Arian Magnus Alcott (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
tearsofpearls) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
dreamlikenewyork2023-02-19 12:44 am
tearsofpearls) wrote in dreamlikenewyork2023-02-19 12:44 am
"And let your two hearts reunite."
Who: Justin Campbell, Alexis Harrington, and Arian Alcott
What: Going Through the Motions
Where: Sydney, Australia
When: Around the time of this
Justin wished his brain would just work. For once, all he wanted, was for his brain to do what it was supposed to. But for everything Ava had just sat down and explained to him — followed by a doctor who he couldn’t remember meeting but who seemed to think they had spoken before — about being transferred to this new bed… wheelchair… thing so he could be taken to Sash’s bedside, he retained none of it. They told him he could ask questions about what they said but he was too scared to admit he didn’t remember a word they just told him in case they took it all back and changed their minds.
He was conscious there was a gathering of people in his room, some in scrubs, a couple in lab coats but he couldn’t take his eyes off this thing that really did look like the lovechild of a bed and a wheelchair. Suddenly, it felt like he had so fucking much to panic about without completely identifying it all or what he should be freaking out about first.
“M—Mum. I’m scared.” Justin reached out to where his birth mother was standing back against the wall waiting with his Social Worker, Arian.
Alexis stepped over to Justin and took his hand, then wrapped her other arm around his shoulders. “I’m here, my darling. What’s scaring you? It’s okay. They’re going to transfer you to the other bed on a special slide and then you can sit by Sash’s bed and be easily moved if he needs any urgent care. You’re nearly there. You’re going to be holding his hand so soon, sweetie.” She smoothed his hair down and shared a hesitant glance with Ari, who just gave her a reassuring wink but kept his distance at the wall.
There had been a lot of discussion about who would be best to be with Justin while they transferred him to the custom mobilization bed to be taken to see Sash. The ultimate choice would’ve been Mark but once Mhari pushed to get the ball rolling and Ava pulled all the strings she had with industry connection to source the custom equipment, finding it happened quicker than they anticipated so Mark still wasn’t on his feet enough to get to the hospital and Sam was reluctant to leave his side while he was monitoring him for any cardiac complications. Gen and Alexis were the natural second choice but Gen had pointed out that Ari knew how to counsel Justin when he was panicking or losing his footing when his emotional stability was precarious. That was part of the reason Ari had been employed as Justin’s caseworker, so he could be on hand to counsel him through things that took him out of his comfort zone, which is when he was most at risk. Gen was waiting outside with Justin’s grandparents and Mhari but Justin didn’t know that. This was the first he had let any family near him in days.
The truth was that Justin wasn’t holding up so well to make any choices for himself at the moment but he seemed to pull out of some of the mentally detached haze when Ava told him they had what they needed to finally get him into Sash’s connected room. It was clear he was retaining very little of what was explained to him about transferring him to the new bed and moving him, so Ari was also there if Justin needed more support to understand what was happening. Alexis didn’t want to say the wrong thing and confuse him or scare him even more. It could only ever take one tiny bit of the wrong information to trigger a breakdown with him. That was why Alexis was more than relieved Ari was there to support her too. That’s one thing that had been underscored by Ari in the wake of Justin and Sash’s car accident — that he his job emcompassed supporting Justin and his family, in the wider scheme of Justin’s care as a functioning disabled teen. With Ari’s presence, Justin could be high-functioning when he was well but would definitely be classified low-functioning without a complex care team around him. Since meeting Justin and becoming part of the Campbell family, Alexis had spoken a lot to Ari and he was so extremely learned and wise about taking care of mentally ill teens, and about Justin’s subjective life. His presence there today was reassuring for her. That didn’t mean her stomach wasn’t in knots of terror herself feeling how much her son was trembling all over and now vicing her hand in a bruising grip while he looked at this new bed-on-wheels like it had the ability to jump on him and murder him. His eyes were wide and kept darting from the medical staff back to the bed and he was sweating heavily too. The sooner they got him to Sash’s side, the better.
