dreamlikenewyork | "And we will cry together. And we'll fight this together. And we'll be strong together."

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"And we will cry together. And we'll fight this together. And we'll be strong together."

Who: Sam Campbell and Alexis Harrington
What: Processing
Where: Sydney, Australia
When: After this

After the meds finally began to do their job and Sam managed to get some decent sleep and take a shower without that constant feeling of being about to throw up or pass out abating, he began to feel a little more human. Until then, he hadn't had the energy or strength to process the diagnosis he had been given. In truth, he had suspected it. Not necessarily as quickly as he should have (he might be a doctor, but he had been as sick as a dog, so give him a break), but once he saw his bloodwork - and armed with the knowledge he had gotten worse on antibiotics, not better - he knew it was a distinct possibility. Letting it sink in and absorb, however, it was going to take more time.

When he came out of the bathroom, Alexis helped him back into his bathrobe, taking advantage of the temporarily disconnected IV line to help him get a little more comfortable now they knew he'd be there for a few days. He sat on the side of the bed and patted the spot beside him for her to join him. Once she was seated, he gave her a faint yet apologetic smile. "Not really what you signed up for, huh? I'm sorry I haven't really been able to... verbalise how I'm feeling. I wanted to. I know what it's like to be in your shoes. Mark's usually the expert in internalising his feelings. It's okay if you don't want to do any of this. Focusing on Justin should be your priority."

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Sam's hair was still damp from the shower and she brushed it back off his face and then went back to rubbing some soothing circles to his back like she had been before he decided he wanted to take a shower. "Focusing on Justin and you is my priority. You're not mutually exclusive. I know it's easier for you to think about taking care of everyone else but this time, you're the one that needs taking care of. I don't know what you need right now and I don't think you do either, so I'm just going to be here for you. I expected you to get straight on the phone to get Mark back." She nodded to the mug that was just delivered to his room before he came out of the bathroom. "Peppermint tea, if you're to try to keep something more than water down."

"You're not internalizing, darling. I see how you're feeling written all over your face. You don't need to talk about it unless you want to. I'm just worried about that cryptic exchange with Luella and that you're about to tell me you're going to deny treatment like your wife did." She didn't know what else to read into it. Luella had been trying to coax Sam into talking about something but he deflected. She had been worrying herself sick since then but didn't want to try to force him to talk when he wasn't feeling well enough.

"I want him here. But that means I'd have to tell him and I'm not ready to see that look on his face yet. That... flash of realisation that we might not actually be together forever. Which I know will be there because it's exactly how I felt when I found out he'd had a heart attack. When you're a twin, you kind of take it for granted you'll do life together. I don't know how I'm going to tell him." Sam picked up the mug of tea but just held it in his hands, bracing himself for attempting it. With a sigh, he shook his head slowly. "It's not that. I'd never reject treatment. I know what needs to be done, sweetheart. I'd never do that to you. To anyone I love. It's not going to be as harrowing as it sounds. It'll likely be oral chemo, in pill form. The other thing, I'm just... not sure we're at a place to talk about it. We should have more time for it, that's all."

Edited 2021-01-07 17:21 (UTC)

By now, Alexis had seen many instances of the extremely close and special bond Sam and Mark had as identical twins. Mark had told her he had been feeling his twin spidey sense about something being wrong with Sam beyond a simple tummy bug and now all that was being proven accurate. For Sam to be balking at wanting Mark here, she knew it had to be killing him but he had to take all this at his own pace and deal with it how he needed to. "I've got your back on everything, darling. No matter how you need to face it. This is uncharted territory for you. There's no way in hell you can just know the best way to navigate any of this just because you're a doctor. You have deeper knowledge of the medical stuff but this time, you're the patient. That's got to be so damn hard." It was a relief to hear it wouldn't be IV chemo. She assumed the pills would have the same effect and they wouldn't know how Sam would go with it until it started. "Can you tell me? So we can work together on it? I don't want to force your hand or anything but I could see by Luella's demeanour, it's something serious. It's a game-changer, isn't it? Only if you're up to it. It can wait if you need more time to process everything. I love you, okay? That's not going to change."

