Jesse laughed and pushed his spaghetti around with his fork. "Then we'll make sure you're not the little spoon tonight. But I can't forgo snuggling for another night. You were in pain and running hot the past few nights, so I just left you alone and rubbed your back while you slept. I didn't want you to be uncomfortable when you couldn't tell me what was wrong. Bubble bath and an early night with you sounds like exactly what I need, darlin'. Even if I'm risking you turning the bath into a jacuzzi after this dinner." It wasn't had to joke back with Jace. He didn't want this to turn into a pity party when it was the first he had Jace back feeling himself in days. It would always be tough when Jace was sick and pulled away but his seizures did affect his moods and emotions sometimes because of the location of the brain injury. The emotional separation was tough when usually, they were extremely close emotionally and physically. When they were both well, they had a really healthy sex life and were both huge romantics at heart. He didn't take any of that for granted. "You're right, beautiful. I should probably talk to Merlin about some of this. But I'm conscious of not wanting to burden him more than he already is at the moment. I do have to chat with him about how things went with Cillian, though. When I called, Brandon said he was crashed out so I'll go around and see him tomorrow."
He put his fork down on the side of the plate because even just letting his memory walk back to the conversion therapy tactics he was subjected to made his stomach clench. He squeezed Jace's hand, appreciating that he was reminding that he was always there to listen, even if mentally, he didn't always fully understand or retain more complex things sometimes. He still tried and Jesse loved him for it. "That's... yeah. As pointless as it is expended energy thinking about it, I've been wondering how life could've been if my mother chose to give me up for adoption like she did Merlin. Or, ideally, tell my real father she was pregnant with his child so he could've made the choice to know me. To love me. Which is all silly and pointless to waste energy on. They're just what-ifs. No one can really go back in time to change things, as cool as owning a Delorean would be. All the religious shit, the strictness and coldness with me, the conversion therapy, making me hate myself for what I was, I didn't need to go through any of it. Maybe I need to go back to therapy. Not sure visiting my dad's grave will bring me much peace this time. I really hope this feeling isn't because I'm going to end up having a seizure myself. It's the last thing any of us needs right now." He picked up his fork again and took a small mouthful of the spaghetti in lieu of giving into that urge to cry. He really didn't have any appetite, though.
no subject
He put his fork down on the side of the plate because even just letting his memory walk back to the conversion therapy tactics he was subjected to made his stomach clench. He squeezed Jace's hand, appreciating that he was reminding that he was always there to listen, even if mentally, he didn't always fully understand or retain more complex things sometimes. He still tried and Jesse loved him for it. "That's... yeah. As pointless as it is expended energy thinking about it, I've been wondering how life could've been if my mother chose to give me up for adoption like she did Merlin. Or, ideally, tell my real father she was pregnant with his child so he could've made the choice to know me. To love me. Which is all silly and pointless to waste energy on. They're just what-ifs. No one can really go back in time to change things, as cool as owning a Delorean would be. All the religious shit, the strictness and coldness with me, the conversion therapy, making me hate myself for what I was, I didn't need to go through any of it. Maybe I need to go back to therapy. Not sure visiting my dad's grave will bring me much peace this time. I really hope this feeling isn't because I'm going to end up having a seizure myself. It's the last thing any of us needs right now." He picked up his fork again and took a small mouthful of the spaghetti in lieu of giving into that urge to cry. He really didn't have any appetite, though.