"If I'm honest, I could've done it better."

[myturntobebrave]

Who: Jason and Liz Harrison
What: Family
Where: Liz's apartment
When: Same time as THIS

It was a long day at work, but Jason enjoyed the distraction of it. He had a lot on his mind recently, and he would be lying if he didn't admit just to himself that it had been interrupting his sleep lately. He just got stuck overthinking things, and he didn't like that unsettled feeling. He was ready to be settled again, and start working to what was needed to achieve that. He had no goddamn idea what that was yet, or even slight hints. That was exactly why he was now turning up on his big sister's doorstep. She had gone through a lot of change, adjustment, acceptance and soul-searching lately. At least, so he assumed. He only had mostly secondhand information because Liz very, very much censored the full story with their mother and even recently cut contact with their parents. Jason really hoped he wasn't part of that equation. He didn't want to lose the sister he had always been closest to.

Leaving the hospital and walking a few blocks before getting a cab to Liz's place, he had his phone out and was dialling her number as he got off the elevator on her floor. He was glad she had an elevator and not stairs. That would suck with a baby stroller. He was heading up the hall on her floor, waiting for her to answer the phone.

"Hey, are you home?" he asked her when she picked up as he held his phone between his ear and his shoulder so he could hitch his bag strap back up before the damn thing fell down his arm. When Liz confirmed she was home and then asked him why, clearly answering her apartment door while she was taking the phone call. And he did, indeed, have his big sister open the door to him with the phone to her ear. "Because... hi," he greeted her, glad she wasn't nursing the baby or she might have dropped him in shock.

Comments

[myturntobebrave]

"What's worse is not feeling like you can be honest with your family because you know it will result in judgement and feelings that you should never feel from family members. Unfortunately, family members are often those who make the most people feel that way in this world. Blood doesn't automatically mean you comply with every belief they have or want to live your like a complete carbon copy of how they live theirs. They should support you no matter how you need and want to live your life. But again, if only it was that easy..." Jason lamented quietly. He felt like he had the weight of the world on his shoulders, and his stomach was doing this nervous churning right now. He agreed to the apple juice, if only to give him something to do with his hands. "If he's alive, breathing, healthy, and happy, that's all that matters. And I think considering the life expectancy back in the old days was a lot lower than it is today, perhaps there happens to be a log of argument in new ways of doing things."

He didn't even know where to start. He had kept so much from his family, but it was self-preserving because he knew he would be miserable if he told them how he was really feeling. "The whole time I was away, I've basically been living in sin. I've been sinning left, right and centre, and I don't regret... most of it. I've done things that go against basically the entire way we've been raised, and I didn't tell anyone because I knew... well, what happened to you would happen to me. I guess I was chicken shit. When really, I just didn't know how I was supposed to fight the overbearing opinion. It takes balls to stand up and deny what generations of your family have instilled, and I guess I just didn't have those balls."

[losing_my_religion]

"I know that one, too," Liz replied with a nod. And she did. It was something she'd lived in major fear of after she'd hooked up with Cameron. That something would happen that would ultimately result in her parents finding out she'd lost her virginity in a one night stand. "It's true, though. Parents especially should show their kids love and support. I don't think there's a person alive who expects their family to agree with every choice they've ever made. It's more about loving and supporting them in spite of whether or not you agree with what they do. But I promise you this, Jason. There is nothing on earth that you can do that would make me stop loving you or caring about you. I'm living my own life my own way now, and I would never disown your for wanting and needing to do the same." She gave him a smile, grateful to hear that her brother wasn't judging her like the rest of her family had. "He's safe and healthy. Believe it or not, Mom and Dad actually thought that he was mine and Lewis's and we'd gotten married secretly and had a baby. Except not so much because Lewis is gay and has an amazing boyfriend. They're sweethearts."

"You're here now, Jason," she told him, reaching out to give his forearm a squeeze. "It's a process, and it takes time, but you're here. But that being said, I don't judge you or think you're anything less than I've always thought you to be. I'm glad you're home and close to me again for the first time in ages, little brother," she reassured him, turning to him as he spoke. "I'm a start, and I can damn well promise you, whatever kind of sinner you are, you're a sinner I adore, and I'm so glad you're back around here."