Sam slipped his arm around Alexis' waist and gave her a soft kiss now he'd had the chance to freshen up and brush his teeth. "I'll tell him when he comes back. He needs to be the first to know. I don't want to call him back and freak him out. This is the type of thing that could have him fall off the wagon." He took a couple of hesitant sips of the tea and placed the mug back on the bed tray table. He didn't want to tempt fate and take too much too soon. Then he took a bracing breath and met Alexis' gaze, mapping his tongue over his chapped lips. He was trying to sift through the confused fogginess in his head to figure things out but there was so much that needed to be worked through now. "There's a very real chance chemo can cause infertility. Lue was trying to tell me now would be the time to think about freezing my sperm if I want to have kids, before treatment begins. That's why she was insisting it was important. Jeezus, I'm starting to feel dizzy again. I think I need to lie down," he mumbled nursing his head in his hand.

"Oh, honey," Alexis murmured, kissing his temple. This was huge and she couldn't blame him for feeling overwhelmed or reluctant to bring this up. But making sure he was comfortable was the most important thing and she rose from the bed so she could help him lie back down. This time, she laid down with him so she could hold him until the dizziness passed a little. She couldn't deny a lot was suddenly spinning through her mind and she wasn't sure how to navigate this stuff, but she knew Sam probably didn't either. "Sam, I think you should do this. You need to. It's not going to make me think you're assuming we'll have a baby if that's what's worrying you. You should still be able to have this as an option. Children is something you've always wanted. You're allowed to want this as a contingency. But I know it's a lot to take in, something you thought you could call upon if you needed it. Is it just infertility that's a risk or... impotence?"

Sam had to lie there for a little bit until the wave of queasy wooziness passed. He exhaled slowly once he felt like he could lift his head without the room spinning. "I'm so glad you're here with me right now, sweetheart. I just want you to know how much it's meant taking care of me. I know I should've said something when I had concerns it might be more serious but I was trying not to think about it too much. In a lot of ways, this all still feels so new, even though I know we're beyond the honeymoon phase. It was nice to be in that new relationship phase. I was enjoying just taking it as it comes, letting it progress organically. Something like this, it ruins all that. I don't want to have to think about any of this again. It's stirring up bad memories that I'm not exactly sure how to deal with. If this is all too much and you don't want to stick it out, I'll completely understand. Please don't get upset that I'm saying that. That's not how I mean it. I just mean that this is still new and it's okay if it's all too much. I'll bow out gracefully. It won't impact anything for you with Justin." The words were pouring out of him once he began to let them. He knew he was in a bit of shock and had a lot to process but this was important to him to get out there. It would be easier to rip off the band-aid sooner rather than later.

Alexis listened to everything he was saying and let him get it all off his chest. She anticipated something along these lines because it seemed to be part of the Campbell DNA make up to not want to be a burden on the people they loved. But mostly because she knew Sam wasn't used to the position he was in. It would take him time to work through how he was feeling and she was glad he was talking to her about it without trying to bottle it up. That was more Mark's MO and it was interesting to her that Justin seemed to have inherited both things in equal measure. "Sam, honey... I don't want you thinking any way you 'should' be responding or acting right now. There's nothing you 'should' be saying or doing. We take this at your pace. This doesn't ruin our relationship. It doesn't make me stop wanting it. Thank you for the chivalrous get-out-of-jail-free card but I'm all-in as much as I was when we decided to give this a go. I'm not letting you bow out. But you are going to let me take care of you. You are. Even if it takes you a long time to adjust to that." She kissed his hand and then held it against her cheek. "I want you to take the option of freezing your sperm for you. Whatever we decide together down the track about a family, you need to have this option now. Because if you don't, you'll regret it. This isn't game over. And you know what? Maybe I should freeze my eggs too, just in case? We do this together."

Eyes locked on Alexis' face, Sam nodded a little. "I... I really don't know what I'm feeling. Kind of emotionally numb but I think it's because I'm exhausted. And I feel like this is stirring things up I've buried my head in the sand about for a long time. But you're right, sweetheart. If I don't pull my finger out and deal with it, it'll be too late and I'll regret it. I'm not an overly spiritual person. Maybe become a little more so since hearing Sash's experience with Andi, but sometimes it's hard not to wonder if there's a higher power at play. That usually means a belief that things will work out if they're meant to be but what if it also does mean things happen for a reason? Sometimes, I wonder if some higher power is telling me I'm not meant to have kids." He paused for a moment, fingers resting against his lips, eyes closed while he waded through his thoughts that cut close to things he hadn't wanted to think about in a long time. "I didn't just lose a son when Michelle died. Lisa, my previous partner, she was pregnant with twins the first time we were together. It was an accident, failed birth control. She miscarried and it caused our breakup the first time around. She said she wanted to have the babies and we were going to give it a go but she admitted to me after the fact that she felt like it was for the best, because of our busy lives, she had grown children of her own. Then we got back together later down the track and we decided that we wouldn't try the falling pregnant thing but we'd like to adopt. And we got so close. There was a little boy who had lost his family in a terrible accident. He had medical issues, it wouldn't have been a problem. But it all fell through when a family member came forward and decided to take him. Now this. Just as you and I started talking about the possibility of a family. All around me, there's always felt like there's so many people who didn't even seem to want kids and got them without trying. Two of my brothers, for example. And I never quite get there before something happens and it just... goes to shit. I don't know if I have the energy left for any more leaps of faith, sweetheart. I really don't."

