dreamlikenewyork | "We are family..."

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"We are family..."

Who? Austin Watson-Shaw and Rose Gresham
What? A gift for the bride
When? Before Angel and Rosie's wedding
Where? Their apartment

It had been a painful few days in the Watson-Shaw-Gresham household. There was absolutely no doubt of that. But in the midst of all of it, Rosie and Angel had decided that it was time for them to officially tie the knot. It had been some soul searching that led to the choice, but what of this whole thing wasn't soul searching? He and Beau had been doing the same thing, just as Rosie and Angel were, only on a different topic. But Austin couldn't help being happy for his twin and Rosie tying the knot. There was pain and mourning, no doubt, but also hope and joy.

Originally, the plan had been a huge double wedding with Angel and Rosie getting married and Austin and Beau renewing their vows, but Rosie and Angel needed this to be something special for them, and Austin and Beau were more than understanding... In fact, they were both happy for them that they'd chosen to do this for themselves. But before it was all said and done, Austin wanted to talk to Rosie.

He found her in the living room with Daisy cuddled on her lap, Angel having needed a nap, and took a seat next to her, a soft smile crossing his face as he tickled the bottom of Daisy's little foot. "Hi, darling," he said, kissing her on the cheek.

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Rose had spent the better part of the past few days in bed. It was like she couldn't function and didn't want to face it either. She had a taste of what Angel's chronic fatigue was like. She was tired and weak, it was like she had been hit by a bus. Turned out that she had the morning sickness thing Kate Middleton had because she had spent a night in the ER because she had been so dehydrated from throwing up. As much as she didn't want to admit it, the pregnancy had been really rough on her. That didn't make it easier to deal with the miscarriage. It made it so much more harder.

She was in her dressing gown nursing her little girl who was relaxed and content. There was non of the usual pre-wedding stress that many would be going through on the morning of their weddings. Rose didn't have the energy for more stress. She had picked out a wedding dress, but it hadn't really ultimately had much meaning to her beyond having little daisies over it and being white. It fit the bill, so that was what she asked Angel to purchase for her while she went back to being buried in her cocoon in bed. There was still a couple of hours until they needed to be at City Hall (she had no idea whatsoever that her husband-to-be had been busy pulling a lot of strings to surprise her with a wedding at Jane's Carousel). She didn't even manage much of a smile when Austin came into the room and she answered him with a soft, "Hey."

There was no doubt that this wasn't what anyone would expect a wedding day to look like. It was more a matter of Rosie and Angel needing, for their own satisfaction, to make this official. Austin could understand it. When everything had been going to hell around them with Beau's health, it had meant everything to Austin to be legally married to Beau... to be his husband as they walked that journey together with their families and closest loved ones. Austin had needed that then. Now Rosie and Angel needed it, and Austin didn't blame them for a moment.

What he did want, though, was to ensure that, even if they weren't going the full, celebrity dream wedding route, Rosie had something that was completely her to wear. The dress she'd picked out was sweet, but it didn't scream Rosie. But nothing would as far as Austin was concerned, because he himself had made her the perfect dress when they were still planning for the huge wedding. Not even Beau knew that Austin had it nearly done. The plan had always been for Austin to design the wedding attire, but this piece he'd kept top secret, for Rosie's eyes only until she walked down the aisle... or however she ended up coming to be seen at the wedding. He had designed it so specifically to her... a color she looked stunning in, a fit that was precisely for her petite shape, and it was so exclusively designed that he swore that no one else could look good in it but Rosie... Some would call him a dramatic bitch... He called himself an artist who knew his work and the people he designed for. He'd intended a sweet moment to give it to her, thanking her for being every bit a member of the family when Beau was sick, and helping Austin care for Beau... and for himself, when he forgot. "I have something I need to show you, darling," he said. "A wedding present of sorts. Do you have a minute to see it?"

