dreamlikenewyork | "Imagine all the people living for today."

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"Imagine all the people living for today."

Who: Zenith Novak and Asher Brennan
What: Abating the silent treatment
Where: Beach House @ The Hamptons, NY
When: Saturday night

Zenith knew he had never met a more cool bunch than Justin's squad. Although they were all different, they had converged as this tight friends group and loved and supported each other unconditionally. Zenith loved meeting them all, because he was a true believer in being yourself and not changing that for anyone. No one here expected that. They respected the differences, and cherished them even. And despite all the hardships they had suffered, no one was raging cunt. Not even close. No one was sitting there blaming mommy and daddy issues, or their past, or their traumas, for giving them leeway to act like a dick and treat others badly. It was refreshing, because there was so much of that fuckery in the world today. Too much.

They hadn't hit the ground running getting up to the beach for Spring Break. Zenith, Asher, Amarlie, Justin and Sasha had all driven up late the previous night after Justin finished work. It had been a near-silent trip. Justin and Sasha both fell asleep in the backseat with Amarlie, who had her earbuds in listening to music. In the front seat, Asher and Zenith (who had been driving) didn't say a word to each other, and the radio was down low so it didn't disturb Justin and Sash. Everyone was still up when they got there, but it wasn't long after that everyone hit the sack.

Saturday had been relaxing and chilled. Time was mostly spent chilling in the beach house, or hanging out on the beach. Some of the couples disappeared to their rooms to 'nap' in the afternoon. Zenith went for a walk alone on the beach. He had no issues being alone. In fact, he nurtured it. He didn't need people to be strong or to survive. He liked having people around him, but he didn't need them. Alone time was vital in ensuring you kept a hold of who you were deep inside, and to your individuality. He had a lot to think about too. He had found his thoughts recently drifting back to whether he wanted to have the more invasive surgery or not. He was still undecided, but it was definitely never too far from his mind.

In a lot of ways, he did want it, now he had gotten through the total hyster relatively unscathed. But at the same time, he didn't necessarily hate what he had now because it was him. It was what he had to work with. He never looked at himself directly naked anyway, because he didn't have to. With underwear on, and his choice of transthetics, it felt normal to him. And that was what it was all about.

Now, he was sitting outside on the sand just a short distance from the back porch of the beach house. The large glass doors had been pushed open, and everyone was sort of sprawled out in the huge living area or on the porch, listening and chilling out. Inside, Justin was sitting at the piano with Sasha on the bench beside him. Maryanne was standing next to the piano, leaning on it. Justin was singing John Lennon's Imagine, with Sasha and Maryanne harmonising with him. It was absolutely beautiful to hear, and Zenith was finding it emotionally evocative because it was literally his favourite song. Justin had an incredible voice, but the song was perfect for the mood. Sash so easily harmonising with Justin here was very symbolic of their relationship. That's what it was all about, wasn't it? At least, that was what Zenith hoped when the time came for him to date himself.

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At first, it had just been Sasha and Justin sitting at the piano on their own. Asher had been lounging on one of the multiple sofas, leg draped over the back, and listening to Justin sing to Sasha. Sasha had soon joined in, harmonising with him, and others began to trickle in to listen. For the entire duration of this impromptu, relaxed mini performance, Asher stayed on the sofa, gazing out through the glass doors at where he could see Zen sitting on the sand alone. He had this internal battle inside him of whether he should go out or not. Every time he convinced himself he should, he got cold feet. That was, until Justin started to sing Zen's favourite song. It was like a sign or something. Did he even believe in signs? Sure, why not? He was confused about everything else, so something had to make sense.

He put his iPad aside and pushed up off the sofa. He headed out onto the porch where Fin and Shannon were swinging together on the porch swing, and after a moment of hesitation, went down onto the sand and sat beside Zenith. "Hey," he greeted him, hating how awkward he felt. Zen was one person he never felt awkward around. "He, um... he sings it really beautifully, huh? Did you ask him to sing it?"

