dreamlikenewyork | "I guess that's why they call it the blues."

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"I guess that's why they call it the blues."

Who: Marty Davison and Kalen Mercer
What: Cry in the night if it helps
Where: About a block from nearest NYPD precinct
When: Sunday evening

Marty was walking home from the gym, actually seriously contemplating going to hotel and checking in for the night to give Mikey and Paris some space. He had been staying with them a few months now, and even though they both said it was okay and the place was big enough, the third wheel sensation was kicking in the more their wedding plans developed. The wedding was going to be huge, and it was such a beautiful thing to be part of. Marty was so happy his twin had that, but it made his own heart ache even more.

He was randomly checking Facebook as he walked along which his gym bag hitched over his shoulder. He glanced up briefly to make sure he wasn't going to bump into anyone for the next little bit of his journey. There was someone walking out of the cop shop and Marty went to side-step to clear his path. Just as he did, though, the person sort of stumbled grabbing for the railing of the steps and started to be sick all over the last few of them. It drew Marty's attention for him to get a better look at the person, readying himself to see if they needed help.

That was when he realised who it was. "Kalen!" he gasped and rushed up to him without even thinking, taking his arm to try to hold him up in case he was going to fall down the stairs.

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Even feeling as sick as he was, Kalen's immediate reflexive reaction was to pull away from Marty's touch like it had physically hurt him. It hadn't. The touch was just like an electric shock, both from what he had been through and the fact it had been so long since he had been touched by Marty. It was kind of a chain reaction response, and because he jerked away so quick, he nearly did trip down the stairs but held himself up on the railing. Thank fuck, or he would have made a serious mess of his face. Just what no teacher needs when they have to stand up in front of teenagers on a daily basis.

He was in tears, and the nausea was burning through him. But once he realised it was Marty, there was actually a strange rush of relief through him to see a familiar face who had once been his safety blanket. He was in a mess from being sick, but he put his hand over his face with a sob. There was no energy to throw up his defences and try to hold Marty off anymore. Fighting that took too much energy.

Marty was feeling a panic rise up inside him seeing Kalen in this state. Plus, there was the fact he had just stumbled out of a police station in tears and was throwing up. In the past, when they were together, they took care of each other when they were upset or not well. Ever since that ended, Marty had felt like there was a huge part of him missing that nothing could fill. He felt like he had three parts: Himself, Mikey, and Kalen, and for a long time, two of those had been absent. It hurt to get pushed away like this, but there were warning bells ringing in his head because the way Kalen jerked away was almost like he had been burned. It was reactionary. Something was wrong here. Very, very wrong.

Still, he had to try again. This time, his hand very gently went to Kalen's arm and the other softly to his back. "Sit down, sweetheart. Just sit down for me," he coaxed, the pet name falling from his lips before he could stop it as he did managed to lead Kalen to stake a few steps back to sit heavily on the steps. Marty sat down beside him and sifted through his gym back to find his bottle of water for Kalen to rinse his mouth to have a drink. "What's happened? What is it? You're shaking like a leaf and soaked in sweat. What happened in there? Please tell me. I want to help you. I can take you back to Mikey's place, it's just nearby. It's not far. Please talk to me, K. Don't push me away anymore."

Kalen had gotten his life onto a relatively even keel here in New York, but he had been thrown for six running into Marty the night of the Footloose opening. Not if he had seen just Mikey, he could've handled it politely and Mikey would have been okay for the fact he hadn't stayed in touched because it had been too painful. But to see the twins together, it had felt like a kick in the guts because he had been blindsided and unprepared. He hadn't realised there was more links, six degrees of separation so they were, to Marty here in New York. But it was as simple as this... Kalen had been Justin's teacher when Justin was still taking classes at school. He was involved in a special program at the private school where he spent extra lesson time with kids who had issues that caused them to fall distinctly behind in their learning. Will, because of his cancer, and Justin because of his array of obviously obstacles to his learning, not all of which were known at the time. Because of this, around the time Justin was diagnosed with bipolar, Kalen met with Mark and Gen a few times to discuss Justin's education and learning, and it had been Kalen who had noticed an obvious natural talent in Justin to process music in a compartmentalised way departed from his other issues. He had urged the parents at the time to really nurture Justin's musical talents, and encourage him to keep using those because it could be a way he alleviated bipolar episodes as they hit. Because of this, Kalen and Justin developed a relationship and it was why he had been at Justin's opening night, proud as punch to see the kid up there doing amazing things. But he had no idea at the time that Gen's brother was engaged to marry Marty's twin. That was where it had been a mindfuck, and one he had failed to really process since it happened.