Since getting a little older in her months, and heading for the home straight on the big Number One, Daisy had settled into being a really content baby. In her early days, she had been a big crier or could have really fussy days, but in between that, she had been an easy kid. She was happy and healthy, and hey couldn't be more proud of her. She was such a gorgeous little thing, ginger like her mommy but you could see both her parents in her features. She definitely had Rose's big blue eyes. She was always watching, taking everything in. She was happy to just sit with someone and listen to them reading to her, or chewing on anything she could get into her mouth. She had started teething a couple of months ago, so some days were tough on her when she wasn't feeling the best and her little cheeks were red because of it. But all in all, she was a sweet, and happy little girl. Being a mommy had become the most important thing in Rosie's world, and it was what she was clinging to now when she was suffering the emotional onslaught of everything.

Now, though, she felt like she was standing at the edge of a cliff, and she wasn't sure she had anything left to give for another pregnancy. She just knew it was too soon to discuss any of that. If she tried, she would just sit there and sob her heart out again and forget how to form words. Just because you miscarried, as they warned her, didn't mean you just switched the hormones off too. It took a little time for the body to pause and realise they didn't need to keep flooding her with them anymore. She nodded and stood, shifting Daisy to her hip. "Sure. But you didn't have to get me anything. It's no big deal..." No, it was a huge deal, she would come to realise. Something she didn't realise how much she needed, and wouldn't until it was happening.

"Oh, hush, you," Austin said with the most stereotypical sassy gay head wobble he could manage, putting his arm around Rosie on the side where she wasn't holding Daisy against her hip. "Can't a bitch give his sister-in-law-to-be a present without being told he didn't have to?" Still, he leaned in to give her a squeeze. "It's in my studio." When Beau had been ill, Austin's in-home studio that he'd mostly used for crunch time designs when he was home, had become the only place he did any work at all. Jace still worked with him on designing fabrics and textures for what he wanted, but it had all been done here instead of at the big design studio where he worked for Rian. This was something that he'd created from scratch... nothing else like it in the world, because Rosie was one of a kind. In a family full of ginger Greshams, each with their own personality, and each one a delightful person, Rosie stood out as far as Austin was concerned. All of them were wonderful, but Rosie was special. The love of his twin's life and the mother of his precious niece, but even beyond that, she was his own family, and he adored her.

He brought her into the studio and closed the door behind them after switching the lights on. He turned to face her, resting one hand on each of her arms and looking her right in the eye. "Rosie, sweetheart, ever since the day my brother met you, as far as I'm concerned, you've been a part of my family. Beau and I never would've made it without you and Angel when Beau was at his worst. You're one of the most beautiful people I've ever known. Selfless and kind, and with an open mind and heart. You are the most amazing fiancee to my brother, mommy to Daisy, and sister-in-law to Beau and me... You are everything I ever hoped my brother would find in someone to love. There is no way on earth that I can ever fully thank you for everything you've been to me and my family, but I can make your wedding a little more special, and that's what I hope this gift will do. Now close your eyes," he prompted, giving her and Daisy each a kiss on the forehead. Once Rosie's eyes were closed, Austin went to the closet where he'd kept Rosie's dress and Daisy's much smaller one hidden away. She brought the two dresses out, and held them up in front of Rosie before saying, "Okay, darling. Open your eyes now."

Normally Rose would joke back playfully at Austin's antics, but this time she just sort of looked at him quietly, and couldn't summon the feelings to fuel any humour in much of anything. It was very unlike her, and a lot of her light had gone in these past few days, leaving her wondering if she would ever be able to get it back. Daisy had hooked her little hand in the collar of Rose's shirt, just watching what was going on around. She was so curious, but such a content little girl. She took everything in, and they were very much at the point now that they had to watch their swearing around her because once she started talking more, she would be emulating all of them because she spent so much time with them. She talked a little bit, but not a lot yet. She was finding her voice and experimenting more and more. Mostly, she just liked to put anything and everything in her mouth she could get her hands on, which was also why they needed to be careful what they left lying around because she had been crawling for awhile and it probably wouldn't be long before she took her first steps.