Edited 2021-01-14 13:00 (UTC)

It was easy to connect the dots on what Sam was saying. They had that connection now, they had bonded as partners and had time to forge something special. But she had that consciousness all along that it was a significant work-in-progress, if for no other reason than Justin. Justin needed the time to adapt this new family structure. He had to adapt to learning she was his birth mom and now she was dating his cherished Uncle Sam. Beyond that, she and Sam were meeting minds on taking chances and leaps of faith together. It wasn't easy. They both had baggage. She realised just how much grief Sam, himself, had truly been carrying in his heart about loss of what could've been, just like she had with Justin. "And you think that me not wanting to face having more children is another sign of all this?" she guessed softly, now gently rubbing his stomach through the blanket tucked around him. "I can't take this pain away from you, my love. And right now, I don't want to just offer reassurances that won't help. This is an emotional process you had no warning to prepare for. Just take it one step at a time, okay? And right now, the first step is deciding if you want to freeze your sperm before you start treatment. Once you decide that, we take the next step. I'm here. Mark will be here. You're not alone, darling. You're not alone in this."

"It's hard not to think what could be signs right now. I'm questioning everything. I can't switch my mind off. I'm a doctor. I knew what this could be and I still didn't want to think about it because I knew what it would mean. Yes, it's treatable. Yes, it's one of those cancers you'd probably prefer to get if you had to get any at all but it's still cancer. It's still treated with toxic chemicals that's going to make me feel worse and take away one thing I always... shit, I don't know. Banked on as being there if I wanted it to be, like a security. Now all this is very much on the clock and I feel like this is emotionally railroading you into things you weren't ready to consider. It was significant and incredible enough that you entertained having more children as not completely out of the question, but did I truly think you could get to a point of resolving your past trauma with Justin to want to change those choices you had to make to protect yourself? No, I don't think I did. I didn't think you should have to confront your demons if I wasn't confronting mine. It was a comfortable in-between place..." Sam put his hand over his forehead, even thinking feeling like it was painful. He was beginning to understand how Justin felt when a depressive episode was hitting, that he just wanted to go to sleep and switch his mind off. "I feel like if I decide to do this, I'm putting unfair pressure on you about our future."

"You're discounting one thing, darling. All those demons of my, all that trauma, was caused by not having my son. Now I do. I know he's alive. I know he's cared for and at least physically healthy. He's beautiful and kind and talented, all the things I hoped he could be. Also? I didn't plan on falling in love when I found him but I did. With you. And I don't do things in halves. I'm not one foot in, and one out. We're doing this together and I'm here for you. You need to do this, okay? You do. I think you should talk to Mark about all of it because I think until you get your twin backup, all this is going to feel overwhelming and terrifying. You've both told me that you only cope with the hard stuff together. Don't think of any of this as absolutes or completes. You're just preserving your chance to have kids down the track. You have to act to protect that security you're talking about." Alexis kept softly stroking hr fingers through Sam's hair, pausing so he had time to at least attempt to digest some of this. "What would you do if I wasn't here? If you were getting this news single and there was no relationship as a factor? Just stop for a few moments and take some deep breaths, work through the initial panic. I know you can do it. I've seen you do it with Mark and Justin."

When Alexis said that, Sam did pause and take in a deep breath. As he exhaled, he realised how overwhelmingly more difficult it was being calm for himself than it was doing the same to help the people he loved. It was enough even to distract him from the crap at hand. He brushed Alexis' hair back from her face and tucked it behind her ear so he could press a soft kiss to her lips. "Despite the mood I'm in right now, I'm grateful every single day that you found him and all this happened. Well, everything but bloody this." He closed his eyes and rested his head against her shoulder, brushing his fingers softly back and forth over the back of her hand. "I don't know how I'm going to tell him this. He's already got a lot on his plate. I don't know if it'll have a knock-on on Justin. If I could do this without having to bother anyone, I would. I don't know what I'd do if I was single. Are you sure this doesn't feel like you're being forced into something? That's the last thing I want. I wanted to be able to take things slow, at a pace we were both okay with. Now everything's gone to shit."

