dreamlikenewyork | "Everything is clearly now in hindsight. Twenty-twenty hindsight."

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"Everything is clearly now in hindsight. Twenty-twenty hindsight."

Who: Austin Shaw and Beau Watson
What: Working on Closure
Where: Oncology Unit, Mount Sinai
When: After this

When Liam was giving Austin the pep talk at the party about going to see Beau and why, after enough drinks to nearly trip down the stairs, he had a lot more balls than he did arriving at the hospital about to face the inevitable. In hindsight, he probably shouldn't have gulped down two glasses of water and a large black coffee to try to sober up a bit before he got to the hospital. He had to get the cab to stop a block too soon when none of it wanted to stay down on top of however many New Year's appletinis he had been drowning his sorrows in. But at least that and the walk in the chilly winter air sobered him up a bit more before he got to the hospital.

Liam said that Beau was working the nightshift because he was monitoring Brandon closely with the Graft-versus-Host Disease, something Austin knew about because he researched everything about bone marrow transplants when Beau was sick again during their marriage. Apparently Beau and Brandon had the same type of leukemia but Beau's chance of getting GvHD was less because his brother had donated the marrow. Even still, Beau had been so sick, they nearly lost him. Austin really did know what Merlin was going through. A whole lot of terrifying crap you could barely think about because you thought every time you woke up, your husband wouldn't be breathing or every next conversation with a doctor, they would give a terminal diagnosis.

It was also why Austin knew the Oncology Unit almost as well as they knew their home at the time. As soon as he got there, he was having second, third, fiftieth thoughts. His stomach was churning more with nerves than from the booze he had. The only thing stopping him turning around and getting another cab back to where he was staying was knowing Liam would ask Beau if he came, so he would be sprung anyway.

He expected to have to ask a nurse or a clerk to see Beau when he got to the desk, but the world was going to completely shove him into the deep end. As soon as he walked into the unit, quiet and dim for night, Beau was sitting at the circular nurses station nursing a grande cup and laughing at something the nurse sitting with him was saying. Beau looked up when he realised someone was coming into the unit and Austin saw the exact moment the penny of shock dropped.

"I ran into Liam at the party..." he murmured, clearing his throat, glancing at the nurse with a rush of relief she wasn't male. It wasn't Zander, Beau's boyfriend.

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As soon as Austin saw Beau's tears and heard how choked up he was in his voice, he was done for too. Tears welled up and he pressed his fist to his mouth to try to stop outright bursting into tears and bawling. He shook his head. "I don't know. Maybe I hoped you'd say you changed your mind and wanted to try again but I know that's not possible. Maybe let me hug you. I don't know... I really don't know. Nothing, really. I've been trying to figure out all night if I should've said something. I talked myself out of it over and over, then it was just... exploding out of me. I guess there's a whole lot I want but it's all fantasy. Reality's never that easy or simple. But all that would mean you'd have to change your mind about the cheating and I know you, that's not fair to expect when you explicitly spelt out to me before we even got married that you had zero-tolerance for cheating. I... I don't think there's anywhere we can go from here. I don't know what's supposed to happen now. It's over but... I don't think I'm ever going to get over. That's not even fair for me to tell you. I just can't feel anything else, no matter how much time passes."

"Idealistic. I mean, I don't blame you for wanting it but when have we ever been idealists? I've always thought we were realists so we're not going to be able to resolve anything on an idealistic scale." Beau secured the IV line and took the added step of covering it with a light bandage so if Austin wanted to get freaked out by the weight and terror of this conversation and yank it out again, Beau would have time to stop him before he hurt himself again. He already had a dark bruise forming over the back of his hand from where he tore the last one out but that could be factored down to being HIV Positive now. "There. No touching until the bag's finished. I'll give you some arnica for that bruise when you go home. You should've said something. Even if all this hurts, I'm still glad you want to talk it out. I don't think holding onto anger is good for either of us, health or emotional-wise. How do you know my feelings haven't already shifted hearing the situation wasn't as cut and dried as I thought it was? I had to learn that you didn't cheat on me beause I wouldn't have sex with you, and you had to learn my mental issues were a lot deeper than you thought. We're both hurting here. I respect that."

"Can I..." Austin began but stopped himself, sighing. He chewed the corner of his lip when awkwardness and uncertainty set in. "Okay, I don't even know if I can ask this, darling, but I'm just going to put it out there. I know if you won't want to answer, you'll say so and tell me to fuck off because it's none of my business. Because you're right, we've always kept it real and I learned a lot of how to best pull that off from you. I'm also not hitting on you. Nothing like that. It's purely because I care about you and I'm worried now you've given me the bigger picture. I guess what I'm trying to ask is how I should've gone about things to not fuck it up as badly as I did, thinking it was a sexual thing. Is it that you don't want to have sex? You don't get pleasure out of it anymore or don't feel like it, feel like intimacy. Or is more of a mechanical thing, where you can't get it up so it's not worth bothering? Sorry if I'm not framing it the best way. I don't want to offend you. I felt like you didn't want me near you at all back then and I'm just wondering if it's because I was making you feel like it was a staple. I want to understand the complexity, that's all."

