dreamlikenewyork | [ TEXT MESSAGE ] To Sash @ beautifulday

It's not too bad. We're camping for a few days. Dude, you can talk to me ANY time, even if Justin's not doing well. Has something happened? Shit, you and Will haven't broken up, have you?

But you're both okay, yeah? Um, well, that's the thing. I kinda... told Will I needed a break. Only, that was weeks ago and I didn't even mean it. I mean, I did at the time, but it wasn't about needing a break from him at all. It was... other shit. Like, literally. Now I let it go so long, I'm scared to talk to him and that he hates me. I'm not like you and J, I suck at this shit.

Whoa, whoa... wait. Weeks ago? Dude, I need more info. Jus and me are fine, don't worry about that. Now, talk to me. Why did you want a break and what has that got to do with literal shit? You don't suck at it, just talk to me.

You might get pissed at me.

Z, I won't get pissed. Come on, just talk to me. It doesn't matter what it is, I won't get pissed.

I had my stoma reversed weeks ago. They couldn't give me any guarantees it would work and I was going to have complications no matter what happened. I just didn't feel like talking about any of it. I dunno why, it should've felt good. I just didn't have any faith it would be a good outcome. Once I had it done, I just felt all this embarrassment about the complications and didn't feel very loveable or sexy. Anything like that. I just wanted to let my body do whatever it was going to do and worry about the outcome later. That's when I told Will I wanted a break. And it was because they told me I might have nerve damage and nerve damage would mean my butt didn't work how it should anymore. Like, all the embarrassing stuff, sure, but also that it could, you know, be a thing for dude-on-dude sex. Not that I've ever done it before, but I was thinking more about it and doing it with Will, like with him topping. Maybe even trying viagra. Then they tell me my gut's healed well enough to try a reversal. I'm not in remission or anything but I'm getting better. Just don't really feel it.

Shit, Z. That's so amazing. Let me just get that bit out of the way, okay? It IS amazing you healed enough to try a reversal and it worked. Let me break it down a bit, though, so I can get my head around it. How you're feeling emotionally hasn't caught up with how you're feeling physically? Or you've still been feeling rough physically despite them reconnecting your gut hardware? You mean, the complications with going to the bathroom and stuff? Dude, did you tell Will why you needed a break or you just pulled the plug? He should know what's going on, but I know, this stuff isn't always easy to talk about. Is there definitely nerve damage?

Yeah, I know it should be feeling amazing. It's just like I can't even get it up emotionally, metaphorically speaking. I'm not excited or relieved about the reversal. I'm waiting for them to tell me they need to re-do it and it'll be permanent. It's just so fucking uncomfortable, man. I've been pretty much camped out in a bathroom. I'm uncomfortable and in pain. I've had accidents. It was just exhausting and I didn't know how to just still do the dating thing, you know? I've even been embarrassed with my own family. With Will, it's a whole other level, you know? Did J ever get embarrassed with you about the more, like, private body shit he went through? I didn't tell him why so much because I didn't know why myself. I still don't. It just felt too much. I know this is so fucking weird for me, I'm usually the King of the Overshare and TMI.

It took some time for Jus and me to adjust to being intimate. I'm not talking sex. I'm talking privacy and domesticity. We both had health stuff that forced us into it, really. It got easier. Now, we don't have secrets and there's no embarrassment. It's just a different level for you, buddy. That's okay. You don't have to just deal because of how you usually are or think you should be. That's probably why you're feeling so confused. Maybe it feels like you've fucked up but you haven't. You're allowed to deal with this any way you need to. Will understands that. Dating's a juggling act. On the one hand, you want to be close and intimate, share stuff you don't share with anyone else. Then on the other hand, you want to be sexy and attractive and all that stuff. Cancer's not exactly conducive to the latter. You had to let your body adjust to pooping and farting normally again. But at the same time, you still wanna try to have sex with Will at some point. If you needed time, it's okay. I mean, all that aside for a minute, how have you been feeling? Were there a lot of complications?

They paused chemo so I could have the op so I haven't been feeling nauseous or puking, which is something, I guess. But my guts haven't been better. It's just more of a lower down upset stomach feeling than nauseous. I've just been sort of a hermit, either in bed or the bathroom. Been walking a little on the farm with my family because it helps to get the muscles all functioning properly again. I just don't feel like talking about it with everyone. Some day, I feel like my ass is being micro-managed. You haven't lived until you have to give a running commentary of your butthole to your doctor over Zoom. Pandemic, bitches. I was only in hospital a few days. It was safer for me to be home in isolation. Which is what I kind of told Will at first so he didn't come over. Then I realised that was such a dick move and that's when I told him I wanted a break. He didn't do anything wrong. He did everything right. I feel in such a shitty headspace. Pun not intended. They don't think there's lasting nerve damage, just more muscle and nerve weakness. See? Not exactly sexy and romantic, is it?