“What— what if they move me and they fuck it up and I can’t walk or… or… or dance? What if I… move wrong? I— I can’t. I’m gonna fuck it up,” Justin fretted. The fight/flight/freeze response was right there beneath the surface and his brain was automatically trying to seek out an escape route. So far, he was still immobilized in the usual hospital bed, so he was stuck. There wouldn’t be that in this new thing, right? “If… if I’m in there and something happens and I’m in the way, what if he dies? H—He’ll die because of me.”
This time, Alexis knew she needed backup and as soon as she shot another pleading look over at Ari, Ari came over and pulled a chair up to the bedside so he could sit and be as close to Justin’s eye level as he could be. He rested a careful hand on Justin’s forearm to get his attention before he said anything to him. “Justin, it’s okay if you don’t want to do this. It’s a lot for you to have to take in, let alone understand when you’re not feeling well. But all these doctors and nurses here are the absolute best at what they do and if they didn’t think it was safe, they wouldn’t do it. Do you want me to explain again what will happen? It’s okay. Let’s try to take some slow breaths.” He took a deep breath himself, holding Justin’s gaze and trying to guide him to follow.
Justin wet his lips and focused on Ari’s face as he spoke slowly and calmly. He tried to follow the breathing but it made him conscious again of the high-flow oxygen tube in his nose and he started to cough. But it worked to distract him from what was going on in the room and be able to process what Ari was saying to him. He was relieved that it seemed no one would prevent him seeing Sash if he admitted he hadn’t understood what the medical people were saying so he nodded, still gripping his mum’s hand.
“They’re going to first put a special brace on you around your hips and pelvis to keep the injury sites as stable as possible. It’s going to be a little bit sore and uncomfortable but the pain medication should stop it being too bad for you. Then they’ll lower your bed down until you’re lying flat and slide a special board underneath you that they’ll use to move you over to the portable bed.” Ari paused, waiting to see if Justin was taking in what he was saying. He had simplified it much more than the medical staff had, trying to keep the details to a bare minimum. There was always still the chance Justin just wasn’t mentally well enough at the moment to process any new information. “Do you want me to keep going or I can say it again if you need me to?”
Looking over at the new bed, Justin could see a nurse standing nearby it holding a long flat board like what Ari was explaining. “I… I know those. I remember being on them before. But I don’t… remember when that was. What then? What next?”
Ari nodded, giving Justin a gentle smile to reassure him. “That’s right. It’s how they move patients who can’t move themselves in emergency situations. It’s safe. They won’t hurt you. Once you’re lying there, they’ll take the board away and be able to sit you up with the new bed and lower your legs down, so it’ll be like you’re sitting in a wheelchair. It won’t be much different to how they’ve been helping you use a bedpan. It’s all things they do every single day with countless patients.”
“Bit less embarrassing, maybe…” Justin mumbled, swallowing heavily but he loosened his hold on his mum’s hand a little. He lowered his gaze to his lap. “I fucking hate this. Why is everything always so fucking hard and… and terrifying? I— I don’t… I feel sick. I can’t… I don’t…”
Ari put his hand over Justin’s giving it a soft pat as he caught the attention of the nurse who was waiting with a treatment trolley that had the brace they were going to put on Justin and change his gown for him. “Can you check if he has anything charted he can have to settle him before we proceed? And something for the nausea, if possible? We’re not quite there yet.” He went back to focusing on Justin, glad that Alexis was still staying close and soothing him with rhythmic strokes to his hair. “Are you worried about seeing Sash in such a bad way?”
“I’m a fucking horrible person. He’s never been worried about seeing me in a bad way. He’s always been there for me and I can’t… can’t…” Justin shook his head, covering his face with his hands. “Fuck. That doesn’t mean I don’t want to see him, though.”
“Of course it doesn’t. I think you want to see him more than you want to breathe air into your lungs, buddy. But you should know that every time Sash has had to see you in a bad way, he has been worried. And scared. I’ve seen him deeply distressed trying to brace himself to see you when it’s been touch and go for you. We can’t let you punish yourself for what you’re feeling right now because anyone would be feeling the same way in your shoes,” Ari promised him. “Once they move you in there, you can sit with him as long as you want. He’d want you there, I know, even if you’re scared. Maybe especially so. You’ve always been partners in crime.”