[myturntobebrave]

"I'm sure they love us in their own way, and maybe they see their way as being supportive. I don't know. I just didn't grow up in the way they probably hoped I would. My career has... well, it's taken a different direction for now. I had to quit med school, but at this point, I'm only seeing it as a deferment until I can sort shit out and recognise what direction I should be going. I never really got to the point of knowing that. I did a lot of searching and blind-tasting of things, I suppose. Hoping things might work out, but they didn't." As he was talking, Jason realised he was sounding more and more vague and he frowned at his own awkward explanation of things. He didn't mean to come here and go all Yoda-like up in everything. He was trying to explain, but he knew as he was attempting to do that, he was accidentally trying to soften the blow.

Liz was sitting there saying she wouldn't judge, and seemed supportive. There was even the reveal about Lewis, and she didn't seem upset by that. There was, without a doubt, a time their family assume Liz and Lewis would get married, but Jason knew possibly better than most that assumptions like that were very rarely accurate. Life wasn't that cut and dried, or black and white. Lewis had moved away from their neighbourhood and lost touch with their family. Now Jason was wondering if that was because he was gay. He was quiet, his thoughts turning over and over in his head while he tried to figure out the best way to just go about all of this. There was no guidebook here. Soon, he stopped looking at his hands where he had his finger knotted in together, a nervous gesture he hadn't noticed himself doing. "I'm gay. I lost my virginity to my room mate when I was about fifteen. We dated right through high school. And eve though some things happened that made me question if I really was gay and maybe what I was feeling was just a deep friendship, I have further explored myself since then and I just don't have the ability to emotionally attach to a women in the same way I do guys."

[losing_my_religion]

"I think they do," Liz replied thoughtfully. "I just don't really get their way. At the end of the day, as long as my son wasn't hurting anyone with his behavior, or doing drugs or something, I'd be happy just to know he was making the best choices he could, and being true to himself." She went quiet as Jason began to explain things... At least, that's what it felt like he was trying to do, but the more he talked, the more confused Liz was feeling about it. He wasn't really connecting anything yet, just sort of throwing out bits and pieces that, as far as she could tell, didn't yet connect. But she was definitely listening, hoping he'd tie it all up for her. "I'm sorry you've had to take time away from med school," she said softly. "It's all you've wanted to do for as long as you knew how to say what you wanted to be when you grew up."

Jason didn't speak right away, and it was clear to Liz that he needed some time to gather his thoughts here. She didn't push him, instead taking a sip of her juice to give him a little more time to process everything. And then he was saying two words... two very simple words, but they held a hell of a lot of meaning, and Liz knew immediately why he'd stayed away so long. This was a hard thing to own up to in the world they grew up in, and while she knew he hadn't done anything wrong, no one else in their family would've been so understanding. She put her juice aside then to move closer to her brother and put her arms around him, giving him a big hug. "That's the last thing you have to worry about bothering me," she told him softly, kissing his cheek the same way she used to when they were kids. "What happened to the boyfriend, then? Mom said you were seeing a woman, but I can only assume that didn't work out and it's probably part of why you're here? I mean, I don't know. It's been ages since we had a chat at all. Tell me about everything, Jason. It's been way too long since we could talk about everything."

[myturntobebrave]

Jason nodded, and he couldn't help that his shoulders slumped a little. "I know. It is. I want to try again, apply for schools here in New York and see how I go. It's just a really intense degree, obviously. When things started to get messy, I couldn't concentrate. Hell, I couldn't even sleep some nights. It was hard to absorb the information I was learning. I had to cut my losses, or it would have been a whole lot more of a loss down the track. I want to fix shit up now, here at base level while I still have the control, not get to years down the track and he drowning in the consequences of the choices I've made. I want to admit I've fucked up... a lot, and own the mistakes."

