dreamlikenewyork | "When morning comes to Morgantown."

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"When morning comes to Morgantown."

Who: Paxton Carlyle and Liam Morgan
What: Changes
Where: Liam and Paxton's Apartment, NYC
When: Day after this

Paxton woke before Liam, and in his sleepy daze, got a bit of a shock realise his arms were around someone. His moving hadn't disrupted Liam or woken him. It left Paxton lying there with his thoughts, all filled with what happened the night before. So much could change when Liam awoke in the cold light of day. Paxton knew all about Liam's condition. No matter what happened last night, that didn't mean it would progress to anything else beyond it. His gut was feeling unsettled at the thought, but there was no winding the clock back. He didn't want to do that, but he was distinctly aware Liam's emotions were shaky at the best of times, and he had been depressed lately. Flat, fatigued, on autopilot. He had asked Zander frequently if he had seen Liam at the hospital, and if he had, asked how he had been. Zander said their paths crossed occasionally, but Liam didn't work general shift hours. It could all depend on what trauma surgeries landed with his team. Every time he asked, Zander always punctuated it with, 'Call him'. Paxton always found an excuse why not to. None of them were valid.

He was aching all over because he would be well overdue for his pain medication. He looked at the clock on Liam's nightstand, and couldn't believe it when the digital numbers read 2.33pm. But the clock hadn't buzzed, so Liam mustn't have been rostered on. He knew Liam always set his phone and the alarm clock since he had begun to take medication to help him sleep. Paxton was okay lying there. He could hear Liam's deep breathing, and with his arm wrapped around Liam, he could feel the soft thud-thud of his heart beneath his palm. It was comforting. He didn't want to let go. Only, he foiled his own plan when he started to sneeze. Not just once, but six times, to be exact. By the time he was done, Liam was awake and had rolled over to look at him through squinted eyes and scrunched up face. Correction: he was barely awake.

"Shit," Paxton cursed and then sneezed three more times. "Fuck. Sorry."

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Liam got up, but only long enough to get his box of tissues from the top of his chest of his dresser, and pulled a couple of t-shirts from the top drawer. "Have you caught a cold?" Waking up might have gone down different if it hadn't been so sudden, and his mind had to rapidly scramble to catch up. Pax's sneezes were one of those things that intercepted his dumb thoughts right at the perfect time to deflect them. He hadn't felt a panic waking up with arms around him like he had done in the past. He hadn't woken up panic at being naked. Or maybe he just wasn't panicked because he wasn't stuck somewhere he didn't know how to cope being?

He pulled one of the t-shirts on, and helped Paxton into the other. They both took a trip to the bathroom together, because they had been BFFs since forever, so like they hadn't seen each other in the bathroom more than a million times. But then Liam went back to bed after he was done. When Paxton came back out, again sneezing, he patted the opposite side of the bed.

Paxton didn't have to be asked twice. He was still chilled, and the sneezing might mean he had caught a cold. To him, it was worth it. There was progression of some sort, but he didn't know what it meant. Liam not freaking out was the most relieving part. He left the crutches resting against the wall and carefully got back into Liam's bed. He was lying on his back because it was the most comfortable spot with this aching where his injuries were. Liam was lying on his side, and it took Paxton a few moments to pluck up the courage to meet Liam's gaze. "Is this the part where you tell me thanks for helping you again, but that's about it?"

It was what had happened in London when Paxton had helped Liam with his phobia of sex. Liam had topped, of course, and it had been sweet. Not easy, but sweet. It took a hell of a lot for Liam to overcome the fear and it took quite a few attempts to get beyond it. There had been no 'attempts' last night. It had still been slow, but Liam trusted him. He was just so sure that no matter how Liam responded, now it was past, Liam would friends-zone him again, because that was his comfort zone. But then, Liam had been the one to kiss him after Paxton got out of hospital, and Paxton had done the friends-zoning, so now what?

It was in those short few words Liam realised how he had made Paxton feel leaning on him like that in England. He hadn't seen it like that, and now he felt like a cunt for it. The PTSD meant he struggled to see many things beyond his own grief, especially when his depression was at its worst. Then for Liam to have turned around and said he was trying to sort things with Damien? What a mistake that had been. A hard and painful mistake to learn, that you try to live in the past when your present doesn't want to figure out how to turn back the clock. He should have known nothing would eventuate from Damien's return when it had turned stale in the past. It only all made him feel worse, and made him begin to yearn for something that was real again.

