Brandon Blake (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
signofthetimes) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
dreamlikenewyork2023-06-24 03:37 am
signofthetimes) wrote in dreamlikenewyork2023-06-24 03:37 am
"You were just a step behind when the strength was hard to find."
Who: Brandon Blake and Merlin Blake
What: Leukemia v2.0
Where: Mount Sinai, NYC
When: After this
“Bran… Bran? Shit— Bran, you gotta wake up, darlin’. Seriously, wake up!”
Brandon struggled out of a deep sleep hearing his name but abruptly jolted awake with the desperate tapping on his arm, closely followed by a shaking of his shoulder. He peeled his eyes open, squinting against the light that assaulted them and realised it was Merlin trying to wake him up urgently. He must’ve fallen asleep lying on the hospital bed with him after Tara and Beau left without realising, so he was groggy and disoriented for a few moments. “... wha—?”
“The edge of the blanket’s stuck under your butt. I can’t get it off my legs. I need to go to the bathroom, like, now. Seriously, baby. Move. Please? Or this ain’t gonna end well.” With a panicked whimper, Merlin tugged sharply at the blanket to try to release, already awkwardly half out of bed and hanging onto his IV pole to take with him once he was untangled from the blanket and Brandon’s embrace.
“Fuck, sorry. Sorry! I’ll help you.” Brandon disentangled himself from the sheets to shove the blanket off his legs, trying to help Merlin up at the same time. That was when he was rudely reminded he was attached to an IV too and nearly pulled the damn thing out of his hand when the tube caught around Merlin’s elbow. “They said this wouldn’t happen!”
Now his legs were free, Merlin stiffly shuffled his ass to the edge of the bed, one hand holding the IV pole and the other clutching his stomach. “I dunno what you’re talking about but if I don’t get to the bathroom in the next five seconds, something is seriously gonna happen and at this point, I ain’t sure I care.”
“Let me help you! You probably shouldn’t be moving so quickly yet.” Brandon had one hand on Merlin’s back in case he was going to fall and blindly trying to feel for his IV pole to get up too but it didn’t seem to be in reach.
“I—I can’t wait! It’s fine. I got it.” Merlin pulled the IV pole to him and wrapped his arm around it like he was hugging it and used it to stand up. He felt a little wobbly but there was no time to bother with that or ask why Brandon was connected to a matching IV of his own, as much as he wanted to know. He hurried to the en-suite door but had to stop halfway there, hunching over and clutching his stomach with a moan. For a dangerous few seconds here, he feared it was game over. But he got a burst of hope he could make it and rushed into the bathroom with a split second to spare, the door swinging closed behind him.
“Jeezus, babe, are you okay?” Brandon called out helplessly after him, his hand finally connecting with the pole to pull it up to him. As soon as he sat, though, his head spun and he had to wait for the wave of nauseating lightheadedness to stop so he didn’t pass out or puke like earlier. He felt terrible that he nearly caused Merlin to have an accident. Not that it would’ve bothered him if it happened but it would’ve been the pits for Merlin after everything. On one hand, it was a positive outcome because this was the goal but the last thing Merlin needed was an embarrassing incident like that. He would’ve been mortified. “Merlin, do you need help, love? Just give me a sec…”
There were a few beats of silence before Merlin called back, “I’m okay. Just might be a bit. Don’t stress, there’s a button here I can push if I need help. Uh. Pretty sure I’ve got this on my own, though. Not exactly a team sport…”
Eventually, Brandon got to his feet, pushing the IV trolley over to the bathroom door where he leaned against the wall to wait just in case Merlin did need any help. “Still. I’m right here if you need me. Are you feeling okay? Dumb question, I know, but I have to ask.”
“Definitely had better days,” Merlin’s tired response through the door was.
“As Liam would say, it’s utter bollocks,” Brandon agreed, resting his head against the wall. “You don’t have to talk. I’m just here if you need help, though.”
It was quite awhile before the bathroom door opened and Merlin appeared again. Brandon reached for his hand and then gave him a tender kiss, wrapping him in a gentle hug. “Sorry that I nearly made you shit yourself. And sorry I didn’t tell you Jess convinced me not to wait on the LP and bone marrow aspiration. I’ve been seriously fucking this husband this up this week. When all you needed was for me to calm my tits and just be there for you.”
“Was the IV prescribed for tit-calming?” Merlin joked, though distinctly without his usual spriteliness. Even though he was definitely feeling better than he was now the obstruction had been treated, he was still drained and in a lot of discomfort. That probably wouldn’t start to heal until after his surgery. He patted Brandon’s back. “I need to go back to bed, I feel a bit shaky and weak. Come lie with me again?”
Brandon helped Merlin back to bed, taking it little by little because it was obvious he was uncomfortable, even if he was sounding better in himself. “Maybe it’s better if I just sit on the chair next to the bed, in case you need to get up again in a hurry. Beau said you should feel much better once the stent and medications start doing their thing.”
“Beau? Hm.” Merlin pushed the blankets and sheets aside so his legs wouldn’t tangle in them again. “No, it’s okay. I want you to lie with me. Just leave the covers off, it’ll be okay. It was fine until I had to move.”
Before he accepted the invitation back onto the bed, Brandon hesitated, resting his hands on the mattress next to Merlin when he detected a hint of a cool tone in Merlin’s enquiry — was it even that? — about Beau. Maybe even just in general. He was sensing that distance between them again and it made his guts churn. “Are you pissed at me, baby? I get it if—”
Merlin put his hand over Brandon’s, shaking his head. “I’m just waiting for you to talk to me, darlin’, not through or via other people. I don’t know why you stopped letting me in but it feels like to get you to talk to me, I have to drag it outta you and honestly, darlin’, I just ain’t been feeling well enough to figure out why. I miss you. That’s all.”
“You’re definitely not why, my love. It’s all on me. Are you up to talking now? Not just because you’re rightly calling me out for not. Because I can see now what I’ve been doing, when before, I couldn’t.” Brandon leaned closer and gave Merlin another soft kiss. “Only if you’re feeling okay. I promise that’s not me trying to avoid it. We have to talk about stuff.”
“Stuff you saw Beau about?” Merlin asked quietly, taking Brandon’s hand and watching his face. But he didn’t even need to hear the answer. The way Brandon bit his lip and exhaled just a bit heavier at hearing the question. He shifted over and patted the spot beside him, holding his arm out to invite Brandon to lie with him and cuddle again.
As much as Brandon needed to get the words out, it was like everything between his throat and gut just constricted as soon as Merlin was holding his arms out to him. He laid down with him again and at first, he just clung to him, even if he had to be super gentle and not give into the urge to hold on tight and not let go. He buried his face in against Merlin’s shoulder, taking a few moments to get the balls to have this conversation. Not at all because he didn’t want to talk to Merlin or didn’t want to let him in. Because it was the total opposite and as soon as he said the words out loud to his husband, it made it all very real.
“It’s back.” He stroked Merlin’s cheek and shifted so he could rest his forehead to Merlin’s. “I—I’m sorry, baby. I’m so sorry. I didn’t fucking want it to be like this.”
Merlin knew he wasn’t ready to hear it because how the fuck could you ever be ‘ready’ for news like that. One thing was for certain was that his stress levels had been through the roof lately was because he had been fearing this outcome. But he thought his reaction would be different to something akin to a heavy, cold numbness as the words filtered into his psyche. Especially when, wind the clock back to a minute or two earlier, this was what he had been anticipating what Brandon might need to talk about. He wanted to be better with his response but he was just shocked and frozen, trying to get his head around it. He even forgot to reply and all Brandon would be on the receiving end of was a stunned stare.
“Please don’t be pissed at me. I can’t handle you being pissed at me again right now. I’m sorry I didn’t wait so they could tell us together. As soon as I realised they had results, I had to hear it. It would’ve driven me fucking nuts thinking the absolute worst and—”
Merlin put his fingertips gently to Brandon’s lips. “No, no. Bran, darlin’, I ain’t pissed. Don’t get upset. I ain’t angry you didn’t wait. You shouldn’t have had to wait if they had the answer. I’m not pissed. Sorry for making you worry I would be. Fuck. Fucking hell…” He put his arm around Brandon and kissed his forehead, hating that his whole torso was aching too much to allow him to engulf Brandon in a full unrestricted hug. This was the best he had to work with. A small sob caught in his throat and he started to cry before he could stop himself. It just wasn’t one of those times he would’ve managed to anyway. “S-Shit. I’m sorry. I told myself I wouldn’t do this if it happened.”