Zenith only realised he had been lost in his own little world listening to the music when he was taken by surprise to find Asher sitting there beside him and talking to him. When the whole drawing straws for bedrooms had happened, they had been going to share a room together. But ended up sleeping in Amarlie's bed in the room she was sharing with Cassidy and Zara. The bedrooms were all generous, but Justin and Sasha got the master suite of the whole place because Justin often had disrupted sleep patterns. The second mater suite (yes, the place had two, it was that big) went to Fin and Shannon, because it was downstairs and equipped for wheelchair access. Asher slept in the bedroom alone the night before.

He looked at Asher, surprised he was even there after days on end of awkward silent treatment. He nodded. "He does, but I didn't ask for it. Just... kismet, maybe. Who knows? It's nice, though. I like the slower version with the harmonies." He was wetting his lips then, not sure if he should push for any further conversation, even if Ash was making the first move here. But finally, "What the fuck have I done to shit you off?"

Asher came out to talk, and with Zenith going right in for the kill, he knew he couldn't avoid the inevitable anymore. He was nervous and scared. The taco salad they all had for dinner was feeling like a brick in his gut all of a sudden, and he could feel his heart quicken with anxiety. While he had been planning to settle in on the sand here with Zen to talk, he felt exposed and like everyone would be able to hear every word he said. They wouldn't. Reason told him that. Everyone was doing their own thing. The closest to them was Fin and Shannon, and they had been snogging like there was no tomorrow when Asher passed them. Just like he kind of wanted to throw Zen on the sand and do, along with ride him and lick every inch of him.

"Do you think we could go for a walk?" he asked, forehead creasing a little when he looked at Zenith. There was apology written all over his face, but he couldn't go down that route until he explained why everything went to shit. It was nice where they were, but he felt like he needed some privacy for this. They were still getting to know everyone, and this was probably the deepest Asher had to ever dig within himself. That, and he wanted to be alone with Zen for a little while.

Zenith nodded and stood up, brushing the sand from his jeans. Even if they had fought and hadn't talked for days, he wasn't angry. He was bewildered and confused, but not angry by it. He knew something had to be the catalyst, but he wasn't privy to what it was. He had tried to figure it all out, but he kept hitting brick walls with it. Other than coming to New York and moving in together, nothing else was different. He didn't think so anyway, but that didn't mean it wasn't for Asher. He was actually wondering if Asher was about to tell him he didn't want any of this, and was planning on going back home to San Francisco. Zen didn't know how he would feel if that happened.

They headed down the beach together, no more conversation really passing between each other yet. As they moved closer to the shore, the sound of the waves got louder, but it was a clear night, so the surf wasn't raging. Zenith had his hands in his pockets, and they were walking slowly. He waited until Asher was ready to break the silence.

Zenith was so quiet, and it was hard for Asher to process because they usually talked so easily. About everything. Any time. There had been many nights when they stayed over at each other's houses and stayed up all night talking, and slept right through to lunchtime the next day. He had managed to isolate why he had been so angry and aimed it Zenith, leading to their fight. It was a fear he was going to lose him, after having him there for so many years now. He knew if Zen met someone and fell in love with them, he would have to watch it all happen, and the very thought of it made him feel like he was dying inside. It made his heart and gut ache, and it was only via that he had started to realise feelings he never had before were coming to the surface.

As soon as they were nearing the shore, he grabbed Zenith's hand to get his attention. Maybe he could force the words to come through if Zen was looking at him. But instead of getting all the words to come up from his heart, nerves and anxiety were winning out, because even if he looked like a confident model on the outside, he was just a general slightly nerdy goofball on the inside. Instead of all the right words coming up, the nervous tension in his gut decided it was going to eject his dinner forcefully all over the sand at his feet. He was literally turning into fucking Carrie Bradshaw, but Zen was about five billion times more amazing than Mr Big. Maybe barfing was easier than confessing feelings like this? He had no precedent to measure against.

