Jesse rested his head on his other hand, giving Jace a faint but amused smirk. He appreciated Jace's humour, considering they were talking about things he was sure he was ready to directly confront just yet. He wasn't really avoiding it. He hadn't been actively avoiding telling Merlin the true extent of the religious abuse and homophobia he had been victim to from his own parents and family members and he always promised himself that if ever they stumbled across it, he would be open and honest. They hadn't because even though the Larsons had been members of the same church as his parents, they hadn't been remotely as religious and even then, they stopped going after Damien came out as gay and had his parents' full support. There was a time when Brandon was really unwell in the lead up to his and Merlin's wedding that it came near when Wesley moved to New York and admitted his father had hit him. Merlin had asked Wes if it was because he was gay but Wes hadn't come out at that point. It just wasn't the right time for Jesse to touch on his own past with Brandon being so unwell. "I'm never divorcing you, darlin'. You're stuck with me forever, I'm afraid. It's not like I haven't had my moments. How old were you when Evan told you about his substance issues? He would've been concerned you'd blame yourself too, though. I know how you both operate. I think Merlin's going to feel guilty he got out and I didn't. Because that's just natural for him. I don't want him to ever think that."
"That's the part I find difficult to calibrate. Everything that happened led me here. Without it, I just wouldn't be here. I don't mean alive, though I hit rock bottom enough to think the world might be better off without me after the conversion therapy. I just mean at this exact place and I wouldn't change anything in my life because of that. Not even having epilepsy because if I didn't, I wouldn't have met my soul mate. Eventually, I weathered the worst of it and escaped to make my own way. What I wanted more than anything was to leave it in my past. It was something I knew I'd not have to go through ever again and I didn't want it to turn me into someone I didn't like, let it bleed into the things I was choosing happiness in. I get that's probably a real simplistic or even naïve way of looking at it but it took enough from me. They took enough from me. My childhood. My brother. Parental love without conditions. I look back and doubt they did love me how they were supposed to. Maybe because my father knew I wasn't his. Not that I'm making excuses for him. He's a violent homophobe. But I really think the only reason they even kept me was because they didn't believe in termination or divorce. I really think they both hated me right deep down inside because I was a product of their sins. Then when I turned out being gay, they saw that as punishment for them. Same as me getting meningitis and having epilepsy. It was punishment for me being flawed. Born wrong. I'd say they both blame my biological father for that and that makes me feel physically sick. So, I know they probably think the same about Merlin now. I heard through mutual friends of family members that they were disgusted when he announced he was married to a man. I just fucking hate that this is my past." He put his hand over his face and shook his head with a sigh. "Thank god for the Larsons, getting him away from all that."
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"That's the part I find difficult to calibrate. Everything that happened led me here. Without it, I just wouldn't be here. I don't mean alive, though I hit rock bottom enough to think the world might be better off without me after the conversion therapy. I just mean at this exact place and I wouldn't change anything in my life because of that. Not even having epilepsy because if I didn't, I wouldn't have met my soul mate. Eventually, I weathered the worst of it and escaped to make my own way. What I wanted more than anything was to leave it in my past. It was something I knew I'd not have to go through ever again and I didn't want it to turn me into someone I didn't like, let it bleed into the things I was choosing happiness in. I get that's probably a real simplistic or even naïve way of looking at it but it took enough from me. They took enough from me. My childhood. My brother. Parental love without conditions. I look back and doubt they did love me how they were supposed to. Maybe because my father knew I wasn't his. Not that I'm making excuses for him. He's a violent homophobe. But I really think the only reason they even kept me was because they didn't believe in termination or divorce. I really think they both hated me right deep down inside because I was a product of their sins. Then when I turned out being gay, they saw that as punishment for them. Same as me getting meningitis and having epilepsy. It was punishment for me being flawed. Born wrong. I'd say they both blame my biological father for that and that makes me feel physically sick. So, I know they probably think the same about Merlin now. I heard through mutual friends of family members that they were disgusted when he announced he was married to a man. I just fucking hate that this is my past." He put his hand over his face and shook his head with a sigh. "Thank god for the Larsons, getting him away from all that."