“You do whatever the fuck you need to, baby.” As soon as Brandon saw Merlin’s tears, he knew it was exactly what he was battling to avoid and fucking it all up every step of the away. But when he saw them, he also knew that it had all been pointless wasted energy that caused pointless tension between them. Cancer would do whatever the fuck cancer wanted and it was a horrible fucking feeling to dawn on you. You just couldn’t damn well outrun it, no matter how well you fought it. The most painful part of all was knowing how upset Merlin would be with the news because anyone would be. That hadn’t stopped him wanting to prevent it, though. Merlin was the love of his life, he always wanted to do what he could to prevent his pain. The only way that could ever have been achieved, though, was not falling in love with him and saddling him with this life of uncertainty. That ship well and truly sailed probably the second time he was face-to-face with him and Merlin confirmed all the suspicions he had that he was one of the most sweet, kind, compassionate, selfless people the earth had ever seen and for some unknown reason, he fell in love with Brandon in return. Or maybe… just maybe… that was the way the universe was supposed to work after all. If Brandon would spend the rest of his potentially short life fighting this, did the universe know he’d never know how to do it alone, nor would he ever want to once he met this amazing human? There was no way he wasn’t going to start crying too when he heard the devastated sobs Merlin broke down in.
“I don’t want you to think this means I’m not dealing or can’t handle it. And please, please don’t stop talking to me or telling me things because you’re worried I can’t cope and don’t wanna burden me because that’s that hardest you of all to cope with and I just really need you to not be that you right now,” Merlin managed to get out through a renewed hiccuppy wave of sobs, trying to wipe the tears away but they were falling too quick for his fingers to mop much up, which he realised didn’t support his statement at all. He had just always been the sort of person who had to lose his shit a bit, maybe freak out for a bit, then could get his shit together and face whatever was happening. It just might take a bit more time than usual when it was his husband who had just been diagnosed with cancer for the second time in as many years.
It was painful to hear. It wasn’t lost on Brandon that Merlin kept coming back to this, which told him how significantly he had fucked it all up. Merlin didn’t want to be spared the burden. The fact he had to blatantly spell it out when he was struggling to get the words out through the sobs said it all. “I won’t. Promise from the bottom of my heart, baby. That me has left the building. Of course, I don’t think this means you can’t handle it. I’d be a hypocrite if I did, after I passed out cold with shock when Tara and Beau confirmed the test results. It’s just because it’s fucking awful and part of the reason I messed it all up so badly was because I think I was trying to pre-empt it and just do better than last time. Get my ducks in a row, is I think what Joan would say, though I’m so fucking scared about telling them so soon after Norm’s stroke, even if he’s recovered so well. It’s just that… and I’m nervous about telling you this because I don’t want to freak you out or make the worries worse but I know you mean it when you tell me you don’t want me to not talk to you about stuff. So…” He hesitated, rubbing his fingers over his lips where he tasted the saltiness of his tears. “I want to try to work. I— I mean, I know I’ve already kicked off the return to work. That’s not what I’m saying. What I mean is, now that I’ve restarted, I want to keep going for as long as I can. Work through treatment, if I’m… well, I know I won’t be well but, around treatment as much as possible.”
Merlin closed his eyes, which had nothing to do with the fact his eyes were stinging and puffy now. He stilled, swallowing to try to find his footing through the crying wave. He couldn’t speak at first. He wanted to be able to but it was just too much to get through his head, which was still scrambled from being so ill and getting hit with the confirmation Brandon really was relapsing. Words completely failed him.
Brandon couldn’t read what Merlin was feeling but he saw a whole lot of everything written in his face and his guts knotted up, fearing this could well be the proverbial straw with everything. Everyone had a threshold of what they could take, what they could cope with, and he was sure Merlin surpassed it long ago. At what point did it all come close to collapsing out from under them? Or is that exactly what they hit days ago with their fight? “You’re angry, I know. I know all the reasons why and every one of them is valid because this impacts you just as—”
“No, no, no! Stop. Just stop.” Merlin cut Brandon off, grabbing his hand and accidentally squeezing it just a bit too tight in desperation to get him to stop talking. Then he let it go again, pushing it back towards Brandon’s chest so he could shift onto his back and sit forward. “I’m not angry. I’m… nothing. Everything. I don’t know what I’m feeling so just stop and give me time. Please. Fuck.”
“I’m sorry.” Brandon sighed, feeling the loss of Merlin lying with him immediately. He shook his head. “I just feel like no matter what I do lately, I’m getting everything wrong. Like, I don’t communicate and it’s wrong. I try to communicate here, and that’s wrong too.”
Merlin had his eyes closed again, now sitting cross-legged on the bed with his elbows resting on his knees to use his hands as a brace for his head. “Brandon, I’m sick. That’s all. Can you just let me be sick for a bit? This is a lot because I’m sick. That’s literally all.”
“Do you want me to go?” Brandon asked quietly. The way Merlin said his name, his full name and not a ‘darlin’ or ‘Bran’, something was wrong but he suddenly felt like he stopped talking Merlin’s language entirely.
Merlin dropped his hands into his lap and looked at Brandon over his shoulder. “Seriously?”
Nodding, Brandon ran his tongue over his lips. “I don’t want to fight with you again.”
“You know what, maybe you should. Reschedule the work you put off.” Merlin shifted a little further towards the edge of the bed and laid down again, pushing Brandon’s foot off the blankets so he could pull them over himself when he curled up on his side.
“That’s not—”
“Fair?” Merlin cut in again. “Oh, we’re doing that again now, are we? Sorry, I got a bit confused about fairness when you established that everything’s only about you being ill.”
It hit like the sharp blow Merlin intended it to be, like a sucker punch in the gut. Brandon’s mouth dropped open because he wasn’t used to being on the receiving end of… whatever this was. It was more than anger. It was more than bitchiness. It was more than hurt. “What are you trying to say?”
Merlin’s eyes were brimming with tears again. “You could’ve told me you were booking work again. You didn’t. You could’ve told me you had scripts for filming already. You didn’t. You could’ve waited a couple of hours until I was out of surgery to tell me you were having those additional tests. You didn’t. You could’ve woken me or asked Tara and Beau to wait until I was there to give you the results. You didn’t. I ask you to just give me a bit of time to let this all sink in because I’m sick and you can’t even do that. I’m tired, Bran. And if this is how it is now, this time around, then I don’t wanna do this anymore. You’ve clearly got the reins all by yourself.”
Brandon stared at Merlin’s back, stunned. For a few moments, he felt like his whole world just shattered around him, about a billion times worse than a second cancer diagnosis. Merlin’s words felt so final but he wasn’t such a lost cause that he didn’t quickly regain his footing to understand what Merlin was really saying. It was easy to just react to the surface-level stuff but none of this could be fixed surface-level. He put his hand on Merlin’s back, his stomach flip-flopping when he realised he was expecting Merlin to flinch away from the touch, but he didn’t. So, he laid down with him again, this time behind him, and wrapped his arm around him to hold him, kissing his shoulder. “I just wanted to spare you some pain. All it’s done was cause you way more and made you feel like I’m too fucking wrapped up in my own shit to care you’re sick too.”
“That’s not really what I think. I’m just feeling really awful and everything’s a lot. I just… why would you offer to leave? Why would you think I would say yes? No one wants to be alone when they’re sick. Except maybe you. Fuck.” Merlin knew he was being a bit of a bitch but it was born out of the fact this whole thing had really hurt him. He didn’t know what he could do to fix it and he didn’t even know if trying to fix it now was a good idea, considering how he was feeling and the shock of Brandon’s diagnosis made him feel like he had been punched in the face. “I’m just really starting to feel like I’m surplus to requirement on every level. Maybe this… us... was never going to last beyond when you first needed me when you were really sick. I dunno. I dunno what I’m even saying. I’m feeling pretty shit about everything, just ignore me.”