"No," he murmured and wanted to make sure he dug right down deep to where his soul had locked his heart up under secure lock and key. It was beyond those layers of trauma and depression, so it was never an easy feat. Especially not when the last times he had tried, his heart got broken. "I don't know if I should have asked that of you back then when I was so messed up. I was so sure it would cure a bit of something inside, when in reality, there was no easy cure for it. It just felt like that was the biggest road block to everything in my life. I panicked and you were the only person in the whole world I felt like I could trust not to hurt me at that point. It was fucked up. I'm sorry it hurt you. I didn't know you felt like this..."

"I don't mind that you asked me. It wasn't your fault it stirred feelings up in me. I thought just telling myself they were stupid because you wanted to be with someone else, and it was my job as your best friend to respect it would work. But... it was hard. Couldn't have anticipated how hard," Paxton admitted quietly. It was quite a confession. He had honestly thought he could be by Liam's side to help him get his life back on track, but his own heart went and got involved. "I don't know, I just... I guess sleeping with you made me realise we had a special force between us. Like, friendship force, not The Force. If you're going to whip Yoda out from the closet over there, though. Pride month would be a good time to do it. I can see him with a rainbow painted on his face waving his little Pride flag." He needed to joking. Joking it what they did. Joking pared the edge off the tension. He didn't want it to be tense. What he wanted was exactly what he was getting... being able to talk about what was happening, without it feeling like a dirty little secret he shouldn't have been partaking in.

He rested his hand on Liam's arm. "You know I'd do anything for you. If I didn't think I could do it, I would have told you. I think I've just felt something deeper for you for years, but didn't identify it. Zander thinks he could see it, and maybe he could. I just always thought it was because we had a special friendship. Even if I did identify it, I wouldn't have told you. You were with someone else. I just don't know if I could deal without feeling hurt if you decided you just wanted friends-with-benefits or something. I'm confused as fuck, Li. I have been since London. I thought it would go away. I wanted it to. Because that would have been easy."

Liam would need to readjust to having someone intimately close to him again, but when he felt an urge to kiss Paxton, he didn't brush it off. Beneath the covers, he shuffled a little closer to Paxton's side and experimented with a kiss that wasn't emotional-fraught desperation to understand, wasn't confusion, wasn't even with intention of trying to take anything further. He just wanted to kiss him. So long ago, he enjoy the simple things like kisses and cuddles. He wanted to remember what it felt like, but he also wanted to testdrive how it felt with Paxton. No, they weren't foreign to affection. Not at all. But there was a massive difference between friendly affection and romantic affection. They shared a soft and gentle kiss, closely followed by a couple more, the next a little more confident than the one before. Then Liam rested his head down on Paxton's shoulder and wrapped his arm around his belly, below his chest where his ribs were healing.

His thumb brushed back and forth over the bare, pale skin of Paxton's torso. He had lain like this with others in the past, but now all he wanted was to lie close to Paxton and focus on what was happening here. Not the past, not the future... two of the biggest forces in depression and anxiety. "Were you angry at me? For the choices I made, for not knowing how the hell I was supposed to feel, and for who? Because no matter what happened, you were always there for me. Not in person, but emotionally. You were there for me when I was raped, and all those fucking horrible months after it. Do you think anything would have happened with us if I wasn't raped?" The question were painful, and he felt the twist in his gut as he asked them. Painful, but important. He wanted to understand so he could finally move beyond this dark phase of his life.

If there was one thing Paxton knew, it was that it was vital he was gentle with Liam. Not that he would want to be anything but. Who didn't want that with someone they had feelings for? But it was a much deeper need for Liam because of his past. Paxton knew how damaged Liam had been after the rape. He had flown over from London as soon as he could get a flight, the same flight as the rest of Liam's family in London. It had been a fucking horrible flight. Everyone was trying to brace themselves for seeing Liam, but nothing could have prepared them. He looked like he had been destroyed. He was unconscious, barely recognisable through all the bruising and injuries, and a bad head injury from where the cunt slammed his head into the sink to dominate him and stop him fighting. It had been horrific and brutal. The nurse had said it was the worst she had ever seen in her career. So Paxton knew instinctively now what Liam needed. Liam could often react to confusing and difficult emotional situations in a painful way too, because he had PTSD, but Paxton could feel this wasn't that. It was different. Something was shifting in Liam.

