"I hope you'll answer me with patient eyes."

[ifeelthelove]

Who: Cassidy Cohen and Ajay Willis
What: Confessions
Where: Alice's Tea Cup, New York City
When: Saturday

Cassidy wished she wasn't so nervous about this, and she also wished she could put it out of her mind. It had been a week since she had gone shopping for a prom dress with Ajay and Sasha, and just another week until the prom itself. Her surgery was rapidly drawing near, and some days, it felt way too soon, and others, not soon enough. She was lost, and her identity felt like it was forever just out of reach. She still watched all her friends in beautiful relationships, and felt like she was too tarnished to be wanted like that. Merlin had been so sweet, but he was older than her and he was pretty sure he would get bored. She also found that her insecurities there were doing this weird thing where she didn't want to inflict herself on him and cause him inevitable pain and heartache. Self-deprecation was a horrible thing.

She had invited Ajay to tea. She didn't really want answers to anything, she just wanted to tell him something. She felt like she had intruded on his privacy and then chickened out telling him a week ago because she didn't want to embarrass him. Or she didn't want to out him, maybe? These days, she struggled to identify and compartmentalise her feelings. It was why she was in therapy more often again. It was either that, or land herself in yet another stay at Four Winds. She didn't want that. Okay, maybe that was partly why she had invited Ajay here. Because he was absolutely stunning. Gorgeous. Beautiful. He had this incredible talent for fashion. Not just on himself, but on other people. But there was that one glaring flaw, and all she wanted to know was how he managed to keep it all together, despite it.

Comments

[radioactivesadness]

Ajay assumed Cassidy was having second thoughts about the dress she chose, or she maybe needed a fitting before the big day. He had shared his cell number with both her and Sasha if they ever needed anything. Which was fine, he knew most of the kids in the bunch, and he always said he would help with anything if they needed it. It was how he felt about all his friends. But when he arrived and saw Cassidy sitting at the table she had selected, she looked nervous or upset. It was hard to tell not knowing her very well.

He couldn't say he was a fan of this place. Too much temptation to binge. He usually avoided cafes and dessert bars like this like the plague. He had gotten a little better since marrying Billy, who was a junk food lover, but since Billy's cancer, he had been watching what he ate too. Survivors tended to do anything to prevent a relapse and Billy was still in that 1-2 year post remission risk period. They said that time held the highest chance of relapse. He sat down at the seat across from her with a smile. "Hi, honey. Everything okay? Getting cold feet about the dress?"

[ifeelthelove]

Once he was seated and Cassidy was again across from him, looking into his green eyes, seeing his sweet and kind face, his gorgeous red hair, she felt her brain click over into that 'HOW DOES HE NOT KNOW HOW BEAUTIFUL HE IS?!' plea. She wasn't crushing on him. Not like that. He was married. She didn't crush on people who had a special person in their lives. But she admired plenty for their beauty, inside and out. Ajay just notched that up more than most. He was a mysterious enigma to her. She wanted to understand how his mind could betray him so badly, and make him feel the things she did. If that was what she had witnessed. She was only about, maybe, 90% sure, because maybe lunch just didn't agree with him. Maybe he was catching that funky flu Ari had, though he didn't look sick and she knew Ari had been knocked on his ass with it.

"Hi," she greeted him with a smile, albeit a nervous one. "It's not the dress. I mean, I'm not sure in general about the prom. The dress is beautiful, though. It's the most beautiful I've felt in a really long time, so I'm keeping it. To maybe where somewhere nice after my surgery, if I don't go to prom. It's... um... I just wanted to tell you that... the other day after lunch, I heard you being sick in the unisex bathroom. And I kinda just didn't know if that was..." She trailed off, not sure how to elaborate now she had bitten the bullet. Then she remembered Justin asking her about it, and why he did. "Do you need help?"

[radioactivesadness]

Ajay wasn't expecting that, and it was confronting. It would never not be confronting, but it was more along the lines of remembering not everyone knew of his illness. Some did. Some had to inevitably find out in his journey of meeting Billy, trying to get into a recovery phase, and working through all his worst demons that had nearly taken his life a few times now. Justin knew, but Justin was a kid that had a lot of secrets of his own. He wouldn't just sit down and talk about all of Ajay's private issues with his friends, because he understood those battles. What he couldn't deny was that he had been in a pretty bad relapse lately. He was doing his best, but it was a struggle.

He gave Cassidy a faint smile before he was lowering his gaze down to his hands resting on the table. No matter how much he did this, it still never got easier to talk about, because he struggled with anything focused on him where he had nowhere to hide. "An eating disorder? Yes. I'm ill, and I have been for many years now. I have help. But it's something I never quite escape fully, and sometimes it can come back and rear its ugly head again. It's honourable that you cared enough to want to ask if I need help, though. It's not really a massive secret anymore. Not like it used to be."

