"I'm broken when I'm open, and I don't feel like I'm strong enough..."

[evanalmighty]

Who? Christian Casey and Evan Turner (with an appearance by Bailey Quinn)
What? Sometimes it all just gets too much
When? Thanksgiving morning
Where? Mt. Sinai Hospital, ICU

Thanksgiving was a shitty day to start your first shift after days off, but then again, the only family he had in New York right now was his brother, so they'd planned to celebrate together on Evan's next day off. Evan wasn't much of a cook in the first place, but he did value his family more than anyone knew. So being at work on a day when most people were with their families was tough. But then again, he'd more than known this was part of the deal being a doctor.

Evan was an excellent doctor, and he knew it, too. It was why, in cases like this one, where the patient had injuries on top of neuro problems, not to mention an untreated MS diagnosis, he was the first port of call for the neuro side of things. What he wasn't expecting was to walk into the patient's room today to find Dr. Casey standing there next to the patient, a young kid about Jace's age by the name of Bailey Quinn. The kid was somewhat of a high profile case when it came to light that all of his medical bills were being paid by Grayson Quinn, who was apparently his brother, literally from another mother.

But as Evan was making notations in the guy's file, under the careful and very obvious supervision of Dr. Casey, there was something that snapped in him. At first, he wasn't sure he could explain it. He was trying to hold it together, and then it hit him hard that what he was feeling was something akin to a flashback to seeing his own little brother in a hospital bed. This had never happened before, and Evan wasn't sure why it hit him so hard right now. Maybe because of the age of the kid, or the fact that he was so fucking sick and hurt, too. But whatever it was, he was sitting here feeling for all the world like he was going to be sick. After writing down one more note in the file, he cleared his throat and glanced over at Christian. "Dr. Casey, you'll have to excuse me for just a moment. I... um... I'll be right back." He handed the file over to the other doctor and walked out the door a bit too quickly before tearing down the hallway at a full sprint and ducking into the nearest on-call room. Before he even got the door fully closed, he found himself slumped against the nearest wall with his face buried in the crook of his elbow in tears.

Comments

[givemethenews]

After finding out they were each other's anonymous online fuck buddies, things had been even more tense between the two of them. As much as Christian wanted to avoid the guy, it was impossible and that was frustrating the hell out of him. As far as he was concerned, the guy was the biggest to ever exist and it only made it worse that - the conclusion Christian had come to - Evan lied online to try to get into his pants. It was unfathomable to Christian that he was the same guy he worked with, so it had to be all lies, right? It didn't just annoy him, either. He was hurt. At first, he didn't even know why he had been feeling like that. He eventually boiled it down to the fact he had been hoping so damn hard the guy online might be a serious contender to finally find someone he could date, be close with, fall in love with. All those things he really wanted because lately, he had been so fucking lonely.

He was stressed too. He had been overseeing two of the most high-profile local cases in Julian with Grayson, and now the Fitzpatrick shooting. Bailey was just an added branch to that, and after he had been handed over the full back-story from Riley, he had a huge soft spot for this kid. He wasn't really a kid, but he seemed like it. He was a shorty and how sick he was at the moment made him look a lot younger than the 21 he was. Plus, he was a sweetheart of a guy. Very unassuming, and the only unrest he had seen in the guy was frustration over his body not working and anger that his father rejected him. Which is exactly why he was immediately pissed off when Turner just fucked off in the middle of a consult. The kid was feeling rejected enough with his condition and his circumstances, he didn't need to be thinking his doctors didn't even have enough time for him to get through a single consult.

He squeezed Bailey's shoulder very softly, trying to reassure him. "We'll be right back, buddy. I promise. Try and have a little more juice for me, yeah?" he coaxed, handing Bailey his orange juice box and then exited the room to hunt Turner down. He was out for blood on this one too. He saw him go into the consult room, so he followed him in, already poised for an argument. He never expected to find what he did. "What--" he began, but it died on his lips because he was so shocked. He couldn't just leave it, because this was as confusing as all hell. "What the hell is going on?" he finally asked, though his tone was less combative and more confused.

[evanalmighty]

The last person Evan wanted to follow him into the room was Christian. The pair's strong dislike for one another -- perhaps even all-out hate -- seemed to grow every day, though Evan had initially tried to work through it on his part. Christian had made it very clear that he didn't believe a word out of Evan's mouth, and Evan may not have liked it, but there wasn't a damned thing he could do about it. And he had to admit, it had rattled him. Evan had never been ashamed of who he was or the kind of doctor he was, but Christian had made him see very clearly in the bar that night why other people had the perception of him that they did, and Evan couldn't help feeling kind of bad about that. Because his intention in the kind of doctor he was definitely wasn't to be an asshole. It was to make sure that his paatients got the best care possible. He just had never quite been open enough to realize that meant that other people's patients suffered when he was a dick throwing his weight around.