"I'm glad I confessed to you. Even if I was terrified you would get upset or it might hurt you. That's why I had to do it now, before I lost my nerve." Feeling Liam lying in against him felt right, but he didn't want to jump any guns. They couldn't rush anything. That would be the worst thing they could do. After a rough few weeks for Paxton, this felt soothing. "Never. I could never be angry at you for any of that. You were trying to remember how to live when you didn't even want to keep living. You were trying to figure out how to normal again when really, you're never going to be able to do that how you used to. But... maybe? Anything's possible. Honestly, though, I know you were living the high life here before you were raped. You were thriving, in med school, loads of friends, happy. I couldn't even decide what I wanted to do at uni. I think you probably would have just met someone else and none of this came to light."

"At the risk of catching a cold or slipping on the wet ground? You're nuts, love. But... I'm glad you did. I think in that sense, just jumping in feet-first help reboot me in the right direction. I never let myself think any of this before, Pax. I don't think it was because I was scared it would ruin our friendship, but more because you have been one of the only things constant and stable in my life, and you've never hurt me. It was like a comfort zone, and I didn't know how to see it in any other light. Can we ruin our friendship after all this time, no matter what happens?" Liam asked. There was a hell of a lot to think about, and it would take staying on the same page to honour how they were both feeling. They had time, though. They could find their feet and realise they weren't the scared kids they were back in their childhood. They were adults, and life hadn't turned out how they could ever have thought it to.

He gave a little nod. "Yeah. You're right. I was a different person back then. Probably would have taken be ages to realise I wanted to settle down. Uni was freedom. At least, as much freedom as Med School could be. All this happened, though. This is who we are now. I want to try and see how it feels. It can't feel as bad as I have been feeling for months on end now. Nothing can feel that bad. You've only ever been sweet and kind to me. You've always been there and known what I needed."

"Yep." Paxton didn't hesitate in his response, because there was no point denying it. What start of... whatever this was going to be would be lies? It sounded nuts, but for him, the benefits outweighed the risks because suddenly, it just felt like far too long Liam had been suffering and in pain. It had been far too long Paxton had been harbouring deeper feelings for him beneath the surface, but thinking he shouldn't risk damaging their friendship over admitting it. Which is why his mind reconstructed it in another way, where he didn't even realise that was what he had been feeling. It had only begun to claw to the surface after they slept together in London, and then turned into a monster after Liam kissed him a few weeks ago when Paxton was discharged from hospital. "Well, Miles and Rhys didn't, right? Didn't you say you knew other people at your work who had been friends as kids and were now lovers? I don't think it's without precedent, right? Maybe for some people, that's the perfect reason to make it more. Like, we can't possibly be even better friends, can we? We've seen each other at our worst, and our best."

"You've always been the same person to me. Just broken. So, you don't do all that stuff anymore. If you weren't raped, we wouldn't be here, would we? Who knows where we would be? In a very, very different place. You wouldn't be the only person different, we all would be. All I know is that seeing how sick and depressed you've been lately, knowing you've been feeling suicidal, I have been absolutely terrified I would lose you." He knew it was a heavy confession, but Liam needed to know it. "I've always been scared, but lately, it's been because I felt like I might lose you without never having seen if there was anything more between us."

Liam smiled softly at Paxton's response, but he could always have faith in Pax being honest with him. Even in all this, when he had probably been trying to conceal a lot for Liam's sake, he still hadn't been able to keep going with it. And Liam was glad he hadn't, because he needed this. He needed the affection, and intimacy, and comfort. Maybe he had been needing it from Pax for a very long time, but he was so screwed up in his mind that nothing made sense. "Yeah. I know a few people who have taken friendship to the next level, and it worked out really well for them. I guess I just fear that I'm not in a general category. I have these... roadblocks. You know? All they seem to do is cause me inevitable pain, and make me lose anyone I care about. I'm scared. No matter how much I think we could probably pull it off, I'm still scared that when push comes to shove, it'll be yet another thing in my life destroyed because of what happened to me. So, their precedent feels like it doesn't really work for me."

He was quiet and let his eyes fall closed. "Are you sure this is what you want to sign up for? The trauma and depression shit? I know you, out of anyone else in the whole world, can cope with it. It's got to be a different ball game being a friend to someone with it than a lover. And I wish I could get better. I've been wishing that for years, but it feels like I never will." At the lull in his thoughts, the listened to the silence broken only by their breathing. There was something peaceful in the closeness, when Liam was so used to not wanting anyone physically near him like this. "Do you think I can get better? Or am I a lost cause?"