Justin made a fist with his hand and rested his head against it. He was shivering, hating how cold he felt inside all the time, even if on the outside, he was sweating and flushed with how worked up he was. “If something happens to him while I’m in there… if I’m in the way…”
“That’s why this bed’s been sourced for you, buddy. It’s easily moved so they can get to him quickly. He’s been stable for a few days now with no seizures. That’s a good sign.” Arian didn’t know if he would get Justin to move on from where he was stuck. Anxiety could be like painful shackles around every part of you, including your mouth when you were trying to verbalise what was in your head. It was tough because Justin was almost-literally in physical shackles immobilized in a bed. It wasn’t surprising he was struggling to face having to move, let alone why. No one in the world would be okay with having to see the love of your life on life support in an ICU. Throw into the mix that Justin thought he was constantly at risk of harming the people he loved, it was such a cruel and overwhelming enemy he was trying to battle. But that was mental illness in a nutshell. “Justin, I want you to just listen to me closely for a bit, yeah? Try to tune out the rest of the room and just focus on my voice. I want to talk to you about why you’re feeling all this. You’re unwell and seriously injured too, okay? Just like Sash is.”
Justin never did good with tuning anything out. That was probably the biggest reason why he hurt himself so much, he couldn’t stop the noise or the pain, no matter how he tried. But with Ari, he had always connected with. He trusted him and he understood things when Ari explained them. The panic was there. He hated the panic. It made him feel sick and made his body do things he couldn’t stop. But he also knew panic was something Sash also had to live with so it was something Justin had come to not feel quite so alone in living with. Only now, Sash wasn’t really there. It was harder than ever before to be feeling. He didn’t want to fucking feel any of this. “It can’t be about me. I’m not—”
Ari put both his hands over Justin and applied a little pressure to get his attention. He shook his head. “You are important, Justin. And this is about you. All of this, it’s about both you and Sash. You were both hurt in the crash and you both could’ve died. I know you want to see him. It’s our job to make sure you’re both protected so you can. You can’t process trauma or traumatic pain. That’s why you’re so scared. It’s not because you can’t do this. It’s your brain missfiring and making you think you will cause harm if you do. You won’t. It’s safe.” He quickly flagged another nurse because the other hadn’t returned with the medication, though he could see her through the glass wall at the nurses’ station holding a kidney dish, so she was on her way back. “We can just get him some ice chips? Thanks so much.”
“I want it to stop,” Justin pleaded in a tiny voice, reflexively gripping Ari’s hand back when he felt the squeeze.
“The medication will help to ease it. It won’t be valium, they know you don’t cope with how that makes you feel. How about we let them give you the medication you need and we wait a few minutes to see how you feel? Is that okay?” Ari suggested, trying now the tactic of breaking down the hurdle Justin was trying to face into smaller pieces that he could maybe absorb easier. Justin couldn’t refuse medication because he was under strict mental health intervention orders but it was always better for him if he understood it was coming and why. “I promise, I’m going to make sure you’re okay.”
Eventually, after a long stretch of time where Justin concentrated on taking every word Ari was saying in, he nodded but his breathing was still heavy and he had now knotted his fingers in a tight ball around his fingers. The feeling of being a specimen to be gawped at in a giant medical fishbowl was seeping back but he trusted Ari’s promise to him. “A-Are they all going to be in there with me while I see him?”
