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[wannabesurgeon]

Trying to decide if I want to go away somewhere with some leave owning. New York is feeling overwhelming lately.

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[learnhowtoplay]

I can vouch for that, too. It doesn't feel the same anymore. Not that I should've expected it to.

[wannabesurgeon]

Does that mean you're not going to stick around?

[learnhowtoplay]

No. It doesn't mean that at all. Everything I want is still here. Everything and everyone. I just... Came back thinking things would go a little differently than they did. It's a learning curve. But I'm okay with those.

Would it be too much to ask you to go away with me for some of your leave? Maybe just for a few days?

[wannabesurgeon]

Differently how?

I've got a couple of weeks off. I was thinking of going home for a few days, then maybe heading onto Europe. I mean, you could join me, but you've just been doing all that.

[learnhowtoplay]

Honestly, now that I'm talking it out, I'm not even sure I know. I think maybe I romanticized this idea of a homecoming where we would just figure things out and they'd work because we love each other... I know that was stupid on my part after a year away.

I've been travelling without the people that I love near me, working. This would be travelling with the person that I love most, with the intent of relaxing... at least, that's what I think the intent is? That, and maybe starting to work our way through all of what we're feeling?

[wannabesurgeon]

You thought I'd just put everyone on hold for the whole time you were gone? I couldn't do that. I evolved too.

The intent is, I guess, going away to clear my head and regroup on life. Maybe the only way we can achieve that is being away and forcing ourselves to face it all.

[learnhowtoplay]

No... I didn't think that. I don't know if I even was thinking anything at all as far as logical things. I just hoped that, when I came home, we'd find our way again.

Maybe so. I think at this point it can't hurt. We need to find our way with this one way or another, because if we don't, it's just going to be a hell of a lot of pain hanging over our heads.

[wannabesurgeon]

Maybe no one in relationships really has a "way" to find, because you have to take each day as it comes.

Well, I want to enjoy my holiday too. Not just spend it stressed and hurting. I've done plenty of that in the last 12 months already.

[learnhowtoplay]

I know that being away from you wasn't the right thing. That much I know.

Well, I don't see why we can't work through things together and still have a nice time, too?

[wannabesurgeon]

Why didn't you call me up and tell me? Or write me a letter? I'm not mad or anything, I'm just trying to understand. I really thought you were moving on, away into more of a career-focused life.

I spoke to Nathan. He got married to Tyler, and they don't sex.

[learnhowtoplay]

I don't know. I guess it felt like it was unfair. But then again, I think maybe the whole thing was unfair from start to finish. I felt like if I started to tell you what I was feeling, I'd never be able to stop.

Okay. How do you feel about that? Does it... Does it make you believe me a little more about what I said before?

[wannabesurgeon]

I'm still not sure where we're supposed to go from here. It still feels stagnant.

Believe you? What's that supposed to mean? You think this is all about me not believing what you said? It's never been that.

[learnhowtoplay]

It's not like we can start all over and pretend we don't have a past together. A year apart will leave a lot of things feeling stagnant, Liam... That doesn't mean that they won't be right again when they're properly worked on.

I guess believing me wasn't the problem so much as feeling like it was the right thing. Maybe that's the better question. Did talking to Nate change how you felt at all about us and the possibility of our future together?

[wannabesurgeon]

Yeah, properly worked on.

If you're asking if my feelings have changed, then no. I asked him how Tyler dealt with sex now, and he said he didn't because they didn't have it. It doesn't change anything, Damien.

[learnhowtoplay]

I have faith in us, Liam. I just need to know that we can try.

That's what I meant, I guess. I just... Right now I just want to know where we can begin. I feel like there has to be a right place to start. I just don't know if I'm sure where it is.

[wannabesurgeon]

Trying's not going to be enough. We tried before. The time for trying is over. There needs to be more than trying, or I just don't want to waste the energy on it.

I don't know. All it feels like a whole pile of false starts.