"Shit!" Zenith cried in surprise. Even if his initial reflexive response to step back so he didn't get puked on, he was soon reaching to rake Asher's hair back from his face because he had been wearing it a little longer these past few weeks for some photo shoots. He patted his back a couple of times and then started to rub it. "Hey, it's okay, babe. It's okay," he reassured him, waiting until Asher was done before checking if he was okay. Asher had always had a raging appetite and ate like a horse, so having his dinner make a reappearance took effort.

Then Zenith got this absolutely horrible chilled sensation run down his back. Was that what all this was about? Was Ash about to tell him he had some horrible illness like cancer? He couldn't stop his mind jumping to conclusions, and his own heart began to race in concern. He was trying not to jump to too many conclusions. Like, he was pretty sure if Ash was sick or something, it wouldn't have exhibited in him being pissed off at Zenith. Plus, he wouldn't have told them he was sick before any sort of diagnosis. He had been in perfect health. More than. His fitness was as top notch as it could be. He leaned over a bit, trying to see Asher's face. "You okay, babe? Are you done?"

Asher was done, and wiped his mouth on the back of his hand without thinking. "Ugh..." He wasn't impressed with what had just come out of him, what he had gotten all over his hand, and could taste in his mouth. Taco salad on repeat was nasty. This felt like the time he hurled on a ride at Disneyland when they were twelve, deciding it was an excellent idea to do a rollercoaster right after lunch. Only, there was no physical rollercoaster here. Just an emotional one, and his stomach had the same response. The nerves had won out, right when he was trying to be all deep and meaningful.

"I'm done," he confirmed, moving over to where the water was lapping against the shore to wash his hands. He scoop a bit up into his hand and used it to rinse his mouth out too. It might be sea water, but it couldn't taste worse than vomit in his mouth. He washed his face too, because even his nose was running with the overload of acidity. There was nothing hot or sweet about this. It was just plain gross. The cool sea water was sobering, though. It was probably about as effective as Amarlie whacking him in the head with a pillow. He couldn't prolong the inevitable anymore. After all they had been through, he owned Zen the truth. He stood up and turned to face Zen. "There's something I need to tell you." And he had to get it out there before his body made him feel like he had to have a nervous pee.

Something wasn't right. Zenith could tell that much. Now Ash had gone and puked, he was absolutely internally panicking that something was wrong. He wasn't even just nervous now, he was plain freaking out how different Asher was acting, so it had to mean something. He had crouched down at the water with him, still rubbing his back, a deep frown on his face as he tried to connect dots here. He just didn't know what the dots were, so figuring out how to connect them was impossible. Once they were standing again, he took his wallet out of his back pocket and found the strip of gum he kept in there. It always paid to have gum on you. Gum and condoms. Not that he had as much need as general dudes for the latter, but he still carried them anyway. He wasn't going to let a guy with HIV fuck him without one, just like no other guy with any sense would.

He unwrapped a piece and handed it to Asher, and when he took it, shoved the wrapper in his pocket. He braced himself, drawing in a deep breath, and nodded. "Okay. What is it? Are you sick? Or hurt? Are you in trouble?" He put his hand on Asher's shoulder, and his thumb was rubbing tiny circles there. The confusion was creeping into his features again. "I'm just not sure why you would have been giving me the cold shoulder and getting shitted off with me if it was any of those things. We've always been a team..."

Asher shook his head and held up a hand. "No, no. I'm not sick. I'm not any of that," he said quickly, and slightly frustrated at that because if it was any of that, he was pretty sure it would be easier than what it really was. He also didn't want to let that stuff cockblock his courage here. He had very little of it and if he didn't talk now, it was going to be a big mess. He would probably do something dumb like make up a fib to cover it, and then feel even more guilty, which would make things even more awkward. He would hate himself for that, because he was already hating that he messed things up to start with. He didn't want to keep carrying this around with him.