Beau gave nod and cleared his throat. "That's fair. Seeing as it was a catalyst, then I'm okay with you asking. But give me a couple of minutes. I really need another coffee and to take a piss, so I'll be back in a few minutes. You better still be here when I get back or there's no do-over on this conversation." He got up and went to grab some cash from his desk drawer and after a quick stop at the bathroom, went to the vending machine. The mocha was tolerable and had caffeine, so it was the best option he had without going all the way down to the cafeteria like he normally would on his break. He hated instant because it upset his stomach so this was the lesser of two evils. He came back with his large coffee and a can of ginger ale with a straw, setting it down on the tray beside Austin. "I know you prefer ginger ale when you're not feeling well. Okay, the simple answer to your questions are I just... don't really feel like sex all that much. If I do, I just take care of it myself. Post-chemo cock, I've got it down to less than two minutes. The more complex answer is I don't have much sex drive anymore and I might never again. Much like I can't eat pizza or drink milk anymore because it goes straight through me. Just, you know, slightly more hot."

Beau was only gone a few minutes but it gave Austin a bit of time to think about all this. He couldn't quite believe Beau agreed to talk to him about sex when it was what ultimately led to their marriage terminating. They were getting to the hard stuff now but Austin planned to stick it out, at least until Beau had to do his rounds. He looked at the can of ginger and then glanced up to Beau with a hint of a smile. He wasn't going to let himself get stuck on Beau caring for him and remembering what he needed. It meant nothing. Beau was a doctor. This was his bread and butter. "So, it's your sex drive more than not being able to physically do it? What else has it done to you? Long term things. You can't eat dairy? I remember that was already bothering you while you were getting treatment. I had to share a bed with you, remember?" he added with a faint smirk, opening the can of ginger ale and slipping the straw into it. "You look well but I know that doesn't mean anything with you. I missed so much even when I was right there with you. What else did it I miss? I vowed to you I'd take care of you in sickness and in health."

"It's both. Honestly, this is the first I've really confronted it but new decade and all, right? It's not denial. It's just easy to not think about sex when you don't feel like it and have no libido. It's like, say there's this giant chocolate cake and everyone wants some of it. They can have as much or as little as they want and they know it's going to taste awesome because they've been having chocolate cake for years. I used to love chocolate cake. A lot of it. Now all of a sudden, after having cancer treatment, not only do I not feel like chocolate cake anymore, I don't even really feel like any cake. Even if I occasionally think, okay, I might just have a small bit, nine times out of ten, I drop the spoon before I finish it." Beau shrugged, figuring it was the best metaphor he had. He sipped the coffee and then nursed the cup against his chest. "Wedding vows aren't an unbreakable contract, as much as we wish they were. They're a promise. Promises get broken. Other than the sex stuff, I tire easily, so I have longer breaks in my rotation. The hospital's been really great about it. I'm lactose intolerant. Some days I have bone pain, so I've had to learn to take it easy when that happens and weed helps, so there's that. Recovery was never going to be a walk in the park but I never expected to lose myself so much. Shit, talking about this stuff is exhausting..." He scratching his fingers through his hair when a fatigue set in.

"You shouldn't have been going any of that alone," Austin murmured, having to actively force himself inside not to reach out to try to hug Beau. He wanted to. He wanted to hug him and so much more. Those lonely nights after a long day at work when they would snuggle on the sofa or crash in bed to spoon, he missed Beau more than ever. His absence felt like a physical ache. He lost count of the number of times he drafted lengthy emails to Beau repeatedly apologising and begging for a second chance but he never sent them. He always lost the nerve before hitting send. "I don't mean that you haven't had family and friends close. I know you do. But without us. When you needed me the most, I dropped the ball... no pun intended. You, um... you asked me what if your feelings were shifting now the situation wasn't as cut and dried as you thought. Have they? Or are you just trying to soften the blow?

"I was on autopilot. I didn't feel alone, I felt detached. Which is probably worse in a lot of ways because it means you can't always recognise something was wrong. I knew a lot wasn't right, and I knew I felt empty, but I put it down to fatigue. When I wasn't working, I just wanted to be in bed. The problem with cancer and chemo is that it can make someone recovering fatigued, so that's what we all put it down to. That's why I'm not laying everything on you. Don't get me wrong, I was so hurt and angry when you did it. I felt betrayed and defective. I thought you went out looking for sex because I couldn't give it to you. That's genuinely what I've been thinking. You thought I was falling out of love with you and didn't want you near. So, fucking what? It's fucking impossible right now for me not to be thinking if we could've saved our marriage, that it didn't have to end like that." Beau stopped, taking a deep breath once he let those feelings fall out of him in black and white, no holds barred. "But I don't know. I'm tired. I'm tired of fighting. I've got no fight left, for anything. I just come to work, go home, go through the motions. Do the family thing, the friends thing but even that's autopilot. Brandon and Merlin coming to us for treatment once Merlin drew Brandon into our fold, it's woken up a lot of my own issues and I've been very much feeling my own unpredictable mortality. So, yeah... my feelings have shifted."