But in the moment in which Christian caught him, there wasn't an ounce of his usual cocky swagger, or the half-cocked smile that made it very clear that he had exactly zero fucks to give what anyone else was thinking. All that stood in its place was a guy who had seen perhaps the single most important person in his life go to hell and back, and maybe had never completely dealt with it. Jace was his little brother, but more than that, he was Evan's closest friend, and the one that he'd always felt responsible to protect. And while he was doing so much better now, there was nothing Evan could do about the overwhelming grief that he felt over the miserable time that his little brother had gone through, and the fact that they'd very nearly lost him.

And so here he was, bawling his eyes out uncontrollably, and right in front of Christian, too, and there was nothing he could do but stand there wiping his eyes and hope like hell that he'd get it under control before long, because he had to get back to work. The poor kid in there probably thought that Evan hated him or something, when that was the farthest thing from the truth, and Evan needed to get his shit together to get back in there and talk to the kid some more. He shook his head, trying to catch his breath, and glanced over at Christian. "Look, I... I just... I need a minute, okay? I know you hate me, but please don't tell anybody about this."

[givemethenews]

Christian gave confused shake of his head and held up his hand when he finally got a response from Evan. He wasn't going to be a bitch, of course he wasn't, but there was no way he could just walk out without an explanation. Doctors like Evan Turner didn't just walk the hell out of an important consult and end up in a bawling mess for no reason. Sure, it was a stressful job and a lot of things could lead someone to just snap when they were overloaded. It happened to the best of them, but this guy had made out like he was invincible and Christian wanted to know what was going on. "I don't hate you, you just haven't given me any reason to particularly like you," he pointed out. He didn't have the energy to harbour things like hate for a colleague when his energy was injected into hating people who gunned down his patients in the middle of New York City.

He sighed then, because it was at the tail end of his long shift and he still didn't have any distinct plan for Bailey when they kid had been left in limbo for so long already. He was just tired and he was epically confused about what was going on here. Riley had specifically requested Evan be assigned to Bailey's case, and Christian didn't ask questions. Riley was a good doctor and one of the best ER physicians they had. He always managed excellent patient follow-up once they were transferred through to other wards. And this time, the patient happened to be his other half's brother, so there was more at stake here. Riley would have their balls in burning suspenders if they mismanaged Bailey's case. In the end, Christian just grabbed a chair from the nearby table and pulled it over so he could sit down near where Evan was. "You know I can't just walk out and pretend I didn't see this," he reminded him quietly and calmly. "You either need to tell me what's going on, or I have to get on that phone to transfer Bailey's care to the neurologist on call. That kid needs to start some meds tonight."

[evanalmighty]

The reason that Evan had snapped wasn't something he'd shared with a lot of people. Jace's injury had happened years ago in Chicago, and no one here would know about it unless they knew Jace personally. Evan's personal life wasn't something he felt the need to share with a lot of people, if for no other reason than the fact that his persona at work was very self-assured. He was known for having a huge ego and being the kind of guy who never let anything get to him. And yet, here he was with this patient not entirely unlike a lot of his other patients, but the kid reminded him so much of Jace that it had torn him apart inside before he even saw it coming. He was trying to hold it together, but it just wasn't working, and here was Christian needing some sort of explanation, and Evan knew he had no choice but to give him one. He tried like hell to think of how to start explaining this, but his mind was on some sort of overload, and he really didn't know where to begin.

"I know you can't," Evan admitted, wiping at his eyes as he tried to pull himself together. What the fuck was he thinking here? Why couldn't he just suck it up and go on, as he'd always done with his patients? He groaned, wishing like hell that he'd been better able to hold it together, but finally met Christian's gaze and grabbed another chair to sit down for a moment. "I never told you why I became a neurologist, but it's a rough story. I've got two little brothers. Peter and Jace. Jace is the baby, and I've always been really protective of him. When he was eleven, he was hit by a car and suffered major brain damage. That kid in there is about the same age as him, and I just... all I could think about was what if Jace had been like him? Barely any family, nobody he could really trust when he was hurt? What if he'd gone without the medical care he needed for too long because he didn't have the cash for it, or... Shit, I don't know, dude. I'm not making any fucking sense."

[givemethenews]

There were always Kleenex pretty much on-hand wherever you needed it in a hospital. And if there wasn't, there wouldn't be a supply closet very far away with a restock. He leaned over to reach the nearby box and held it out to Evan. "Yeah? I'm listening," he told him and he was still calm. Usually when they were in a room alone together it was to bitch each other out out of ear shot of their patients. This was definitely some unmarked territory for them. In fact, if anyone else walked in right now, they would probably think they were hallucinating seeing the pair of them having a somewhat civil conversation. He realised at that point that he didn't know Evan had brothers. Actually, that wasn't really accurate. The guy online had mentioned having brothers, but Christian kept separating him and Evan in his brain because it was still really hard to believe they were the same person. In fact, the guy online had mentioned a little brother who needed taking care of but they hadn't gotten to the point of elaborating on the why.

