[ TEXT ] To Arian @ tearsofpearls

[underyourskin]

Hey, dude. You gotta minute? Need to pick your brain. Don't worry if you're tied up with Justin.

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[underyourskin]

Winston has chronic migraines, the classic type. They completely knock him on his ass. You don't wish shit like this on an enemy. Whatever the outcome, Sash is going to have to face a huge battle if he wakes up. His pre-existing neuro issues on top of a brain injury, times like this, I wish I wasn't an atheist. Do you know how his parents are holding up? Reecy mentioned Mhari was finally cleared with covid to get in to see Sash. What's your professional opinion on how Justin will be once he sees Sash too? Is it really commitment issues you have, or fear of putting your heart on the line again? I can ask that shit because I had to confront similar things recently. Things are great with Winston and I, but it's taking a LOT of talking through things to figure out where we're at together and what we want out of a relationship. It makes the whole concept of FWB seem really overrated.

[tearsofpearls]

I have more faith in medicine and science than I do religion. His folks are doing their best to keep it together. His dad will be flying over with a nurse next week. Mhari did all she could to get Justin in to see Sash. She's a mom, she knows that's the best thing for both of them at the moment. I think Justin will feel relief being able to sit with him but he's clearly struggling with panic and dissociation, so I don't know if it'll stabilise him. Seeing him would've been confronting, regardless. How did you figure out the difference between fear, reluctance, and ambivalence about relationships? I've never managed to make anything stick before so I figure I'm the common denominator. Did talking a lot help or confuse things even more? I realise the irony of this conversation, being a counsellor.

[underyourskin]

What's dissociation like, to experience it? I've obviously seen the flipside as a nurse but Justin's always said he doesn't know because he doesn't know when his brain's doing it. Like when he has a psychotic episode. Having panic and dissociation at the same time must feel like you're losing your fucking mind. Well, reluctance and ambivalence generally means you have reasons to not want it. Fear usually means you do, you just have anxiety about it going wrong. Failed relationships can be a reason for all three. Getting back on the horse is fucking terrifying. You weren't to blame for your failed marriage. You didn't cheat on yourself. Are you worried with how often Chance is away would mean there's a higher chance of being cheated on again? Do you think that's in his nature? Hell, no. Talking unravels the confusion. It evens the playing field and gives you a chance to hash out all the insecurities. Honestly, pretty much all of mine, Winston has easily reassured me of. He didn't spite me having them and it really helped not try to just bury them all for fear of scaring him away. Have you talked much to him about what happened to you in the past?

[tearsofpearls]

I know some people think it's like how you feel when you daydream or have an out-of-body experience or something but it's a mental illness. No mental illness is really passive in its symptoms. Patients do describe feeling disconnected from themselves or being unable to concentrate or forget but for Justin, it's a much more intrusive presentation. He has big gaps in his memory from dissociation but he also remembers a lot about the episodes, just in an abstract way. Things feel very overwhelming for him when it starts, like information overload. He struggles to handle any sort of intense emotions. He's conscious of things happening around him but he can't ground himself in it. By the time he starts to completely dissociate, it's more like being hit in the head and knocked out for him, like how a concussed person sometimes can't remember what happened with the events of their injury. Dissociation disorder on its own would probably be bearable for him but it only happens to him when his bipolar or C-PTSD are already severely exacerbated so it's compounded. It's not nice for him, he's not used to it yet. It's only been recently he's had any consciousness that it happens, from when dissociated memories began to come back to him after his... well, the woman who took him's death. No, I don't think cheating is in Chance's nature. He's like Billy, a testicular cancer survivor. Not that something like that prevents cheating but he and I have talked about other things in great depth, just not officially committing or what we want long-term. I'm not sure either of us thought it would be something long-term. What I know of him, I'm pretty confident he wouldn't hurt me by cheating. He knows I was married and cheating ended it. That's pretty much it.

[underyourskin]

There's always a chance any dissociative episode might be permanent, though. Does he know that? It has to be something that terrifies his parents and Sash. If Sash even knows. Shit, seriously? Chance's had an orchiectomy? I know for Billy, that whole thing made him struggle with his identity and what it meant for his future, like whether he wanted kids and all that. A lot to think about if it happens well before you're ready to contemplate those long-term things. Maybe he finds it easier not to think about commitment if he can't have kids. Can he? Billy can't. He has one working ball left but the chemo pretty much throttled his sperm count. Have you ever worked as a counselor for anyone who has survived cancer?