Alexis scrutinized him closely, wishing she knew everything going through his mind so she could help bear the emotional burden with him. "You're not entertaining any ideas of delaying telling him, are you? I only ask because I know how you Campbell guys operate now. If you can shoulder more to protect the others, you will. While it's a beautiful thing you're so protective of each other, you also have a tendency to sacrifice your own wellbeing to achieve it. This will be easier for your to cope with having Mark with you. Why don't you text him, ask him to come back to the hospital?" Justin's potential reaction to the news was worrying her but she heard he had been pretty strong when his family needed him, even if he initially didn't cope well. "How was Justin when Paris was diagnosed with the tumour? I've seen how close he is with Paris too, they have a similar sense of humour and intolerance to bullshit. But I've not heard him talk about when Paris was ill. Forced into something...? What's this something supposed to be? You don't trust me when I say I love you unconditionally?"

Sam shook his head with a resolute sigh. "No. Not really. I mean, I wish I could. I wish I didn't have to tell him anything at all but that's not really how we've ever rolled. He's going to know something's wrong. He just will. We've been staging interventions on each other since we were kids. If I thought there was any way I could get through this treatment without battling side effects, I'd probably entertain the idea of just getting on with it and not stressing everyone. I'm dreading it but if I put it off, he'd be royally pissed off at me for not telling him." He picked up his phone from beside the bed and was about to send Mark a text to ask him to come back to the hospital but there was already a text sitting there from Mark that must've come through when he was in the shower. "Shit. Gen's here. She flew over with her dad, Paris, and Mikey. They've rented a place nearby. I promise, I'm not putting tis off but he's going to be tied up right now. He hasn't had a shag in months. I'm not going to spite him that. Do you feel like you'll be pushed out. I promise, that won't happen. I need you both. Justin was actually pretty incredible when Paris was diagnosed. He was upset and distressed at first but then he made sure to visit Paris as much as he could. He tends to skirt traumatic times. Paris' diagnosis was a shock and very sudden. Not to mention public. He blacked out in the middle of a London Fashion Week event."

Alexis drew her lips together but couldn't help a small huff of amusement. "Well, considering his son was expressing concern his dad might start humping inanimate objects and develop arthritis in both wrists, I hope Gen stocked up on some Red Bull," she joked, softly massaging the nape of Sam's neck. "I know you're not putting it off, sweetheart. When and how you want to tell him is entirely up to you. I'm here to help if you need me to. You're going to stress about telling your family regardless, which is tough enough when you're already feeling so unwell. Are you scared I'm going to walk out on you for his? I feel like you're trying to vet me for all possible scenarios that might make me want to end things with you. If you don't want to do this and I'm not what you're looking for, you just need to tell me. Have I done or said something that makes you think I can't handle any of this?"

Sam shook his head and put his hand over his forehead. "No. I'm not and I'm sorry, love. I'm messing this up. The last thing I want is to make you feel like I'm analysing how you should handle this. That's really not what I mean. Sorry, I just think it's all catching up with me. I can't get my head around everything and I feel like a broken record saying how crap I'm feeling. I'm worried about how Mark's going to cope with this and the last thing I want is something like this getting in the way of everything for everyone. I'm not even sure what I'm trying to say anymore." He rested his head on Alexis' shoulder. "Everything you've said and done has been perfect. I just felt like we were getting to a place where we had future plans and everything was settled. Even with the pandemic, we've been fortunate as a family to be able to be together."

"This has been a huge shock, my love, and I think you're trying to figure out too much too soon. Just try to slow down a little. But if you can't and you need to have a complete breakdown, that's okay. I can handle that too. Any response here is valid. I know you want to try to figure everything out as quickly as you can and try to shield everyone you love from the impact but you're a doctor, you know that's not how this stuff works." Alexis was still learning the intricacies of the twin dynamic between Sam and Mark. It was easy to understand their vibe on the face of it but they had been through so much together in their lives, you couldn't make any assumptions about the extent they needed each other to function. "Sweetheart, I'm sure Mark and Gen will make the most of their private time any time they can now Gen is here. I think you should call him to come see you. You're not going to be able to do any of this without him. You've not done anything major in your lives without each other. And this is huge. I know you want you and I to just have that easy relationship mojo to figure this out but I don't want you to have to try without Mark. We're dating and I love you so much but I know you need Mark to find your feet with this."