But this was his own past trauma rearing its ugly head here, again completely blindsided to the point he had ended up it an awful panic attack in the cop shop. He had gone along because he didn't really have anyone to go with him, and therefore had no support for it. They hadn't even told him much. Just that they wanted to ask him some questions regarding the sexual assault because it might be a lead on another opened case. He was a helpful guy, he figured he could handle it. He just never expected to have to relive the whole night for a statement, or to have to identify the guy in a line-up. And as if that wasn't enough, it turned out the guy who had tried to rape Justin and sent his whole world crashing down around him was the guy who had raped Kalen all those years ago. That was why he was in a mess here, why he was vomiting all over the steps, crying, and barely able to hold himself up. Now here was Marty popping up again and all he could do was sit down heavily, shivering despite having been in a sweat inside the stuffy interview room. "I-I can't... I can't," he sobbed helplessly, though he didn't know to which part he was answering.

Marty was beyond alarmed, and he had no answers. Kalen was too distressed to give anything with clarity, and that was okay. Of course it was okay. Kalen never got upset for no reason, and it had been a long time since Marty had seen him this upset. But he didn't want him to stay sitting here on the uncomfortable steps when he was clearly extremely upset and distressed, not to mention feeling sick. Marty's protective instincts were kicking in because he had been in love with this man for many years. He had never fallen out of love with him, it still burned inside. He didn't want to see him in pain or suffering. Ever. But he was. The way Kalen had pulled away from him, he didn't want to push his luck and distress him more trying to touch him. He had to try to keep his cool, even if Kalen had always been the exception to his cool, calm and collected rule.

"Please, come back to Mikey's with me. Okay? It's just a short distance, but we can get a cab. I don't care how pissed off they are at a small fair. I'll fucking pay them quadruple for it. You can have somewhere comfortable to sit, you don't need to be alone. You don't have to talk. Not to me, to anyone. But please just come back until you're feeling a little better. I'm not going to just leave you here alone like this, no matter how much you still hate me. I'm not," he insisted helplessly. "It's Mikey. You know Mikey. You know both of us, please let me help you."

Kalen didn't have the energy to fight any of this now. It was true, he did know Marty and Mikey, had for many years. He didn't want to be alone. His close friend, Taylor, had his hands full with what was happening to Bryce now. Taylor had admitted he had a lot of feelings for Bryce, and he needed to be there for him. It just showed that if you could recognise a spark of feelings, you had to act on them. How easily they could pass you by and you ended up alone. Alone was an awful thing to be when you were yearning for someone you lost and never felt complete without them. And Mikey knew what had happened. Maybe it was now really overdue for the truth to come out. It was going to come out soon enough anyone, once this case went to court and he had to testify against the cunt who ruined his life and he was now learning had nearly destroyed Justin.

He nodded, just a little, but enough to convey his agreement. He let Marty help him up off the step, and his stomach was still roiling. He hoped it would settle soon because that was making it harder. "I don't hate you," he soon offered as they went to wait for a cab. He was walking slowly because his legs felt like jelly. "I want to, but I couldn't. Hating you would have been the easy way. None of any of what happened was easy..."

For some reason, it hurt so much more hearing Kalen didn't hate him. It was true, that would have been easier. Because then the break would have made sense, and their ability to reunite pointless. All this hurt so much. Being near Kalen and not having him was one of the worst hurts Marty had ever felt, but he couldn't do anything about it. This, right here, wasn't about him. It was about the fact something was wrong with Kalen and he just wanted to get him somewhere safe and comfortable. He wanted to fire questions at him. All the questions that were flipping through his mind, but that would be stupid. Kalen wasn't just going to sit there and let himself be interrogated. What if that was what he had been going through in the cop shop? Not for a crime. Kalen wasn't the sort to do anything against the law, so what then?