Austin watched Beau closely as he spoke, took in the weary tone of his voice and could hear how he was mapping out his feelings the best he could. But there was a detachment there, something he had seen in Beau before he fucked up and destroyed everything, but that he didn't recognise was as deep as it was. It was almost like Beau was talking to a therapist here. He was narrating his feelings but Austin felt he was being deflected at the same time. Should he try to dig deeper? Was it even his right to want to? "You're not okay," he said softly. "I'd want to fight for you, now I know you can't. I'd want to take care of you how I should have, be there for all your bad days. Is there any chance for us to start over or should I check into therapy and ask for intensive strategies to completely close that chapter of my life?"

"Can anyone just be okay when they lose the soul mate they thought they'd be with until they literally drop dead, though? When they nearly died from cancer a second time and actually not only had a plan for death but a funeral mapped out? What even is 'okay'?" Beau had slipped down in the chair, hands folded across his chest, feet up on the side of the bed while he gazed up at the ceiling. "We can't solve this tonight. It's not the right time or place. I have to go to a conference for a week in Seattle but... where are you staying? Have you found an apartment yet? We need to keep going with this but not when you're hungover and not when I'm at the end of an on-call shift."

Austin shook his head slowly, drawing his hand into his sleeve so he didn't reach to take Beau's hand. He swallowed, trying to clear the lump in his throat. "No. No, they can't. But I should've been taking care of you when you weren't okay, for as long as you're not. Even if that's forever. And I still want to. It's all still there in my heart, just like before I messed up. I remember every moment of your cancer fight, even the worst of the worst. But I didn't forget our best either. I went clubbing that night because it reminded me of the day we met and I wanted to feel it again. I never needed you to be okay. You know that, right? Or is that how I made you feel? That you had to live up to 'okay' when you weren't?" He offered a sheepish shrug at Beau's question. "No apartment. I'm still at a hotel, living out of a suitcase with all my crap in storage. But you can come see me at the hotel if you want. I'd like that. You think we can solve this somehow?"

Edited 2020-01-28 15:06 (UTC)

Beau remained quiet at first, picking up his coffee and taking a large mouthful. He put the cup back down and pulled himself up in the chair. "I'm going to ask you a question now, but I don't want you to answer it until we meet up again. I want you to think about the most honest answer you can give to it. So much that it makes your brain ache from how much you keep going over and over it. It's going to be the difference between whether we can solve this somehow or not. And when you think about it, I want you to try to think about how I would feel about the answer you need to give. I don't care if you lie to me about everything else you ever say to me, I want this to be the truth and coming from a place where all these memories you're talking about are kept inside you..." It should be easy to ask but it wasn't. He closed his eyes and heaved a heavy sigh. Then he opened them and met Austin's gaze. "Would you ever cheat on me again? And on that note, I need to go prep for my morning rounds."

The question came like a kick in the guts. All Austin wanted to do was answer it right away, insist how truthful it was and that he didn't need to think about it. But he just nodded, accepting Beau's request. Suddenly it hit him how hard it was going to be waiting to see Beau again. This whole thing felt loaded. Beau was saying a lot but he was giving nothing away on what he was feeling trying to move forward - solve what went wrong - if they even could. The question was direct but what did it really mean? Was Beau actually contemplating a reunion ala Liam and Damien? Or was just slotting missing pieces of the puzzle together to give himself peace and closure to move on and not look back. He could see Beau was weary and it was best to stop here and take a breather. A lot had been covered in a short space of time; things they would both need time to process. "Okay. I'll wait until this IV finishes and head back to the hotel to crash. Will you text me when you get back? I mean, I might luck out on finding the perfect apartment between now and then but I doubt it. You know what a picky bitch I am. Are you going to be okay?"

"I'll text you. Just don't bank on a day. Conferences wipe me out so I'll probably crash for a bit when I get home. Saying that, if Brandon takes a turn for the worst again, I'll be back early but touch-wood that won't be the case. I made a promise to him and Merlin that I'd be here if that happens, if the end might seem near again." Beau checked his phone and already had some reminders coming through for his patients he'd see on rounds and messages notifying him some results for investigations were coming through. Good, he was going to need to keep busy the next couple of hours until he could go home and crash. The rest of this stuff would take a lot more than a day for him to process and come to terms with, let alone figure out how he felt about any of it. "I'll be busy, which is the next best thing. I'm going to check with the nurses to make sure you stayed until the end. Don't be a bitch, these walls have eyes and ears." He gave Austin a faint smile and exited the room, leaving him alone.

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"Everything is clearly now in hindsight. Twenty-twenty hindsight."

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