There was a gentleness to Alexis' overall demeanour that Sam truly cherished today, one of the hardest moments of his life. He was sure this was part of her DNA that Justin inherited because he had the same sort of gentleness caring for Sash, his family, his friends. Sam knew he needed to be called out here before he spontaneously combusted and freaked everyone out unnecessarily. He didn't want to cause anyone more pain than they would already face receiving this news. "I don't want to lose my shit with this, love. It's easiest for me to try to make sure everyone's okay, even if I hardly feel it myself. I don't want to be an arse and accidentally make you feel like you're sidelined. You're not. I want us to be each other's future. I just didn't expect any shit like this. All I wanted was to be by your side while you finally had the chance with your son. I do need Mark but I think... I think I just need a couple of days to process it myself before I can tell him. I'm not ready. I just want to go home to bed." He laced his fingers with hers and squeezed her hand. "Are you okay? Would you tell me if you weren't?"

"It's okay to need time. I think he'll know something's not okay, though. But you also know each other better than you do anyone else, so I'm sure he'd understand if you needed to catch your breath. You can't completely shield him from the blow, though. That's the hardest damn thing about families, sometimes we hurt them for the pure reason they love us. How long can you delay treatment, though? I don't know a lot about chemo but I know the side effects probably aren't easy to conceal, nor will you have a lot of strength to be able to even try. I don't feel side-lined, I just feel helpless. I feel exactly the same way right now as I did seeing Justin sick for the first time. I'm okay, I just feel like you're pulling away from me. That maybe you're having second thoughts now you're not well, like I should only want to be in this if you're perfectly healthy and without excess baggage. I'm not sure. Actually, no... I'm not really okay at all. I feel like there's something you're trying to push me away from here," Alexis admitted and let Sam's hand go, choosing to get up from the bed so he had his space and went to stand by the window.

You can't completely shield him from the blow, though. Sam closed his eyes when he replayed Alexis' words over in his head. He knew she was right but hearing it out loud was enough to make him feel like he was going to vomit again. But as sick as he was feeling, he knew how easily he could let Alexis slip through his fingers here and he couldn't let that happened. "Not intentionally, darling. I promise you that. If there's one thing I'd never want any of my family to go through, it's what I went through losing Michelle and my son. I would sell my soul if I could've spared them that. That includes you, Lex. I know this is treatable and there's good odds but it's still cancer. Right now, I can't tell if I just feel sick or like my whole world was just ripped out from under me. I'm not meaning to push you away. I just don't feel well enough to figure out what the next move should be. I kind of just want to feel like shit for awhile and go to sleep. I just want to be able to spare you all from any of this. That's all."

Alexis went back to Sam's side and sat beside him, taking his hand again so she could gently pull him into a hug. "It's okay to need time. I didn't mean to push you. You can't spare us, though. It's a beautiful thing that you want to and I've never had someone who cared about me like that before but you're sick and I think you're just going to cause yourself extra stress and getting even more upset that you can't find a way to soften the blow. I understand why all this must be hard for you, sweetheart. It's stirring up old trauma for you and you're still feeling too sick to have the strength for it. What can I do to help? Do you want me to text Mark and tell him to come back tomorrow instead because you want to try to get some sleep? If you just need to be alone to process everything, I can go too. Don't try to spare me, though. You spare us all, that means you're alone. I love you and I'm fucking crushed this is the diagnosis and by how much you're hurting."

Sam kissed the backs of Alexis' fingers and gave a resolute no. "I know, and that's the hard part. It's not to be a pain in the arse, I'd just rather do anything than see my family hurting. There's already been so much pain. But I'm not Mark. He's the one who would purposefully try to hide shit, which is how I've seen that it never ends well. It's just buying a bit of time, that's all. All I wanted was to be support for you while you came into Justin's life and navigated your way through figuring out how you want to be his birth mum. I didn't expect us to get to this place. I truly just thought we got a bit carried away initially and it was a bit of fun, but even that wasn't my intention. It's been amazing that it did turn out like this. But I'm really not so versed in needing to be taken care of by a partner and I'm really sorry for the accidentally slip into wankerism, making you feel like I was pushing you away. I don't want to face this without you, love. I also don't want to spew on you. Shit, this nausea," he moaned, grabbing another of the sick bowls that had been left for him. Even if he wanted to hide this, he wouldn't have been able to.

