Jesse took the lids off the pasta containers and served up some of each dish for Jace. Jace's fine motor skills were one of the first things to take a hit when he had seizures. He never opposed help when he was recovering from the because he just got frustrated if he tried himself and couldn't manage. Jesse just knew automatically what carer interventions Jace needed and when. Of course, it wasn't always spot on and sometimes, Jace just got pissed off at being disabled and could be snappy at the help. But Jesse did too when he tried to do things and couldn't after his own seizures. That's why he opted for Italian for dinner. Jace only needed to navigate a fork to eat it and could eat the garlic pizza without cutlery. He nodded and smiled tiredly at his husband, putting his hand to the back of Jace's head so he could tenderly kiss his forehead. "Of course, I know that, darlin'. You don't want me suffering anymore than I want you to be. Epilepsy is a just a shitshow and it's okay to just plain hate it some days. Maybe it's better for me to say I wish I could take it from us both and blast it into outer space forever so neither of us have to deal with it. If only, huh?" He served himself up some of the less cheesy/creamy options because he didn't want to end up with a sore stomach of regret later. He never did well with overly creamy stuff but Jace loved it. "I'm, um... yeah. I've been trying to figure out exactly what's making me so emotional. It's a bit of mess in my head. I wanted Cillian to know he could ask me anything and it was a safe space to offload some of the stuff I knew he'd be feeling because I went through the whole trying to find my biological dad. It's a strange, surreal mix of feelings that don't all make sense. You feel straddled over two lives, the one you always knew and the scary uncertain one you're facing head-on but knowing you could well be rejected from before you even step into it. It's terrifying and even painful in some ways. I did want to try to buffer Merlin from some of that because it's a disconcerting feeling when it's happening and he's been through so much already. But it's making me think a lot about my old life and what I went through. It's also bringing back that odd sadness of missing the dad I never knew and yearning for him to just give me a hug and tell me he loves me and wants me, which is all Cillian really wants. Shit, I don't know why I'm so teary. I'm so happy for Merlin. I don't want him to think I'm not." He grabbed a napkin and pressed his eyes with it to get rid of the tears before they fell.