"Imagine all the people living for today."

[genderfailure]

Who: Zenith Novak and Asher Brennan
What: Abating the silent treatment
Where: Beach House @ The Hamptons, NY
When: Saturday night

Zenith knew he had never met a more cool bunch than Justin's squad. Although they were all different, they had converged as this tight friends group and loved and supported each other unconditionally. Zenith loved meeting them all, because he was a true believer in being yourself and not changing that for anyone. No one here expected that. They respected the differences, and cherished them even. And despite all the hardships they had suffered, no one was raging cunt. Not even close. No one was sitting there blaming mommy and daddy issues, or their past, or their traumas, for giving them leeway to act like a dick and treat others badly. It was refreshing, because there was so much of that fuckery in the world today. Too much.

They hadn't hit the ground running getting up to the beach for Spring Break. Zenith, Asher, Amarlie, Justin and Sasha had all driven up late the previous night after Justin finished work. It had been a near-silent trip. Justin and Sasha both fell asleep in the backseat with Amarlie, who had her earbuds in listening to music. In the front seat, Asher and Zenith (who had been driving) didn't say a word to each other, and the radio was down low so it didn't disturb Justin and Sash. Everyone was still up when they got there, but it wasn't long after that everyone hit the sack.

Saturday had been relaxing and chilled. Time was mostly spent chilling in the beach house, or hanging out on the beach. Some of the couples disappeared to their rooms to 'nap' in the afternoon. Zenith went for a walk alone on the beach. He had no issues being alone. In fact, he nurtured it. He didn't need people to be strong or to survive. He liked having people around him, but he didn't need them. Alone time was vital in ensuring you kept a hold of who you were deep inside, and to your individuality. He had a lot to think about too. He had found his thoughts recently drifting back to whether he wanted to have the more invasive surgery or not. He was still undecided, but it was definitely never too far from his mind.

In a lot of ways, he did want it, now he had gotten through the total hyster relatively unscathed. But at the same time, he didn't necessarily hate what he had now because it was him. It was what he had to work with. He never looked at himself directly naked anyway, because he didn't have to. With underwear on, and his choice of transthetics, it felt normal to him. And that was what it was all about.

Now, he was sitting outside on the sand just a short distance from the back porch of the beach house. The large glass doors had been pushed open, and everyone was sort of sprawled out in the huge living area or on the porch, listening and chilling out. Inside, Justin was sitting at the piano with Sasha on the bench beside him. Maryanne was standing next to the piano, leaning on it. Justin was singing John Lennon's Imagine, with Sasha and Maryanne harmonising with him. It was absolutely beautiful to hear, and Zenith was finding it emotionally evocative because it was literally his favourite song. Justin had an incredible voice, but the song was perfect for the mood. Sash so easily harmonising with Justin here was very symbolic of their relationship. That's what it was all about, wasn't it? At least, that was what Zenith hoped when the time came for him to date himself.

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[genderfailure]

Zenith felt like Asher's words had taken his breath away. They weren't what he had expected. So much so that he didn't know how he was supposed to react, and there were a few moments there he just stood quietly, gazing at Asher in the moonlight. The clear sky meant the moon could afford a little light. It wasn't pitch black and overcast. And in that moment, he just knew deep down that everything had changed. He hadn't been ready for it, but that didn't mean he was going to be a cunt and just palm it off like it was nothing. Because it wasn't wasn't nothing. He also had the luxury of knowing Asher for a very long time, most of their lives. He knew how huge it had to be for him to admit to this.

He took Asher's hand and let him along the waterfront to a short distance away on the dry sand. He sat down, not letting Asher's hand go so he would know it was okay to sit with him. There was a million things he could say, or multiple different directions he could try to steer the conversation. But this meant more to him than just straight up talking it out like general friends. They weren't general friends. They never had been. So, he put his hand on Asher's cheek and leaned in to kiss him softly. Though, maybe without rinsing his mouth and the gum, he might have taken a different route after the taco salad revisit.

[shadowdays]

It wasn't the first kiss they ever shared, but this felt different. His eyes had already fallen closed when he felt the familiarity of Zen's hand on his cheek. Zen was a really passionate lover, and he really knew how to use his hands. There had been times Asher had to field fucktard questions on social media about whether he could feel if Zen's cock wasn't 'real'. There had been a few times Asher had completely blown up and tore the dickheads a new one because they had no idea what the fuck they were on about. It had nothing to do with whether your cock was 'real'. It was all about the connection and the chemistry. How you achieved it was no one's business. Zen always just laughed and told him to forget about it. The fact they tried to guess and would never know was amusing to Zenith. He didn't care what cunts thought. That was one of Zenith's best parts. He chose not to give cunts any piece of him, real or fake.

