"Learn from this mistake."

[livefortoday]

Who: Hunter Alexander and Cruz Quinlan
What: Moment of truth
Where: Home in New Rochelle
When: Saturday afternoon

When Hunter got home from work, Cruz was asleep, just like he hoped he would be. He told Cruz that what he was going to go through would be like hell on earth, and suggested trying to get a bit of sleep beforehand might be a good idea. With the costume party cancelled, Darius with his big hot date with Kai, and Brody going to Florida, Cruz had sent Hunter a text earlier that morning and told him he wanted to do it that weekend... he wanted to try to detox. He was ready to ditch the addictions so they weren't ruling his life anymore. He wanted to get clean, if Hunter's offer to help him was still on the table.

It was. Of course. Unconditionally. Hunter called him on his break and they chatted a little about it. He ran through what Cruz could expect if he went through with it, and when Cruz didn't change his mind, that was when he suggested trying to get some sleep because he probably wouldn't get much once it all started. Cruz was awake when he came back to the bedroom after his shower, towel wrapped securely around his waist. "Hey, babe. How did you sleep?" he asked, coming over to give Cruz a kiss. He got a tank top and a pair of track pants from his drawer to change into. "When was your last drink? I want to try to get some fluids into you before you start feeling sick."

Comments

[colourmefree]

Cruz laid back down on the bed gingerly, and he couldn't deny he was already regretting the choice to do this. He had to keep reminding himself to take his balls in his hand and just get through it. It was probably going to feel like it lasted forever, but it would eventually be over. "You've got to be wondering the what-ifs now. What if he didn't commit suicide. And I guess, if that's playing on your mind, you've got to be wondering what-if I jumped before you got to me. All the while, your baby brother is getting raped and his world is falling apart, yet you still want to do this for me. You saved my life. I never expected to have feelings for you like this. I became so fucking acclimatised to not feeling anything. Fuck chicks, I had to numb myself with booze and coke to get through it. Fucking blokes was just this desperate need to get off with them. That's what my life has been for as long as I can remember. I didn't expect to feel what I did when you fucked me that night. I really thought I'd just keep going until I OD'ed one day and finally ended the shit."

But he liked having Hunter close. He knew this was love, but he just didn't understand it yet. "Fuck. Both, on and off. Cold right now," he admitted. The chill was running through him, and having the sweat over him was making it worse. When he first woke up, his head felt like it was on fire. He was watching Hunter do his nurse thing, knowing it was all second-nature. Cruz wouldn't have, in a million years, expected to end up in a relationship with a nurse. But that was what this was. It was a relationship. It was far from conventional, and it wasn't following a traditional timeline by any means, but it was what Cruz could cope with, and he knew that was a really fucking powerful thing, considering how messed up he was. He was quiet for a bit longer before, "I love you too."

[livefortoday]

"No. Not really. Probably not in a way people might think I would be. It's more wondering how he would have been as an adult. Or how he would have responded to things that have happened in the world. What sort of life he might have had if he hadn't been ill. I see things that I know he would have liked, and memories come back. Back once someone is gone, they're gone. They don't get a second chance at this. Unless you have some sort of deep spiritual belief to the contrary. But even then, we can't prove it. All we have is the now that we know is for certain, I think we have to cherish is as much as we can. Though, I know that's the simplistic way of looking at it, because then you have to factor in things like mental illness or addictions that affect how we see things, or we how feel about them. Whether want to keep living, or not. I think that's why I do the job that I do. If I can help prolong a life just a little longer before it ends, then it's worth it. This is going to be the harder route, love. I hope you can make it through." Hunter leaned over and kissed the top of Cruz's head and pulled the blankets up over him to get him warm. If he got hot again, he could strip some of them back. It would probably be a constant struggle for a little while.

He had already brought a bowl up with some water and a face cloth in it, so he sat beside Cruz to wring it out, and gently wipe his face with it. "We're going to get through this, you know. I know you're scared, because sober is a foreign prospect for you, but we'll work it out. Take each day at a time. Even if you need space to figure things out for yourself when you start to feel better, you can tell me. This is just the physical. The mental and emotional will take longer for you to heal from. Things will be overwhelming and you probably won't know which way is up."

[colourmefree]

Hunter had such a deep wisdom and intelligence, that even though Cruz was becoming unwell, he found himself hanging on Hunter's every word. The sound of his voice as he mused was soothing, and he definitely had some poignant points to make. "I never stopped to think about stuff like this before. Like, don't get me wrong. I don't think I was quite at a completely numb amoeba levels, but not far off it. I tried to make sense of shit through writing. Lyrics and poetry. I've always done that. I've written all our songs. Not a single fucking one is written by anyone else, so I guess the lyrics say a lot about what goes on in my mind. But at the same time, a lot of those were written fucking drunk or trashed too, so I'm not sure what I feel anymore. I just know that you cockblocked it, and now I'm trying to see shit in other ways. Like, honestly, love, I didn't even know what pansexual was before. We're human, you know? We don't have the energy or time to engage in everything in the whole world. It only becomes relevant to us through our experiences, you know? Now I see it, I'm so fucking glad it exists, or we wouldn't be here right now. You changed my life."

It was the mental and emotional that was the terrifying part. He had a lot of shit locked away inside that he had drowned out rather than facing and processing. He really hoped he didn't morph into a huge arsehole who was bitter, twisted, and felt like a victim that the world owed something to. Those were his worst fucking type of people in the world. Everyone had battles to fight, and for Cruz, he had chosen not to fight them and bury his head in the sand... or in a pile of coke, to be more accurate. He was going to find himself facing it all soon. "What do you think you would have been if you didn't become a nurse?" he asked, because he wanted to learn more about Hunter. That was a good new addiction to focus on instead.