When the nurse returned with the ice chips, Ari thanked him again and then waited for a moment while the other nurse intercepted briefly to tell Justin she was just going to give him the medication he needed through his IV, which was now on a central line port because the veins in his arms were too bruised and not holding the canulas well enough to do the job. It was a quick process and then Ari was able to coax Justin to have ice chips. His voice was constantly hoarse and scratchy because he’d been intubated after the accident and now had so much oxygen therapy. It was importan to keep him hydrated but this was more of a sensory thing. Ice or ice water had always helped Justin’s sensory processing when he was agitated or stressed. It just pinged his brain to try to recalibrate a little. Definitely wasn’t always a success but it was tactic that couldn’t hurt him or distress him if it didn’t work. “No, you can have some time alone with him to talk to him, and you should. The medical staff will still need to monitor you both as they have been but they don’t need to be in the room for that. They’ll just be near if you need help. So will your mom and I, and your nana and granddad are just down the hall in the family area with Mhari and Reecy. You can have private time with him but you won’t be alone, buddy. Just rest a few minutes, now. Try some more slow breaths and let the medicine do its job.”
Justin did what Ari suggested, dropping his head to the pillow and closing his eyes. Ari could see Alexis was struggling with everything Justin was going through and he put his hand on her arm to try to reassure her too. Ari wasn’t a parent but he could only imagine what they went through when their kids were in so much pain. It would be unbearable. Alexis just managed a faint exhausted smile, patting his hand in return before going back to kiss Justin’s head and stroke his hair.
Justin didn’t say much more after that. A short while later when Ari could see that Justin’s breathing had evened out, his sweating had eased, and his agitated fidgeting had calmed, he asked Justin if he wanted to try again, all he received was a nod. Justin wasn’t fighting it now. He wasn’t saying anything. He just let the staff do whatever they needed to do, eyes downcast the whole time. Ari honestly didn’t know if Justin realised that the reason there were so many people in the room was because it was a highly specialised medical team overseeing what was happening so he would be kept as safe as possible but it really didn’t matter. In the grander scheme of things, to Justin, it didn’t. He had way more to knot up in his traumatised brain and most of it was likely focused on anyone but himself. This the first time he had heard Justin voice concern about his own injuries, about whether they would impact on his future career. He had almost touched on it in the viral video he posted before anyone could counsel him about whether he should or not, but Ari had seen in that that Justin kept stopping himself before he mentioned any sort of long-term damage to himself from this accident. It had solely been about reassuring his fans that he was still alive, even if everything had gone to shit and he didn’t know what would happen next. Facing whether he would be able to dance after this — or perform at all — was too much of a terrifying mountain for him to conquer yet. And it would take a lot more help to get him to confront it. But Ari suspected that if Sash didn’t pull through, ultimately, it wouldn’t matter and that was why he could bear to think beyond getting in to see Sash. Justin wouldn’t survive Sash’s loss and his loved ones were all deeply aware, and terrified themselves, of it.
Alexis stepped back against the wall with Ari again when the nurses flanked Justin’s bedside to prep him to put the pelvic binder on before they began to carefully reposition him for the patslide transfer. ‘Terrified’ was no longer a strong enough word to describe what Alexis had been feeling for her son since the acciden but everything in general was so overwhelming. She was glad he had people like Ari in his life who so naturally knew how to help him. Ari was so gentle and compassionate in his bedside manner, too. “Is he really going to be okay with this, Ari?” she asked him quietly.
Ari put his arm around Alexis’ shoulders. He knew this would be extra difficult for her without Sam here. It really had been vitally important to get Mark through detox so he could start medication to conquer the alcohol cravings, though. It would’ve been even more damaging to Justin if his dad was too unwell himself to care for him through the rehab he was facing. Mark would’ve only gotten worse if they waited. “He’ll be able to turn a corner if he can be with Sash. Even if it’s horrific for him to see Sash like that, Justin always copes better having some control with what’s happening around him. Being able to do nothing but just sit with Sash and touch him was always going to be better than absolutely nothing at all. This is one of those times we need to let him go it alone as much as we can because he really will be okay, even if he’s terrified, and we can’t possibly know how he’s feeling.”
Alexis nodded, trying not to wince when she saw the brace they were about to put Justin in. That ever-present urge to want to wrap him in cotton wool and promise him he would never be in paian again was thrumming in her chest alongside her heart pounding. She took Ari’s hand so she had something to anchor to while all they could do was watch and let the professionals do their job. It just didn’t matter to Alexis how professional and learned they all were, it still would forever be frightening for her to trust them with her baby that she spent so long thinking she’d never have in her life. Now that she did, it was like she was always waiting to lose him all over again and she knew she would never get used to feeling that particular pain.