The kiss was beautiful. As much as he wanted to know what Zenith was thinking, he knew that before the night was out he would. They had an epic fuckton to talk about, but he liked that Zenith's initial response was to kiss him, because it was a reassurance that things would be okay, even if it was changing. For as scared as Asher had been to say this, he felt stupid now for letting himself get so worked up that he puked. Amarlie was going to have a field day with that memo when she got it. By the time the kiss ended, he had his hand resting on Zen's knee. It didn't end quickly. It had deepened and lingered, but now Asher just needed to talk. "I'm sorry I'm fucking the arrangement up. I never wanted that to happen. I don't even know why it has. I just... we got here, and met everyone. Then went through that stuff with Justin. I know, this fucking sounds nuts."

[genderfailure]

"Who says you're fucking anything up?" Zenith asked. His hand closed over Asher's on his knee. "I'm actually really fucking relieved, because I thought it was something serious. I didn't know if you were changing with your new job, or if you were out there meeting a whole pile of new people and didn't have room for us. See? All this shit, it can go two ways when you don't talk it out. I might know you better than I know myself sometimes, but that doesn't mean I can read your mind or your thoughts. I wouldn't want to either. You're you, I'm me. Who wants to live in each other's pockets so much you literally start turning into each other? Because you know what happens with that? It means someone is losing parts of themselves to achieve it. I means it's destroying you."

He shook his head. "So, that's why you were sick? You were scared to talk to me? I don't want you to ever be scared to talk to me again. That's the arrangement we had. So, we're friends who have sex, and we've been doing it for awhile. That was no binding contractual agreement. We're going to go through processes coming here. Changes and shit. The only reason I haven't talked about what's supposed to go on between us now we're growing up is because I thought it was what you wanted. So, if not that, what do you want? You want to give this dating thing a go? You want us to take a shot at being exclusive? No one else? You just have to tell me, I'll delete Grindr. I'll leave all the trans social networks. I don't think we can know for sure what any feelings are, though, until we test drive them both know what we're doing. I might just be your safety blanket, you know. Let's figure it out together."

[shadowdays]

Asher shrugged, shaking his head while he tugged his lips to the side and gazed out at the ocean. "Not changing. I don't think I've really changed at all, it's just how I feel that doing this growing a mind of its own. I'm sorry you were feeling like that. I was, like... an accidental cunt. My head just got scrambled. I think it was seeing others in nice relationships. It felt like maybe we had something like that, without it being that." His hand went to Zen's cheek, and his fingertips stroked through his hair softly as he looked at him. "I don't want to turn into each other. I like you as you way too much. Like, so much that I'm falling in love with it. I want us to keep all our parts, no one giving up anything."

He nodded sheepishly. "Nervous. Scared everything would change. I've been working myself up with it for days, and every time I tried to reason out a way to talk to you about it, it was like I got all choked up and worried again. It sounds stupid talking about it now, but I don't want you to think it was because I didn't want to tell you. Or that... that somehow things are different now. That was the worst part. We've gone so long just doing our thing, and when it hit me I was feeling differently, I didn't know how to handle it. The jealousy. Fuck. It's never bothered me when you slept with anyone before, so to suddenly realise it was, I didn't know why." Listening to the options out loud coming from Zenith, Asher frowned a little, trying to work out the answers. "I, um... yes? Maybe we could just try it and see what happens? I'm just nervous that, like... me not being trans too, I won't be able to fulfil that part of you. That likes connecting with other trans people, hooking up with them. Like, I just have a regular old dick, that does regular old dick things. I was born a dude, and I don't want to do this and feel like I'm not enough for you."

[genderfailure]

Zenith laughed softly and shook his head with fondness. "And that's okay, babe. There would be something wrong if we didn't do some sort of evolving coming here to New York and meeting all these people. We weren't going to meet any of these guys and not have some of them impact on us. Their stories are incredible. They're all such sweethearts. None of them need us changing either. But I think in a way, we've all fought to be ourselves, on some level. We've all had challenges to overcome, but you know the fucking beautiful thing about these guys? No one is trying to change anyone. No one is sitting their shoving their own beliefs down anyone's throats. No one is getting offended by the differences. It's a fucking safehaven. Home was one, but here? We get to grow up and learn more about ourselves. So, maybe that's just what all this is? You think I'd be pissed your mind was changing? I'm not. It's fucking amazing. If anyone has a shot at being my soul mate, it's you."

He turned his face into Asher's hand a little more, and kissed his fingers. They couldn't get a better setting for this heart-to-heart. Which is exactly what this was. He knew that. Asher was laying his heart on the line here, and that was a terrifying prospect to face if you haven't done it before. "It's kind of hot you were jealous, you know. I feel cheated that I didn't get to see it in action," he joked, giving Asher a mischievous smile. "Your regular old dick happens to be incredible, and my favourite. Ash, none of that is 'fulfilling' anything for me. It's a bit of fun, with people I don't have to sit down and spell out all the ins and outs of transgender to. You know me, I don't want to have to be a walking fucking instruction manual just to have a bit of fun. I don't do it for fulfilment. I was doing it because I could, that's it. If I had to choose between that, or between what we have... come on. There is no choice. We have a brilliant sex life."