Do you think you'll just pick up where you left off with Will when you start to feel better? It won't work like that, bud. A relationship is two sides. It's battling the hard stuff out together. Even if you didn't want to talk about it with him, I think he would've still wanted to be there for you. Did you just go radio-silent on him? I did that to Jus in the early days of our relationship and it really hurt him because he didn't understand why. Ironically, it was after Will thumped me. You might be in a shitty headspace because you've enforced a break with the guy you love when it wasn't really what you wanted at all, you just didn't know how to keep feeling hot and attractive for him. But, dude, he knew you had bowel cancer when you started dating. I don't think it'd stop him finding you attractive. Do you think I stopped finding Jus appealing when he's sick? That's not how it works.

No. Maybe? No, not really. I didn't know what else I could do without hurting him. You want to know the crappy part? I didn't want him to not be there, I just didn't want to deal with all the embarrassment. So, yeah, maybe I did just hope it could pick back up where we left off. It's been horrible and I miss him. But I'm still feeling shit.

Z, you've got to talk to him. It's hard, I know. But you need to tell him all this.

I know you're gonna say he won't and all, but what if he gets totally turned off by my gross stuff before we even get a chance to try banging?

That's not how love works, buddy. Especially not between two people who have both survived cancer.

I just thought it'd be easier on both of us this way.

Z, the easy way can sometime be more painful. Anything that puts distance between you isn't easier. Trust me, I learned the hard way. Even when Jus is completely disconnected in an episode, I still stick close just to be there. You wouldn't prefer to just have him there than trying to go it alone?

I've not really done this before, dude. I dunno how to get it right. I was just feeling so shit and hating on myself hardcore. I didn't wanna do anything alone but I didn't want people around me either. I wish Andi was still here. She'd get it. I know you do too, but when you're the one going through it, it fucking sucks.

I know, bud. I miss her too. She'd get it. But, Z... so does Will. There's a reason why they say in sickness and in health when you get married. It goes for when you're dating too. The dating part is when you learn each other.

I feel like a dick now. But I'm just so fucking tired. Does J ever feel like that with you?

You're not a dick, you're sick and not in a good headspace because you're facing losing more basic functioning we all take for granted. It's okay. You need to feel what you feel. Yeah, of course. We've had our struggles, some days he doesn't want anyone close to him. It doesn't mean he doesn't want me there, though. and I think that's how you're feeling about Will, yeah? Z, do you think this might be because you feel ready to have sex but you're worried now you'll not be able to? I know you were thinking along the lines of still being able to do it without getting it up. You know, Will topping and all that. You know you can talk to me about this stuff, right? Just because I'm ace, doesn't mean I can't or won't.

You're right. Only now, I think I've let it go so long, he probably hates me. Dude, I've been ready for sex since I was, like, 15. My body had other ideas. Now, the thought of it stresses me out and I've got no idea how to talk about the, you know, emotional and feelings side of it all. How did you even know how to do that with J when you'd never had the urge to do it? I mean, fuck's sake, his ex is Justin Campbell. How the hell can I come close to that sexiness? PS. Swear I'm not getting hot over your man or anything, you know what I mean, though.

It's not too late, buddy. You can't just let it fold without talking to him, you'll never forgive yourself. It's not a competition, Z. You need to go easy on yourself. Will loves you. I know it's easy to say this stuff but he's not a superficial dickhead. He's had his dickhead moments but he fixed his mistakes and learned from them. Jus isn't the sex god everyone assumes he is. He's just an excellent actor. Our sex life is pretty tame and vanilla. It was really hard for me to talk about sex at first. It really was. Justin's trauma, too, we took it slow. Just little by little. But it's something you can only talk about together and set your own boundaries.

Did it change anything when you did it? I mean, I know you guys got closer and all that. I guess I'm wondering if it'd change shit if you didn't do it, you know? You're a sex-positive ace, you do it but you could've just as easily not wanted to. Dude, I'm basically the world's most fucked gay dude if my dick AND ass don't work.

You're throwing me all the curly questions, dude. The actual having sex part? Not really. It was the intimacy that changed things. Jus and I started out in pretty intense times, so there was a lot going on before we were both ready. I figured I'd just feel ready when I was, but that never really happened. But it's a different process for me. I don't get that urge but I do have a lot of urge to be close to him and feel him near me. You still have a mouth and hands, Z. There's other ways.

[ TEXT MESSAGE ] To Sash @ beautifulday

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