LOG, COMPLETE
What: Going Through the Motions
Where: Sydney, Australia
When: Around the time of this
Justin wished his brain would just work. For once, all he wanted, was for his brain to do what it was supposed to. But for everything Ava had just sat down and explained to him — followed by a doctor who he couldn’t remember meeting but who seemed to think they had spoken before — about being transferred to this new bed… wheelchair… thing so he could be taken to Sash’s bedside, he retained none of it. They told him he could ask questions about what they said but he was too scared to admit he didn’t remember a word they just told him in case they took it all back and changed their minds.
He was conscious there was a gathering of people in his room, some in scrubs, a couple in lab coats but he couldn’t take his eyes off this thing that really did look like the lovechild of a bed and a wheelchair. Suddenly, it felt like he had so fucking much to panic about without completely identifying it all or what he should be freaking out about first.
“M—Mum. I’m scared.” Justin reached out to where his birth mother was standing back against the wall waiting with his Social Worker, Arian.
Alexis stepped over to Justin and took his hand, then wrapped her other arm around his shoulders. “I’m here, my darling. What’s scaring you? It’s okay. They’re going to transfer you to the other bed on a special slide and then you can sit by Sash’s bed and be easily moved if he needs any urgent care. You’re nearly there. You’re going to be holding his hand so soon, sweetie.” She smoothed his hair down and shared a hesitant glance with Ari, who just gave her a reassuring wink but kept his distance at the wall.
There had been a lot of discussion about who would be best to be with Justin while they transferred him to the custom mobilization bed to be taken to see Sash. The ultimate choice would’ve been Mark but once Mhari pushed to get the ball rolling and Ava pulled all the strings she had with industry connection to source the custom equipment, finding it happened quicker than they anticipated so Mark still wasn’t on his feet enough to get to the hospital and Sam was reluctant to leave his side while he was monitoring him for any cardiac complications. Gen and Alexis were the natural second choice but Gen had pointed out that Ari knew how to counsel Justin when he was panicking or losing his footing when his emotional stability was precarious. That was part of the reason Ari had been employed as Justin’s caseworker, so he could be on hand to counsel him through things that took him out of his comfort zone, which is when he was most at risk. Gen was waiting outside with Justin’s grandparents and Mhari but Justin didn’t know that. This was the first he had let any family near him in days.
The truth was that Justin wasn’t holding up so well to make any choices for himself at the moment but he seemed to pull out of some of the mentally detached haze when Ava told him they had what they needed to finally get him into Sash’s connected room. It was clear he was retaining very little of what was explained to him about transferring him to the new bed and moving him, so Ari was also there if Justin needed more support to understand what was happening. Alexis didn’t want to say the wrong thing and confuse him or scare him even more. It could only ever take one tiny bit of the wrong information to trigger a breakdown with him. That was why Alexis was more than relieved Ari was there to support her too. That’s one thing that had been underscored by Ari in the wake of Justin and Sash’s car accident — that he his job emcompassed supporting Justin and his family, in the wider scheme of Justin’s care as a functioning disabled teen. With Ari’s presence, Justin could be high-functioning when he was well but would definitely be classified low-functioning without a complex care team around him. Since meeting Justin and becoming part of the Campbell family, Alexis had spoken a lot to Ari and he was so extremely learned and wise about taking care of mentally ill teens, and about Justin’s subjective life. His presence there today was reassuring for her. That didn’t mean her stomach wasn’t in knots of terror herself feeling how much her son was trembling all over and now vicing her hand in a bruising grip while he looked at this new bed-on-wheels like it had the ability to jump on him and murder him. His eyes were wide and kept darting from the medical staff back to the bed and he was sweating heavily too. The sooner they got him to Sash’s side, the better.