Then Evan was elaborating, and Christian couldn't help frowning in concern. This was seriously heavy and he was looking at Evan now like it was almost an unbelievable story because this was Evan, the king of the assholes. One that Christian wouldn't have even pegged as being capable of crying. "I've never seen you even remotely close to showing this much... compassion and emotion over a patient," he told him quietly, feeling like it was something he needed to emphasise because really, it explained a lot of why Christian didn't feel he could connect to Evan. It felt like they were two different types of people. "How is he now?"

[evanalmighty]

The offered box was greatly appreciated, and Evan took a couple of the tissues and wiped at his eyes and nose. It was unexpected to say the least, because the two of them really didn't get along well, and it had gotten even worse after the disappointment of realizing that their online connection had been so strong, and they had turned out to be who they were in person. It had been a shocker to say the least, and had only led to that much more awkwardness, tension, and lack of communication between them at work unless entirely necessary. Evan had tried to somewhat keep his ego a bit more under control, but the fact was that old habits died hard, and with Lachlan not quite as readily available as usual to put Evan in his place, it had been that much harder to keep his bullshit under control. But this was just more than he could've ever imagined, and here he was having to spill his guts to Christian to avoid being taken off a case that really, really meant something to him.

"He's doing really well. They've got his condition pretty well controlled with medication, and he's doing a good job of keeping up with everything. He's really artsy, and he became a tattoo artist, which is pretty freaking cool. He lives with me here in New York. The rest of our family is in Chicago. The kid just... He reminds me of Jace, and I can't... It just blew my mind a little bit. That's all." Evan looked at Christian as if waiting for the other guy to laugh in his face for being such an asshole most of the time.

[givemethenews]

"That's all?" Christian asked. It was a pretty nutshell version and it didn't entirely explain how it lead to Evan breaking down in the middle of a consult. He wasn't going to push the guy to talk. Not when their relationship was precarious and could break into arguments at any moment. "Do you even ever talk to anyone about all that? Or talked to someone," he added. If he wasn't mistaken, it sounded like Evan had maybe a lot of all this bottled up. Maybe back when it was all happening, he didn't talk it out, just kept it all inside. Was the Almighty Ego just a façade he kept up so no one knew he had the ability to be human just like everyone else? He quietly contemplated Evan for a short while, but he couldn't figure this out. It was entirely out-of-character, but maybe it was because he just wanted everyone to think he was awesome and invincible so they didn't gain access to this vulnerable side of him. Was the little brother the elusive Achilles Heel?

"Did you become a neuro because it's a way to try to make up for what you couldn't protect your brother from?" he finally asked, holding Evan's gaze. This was some serious fucking business being dug up now and Christian was probably the last person Evan wanted digging this deeply into him. But Christian was the ass Evan felt he was. Far from it. They just clashed. He also wasn't going to let this drop until he could understand it more. If there was a reason for Evan to be a cocky S.O.B. all the time, then Christian wanted to know because maybe - just maybe - it might mean they had a foundation to set their differences aside.

[evanalmighty]

A small shake of his head was all the answer Evan gave to that. He hadn't talked to anyone. His parents had tried to get him to, but he'd always insisted he was fine, and couldn't afford taking the time away from his studies. The truth had been that he didn't even know where to start talking about it. It hurt too much, and any way that he tried to approach it, he felt like he would've lost it. Evan had always been cocky, but never quite to the over-compensating levels he was now. After thinking on it a minute, he gave Christian the same answer he'd given to his parents so many years ago. "I never really had time. It happened right before I started med school, and if I wasn't at school and studying, I was getting back home as quick as I could to spend time with Jace. That was all that mattered. Still is, really. That's honestly why I even bothered with the online dating in the first place. Gay clubs used to be my scene, but I have Jace at home with me now. That's what matters to me, and everything else kind of had to take a back seat."

At Christian's question, Evan turned his head a little, not even wanting to look the other guy in the eye. He hadn't expected him to catch on quite so damn quickly, and it somewhat rattled his cage to realize that the carefully constructed walls he'd built around himself were so damn easy to break down after all. "I didn't plan for medical school to be a neuro. I wanted to be a trauma surgeon like my dad. He was so fucking good at it -- served in the army and everything. But after what happened to Jace, I wanted to pursue a specialty that would give me the opportunity to help people deal with stuff like what happened to him, so maybe I could make it so that just one family would have a shot at getting through what we did. So there... You know my big secret now. I never figured you'd be the one to get it out of me, but hey... life's full of surprises, huh?"