He sighed, glad he had at least thrown everything up in his gut already, so that was done and out of the way. This was just so fucking hard to get to. "I was giving you the cold shoulder because... because... I was jealous when you slept with someone else. And I was jealous because I... I think somewhere between SanFran and here, I've gone and fallen in love with you." Fuck, it was both terrifying and euphoric to get it out, but now he was frozen, assuming it was going to ruin everything.

Zenith felt like Asher's words had taken his breath away. They weren't what he had expected. So much so that he didn't know how he was supposed to react, and there were a few moments there he just stood quietly, gazing at Asher in the moonlight. The clear sky meant the moon could afford a little light. It wasn't pitch black and overcast. And in that moment, he just knew deep down that everything had changed. He hadn't been ready for it, but that didn't mean he was going to be a cunt and just palm it off like it was nothing. Because it wasn't wasn't nothing. He also had the luxury of knowing Asher for a very long time, most of their lives. He knew how huge it had to be for him to admit to this.

He took Asher's hand and let him along the waterfront to a short distance away on the dry sand. He sat down, not letting Asher's hand go so he would know it was okay to sit with him. There was a million things he could say, or multiple different directions he could try to steer the conversation. But this meant more to him than just straight up talking it out like general friends. They weren't general friends. They never had been. So, he put his hand on Asher's cheek and leaned in to kiss him softly. Though, maybe without rinsing his mouth and the gum, he might have taken a different route after the taco salad revisit.

It wasn't the first kiss they ever shared, but this felt different. His eyes had already fallen closed when he felt the familiarity of Zen's hand on his cheek. Zen was a really passionate lover, and he really knew how to use his hands. There had been times Asher had to field fucktard questions on social media about whether he could feel if Zen's cock wasn't 'real'. There had been a few times Asher had completely blown up and tore the dickheads a new one because they had no idea what the fuck they were on about. It had nothing to do with whether your cock was 'real'. It was all about the connection and the chemistry. How you achieved it was no one's business. Zen always just laughed and told him to forget about it. The fact they tried to guess and would never know was amusing to Zenith. He didn't care what cunts thought. That was one of Zenith's best parts. He chose not to give cunts any piece of him, real or fake.

The kiss was beautiful. As much as he wanted to know what Zenith was thinking, he knew that before the night was out he would. They had an epic fuckton to talk about, but he liked that Zenith's initial response was to kiss him, because it was a reassurance that things would be okay, even if it was changing. For as scared as Asher had been to say this, he felt stupid now for letting himself get so worked up that he puked. Amarlie was going to have a field day with that memo when she got it. By the time the kiss ended, he had his hand resting on Zen's knee. It didn't end quickly. It had deepened and lingered, but now Asher just needed to talk. "I'm sorry I'm fucking the arrangement up. I never wanted that to happen. I don't even know why it has. I just... we got here, and met everyone. Then went through that stuff with Justin. I know, this fucking sounds nuts."

"Who says you're fucking anything up?" Zenith asked. His hand closed over Asher's on his knee. "I'm actually really fucking relieved, because I thought it was something serious. I didn't know if you were changing with your new job, or if you were out there meeting a whole pile of new people and didn't have room for us. See? All this shit, it can go two ways when you don't talk it out. I might know you better than I know myself sometimes, but that doesn't mean I can read your mind or your thoughts. I wouldn't want to either. You're you, I'm me. Who wants to live in each other's pockets so much you literally start turning into each other? Because you know what happens with that? It means someone is losing parts of themselves to achieve it. I means it's destroying you."

He shook his head. "So, that's why you were sick? You were scared to talk to me? I don't want you to ever be scared to talk to me again. That's the arrangement we had. So, we're friends who have sex, and we've been doing it for awhile. That was no binding contractual agreement. We're going to go through processes coming here. Changes and shit. The only reason I haven't talked about what's supposed to go on between us now we're growing up is because I thought it was what you wanted. So, if not that, what do you want? You want to give this dating thing a go? You want us to take a shot at being exclusive? No one else? You just have to tell me, I'll delete Grindr. I'll leave all the trans social networks. I don't think we can know for sure what any feelings are, though, until we test drive them both know what we're doing. I might just be your safety blanket, you know. Let's figure it out together."

