"When morning comes to Morgantown."

[englandrocks]

Who: Paxton Carlyle and Liam Morgan
What: Changes
Where: Liam and Paxton's Apartment, NYC
When: Day after this

Paxton woke before Liam, and in his sleepy daze, got a bit of a shock realise his arms were around someone. His moving hadn't disrupted Liam or woken him. It left Paxton lying there with his thoughts, all filled with what happened the night before. So much could change when Liam awoke in the cold light of day. Paxton knew all about Liam's condition. No matter what happened last night, that didn't mean it would progress to anything else beyond it. His gut was feeling unsettled at the thought, but there was no winding the clock back. He didn't want to do that, but he was distinctly aware Liam's emotions were shaky at the best of times, and he had been depressed lately. Flat, fatigued, on autopilot. He had asked Zander frequently if he had seen Liam at the hospital, and if he had, asked how he had been. Zander said their paths crossed occasionally, but Liam didn't work general shift hours. It could all depend on what trauma surgeries landed with his team. Every time he asked, Zander always punctuated it with, 'Call him'. Paxton always found an excuse why not to. None of them were valid.

He was aching all over because he would be well overdue for his pain medication. He looked at the clock on Liam's nightstand, and couldn't believe it when the digital numbers read 2.33pm. But the clock hadn't buzzed, so Liam mustn't have been rostered on. He knew Liam always set his phone and the alarm clock since he had begun to take medication to help him sleep. Paxton was okay lying there. He could hear Liam's deep breathing, and with his arm wrapped around Liam, he could feel the soft thud-thud of his heart beneath his palm. It was comforting. He didn't want to let go. Only, he foiled his own plan when he started to sneeze. Not just once, but six times, to be exact. By the time he was done, Liam was awake and had rolled over to look at him through squinted eyes and scrunched up face. Correction: he was barely awake.

"Shit," Paxton cursed and then sneezed three more times. "Fuck. Sorry."

Comments

[englandrocks]

"Liam, love, I understand and respect your genophobia. I understand why you have it. I'm not going to sit here and assume that just because we're testing the waters on something that it suddenly cures that. I know I don't have some... I don't know, magical healing cock or something. I still sensed your hesitation and I know you didn't want to get undressed. That's all okay. It's part of you. Every person on the face of the earth has good parts and bad parts to their existence. And this is... it's something I've been with you right through. Just like you were with me through all the shit I went through as a kid. What I'm trying to say, I guess is, that maybe I can be the exception to the rules. Not that, hey, let me have sex with you because I'm a friend and that makes everything fine. I just mean that I can stand beside you with the pain, and hold you when you want to be held, or just sit beside you when you don't. Your pain and suffering aren't roadblocks to me. The only precedent we have to work from is our friendship. Nothing else matters right now," Paxton murmured. He could hear the pain in Liam's voice, but it was something he had heard many times, and many times wished he could take it all away for him.

He rubbed Liam's back softly, listening as he unloaded his thoughts. They were thoughts he had probably been saddling himself with for a long time, but that was what happened when someone had survived trauma. Liam's depression had been flared up like angry infection lately. Paxton wanted to help him, and he hoped he could, at least a little. "I'm not joining a fan club. It's not signing up for anything. I'm already here, remember? It's not a different ballgame, Li. It's just switching fields, I guess. I've loved you forever. I know you're not a lost cause, and I really do think you can get better because you've been there before. It just doesn't feel like it right now. It will take time. Dating me won't change that. You just won't be alone in it."

[wannabesurgeon]

Liam nodded at what Paxton was saying. It was comforting, and he welcomed the reassurance because he trusted Paxton not to hurt him. It was hard to explain what his emotions were doing because it was new and uncharted territory. "I was thinking about how different life would have been if we dated in high school. I know I wouldn't have been raped. I might not even be here, in New York. Might not have gone to Med School. I know, that sounds like dumb shit to torture my brain with. The whole what-if syndrome. It was nice to disconnect and think about an alternate universe for awhile. My mind gets so slaughtered by the depression all the time right now, that it was a relief to think about stuff like that. I wonder how life would have been if I stayed in England. We might have just been happy from the get-go, and have this great life together ages ago. I keep waiting for this to feel wrong, but it doesn't. I'm not scared or lonely. That's been the worst of this fucking thing... feeling so alone. All I wanted was someone to sit by me and remind me I wasn't. You did that. You knew exactly when I needed it too."

He felt like he could sleep for weeks, but it was because some of the weight he had been carrying around with him was lifting. "We should go home to tell our families. I get so homesick sometimes. I want to tell them in person. We can do shit we used to have fun doing when we were kids. I know life is here now. For you too. I think it would be nice for us, reliving old memories and spending time together to figure all this new stuff out. When you can walk again, that is. In the meantime, will you come back here? I can take care of you. You can take care of me. This is... it's not all about me. Do you feel okay with this? You're not scared?"

[englandrocks]

Paxton laughed softly. "Yeah, life would have been a hell of a lot different. But I was so freaking awkward and shy about everything back then. I don't even know if I would have known there was any other way for us to be friends without risking destroying it. I had no idea about love or relationships back then. I think you still would have gone to Med School, though. That was your dream, and you worked so damn hard for that. That wouldn't be different in an alternate universe. I don't think what-if shit is dumb, especially not in your circumstance. You were badly hurt, love. He could have killed you. You were the last in a string he got to, and it was horrifically violent. You can't textbook case yourself. You're not like anyone else. We work out how to help you. You've been so ill with this lately. I've sensed it for months. Don't wait for the worse case scenario. I'm going to make sure that's not an issue. You're not alone. I'm always here."

It was surreal to be like this. They had shared beds countless times in the past, and cuddled too. This was different. This was exploring something new and trying to figure out how it felt. It was nice. "We can do that. I still haven't managed to shake the homesickness most days. Work's been a good distraction, and meeting loads of cool and interesting people. But since I got hurt and was out of action, it was harder to shake. I like that, though. Trip down memory lane, just have time for us. Consider me already back here. I'm not scared. We're going to be okay, love. That, I promise you. We're not going to shoot for perfect and awesome. We'll shoot for okay, and then see what happens after that."