He stuck close to Kalen's side, holding the water for him if he wanted some but he hadn't taken it yet. He flagged a cab and there was a distinct WTF look via the rearview mirror when he reeled off Mikey's address. He glared back and then took a $50 bill from his wallet and shoved it through the screen at the cabbie. "There. Just fucking drive the couple of blocks. Keep the fucking change." He was agitated because he knew this would happen. Kalen still wasn't looking so hot, but at least if he puked again in the cab, the dude would have his detailing costs covered in advance. It was a really quick drive, and he helped Kalen out of the cab once they got there. It was an expensive street in the most expensive suburb in New York City, but Paris was a rich bitch, so it was no surprise. "I don't even know if Mikey's home. He might not be. I'll make us some tea. You can lie down or whatever you need to do. I want get up in your face, I promise."

Kalen was looking up at the building. Now he knew the situation, it didn't surprise him. He knew who Gen and Paris were, he just didn't know before that night at Footloose that Michael was in a relationship with the guy who had become of of Justin's uncles through Mark's marriage to Gen. "I just need to sit down for a bit, if that's okay. I don't know if I can stomach anything right now," he admitted. He was feeling really rough and he was pretty sure if he didn't sit down again, and soon, he was going to fall down. Did he even want to confess to Marty what had happened? Would he be able to get the words out after all this time, and again in very quick succession of having to go over it at the cop shop.

He was feeling shaky, like he was going to pass out. It caused him to just latch on to Marty's arm to keep himself upright. He didn't have time to think about it, which was a good thing. Holding onto Marty used to be such a natural thing, it was a no-brainer. "I just need to sit down," he repeated and put a hand up to his head. What he needed was to go home, bury himself in bed and pretend none of this was happening. But this was happening and now he had to deal with it. Maybe all along, he knew that the day would come where he had to deal with this.

Marty was really concerned with how rough Kalen was looking right now. Hell, they had dated for a long time and had seen each other sick, but this was probably close enough to the worst he had seen him. He was so pale and he was shaky, the way he had grabbed for Marty's arm to keep upright told him how unsteady he was right now. Once they made it into the sprawling living room, he helped Kalen over to the cushy sofa to sit down, and took the chenille throw rug that was fancily draped over the back as a design piece to wrap around his shoulders. Because Kalen had rejected the offer of tea, Marty instead sat down beside him and all he could do was watch him worriedly before he spoke again.

Part of him was fearful to speak. Their past was terribly rocky, and Kalen had been stonewalling him since they bumped into each other at the theatre that night. That meant he didn't want to talk to him, but now here they were. Marty was worried that, if he spoke, Kalen would slip away from him all over again and he didn't know how much more of that he could take. He had his hand on Kalen's back, rubbing it softly without even thinking about it. "Are you okay? Do you think you might be sick again? I can get a bucket if you need me to. The bathroom's down the hall. This place is big enough, you might end up lost. Can... can you tell me what happened? Did something happened back there to shake you up like this?" he asked hesitantly and then put the bottle of water back into Kalen's hand. "Please try to drink a little bit."

Kalen shook his head. "No. I'm not okay," he had to reply honestly, albeit in a quiet mumble. His hands were shaking when he took a sip of the water obediently. There was something too easy in taking Marty's advice. He wanted to be angry at him, but this was exactly the reason why he had been avoiding any contact with him. He couldn't be angry with him. He could be sad, and hurt, and frustrated. But angry was what he had felt in the past, along with betrayed. What he felt like doing right now was just sitting there and crying, but if he did that, it would only confuse Marty even more. Marty didn't understand, because he didn't know what had happened. Now, away from the police station and relinquished of his obligation to make a statement after identifying his rapist in a line up, everything felt so raw.

"I don't know. I'm sorry. I still feel sick, but I don't know..." His voice was wavering and choked up again. He had to put the water down so he could hunch over and bury his face in his hands. As much as he wanted to try pull himself together here and put up a front with Marty, he couldn't do it. He was breaking down again because all those old wounds had been ripped open. Not just about the sexual assault, but now to face what happened with Marty. It was all too much.