He was so relieved that she was accepting of the fact he was sitting here 'coming out' to her. It had tormented him for a very long time, knowing he had been lying to his family and concealing the truths for fear of persecution and disrespect by them. He didn't want to sit there and have them look at him with pity or disgust just from who he was, and that he couldn't change it. He didn't want to change anything about him. He just wanted to hit a reset button on his life as much as he could so he could get his shit together. He couldn't see the forest through the trees, so he had to start chopping some of those bastards down to find his way again. "Don't speak so soon. There's more..." he warned, and paused to collect himself a little before he continued. "The boyfriend was Isaac, my best friend. At least, he was my best friend at the time. I haven't spoken to him in awhile. We... we got married. Way too young, just out of high school. Gay marriage was just legalised in Minnesota and we were all swept up in that, thinking we were awesome and adults now. It was a huge mistake, and the marriage failed pretty quickly. We split up and he moved away. I started to worry that maybe I wasn't gay, and it was just Isaac I had misconstrued feelings for. Because how could it be if I fucked it all up so badly? I was enrolled in a Phlebotomy course at this point, and I met a really sweet girl. We started dating, and... and she fell pregnant. So, see? Your not the only one sinning like fuck. It wasn't meant to be. She miscarried and I realised that I wasn't connecting with her like a partner should."

[losing_my_religion]

"There are some amazing schools here in New York," Liz reassured him, knowing that it had to be hard for him to face the fact that he'd dropped out of school. It was obvious he wasn't ready to be done with it, but he was going to need some time to find his way again. "For what it's worth, I'm going to be here right beside you and support you every step of the way. It's been a long time since the days that we were really close and leaned on each other. But I don't believe for a minute that it means we can't be close and lean on each other again. I'll be honest... the longer I've been here, the more I've learned just how hard life really is, and how important it is to surround yourself with people who love you as you are and don't expect or want you to change."

She waited, patiently giving her brother the time to gather his thoughts. This was a lot of information to take in, and she could only imagine how he was feeling to have to share it in the first place. It had been shoved down their throats for so long... how the Bible was the only right and true thing ever, and how they had to live their lives in such a way as to follow it as closely as they humanly could. And then Jason was going on, and Liz was caught entirely off guard by the information he gave her. "You... You've been married?" she asked softly, almost as if she thought she'd heard him wrong. "You got married and split up with your husband, and you did all of that out in Minnesota alone? Did you have good friends, at least? People you could count on when everything felt horrible?" She wanted to hug him tight and never let go, because this was quite frankly awful to hear. "Isaac? The kid you used to bring home? That lived in the City?" And then there was more and more information coming from Jason... more of the truth of the lies he'd been living. And then, hearing that he'd been expecting a baby and lost it, Liz just couldn't hold back anymore. Her arms tightened around her baby brother, and she held on for dear life. "Jason, hon, I'm so sorry," she murmured, shaking her head. "I'm so sorry that happened to you. All of it, really." She held onto him and reassured him, "This doesn't change anything about how I feel about you. I want you to know that. We'll be a couple of dirty rotten sinners together."

[myturntobebrave]

"If I get into any of them. It's true, there are some great schools here, but I'm not sure how many would accept a drop-out of a perfectly good school elsewhere over other students who are fighting it out for the spots." In saying that, Jason worked with some amazing people at the hospital, and he only just scratched the surface on getting to know them. He didn't know if there were ways to get his food further into the medical world here in New York, and he felt like he would be taking another more-deserving student's position anyway. The doctors he had been working with had chatted easily to him and were so warm and accepting. If asked why he didn't complete med school and he told them it was a messy personal situation, they understood. Maybe he was just being too harsh on himself in general, but he felt like he needed some sort of punishment for all the wrong choices he had made.

