Beau closed his eyes and massaged his forehead slowly with his fingertips, as if that would somehow make this conversation easier. He was trying to figure out if he should open up more or still keep deflecting the hardest parts. He really wanted to be able to talk to Austin openly and get some sort of closure, whatever that looked like. "You shouldn't exile yourself like that. You've got no viral loads and there's PrEP. I wouldn't think twice about taking that for someone I loved, so don't let this be an indefinite punishment. Life's... it can be fucking terrible. It takes the 'shit happens' concept and mutates it into a fucking monster. No one's supposed to live a life of misery, because it could be game over at any moment. If there's ways to make it better, just freaking do it. That's what makes things like depression, mental illness, so fucking hard because no one wants to be miserable, you just can't get out of the darkness..." He sighed and put the coffee cup aside. "I'm tired most of the time. If I get sick, it hits me hard. I've had some worthy distractions. Working on Brandon's care team hasn't been easy but it's been rewarding that I can help him and know what he's going through. Other days, I feel like I want to chuck it all in and move away. I've been trying to make a relationship work but it's not. Which is okay. Zan knew he was a test drive."