Marty got up and quickly tracked down a bucket in the laundry room that the cleaner used when she was here, and got the box of tissues from his room. He was about ready to freak the fuck out because it was ripping his heart out seeing Kalen in such a state. He knew that meant something was seriously wrong because in the past, Kalen was usually such a together and strong person. Something was tearing him apart and breaking him. As frustrating as it was not to know, Marty knew that it wouldn't matter what it was until Kalen told him. What mattered was that Kalen wasn't okay and Marty was going to help him. He had to. There was no doubt.

He put the bucket down near Kalen's feet in case he worked himself up to vomiting again, but one again took the spot he had vacated beside Kalen. Then he was going to risk getting pushed away again, because he couldn't stop himself putting his arm around Kalen's shoulder to hold him gently. Marty knew that Mikey would probably know exactly what to do and say here. His twin always had the natural sensitivity knack. He was a gentle and caring soul, which is probably why he had done so well as Paris' PA, taking care of him and going way more the distance than other PAs would, because he cared for Paris. Not just cared for him... loved him. Like Marty loved Kalen. Something just came naturally when you loved someone. "Kalen..." he began again, but then words failed him. He didn't want to fuck this up.

"I was raped." The words left Kalen in a sob, breaking the silence that had filled the room. He hadn't pushed Marty away this time. As soon as his arm had wrapped around him in a comforting embrace, something finally gave way and those words were coming out. He had kept this secret from Marty for years, but it was too hard now. He couldn't fight it anymore. They were both in the same city now, and trying to keep that awful thing locked up inside him just got too much to cope with. He was so worn down and the cops had pushed him over the edge. They had dredged up everything he had worked so fucking hard over the years to bury deep down inside him. The hardest part of all was that he knew he couldn't obstruct them doing their job, because this was to help Justin and set him free. To get that cunt locked away for a very long time... not just to free himself, but to release Justin from the burden too. That was why it was hitting him so hard. He knew he couldn't keep running from it anymore.

He dropped his head in against Marty's chest and the crying was getting to be as hard as it had been when he had broken up with him. Was it a grief renewing itself, or was he just too exhausted to do anything but sob? He laid it on Marty abruptly, because he had asked, but now he was struggling to follow through with it. He ached all over, inside and out. And there was Marty holding him again, for the first time in a very long time and Kalen realised that he didn't want him to let him go.

It was literally like a sucker punch in the gut. It felt like the wind was completely knocked out of him. At first his brain seemed to want to assumed he had heard wrong, because that couldn't be right. It couldn't be. Not Kalen. He never wanted anyone to hurt Kalen, even if he had probably hurt him most of all. None of those feelings switched off when Kalen broke up with him. They were all still there, and not a day had gone by since they parted that he hadn't thought about Kalen. He was the last thing on his mind when he went to sleep at night, and the first thing he thought about when he woke up every day. He arm tightened just a little more firmly around Kalen's arms and the sound of his sobbing felt like it was cutting Marty in two. This couldn't be happening. Not Kalen.

"W-What... you w-were... you... that's why you were at the cop shop. To report it..." He wasn't forming complete rational thoughts. His words were shaky and stammering, because it was like if he said it out loud, it made it real. It was real, because Kalen wouldn't say that sort of shit if it wasn't true. Marty felt his own tears threaten, and then his eyes were welling up because he couldn't stop it. This news mixed with the fact he actually had Kalen embraced against him again after all this time, it was too much and he couldn't keep his shit together. He actually felt like he wanted to vomit himself.

"No. Not now," Kalen managed to get out. There was an undercurrent of frustration, but he couldn't just expect Marty to know what the fuck he was talking about. Of course he couldn't. Kalen had gone through such painful weeks, months, years determined that Marty didn't know what happened, so it wouldn't stop him going away. He would have thrown in the towel on the military and it was all he had ever wanted to do. He tried to wipe at his eyes to get rid of some of the tears, but they just kept falling. He was at the point now where he was struggling to even catch his breath because he was crying this hard. His face felt hot and flushed, and his eyes hurt. Everything hurt, really.