Hearing Liz say it out loud like that, it sounded even more incredulous than ever. Incredulous and stupid. Everything had been on track, and then it was hitting the fan from all angles. "I didn't have a lot of friends, no. It was just us mostly, and maybe that was part of the problem. I mean, don't get me wrong. I wasn't socially-inept or a Nigel No Friends. I had friends, I just wasn't all that close to them where I felt like I could inflict my problems on them. Most of the friends I had in high school were from out of state anyway and went home when we graduated. But my other option was coming home here to a family that was homophobic and judgemental, so I wouldn't have been any less alone back here than I was there. At least back there, I wasn't being marked a sinner and judged just for breathing gay air. Stay in Minnesota was the lesser of two evils. It was losing the baby that hurt the most. I guess, in a way, the divorce was inevitable. We were too young, it didn't work. But I was prepared to be a good father. It was for the best, though. She didn't deserve to be trapped in a loveless relationship. We're still friends. Which is more than I can say for Isaac and me."

[losing_my_religion]

"If you're working at Mt. Sinai, there are a lot of wonderful doctors there, and I'm sure one of them would vouch for you. There are situations that get in the way sometimes, and I think a lot of schools understand that. Besides, getting in for the bachelor's degree bit won't be as bad as getting into Med school afterward, and usually, if you've done really well in undergraduate, the med schools are more likely to accept you. A good recommendation or two, and a well written entrance essay... It's not a guarantee of anything, but it's definitely worth a try. I'll do whatever I can to help you, too." She rubbed the heel of her palm against her brother's back gently, trying to comfort him. "Everybody makes mistakes, Jason. That doesn't mean you can't still pursue your dreams."

"Oh, god," Liz breathed. "And here I've been going on and on about my baby and... Shit, I'm sorry, Jason." She looked at him, in shock even that he was actually here, and shook her head. "Do you have any idea how much I've missed you?" she asked softly. "And I'm so sorry that I wasn't the kind of sister that made you believe that you could come and tell me that without my getting angry at you or judging you. But I'm happy you're home now and you've told me everything. We can be the dirty sinful black sheep of the family together... Fornicators and homosexuals... We won't inherit the kingdom of god, but considering there's no gay people there, I'm pretty sure the kingdom of god sounds boring to me." She took another sip of her juice before turning back to Jason. "I'm sorry your marriage didn't work out... And I'm sorry about your ex-girlfriend and the baby, too. But at least you still have a friendship with her. What's Isaac's deal? Have you two even spoken since the split?"

[myturntobebrave]

Jason scratched his head slowly with a small nod. "The people I've met have been lovely. Plus, Isaac's brother is still working there, so at least it's one familiar face in a hoard of strangers who I'm sure won't stay strangers. I just couldn't expect them to vouch for me when they don't even know me. They have to put their name to something, and professional integrity could be on the line if I turn out to be a lazy dickhead. Which there are a lot of those in the world, but I know I'm not one of them. I'm proud of my work ethic. Work is all I've had for awhile now, so it means a lot to me. But I don't want to give up on the goal of med school. I just want to be more settled before I sign up again so I don't make the same mistakes twice because I'll be paying for the ones I've already made for a long time to come. Speaking of mistakes, what's going on with you and Blake's father? I hardly heard anything about him, just that you had a baby."

"It's okay. There's no point dwelling on it. It won't change the fact it's happened. It hurt, but I don't want it to define me. I mean, I'm gay and had a relationship with a woman I accidentally got pregnant. It wasn't the best circumstances, and I'm glad it gave her the freedom to move on." He looked at her with a sad smile, because he was still feeling vulnerable after everything. It was nice to be able to talk to his sister like this. "What, um... what was it that changed your mindset on all this? I don't mean the religious thing, you explain how the stuff with Blake got you there. I just mean... acceptances of gay people. Because I am one, and I just sort of want to know. You were pretty on par with how Mom and Dad felt about gay folk in the past, so I figure it must've been something that changed that. I have no idea what Isaac's deal is, we haven't spoken since we split up. I've filed for divorce, so I'm just waiting to hear from that. I got a really great attorney. I work with his twin brother who's a Cardiologist at the hospital, so he was highly recommended."