“I know what you’re saying and I know why you’re saying it. It’s not true but I can see why all my dumbfuck moves collectively have left you feeling like you’ve got no room in my life. But this is why it’s not true… because you are my life. My life before you, baby, was…” Brandon stopped, knowing that he used to trump up the descriptions of his pre-Merlin and pre-cancer life to whatever people wanted to believe it was. He let them believe what they needed to. But he knew that even though he loved acting and he loved that it meant he never needed to worry about money again, it was empty in just about every other way. He wrapped his hand around Merlin’s hugging, hugging his arm against his chest. “Bear with me, alright, because I’m really aware that anything I say is going to make you feel like I’m just saying it to try to convince you something. I’m so sorry I’m making you feel so shit about everything. It wasn’t my intention and I hate myself for it. I’ve really just been flying blind because I haven’t really known how to restart living back in that other world again. And I only offered to leave now because you said you needed time. I misinterpreted that as needing space to process the fucking horrible shit news. To be honest, seeing you so sick has scared the living shit out of me and made me feel like maybe I can’t take care of you as well as you’ve taken care of me. I’ve been in fuck up mode since before you started to feel poorly. That fuck up mode is… I guess a comfort zone. It’s where I was at when I met you. For some reason, I just fell back to that when I panicked that they were going to tell me I was relapsing. Just like I did when my first diagnosis was pending. I just got hellbent on doing... doing just fucking anything… so I didn’t have to think. I don’t want to be alone, I just didn’t want to weigh on you while you’ve been feeling sick.”
Merlin slipped his fingers through Brandon’s. Even if he was upset and frustrated, which was making him bitchy, he wasn’t angry. Angry was too simple an emotion for where he was actually at. “I need you to just slow down, darlin’. I mean, fuck, I know your default is living life from zero to one hundred or whatever the fuck, but that’s never been me. You gotta really remember I’ve got ADHD. If I get overwhelmed, that gets worse and I can’t cope all that great then. Trying to meet me in the middle, at least a lil’ bit. I ain’t the one with cancer, I know that. I can’t know what it’s like to be diagnosed once, let alone twice. But I love you and you’re my life too. I wanna be what you need me to. Just maybe not right now because this stomach thing, it’s… I’m wiped the fuck out. It really ain’t a nice feeling, that you don’t need me or wanna somehow go back to going life alone. Or worse, that you only need me when you’re sick. It makes me feel pretty shit, actually, even if I know you wouldn’t have intended me to feel like that. I didn’t mean to be a bitch either.”
Brandon blew out a slow breath with a nod, kissing Merlin’s head. “Yeah, I’m not at all used to being on the receiving end of that but I deserve it. If I’m being a cunt and making you feel bad, you’ve got every right to call me out on it. Chances are, I don’t realise I’m doing it. Plus? You’re entitled to some bitchiness, you’ve been through hell with your stomach. I spoke to Jess a lot, which you’ve probably realised. He explained just what the pain would be like. The stent would get you to the point of relief but you won’t feel much better until the problem is surgically fixed and you recover from the op. I really was just trying to alleviate some pressure off you. That’s why I wanted to get the tests out of the way, so I can be there to take care of you. Agreeing to get the results while you were asleep were, granted, more of me panicking once I knew they had it. You were finally getting some rest after days of pain, so I didn’t want to wake you but I also couldn’t wait for the results once I knew they had them. I was already freaking out. Way more than I even realised. Like, I literally blacked out when they told me. Same as when I blacked out at home when—” That was when he abruptly caught himself before mentioning Cillian and realised he probably just royally put his foot on his resolve to sit on it until Merlin was feeling better. Considering he was pretty sure Merlin was wondering if they should be divorced because he was making decisions without considering his feelings, the clock might’ve run out on that particular plan anyway.
Merlin had been resting with his eyes closed as he listened to Brandon explaining but he opened them when Brandon stopped short on what he was saying. He frowned, stiffly wriggling free of the spooning embrace Brandon had him in from behind to twist onto his back again. He had to see Brandon’s face when he cut himself off. His gaze swept Brandon’s features but sometimes, his husband was a hard read. It wasn’t intentional. Brandon could just have a broody countenance sometimes. That could be viewed as smouldering through the eyes of the many, many fans of his sexiness — Merlin included. “It’s understandable you blacked out with the relapse shock. It can happen. I’ve seen it happen to Justin. But I’m not ignoring the subject of you blacking out in the bathroom at home now we’re here again. You banged your face up pretty bad and yeah, I know if you’re sick again, there’ll be increased bruising so it might look worse than it really was. You didn’t black out because you were sick, though, did you? Otherwise you would’ve said Tara and Beau confirmed that. If there’s something else about all this you ain’t told me, now is the time to or I’m really gonna start doubting how strong our marriage really is. Like I said, I know how emotional shock works. I’ve worked with Justin long enough. Do you have to relocate for work or something?”
“For work…?” Brandon mumbled, confused, because work was the last thing on his mind all of a sudden. “N—No, that’s… I’ve told you where I’m at for work. It’s not— no. I don’t need to relocate. It’s still a New York based show. It always will be. Okay, um… fuck. There’s something else. But I want you to know, even though I was going to wait until you felt better to talk to you about it, now I know how dumb that probably was. It’s also not about me. It’s about you. What I mean, is… shit. Emotional shock is a good way of putting it.”
Merlin’s eyes had widened and he wet his lips quickly, eyes once again darting over Brandon’s face searching for answers or even just clues. “You’re scaring me. Did they tell you I have cancer too?”
“What?! No! Shit, no. I’m sorry, sweetheart, I didn’t mean to scare you or make your brain go there. No. This is from probably a longer-term flare up of your ulcerative colitis. That’s how I know you’ve probably been feeling worse than you’re letting on recently but I can hardly judge you not telling me about it. That would make me a raging hypocrite. Then again, you being a keep calm and carry on kind of person, you likely thought it was just your guts hurting because of your condition and you just got on with it the best you could.” Brandon was rambling, trying to hedge the subject but Merlin was almost glaring at him now. He didn’t want to trigger another bitch out from him. He really wasn’t a fan of that. So he took a deep breath through his nose, and then, “Did you have your AncestryDNA done?”
Merlin went to respond, until a couple of beats later, he realised if there was a potential list of things he thought Brandon could be about to say or ask him, this wouldn’t have even made a first draft. Or a 1000th draft. His mouth opened in bewilderment and then he blinked, not even sure how to respond or why he was responding to this out of any potential subject they should be talking about at that moment. “Uh. Yeah…” Another blinked. “We all did. Mom, Dad, Damo and me. My aunt got us all the kits for Christmas one year. The year I found out I was adopted, ironically. My extended family didn’t know I was adopted. It was kept a secret, for my sake, apparently. My folks wanted me to have as normal a life as possible. Once I found out I was adopted, guess I was too angry to look at the results. Then I forgot about it. Feels like ages ag— oh holy fuck, are you about to tell me we’re first cousins or something?!” he suddenly shrieked, pushing Brandon back a little but it was only reflexive.
Now was apparently Merlin’s turn to go from zero to one hundred and it was only after his mind jumped there and he verbalised it so abruptly that Brandon could see how that could be an assumption he might make with him bringing the subject up. “I fucking hope not!” Brandon cried, horrified at the thought. Sure, it sounded like a plot out of a C-grade Lifetime movie but the reality was, they were both adopted so perhaps not entirely a crazy conclusion to jump to. What it did do was make Brandon want to get his own AncestryDNA done, pronto, though. There was probably little to no chance his biological parents were related to Merlin’s, but a minute chance there was, he had to concede to himself. “No. No, shit. No. That’s not it… but I’m going to get mine done now, regardless. Holy fuck, you know how to give a dude a heart attack.” About the only reason he wasn’t actually having one, however, was because he knew Cillian was Merlin’s biological father and was Irish through-and-through, and Jesse’s mother was his biological mother. Brandon was born in Minnesota and adopted by a family in Oregon when he was 10, so likely had no relation to Cillian in Ireland or Jesse’s mother in South Carolina. He only found out after his cancer diagnosis that the man who murdered his mother, who he thought was his father, wasn’t his biological father after all.
“Then what?” Merlin prompted, though it came out sounding more like a plea for Brandon to put the brief concern to bed with what he was actually talking about. “How do you even know about the DNA thing? Did Damo tell you?”
Brandon shook his head and slowly mapped his tongue over his lips. “Because… because a guy showed up at our apartment building wanting to speak to you.” He watched Merlin closely for any signs he was about to freak the fuck out when he really shouldn’t be taxing himself emotionally any more than he already was right now but the ship had sailed on waiting to tell him about Cillian. “A guy who says he’s your biological dad.”