[givemethenews]

Christian gave him a small point. "You were just deluding yourself, dude. If you really wanted to face up to it and talk it out, you would have made the time. It just sounds like you got so used to bottling things up that you convinced yourself that you didn't need it. You could cope without it. Turn into an asshole instead so no one thought you have a vulnerable side or a weak side. Maybe even so no one could use Jace or his condition against you." He was quiet for a moment then, contemplating the situation. He had never much been into gay bars. He wasn't completely opposed to them, but they had never been something he really got into or enjoyed. The whole back room sort of thing really wasn't for him. He had always somewhat been holding out for something more of value, which it probably why he let himself get in so deep with the online thing himself. It seemed easier and cut out that straight to fucking thing that was mostly inevitable if you were trawling gay bars. After a long or hard shift, the last thing he wanted to do was go to a bar and pretend he was into all that. "How bad is his condition?"

He shrugged. "I guess I just don't get why it was such a big secret. We're all doctors here, medical professionals. None of us were going to use your little brother to downbeat your position as neurologist. In fact, let's be real here, you pretty spend a lot of your time trying to do that to others to mark your territory. At least Lachlan knows how to keep you right," he added with a bemused smirk. "The way it seems, it's like a dirty little secret or something that you don't want anyone knowing, but why? Has it just become habit for you? What do you do it Jace wants to come here and visit? Pretend he belongs to someone else? Hell, if Maddi and I didn't have breaks together here on the regular, we'd probably hardly ever see each other."

[evanalmighty]

"I've never been one to share my feelings. My dad's ex-military, and he and my mom are great people, but he wasn't the type to talk things out. He just toughed it out and kept going. That's kind of how I always was, but then again, before Jace got hurt, I never really went through anything serious like that. It was pretty smooth sailing. Jace is the baby of the family. We all love him and protect him like it's our job. And then when he got hurt, it was like... Like no pain I've ever felt before. We were all terrified we were going to lose him." He paused, slumping back against the wall a little as he looked at Christian. Why did this guy give a fuck? He'd given him no reason to whatsoever, and he couldn't have blamed him for telling him to fuck off, or just leaving him there on his own. But instead, he was showing interest, and listening to what he had to say. "He's... Some days are really good. But then other days get bad. He has serious migraines, and absence seizures. He couldn't go to college, because he just can't retain information like that. It was just too much on his plate. He ended up going the artsy route instead. But he manages to work and have a life, which is more than I could've asked for."

Christian was still pressing gently for a bit more information, and Evan wasn't even sure he knew how to explain what he was being asked to explain. "I don't try to hide Jace from anybody. I really don't. When he comes in, I tell people he's my brother. I'm proud of him. But I just... The truth is that I am ashamed, but not because of him or his condition. I'm ashamed of myself because I feel like I... Like I let him down. I'm his big brother. I'm supposed to take care of him. And the one time that he needed to be protected most, I wasn't there. It just... Dude, it's heavy. I know deep down there's nothing I could've done, but it just... It fucks with me. And I didn't want to give anyone the chance to use that against me ever. Maybe I'm just kinda nuts, but it's how I felt, dude. That was my family, and I didn't want to share it with the world."

[givemethenews]

Christian cleared his throat softly as he listened. "Just because you aren't used to sharing your feelings, that doesn't mean you don't have them. I mean, and don't take this the wrong way, but I really hope Jace didn't think he had to bottle all his feelings up after the accident because of some 'ex-military' mindset," he said, making quotation marks in the air with his fingers. "I just got to think that for him, don't you kind of owe it to him to talk this out on some level. Especially if it's still affecting you as much to break down seeing a patient that reminds you of what he's gone through. Something unresolved is still going on in there. He sounds like he's a really great kid, and... well, this is why you would probably be a great choice for Bailey's case. Because this kid doesn't just need a doctor and a neuro signing off on his meds, he needs people who truly care about him and he can identify with, because this is all terrifying for him. He's never faced anything like this before. It's just been him and his mom, barely making ends meet."

"Look, you didn't let him down. I can understand wanting to keep protecting him, because he needs it. He's ill with someone that won't go away, just like Bailey is. But you are letting yourself down not dealing with this. Accidents happen every single day, dude. You just need to go up to the coma unit for fifteen minutes to see that. Look at Jeremy Peterson. Do you think it's his brother's fault for what happened to him? A lot would say it is, but you ask Jeremy, and he denies vehemently that it's Tyler's fault. If it's fucking with you, it could keep fucking with your ability to deal with patients like Bailey who, let's be real here, are your bread and butter," he had to point out quietly.