She was just such an emotional wreck at the moment, a lot of it to do with the fact that she still had pregnancy hormones simmering inside her. Austin was such a beautiful soul, and she knew what he was saying was coming from his heart, but it was hard to hear after she lost their baby. She had a lot of self-blame over that, a lot of guilt. None of which would go away with people telling her she shouldn't feel it or emphasising it wasn't her fault. She still felt numb inside and out from it. She had no idea what was going on here, but she did obediently close her eyes. At least it meant she had a few fleeting moments to cockblock the urge to burst into tears being told to close her eyes. Then she opened them, not sure what she would be finding here and then then, with how brain-dead she was feeling, she didn't pick up on anything straight away. "Is this something new for Daisy's label?" she asked, touching the smaller dress because it did scream Daisy. Austin had developed a line in Daisy's name of baby couture but what had happened was anything he felt was purely for Daisy ended up in her wardrobe because he didn't want to share it with any other babies. "These are gorgeous," she told him with the best smile she could manage, because she was always one of the biggest fans of his work, whatever it was he was working on.

Rosie was such an utterly irreplaceable part of their lives now. It was strange, because Angel and Austin had been in their twenties, lived over twenty years of life without Rosie and Beau and little Daisy, but Austin for the life of him couldn't really seem to remember what life was like without them as a part of it. Things were hard sometimes... They always would be, because life wasn't meant to be easy. But they were a family, and one that Austin was thrilled to be a part of. Especially now that it included three extra people who he adored. When Rosie opened her eyes, Austin wouldn't have said she looked confused, but more that she just didn't get exactly what his purpose was here in giving her these. He smiled as she inspected them, grateful that she liked them. He'd worked on these slowly... meticulous with every detail... granted, that was his way with most designs, but this one? This one had to be the most perfect thing he'd ever created, and when it was done, he was incredibly proud of it. Rosie liking it was the last part... what he needed most to finalize this in his mind.

"Not for her label," Austin said with a smile. "It's a one of a kind piece for her. This fabric was a special design I worked with Jace on for a couple of days straight... There was only enough made for these two dresses, because no one else is going to wear it ever. We created the fabric specifically for you two, and the dress designs I made so that no one else ever could steal them, because they're so you and Daisy, too." He wasn't bragging at all... No, he was explaining to Rosie why these two dresses were so special to him. "I designed them when you guys first started planning your wedding, but I saved Daisy's until more recently so she wouldn't outgrow it before she got to wear it. I was hoping that you would wear it at the wedding. I know you have a dress, but it's a dress you just picked out and bought to have a dress... And that's okay, but this was made for you. Just for you. And I know it's not white, but I designed twenty different white dresses along the way, and none of them made sense in my head. They didn't suit you. You're too bright and colorful a person to have a white dress that other girls have worn to their weddings, too. I want you to stand out from every other bride, because you deserve it. And Daisy deserves to have the prettiest flower girl dress in the history of flower girl dresses, because she's the prettiest flower girl. I'd be honored to have you guys wear these."

It was probably the fact that Rose wouldn't have anticipated anything like this because it was happening quite quickly. She did really think they were just going to drop down to City Hall and get the papers signed with the quick, necessary ceremony and then go back to trying to heal from everything that happened with her losing the baby. She had picked out a nice dress that was pretty so she wouldn't just be rocking up in jeans and Ange's hoodie, but nothing felt wedding or bride-like to her. She had convinced herself she was passed that, that the time for a having a bright, cheery conventional wedding was gone now. She didn't think she needed it, and after the fact, she would come to realise how wrong she was and it was only the exhaustion and the grief playing tricks with her mind. Daisy was trying to reach to grab the bright, but probably very expensive fabric of the closest dress, so Rose took her little hand to stop her being able to connect with it, or it would end up straight in her mouth and covered in baby drool.

"... for me?" she asked, letting her mind tick over to catch up with what it was he was saying. He had designed her a wedding dress. This had been on the cards very, very soon after Angel proposed and they got engaged. It had always been what Rose wanted, when it was at the point she was fantasising about planning her wedding and doing all the things that screamed her and Angel to make it special. But having thought that was gone now, it was why she didn't immediately click to what Austin was saying here. This was her wedding dressed, designed especially for her, and a matching one for Daisy. Once that information filtered through, she did about the only thing she could have... burst into tears all over again.

