Finlay Sawyer Bennett (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
truthrunswild) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
dreamlikenewyork2016-05-11 01:18 pm
truthrunswild) wrote in dreamlikenewyork2016-05-11 01:18 pm
"I wanna hold hands with you. But that's all I wanna do right now."
Who: Just Fin
What: Sadness and loneliness
Where: Home, NYC
When: Tuesday evening
The day had started out with Fin in a bad mood. He had stayed over at Shannon’s place, but they had a fight in the morning. It had started with Shannon getting snappy that Fin ate all their peanut M&Ms, but it had exploding into something much worse. Fin had tried to dilute the whole situation, but once the fight started, Shannon was upset and got bitchy. Fin couldn’t quite understand exactly what it was all about, but what it felt like was that Shannon assumed Fin was going to ultimately get sick of having a disabled boyfriend getting in the way of everything, when he could be out having normal fun with normal, non-disabled friends, like the ones he was going to see in Texas.
By the time Fin was about halfway to school on the bus and he had let the whole thing stew over in his mind, he started to wonder if it was just him. Had he said or done something that offended Shannon’s already sensitive emotions about his injury and being in a wheelchair? It was hard to tell. He got to school really early because he had stormed out of Shannon’s bedroom and left the farm immediately. He was hurting and he was upset, but he had also been angry because he didn’t understand why it was happening.
When the end of the day came, he was miserable. The anger had morphed into sadness and he had come home and climbed into his bed to curl up into a ball, ignoring the world. He ignored his phone when it was buzzing. How could all that awesome and nice stuff explode and crash into something that made him feel like this? He hadn’t meant to make Shannon feel like, just because he wasn’t allowed to go to Texas, he was still running off to have a ball without him. It wouldn’t be like that. He wouldn’t have half as much fun without Shannon as he would if he had come. In fact, he would probably be mostly focused on riding and forgetting about actual fun.
What was worrying him was that things might always be like this. Was Shannon going to get hurt every time he couldn’t do something ‘normal’? Fin didn’t want that, but maybe him being able-bodied was aggravating Fin’s sensitivity there? He had all these questions and no answers. He didn’t even feel like playing his drums, which was usually his go-to when he was upset or angry. He just pulled the covers up around him and didn’t want to do anything.
Shannon had come to mean the world to him. They were connected. Spending time with him had felt amazing, and they talked so much. Everything now just felt so lonely and quiet. But the last thing he wanted was to make Shannon feel hurt and weird. If that meant stepping back, then he guessed he had to do that. As much as he wished he had everything in order, he didn’t. He had no idea how to fix any of this, and it felt really awful. He looked over his shoulder at his phone, wondering if he should try to ring Shannon. He nearly reached for it. Instead, he just rolled back over and pulled the covers up over his head. He didn’t want to be yelled at or bitched at again. That had just hurt far too much.
NARRATIVE, COMPLETE
What: Sadness and loneliness
Where: Home, NYC
When: Tuesday evening
The day had started out with Fin in a bad mood. He had stayed over at Shannon’s place, but they had a fight in the morning. It had started with Shannon getting snappy that Fin ate all their peanut M&Ms, but it had exploding into something much worse. Fin had tried to dilute the whole situation, but once the fight started, Shannon was upset and got bitchy. Fin couldn’t quite understand exactly what it was all about, but what it felt like was that Shannon assumed Fin was going to ultimately get sick of having a disabled boyfriend getting in the way of everything, when he could be out having normal fun with normal, non-disabled friends, like the ones he was going to see in Texas.
By the time Fin was about halfway to school on the bus and he had let the whole thing stew over in his mind, he started to wonder if it was just him. Had he said or done something that offended Shannon’s already sensitive emotions about his injury and being in a wheelchair? It was hard to tell. He got to school really early because he had stormed out of Shannon’s bedroom and left the farm immediately. He was hurting and he was upset, but he had also been angry because he didn’t understand why it was happening.
When the end of the day came, he was miserable. The anger had morphed into sadness and he had come home and climbed into his bed to curl up into a ball, ignoring the world. He ignored his phone when it was buzzing. How could all that awesome and nice stuff explode and crash into something that made him feel like this? He hadn’t meant to make Shannon feel like, just because he wasn’t allowed to go to Texas, he was still running off to have a ball without him. It wouldn’t be like that. He wouldn’t have half as much fun without Shannon as he would if he had come. In fact, he would probably be mostly focused on riding and forgetting about actual fun.
What was worrying him was that things might always be like this. Was Shannon going to get hurt every time he couldn’t do something ‘normal’? Fin didn’t want that, but maybe him being able-bodied was aggravating Fin’s sensitivity there? He had all these questions and no answers. He didn’t even feel like playing his drums, which was usually his go-to when he was upset or angry. He just pulled the covers up around him and didn’t want to do anything.
Shannon had come to mean the world to him. They were connected. Spending time with him had felt amazing, and they talked so much. Everything now just felt so lonely and quiet. But the last thing he wanted was to make Shannon feel hurt and weird. If that meant stepping back, then he guessed he had to do that. As much as he wished he had everything in order, he didn’t. He had no idea how to fix any of this, and it felt really awful. He looked over his shoulder at his phone, wondering if he should try to ring Shannon. He nearly reached for it. Instead, he just rolled back over and pulled the covers up over his head. He didn’t want to be yelled at or bitched at again. That had just hurt far too much.
NARRATIVE, COMPLETE