It didn’t filter through at first. Merlin had to replay that last sentence over in his head a couple of times before his mind could make a bit of sense of it. It went in like a mess of gibberish because it sounded so nuts. Even then, had he heard right? He frowned, touching his fingers to his forehead. “... My biological dad?” A slight laugh of disbelief punctuated but then he realised the look on Brandon’s face was serious and concerned. Pretty deeply concerned, actually. “That’s ridiculous. Probably just some whackjob trying to get to Justin via me or something. You know how mental fans can be.”
“I know it sounds fucked, babe, but he showed me his results on his Ancestry portal. You don’t have to deal with any of it now, I told him I wouldn’t be telling you straight away because he was there waiting in the lobby when I got back from the hospital after your endoscopy. I was running on empty and no fucking sleep, so it sounded seriously whacked to me too. But if there’s any truth in it, he’ll be showing up as a match on your AncestryDNA account too. His name’s Cillian O’Donovan. He’s Irish, born and bred. Like, he came all the way from Ireland to meet you. I didn’t know that you had your DNA thing done, so I couldn’t confirm or deny anything but whatever he showed me was either true or a really clever knock off of the site. But he would know it’s something you could confirm or deny by looking at yours, so it would be a dumb scheme if it was that and I don’t know if it was just because I was near catatonic with exhaustion and I was going loopy by that pint, but… he kind of looks like you. Same eyes. Hair colour. Smile…” Brandon didn’t know if he should say that but it was true. If he wasn’t able to protect Merlin by keeping this from him a little longer, he should know he didn’t engage with the guy without significant convincing.
Merlin now had his whole hand over his forehead, feeling a bit dizzy and sick to his stomach again but he couldn’t tell if it was from his illness or what Brandon was saying to him. “Are… a—are you sure it wasn’t just some sort of vivid dream after talking to Tara and being exhausted? You were dreaming some plot you’d seen in a weird movie or something? A plot in one of the scripts you’ve been trying to memorize…?”
“This was before I talked to Tara, baby.” Brandon took Merlin’s hand and kissed his knuckles. “And even for a show that’s low fantasy, that sounds even too far of a push for our writers. Saxon’s not married, so I wouldn’t be dreaming about his potential Irish father-in-law showing up in my lobby.”
Merlin swallowed and sat up again, leaning forward. Brandon would never BS him about something like this. He knew how badly he took the news he was adopted. Even though his heart was thumping fast in his chest and a weird panic was surging in his gut, he grabbed his phone from the tray table by the bed. At first, he grappled with it, dropping it into his lap but once it unlocked with his facial recognition, he typed AncestryDNA into Google to open the website. He tried to log in to access his results but after a few attempts of it telling him his password was wrong, he growled in frustration and nearly threw his phone. Thankfully, Brandon spotted how on edge he was and what he was thinking, capturing his arm before he could launch the phone and took it off him. “I can’t remember the fucking password. Fuck!”
“It’s okay. Let’s just reset it. You can get into your email, yeah? What do you want me to change the password to?” Brandon kept hold of Merlin’s other hand, hoping it comforted him at least a little but Merlin was freaking out. Of course he was. Who wouldn’t? That’s what he had been worried about, too. Merlin was sick and part of the reason he got as ill as he did was stress. The doctors told him it was vital to alleviate as much stress from Merlin as possible but it had been a Catch-22. Merlin knew there was something else he wasn’t saying and he could well have put their relationship on the line if he didn’t speak up this time.
“Your legal name and date of birth.” Merlin didn’t even hesitate the response. He had been using that as his password since Brandon requested he be admitted to hospital in that name to protect his privacy. “I think I’m gonna throw up.”
Brandon put the phone down, checking on Merlin in concern. The phone could wait. He located the small stack of sick bags Beau had left him with earlier when they left and he shook one open to put in Merlin’s hand. “It’s okay, babe. Do you want some water? Trust me, I get it. Everything’s made me feel like puking a whole lot too. It’s a lot. Everything’s a lot.”
Merlin nodded, clutching the bag at his chest while he tried to breathe through it. He couldn’t remember when he last had a drink of water but he was glad he wasn’t nil-by-mouth anymore. At least, until they he had to start fasting for his surgery. He watched Brandon twist the cap off the bottle of water he proffered from somewhere but when he tried to take it, his hand was trembling and just spilled some of it in his lap, leaving his gown looking like he peed himself, albeit only a small patch. Awesome. Why the hell not? At least so far, he wasn’t actually being sick. But it was a close call and he didn’t quite trust himself to put the bag aside again, though. He was grateful when took the bottle back and held it to his lips for him to take a drink but when his husband moved on to trying to mop some of the spilled water up with some tissues, Merlin put his hand on his arm. “I need to see that website.”
“I think you need a hug first.” Brandon didn’t wait for confirmation. He didn’t even need it. Maybe had been making a lot of missteps with his marriage lately since cancer was yet again looming over them like a heavy dark cloud but he still knew Merlin. He put his arms around him and kissed his temple, holding him and waiting until he felt Merlin melt in against him. It wasn’t the most easy, secure of hugs but it was the best he could manage with the obvious obstacles of sitting on a hospital bed with IV lines and things to jostle or get in the way. But hugging on hospital beds wasn’t a new experience for them. While he was still holding him, he took Merlin’s phone again, holding it in front of him so he could access his email to open the password reset page. Once there, he punched in the new password for him and followed the steps through to the DNA portal, then he pressed the phone into Merlin’s hand. To be able to get his head around what he was seeing, it was best he navigated to the DNA matches himself. Brandon rubbed Merlin’s back, seeing him swallow heavily as he looked at the phone like it was a bomb that could explode at any second.
If there was any courage for this next bit, it was minimal and Merlin lost it quickly. He exhaled slowly, clutching the phone against his stomach with the screen hidden so he could let his head rest against Brandon’s. “This is fucking dumb. I know you ain’t BS’ing. There’s gonna be some Irish dude there that shows as my father. I just don’t know what the fuck I’m supposed to do with that. I don’t know if I wanna do anything with it. I have a dad. I don’t need another one.”
“You know that’s okay, yeah? You don’t have to do anything with it. I told him you might not want to and he understood. He doesn’t expect anything. He just… I think he’s gone through some things that made him feel like he couldn’t just ignore the match when he saw it. The only thing he seemed to want me to tell you was for you to know he didn’t know you existed and if he did, it would never have been that he didn’t want you.” Brandon found the business card Cillian had given him tucked into the back of his phone case, taking it out and giving it to Merlin. “You don’t have to think about it or make any decisions. All I told him was I’d pass the message on and let him know if you decided not to make contact. He said he’d stick around in New York until he heard from me. But I also told him it wouldn’t be until after your surgery. You don’t have to think about any of this now. Though, I know you. You’re an overthinker. You won’t be able to not. So, just know, you take as long as you need to think about it all. You don’t have to do anything with this. It’s the worst timing possible. I don’t want stress making you more sick than you already are.”
Closing his eyes, Merlin stacked the business card onto his phone and handed them both to Brandon. “I can’t. Everything’s too much. I just wanna try to sleep, I think. But I dunno if I can even do that because I keep remembering you’re sick again and everything’s just… just…”
“Just too fucking much,” Brandon agreed, getting choked up himself when he saw it Merlin was getting upset again. He put Merlin’s phone and the business card on the tray table with his own phone, putting his arm around Merlin again and coaxing him to lie down again. “It’s going to be okay. We’re going to get through it together somehow. Just hopefully with me not unleashing your inner-bitch too much because that’s more than slightly scary.”
Merlin gave Brandon a light tap on the shoulder with a small attempt at a laugh. It was more just a huff through his nose and brief smirk but he appreciated the attempt to make him smile. “Yeah, please don’t. Especially when I’m feeling sick. Inner-bitching takes a lotta energy I don’t have. It ain’t just a natural streak like Justin. At least he looks sexy when he does it. Pretty sure I just look blotchy and agitated.”
“You’re still beautiful when you’re blotchy and agitated. Particularly when you have a valid reason for both. Actually, if the inner-bitch was aimed at anyone but me, pretty sure I’d be extremely turned on.” Brandon smoothed his hand over Merlin’s hair and pressed a couple of tender kisses to his forehead. “I really am sorry. For all of it. I’m not going to make excuses. I was just an idiot.”
“No. Not even close. Since you knew I was upset, you haven’t once mentioned how you’re feeling about the diagnosis. You’re not an idiot, I know everything you did was because you love me and are trying to make it easier this time around for us both. We gotta talk. A lot. But later. Just hold me?” Merlin gave Brandon a kiss and then tucked his head in against his, hoping like hell he could shut out the rest of everything before his head started to feel like it would explode.