[shadowdays]

Asher gave some thought to the question, because it was the first time he was really having his mind prompted about the reasons he had been feeling like he had, not just feeling it and it being drowned out by a whole lot of confusion, jealousy, and anxiety. "Not pissed off. More like... you'd reject me, and then we'd shelve the FWB thing because I complicated it all. That somehow it would change all the good stuff we have, and you'd want to do things like giving up sharing a room with me. Then I had all these horror thoughts that we would start putting Amarlie in the middle of everything, and she would start to get pissed off. I don't know how to do this life thing without both of you. I don't want to find out either."

He was shifting so he could gently nudge Zenith to lie back on the sand, and then he straddled over him, taking both Zen's hands and lacing their fingers together. He looked down at him with a smile. "My regular old dick is getting hard thinking about filling you, just so you know," he laughed. Zen had always joked that the reason he kept Asher around to play with his dick. Best of both worlds, not needing to have one attached to him, but still getting the ample benefits. "Part of me was expecting you to tell me you were going to sleep with Cas to help her out. You know the weird part? I was actually okay with that, and I don't even know why, when I was shitted off about the other person." He leaned over and invited Zen into a kiss, smiling against his lips. "You're not going to get bored with me then? Think we can give the other couples a run for their money?"

[genderfailure]

Zenith didn't have enough words to encompass how good it felt to see Ash go from plainly nearly falling apart with anxiety to the point he made himself sick, to back to his normal smiley and content self. Zenith wasn't so naive to think all of this was on Asher's head. It wasn't. It was miscommunication on both their parts, and it was Zen's fault for not realising that their blow up probably meant there was a bigger fish to fry than Asher just being moody and bitchy. He felt bad about that, bu he also knew they had the strength to push through it. "I'm glad you told me. Even if it felt hard, I'd rather you puke and get it out of your system, then talk, rather than you holding it all inside and thinking you can't talk to me. You don't have to find out any of that bullshit. You're not losing either of us."

One thing he would never be opposed to was feeling Asher on top of him, or behind him, or next to him, or in front of him. He laughed. "Yes. Yes, it is. You do realise I'm going to fully objectify that when we get back to the house." He released one of Asher's hands so he could rest his own on Ash's hip. This thumb brushed over the bulge in Ash's pants as they started to kiss. Whatever they were talking about was forgotten for just a little while. It was important to reboot their connection. Zen loved kissing as much as he loved sex. He knew when they were back in their room, they would make up for lost time. Even as the kiss ended, he was nuzzling his nose against Asher's. "I might have, if she asked me. She didn't, not even close. Mostly, we just talk things out. I don't mind her interrogating me. She's searching for who she is, figuring out where she belongs. We all go through that. I don't think she's really the sort to lose her v-card with a casual encounter, though. She yearns for something like Justin and Sasha have. I think we can at least match them on even par. I'd never get bored of you, babe. You're my favourite. I missed you."

[shadowdays]

"It did. But you know what? The best things are sometimes the hardest things. Fuck, I don't know why I let my brain think myself into knots. I've never struggled to talk to you or Amarlie about anything, but it was going to change the whole dynamic and I guess I just got scared about whether it could really work or not. If we would lose something in the translation." Asher shrugged, and it felt good to be smiling about it now and hashing over it. Zen was so warm and familiar to him. Their bodies fit together like a glove, and they knew each other's most sensitive spots. They had the snuggling and spooning thing down. "I don't know, maybe we were doing the FWB thing wrong all along anyway," he laughed, stroking Zen's hair and looping a few strands it around his fingers playfully.

He grinned. "Please do. I think it's going through withdrawals. I jerked off so hard in the shower this morning fantasising about you washing me that I nearly shot myself in the eyeball with cum." The kiss was amazing, and even if it was only a light touch, Zen's intimate touch down below was really turning him on. He knew for many there was a question mark about how Zen did the sex thing, or trans people in general. But Asher didn't see it as any different. No, they didn't do it in a generic sense, but Zen knew his way around his own body, both the parts he was born with, and the parts he handpicked. And the beauty about the human body was that everyone had asses, no matter what anatomy you were born with. One of Ash's favourite things in the world was topping Zen. "Fuck, I'm thinking about you bottoming and my boner is actually aching. See what you do to me? See why I can't settle for just you part-time? I want you all the time, all over, every second of the day. I hope Cas can find what she's searching for, and I hope she has as great a first time as we did together."