"Here, sweetheart. Sit forward." Alexis took the bowl to hold for him and sat close so she could softly rub his back and massage is shoulders. She could feel the tension knotted there. "I've dealt with far worse than being thrown up on. I survived my baby son being stolen from me and presumed murdered, remember? I survived my family being investigated for it and right up until Justin publicly stated I was his birth mom at his opening night, people still believed my family had something to do with it. I know we're still learning each other but this is where you learn the lesson that I've got you. I'm here for you. It doesn't take away me being there for Justin. This isn't an either-or for me, you both the same family. I'm going to be here for you while you're sick and battling through the treatment and I'll be there for Justin as he deals with the news his beautiful uncle who he loves so fucking much is sick. Because I concur with him. I think his uncle his beautiful and I also love him so fucking much. You need to sit down and let me love you without feeling like you need to hold up right now to protect everyone. It's our turn to protect you."

Sam was frustrated the medication wasn't working but he had to remember he was a doctor and it sometimes took time to figure out what treatment worked best. It was just the nature of the illness he was now diagnosed with when it had gone undetected so long and exacerbated. All the being sick had wiped him out, though. He just wanted a breather and to begin to feel slightly better. He would be in a better headspace to process and accept what was in his immediate future if he wasn't constantly feeling like vomiting. He couldn't even enjoy a cup of tea. Once he was done, he had some water and closed his eyes at how nice it felt for Alexis to be rubbing his back and shoulders. "I love you too. It means the world to have you here right now. I'm just bummed we haven't had much of a honeymoon period with our relationship. I guess I value the romance stuff more than I realised but I didn't mean to make you feel like I was pushing you away or that you can't handle this. You can. You're stronger than I've ever been. How did you even survive all what when you were grieving for Justin? I know it's a constant fear for you now that you'll lose him all over again. I can tell by the way you look at him sometimes."

Alexis got up to go and dampen the cloth in the bathroom again. She came back and sat beside Sam again, softly patting the cloth to his face and then pressing it to the back of his neck because he was clammy after being sick again. "We can take a raincheck on the romance stuff until you're feeling better. It's not going away, it's just paused. You need rest. You need to stop being sick and be able to keep fluids down. I don't need you to be Romeo right now. Are you sure you're up to talking about the hard stuff?" She bit her lip and sighed. "Okay, um... I was very angry for a long time. I tried to shut everyone out. It was one of the worst feelings I've ever had to experience. I had this hunger to hold him and be his mommy but he just wasn't there. It was this cold emptiness. Top that off with cops trying to question my family and I about motives and facing accusations of wanting to murder my baby son, I drank a lot because it hurt too much when I was sober. I wasn't an alcoholic or anything. My parents intervened before anything serious happened but it was awful. I actually didn't want to live. I wished I'd never woken up. Music helped me come through it."

"Talking helps keep my mind off how crook I feel. I do actually feel a bit better, believe it or not. The vomiting's going to need more thrown at it, I think. Before this, I hadn't been sick in such a long time, it's like I'm making up for lost time." Sam affectionately rubbed his hand over Alexis' thigh when she started opening up. He was grateful for her presence and all she was doing to take care of him. Life had come such a full circle, in many ways it was difficult to believe how much time had passed and how much life had moved on since his wife passed from breast cancer. His son would've been about Justin's age had she been able to carry him to term. He and Michelle married really young in their first year of university but they had been good friends since kindergarten and dating since they were fifteen, Justin's age when he came to New York and found Mark. Now Sam had this cancer diagnosis dumped on him, he found a lot of things stirring at the back of his mind. He knew it was to bring up a lot of difficult memories. This was his future, though, one he desperately wanted with Alexis. "I'm so sorry you hit rock bottom with losing him but you couldn't have prevented how you reacted. I know how trauma works, love. I know tough times in life can stir shit up in when hard things hit. I don't want you to ever feel like you can't talk to me about what you've been through, even when I'm sick. But you know what? I think you should talk to him about feeling suicidal when he was stolen. You probably feel like it would trigger him but I know when Sparky talked to him about his own suicidal thoughts when he had his breakdown, Justin began to feel like his trauma was validated. I know my nephew, and I know that probably sooner rather than later, he's going to ask you directly about all this."