LOG, COMPLETE
What: Leukemia v2.0
Where: Mount Sinai, NYC
When: After this
“Bran… Bran? Shit— Bran, you gotta wake up, darlin’. Seriously, wake up!”
Brandon struggled out of a deep sleep hearing his name but abruptly jolted awake with the desperate tapping on his arm, closely followed by a shaking of his shoulder. He peeled his eyes open, squinting against the light that assaulted them and realised it was Merlin trying to wake him up urgently. He must’ve fallen asleep lying on the hospital bed with him after Tara and Beau left without realising, so he was groggy and disoriented for a few moments. “... wha—?”
“The edge of the blanket’s stuck under your butt. I can’t get it off my legs. I need to go to the bathroom, like, now. Seriously, baby. Move. Please? Or this ain’t gonna end well.” With a panicked whimper, Merlin tugged sharply at the blanket to try to release, already awkwardly half out of bed and hanging onto his IV pole to take with him once he was untangled from the blanket and Brandon’s embrace.
“Fuck, sorry. Sorry! I’ll help you.” Brandon disentangled himself from the sheets to shove the blanket off his legs, trying to help Merlin up at the same time. That was when he was rudely reminded he was attached to an IV too and nearly pulled the damn thing out of his hand when the tube caught around Merlin’s elbow. “They said this wouldn’t happen!”
Now his legs were free, Merlin stiffly shuffled his ass to the edge of the bed, one hand holding the IV pole and the other clutching his stomach. “I dunno what you’re talking about but if I don’t get to the bathroom in the next five seconds, something is seriously gonna happen and at this point, I ain’t sure I care.”
“Let me help you! You probably shouldn’t be moving so quickly yet.” Brandon had one hand on Merlin’s back in case he was going to fall and blindly trying to feel for his IV pole to get up too but it didn’t seem to be in reach.
“I—I can’t wait! It’s fine. I got it.” Merlin pulled the IV pole to him and wrapped his arm around it like he was hugging it and used it to stand up. He felt a little wobbly but there was no time to bother with that or ask why Brandon was connected to a matching IV of his own, as much as he wanted to know. He hurried to the en-suite door but had to stop halfway there, hunching over and clutching his stomach with a moan. For a dangerous few seconds here, he feared it was game over. But he got a burst of hope he could make it and rushed into the bathroom with a split second to spare, the door swinging closed behind him.
“Jeezus, babe, are you okay?” Brandon called out helplessly after him, his hand finally connecting with the pole to pull it up to him. As soon as he sat, though, his head spun and he had to wait for the wave of nauseating lightheadedness to stop so he didn’t pass out or puke like earlier. He felt terrible that he nearly caused Merlin to have an accident. Not that it would’ve bothered him if it happened but it would’ve been the pits for Merlin after everything. On one hand, it was a positive outcome because this was the goal but the last thing Merlin needed was an embarrassing incident like that. He would’ve been mortified. “Merlin, do you need help, love? Just give me a sec…”
There were a few beats of silence before Merlin called back, “I’m okay. Just might be a bit. Don’t stress, there’s a button here I can push if I need help. Uh. Pretty sure I’ve got this on my own, though. Not exactly a team sport…”
Eventually, Brandon got to his feet, pushing the IV trolley over to the bathroom door where he leaned against the wall to wait just in case Merlin did need any help. “Still. I’m right here if you need me. Are you feeling okay? Dumb question, I know, but I have to ask.”
“Definitely had better days,” Merlin’s tired response through the door was.
“As Liam would say, it’s utter bollocks,” Brandon agreed, resting his head against the wall. “You don’t have to talk. I’m just here if you need help, though.”
It was quite awhile before the bathroom door opened and Merlin appeared again. Brandon reached for his hand and then gave him a tender kiss, wrapping him in a gentle hug. “Sorry that I nearly made you shit yourself. And sorry I didn’t tell you Jess convinced me not to wait on the LP and bone marrow aspiration. I’ve been seriously fucking this husband this up this week. When all you needed was for me to calm my tits and just be there for you.”
“Was the IV prescribed for tit-calming?” Merlin joked, though distinctly without his usual spriteliness. Even though he was definitely feeling better than he was now the obstruction had been treated, he was still drained and in a lot of discomfort. That probably wouldn’t start to heal until after his surgery. He patted Brandon’s back. “I need to go back to bed, I feel a bit shaky and weak. Come lie with me again?”
Brandon helped Merlin back to bed, taking it little by little because it was obvious he was uncomfortable, even if he was sounding better in himself. “Maybe it’s better if I just sit on the chair next to the bed, in case you need to get up again in a hurry. Beau said you should feel much better once the stent and medications start doing their thing.”
“Beau? Hm.” Merlin pushed the blankets and sheets aside so his legs wouldn’t tangle in them again. “No, it’s okay. I want you to lie with me. Just leave the covers off, it’ll be okay. It was fine until I had to move.”
Before he accepted the invitation back onto the bed, Brandon hesitated, resting his hands on the mattress next to Merlin when he detected a hint of a cool tone in Merlin’s enquiry — was it even that? — about Beau. Maybe even just in general. He was sensing that distance between them again and it made his guts churn. “Are you pissed at me, baby? I get it if—”
Merlin put his hand over Brandon’s, shaking his head. “I’m just waiting for you to talk to me, darlin’, not through or via other people. I don’t know why you stopped letting me in but it feels like to get you to talk to me, I have to drag it outta you and honestly, darlin’, I just ain’t been feeling well enough to figure out why. I miss you. That’s all.”
“You’re definitely not why, my love. It’s all on me. Are you up to talking now? Not just because you’re rightly calling me out for not. Because I can see now what I’ve been doing, when before, I couldn’t.” Brandon leaned closer and gave Merlin another soft kiss. “Only if you’re feeling okay. I promise that’s not me trying to avoid it. We have to talk about stuff.”
“Stuff you saw Beau about?” Merlin asked quietly, taking Brandon’s hand and watching his face. But he didn’t even need to hear the answer. The way Brandon bit his lip and exhaled just a bit heavier at hearing the question. He shifted over and patted the spot beside him, holding his arm out to invite Brandon to lie with him and cuddle again.
As much as Brandon needed to get the words out, it was like everything between his throat and gut just constricted as soon as Merlin was holding his arms out to him. He laid down with him again and at first, he just clung to him, even if he had to be super gentle and not give into the urge to hold on tight and not let go. He buried his face in against Merlin’s shoulder, taking a few moments to get the balls to have this conversation. Not at all because he didn’t want to talk to Merlin or didn’t want to let him in. Because it was the total opposite and as soon as he said the words out loud to his husband, it made it all very real.
“It’s back.” He stroked Merlin’s cheek and shifted so he could rest his forehead to Merlin’s. “I—I’m sorry, baby. I’m so sorry. I didn’t fucking want it to be like this.”
Merlin knew he wasn’t ready to hear it because how the fuck could you ever be ‘ready’ for news like that. One thing was for certain was that his stress levels had been through the roof lately was because he had been fearing this outcome. But he thought his reaction would be different to something akin to a heavy, cold numbness as the words filtered into his psyche. Especially when, wind the clock back to a minute or two earlier, this was what he had been anticipating what Brandon might need to talk about. He wanted to be better with his response but he was just shocked and frozen, trying to get his head around it. He even forgot to reply and all Brandon would be on the receiving end of was a stunned stare.
“Please don’t be pissed at me. I can’t handle you being pissed at me again right now. I’m sorry I didn’t wait so they could tell us together. As soon as I realised they had results, I had to hear it. It would’ve driven me fucking nuts thinking the absolute worst and—”
Merlin put his fingertips gently to Brandon’s lips. “No, no. Bran, darlin’, I ain’t pissed. Don’t get upset. I ain’t angry you didn’t wait. You shouldn’t have had to wait if they had the answer. I’m not pissed. Sorry for making you worry I would be. Fuck. Fucking hell…” He put his arm around Brandon and kissed his forehead, hating that his whole torso was aching too much to allow him to engulf Brandon in a full unrestricted hug. This was the best he had to work with. A small sob caught in his throat and he started to cry before he could stop himself. It just wasn’t one of those times he would’ve managed to anyway. “S-Shit. I’m sorry. I told myself I wouldn’t do this if it happened.”