[ifeelthelove]

Ajay didn't deny it, which was proof that he probably was getting help. That didn't stop Cassidy worrying... and wondering. She didn't want to interrogate him, nor did she want him to think she was about to grill him. "Bulimia?" Maybe the confirmation wasn't needed. She heard him vomiting and he had sounded really sick. But when he had returned from the bathroom to their lunch table, you couldn't tell anything was wrong. He was poised and exactly the same as he had been when they were eating prior. She couldn't quite remember how much he had eaten, but he hadn't balked at the food. Then again, he had sorted it on his plate.

"How long have you been sick?" she asked and then hesitated. "You don't have to talk to me about your private stuff. Don't feel pressured. I get it. I really do. I... I've been struggling myself with that sort of thing. I've had this burning fear lately all the hormone changes are going to make be pack on weight and turn me horrible, when I already feel horrible enough as it is. Justin found out and confronted me. Staged an intervention. Boy's good like that..." he added with a slight laugh.

[radioactivesadness]

Ajay nodded slowly. "Yes. Relapsing bulimia. And it has caused many other health issues for me along the way. It took many years to be able to get to this place, where I can let someone else love me, even if I don't love myself. Some days, it's just more powerful than me and I have relapses. Which means I'm often on a two steps forward five steps back sort of life. Sometimes, it's from triggers. Other times, I'm just not well mentally. I have better strategies for coping now, and Billy's been incredible. But I'm far from cured. I've harmed myself for a long time. Now, I'm more conscious about it, and need to constantly shoot for having control over the control."

He waved his hand, but before he could continue, the waitress came over to take their order. He stuck to a simple green tea order, nothing to accompany it. He had pushed into another danger zone and was back in deep therapy, so he was trying to keep a hold on it. "It's okay. I don't mind. But are you asking me because you've had the same sort of control urges? Because if you have, you really need to get help, Cas. Don't fight it. It'll destroy you. Justin knows. He's known since I first met him. I've nearly died from it... multiple times."

[ifeelthelove]

Cassidy's heart was breaking for him, and she did feel bad for putting him on the spot like this. But he was talking to her, like he knew she needed to hear it. Hear that she wasn't alone, hear that something like this didn't conform to stereotypes. That was yet another myth in a choke-hold of stigma: men with eating disorders. It was horrible and unfair, because body hatred didn't stop at any gender boundaries. "How old were you when it started? I would never have known otherwise. You're beautiful. But I know that word means nothing when your mind is playing tricks on you. What sort of long-term health issues?"

"I... maybe? It doesn't feel the same as what you're saying. It's just more dysphoria. Some people don't realise that's just isolated to gender. You say dysphoria and some folk think it's this isolated concept to trans people. It's not, it can happen to anyone. Because gender has never been the only thing I've struggled with. It's my whole body, but it's not thinking I'm fat or seeing fat. It's fear the hormones will betray me and I'll put on weight and get even more deplorable than I already feel. Some days, I feel like a freak that no one will ever want to love. It's not even just weight either. It's like if I'm not completely focus with my finger on the pulse, I'll turn back into a boy. It's gotten worse lately," she admitted, and had to work not to start crying. "Like, I can't drop the ball this close to my surgery or something."

[radioactivesadness]

"About eleven," Ajay admitted. It was hard to say this stuff out loud, but Cassidy had just confessed to her own struggles with her self-image and self-worth so the onus was on him to be open with her. To help her by telling her his story, if it could help in any way. Just because he was sick himself, didn't mean he was incapable of helping others like him. It was always easier to help others than helping yourself, especially with something like a mental illness. He knew Justin first met Cassidy in Four Winds, so she had an established history of struggles there. "I had an abusive mother and sister who were cruel to me and treated me poorly so it impacted on my self-worth when I was already ill. Turns out that my sister isn't even my father's biologically, and he has not cut her completely out of his will, so I supposed it's karma. But I had my worst breakdown when I was about fourteen, when my body was changing and I couldn't do anything about it. Binging and purging became a vicious cycle for me. I hid it for years before anyone realised what was wrong and I hospitalised for the first time."