Alexis wrapped her hand around Sam's. She could hear how he was feeling in his voice and in what he wasn't saying, just as much in what he was. "Do you want me to take you to visit Michelle and Louis? When you're feeling a little better and they can stabilise the vomiting. I know you have a lot on your shoulders right now and you're probably scared about telling your family the news, especially Mark. But it's inevitable all of this will be opening old wounds for you. Justin told me that you don't often talk about your wife or your previous life, and I know that's not because you don't want to. It's because it's too hard. What you're facing, it's going to stir things up. You wouldn't have had a chance to visit them yet before you fell ill and I know you wanted to. I'm here for those moments you're not coping and to listen to whatever you need to talk about. If I promise to talk to Justin about what I went through when I lost him, will you promise to lean on me as much as you need to?"

Sam interwove his fingers with Alexis'. "I can promise I'll try. I might not always do the best job at it but I'll give it a shot. I've been taking care of other people for so long, I don't think I'm that great at being the one taken care of. I guess that's one regard Sparky and I are pretty similar. He doesn't do it easily either. I hate seeing my family in pain and knowing there's no way I can stop it. This time, it feels so much harder because I know what they'll have to go through hearing the news because I've been there." He had a lot on his mind, far more than he could work out with just some deep rumination. "I'd like that, if you could take me to visit them. If there's any chance they're up there watching over me, I'd like to ask them a really big favour to give it all they've got. Is this an heirloom? I don't think I've ever seen you take it off? Are rubies a favourite?" He ran his thumb over the gold ruby ring Alexis wore on her left hand.

"If you can convince your doctor friends that it's okay for you to safely be out of here, and I'll take you anywhere you need to be, my love. I'll give you as much space as you need or I'll be there if you don't want any. If nothing else, I've learned from my kid how to care for the person I love and I think I've had one of the best teachers in the world." Alexis softly swept Sam's hair back, seeing how grief and fear had crept into his features around the sick exhausted pallor. She hadn't seen him look like this before and knew there had to be so much more weighing his heart down than he had the strength to talk about extensively. She looked at her finger when she felt Sam's touch and turned her hand over when he wanted a closer look at her ruby heart ring. "No. Well, I mean, maybe one day it will be an heirloom. It's Justin's birthstone. My family gave it to me on his first birthday. On the underside, they have five little gemstones inserted, our birthstones. Like we were all watching over him. I never really thought of it as luck that we might find him one day, so much as... hope. It worked," she added with soft smile.

"I can be safely out of here now but it's not a bad call to keep me in for fluid and electrolyte therapy until I can keep something solid down. I don't intend to be a pain in anyone's arse not following doctor's orders. Sparky and Jim do that enough for all of us. I don't think I'm going to start feeling any semblance of better until I find the balls to tell Sparky my diagnosis. I'm just... trying to buy a bit more time, I guess. Mostly, I just want to be back in my own bed to feel shitty in private. With you. I'd give my left nut to be feeling well enough to take you to bed and make love to you all night. None of this is doing much for our romantic stakes, is it?" Sam looked a little more closely at the ring with a smile. "That's right, it's his birthstone. The earrings he wears the most are ruby studs and Sparky has ruby cufflinks our folks gave him when he got full custody of Jus. It's beautiful, sweetheart. It suits you. I wish you had his whole life. He's a beautiful kid, you would've only highlighted that as his mum."

Letting her fingers feather softly through Sam's curls at the nape of his neck, Alexis dropped a kiss of the top of his head. "See, I was told you were the voice of reason in the twin equation. I'm glad to hear you're keeping that banner held high at the moment. I can tell you and Mark don't have secrets from each other but that doesn't make it easier to talk to him about something like this. But I've seen how he navigates fatherhood and I know he's going to step up to care for you with all this, even if the initial blow is tough. Will you promise me something, though? When you're feeling like you just need time alone or time with just Mark, you'll tell me? Because it's okay. I swear to you, nothing about any of this I'll take personally. I know what it's like to care for someone with cancer. I'm here for you, in any way you need me. Our romantic stakes will still be there later. You're still beautiful and amazing." She tilted her head with a smile. "Now you mention it, he was wearing those earrings the first day I met him. I was just in awe of how perfect he looked, how so much about his style was unique to him. I expected this larger than life superstar but he was really this unassuming softly-spoken and polite young man. I'm glad all he survived didn't harden him. And that you all closed ranks around him to protect him and love him when he found you. What did you think when Mark told you he had a teenage son?"