"Liam, love, I understand and respect your genophobia. I understand why you have it. I'm not going to sit here and assume that just because we're testing the waters on something that it suddenly cures that. I know I don't have some... I don't know, magical healing cock or something. I still sensed your hesitation and I know you didn't want to get undressed. That's all okay. It's part of you. Every person on the face of the earth has good parts and bad parts to their existence. And this is... it's something I've been with you right through. Just like you were with me through all the shit I went through as a kid. What I'm trying to say, I guess is, that maybe I can be the exception to the rules. Not that, hey, let me have sex with you because I'm a friend and that makes everything fine. I just mean that I can stand beside you with the pain, and hold you when you want to be held, or just sit beside you when you don't. Your pain and suffering aren't roadblocks to me. The only precedent we have to work from is our friendship. Nothing else matters right now," Paxton murmured. He could hear the pain in Liam's voice, but it was something he had heard many times, and many times wished he could take it all away for him.

He rubbed Liam's back softly, listening as he unloaded his thoughts. They were thoughts he had probably been saddling himself with for a long time, but that was what happened when someone had survived trauma. Liam's depression had been flared up like angry infection lately. Paxton wanted to help him, and he hoped he could, at least a little. "I'm not joining a fan club. It's not signing up for anything. I'm already here, remember? It's not a different ballgame, Li. It's just switching fields, I guess. I've loved you forever. I know you're not a lost cause, and I really do think you can get better because you've been there before. It just doesn't feel like it right now. It will take time. Dating me won't change that. You just won't be alone in it."

Liam nodded at what Paxton was saying. It was comforting, and he welcomed the reassurance because he trusted Paxton not to hurt him. It was hard to explain what his emotions were doing because it was new and uncharted territory. "I was thinking about how different life would have been if we dated in high school. I know I wouldn't have been raped. I might not even be here, in New York. Might not have gone to Med School. I know, that sounds like dumb shit to torture my brain with. The whole what-if syndrome. It was nice to disconnect and think about an alternate universe for awhile. My mind gets so slaughtered by the depression all the time right now, that it was a relief to think about stuff like that. I wonder how life would have been if I stayed in England. We might have just been happy from the get-go, and have this great life together ages ago. I keep waiting for this to feel wrong, but it doesn't. I'm not scared or lonely. That's been the worst of this fucking thing... feeling so alone. All I wanted was someone to sit by me and remind me I wasn't. You did that. You knew exactly when I needed it too."

He felt like he could sleep for weeks, but it was because some of the weight he had been carrying around with him was lifting. "We should go home to tell our families. I get so homesick sometimes. I want to tell them in person. We can do shit we used to have fun doing when we were kids. I know life is here now. For you too. I think it would be nice for us, reliving old memories and spending time together to figure all this new stuff out. When you can walk again, that is. In the meantime, will you come back here? I can take care of you. You can take care of me. This is... it's not all about me. Do you feel okay with this? You're not scared?"

Paxton laughed softly. "Yeah, life would have been a hell of a lot different. But I was so freaking awkward and shy about everything back then. I don't even know if I would have known there was any other way for us to be friends without risking destroying it. I had no idea about love or relationships back then. I think you still would have gone to Med School, though. That was your dream, and you worked so damn hard for that. That wouldn't be different in an alternate universe. I don't think what-if shit is dumb, especially not in your circumstance. You were badly hurt, love. He could have killed you. You were the last in a string he got to, and it was horrifically violent. You can't textbook case yourself. You're not like anyone else. We work out how to help you. You've been so ill with this lately. I've sensed it for months. Don't wait for the worse case scenario. I'm going to make sure that's not an issue. You're not alone. I'm always here."

It was surreal to be like this. They had shared beds countless times in the past, and cuddled too. This was different. This was exploring something new and trying to figure out how it felt. It was nice. "We can do that. I still haven't managed to shake the homesickness most days. Work's been a good distraction, and meeting loads of cool and interesting people. But since I got hurt and was out of action, it was harder to shake. I like that, though. Trip down memory lane, just have time for us. Consider me already back here. I'm not scared. We're going to be okay, love. That, I promise you. We're not going to shoot for perfect and awesome. We'll shoot for okay, and then see what happens after that."

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"When morning comes to Morgantown."

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