“What— what if they move me and they fuck it up and I can’t walk or… or… or dance? What if I… move wrong? I— I can’t. I’m gonna fuck it up,” Justin fretted. The fight/flight/freeze response was right there beneath the surface and his brain was automatically trying to seek out an escape route. So far, he was still immobilized in the usual hospital bed, so he was stuck. There wouldn’t be that in this new thing, right? “If… if I’m in there and something happens and I’m in the way, what if he dies? H—He’ll die because of me.”
This time, Alexis knew she needed backup and as soon as she shot another pleading look over at Ari, Ari came over and pulled a chair up to the bedside so he could sit and be as close to Justin’s eye level as he could be. He rested a careful hand on Justin’s forearm to get his attention before he said anything to him. “Justin, it’s okay if you don’t want to do this. It’s a lot for you to have to take in, let alone understand when you’re not feeling well. But all these doctors and nurses here are the absolute best at what they do and if they didn’t think it was safe, they wouldn’t do it. Do you want me to explain again what will happen? It’s okay. Let’s try to take some slow breaths.” He took a deep breath himself, holding Justin’s gaze and trying to guide him to follow.
Justin wet his lips and focused on Ari’s face as he spoke slowly and calmly. He tried to follow the breathing but it made him conscious again of the high-flow oxygen tube in his nose and he started to cough. But it worked to distract him from what was going on in the room and be able to process what Ari was saying to him. He was relieved that it seemed no one would prevent him seeing Sash if he admitted he hadn’t understood what the medical people were saying so he nodded, still gripping his mum’s hand.
“They’re going to first put a special brace on you around your hips and pelvis to keep the injury sites as stable as possible. It’s going to be a little bit sore and uncomfortable but the pain medication should stop it being too bad for you. Then they’ll lower your bed down until you’re lying flat and slide a special board underneath you that they’ll use to move you over to the portable bed.” Ari paused, waiting to see if Justin was taking in what he was saying. He had simplified it much more than the medical staff had, trying to keep the details to a bare minimum. There was always still the chance Justin just wasn’t mentally well enough at the moment to process any new information. “Do you want me to keep going or I can say it again if you need me to?”
Looking over at the new bed, Justin could see a nurse standing nearby it holding a long flat board like what Ari was explaining. “I… I know those. I remember being on them before. But I don’t… remember when that was. What then? What next?”
Ari nodded, giving Justin a gentle smile to reassure him. “That’s right. It’s how they move patients who can’t move themselves in emergency situations. It’s safe. They won’t hurt you. Once you’re lying there, they’ll take the board away and be able to sit you up with the new bed and lower your legs down, so it’ll be like you’re sitting in a wheelchair. It won’t be much different to how they’ve been helping you use a bedpan. It’s all things they do every single day with countless patients.”
“Bit less embarrassing, maybe…” Justin mumbled, swallowing heavily but he loosened his hold on his mum’s hand a little. He lowered his gaze to his lap. “I fucking hate this. Why is everything always so fucking hard and… and terrifying? I— I don’t… I feel sick. I can’t… I don’t…”
Ari put his hand over Justin’s giving it a soft pat as he caught the attention of the nurse who was waiting with a treatment trolley that had the brace they were going to put on Justin and change his gown for him. “Can you check if he has anything charted he can have to settle him before we proceed? And something for the nausea, if possible? We’re not quite there yet.” He went back to focusing on Justin, glad that Alexis was still staying close and soothing him with rhythmic strokes to his hair. “Are you worried about seeing Sash in such a bad way?”
“I’m a fucking horrible person. He’s never been worried about seeing me in a bad way. He’s always been there for me and I can’t… can’t…” Justin shook his head, covering his face with his hands. “Fuck. That doesn’t mean I don’t want to see him, though.”
“Of course it doesn’t. I think you want to see him more than you want to breathe air into your lungs, buddy. But you should know that every time Sash has had to see you in a bad way, he has been worried. And scared. I’ve seen him deeply distressed trying to brace himself to see you when it’s been touch and go for you. We can’t let you punish yourself for what you’re feeling right now because anyone would be feeling the same way in your shoes,” Ari promised him. “Once they move you in there, you can sit with him as long as you want. He’d want you there, I know, even if you’re scared. Maybe especially so. You’ve always been partners in crime.”