Edited 2021-05-06 12:50 (UTC)

Drawing his lips together, Sam exhaled slowly. "Yeah, see, Sparky doesn't navigate twinhood the same way he navigates fatherhood. It's true, we don't really have secrets but he can emotionally stonewall as well as his son does. It's not intentional but sometimes getting shit out of him is like pulling teeth. In all of this, in having Justin come into our lives and having to learn a fuckton about loving someone who is mentally ill, I've actually been loving someone who is mentally ill my whole life. Which is easy to forget when he's well, especially when his illness looks nothing like Justin's. Of course, he'll step up, he's my other half. It just might not be a smooth ride. I'm not sure how I want to go about talking to him about this. As soon as I figure it out, I'll... I don't know, do the sober equivalent of taking him for a beer. We've still never quite figured out what that is. The downside of growing up with 'going for a beer with mates' is part of your culture." He smiled, enjoying listening to her talk about Justin. "You're so beautiful when you talk about him, you know? It's like you're remembering how to feel alive. You've missed out on too many years looking at your kid and thinking he's perfect. Well, yes. That. It wasn't so much a sit down heart-to-heart reveal that he discovered he had a long-lost teenage son, and more of a panicked I have a vomiting and severely dehydrated hungover kid who looks just like me, please come make sure he doesn't die, twin Batcall. Justin's survival was very touch-and-go in the early days. Mark was so convinced he was fucking it all up every step of the way. He wasn't. But he was drinking himself at the time to get through it. Life feels forever complicated. Now, even more so. Did someone in your family have cancer? It sounds like you've had first-hand experience."

"How bad was his drinking when he was at his worst with the alcoholism? Is that what brought to light the fact he had cyclothymia? He told me I could ask anything about it because his family history is part of Justin's but I didn't want to pry. I know trauma like that leaves a lot of scars but you're right, Mark carries it so well. He oozed confidence even back in college, it's what had me crushing on him. But I think he wears a mask a lot to protect his family. You guys grew up practically living at the beach, right? Maybe you could go to one of your favourites and talking it out over fish and chips." Alexis offered Sam his bottle of water again, trying to gently coax him to try to up his fluids. It had been a battle since that night he fell ill at Molly's place. "I am remembering how to feel alive, that's exactly what it feels like to me. So, you had to be the rational one while Mark tried not to completely lose his shit? I mean, fair call but he would do the same for you if you need to lose your shit. They did... it was Chance. He had testicular cancer three years ago. It was straightforward. He only had one round of chemo, one of radiation. And he was stubborn as hell about taking care of himself."

These weren't memories Sam liked to relive very often, especially not since he had seen Justin on a similar destructive path, just much more life-threatening. There was little doubt now that some of Justin's tendency to addiction and mental illness was inherited from Mark. "No, he was only diagnosed with cyclothymia around the time Justin nearly drowned at Bondi. If I remember rightly, he had just started medication when Justin attempted. He was dealing with side effects. Things with Gen had fallen apart, Alec wasn't long home from deployment. He noticed the signs. Before that, we knew he had a problem with booze and depression, but we just thought he had a reckless nature. Turns out it was up and down cycles all along, like Jus. Just much milder in presentation. For a couple of years, before Justin came into our lives and before Jamie was born, it was pretty bad. He'd have these benders and write himself off. He'd burn through loads of cash on expensive liquor. Convinced himself he wasn't father material so moved back here to Sydney, the other side of the world to his newborn daughter. I helped him dry up and detox a few times but he kept falling off the wagon. We had to stage a full-on intervention because we all knew he'd regret not being in Jamie's life. Once he met her, it gave him purpose and reason to stay dry. You're not prying, it's definitely part of Justin's genetic makeup. You should know these things. It was about as bad as it could be. When he hits hard liquor like vodka, he gets very angry and combative, so that was never fun when you consider he can be a stubborn bastard when he wants to be. Sparky is confident and highly intelligent but substance is stronger than any of that when it takes hold of you." He took Alexis' hand. "I know you probably don't want to hear this but I'm glad you missed seeing Justin before we got him treated. I think you carry enough guilt over losing him. Being here for him now is all that matters. Shit, so Chance is okay now? Did he only lose one ball? You know how Mark will feel hearing this news then."

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"And we will cry together. And we'll fight this together. And we'll be strong together."

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