“You do whatever the fuck you need to, baby.” As soon as Brandon saw Merlin’s tears, he knew it was exactly what he was battling to avoid and fucking it all up every step of the away. But when he saw them, he also knew that it had all been pointless wasted energy that caused pointless tension between them. Cancer would do whatever the fuck cancer wanted and it was a horrible fucking feeling to dawn on you. You just couldn’t damn well outrun it, no matter how well you fought it. The most painful part of all was knowing how upset Merlin would be with the news because anyone would be. That hadn’t stopped him wanting to prevent it, though. Merlin was the love of his life, he always wanted to do what he could to prevent his pain. The only way that could ever have been achieved, though, was not falling in love with him and saddling him with this life of uncertainty. That ship well and truly sailed probably the second time he was face-to-face with him and Merlin confirmed all the suspicions he had that he was one of the most sweet, kind, compassionate, selfless people the earth had ever seen and for some unknown reason, he fell in love with Brandon in return. Or maybe… just maybe… that was the way the universe was supposed to work after all. If Brandon would spend the rest of his potentially short life fighting this, did the universe know he’d never know how to do it alone, nor would he ever want to once he met this amazing human? There was no way he wasn’t going to start crying too when he heard the devastated sobs Merlin broke down in.
“I don’t want you to think this means I’m not dealing or can’t handle it. And please, please don’t stop talking to me or telling me things because you’re worried I can’t cope and don’t wanna burden me because that’s that hardest you of all to cope with and I just really need you to not be that you right now,” Merlin managed to get out through a renewed hiccuppy wave of sobs, trying to wipe the tears away but they were falling too quick for his fingers to mop much up, which he realised didn’t support his statement at all. He had just always been the sort of person who had to lose his shit a bit, maybe freak out for a bit, then could get his shit together and face whatever was happening. It just might take a bit more time than usual when it was his husband who had just been diagnosed with cancer for the second time in as many years.
It was painful to hear. It wasn’t lost on Brandon that Merlin kept coming back to this, which told him how significantly he had fucked it all up. Merlin didn’t want to be spared the burden. The fact he had to blatantly spell it out when he was struggling to get the words out through the sobs said it all. “I won’t. Promise from the bottom of my heart, baby. That me has left the building. Of course, I don’t think this means you can’t handle it. I’d be a hypocrite if I did, after I passed out cold with shock when Tara and Beau confirmed the test results. It’s just because it’s fucking awful and part of the reason I messed it all up so badly was because I think I was trying to pre-empt it and just do better than last time. Get my ducks in a row, is I think what Joan would say, though I’m so fucking scared about telling them so soon after Norm’s stroke, even if he’s recovered so well. It’s just that… and I’m nervous about telling you this because I don’t want to freak you out or make the worries worse but I know you mean it when you tell me you don’t want me to not talk to you about stuff. So…” He hesitated, rubbing his fingers over his lips where he tasted the saltiness of his tears. “I want to try to work. I— I mean, I know I’ve already kicked off the return to work. That’s not what I’m saying. What I mean is, now that I’ve restarted, I want to keep going for as long as I can. Work through treatment, if I’m… well, I know I won’t be well but, around treatment as much as possible.”
Merlin closed his eyes, which had nothing to do with the fact his eyes were stinging and puffy now. He stilled, swallowing to try to find his footing through the crying wave. He couldn’t speak at first. He wanted to be able to but it was just too much to get through his head, which was still scrambled from being so ill and getting hit with the confirmation Brandon really was relapsing. Words completely failed him.
Brandon couldn’t read what Merlin was feeling but he saw a whole lot of everything written in his face and his guts knotted up, fearing this could well be the proverbial straw with everything. Everyone had a threshold of what they could take, what they could cope with, and he was sure Merlin surpassed it long ago. At what point did it all come close to collapsing out from under them? Or is that exactly what they hit days ago with their fight? “You’re angry, I know. I know all the reasons why and every one of them is valid because this impacts you just as—”
“No, no, no! Stop. Just stop.” Merlin cut Brandon off, grabbing his hand and accidentally squeezing it just a bit too tight in desperation to get him to stop talking. Then he let it go again, pushing it back towards Brandon’s chest so he could shift onto his back and sit forward. “I’m not angry. I’m… nothing. Everything. I don’t know what I’m feeling so just stop and give me time. Please. Fuck.”
“I’m sorry.” Brandon sighed, feeling the loss of Merlin lying with him immediately. He shook his head. “I just feel like no matter what I do lately, I’m getting everything wrong. Like, I don’t communicate and it’s wrong. I try to communicate here, and that’s wrong too.”
Merlin had his eyes closed again, now sitting cross-legged on the bed with his elbows resting on his knees to use his hands as a brace for his head. “Brandon, I’m sick. That’s all. Can you just let me be sick for a bit? This is a lot because I’m sick. That’s literally all.”
“Do you want me to go?” Brandon asked quietly. The way Merlin said his name, his full name and not a ‘darlin’ or ‘Bran’, something was wrong but he suddenly felt like he stopped talking Merlin’s language entirely.
Merlin dropped his hands into his lap and looked at Brandon over his shoulder. “Seriously?”
Nodding, Brandon ran his tongue over his lips. “I don’t want to fight with you again.”
“You know what, maybe you should. Reschedule the work you put off.” Merlin shifted a little further towards the edge of the bed and laid down again, pushing Brandon’s foot off the blankets so he could pull them over himself when he curled up on his side.
“That’s not—”
“Fair?” Merlin cut in again. “Oh, we’re doing that again now, are we? Sorry, I got a bit confused about fairness when you established that everything’s only about you being ill.”
It hit like the sharp blow Merlin intended it to be, like a sucker punch in the gut. Brandon’s mouth dropped open because he wasn’t used to being on the receiving end of… whatever this was. It was more than anger. It was more than bitchiness. It was more than hurt. “What are you trying to say?”
Merlin’s eyes were brimming with tears again. “You could’ve told me you were booking work again. You didn’t. You could’ve told me you had scripts for filming already. You didn’t. You could’ve waited a couple of hours until I was out of surgery to tell me you were having those additional tests. You didn’t. You could’ve woken me or asked Tara and Beau to wait until I was there to give you the results. You didn’t. I ask you to just give me a bit of time to let this all sink in because I’m sick and you can’t even do that. I’m tired, Bran. And if this is how it is now, this time around, then I don’t wanna do this anymore. You’ve clearly got the reins all by yourself.”
Brandon stared at Merlin’s back, stunned. For a few moments, he felt like his whole world just shattered around him, about a billion times worse than a second cancer diagnosis. Merlin’s words felt so final but he wasn’t such a lost cause that he didn’t quickly regain his footing to understand what Merlin was really saying. It was easy to just react to the surface-level stuff but none of this could be fixed surface-level. He put his hand on Merlin’s back, his stomach flip-flopping when he realised he was expecting Merlin to flinch away from the touch, but he didn’t. So, he laid down with him again, this time behind him, and wrapped his arm around him to hold him, kissing his shoulder. “I just wanted to spare you some pain. All it’s done was cause you way more and made you feel like I’m too fucking wrapped up in my own shit to care you’re sick too.”
“That’s not really what I think. I’m just feeling really awful and everything’s a lot. I just… why would you offer to leave? Why would you think I would say yes? No one wants to be alone when they’re sick. Except maybe you. Fuck.” Merlin knew he was being a bit of a bitch but it was born out of the fact this whole thing had really hurt him. He didn’t know what he could do to fix it and he didn’t even know if trying to fix it now was a good idea, considering how he was feeling and the shock of Brandon’s diagnosis made him feel like he had been punched in the face. “I’m just really starting to feel like I’m surplus to requirement on every level. Maybe this… us... was never going to last beyond when you first needed me when you were really sick. I dunno. I dunno what I’m even saying. I’m feeling pretty shit about everything, just ignore me.”