He nodded, but gave her a wry smile. "Body hate carries many names and disguises, Cas. But it's all just as destructive, regardless of what triggers it or exacerbates it. I know if I sit here and tell you that you're gorgeous and you don't have to be doing that, you won't understand it. You won't be able to just turn it off like a light switch because I threw some light upon your shady darkness. Mental illness doesn't work like that. I wish it did, or I could have been cured a million times over by all the compliments people have given me over the years. It's human nature for people try to heal with words, but words don't heal. It takes more than words. But words can often make it far worse. When I was at my most ill, those positive words used to make me hate myself even more, because that screwed up part of my brain would scream at me that they were just lying to me. If people think that's isolated to just trans people, they need to take their research beyond Google to real human experience. Many people hate themselves for reasons that span far and wide beyond gender identity. Same as you don't have an eating disorder because you're trans, Cas. You have one because sometimes, people get ill and not everything has a cause we can placate ourselves with and share cute little memes on Facebook to make us feel like we're making change. People still hated themselves for generations before the internet was invented."

[ifeelthelove]

"Shit." The word fell from Cassidy's mouth before she could stop it. Eleven was so young. He had practically been a baby! He hated himself that early? It was a timely reminder for her to have it emphasised to her that it wasn't only trans people that could suffer identity issues throughout their life. Ajay had experienced many of the same emotions, and it had nothing to do with gender. On the contrary, eating disorders were stigmatised as being a 'female' issue, so he probably had that battle as well. Plus abuse from his mother and sister, that sounded chronic. "Is it horrible of me to suddenly be thinking that you're like Cinderella? The beautiful person, inside and out, treated terribly by family when really, she was the most beautiful of all. Not to romanticise this. I'm sorry. How did you finally get help? Did it just get too bad and you were too sick that you couldn't keep hiding it? I mean, um... are you hiding it now? Does Billy know? I feel like I'm invading your privacy, but at the same time, I'm kind of glad I did it you need help. I thought maybe it was because you feel pressured working in fashion, but it's been going on a lot longer than that. Does working in fashion make it hard for you?"

So much truth in his words, and they were hitting home. Hard. It was easy to feel alone in your own issue. So much alone that you blurred your own outlook to others, and that could be a dangerous trap to fall into. There was a fine line between blurred outlook and self-centredness. Many people in this world got so tangled up in their own issues that they lost the ability to understand other people had them too, just in different ways. Of course different ways, because no two lives were ever the same, and no two people were triggered in the same way, by the same things, and on the same levels. There were many mental illnesses, but every mentally ill person experienced it differently. This was Ajay sitting here reminding her that even if she felt alone, she wasn't. And even if she was hurting, she could still be there for other people to help them with theirs. Her pain didn't dilute anyone else's. "Trans isn't a curse, it's a blessing. It's not life-threatening, it's not disabling. We're blessed to have ways to go forward, when somewhere nearby is being told they will breathe their last breath in a few months, or being told their child has been raped or murdered. I don't ever want to be one of those people so wrapped up in myself that I forget to remember other people are fighting battles too. I did so well for so long, but recently, it just all bottomed out from under me, because I feel like all anyone will ever want me as is a friend."

[radioactivesadness]

Ajay smiled, lowering his gaze and shaking his head. "I don't think I belong anywhere near a Disney story. It's been a pretty harrowing and ghastly experience throughout my life. The first time I ever knew what happiness was was when I met Billy. Even then, still some days now, I doubt it and struggle with the affection. But he's amazing and he understands. A lot changed in our relationship when he had cancer. It's awful to think about, but it helped me emotionally to focus on other things. I could begin to see things in a different light. But I would object to my mother and sister being the wicked stepmother and stepsister in the equation. They're horrible people. Vain, materialistic and superficial. It's sweet of you to say, though. Life can be full of cruel and horrible things. I think there was a lot of resentment because there was never any doubt I was my father's biologically. I look like him." It was a lot of questions she had, but that was okay. Hard or not, he wouldn't have a hope of helping her if he didn't give her insight. "I got sick and nearly died. I needed urgent medical intervention and admission to a special clinic. I guess I'm always hiding it, but I don't do well with any sort of attention. Fashion can hide a multitude of sins. Billy knows, but regardless of how much help I get, I'm not cured. Working in fashion makes it easier for me. Fashion is all concealing, smoke and mirrors. I'm comfortable there because the spotlight's not on me."

"Wellness isn't static, Cas. It can come an go. It's a slippery bastard too. Or you can be well on something, but not well on another. I've got health issues from the pressure I put on my system for so long. I have to keep paying the price, but you're right. I'm still alive, and I know the flipside. My husband had cancer, and it was only by sheer luck we discovered it. It could have turned out a hell of a lot worse." He paused, not sure how far she wanted him to dig, but if she wanted to talk, he could listen. "Puberty's horrible, and I can imagine even worse for you. But so is being a teenager. Some teenagers look like they're nailing it, but everyone has challenges, and everyone has pressures to conform and fit it. To date, to have the latest trends, to have friends, to get good grades, to fit it. You slip on any of that, it feels like you're failing. You're going to meet someone special, Cas. And they'll change your world. Trust me on that. I never believed it until I met Billy."