Justin made a fist with his hand and rested his head against it. He was shivering, hating how cold he felt inside all the time, even if on the outside, he was sweating and flushed with how worked up he was. “If something happens to him while I’m in there… if I’m in the way…”
“That’s why this bed’s been sourced for you, buddy. It’s easily moved so they can get to him quickly. He’s been stable for a few days now with no seizures. That’s a good sign.” Arian didn’t know if he would get Justin to move on from where he was stuck. Anxiety could be like painful shackles around every part of you, including your mouth when you were trying to verbalise what was in your head. It was tough because Justin was almost-literally in physical shackles immobilized in a bed. It wasn’t surprising he was struggling to face having to move, let alone why. No one in the world would be okay with having to see the love of your life on life support in an ICU. Throw into the mix that Justin thought he was constantly at risk of harming the people he loved, it was such a cruel and overwhelming enemy he was trying to battle. But that was mental illness in a nutshell. “Justin, I want you to just listen to me closely for a bit, yeah? Try to tune out the rest of the room and just focus on my voice. I want to talk to you about why you’re feeling all this. You’re unwell and seriously injured too, okay? Just like Sash is.”
Justin never did good with tuning anything out. That was probably the biggest reason why he hurt himself so much, he couldn’t stop the noise or the pain, no matter how he tried. But with Ari, he had always connected with. He trusted him and he understood things when Ari explained them. The panic was there. He hated the panic. It made him feel sick and made his body do things he couldn’t stop. But he also knew panic was something Sash also had to live with so it was something Justin had come to not feel quite so alone in living with. Only now, Sash wasn’t really there. It was harder than ever before to be feeling. He didn’t want to fucking feel any of this. “It can’t be about me. I’m not—”
Ari put both his hands over Justin and applied a little pressure to get his attention. He shook his head. “You are important, Justin. And this is about you. All of this, it’s about both you and Sash. You were both hurt in the crash and you both could’ve died. I know you want to see him. It’s our job to make sure you’re both protected so you can. You can’t process trauma or traumatic pain. That’s why you’re so scared. It’s not because you can’t do this. It’s your brain missfiring and making you think you will cause harm if you do. You won’t. It’s safe.” He quickly flagged another nurse because the other hadn’t returned with the medication, though he could see her through the glass wall at the nurses’ station holding a kidney dish, so she was on her way back. “We can just get him some ice chips? Thanks so much.”
“I want it to stop,” Justin pleaded in a tiny voice, reflexively gripping Ari’s hand back when he felt the squeeze.
“The medication will help to ease it. It won’t be valium, they know you don’t cope with how that makes you feel. How about we let them give you the medication you need and we wait a few minutes to see how you feel? Is that okay?” Ari suggested, trying now the tactic of breaking down the hurdle Justin was trying to face into smaller pieces that he could maybe absorb easier. Justin couldn’t refuse medication because he was under strict mental health intervention orders but it was always better for him if he understood it was coming and why. “I promise, I’m going to make sure you’re okay.”
Eventually, after a long stretch of time where Justin concentrated on taking every word Ari was saying in, he nodded but his breathing was still heavy and he had now knotted his fingers in a tight ball around his fingers. The feeling of being a specimen to be gawped at in a giant medical fishbowl was seeping back but he trusted Ari’s promise to him. “A-Are they all going to be in there with me while I see him?”
When the nurse returned with the ice chips, Ari thanked him again and then waited for a moment while the other nurse intercepted briefly to tell Justin she was just going to give him the medication he needed through his IV, which was now on a central line port because the veins in his arms were too bruised and not holding the canulas well enough to do the job. It was a quick process and then Ari was able to coax Justin to have ice chips. His voice was constantly hoarse and scratchy because he’d been intubated after the accident and now had so much oxygen therapy. It was importan to keep him hydrated but this was more of a sensory thing. Ice or ice water had always helped Justin’s sensory processing when he was agitated or stressed. It just pinged his brain to try to recalibrate a little. Definitely wasn’t always a success but it was tactic that couldn’t hurt him or distress him if it didn’t work. “No, you can have some time alone with him to talk to him, and you should. The medical staff will still need to monitor you both as they have been but they don’t need to be in the room for that. They’ll just be near if you need help. So will your mom and I, and your nana and granddad are just down the hall in the family area with Mhari and Reecy. You can have private time with him but you won’t be alone, buddy. Just rest a few minutes, now. Try some more slow breaths and let the medicine do its job.”