The dress, in Austin's mind, was only a small token of love and appreciation compared to how much Rosie actually meant to him. She was a precious part of their family, the love of Angel's life, and had been such a huge help to Austin and Beau along the way. She had literally given of herself until there was nothing left of her to give, and Austin could never begin to repay her for that. Not that Rosie would ever ask him to. She was a giver just because it was who she was... not because she expected to get anything back in payment. It didn't matter, though. Austin had every intention on making sure she was the most stunning bride in the history of brides. No matter what she wore, she would look beautiful, but Austin was a designer, and it was a matter of personal pride to be able to dress his two favorite ladies in the world for the most important wedding in his life, aside from his to Beau.

"Yes, darling, for you," he said, watching her quietly as she seemed to take the information in. "The dress you chose is lovely, it really is, but it's a dress that hundreds of other girls will wear, too. This one is yours and yours alone. And Daisy's is only for her. No dress off of a rack is good enough for my favorite girls when they're making their family as official on paper as it has been since day one in our hearts." And then Rosie was crying, and Austin quickly hung the two dresses up on the closest rack in the room to gather Rosie and Daisy into his arms in a big hug. "Rosie, sweetheart, you deserve this... You deserve a special day that's worthy of the special person you are. So does Daisy. This is the day her Daddy and Mommy become man and wife, too... It's a day that should have gorgeous photos for her to look at when she's old enough to understand why this day was so special to all of us." He kissed Rosie on top of the head, then Daisy. "And you both deserve dresses worthy of such a day."

There was no doubt about the fact Rose was just feel so very overwhelmed by everything right now. Marriage was a huge thing, she knew that, but they weren't doing anything they hadn't been pre-empting and planning for since Angel proposed. Things had just come before getting up the aisle. In her heart, they were already married so it was just making it official so she could alleviate some of this detached feeling she was having with everything. Even through the cancer battles and Beau's illness, Beau and Austin still managed to get married. Rose felt exhausted having put everyone else before herself lately and she wanted something she could tether herself to just to keep her head above water. Angel was the who was going to be there to hold her through this, and the one who was going to not let go when she cried herself stupid because of the way she was feeling. She needed to be married, and she didn't need all the superficial bridezilla stuff that came with it. Maybe that would have been fun if she had no other responsibilities and only had to think about herself. But maybe that was the thing... she had never only ever just thought about herself.

Daisy managed to grab hold of a handful of the bottom of the dress, and considering she was teething, put it straight into her mouth. Rose automatically plucked it out quickly, not even thinking about it. You got a mommy or daddy autopilot when you had a little bubbly baby like Daisy was. She crawled like a bat out of hell and was getting into everything. "Sorry, this is just... it's..." She couldn't even find the right words to explain anything anymore. She didn't want Austin to think she didn't love them, because she did. She didn't want him to think she wasn't grateful, because she was. She looked up at him apologetically, eyes filling with more tears. "Everything is just really hard right now."

Things had been emotional overload for a long time now. Between the wonderful things that had happened... Angel and Rosie falling in love, getting engaged, bringing little Daisy into the world, Austin and Beau getting together, Beau surviving cancer... had been the difficult pieces. Angel's CFS, Beau's cancer fight, now losing the baby, and all the struggles they'd faced together as a family. It wasn't easy. Some of the things they'd been through Austin wouldn't wish on his worst enemies, much less people he loved and cared for. Rosie was the most selfless person Austin had ever known. She'd put aside her own wedding plans to try and plan a double wedding for her and Angel and Beau and Austin. She'd waited for that until Beau was feeling better. It had always been about what everyone else needed, because that's just who Rosie was. She had a long, difficult pregnancy with Daisy, but she had been willing to go through it all again for Beau and Austin. And that's why she was hurting so much now.

With the dresses put away, Austin was just going to hold on more tightly to his sister-in-law and his niece. "I know it's hard," Austin said, resting his head on top of Rosie's as he peered over where Daisy was looking very put out that her new chew toy had been taken from her, though she wasn't crying. Austin and Rosie definitely were, though, and Austin held onto her for dear life, because he needed her to know how much he loved and adored her, and how grateful he was that she was in their life. "I know everything in the world feels hard, and like it never won't be hard again. But I wanted your dress to be easy for you. It's not much, but it's something special, and you deserve special."