"Back then, before you were going away. It's why I didn't contact you. I was injured and trying to heal before we saw each other again, but then you fucking came around and accused me of cheating on you," he said. The words were so hoarse and choked. It was a struggle to get them out, to finally have the truth aired. It was a secret he had kept for so long, he felt dirty confessing to it. But he was already raw and in pain from having to do that at the police station. Why not just go the whole distance and get it out there for Marty. He was too broken and beaten down to hold onto this anymore for the sake of protecting someone else. "I knew if I told you, you couldn't fucking go through with the deployment. I couldn't be the reason for that. I-I was trying to protect you, and you turned around and thought I could fucking cheat on you."

Suddenly, things to make a hell of a lot of sense, but in a completely horrifying way. Kalen had hidden a rape from him to protect so he would still go away to some undisclosed location for an undisclosed length of time? He was speechless. Words were failing him and it felt impossible to process this. Kalen was in such a mess and even if it Marty was feeling like he should pull back like he had just been burned, he didn't. He still held Kalen while he cried and tried to get all of his out finally. Something he had been holding onto for this long. And as shocked as he was, he suddenly understood now why Kalen's harsh reaction to breakup with him had been what it was. Back then, Marty thought it was just because Kalen was offended, and he had tried to apologise but it hadn't worked. Kalen had screamed at him to get the fuck out and never speak to him again.

Now he knew why. He had been in the wake of being sexually assaulted, and apparently did it all on his own so Marty wouldn't quit the force and stay. He wanted to be so angry and betrayed. It was trying to break through, but it was drowned out by the shock and sickening pain that was engulfing him here. So, he just put his other arm around Kalen and held onto him, feeling like if he held too tight, he would break him. "I should've been there for you. You should've told me," he said in a hoarse whisper. It wasn't chastising, it was just helplessness and shock. He felt sick. He felt so damn sick. "Why were you... it's been years, why were you at the police station?"

"And you should've known I would never cheat on you!" Kalen snapped back through his tears. He didn't think this day would ever come, but here it was. He felt so ill and exhausted that it was like he didn't have the energy to get through this. But he would. He had to. It was out now, and you couldn't just put something like that out there to your ex and expect to just move on like nothing had happened. He couldn't bury his head in the sand any longer. The sand had just become like a security blanket for him over the years. Back then, the only person he told about the rape was Mikey, and more recently, he had confided in Ella one day when they were having a movie night together. An attempted rape scene had come up in the movie and it made him freak out, so he had opened up to her about it. Telling Marty was so, so much more difficult and painful. It was a pain unlike any other.

He really did feel like he was going to be sick again. He moved to sit forward with his hand pressed over his mouth to try to ride out the emotional nausea that was sloshing around in his gut. He felt Marty move, a comforting hand going to his back and commencing small soothing rubs to his back. This made him want to cry harder, because he missed this comfort. He had never felt whole since their relationship broke down. Once you find your true love, and lose it, it's impossible to fill the gaping hole they leave within you. The tears were still dripping down his face, but soon he manage to let his hand drop from his mouth to his lap. "They found the guy who did it. There have been more rapes here in the city recently, and there was a DNA match to him from my rape kit. There was also another attempt last year... one of my ex students. Paris' nephew, Justin."

Just when Marty thought things couldn't get any worse, it did. He had only met Paris' nephew briefly when he had been visiting Mikey at the office and Justin came in to visit Gen before he was heading to work for the evening. He was a pleasant kid, you could see that he was his father's son. Mikey had filled him in on a lot of what had happened with Justin, and he had touched on how the kid had been sexually harassed by one of the cast mates before the recasting had taken place. It was the same guy? Marty usually had genius-level intelligence but his brain was failing to understand how any of this could be a thing. That wouldn't help Kalen, though. He was the one who had lived through it, and alone, while Marty had been swanning off with the military.

So, it wasn't exactly swanning off. It had been fucking hard work, in a fucking hard location, and for way too fucking long. He was just severely hating himself right now for not realising something was wrong with Kalen back then instead of making the rotten false jump to conclusions that it had to have been an affair. He had let his own stupid insecurities about how their relationship would survive the distance get in the way, and this was how it had all ended. "All this time, and you never knew who did it?" he found himself gasping, because it felt hard to breathe. That was the penny that had dropped first. He didn't know what he was supposed to do or say here, all he knew was that he had to do something. "Kalen... darling... come here," he coaxed and gently pulled him into a hug to just hold him. "I'm so sorry..."

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"I guess that's why they call it the blues."

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