Asher shrugged, shaking his head while he tugged his lips to the side and gazed out at the ocean. "Not changing. I don't think I've really changed at all, it's just how I feel that doing this growing a mind of its own. I'm sorry you were feeling like that. I was, like... an accidental cunt. My head just got scrambled. I think it was seeing others in nice relationships. It felt like maybe we had something like that, without it being that." His hand went to Zen's cheek, and his fingertips stroked through his hair softly as he looked at him. "I don't want to turn into each other. I like you as you way too much. Like, so much that I'm falling in love with it. I want us to keep all our parts, no one giving up anything."

He nodded sheepishly. "Nervous. Scared everything would change. I've been working myself up with it for days, and every time I tried to reason out a way to talk to you about it, it was like I got all choked up and worried again. It sounds stupid talking about it now, but I don't want you to think it was because I didn't want to tell you. Or that... that somehow things are different now. That was the worst part. We've gone so long just doing our thing, and when it hit me I was feeling differently, I didn't know how to handle it. The jealousy. Fuck. It's never bothered me when you slept with anyone before, so to suddenly realise it was, I didn't know why." Listening to the options out loud coming from Zenith, Asher frowned a little, trying to work out the answers. "I, um... yes? Maybe we could just try it and see what happens? I'm just nervous that, like... me not being trans too, I won't be able to fulfil that part of you. That likes connecting with other trans people, hooking up with them. Like, I just have a regular old dick, that does regular old dick things. I was born a dude, and I don't want to do this and feel like I'm not enough for you."

Zenith laughed softly and shook his head with fondness. "And that's okay, babe. There would be something wrong if we didn't do some sort of evolving coming here to New York and meeting all these people. We weren't going to meet any of these guys and not have some of them impact on us. Their stories are incredible. They're all such sweethearts. None of them need us changing either. But I think in a way, we've all fought to be ourselves, on some level. We've all had challenges to overcome, but you know the fucking beautiful thing about these guys? No one is trying to change anyone. No one is sitting their shoving their own beliefs down anyone's throats. No one is getting offended by the differences. It's a fucking safehaven. Home was one, but here? We get to grow up and learn more about ourselves. So, maybe that's just what all this is? You think I'd be pissed your mind was changing? I'm not. It's fucking amazing. If anyone has a shot at being my soul mate, it's you."

He turned his face into Asher's hand a little more, and kissed his fingers. They couldn't get a better setting for this heart-to-heart. Which is exactly what this was. He knew that. Asher was laying his heart on the line here, and that was a terrifying prospect to face if you haven't done it before. "It's kind of hot you were jealous, you know. I feel cheated that I didn't get to see it in action," he joked, giving Asher a mischievous smile. "Your regular old dick happens to be incredible, and my favourite. Ash, none of that is 'fulfilling' anything for me. It's a bit of fun, with people I don't have to sit down and spell out all the ins and outs of transgender to. You know me, I don't want to have to be a walking fucking instruction manual just to have a bit of fun. I don't do it for fulfilment. I was doing it because I could, that's it. If I had to choose between that, or between what we have... come on. There is no choice. We have a brilliant sex life."

Asher gave some thought to the question, because it was the first time he was really having his mind prompted about the reasons he had been feeling like he had, not just feeling it and it being drowned out by a whole lot of confusion, jealousy, and anxiety. "Not pissed off. More like... you'd reject me, and then we'd shelve the FWB thing because I complicated it all. That somehow it would change all the good stuff we have, and you'd want to do things like giving up sharing a room with me. Then I had all these horror thoughts that we would start putting Amarlie in the middle of everything, and she would start to get pissed off. I don't know how to do this life thing without both of you. I don't want to find out either."