“I know what you’re saying and I know why you’re saying it. It’s not true but I can see why all my dumbfuck moves collectively have left you feeling like you’ve got no room in my life. But this is why it’s not true… because you are my life. My life before you, baby, was…” Brandon stopped, knowing that he used to trump up the descriptions of his pre-Merlin and pre-cancer life to whatever people wanted to believe it was. He let them believe what they needed to. But he knew that even though he loved acting and he loved that it meant he never needed to worry about money again, it was empty in just about every other way. He wrapped his hand around Merlin’s hugging, hugging his arm against his chest. “Bear with me, alright, because I’m really aware that anything I say is going to make you feel like I’m just saying it to try to convince you something. I’m so sorry I’m making you feel so shit about everything. It wasn’t my intention and I hate myself for it. I’ve really just been flying blind because I haven’t really known how to restart living back in that other world again. And I only offered to leave now because you said you needed time. I misinterpreted that as needing space to process the fucking horrible shit news. To be honest, seeing you so sick has scared the living shit out of me and made me feel like maybe I can’t take care of you as well as you’ve taken care of me. I’ve been in fuck up mode since before you started to feel poorly. That fuck up mode is… I guess a comfort zone. It’s where I was at when I met you. For some reason, I just fell back to that when I panicked that they were going to tell me I was relapsing. Just like I did when my first diagnosis was pending. I just got hellbent on doing... doing just fucking anything… so I didn’t have to think. I don’t want to be alone, I just didn’t want to weigh on you while you’ve been feeling sick.”
Merlin slipped his fingers through Brandon’s. Even if he was upset and frustrated, which was making him bitchy, he wasn’t angry. Angry was too simple an emotion for where he was actually at. “I need you to just slow down, darlin’. I mean, fuck, I know your default is living life from zero to one hundred or whatever the fuck, but that’s never been me. You gotta really remember I’ve got ADHD. If I get overwhelmed, that gets worse and I can’t cope all that great then. Trying to meet me in the middle, at least a lil’ bit. I ain’t the one with cancer, I know that. I can’t know what it’s like to be diagnosed once, let alone twice. But I love you and you’re my life too. I wanna be what you need me to. Just maybe not right now because this stomach thing, it’s… I’m wiped the fuck out. It really ain’t a nice feeling, that you don’t need me or wanna somehow go back to going life alone. Or worse, that you only need me when you’re sick. It makes me feel pretty shit, actually, even if I know you wouldn’t have intended me to feel like that. I didn’t mean to be a bitch either.”
Brandon blew out a slow breath with a nod, kissing Merlin’s head. “Yeah, I’m not at all used to being on the receiving end of that but I deserve it. If I’m being a cunt and making you feel bad, you’ve got every right to call me out on it. Chances are, I don’t realise I’m doing it. Plus? You’re entitled to some bitchiness, you’ve been through hell with your stomach. I spoke to Jess a lot, which you’ve probably realised. He explained just what the pain would be like. The stent would get you to the point of relief but you won’t feel much better until the problem is surgically fixed and you recover from the op. I really was just trying to alleviate some pressure off you. That’s why I wanted to get the tests out of the way, so I can be there to take care of you. Agreeing to get the results while you were asleep were, granted, more of me panicking once I knew they had it. You were finally getting some rest after days of pain, so I didn’t want to wake you but I also couldn’t wait for the results once I knew they had them. I was already freaking out. Way more than I even realised. Like, I literally blacked out when they told me. Same as when I blacked out at home when—” That was when he abruptly caught himself before mentioning Cillian and realised he probably just royally put his foot on his resolve to sit on it until Merlin was feeling better. Considering he was pretty sure Merlin was wondering if they should be divorced because he was making decisions without considering his feelings, the clock might’ve run out on that particular plan anyway.
Merlin had been resting with his eyes closed as he listened to Brandon explaining but he opened them when Brandon stopped short on what he was saying. He frowned, stiffly wriggling free of the spooning embrace Brandon had him in from behind to twist onto his back again. He had to see Brandon’s face when he cut himself off. His gaze swept Brandon’s features but sometimes, his husband was a hard read. It wasn’t intentional. Brandon could just have a broody countenance sometimes. That could be viewed as smouldering through the eyes of the many, many fans of his sexiness — Merlin included. “It’s understandable you blacked out with the relapse shock. It can happen. I’ve seen it happen to Justin. But I’m not ignoring the subject of you blacking out in the bathroom at home now we’re here again. You banged your face up pretty bad and yeah, I know if you’re sick again, there’ll be increased bruising so it might look worse than it really was. You didn’t black out because you were sick, though, did you? Otherwise you would’ve said Tara and Beau confirmed that. If there’s something else about all this you ain’t told me, now is the time to or I’m really gonna start doubting how strong our marriage really is. Like I said, I know how emotional shock works. I’ve worked with Justin long enough. Do you have to relocate for work or something?”
“For work…?” Brandon mumbled, confused, because work was the last thing on his mind all of a sudden. “N—No, that’s… I’ve told you where I’m at for work. It’s not— no. I don’t need to relocate. It’s still a New York based show. It always will be. Okay, um… fuck. There’s something else. But I want you to know, even though I was going to wait until you felt better to talk to you about it, now I know how dumb that probably was. It’s also not about me. It’s about you. What I mean, is… shit. Emotional shock is a good way of putting it.”
Merlin’s eyes had widened and he wet his lips quickly, eyes once again darting over Brandon’s face searching for answers or even just clues. “You’re scaring me. Did they tell you I have cancer too?”
“What?! No! Shit, no. I’m sorry, sweetheart, I didn’t mean to scare you or make your brain go there. No. This is from probably a longer-term flare up of your ulcerative colitis. That’s how I know you’ve probably been feeling worse than you’re letting on recently but I can hardly judge you not telling me about it. That would make me a raging hypocrite. Then again, you being a keep calm and carry on kind of person, you likely thought it was just your guts hurting because of your condition and you just got on with it the best you could.” Brandon was rambling, trying to hedge the subject but Merlin was almost glaring at him now. He didn’t want to trigger another bitch out from him. He really wasn’t a fan of that. So he took a deep breath through his nose, and then, “Did you have your AncestryDNA done?”
Merlin went to respond, until a couple of beats later, he realised if there was a potential list of things he thought Brandon could be about to say or ask him, this wouldn’t have even made a first draft. Or a 1000th draft. His mouth opened in bewilderment and then he blinked, not even sure how to respond or why he was responding to this out of any potential subject they should be talking about at that moment. “Uh. Yeah…” Another blinked. “We all did. Mom, Dad, Damo and me. My aunt got us all the kits for Christmas one year. The year I found out I was adopted, ironically. My extended family didn’t know I was adopted. It was kept a secret, for my sake, apparently. My folks wanted me to have as normal a life as possible. Once I found out I was adopted, guess I was too angry to look at the results. Then I forgot about it. Feels like ages ag— oh holy fuck, are you about to tell me we’re first cousins or something?!” he suddenly shrieked, pushing Brandon back a little but it was only reflexive.
Now was apparently Merlin’s turn to go from zero to one hundred and it was only after his mind jumped there and he verbalised it so abruptly that Brandon could see how that could be an assumption he might make with him bringing the subject up. “I fucking hope not!” Brandon cried, horrified at the thought. Sure, it sounded like a plot out of a C-grade Lifetime movie but the reality was, they were both adopted so perhaps not entirely a crazy conclusion to jump to. What it did do was make Brandon want to get his own AncestryDNA done, pronto, though. There was probably little to no chance his biological parents were related to Merlin’s, but a minute chance there was, he had to concede to himself. “No. No, shit. No. That’s not it… but I’m going to get mine done now, regardless. Holy fuck, you know how to give a dude a heart attack.” About the only reason he wasn’t actually having one, however, was because he knew Cillian was Merlin’s biological father and was Irish through-and-through, and Jesse’s mother was his biological mother. Brandon was born in Minnesota and adopted by a family in Oregon when he was 10, so likely had no relation to Cillian in Ireland or Jesse’s mother in South Carolina. He only found out after his cancer diagnosis that the man who murdered his mother, who he thought was his father, wasn’t his biological father after all.
“Then what?” Merlin prompted, though it came out sounding more like a plea for Brandon to put the brief concern to bed with what he was actually talking about. “How do you even know about the DNA thing? Did Damo tell you?”
Brandon shook his head and slowly mapped his tongue over his lips. “Because… because a guy showed up at our apartment building wanting to speak to you.” He watched Merlin closely for any signs he was about to freak the fuck out when he really shouldn’t be taxing himself emotionally any more than he already was right now but the ship had sailed on waiting to tell him about Cillian. “A guy who says he’s your biological dad.”
It didn’t filter through at first. Merlin had to replay that last sentence over in his head a couple of times before his mind could make a bit of sense of it. It went in like a mess of gibberish because it sounded so nuts. Even then, had he heard right? He frowned, touching his fingers to his forehead. “... My biological dad?” A slight laugh of disbelief punctuated but then he realised the look on Brandon’s face was serious and concerned. Pretty deeply concerned, actually. “That’s ridiculous. Probably just some whackjob trying to get to Justin via me or something. You know how mental fans can be.”