It was funny that with the pregnancy being as tough on her as it was, that Rose realised she was developing an appreciation for how Angel felt when he had flare-ups with his Chronic Fatigue. He had been reassuring her over the weeks that he got it, and it only dawned on her recently that he really did. When he went down, he went down hard and it usually lasted a week or two, sometimes more. He had to go to bed and just sleep, and everything from showing, using the bathroom, eating, was exhausting for him. He did get it, and it had helped knowing she had a partner in crime. Maybe she was supposed to feel better when she was no longer pregnant, but she felt worse. She was supposed to get some counselling, but she wanted this wedding and some time away first. She had to figure out how she felt before she could even begin to know how to put it into words for a therapist. Yes, people did suffer miscarriages every day. But she miscarried someone else's baby, that wasn't even genetically hers and it had hit her harder than she ever thought it could. It was only a couple of months along, but it was enough for the loss to be a huge impact.

"There's just a lot of people wanting to tell me how I should feel to help, but it's not what I'm feeling. What I'm feeling is completely different. I already feel like a failure, and that just makes me feel like more of a failure because I'm not feeling what they're saying I should be feeling," she tried to explain but she knew she was all over the place. Understandably, people wanted to help her and reassure her. They wanted to tell her that it wasn't her fault, she wasn't to blame, these things just happened. But none of that was how she was feeling inside, so she was clamming up because it was really hard to try to get people to understand what was going on inside her. She didn't want them to think she wasn't listening to them.

There was no part of Austin whatsoever that wanted to tell Rosie how to feel. He didn't see in her a failure. Not for a moment. But he knew that telling someone how to feel was the least likely thing in the world to help. He knew because of all the times that people had tried to comfort him when Beau was ill... All of them were well-meaning, but none of them helped in the slightest. No one could begin to understand what it felt like to watch your husband suffer in pain day in and day out, nor could anyone begin to understand what Rosie had been through. Austin didn't speak straightaway, instead choosing to give comfort by his quiet embrace. Little Daisy reached out gently and wrapped her fingers around the collar of her uncle Austin's shirt, and Austin nuzzled his cheek against her ginger hair.

"I won't tell you how you should feel, Rosie. People don't seem to get the fact that telling someone how to feel isn't helpful in the slightest. I don't know how you're feeling, or how you should be feeling. I know how your family feels about you, and I could tell you that all day long, but it's not going to make you feel better. I don't want to push you to feel better. I just want you to know that you're safe to feel whatever you feel with us. We're your family and we love you, no matter how you feel or what you think of anything. You can tell me what you're feeling, Rosie. I don't want you to think that you can't because it was my baby. Beau and I still adore you, and we still want you to know that we are here, whether it's just to listen, or to be there beside you when you need us to be." He gave her a small smile. "And no matter how much pain we've all been through, sweet girl, we're going to treasure the happiness of seeing you legally become part of our family... even though you always have been in our hearts."

Sometimes right now, it felt hard to breathe. Like everything in her chest hurt too much to completely catch her breath. She knew Austin was just trying to help here, but she couldn't tell him that she didn't think she could go through this again. She didn't know if she ever wanted to be pregnant again, full stop, let alone risk the chance of making another baby that wasn't hers that she was supposed to have taken care of for nine months. She hadn't even been able to do that. Nine months wasn't long, but she hadn't been able to get it right. Not to mention the fact that she knew her daughter picked up on sad or painful emotions and usually responded to them, when she was usually such a happy little baby. She didn't want Daisy to think there was anything wrong, but the way Daisy was clinging to her, she knew. She didn't understand what, but she knew something wasn't right. She hadn't even spoken to Angel in-depth about this stuff. Angel was Austin's twin brother. She trusted him unconditionally, but she was scared to talk to him about this stuff, not knowing how he would feel about it all.

"It's okay... I'm sure it gets easier like everyone says." She wasn't too convinced, though she did know painful things did ease given time. She had talked to Julie about it, who had miscarried her and Euan's baby before Euan fell sick with cancer. At this point in time, they weren't sure they wanted to try again because it had hit Jules so hard despite the fact Euan's sperm had been frozen 'just in case'. Julie still seemed affected by it, uncertain, scared. But she had spent time promising Rose that she was okay to talk about it, she just knew how hard it really was. So far, Julie was the only person Rosie had voiced her fears to.

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"We are family..."

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