He was shifting so he could gently nudge Zenith to lie back on the sand, and then he straddled over him, taking both Zen's hands and lacing their fingers together. He looked down at him with a smile. "My regular old dick is getting hard thinking about filling you, just so you know," he laughed. Zen had always joked that the reason he kept Asher around to play with his dick. Best of both worlds, not needing to have one attached to him, but still getting the ample benefits. "Part of me was expecting you to tell me you were going to sleep with Cas to help her out. You know the weird part? I was actually okay with that, and I don't even know why, when I was shitted off about the other person." He leaned over and invited Zen into a kiss, smiling against his lips. "You're not going to get bored with me then? Think we can give the other couples a run for their money?"

Zenith didn't have enough words to encompass how good it felt to see Ash go from plainly nearly falling apart with anxiety to the point he made himself sick, to back to his normal smiley and content self. Zenith wasn't so naive to think all of this was on Asher's head. It wasn't. It was miscommunication on both their parts, and it was Zen's fault for not realising that their blow up probably meant there was a bigger fish to fry than Asher just being moody and bitchy. He felt bad about that, bu he also knew they had the strength to push through it. "I'm glad you told me. Even if it felt hard, I'd rather you puke and get it out of your system, then talk, rather than you holding it all inside and thinking you can't talk to me. You don't have to find out any of that bullshit. You're not losing either of us."

One thing he would never be opposed to was feeling Asher on top of him, or behind him, or next to him, or in front of him. He laughed. "Yes. Yes, it is. You do realise I'm going to fully objectify that when we get back to the house." He released one of Asher's hands so he could rest his own on Ash's hip. This thumb brushed over the bulge in Ash's pants as they started to kiss. Whatever they were talking about was forgotten for just a little while. It was important to reboot their connection. Zen loved kissing as much as he loved sex. He knew when they were back in their room, they would make up for lost time. Even as the kiss ended, he was nuzzling his nose against Asher's. "I might have, if she asked me. She didn't, not even close. Mostly, we just talk things out. I don't mind her interrogating me. She's searching for who she is, figuring out where she belongs. We all go through that. I don't think she's really the sort to lose her v-card with a casual encounter, though. She yearns for something like Justin and Sasha have. I think we can at least match them on even par. I'd never get bored of you, babe. You're my favourite. I missed you."

"It did. But you know what? The best things are sometimes the hardest things. Fuck, I don't know why I let my brain think myself into knots. I've never struggled to talk to you or Amarlie about anything, but it was going to change the whole dynamic and I guess I just got scared about whether it could really work or not. If we would lose something in the translation." Asher shrugged, and it felt good to be smiling about it now and hashing over it. Zen was so warm and familiar to him. Their bodies fit together like a glove, and they knew each other's most sensitive spots. They had the snuggling and spooning thing down. "I don't know, maybe we were doing the FWB thing wrong all along anyway," he laughed, stroking Zen's hair and looping a few strands it around his fingers playfully.

He grinned. "Please do. I think it's going through withdrawals. I jerked off so hard in the shower this morning fantasising about you washing me that I nearly shot myself in the eyeball with cum." The kiss was amazing, and even if it was only a light touch, Zen's intimate touch down below was really turning him on. He knew for many there was a question mark about how Zen did the sex thing, or trans people in general. But Asher didn't see it as any different. No, they didn't do it in a generic sense, but Zen knew his way around his own body, both the parts he was born with, and the parts he handpicked. And the beauty about the human body was that everyone had asses, no matter what anatomy you were born with. One of Ash's favourite things in the world was topping Zen. "Fuck, I'm thinking about you bottoming and my boner is actually aching. See what you do to me? See why I can't settle for just you part-time? I want you all the time, all over, every second of the day. I hope Cas can find what she's searching for, and I hope she has as great a first time as we did together."

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"Imagine all the people living for today."

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