“I know it sounds fucked, babe, but he showed me his results on his Ancestry portal. You don’t have to deal with any of it now, I told him I wouldn’t be telling you straight away because he was there waiting in the lobby when I got back from the hospital after your endoscopy. I was running on empty and no fucking sleep, so it sounded seriously whacked to me too. But if there’s any truth in it, he’ll be showing up as a match on your AncestryDNA account too. His name’s Cillian O’Donovan. He’s Irish, born and bred. Like, he came all the way from Ireland to meet you. I didn’t know that you had your DNA thing done, so I couldn’t confirm or deny anything but whatever he showed me was either true or a really clever knock off of the site. But he would know it’s something you could confirm or deny by looking at yours, so it would be a dumb scheme if it was that and I don’t know if it was just because I was near catatonic with exhaustion and I was going loopy by that pint, but… he kind of looks like you. Same eyes. Hair colour. Smile…” Brandon didn’t know if he should say that but it was true. If he wasn’t able to protect Merlin by keeping this from him a little longer, he should know he didn’t engage with the guy without significant convincing.
Merlin now had his whole hand over his forehead, feeling a bit dizzy and sick to his stomach again but he couldn’t tell if it was from his illness or what Brandon was saying to him. “Are… a—are you sure it wasn’t just some sort of vivid dream after talking to Tara and being exhausted? You were dreaming some plot you’d seen in a weird movie or something? A plot in one of the scripts you’ve been trying to memorize…?”
“This was before I talked to Tara, baby.” Brandon took Merlin’s hand and kissed his knuckles. “And even for a show that’s low fantasy, that sounds even too far of a push for our writers. Saxon’s not married, so I wouldn’t be dreaming about his potential Irish father-in-law showing up in my lobby.”
Merlin swallowed and sat up again, leaning forward. Brandon would never BS him about something like this. He knew how badly he took the news he was adopted. Even though his heart was thumping fast in his chest and a weird panic was surging in his gut, he grabbed his phone from the tray table by the bed. At first, he grappled with it, dropping it into his lap but once it unlocked with his facial recognition, he typed AncestryDNA into Google to open the website. He tried to log in to access his results but after a few attempts of it telling him his password was wrong, he growled in frustration and nearly threw his phone. Thankfully, Brandon spotted how on edge he was and what he was thinking, capturing his arm before he could launch the phone and took it off him. “I can’t remember the fucking password. Fuck!”
“It’s okay. Let’s just reset it. You can get into your email, yeah? What do you want me to change the password to?” Brandon kept hold of Merlin’s other hand, hoping it comforted him at least a little but Merlin was freaking out. Of course he was. Who wouldn’t? That’s what he had been worried about, too. Merlin was sick and part of the reason he got as ill as he did was stress. The doctors told him it was vital to alleviate as much stress from Merlin as possible but it had been a Catch-22. Merlin knew there was something else he wasn’t saying and he could well have put their relationship on the line if he didn’t speak up this time.
“Your legal name and date of birth.” Merlin didn’t even hesitate the response. He had been using that as his password since Brandon requested he be admitted to hospital in that name to protect his privacy. “I think I’m gonna throw up.”
Brandon put the phone down, checking on Merlin in concern. The phone could wait. He located the small stack of sick bags Beau had left him with earlier when they left and he shook one open to put in Merlin’s hand. “It’s okay, babe. Do you want some water? Trust me, I get it. Everything’s made me feel like puking a whole lot too. It’s a lot. Everything’s a lot.”
Merlin nodded, clutching the bag at his chest while he tried to breathe through it. He couldn’t remember when he last had a drink of water but he was glad he wasn’t nil-by-mouth anymore. At least, until they he had to start fasting for his surgery. He watched Brandon twist the cap off the bottle of water he proffered from somewhere but when he tried to take it, his hand was trembling and just spilled some of it in his lap, leaving his gown looking like he peed himself, albeit only a small patch. Awesome. Why the hell not? At least so far, he wasn’t actually being sick. But it was a close call and he didn’t quite trust himself to put the bag aside again, though. He was grateful when took the bottle back and held it to his lips for him to take a drink but when his husband moved on to trying to mop some of the spilled water up with some tissues, Merlin put his hand on his arm. “I need to see that website.”
“I think you need a hug first.” Brandon didn’t wait for confirmation. He didn’t even need it. Maybe had been making a lot of missteps with his marriage lately since cancer was yet again looming over them like a heavy dark cloud but he still knew Merlin. He put his arms around him and kissed his temple, holding him and waiting until he felt Merlin melt in against him. It wasn’t the most easy, secure of hugs but it was the best he could manage with the obvious obstacles of sitting on a hospital bed with IV lines and things to jostle or get in the way. But hugging on hospital beds wasn’t a new experience for them. While he was still holding him, he took Merlin’s phone again, holding it in front of him so he could access his email to open the password reset page. Once there, he punched in the new password for him and followed the steps through to the DNA portal, then he pressed the phone into Merlin’s hand. To be able to get his head around what he was seeing, it was best he navigated to the DNA matches himself. Brandon rubbed Merlin’s back, seeing him swallow heavily as he looked at the phone like it was a bomb that could explode at any second.
If there was any courage for this next bit, it was minimal and Merlin lost it quickly. He exhaled slowly, clutching the phone against his stomach with the screen hidden so he could let his head rest against Brandon’s. “This is fucking dumb. I know you ain’t BS’ing. There’s gonna be some Irish dude there that shows as my father. I just don’t know what the fuck I’m supposed to do with that. I don’t know if I wanna do anything with it. I have a dad. I don’t need another one.”
“You know that’s okay, yeah? You don’t have to do anything with it. I told him you might not want to and he understood. He doesn’t expect anything. He just… I think he’s gone through some things that made him feel like he couldn’t just ignore the match when he saw it. The only thing he seemed to want me to tell you was for you to know he didn’t know you existed and if he did, it would never have been that he didn’t want you.” Brandon found the business card Cillian had given him tucked into the back of his phone case, taking it out and giving it to Merlin. “You don’t have to think about it or make any decisions. All I told him was I’d pass the message on and let him know if you decided not to make contact. He said he’d stick around in New York until he heard from me. But I also told him it wouldn’t be until after your surgery. You don’t have to think about any of this now. Though, I know you. You’re an overthinker. You won’t be able to not. So, just know, you take as long as you need to think about it all. You don’t have to do anything with this. It’s the worst timing possible. I don’t want stress making you more sick than you already are.”
Closing his eyes, Merlin stacked the business card onto his phone and handed them both to Brandon. “I can’t. Everything’s too much. I just wanna try to sleep, I think. But I dunno if I can even do that because I keep remembering you’re sick again and everything’s just… just…”
“Just too fucking much,” Brandon agreed, getting choked up himself when he saw it Merlin was getting upset again. He put Merlin’s phone and the business card on the tray table with his own phone, putting his arm around Merlin again and coaxing him to lie down again. “It’s going to be okay. We’re going to get through it together somehow. Just hopefully with me not unleashing your inner-bitch too much because that’s more than slightly scary.”
Merlin gave Brandon a light tap on the shoulder with a small attempt at a laugh. It was more just a huff through his nose and brief smirk but he appreciated the attempt to make him smile. “Yeah, please don’t. Especially when I’m feeling sick. Inner-bitching takes a lotta energy I don’t have. It ain’t just a natural streak like Justin. At least he looks sexy when he does it. Pretty sure I just look blotchy and agitated.”
“You’re still beautiful when you’re blotchy and agitated. Particularly when you have a valid reason for both. Actually, if the inner-bitch was aimed at anyone but me, pretty sure I’d be extremely turned on.” Brandon smoothed his hand over Merlin’s hair and pressed a couple of tender kisses to his forehead. “I really am sorry. For all of it. I’m not going to make excuses. I was just an idiot.”
“No. Not even close. Since you knew I was upset, you haven’t once mentioned how you’re feeling about the diagnosis. You’re not an idiot, I know everything you did was because you love me and are trying to make it easier this time around for us both. We gotta talk. A lot. But later. Just hold me?” Merlin gave Brandon a kiss and then tucked his head in against his, hoping like hell he could shut out the rest of everything before his head started to feel like it would explode.
LOG, COMPLETE