. I don’t have enough words to explain how much I love him. But I, in no way, was the only strong person in this equation. We were strong together, so that is double the strength. I will keep holding onto him whenever he needs, and I will keep loving every single part of the beautiful multifaceted person he is. He’s too special to be two-dimensional. We’re going to have challenges, baby. We’re going to have pain and heartache. We’re going to face things we don’t want, and we’re going to hurt together. But we’re also going to laugh together until we cry, and we’re going to make love like the rest of the world exists. Sorry, Mom and Dad. Don’t worry, we’re safe,” he added, throwing a smirk at his parents. “And all that is why why I, Hunter Todd Alexander, take you, Cruz Eros Quinlan, to be my spouse, my partner, my époux… for better, worse, sickness, health, life, death, heart-beating, breathing, out of the closet and not in, living together openly and proudly. Forever, for however long our forever together is. Don’t worry, Brodes, you can Google what that means later.”
Brody snorted in amusement, because both he and Harry had tried to discreetly whip their phones out to Google époux. There had been just one gendered thing Cruz didn’t want to just accept the traditional for. He didn’t just want to be termed ‘husband’, because the shortened ‘hubby’ or ‘husbee’ made him cringe. As far as he was concerned, it was as bad as ‘bae’ and ‘boo’. He loved that Hunter was going to be his husband (but he would never shorten it), but he didn’t think he would feel like one personally. They talked about that while they were shopping and choosing rings. Cruz said that in French, the word époux is genderless. It means spouse, husband and wife together, or partners. As as result, they both got it engraved on the inside of their rings with two linked hearts. Hunter thought it was one of the most beautiful terms he had ever heard, and it fit Cruz perfectly.
The celebrant was even a little teary by this point. She was a fan of Cruz’s and the band… not because she was a screaming fangirl, but because the lyrics of a couple of songs Cruz had written helped her through the death of her mother. She said she would be honoured to marry them, but this was one epic day of exposure, so she was learning things about Cruz that had never been made public before now. Soon, it would all be out in the open with an exclusive interview and wedding photographs in a magazine by the journalist, and the money he was being paid for it, he was donating straight to Shades of Violet. He wanted to present the cheque directly to Justin because the night he had heard Justin speak, Cruz said changed something inside him and gave him the courage to work towards his own goals of coming out in the public eye like Justin had. He wanted the cash to help other young people facing the pain he had.
“Darius, Brant, can we have the rings?” the celebrant prompted, smiling.
“You’re going to blind people with this, darling,” Darius offered, handing Cruz’s rings to his twin brother. He didn’t leave it at that. He stepped up and pulled and Hunter into a protective, lingering hug. “Thanks for picking an epic brother-in-law, Hunt.”
Brant came up to Cruz with Hunter’s ring. He hesitated, seemingly like he was trying to decide whether to say something. And then, “Always thought you were hot in a dress, love.” He kissed Cruz’s cheek and then patted his back. “Proud of you. We all are.”
With the ring clutched between his fingers, Cruz’s gaze followed Brant back to where he was standing with the other guys. He knew he had been scared of their reactions to all of this. This was the first he had been able to get the balls to look at them. They were all smiling, arms around each other’s shoulders. There would be a lot to talk about, especially before he gave the official interview about his coming out, not just as gay like initially anticipated, but as queer and married to a man. Suddenly, he didn’t feel so anxious about it. There would be soul-searching and heart-to-hearts, but so long overdue, without a shadow of doubt.
“Cruz, placing the ring on Hunter’s finger, repeat after me,” the celebrant prompted. “I, Cruz Eros Quinlan, with this ring, marry you with my whole heart, body and soul, and join my life to yours as your partner for life.”
“I, Cruz Eros Quinlan, with this ring, marry you with my whole heart, body and soul, and join my life to yours as your partner for life…” Cruz slipped ring onto Hunter’s finger. It was a perfect fit, without any resistance. He took a moment to admire it on Hunter’s finger, and everything it symbolised.
“Hunter,” she said.
Hunter nodded, taking Cruz’s hand into his, sliding the ring into place. They were definitely large on Cruz’s slender fingers, but flashy and proud, just like he knew Cruz was inside. “I, Hunter Todd Alexander, with this ring, marry you with my whole heart, body and soul, and join my life to yours as your partner for life.”
“And with the power invested in me by the state of Nevada, I now pronounce you partners for life. You may kiss your époux,” the celebrant said, throwing Hunter a bright smile.
Hunter swept Cruz into his arms without hesitation and kissed him deeply, and next thing they knew, they were engulfed in a massive group hug by their now-joint family. If ever there was a perfect blessing, that was it right there.
LOG, COMPLETE