[losing_my_religion]

Jason made a lot of sense, and Liz couldn't help being proud of her little brother, and how smart he was. He'd truly grown into a man that she was proud to call her brother. "I guess it sort of works out better if you wait a while anyway, then, because by the time you decide to give it a go again, you'll have worked with the guys at the hospital longer, and they'll be able to vouch for you knowing full well that you're everything they're saying you are. I'm glad you're not giving up on it, Jason... You were born to be a doctor. It's all you've ever wanted to do in life." She paused at Jason's question, still struggling a little with the fact that her religious upbringing definitely made her struggle with the whole premarital hookup thing. But Jason was here, and he wasn't here to judge, and she'd tell him the truth, no matter what. Not that the truth about Cameron was a bad truth anyway. "Blake's dad is Cameron Preston. He's a pro soccer player from England, and he's a fantastic father. He and I aren't a couple. We met in a bar one night after I got out of work... I know, major shocker, me in a bar. But he's been injured and they don't know if he'll ever play again. And we weren't even really drinking heavily. Cam's on painkillers that he can't drink with, and I've just never been a huge drinker. But we had a nice time chatting, and one thing led to another... Nine months later, I found out I was pregnant less than two weeks before my son was born. Ironically, delivered by Cam's cousin, Haley, who's an OB at the hospital."

Liz nodded understandingly, knowing that this had to be a huge shakeup for Jason to realize that his sister wasn't the same uber religious, judg mental person she'd been when he left. "It's kind of a funny story," she explained, shaking her head just a little, because the beginning of the story hadn't been one of her finer moments. "I had this guy come into my shop one day to check on the status of his wedding cake and make sure it was all set for the wedding day. Then he started talking about his husband-to-be, and I balked pretty seriously. All I could hear was mom and dad in my head telling me that God didn't approve... that marriage was between a man and a woman, and the poor guy looked heartbroken. He was going to have to find a place to do the cake on short notice, and it was a really intricate cake. I ended up calming the hell down and actually talking to him, and what I saw wasn't two people living in perversion and sin. What I saw was two people in love who wanted to have a beautiful wedding to share their love with the people they cared about, and I couldn't take that away from them. So I was invited to the wedding and I got to know them better, and then I ran into Lewis again... It was sort of a snowball effect." She turned her attention back to her brother's pending divorce, and asked, "Can you send someone to serve him the papers by hand to make sure he's there and got them? Wait, Mark? Mark Campbell is your attorney?"

[myturntobebrave]

"I like my job at the moment. I haven't been there long, and the pay is nothing astronomical, but it's enjoyable. I contemplated going to nursing school. It would be a quicker course, and there are a lot of avenues I could take with it, but I think my heart's still in wanting to do medicine. Plus, I literally have nothing else in my life right now. That isn't an exaggeration. My life is as boring as it gets. I go to work, I come home, I shop for groceries. That's about it. I haven't been here long enough to make a lot of friends yet, but it's definitely a work-in-progress. I can only try. If I can't get in them maybe I'm not meant to," Jason said with a shrug. Life had gotten him pretty flat lately, he couldn't deny that. He was at a bit of a loss and didn't have a lot to look forward to. He hoped one day he could find his feet again, maybe meet someone to get back into dating. He liked dating, and romance, and having company. But he was in limbo, so he just had to deal with it right now. "Wait... was this soccer guy your first?" he had to ask, because he knew his sister had always been on the no sex before marriage train with how they were brought up.

He couldn't help but smile at that story. Being out, proud and happy like that wasn't a fucking privilege, it was a right. No one should have their love judged, unless of course it was damaging and hurting others. But gay love was no more hurting christians than a fucking shark was hurting the man on the moon. It was bullshit, and Jason had become jaded and cynical. It was why he stayed away as long as he did, when he could've gone home to his family when everything crashed and burned in Minnesota. He just didn't want to. Even coming here to Liz today, it took a hell of a lot of balls for him. "You ran into Lewis? Lewis Sheldon? What ever happened to him? He just seemed to drop off the face of the earth, except when he was back maybe every other year for Christmas or Easter. Didn't you want to marry him at some point? All papers are served by hand. They told me he got them. Yeah, Mark's my attorney. He's apparently one of the best, and that's what I needed. I just need a clean slate. I fucked up, I know. But it's not too late to try again."