Justin did what Ari suggested, dropping his head to the pillow and closing his eyes. Ari could see Alexis was struggling with everything Justin was going through and he put his hand on her arm to try to reassure her too. Ari wasn’t a parent but he could only imagine what they went through when their kids were in so much pain. It would be unbearable. Alexis just managed a faint exhausted smile, patting his hand in return before going back to kiss Justin’s head and stroke his hair.
Justin didn’t say much more after that. A short while later when Ari could see that Justin’s breathing had evened out, his sweating had eased, and his agitated fidgeting had calmed, he asked Justin if he wanted to try again, all he received was a nod. Justin wasn’t fighting it now. He wasn’t saying anything. He just let the staff do whatever they needed to do, eyes downcast the whole time. Ari honestly didn’t know if Justin realised that the reason there were so many people in the room was because it was a highly specialised medical team overseeing what was happening so he would be kept as safe as possible but it really didn’t matter. In the grander scheme of things, to Justin, it didn’t. He had way more to knot up in his traumatised brain and most of it was likely focused on anyone but himself. This the first time he had heard Justin voice concern about his own injuries, about whether they would impact on his future career. He had almost touched on it in the viral video he posted before anyone could counsel him about whether he should or not, but Ari had seen in that that Justin kept stopping himself before he mentioned any sort of long-term damage to himself from this accident. It had solely been about reassuring his fans that he was still alive, even if everything had gone to shit and he didn’t know what would happen next. Facing whether he would be able to dance after this — or perform at all — was too much of a terrifying mountain for him to conquer yet. And it would take a lot more help to get him to confront it. But Ari suspected that if Sash didn’t pull through, ultimately, it wouldn’t matter and that was why he could bear to think beyond getting in to see Sash. Justin wouldn’t survive Sash’s loss and his loved ones were all deeply aware, and terrified themselves, of it.
Alexis stepped back against the wall with Ari again when the nurses flanked Justin’s bedside to prep him to put the pelvic binder on before they began to carefully reposition him for the patslide transfer. ‘Terrified’ was no longer a strong enough word to describe what Alexis had been feeling for her son since the acciden but everything in general was so overwhelming. She was glad he had people like Ari in his life who so naturally knew how to help him. Ari was so gentle and compassionate in his bedside manner, too. “Is he really going to be okay with this, Ari?” she asked him quietly.
Ari put his arm around Alexis’ shoulders. He knew this would be extra difficult for her without Sam here. It really had been vitally important to get Mark through detox so he could start medication to conquer the alcohol cravings, though. It would’ve been even more damaging to Justin if his dad was too unwell himself to care for him through the rehab he was facing. Mark would’ve only gotten worse if they waited. “He’ll be able to turn a corner if he can be with Sash. Even if it’s horrific for him to see Sash like that, Justin always copes better having some control with what’s happening around him. Being able to do nothing but just sit with Sash and touch him was always going to be better than absolutely nothing at all. This is one of those times we need to let him go it alone as much as we can because he really will be okay, even if he’s terrified, and we can’t possibly know how he’s feeling.”
Alexis nodded, trying not to wince when she saw the brace they were about to put Justin in. That ever-present urge to want to wrap him in cotton wool and promise him he would never be in paian again was thrumming in her chest alongside her heart pounding. She took Ari’s hand so she had something to anchor to while all they could do was watch and let the professionals do their job. It just didn’t matter to Alexis how professional and learned they all were, it still would forever be frightening for her to trust them with her baby that she spent so long thinking she’d never have in her life. Now that she did, it was like she was always waiting to lose him all over again and she knew she would never get used to feeling that particular pain.
LOG, COMPLETE